Ep. 112 - Speak Your Truth Without Losing Connection with Raele Altano

Hey everyone and welcome back to the Manifestation Method Podcast. I am so psyched about today's interview with Raelle because, well, I just have to say, give a little bit of a background here. Raelle and I knew each other like what, 20 years ago, something like that? Maybe more like about 20 years ago. Yeah, we were, we were in the same friend group, we had similar social circles, we were friends. And then 20 years go by, our lives just go in totally different directions. And I happen to be on social media and I think this is how it happens. Like a couple months ago I get a pop up or some sort of recommendation saying that I should follow you on social media. So I was like, oh, Raelle, let's see what she's up to. And I click on her page and I'm like, wow. Not only is first off I see that she's got over like 400,000 followers on Instagram, I'm like, this girl is rocking it. And then I go and actually check out her content and I was like, blown away. I'm like, I want this girl on the podcast. She's just like every single piece of content she posts is just so spot on. And I feel like so relevant to all of us. I mean, we all are interdependent beings living in a world where we all depend on one another and communication is such a big piece to who we are. So let me give a little bit of an overview about who you're about to meet today. I'm really excited.

So.

Becoming a co creator with the creator is your birthright. Together we'll journey into your deepest authenticity. Because the more you align with who you truly are, the more effortlessly you call in the life that you desire and deserve. And most importantly, the more you step into your soul's highest purpose. Welcome to the Manifestation Method podcast, your number one source for Kabbalistic manifestation. Here we combine the ancient wisdom of Kabbalah, modern psychology and quantum physics to help you achieve real tangible manifestation results with my proven Abra Method. I'm Ayelet Polonski and I'm here to guide you on your journey of manifesting a life that is aligned, expansive and deeply connected to your highest self through the sacred energetic mechanics of Kabbalistic manifestation. To learn how to use Kabbalistic manifestation to transform your life from the inside out, go to ayeletpolonsky.com or download the Manifestation Method app. Lets open the gates of manifestation together.

Today we have Raelle. She's a certified communication coach and founder of. Well with Raelle coaching. If you've ever struggled with how to speak your truth clearly, confidently and compassionately, this episode is going to resonate deeply. Rael, pronounced ra yell helps clients become powerful communicators, people who can advocate for themselves, express their needs with kindness, and navigate all kinds of social and professional dynamics with clarity and grace. What makes her work so potent is that it's rooted in deep personal experience. As a child of divorced immigrant parents, Rael learned early how to read a room and navigate emotional dynamics and adapt her communication with elegance. What began as a coping skill eventually revealed itself as a superpower and one that's sorely needed in today's hyper connected, yet often disconnected world. Through well, with Rael coaching, she blends practical communication tools with personal development work to help people build inner confidence and speak from a place of alignment. She holds two coaching certifications from the Coach Training alliance and 3V Communications, is a proud member of the International Coaching Federation, and lives just outside of New York City with her husband and two young boys. Welcome, Raelle.

Thank you. Thank you. Ayelet. I love that we're doing this. So happy to be here. Thank you.

Yeah, thank you. So before we get into the questions that I really feel like all of our listeners are like, thank you. Thirsty to have you answer. Just because I have so many questions I want answered. I'd love for us to get to know you a little bit better. You know, you shared that your communication style was actually shaped at a young age and having you navigate your parents divorce had you develop thick skin early on. So how did this childhood experience plant the seeds for the amazing work that you're doing today?

Yes, sometimes it's the, the challenges and the situations that are less than ideal that end up working in our favor and helping us. Right. So I was the only child from their marriage, always caught in the middle. Had to be a bit of a mediator at a young age, pick the right words to say the right things to say, be able to look at things from a bigger picture and not take sides and not bring back maybe something that one person was saying to another party and to my other parents. And there was a lot of that, a lot of landmines to avoid and to be mindful of. And it helped me, I guess, approach, approach other interactions and communication with a bit of this like mindfulness and I don't want to say being politically correct, but mindfulness and regard for the other person, no matter what the situation was.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like that's. You kind of have to show up a certain way when Your parents are going through that and you're going between homes.

Right.

And like you said, you're the mediator, so I guess you kind of learned a lot of these communication skills inherently early on.

Yes.

Right.

It's interesting.

I find that a lot of the work that we get into professionally has to do with us also either as like, wanting to heal something from our past or bring gifts from our past and help others heal as a result. Right.

A hundred percent. 100%. I couldn't agree more. So, yeah, that's definitely a big part of it.

Yeah. Yeah. So why do you think it's so hard for people to communicate their needs, especially in relationships that are more intimate or that really matter to them?

Sure. I think especially for women who are my main audience and my main clientele, there are layers to it. Right. It's a combination of you don't want to rock the boat. You don't want to say something that will frustrate the other party more. Maybe you don't have the words to say. You've never been taught, so you don't even know how to articulate what it is that you're feeling and what you want.

Right.

Like you feel this anger or resentment or whatever, but it's like, well, what do you want? And you haven't had the opportunity to even think through all of that. I think also just with the expectations that women should be quiet or compromise or not say much. And I'm not. This is not to say that you should never compromise or you should never meet someone halfway, but it's a fine balance. Right. And I think one thing with my upbringing and being this mediator, what the negative of that was, was a little bit of people pleasing was a little bit of trying to be everything to everyone. Not to be mindful and to. To be a good mediator meant putting myself last. So that's another layer of this work too. It's like, okay, yes, be a good communicator and be respectful and have regard for all parties, but keep yourself in mind too, and put yourself first also. So it's a constant fine balance and tug of war, or not tug of war, but it's a balance. Right. And I think for women, it can be tough because it's like 0 or 100. 0 to 100 real quick. Especially I think with people from immigrant backgrounds, they are just used to very passionate households and volume going up the second they are frustrated or passive aggressiveness coming out the minute they feel slighted. So it's navigating all of that and finding unlearning some bad habits and finding the right way to advocate for yourself in a way that invites collaboration from your partner or from the other party.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh, I love that you say that. I just. Full disclosure. I also have. Both my parents are immigrants and, like, our love language is yelling.

Totally.

And my husband, his family is, like, pure American. So in our first year of marriage, he, like, didn't understand that we could have this, like, volume go up or have these, like, more like reactive, semi explosive reactions and still, like, five seconds later love each other like nothing happened.

Totally.

There was a huge learning curve for us in our marriage to get to a place where I'm like, oh, I don't have to get all passionate and big in order to get my point across.

100%. 100%. Same here. I've been on the phone with my grandmother, just talking to her in Armenian, but saying something in a way that I guess, like, my volume went up too. And my husband will be like, what happened? Like, why were you yelling at her? And I was like, oh, I wasn't. I was like, I was just telling her a story about something.

Totally, totally, totally. And then the other thing I love that you said, you know, especially geared towards women is the people pleasing and not knowing how to ask for what we want. You know, I know personally, it took me well into, I think, my, like, early 30s to even realize that I didn't have a no. Like, I found my no in my early 30s because nobody taught me that. And so for me, having a. My daughter, who's now three and a half, you know, one thing we do is we play the boundary game.

Like the tickle game.

So I'll tickle her and she'll say, stop. And as soon as she says stop, I was like, I respect your boundaries. I'm stopping. And then she'll say, okay, and I'll tickle her again. Because that was not something that we've learned from from a young age. So being that you. Right. So. So being that. I think both of our audiences are predominantly women, and I think this also applies to men as well.

Yes.

How do you help someone find their. No. Or be able to, I guess, communicate in a way that is clear and direct. Direct and direct, but not necessarily insulting or too aggressive.

Totally, Totally. For formal, former, excuse me, people pleasers or empaths or people who are sensitive and just worried about stepping on toes, I think the. The best way to initiate it is to approach it with gratitude and empathy. And my acronym for that is to age, approach with gratitude and empathy. And that's really the foundation of where it all starts for within my coaching. So say like, you know, I, I appreciate you thinking of me. I understand why you didn't get to this task. I know it's been a busy week. Like meeting them on their level, showing that gratitude, showing that empathy, then stating what is maybe not working for you or what you are not able to do. And then so sorry to back up the stating that like, you know, I, this isn't going to work for me or if you don't do this, that just creates more, more work for me and that doesn't feel good. And then concluding it with like a solution, a suggestion, a way to collaborate. So let's go back to like, you know, I, I understand you couldn't take the garbage out last night. You know, you were tired and you had a long day. But now that, that leaves it for me to have to do or then it makes us rush the next morning and that's not a good feeling. Do you think you could tackle it tonight or do you think you could handle it when you get home first thing, when you get home today? Something along those lines. So it's the empathy, the problem, or like what's not working and then the solution suggestion or let's say like you get invited somewhere and you just aren't able to make it. This is like the third time a friend has invited you somewhere and it's a no again. But you can say like, I so appreciate you thinking of me and continuing to invite me. The gratitude. I have plans, My son has plans or my child has plans that weekend again. Like, there are so many birthdays happening right now. Whatever. But how about, how about two weeks from now? I'd love to take you out to lunch here. There's this great place. So gratitude, the no or the answer that you're giving or the feeling that you're expressing and then the suggestion, the solution, the next step.

I love that. So you're almost like creating a sandwich here.

Yes.

Right. It reminds me of like when I was in my early 20s, I worked in sales in New York City and one of the tactics that they taught us was a method called build break build. I don't know if you've ever heard of build break build.

Yes.

Right. So like it sounds like what you're saying. It's like you build them up, right? That's like the first layer of the sandwich. Then the inside is like the breaking point, like the thing that might make Them a little uncomfortable. That might be hard to say, but you go ahead and say it anyways, knowing that you're going to sandwich it with another, building them back up.

Yes, yes.

Which I really love. Because, like, you know, I. I run a team at my company and oftentimes when I'm giving them some sort of directive after the conversation, I have to sit and ask myself, like, was I a little bit too direct with them? Was I too firm? Right. So it's like, how would you. Sometimes you have to be firm whether you're in a relationship or it's a friendship or you're someone's boss or even if you're someone's employee. Right. So how would you recommend helping someone even come to that conversation with a certain level of confidence where they now feel like I am, I guess, worthy of asserting myself, knowing that the gratitude and the age. You said it's gratitude and empathy. Right?

Knowing that gratitude and. Or acknowledge with gratitude and empathy.

Yeah, I like that. So how to even have the confidence to begin with, to approach. Approach a maybe challenging conversation?

Totally. And I will say the confidence is 80% of it. I started my coaching as a confidence coach, really, because I wanted to empower women to feel worthy of taking up space, to feel worthy of their intuition and trusting their intuition, all of that. But I kept coming around to communication and wanted to niche down a little bit more because I felt like I've always loved communication and the right use of words and all of that good stuff. So I said, okay, why not focus on confidence within communication? But confidence is truly the foundation of it. So I would ask, I would tell or encourage my clients to ask themselves two things. Number one, how would you feel if you didn't have this conversation? Like, yes, it might be a little bit uncomfortable and it might feel a little bit like, oh, maybe it's not a big deal. Maybe I can just, like, figure out a way around it. It's fine. But how would you feel not having it?

I love that.

And like, how. How much discomfort would you be facing if you didn't have it?

Like, what's the alternative to not speaking your truth?

Yes, yes, that's a big one. And then another one is to ask yourself, like, what advice would you give to a friend if a friend was coming to you and saying, like, you know, I'm really chat or I'm really struggling with this one co worker of mine, or with a team member of mine who is not doing what I'm asking them to do, or with my partner who we Keep butting heads on this. Like, how would you advise a friend? Because we tend to give more credit and encouragement to others than we do for ourselves. So it's like, think about how you might advise a friend of yours to handle that conversation and then use that to empower yourself. Trick. Play a bit of a mind game with yourself and use it to empower yourself to speak up.

Yeah. Yep. Yep. I love that. I love that. Like, what's the alternative? What would happen if I didn't speak my truth? Because then it's like, it kind of helps us, I guess, like, zoom out and gain perspective. Even if it's like a damn if I do, damn if I don't. Like, what's. Like, do I want to keep the poison inside of me or do I want to maybe speak my truth with the opportunity of like, transmuting that poison to actual medicine?

Right, right, right. 100. And listen, not every. Not everything requires a conversation either. And that's a learning curve for me because I'm always want to be like, let's talk it out. Let's talk about it. Let's. If something's bothering you, let them know or confront the person. Resolve the conflict. But it's not on the flip side, again, what is the alternative? And I think there are. There are things to weigh in. It's like, will this person change? Is this the first time that I've brought this up? Or is this now multiple times and nothing has happened? How intimate am I with this person? Is it, maybe I need to change the expectations of the friendship or of the team dynamic and it will be all good? Or is it a partner where it's like, okay, maybe we should take the next step and see counseling or amp up what we need to do. But not everything also requires a conversation. It's. It's a constant. You have to. You have to weigh it out.

I feel like boundary work is big when it comes to everything that you do, because, like, what I'm hearing you say is, it's not always appropriate to have that conversation. So it's really like assessing for oneself. Or at least this is how I'm hearing what you're sharing. It's like, where do I end and where does the other person begin? And is there a space between us for some sort of reconciliation? Because if they can. If I know that they can't respond, perceive what it is that I want to communicate or feel the need to communicate, then maybe the solution isn't direct communication, but rather shifting a boundary energetically, even if it Means pulling away a little bit. Like.

Yes.

Right?

Yep. Yep. Sometimes setting a boundary is done indirectly or it's done without the use of words. Right. Like sight. No. Sometimes no response is a response. You have to, you have to weigh out the options and it's, it's even about not just what the other person is capable of comprehending, but how much energy and time you want to put into. Into it.

Right.

And the value you place on the relationship. So there are, there are layers to it for sure. There's no black and white answer. But to go back to your initial question, a great way to build the confidence to even speak up is to, yeah, consider the alternative. What's going to happen if I don't? And what advice might I give to a friend?

I love that. I love that so much. I mean, I'd love to know your take on authenticity. Okay, and what do I mean when I say authenticity? Because this is something I've been really playing with this last like year or two is communicating from a place of my authentic self. Okay. Now, because there is a certain vulnerability to that which can open up a space for real intimacy and real connection. But when does being authentic also expose too much that it can fracture the relationship? Right. I'm curious your. Your thoughts on speaking your authentic truth and when maybe speaking your authentic truth can cross a line or cross a boundary. Sure.

It always can. I think you never know what someone might be triggered by. That is you being your authentic self. One thing I would recommend is to buffer. First of all, I think in order to communicate well, you need to be authentic and have emotional intelligence. Like in order to be aware of not only yourself, but the other party, the context of the situation, all of that. But one thing that might help buffer what you are saying is, you know, this is. This may, this may apply only to me or this is my personal thought or opinion on this. This might not be a truth for everyone. This is, you know, this is what I think. But this is unique to my experience. So acknowledging that something that's very authentic to you and, and a firm belief of yours may not necessarily resonate with someone else. So like acknowledging it in advance so that you can still say what you are thinking or your opinion without worrying maybe about like it not being received well or it's being offensive to someone. It's like you're, you're being mindful of it and you're buffering it with like, you know, I, I get that this is a unique experience to me or even like, hey, are you open to hearing my thoughts on this, like, asking that question instead of, well, no offense, but that dress doesn't look good on you. It's like, can I. Can I make a recommendation? Or can I. Are you open to hearing my two cents on this?

The word that's coming through as I'm hearing you share that is responsibility. It's like, I'm taking responsibility and owning that this is my experience and it might not be yours.

Right.

Also, like, permission. Like, asking permission first to go there before just kind of, like, offloading your Authentics truth onto another person.

Yes, a hundred percent. And one thing I want to mention, too, is instead of, like, can I be honest with you? Like, can I. Of course the other person's gonna. Or like, can I. Can I give you my two cents? They're gonna most likely say, well, sure, yeah. Like, the way that's set up is for the other person to just be like, okay, sure. An alternative would be, would you be open to. Are you open to, like, what I had said in my example before? Like, hey, are you open to some suggestions? Are you open to advice? Or are you not looking for that right now? And they might say, like, not right now. Like, that. That's more collaborative, and it's giving the other person room to actually be like, no, I'm good.

Yeah. Yeah. That's actually. I have to say, I gotta give myself a pat on the back. That's something my husband and I, at this point in our marriage, have become really good at. Because at the beginning of our marriage, I'd be like, cooking. And my husband's like a. Like an unprofessional chef, but, like, a really good chef.

Amazing.

He would come in the kitchen, and he'd be like, why don't you try doing it this way? Why don't you try doing it that way? And I'd look at him, and I'd be like, do you want to eat tonight? Like, I don't. Right, right. Where now we've learned. We've learned. And he'd say, do you, like, are you open to a suggestion?

And that.

That automatically softens me and opens me up to his. Right? So I love that. I love that.

Yes, yes, exactly. And let's say someone's always like, no, no, no, I'm good. Like, maybe that's a conversation. It's like, just curious, like, why. Where is that coming from? What's the. What's the resistance like? Let's take it a step further, right? Because we all. Sometimes we like to give these ideal examples and Scenarios. And it's like, But a lot of the time a conversation doesn't go that way. So in, in that ideal way. So it's like, you know, I'm noticing a lot of resistance to, to anything that I, I ask or prompt or, or try to extend. Where is that coming from? And not rushing to jump to the conclusion, not being like, are you worried I'm going to say something offensive? Or are you, are you, like, are you scared of what I'm going to say? That puts the other person on the defense. Right. So just saying, like, I don't understand where, where this is coming from? Or I'm having a hard time, or I noticed this. What's the deal with that? Or where is, where is the resistance coming from?

I love that. That actually makes me think of my next question, which is when, when communication gets to a point where it's tense or activated between two people.

Right.

What do you do? Like, do you just like, what's your advice for once the, you know, once two egos are involved and we're protecting ourselves, or the other person feels like a threat and we're each feeling like a threat to each other and we just know, oh, like, it doesn't feel like there's a real turning back from this point. What do you recommend a person does at that point in a conflictual conversation?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. One suggestion would be to use inclusive language whenever possible. We. Our. Less us. And this is another big thing that I share with my clients and a very foundational thing. It's a great way to have this, like, we're all in this together attitude, and it's more collaborative and it triggers less of a defensive response in the other party. So, you know, we're, we're getting way off track. Let's, let's just put a pause in this and talk about it. Maybe when we're more calm so we, like, it's like, it's not just like, you're really out of control. This isn't, this isn't going anywhere. I'm done talking. It's like, you know, we're, we're both getting off track. I'm sensing a hostile tone. I don't think this is going anywhere right now. Let's, let's just take a pause and talk about this when we're both more calm.

I love that.

Or when we can be more productive. Like, maybe the other person is that maybe you're calm and maybe the other person's not, but you could say, when we can be more productive. Again, inclusive Levels the playing field. You're all in it together. It just, it. It is received different and makes you more calm, more collected, and it gives you the upper hand, really, because you're the one that's, that's, that's navigating the ship with a more clearer sense of thinking. Yeah. And also, like, as I'm putting myself.

In the position of the person you're describing who speaks as a we and says, like, we're getting a little bit off track, why don't we revisit this? I feel like I'm, like, it just feels very empowering. Right. Because I'm coming from a more composed place.

Right, right. Absolutely. Absolutely. If they get demeaning or disrespectful, that's worth calling out and saying, you know, I'm noticing, you know, you're. This is getting disrespectful or I'm not understanding this tone. I don't appreciate this tone. I don't appreciate that comment. It's tough, but I really try to embody this myself and push my clients not to match energy. Like, don't. Just because they are going low. You don't, don't go low because if you're always matching other people's energy, then what's your baseline?

Right.

Who are, you know, who are you? Who is your identity and your core? And you might think, oh, well, does that make me seem weak? Does that make me seem like I'm not the stronger person or like I can't lash out and attack them too? No. There are ways to still put someone in their place or to call out their BS without. And communicating a boundary or communicating like, let's shut this down without necessarily matching energy, stooping to their level, getting nasty back, and like, having it just be this endless cycle of toxicity.

Yeah, you know, totally. I mean, yes, I do know. I've been there. I get it. You know, I'm a painful person. So shadow is going to come out when we're in relationship, you know, and we just hope that we can navigate this, like, interpersonal dynamic with as much grace and, like, you say class as possible. Right. Now, I know you're the communication expert, and you did say that sometimes no communication is communication. So, you know, I'm a big believer that sometimes taking space to regroup or to down regulate or to gain some perspective or to try to see things from the other person's perspective is so valuable. What is your take on. Let's say there's a conflict and there's. It's not coming To a place of resolution. What's your perspective on taking space and how much space is not enough space? How much space is too much space? Let's talk about it.

Yeah. Yeah. Space is so valuable. It. It gives you perspective. It allows you to cool off. It allows you to regulate your emotions a little bit. All of the things. But communicating that is important. And saying, like, look, I need space. I'm really pissed off right now. I can't talk about this. I'm really frustrated. I feel really overwhelmed. Now is not a good time. Just communicating those few things and, like, I need space, or, like, even maybe taking it a step further and saying, like, I'd be more open to talking about this tomorrow or over the weekend just to manage the expectations a little bit, versus stonewalling, which is just completely shutting down, not giving the other person anything to work with, and then just kind of pretending that, like, maybe the conversation didn't happen or moving on without any real closure or conversation. Stonewalling gets no one anywhere. And it just, like, it keeps that wound open, and it only allows room for it to continue in a worse way later down the line.

Yes.

Which is another thing, I think, that happens in immigrant households, unfortunately, people just don't talk about things. Yes. Yeah, I get it.

Yeah.

Just, like, sweep it under the rug and hope for the best. And then it's like, well, no surprise that we're facing the same problem a few months later. But, yeah, space is great, even. I mean, there's this theory, like, oh, don't go to bed angry. Don't go to bed mad at each other. And it's like, sometimes, though, it's okay. Better to do that than, like, fake makeup and like. Or, like, give in to something that maybe you're not comfortable with just for the sake of. Of making up and not going to bed angry than going to bed angry, having that space, saying, look, let's talk about this over the weekend. Or, like, we have. The kids are around. I can't even, you know, they're. They're playing, they're screaming. We can't think right now. It's not a good time. Let's just take some time to talk about this over the weekend. And taking that space, allowing yourself to collect the thoughts and then speaking from a more honest place.

I love that. I remember hearing someone tell my husband and I in our first few months of marriage, which I think for a lot of couples is always the trickiest, because it's like you're just literally learning the other person in a new way.

Yeah.

And someone had told us, like, don't go to bed angry. So we really took that to heart. But we'd find ourselves 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am still going in loops over the same thing where it's like, finally we got to a place in our marriage where we realized, like, that's just not working for us. And now we're able to just acknowledge what we need right now is some, like, noble distance. I still love you. And so it's one thing my husband and I will reflect back to each other. It's like, I love you. And I need this space for myself to, like, downregulate.

Yes. 100%, yes. So you're vocalizing that you need the space, and it helps to reaffirm that the love is there, reassuring one another, but also manage the expectations of, like, okay, like, I will give. I will give them space. And maybe even it's articulating, well, what does space look like? You know, like, okay, like, anything related to the kids, text me. Other than that, though, like, I need a little bit of time off my phone or I need some, like, articulating what space looks like to. To you matters, too.

Yeah, I love that. And I love what you said about not stonewalling, because I remember from. I had, like, a. A really, really close friend, like a sister, and we had a little rupture in our relationship, and it was very obvious we both needed the space. But, you know, we. We both, like, stonewalled each other, I guess you could say. And we both took a few weeks of space, and what ended up happening is, thank God we came back to a beautiful place of repair. But I remember a part of me feeling like. Like it activated an abandonment wound. Right. It's like, which only re triggered or re traumatized the piece that felt disconnected from her to begin with. Right.

Yeah. Yes.

Which I could have taken responsibility as well and messaged her and said, I'm taking some space. I'll regroup, you know, when I'm feeling more back to myself. But I. I just. I love hearing it articulated and the importance of at least giving a little piece of communication, like, I. I love you. I just need a little bit of space to come back to my center.

Yes, yes, a hundred percent, 100%. Flip side of that, though, is let's say, like, you and a friend have had conflict repeatedly, or you felt like the vibe has been off for a while. You've asked like, hey, is everything okay? Things feel a little weird, and you've. You've Extended that olive branch, and it's kind of gone nowhere. They say everything's fine, but you still feel like things have definitely shifted. Worth thinking about. Like, okay, at. At what expense are you. Are you constantly the one reaching out and communicating? Because that also then puts a bit of the responsibility on the person who is reaching out. Right. And communicating or being honest? You don't get anywhere when only one person is being honest. So another thing to think about, and it's part of those factors of, like, okay, weighing out, like, what's worth communicating and what may be worth putting down and leaving where it is. Because the more someone is communicative and collaborative and honest and authentic, it sometimes just. It always keeps the responsibility on that person. And that's not fair either. You know, it. It takes both parties to come together for the other party to be honest and be like, you know what? Like, you did this thing. It's kind of bothering me, and that's why I've been a little bit off lately. Does that make sense?

I mean, totally. It's like. It's like meeting me on every layer of my being.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I had.

I had a few girlfriends over this weekend, and they asked me a really beautiful question. They said, like, what are your core values when it comes to friendships or relationships? And one of the first things that came out of my mouth was responsibility or the ability to respond where what meaning? Like, both parties have to be able to take responsibility for their part and then come back with conscious communication around what happened. Because I know for so many years, and it took me a long time to learn this, for so many years, I thought that there was, like, nobility in being the martyr in the dynamic for the.

Yes.

Right. For the sake of keeping the peace. Because I value connection and intimacy so deeply. Right. That, like, it was so scary for me to have that be ruptured that I would. What's the word I'm looking for? Kind of abandon myself and my needs in the process of keeping the peace. And then I. We'd repair the relationship. But meanwhile, I'm sitting with this, like, energetic inside of me of, like, resentment or anger or whatever it might be.

Yeah, yeah. Or, like, if I didn't say anything, would any of this been resolved? You know, like this, like. Okay, but why did it take for me to have to do all of that in order to see change?

Yeah, yeah, totally.

Yeah. So it's just another. Another aspect of it.

Yeah, I love that. And. And in your opinion, what does real energetic alignment look like in a conversation or in an interaction, like, how do you know that there is energetic alignment present.

Active listening, for sure. And we always, oh, active listening. Be present, be present. But what does that mean? I. Being present and active listening is such a big part of communication. I think, like, you can sense someone's body language, their interest in your story, and they're really listening to you. They're hearing you. And I think you and I, in our fields of work, we are maybe more attuned to that and have. Are very good listeners because of what we do. But for the everyday person, one very quick mindset tip to be more present is to really put yourself. Immerse yourself in that person's story. So they're telling you, you know, you're in a conversation. You're just making small talk. Oh, yeah. I went on vacation. We were in Italy, and it was really beautiful. It was the first time taking our kids there. Paint the picture with them. Like, act like you were there and be like, oh, that's amazing. So where did you stay? Which, you know, if you know it well. Which restaurants did you go to? Did you go to this neighborhood? What was the hotel like? Were they accommodating with your kids? Were people, like, nice to your kids? Like, paint the picture with them as if you were there. That is a great way to really be present. And then you end up with this, like, bottomless bucket of questions to ask the other person. And that's one way to align with someone.

What if. Yeah, I want to hear more, but it's like, bringing up. It's bringing up this whole other track of, like, what if you're in conversation with someone who's just, like, a chronic interrupter? I know for me, that's like, such. I just interrupted you, and here I'm asking you a question.

No, you didn't.

You did it.

You were great. We were both about to say something. You were being so cautious. So, you know. Okay, okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Because it's, like, such a pet peeve. Like, there's those people who. It's. You can hardly get a word out. They just keep interrupting. And sometimes they're people who are family. You can't necessarily just, like, walk away from them. Does it actually mean they don't care about what you have to say? Like, what. What's going on there? And how do you navigate these types of people?

Right. No, it doesn't. Sometimes maybe it means that they don't care. I think it's more an opportunity for them to get their thought out. Like, they so badly want to share their two cents. So much of communication and behavior in people is about them. Like, 90% is about them. That's not to say that we shouldn't take any sort of accountability or be aware, but it's about them and their need to get their thought out right then and there. Maybe they're excited and they want to chime in about something. So what's a subtle way to be like. Just hang on. You could say, like, wait, I really want to hear what you have to say. Let me just finish my thought. And I coached clients on this and shared content on this, specifically, more for professional situations, because that's an area where I think women can struggle. People chiming in or interrupting or asking questions when it's not really the time. And then they get off track. They lose their train of thought, and their entire presentation or meeting becomes kind of. It just goes off track. But in. In a personal setting, it's like, again, acknowledge it with a. With a gratitude or an empathy type of thing. I know you want to. I know you have something. You can relate to this, but let me. Let me just finish my thought, and I want to hear what you have to say. And if it's someone you love and care about, continuing to say that, like, just. Just hang on. I'm almost finished. Even if they're like, oh, sorry to. If they say it. And then. Sorry to interrupt you. They say, you can let them say what they want to say and then maybe go back to be like, you know. Yeah. So as I was saying before, and try to continue with your story.

I love that. One thing I've also done is, like, I just keep talking. Just like.

Yeah, And. And.

And it's. It often does work. Meaning I do have a lot of space to hold for talkers. Yes, thank God. But sometimes it's like, if it feels like the dynamic is just really not aligning, I'll just keep talking.

And I find that that kind of.

Softens them a little bit and opens up their space for listening as well.

Right, right, right, right. Yes, it can. It can get a little contentious or for someone who loses their train of thought quickly, like, by hearing them talk and yourself talk, it can just. Everything can get lost. It might not be ideal, but it is another option, another tactic without necessarily, like, confronting them right away.

Yeah. Yeah. Cool. And then I know we're. We're towards the end of our conversation.

I feel like we need to do another one.

I literally say that. I was just gonna say that I have, like, so many more questions and And I know, I know my audience would love to hear more. So stay tuned for a part two. But for now, for now, I'd love to close with a little bit more of a personal question. Not too personal, but what has motherhood. What is being a mom taught you about communication either with your children, with your husband, or with yourself?

Oh, my goodness, so many things. I think you might be able to relate to this, where it's like being a mom or a parent, it really heals you, right? Or it. It brings out you notice the things about yourself that you want to improve on in such a different way. Light, number one. Patience. Patience, patience. Just understanding that it's. It's tough for them too. They're figuring things out too, especially for when you have very young kids. And as much as you may want to lash out, just maybe reframing something in a. In a more calm way might do wonders. And that goes for adult relationships, too. As much as you might want to lash out or assume. Assume why they're doing what they're doing and put that out there. Just like reframing something and asking a question or reframing something and presenting it in a different way. So major. Another big part is being able to articulate my own boundaries a little bit better because my time is just so limited that I'm more aware than ever of what I want to put my time towards versus what I don't. There's no longer this, like, wishy washiness that might have existed even after being married five years ago, 10. 10 years ago, because it's literally about, like, there's. There's no time. And maybe for people like us who are. Who are people pleasers or empaths and want to meet everyone halfway and, and be neutral, maybe we kind of need that, that like, that literally, like there is. There's such limited time. So how do you want to spend it? Like that. I don't want to say barrier, but that very fixed thing that's not going away anytime soon. So it's like, how do you want to operate moving forward, knowing that, that you have limited time, limited resources, limited brain power? So that's been really big for me, just, just being aware of, like, if I'm dedicating time to this and energy to this, I'm not able to do it to that. And like, which. Which one's more important?

Yeah.

And then being able to say, like, hey, look, I'd love to, but I can't.

Yeah. Yeah.

How about this? Or maybe another time, or this is the phase of life I'm in right now. I've had to say that to some close family actually lately where it's like, this is. This is just what it is. I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm not trying to, you know, not be flexible. I'm just in this very all hands on deck phase of life. And it's. It's just where I'm at right now.

Yeah, I mean, it sounds like such a. Like it's just the. The life dance, right? It's knowing when to honor ourselves, knowing when to honor the other, and how to navigate those spaces in between, which is like the work you're doing is so important because people think that they're like taught communication skills from a young age or that it's a given and it's like really, really not totally. So. Thank you. Thank you for being you and for showing up in the world doing this work.

Thank you. Thank you. I love you too. You too. Love your work. Love what you are doing. Thank you for giving me space to chat today and collaborate.

Absolutely. Where can our listeners find you on Instagram?

TikTok? YouTube. My handle is ellwithraelle. I offer one on one coaching with clients. I just started group classes, so each day is a different theme and I offer a few time slots. It's like a workout. I like to present it as like a workout for your communication skills and your confidence. They're live, they're virtual. And I do some speaking events and engagements with corporations too. So if someone out there is interested in something in that capacity for their club or their. Their work, whatever, I am absolutely open.

Thank you so much, Raelle.

Thank you. Thank you. AET Talk soon. Soon.

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