Raele AltanoWell With raele · Founder | 2x Certified Communication Coach | Content Creator

🔥 HOT TAKE: “I” Statements Don’t Always Work #wellwithraele #communication #communicationskills

30 Apr 2025 · 1 min

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Raele Altano presents a provocative coaching hot-take arguing that traditional "I" statements (e.g., "I feel," "I was hurt," "I'd appreciate") often fail when used with narcissists or people who avoid accountability because such phrasing leaves too much interpretive wiggle room. She advises using firmer, action-oriented language and direct accountability statements (e.g., "I need," "I expect," "This happened because of your actions") to set boundaries and demand responsibility. The tone is advisory and intentionally provocative.

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Okay, hot take fresh out of the kitchen my friends. You will most likely get nowhere when using an I statement in a conflict or when setting a boundary with a narcissist or someone who doesn't take accountability. Things like I feel, I don't feel, I was hurt, I'd appreciate, etc. Etc. I know my fellow coaches and therapists will probably disagree with me on this because we love advising people to start with an I statement to softly at firmly advocate for ourselves. But realistically, when you're speaking to someone who gaslights, deflects, makes themselves out to be the victim, and generally doesn't take accountability, I statements will not work, just leaves them with too much wiggle room. You have to get comfortable saying things like this happened because of your actions. You played a major role in this situation. Had you acted differently, things might be different today. If you have to use I statements in order to get your point across, use firmer action verbs to convey a sense of necessity and obligation. So phrases like I need, I'd like I expect this leaves less open for interpretation from the narcissistic party and holds them accountable. Well, with Raelle, your communication coach, and as always, I hope this was helpful.