Episode 036 Marital Lessons

No need to whine, it's whiny palooza. Have some wine and join us on the whiny palooza podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the whiny palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello, this is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast. It is Valentine's Day and I have my fabulous husband Seth Green here today. Hi honey!

Hi honey, happy Valentine's Day!

Our hot idea for Valentine's Day was to do a podcast together on marriage. This is stuff that excites us.

Yes, you maybe more than me, but yes, it does.

Yes, come on, you wanted to do this too.

Oh yes, yes I did, that is correct.

So Seth has a bunch of businesses. I never introduce him well, I never do him justice. He started out with Silver Spoon Financial. He then opened Market Domination. Uh, Silver Spoon Financial is a finance, uh, financial planning business. Silver Spoon is a marketing business. He also has BMD Publishing. Did I say that right?

You did, except you said Silver Spoon is both financial and marketing. So you said the same thing twice.

Silver Spoon is the financial planning business. Market Domination is the marketing business. BMD Publishing is your publishing business.

Yes.

And what else am I forgetting, honey?

We could take the whole interview. So let's skip that part and talk about marriage.

Well, I appreciate you doing this with me. We are doing this on Valentine's Day. However, you are not going to hear this on Valentine's Day. So hopefully you will hear this sometime in March. We just attempted—

That's the word.

I thought I was going to get major points. We just attempted a candlelit dinner for two in our dining room with our children home. We set up the girls in the kitchen with their food, and Max was thrilled to run upstairs and game with his friends and eat while he was gaming. And it didn't go so well.

We received several interruptions, but you get an E for effort, and we'll go— you'll let me take you out next time.

So we will definitely plan a night out for dinner.

Yes, we got interrupted once by Max coming downstairs. I think twice by Lily, once by the dog.

But I achieved one of my desired outcomes and I got a margarita.

Yes, you— good job.

So I'm still enjoying my margarita. So thank you, honey.

You're welcome.

Um, I think that we have so many things to talk about with marriage, and I think this is the perfect day to talk to you about this topic. I also did my vlog and blog on this topic this week. We— I did, um, I'm trying to remember the title. Remember Your Marriage. And we talked about love languages, and I want to talk about love languages. I want to start with love languages, and then we're going to move on from there. Okay.

Yes, we had a nice love language lesson earlier today we should talk about.

Can you nicely remind me?

Sure. You called me upstairs to listen to a podcast where the woman was talking about how if the act of service is not done the way she wants it done, you end up losing points and it doesn't count. And I related to that because I attempt to do the dishes for you, and if I leave any dishes in the sink whatsoever, even if I don't know where they go, or if they go in the dishwasher, if I have to wash them by hand, you say it's a half beep effort and that it doesn't count. And you end up getting mad as opposed— because I didn't do it all the way. As opposed to giving me points for what I did do. And so you were resonating with her, saying, see, you're not crazy, other women feel the same way you do. Um, and then I think you didn't like the tone in which I responded to you with, and then you sent me off to soccer.

I said, peace out, have fun at soccer.

I believe you were more— your— the words were, go away. Have fun at soccer.

Oh boy. Well, okay. So I want to talk about acts of service. I'm going to tell you the 5 love languages. We are going to talk about Seth and my love language. I'm going to talk to you a little bit about the kids, and then we're going to move on to more fascinating marital things. So let's start with what the 5 love languages are. And I'm going to talk to you more about acts of service, Seth, because I think that you're right. I finally own that that is my love language, and I'll tell you why. So number 1 is acts of service, and that is just helping out the partner, you know, in the kitchen, with children, doing stuff that your partner feels helps them, doing things for the other person. The other, number 2, is physical touch, touching each other. Doesn't have to be sex. There's many other ways to touch each other. I love when Seth grabs my hand. I love when he grabs a kiss. Um, I love when he just, you know, touches me for no reason, you know, just walking by, just a hand on my shoulder. It just makes me feel loved. So I think that we have to ask our partner if a certain one is their love language, what exactly do they want from you. Number 3 is words of affirmation, which is Seth's. So we're going to talk about that more and what you say to each other. And number 4 is gift giving, and that is giving various gifts to each other. And it depends on what your partner likes to receive. I have told Seth I love when he shows up with coffee. That makes me so happy. And number 5 is quality time, spending time together. So Seth, let's talk about ours. Then I want to tell you what our children's are because I figured it out. Okay.

I'm ready.

Okay. So mine is— Seth has been telling me that mine is acts of service and I finally owned it today. And I'll tell you why. Right before this podcast—

He has been telling me that it is not acts of service, that it is something else. So I'm curious to hear how you finally came to this realization.

I was fixing my makeup for our podcast, realized I forgot my computer, heard you coming up the stairs with my computer, heard you plug it in. And get it ready for me. And I felt so loved. And I was like, oh my God, he's right.

I'm glad we're recording this.

So, honey, you're right.

I got it on tape.

I love all 5 love languages, but I think you're right. Now, can you tell everyone about yours?

Sure. Mine is words of affirmation. So to me, it's— I'm an auditory learner. It's all about the words that you say. I, I, I mean, I try and mean what I say most of the time. I believe that other people— I, I believe what I hear. So whether it's positive or negative. So yes, I have been suggesting to my wonderful wife for years that she choose her words more carefully.

I listened to Jessica Ashley today, the Stay Calm Mom. She did an episode on love languages. Really liked it. That's what I called you up to listen to, and it was actually the man speaking. It wasn't the woman. I know, but funny that you thought it was the woman.

Well, no, I know it was him speaking, but she agreed, and then you said, 'See, I'm not crazy,' and I said, 'Just because other women agree with you doesn't mean you're right,' and that's when it went downhill.

Yes. Um, I think that what was intriguing to me— I didn't feel alone in how I was feeling because I think it's so sweet when you do the dishes for me And if there's also dishes still in the sink, I still have to do the dishes. So I think what she was trying to communicate to all of us on her podcast was that when the whole sink is emptied, then you, then I actually feel like you've taken it off my list.

Right. But if you have fewer dishes to do, even one fewer dish, that's one that you didn't have to do. So technically that should count. Obviously the more, the better. But I think 80% of the way there should pretty much get most of the points.

I hear you loud and clear. Point. No notes have been taken.

Awesome. Just like I should give you 80% of the credit if most of the sentence was nice.

So I encourage you to read my vlog and listen to— no, read my blog, listen to my vlog. Remember that, Margarita, and you'll learn more about the love languages. I do want to touch on our children. You can take the quiz to learn what you are and what your spouse is so that you can give each other what each other needs, because we don't speak the same love language. It's very rare that both people are the same. And the fact that I know that Seth needs words of affirmation means that I'm going to work on giving that to him more often so that he feels loved. So I wanted to take this further to our children, and I wanted to look at the child quiz. And Ella did take the quiz today.

Oh wow, I didn't know that.

I knew what she was, but I wanted to confirm that I knew what she was. Okay, so we're going to start with Ella because Ella took the quiz, and then I'm going to tell you what Max and Lily are because I already know what all of our children are. So you can have your kids take the quiz online too, it's free. Ella's love language is, uh, physical touch, and she wants me— she's always asking for hugs. Just hug me, hug me, love me, sit with me, cuddle me. I love you so much. She is this sweet little being that we have created, and she's just full of love, and she feels the most loved when we touch her. Did you know that?

I did.

Okay, we know our children pretty well. I think we could have guessed without her taking the quiz. Lily— I figured out my issue with Lily today.

Oh wow, this is a red letter day.

Lily's love language is quality time, right? So, so we had a fight today. Lily and I gave her a scavenger hunt to find her presents, her chocolate.

And those of you who don't know, in my house, our house, Rebecca has turned Valentine's Day into an excuse to give the children things.

Not a lot. I didn't spend a lot. I got them a little gift card and some chocolate. I didn't get them a lot. But Lily asked me to do a scavenger hunt for them to find their gifts. So I did a scavenger hunt. Then Seth and Max went to soccer and I took the girls to get their nails done. So I was like, so excited to get my nails done with the girls that I was doing this special thing with her. And then we get in the car and she was like, well, is that it? I don't want to go home. Like, what else are we doing? And Ella was like, Mom just spent a lot on us to get our nails done. Like, that's it, Lily. And I was like, Lily, I did a scavenger hunt for you and I took you to get your nails done. Like, two awesome things. And she was like, well, you only did 4 clues. You usually do 7 or 9. And bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And she came home and she was all pissy that we were home. And I was like, oh my God, her love language is quality time. And that's why I feel like it's never enough.

Because you're trying to— you're trying— the language you've been trying to speak is giving gifts, and that's not what she wants.

No, I don't think that the language that I'm speaking is giving gifts. I just think that in my mind, going to get our nails done for an hour is quality time. And you know, there you go, Lily, like, that's something special that you did with Mom today. But it's like quality time means a long time for her. She feels loved if I'm always doing something with her. Does that make sense?

It does. I'm still wondering if it's— if it will ever be possible to give her enough quality time, or whatever it might be.

No, but I also think that I learned something about her today by realizing that's her love language.

Yes.

Okay, Max. Let's talk about Max, and then we're going to move back to our marriage. Max, do you know Max's love language?

Seth, I have never thought about it.

Okay, Max's love language is acts of service. And the reason why I say that, and I can have him take the quiz to make sure I'm right, but the reason why I say that is he doesn't want to hear me say I love you. He doesn't want me to hug him. He wants me to make him a good meal. Yeah, he wants me to do his laundry so his clothes are clean. His love language is the acts of service I do for him.

Yep.

Like, oh, thank you so much. This meal is so delicious.

Yep.

That's my interpretation.

So I think you're right. I never really thought about it.

So if we understand our spouse better, we understand our kids better. They can give us what we need. We can give them what we need and we can all feel more loved.

Yes. I think it's funny that you and Max are the same.

How do you feel about that?

I'll work on it.

We need to have him take the quiz. I might be right. I mean, I might be wrong.

I think you're right. That's what we hear the most. That's what I hear the most appreciation for.

Okay, so can we move on to one of my favorite men, Mr. Gottman?

Yes.

And the Four Horsemen?

Yes.

Okay, so you probably know the Four Horsemen, Seth. I'm going to tell everyone You can look them up. You can look up Gottman. You can look up— he is a marital expert. He's done a ton of research on marriage. I love him. I love learning what he studies. Hopefully I can get him on my podcast one day and talk to him. And these are the Four Horsemen that he talks about that are not good for your marriage. So I'm gonna tell you them and I'm gonna tell you what I think we both need to work on. And then you can tell me what your thoughts are.

Okay.

So you can tell me if you agree or disagree. Okay.

Okay. I'm ready.

Okay. So number 1 is criticism, attacking or putting down your partner. Number 2 is defensiveness, blaming your partner. Number 3 is stonewalling, which is refusing to communicate. And number 4 is contempt, which he says is the worst one, disrespectful and hurtful. So did you know those already?

Yes, you— I read that book that like the first year we were dating because you gave it to me.

Which book?

Uh, Gottman's book on marriage.

Okay, we have to find it so I can read it again.

I bought it for you as a present and you said books do not count as presents, I want jewelry. And I read the book and I don't think you did.

You know, I think I did. Okay. Let's get past that.

Yes.

So I think that— do you want to hear what you, what I think you need to work on or what I think I need to work on?

Or do you want to start with me?

So I think the thing that upsets me the most with Seth, and I know what upsets him the most with me, with Seth, it's defensiveness. And I feel like, um, a lot of times he jumps to like how you did ba ba ba ba ba, right? Do you know what I'm talking about?

So defensiveness, yes. I'm not sure about the exact scenario you're using. I don't know what— my Secret Decoder Ring is not telling me what ba ba ba ba ba is.

Okay, so when you use the words— so if I say something is bothering me, I will say to you, I feel like you throw it in my face.

Yes, I immediately say I'm not throwing it in your face.

Telling you how I feel, right?

I understand that, even though I didn't actually do this. See, I'm doing defensive right now.

Okay, so I think that you need to work on defensiveness. That's my vote. I'm going to tell you what I think I need to work on.

Yep.

And then you can talk about me all you want. Okay, I think that my biggest downfall in marriage is what I would call stonewalling, and I am glad that I read through that again today because it gave me more awareness of myself. And if we're aware of what we're doing wrong and we admit it, we can work on it and make it better. And I think that I get so upset that I shut down and turn off.

Yes.

And then Seth feels like I'm giving him the silent treatment, which isn't helpful.

Nope.

I think that— does it help you if I say I need some time and then I'll come back to talk?

Yes. If you tell me you're taking a mental or emotional timeout, that is very, very helpful. And then I don't spiral and think negative thoughts while you're not talking. That buys you time and makes me more patient.

So I think that I really need to work on that one. Would you agree?

Yes. If you only do it, if it's significant, like a normal, you didn't do the dishes right, does not result in you stonewalling. It has to be a significant interaction in order for you to get hurt enough to get to the point where you need to feel you need to stonewall.

Well, I don't want to do any of these things. They're the Four Horsemen.

They're of the Apocalypse. Yes, the signs that are not good.

I think it's the four things that we need to attempt to avoid.

Yes.

So are there any more things on here that like stand out to you that you think I need to work on?

I think we both need to work on the criticism aspect. Usually your feelings get hurt when I criticize you, when you feel I'm telling you you did something wrong. And I am— again, words of affirmation is my love language, so the opposite would be my kryptonite. And when you are critical, I also feel hurt and get defensive. So yes, 100%, I would say we both need to work on that.

It was interesting to me to find out that contempt is the worst one for a marriage. I think I had totally forgotten that. That's, you know, calling someone stupid. You're an idiot. You're acting like a child. It makes them feel like you think you're better than them.

Yes.

And he said the opposite of that is fondness and admiration.

Yes.

And I think that part of what makes a marriage work— and Seth, you can tell me if you agree or disagree— is that I really like Seth. I really like him. I think he's a great person. I think he's so interesting. He, he's fascinating. He keeps me on my toes. I can't keep up with his thoughts. I'm always learning something. I think he's fabulous. And I don't think I tell him that enough, but I think part of what makes a marriage work is when you genuinely like each other.

What do you think? Yeah, it'd be kind of hard to get married in the first place if you didn't like each other at some point.

Right. But I think that you can forget or lose the like. I think you can lose the like.

Yes, absolutely.

And get caught up in other things.

Yes, I would agree with that.

So I'm going to go back to the book Shalom in the Home for a minute because what was standing out to me while I was just talking is him coaching us on marital rules. And I think that— I hope that we're working on this. I think that what we can do better in our marriages is to think before we speak. Is this going to make the situation better or worse? Is this going to help the situation? What am I about to say? Is this worth fighting about? He has these marital rules that I would love to see us follow.

I— you will have to keep me informed as to what those are. I have not read the book yet.

Oh yes. Yes, that's probably one of the many on your nightstands.

It's not even there yet.

Okay, so what else do you think makes our marriage work, or what else do you think we need to work on?

I, I think what makes it— I think there's a lot of things that make it work. Obviously liking each other, loving each other. I, I think commitment. I think, uh, we're in this together, um, and that We both want to be better at being married all the time. We're always trying to improve it. I think those are a lot of important factors. How about you? What do you think?

So many things. I think that I picked— I went to a psychic years and years and years ago that I told you about, and she told me that I was going to get rid of the boyfriend that I was with, and she said I was gonna scrub out the scum in the tub and empty out the relationship, and then it was going to open me up to my partner, and that you were going to show up and you were going to actually be like a partner, like someone who I felt I was in it with. And I think that that is probably one of the biggest reasons that our marriage works, is that I feel like I have a partner to do life together with, to raise the kids together with, to take care of the house and the bills together with. I feel, um, appreciated and loved. I think that when you make me laugh, I think that's something I really need because you lighten up my mood because I can be too serious.

Yes.

And I love your humor, and I still find you funny.

That's a bonus.

And I think that I get so caught up in the day-to-day tasks that I forget to tell you a lot of the things that I'm thinking.

Yeah.

So I think one of the biggest things that I'm working on, knowing your love language, is to tell you more things.

Yes. Don't keep it a secret.

And you have also said there's also a ratio that Gottman has taught us, and it's 5 to 1, which means that we need 5 positives to 1 negative. So if we have something happen negative, I'm like, oh no, did we have enough positives? Like, I better stack up my positives because that wasn't a good fight.

Yes. Did he change it? I thought it was 7 to 1, but maybe I'm just remembering wrong.

I think it's 5 to 1, but I might be wrong.

We'll have to double. We'll just do extra positive just in case.

We want our ratio to lean towards the positive.

Yes, as much as possible.

And I think when the negative interactions stack up, that's probably when marriages get into trouble, right?

That's when you have more criticism and contempt and all that fun stuff.

Yes, I, I think that we're doing a pretty good job, a very good job. I think that there's always room for improvement, and I appreciate the fact that we're both always looking to improve.

Absolutely. Right?

Yes. With our parenting too.

With— I'm trying to improve every aspect of life, and marriage is obviously the most important one.

I think what is really cool is that you always have goals, and I think— I don't know, did that stem from all the books that you have read?

Books and mentors for the last 28, 30 years, yes.

Well, and you have also done something that I haven't done. You have a coach who coaches you to, you know, just be better.

Yes, every week. I would be— I've had one for decades, different coaches for different things. I, I would be thrilled to get you a coach.

What do you think? Well, Coach Kelly asked to be my coach. Did I tell you that?

No, that's awesome. If she has what you want, that's awesome. I've read I'm reading John Lee Dumas' latest book because he's coming on the show in a week or two. And I thought what was really interesting was he said, hire a coach who's a year ahead of you. He said, you don't— people, people will be on his show and say, I wish I could get Richard Branson to coach me. Like, you don't want him to coach you. He's a multibillionaire and you're here. There's a big difference. He can't help, you know, he's at a different level. Find someone who's a year or two ahead of where you want that. A year or two ahead of where you are because they're there right now and can help bring you up.

Interesting.

So yeah, she has what you want in one area of life and she's not so far removed from it and didn't do it 10 years ago and has forgotten that part. Go for it.

Tell me before we end, tell me what you think that you're improving from your coach, like stuff that you have worked on. Just a couple.

Sure. I have improved my ability to handle stress, mental and emotional state management. I've improved my leadership. As an entrepreneur. I've improved our, uh, team. I've improved our training processes, and I've improved a bunch of other things at work.

Okay, back up, because I don't want to talk about work.

Okay, mental emotional state, ability to handle stress.

Okay, so how— can you give us a tip?

Sure. So I meditate twice a day. That helps keep me calm. I've learned a bunch of different breathing techniques that can rapidly change your emotional state. I've got one of these WHOOP bracelets, which I got you one, which helps you measure all of your signs in that department. So, you know, when you're in a position to do something challenging or when, you know, you should go back to bed. So, being able to quantifiably measure where I am is very helpful to make sure that I get to the places I want to be.

Awesome. Anything else that you think we need to share before we wrap up?

Thanks for finding my business card in your purse. Thanks for emailing me and find— and then thanks for going on our first date the day after Valentine's Day many years ago.

Oh my gosh. So tomorrow is our dating anniversary, 17-year anniversary. It's from our first date.

Yes.

And that is pretty special. Yes. Seth actually asked me out for Valentine's Day.

I did, right?

I had a date with my friend who was in town.

Yes, you had a friend from out of town and you already had plans with her and you didn't want to ditch her, and therefore I didn't get a first date Valentine's Day story. I got a first date day after.

Yeah, but it was amazing. Yes, 12 hours.

Yes, the date was amazing, and so was the rest of our lives.

Yes, yes, I wanted, I wanted the date to go on forever, and it kind of has.

Right. Except, you know, I had to take you home that night and, and you did stay at your parents' for a little bit before I kidnapped you.

Well, thank you for kidnapping me.

My pleasure.

And thank you for doing this podcast with me. You can find a new podcast every Friday. You can find a new blog and vlog every Wednesday. And I would love to hear any of your suggestions. You can always email me at whinybluesamom@gmail.com and tell me guest suggestions for my podcast, topic suggestions for my blog or my podcast. I welcome your suggestions. My goal is to be helpful and for you all to know that you are not alone. So this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast, reminding you all to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, Please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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