Episode 536: How Moms Fool Themselves

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday! We've got that down, we do, only 500 episodes.

Oh my gosh, I think— oh shoot, I checked to tell them, I think it was like 534 episodes.

That's amazing, or something like that. Congratulations.

Are you checking to make sure I'm live?

I'm live, I am, you're live.

So should I check? No, No, you don't have to do that.

I gotta check there's sound.

Every week he does the same thing.

Gotta check that there's sound. Remember we had that one time?

Okay, so we just pulled ourselves away from the TV. Tell them what we were watching.

Uh, new show, because the latest episode of our show that we were watching isn't out yet. Um, what's the new show named? Imperfect Women. Imperfect Women.

Apple TV.

Apple TV.

Okay, so we are watching The Last Thing He Told Me.

Yes.

Season 2.

Yes.

The new episode is Friday.

The finale.

No, we've got 2 more episodes. I'm wrong.

Next episode is Friday. I'll just be wrong all day.

Just tell us, just tell us what you're watching, 'cause you're probably watching something good. But we are watching The Last Thing He Told Me.

Yep.

We are starting Imperfect Women tonight. We are in the middle of Outlander.

Yep, we're caught up to live out there.

This is what we do at night, people. We sit down and we watch a show together.

Yes.

This is our—

Recreational companionship.

Thank you.

She taught me that.

You finish my sentences.

Yes.

Yeah, I thought you were gonna fix it to sandwiches.

I was letting the Frozen reference go.

Okay, so happy April Fool's Day.

We do not have a prank for you.

I am not into pranks. If you know me, you are not surprised by that at all. But I was like, I'm gonna go with the theme of the day, Fooling, because moms fool themselves every day.

It's an amazing magic trick.

We fool ourselves, we tell ourselves lies, we make things up, we get into our head. So my goal is for you to— you're gonna laugh at me for what I share, you're going to relate me, and we are going to add more humor into our days, and we are going to shift some of the ways that we think.

Awesome, I'm excited.

So that's the plan.

It's a good plan, I'm ready.

So let's jump in and let's talk about the ways that moms fool themselves. One of the things that Seth and I were just talking about in the other room, because the woman on TV was annoying me— her best friend just died and she's saying she's fine. Why do moms say that they're fine when they're not fine? I'm okay, I'm fine.

It's a dead giveaway that she's not. If she ever tells you she's fine, she's not fine.

It's okay to not be fine.

Just tell me you're not fine. You don't have to play this game where you pretend to be fine.

Um, it's more— I have so much maturing to do.

You are fabulous.

I am proud to say that I have matured. I am also proud to say I have a ways to go.

The more I know, the more I realize I don't know.

I definitely can be immature, and I think it's part of how I shut down the conversation by saying I'm fine. It's almost like, just say I don't want to talk about it.

Yeah, be honest, be upfront. You're getting a lot of hearts for that one.

Yeah, I think— was that Melissa? Hi Melissa, if that's you. So, okay, I had another one on the couch just now that I wanted to share. Hopefully it comes back to me. I need to write down stuff that comes to me during the day.

Yes.

When we're gonna go live.

Yes.

Okay. I do this to myself all day long.

I've heard it.

I say, I'll get to sit down in 5 minutes, just 5 more minutes. I'm gonna finish this and then I'm gonna finish this and then I'm gonna go relax. And it's like I set an appointment with myself that I have to do all of these things before I relax. And why do I do that? Why can't I just go relax? Why do I do that?

Because you think the other things have to get done first.

Do I have to—

you set conditions.

Women think that they have to deserve relaxation.

Is that— you think you didn't earn it? Wow, we could have a whole separate topic on that.

So it's such— all these lies that we tell ourselves. We don't have to earn relaxation. It's okay to sit down. It's okay to take a minute. Um, I don't have to earn it. And I lie to myself all day. I say I'll sit down in 5 minutes and then I go do something else.

Yes, you get stimulated by your environment and see that you need to— you decided you need to clean 6 other things.

What did you call that? Multifocal diffused awareness. Oh, I'm talking about my lenses.

My lenses, the contacts are multifocal. No, this is diffused awareness. It's biological and genetic. Pretty much most women have it and men have singular awareness from Evolution.

So, so that drives us crazy because our men are focused on one thing and I'm like, I asked you to take the garbage out. Okay, well, you asked me to do this too. Can I do this first before I take the garbage out?

I will do that thing as soon as I finish the first thing and she's like, hurry up already.

Sometimes I'm like, no, stop what you're doing. I want the garbage out right now.

Right, go do that and then come back to the thing.

Is it deserved or ingrained? As a kid, you can't play until your chores are done.

Melissa, there are never-ending chores now. That is so true. I still— I come home and my wife is like, you just got home from 5, 8, 10, 12-hour day, why are you doing more work? And I'm like, because I gotta finish my chores before I get to go sit down. Uh, yep, totally. I'm like, because I had to do my homework when I got home from school before I could go outside and play. Huh, that's all our parents' fault.

Interesting. My parents didn't tell me I had to do X before Y.

Oh, before you watch TV, before you run out and play.

Okay, so I gotta do your homework, gotta study, right? But I, I did my homework every day. I didn't have to be asked.

Maybe you weren't a teenager.

And I also sometimes did it in front of the TV.

Nope, I couldn't.

Nobody cares.

You had to be off.

Nobody cares.

You gotta be able to concentrate.

I got amazing grades.

And you're— we know you're fabulous.

Well, I'm just saying there's, there's all this rigidity.

Yes, you know what, we grew up in different houses.

It depends on the kid.

You're an oldest firstborn girl and I was a youngest boy.

Yeah, it just depends on the kid. If your kid is taking advantage and they're watching TV and they're not doing their homework, right? I understand as a parent now that you want your kid to focus on their homework and not be watching TV. Yes, I get it now. Yes, but I had no problems with that. Yes.

Of course you did.

I was very good with distractions, but I'm distracted right now, so I'll go back to that. Okay, okay. I'm going to schedule myself a massage. So I said all of last year that I was going to schedule myself a facial. Never did it. If you watched last week, you know that I did finally got it.

I did get a big thing with the facial.

I got a facial.

That's what it is for moms. That's a big thing. It wasn't I scheduled my surgery. It was you don't need any. It was, I got a facial.

Well, I also need to schedule the gynecologist appointment.

Don't go tangent.

Listen, I went to the primary. I went to my primary. Progress.

You did something. You took care of yourself.

So, but notice that if the kids need to go to the doctor, if the kids need a haircut, if the kids want something, if the kids need to go to the dentist or have an eye appointment—

You've got 72 appointments scheduled for that.

I don't slack on the pets and the kids.

Yes.

So I need to not slack on myself.

Yes, but I put yourself first.

But I have told myself for many months now that I'm going to schedule the massage, and I know I'm not alone. So I'm telling all of us, stop lying, stop fooling yourself, schedule the damn massage. Okay, so we're all gonna go to Excurio. We're all gonna schedule a massage.

Oh, let's do it. That's— that should be the prize for the next giveaway is a massage.

Oh.

Can we do that? Can I buy whoever the winner is— can I buy them a massage at Excurian?

I kind of think I bought a prize already.

Maybe you could do it for May, Mother's Day.

Okay, we'll discuss.

We'll discuss.

That's it.

I don't need to speak for you.

It's actually a really good idea.

She said it. I have a good idea.

We could give a massage away for Mother's Day as like a separate—

yes.

Anyways, we won't go off on a tangent again. I hear mothers all the time say they haven't gotten their hair done in 6 months. Go get your hair done, go get the massage, stop lying to yourself, make yourself the appointment that you've been slacking on. Okay, so this can wait. All day long we say this can wait, this can wait, that can wait. Oh, the basement is overflowing. It can wait, I can do it tomorrow. Or like, what other examples did I have? I'm gonna clean out my closet, I'm gonna make the dentist appointment. It all can wait.

Something always takes precedence.

Why do we say that we can wait or we'll do it tomorrow when we— It's major procrastination. We're lying to ourselves. We're total fools for saying the same lines over and over again. And this is a really bad one. I'll exercise tomorrow. And I want you to know that as—

Is tomorrow ever coming?

Yes, well, For me, yes, but I am guilty of saying I'll exercise tomorrow. But while I was writing this, I said, you're gonna be done and you're gonna go exercise. You're not gonna say you're gonna exercise tomorrow, you're actually gonna go exercise. But we say it all the time.

Yes.

I mean, I hear women all the time saying, I'll do it tomorrow, whatever it is, right? Okay, we will go on a date next month or next week. I will say that there are couples who prioritize dating each other and they do a great job. Oh, Jamie's here!

I have a Canva project, but here we literally are. There is always something better or more enjoyable. I'll accept your offer and relax. I love it. Oh my goodness, we should be the more enjoyable, right?

Well, she's saying that, she's saying that we're more enjoyable.

I'm agreeing.

Thank you for saying that, Jamie. I'm glad I can distract you from your project. And yes, you help me. She will be laying down and I will be like, I want to go lay down.

In 5 minutes I'll get to lay down.

Tomorrow I'll— no, but she, she helps me with that. And, and I love when you are relaxing. It makes me so happy if you are laying down and relaxing because Jamie has 4 children and 27 pets. I think 7 pets. Jamie, am I right?

I didn't mean to give you an extra 20 bets.

She does not have 27 pets.

14 goldfish.

I don't think she has— do you have fish anymore?

See, I never fished at one point.

There were fish because the fish tank broke when I showed up to go for a walk with her. Anyways, I'm totally off topic.

7 pets is correct, she says. Okay, 7 pets.

Yes, she agrees. Um, so anyways, couples do prioritize going on dates. I am guilty of saying we'll go on a date next month. We got one for my birthday. We did. No fish, the tank cracked. Yeah, 3 turtles.

Does anyone have turtle doves? I want to meet someone with a turtle.

Oh my gosh. So anyways, stop saying that you're gonna date your husband and go Stop fooling yourself and go take your husband.

Yes, let's go on another date.

Okay, so when I was talking to Ella while I was writing this, I said, what do I say that is not true? Like, how do I fool myself? And she said, Mom, you think everything is your fault.

That's really good.

Isn't that so sad that she gave me two? Actually, Lily, I should have asked you too what I say to fool myself, but Ella said two lines. The first one is that I think everything is my fault. And why do mothers think everything is our fault? So the kids—

it's usually my fault.

If the kids are struggling with something, it's all our fault. If the kids— if you get a call from school, it's all your fault. If anything happens remotely with the kids, the pets, if your kid is using teenage lingo, it's all your fault. Like everything is your fault. And like, if, if Lily goes to school and I'm like, pull your skirt down, it's too short, they're gonna think it's my fault. If you're dressed—

you're gonna think I'm a bad mother. They're gonna think I'm a bad mom. Tonight you said this at dinner.

Everything is my fault, and it's not true. It is not true. First of all, there's two of us.

I didn't buy any of the clothes. I did not pick out a single outfit.

None of the clothes are your fault.

I had nothing to do with it. The clothes are all— I would send her in a turtleneck and a burqa and jeans, baggy sweatpants.

The clothes is all my fault. So anyways, I promise everything is not your fault, but what I did tell Ellen when she said that is that means that I need to take credit for all of the good things too.

You gotta blame yourself elegantly for all the good stuff.

So when you get a call from school and your child did something well, that's your fault too.

Love it.

So, oh my gosh, this line is so untrue and all mothers say it and I say this multiple times a day. No one helps me.

Oh my God, if I could never hear those words. If you could delete it from your vocabulary.

Okay, I need to never say those words again because they are so untrue. First of all, if I were to say anything to this man sitting next to me, he will get up and help me. I definitely am not alone.

You are not.

I definitely don't have to do everything.

You do not.

If I say—

when you got home last night, tag, you're it.

Oh my God, I walked in the door from driving Lily and her friends home.

I had just gotten home from work.

He had just like walked in the door and Lily had to turn around and go back to school, and I literally said tag. So that's my line. I'm giving you that line to, to teach your husband. Tag, you're it, means I'm done, you're it.

Melissa says, so it's my good job that Ike has my attitude and ma'am help you. I don't think I read that right, but yes, it's your good job.

It's all your fault.

All your credit.

Yes, yes, if he has a sassy attitude like his mother, it's all your fault.

Hey, where did the third one get it from?

Okay, so No, so you said something very helpful.

Okay.

And Lily should plug her ears, but when I was younger, I was an angel and I was so sweet and kind and I did not give my mother lip.

Okay, so it's all my fault then?

No, no, I'm getting to the—

I'm—

it could be all your fault. But Seth was not like that growing up. But I will say Seth said something to me about how I am now, and he's like, you may have been an angel growing up, but now you can be sassy and now you can have an attitude. And I was like, oh, she's not copying you from 4 years ago. She's not copying me from when I was 13. She's copying me from 49. So when I get lippy with all of them—

No!

She's learned— well, listen, listen, I've heard stories about you growing up.

Let's not do that. I went the other way. I became the angel now.

Oh my gosh, I don't think your mother would say that.

Hey, you're not helping.

I love you so much.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Okay, where was I? Okay, so anyway, the no one helps me is not true. And this was, um, the no one helps me line is from me, but what Ella did say to me is you don't realize all the support that you have.

Yes.

So we have support, we just need to not be martyrs and actually use the supports. Yes. Okay, I don't think I'm enough. Okay, we all feel that way. We could have done work from 6 AM to 9:20 PM and still not think that we're enough. Yeah, we are enough. And our work doesn't define us, and what we get done doesn't define us, and we don't have to earn laying down.

Amen.

Preach it. I'm preaching to the choir. You— okay, we think that we have to hold it together all day. God forbid we get upset. God forbid we raise our voice. We get so hard on ourselves if we do anything wrong. We don't have to be perfect. We don't have to be patient, calm saints all day. We're human beings and we have all of the emotions.

A lot of them.

Melissa likes that.

Yes. Jamie says, anxiety equals relaxing during the day. We need to delegate more. I am kanaf.

So, um, delegation is a skill. I am not the best delegator, and part of the problem that mothers have is that we're perfectionists and we want things done a certain way, and/or we feel bad. I mean, for me, if my kids are going from school to an activity to their homework I feel bad interrupting them, so I usually just do it. But we do need to delegate more.

Yes.

I shouldn't feel overwhelmed. That is a line of bullcrap.

Melissa says, I'm laughing my ass off. I have all the emotions and my face will say so.

Yep, that's how I am, Melissa. Melissa, we would be besties if you lived here. For sure. I definitely have all of the emotions and my face definitely gives it all away.

Yes.

And Jamie Kristen is texting us instead of joining us.

Yeah, tell your friends to get on here. Let's go. So share it.

Okay, I shouldn't feel overwhelmed is bullcrap. We have a lot of balls in the air. We are going all day, endlessly all day, keeping all the balls in the air, juggling all the stuff all day. And expecting ourselves to be calm, cool, collected, and not overwhelmed. Does that sound realistic?

It does not.

I mean, I don't think it sounds very realistic. I think we can strive to be the calm beacon of strength and, you know, all of the things, all of the things. Tonight's a comedy routine. Jamie, if I'm making you laugh right now, that makes me so happy. Okay, listen, if I can make a mom laugh tonight, I have done my job.

That's right.

Yes. And I have had women tell me that we are their Wednesday night TV, and that is like the biggest honor ever. Okay, everyone else is doing a better job.

Ouch. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Why do we think that everyone else is doing a better job? It is really not true. Um, I think that I had two reasons for that. Number one, we're comparing ourselves to people's highlight reels on social media. And what was my second reason? Oh, when we see people, they're holding it together in public. So I had a friend come up to me, this was hysterical to me, she was like, "Oh, I wish I could be more like so-and-so, she's so well put together." So-and-so had just unloaded all of her stress on me. So-and-so may look all put together but inside she does not feel all together. So just because you see one thing, you have no idea how they're feeling inside. You have no idea what's going on behind closed doors, and you are most definitely not, not comparing yourself to the real person. It's just a facade. And I promise you, everyone is not picture perfect. Everyone is not all put together. We all have stuff going on.

Amen.

So please stop thinking that someone else is doing a better job. You're doing an amazing job. And it's okay if you got upset today, and it's okay if you forgot something. It's all okay. We just lie to ourselves all day.

Yes.

Okay, I can't miss anything that my kids do. It doesn't matter if you have 1 kid or 6 kids. Stuff— you might have work, you might have something with a friend, a family member, your husband. Just because you only have 1 kid doesn't mean you can go to all of the kids' stuff and you can't— maybe can't go to all of the field trips. So my friend commented on my— if you go to Facebook, there's a Whiny Poo's a Mom free group. And my friend commented and said that she read this and she doesn't think that she can't miss anything. What she thinks is that all the other moms aren't missing anything.

Oh, so she's compared herself and made her feel bad.

So she's like, "Everybody goes to all of their kids' stuff, but I can't." Well, everybody can't go to all of their kids' stuff. I mean, I— we are with moms all the time. We are witness to the fact that moms are missing things. And I have two moms in particular that I'm thinking of right now that were excellent role models for me because they have older kids at the same schools, and they would show up Like, I'm thinking of, I'm thinking of Lynn showing up to soccer and saying, okay, I can watch him for 30 minutes and then I'm going to her game over here.

Yeah.

So she was one of the women who showed me that, yeah, you do what you can do, you know. And what about Eliza, who goes from tutoring to a meeting to a kid's game, right? So like, I have friends who have shown me that maybe they're going to bits and pieces of each kid's things, or maybe they're going to go to this kid's lacrosse game, but they'll go to, you know, what's the same sport? They'll go to the softball game another time, right? So we have to juggle, and we have to realize that there is no parent out there who can go to everything, right? But for some reason, we like to fool ourselves and make ourselves feel bad.

We do.

Okay, so any other lies that I tell myself? Lily, any other lies that I tell myself? What do you got? You're like super hard on yourself and you tell yourself you can't get certain things done.

Oh, okay. Instead of saying, yeah, you can't get it done.

So, so Lily says I'm super hard on myself, myself, and I say that I I can't get things done.

I don't have time to do it all.

Sometimes you say like, uh, like even one, you're like, I don't know when we have time to get my trainings and I have 26 hours. So, so Lily is the sweetest. On the way to school every day, she says, Mom, like, what's on the agenda today? What are you doing today? She likes to know what I'm doing when she's in school. And I'm like, I'm gonna do work. You know, for these hours. I'm going to do a training for these hours. I'm going to do errands for these hours. Like, I tell her about my day. And, uh, one of the things— so I did, did do a training today on our mindset, and the woman said, what is something that you say to yourself that works for you? One of the things that I say to myself is, it all always gets done. Okay, so I have 21— so I've done 15 hours of training.

For your social work license?

My social work license gets renewed at the end of May. I thought it was the beginning of the May, but I looked it up and I am saved because I just gained 31 days. So I have until the end of May to finish my training requirements to renew my license, and I have 21 more hours to do. So one of the things that I tend to tell myself is It's okay, it always gets done.

Yes.

So instead of saying, I don't think I can get this done, let's go back to the— let's go back to lines that work for us, and let's say, it always gets done. And that stems from my mother because she always says to me, you always get it done. So see, it's ingrained in me now because I do always get it done. So I want to hear if any of you have lines that are not lies that actually work for you and serve you. So maybe we can start replacing some of these lies with things that make us feel better and that aren't tearing us down, because the more we build ourselves up, the better we feel and the better mother we are, right?

Amen.

So I'm gonna catch myself in these lies and, uh, let's make the massage appointment or the hair appointment or whatever appointment. Yes. Uh, I don't know, which lie do you think I need to work on the most? Which one? All of them.

No, I think if you had to prioritize, maybe the one I'll sit down in 5 minutes. Oh really? Take— so you take better care of yourself. Actually go sit down.

I did hear from that woman the Chinese doctor, Chinese medicine, whatever she talks about, that we are supposed to keep going all day, that it's good for us.

Okay, but I'm going to respectfully disagree and say you also need downtime. You need to relax and not run yourself ragged.

Okay, so we don't have to earn the downtime. Yes, that's the message.

Yes.

So I hope that you laughed with me. I hope that we entertained you. I hope that you related and, uh, inspired. I hope that we can shift some of these lines.

Melissa says, eff it, I'll figure it out because I always do, and I'll dust myself off again when I can. That is often in my self-talk.

That is growth mindset.

It's often in my self-talk loop.

Love it, Melissa. That is a growth mindset, which we talked about at length today, that the people who come against obstacles and know that they can figure it out do so much better than the people who are, like, shutting down because they're hitting obstacles. And they did a test in a classroom, and I hope Lily's listening, and they gave 10-year-olds math problems that were too hard for them, and the woman presenting said that it was amazing what she was hearing from kids. Some of the kids were like, "Oh, I love a good challenge!" Like she said, you could really see the growth mindset, and you could see some kids shutting down because it was just too hard. So I guess the point is we are supposed to hit challenges, we are supposed to hit discomfort, and we are supposed to just learn to get through it and know that we will. So thank you for that, Melissa. That is an amazing example of a growth mindset.

That's awesome.

So we're gonna stop lying and we're gonna stop having a fixed mindset and we're gonna have more of a growth mindset. So if you are not in the Winey Pooza Mom Facebook group, please come find us.

Jamie says, self-fulfilling prophecy. I can do hard things and I'm tougher than most. I also use IDGAF to let things go and stop the insanity. It's about coaching. Does IDGF stand for I don't give up?

Yes.

Okay.

Yes. Um, I love that Jamie does not give a flying what people think. It is pretty amazing to watch. I have learned a lot from this lady, and, um, she can do really hard things, and she knows she can do really hard things. So that's awesome that she knows that. And we have to teach our kids that they can do hard things. I think that's the thing that I needed to learn, that I was going to hit really hard things as a teenager and that it was gonna be okay and that I was strong enough to get through that stuff. I don't think that I actually believed that as a teenager. So hopefully I am helping my kids to believe that. I think they have proven to themselves that they can do hard things. So the more proof that we have, the more we believe that.

Yes.

Okay, so, so you're going to come join us on the Wine Inclusive Mom Facebook group in, um, on Facebook, and you are going to join us on Friday. Oh my gosh, why am I blanking out?

Iren— Friday podcast. Yeah, Iren Irene Rubin.

Irene Rubin. I'm totally blanking on how to pronounce that, and I just talked to her.

You're going to talk to her about—

okay, so I talked to this fabulous lady about staying calm in the chaos. Jamie says resilience. Amen. It's all about resilience. So there's a new podcast on Friday. We're going to stay calm in the chaos, which we all want. And I love this lady, and I feel bad if I'm pronouncing her name wrong. And what else, honey?

Um, I have an announcement to make. Oh, Rebecca does not know this. Oh, this is not an April Fool's prank. Oh, um, your podcast, as you know, has been blowing up, and in the month of February you had 49,000 downloads.

Holy crap!

Um, I'm gonna have you read the number of how many you got in March because you won't believe me if I tell you. Can you read that number for us?

Shut up.

131,149.

It's your downloads for the month of March.

And this, this is not an April Fool's joke. That's the month of March. That's from our hosting platform. Congratulations, you broke 100,000 in a month.

Holy crap.

You're gonna say you knew this lady when—

oh my God. Okay, that's amazing. So thank you.

Congratulations.

Thank you for the hearts. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for listening to the podcast. And share this with a mom who needs to stop lying to herself and listen to, to us on Friday so that you can stay more calm in the chaos. You have anything else you want to share?

That's it for now.

Oh my goodness, we'll see you next— oh, we won't see you next week. Yes, we will see you after spring break. Yes, we will be back.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

Happy spring break. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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