Episode 039 Your Marital Questions Answered

Hello, hello everyone! Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday! No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday. Have some wine and join us on the Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family. Lily's singing from upstairs. Aloha! Thank you for singing. You're welcome. Thank you, my love. I love you. I love you too. Go do your thing. You're set free.

Set free. All right, we're live everywhere we're supposed to be.

Thank you, honey.

You're welcome.

Thank you, my technical support. I was fixing my makeup and he was getting everything ready, and I was like, I like him in a tech guy.

You got it, honey.

So, holy mommy burnout today. Uh, I had a few ideas for this week, but I finished this book and got to talk to the author, Dr. Cheryl Ziegler, for my podcast this week. Um, she— it's not going live this week, but I got to interview her pretty much right after I finished the book. So it was like perfect timing. It all is coming together. We are live right now on Wednesday night on Facebook in multiple places. We will also put this on YouTube. And next week, if you're more of a podcast person, it will be available for you to listen to on my podcast on iTunes, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, TuneIn, Pandora, iHeartRadio. You're like a walking commercial. I love it. Yes. So today's topic is mommy burnout. Today couldn't have been more appropriate for this topic. What a day I had. Wednesdays in my house can be crazy. I'm not going to go into the details.

Why is Wednesday crazy though? So why is Wednesday different from all other days?

Well, Lily has— my kids are all home on Wednesdays, on Wednesdays. Lily has Zoom from 9 to 11:45, complains most of the time. Some days go better than others. Today did not go so well. She was good until 11, and then she shut it and melted down and said, "I'm done, and I'm stressed, and I can't do this anymore." I want to tell all of you parents, one of my greatest coping strategies is choose your battles. And I thought for a second, she needs to get back on. But she was in such an unresourceful space. And if I'm going to be really honest with you, I had an 11 o'clock. And I was like, I can't, I can't talk to this woman on the phone and fight with Lily. And she's in an unresourceful place. So that was just one of the reasons for my burnout today. I told Seth I have heard women say that they feel like they're like drowning and can't come up. And it was just one of those days where everything felt off. I was dropping things, Lily was dropping things, Max was losing things. Ella and Lily were fighting. They all had a dentist appointment.

Yes, you took all three to the dentist at the same time.

Which is fine. But anyways, this topic couldn't be more perfect for today. And I want to tell you that I went upstairs for 10 minutes and breathed and fixed my hair and fixed my makeup and put on my new earrings. And just 10 minutes to yourself can completely reset you. So I think that we think that we need like an hour or we need like time that we don't have. But even if you take 5 minutes to yourself, just being by myself in my bedroom for 10 minutes, I'm like, okay, I'm in a better space. Let's go do this. So let's talk about the book. Let's talk about Dr. Cheryl Ziegler. Let's talk about how to— let's talk about how to not have mommy burnout and how to feel like we are surviving our days in a better place. And the number one way to avoid burnout from all of the research that Dr. Ziegler did, and I 100% agree with the research, is that we need to have face-to-face contact with our friends. We need friends. Women need friends. And I'm not talking about texting. I'm not talking about talking to them on social media. We actually need to have face-to-face contact with our friends. And she actually said that if all of her clients had a best friend, she'd probably have half of the practice that she has right now. Jessica agrees. Jessica, you agree we need our friends. And I didn't have any face-to-face contact with my friends today, but I text my friends every single day. And I will tell you that the doctor would say that's not good enough and I need to make more of an effort. And she said, don't hide behind your texts. Don't hide behind your social media. Make plans. Don't say you're too tired. Force yourself to do it for your own mental health. So that is the research. Number 1, we need our friends. Number 2 is we need community. And Jessica knows what I'm talking about. Jessica is very involved at our synagogue, and our synagogue is an example of a community. But she was, when we were talking, she was talking about how we all have communities. We were a part of our kids' schools, we're a part of our kids' sports. You know, she gave lots of examples and she went back to, it starts when Tina agrees. Tina's part of my synagogue too. You have to, you have to move. You're like totally distracting me. Get out of the way.

I'm trying to share their comments on screen.

Please don't.

Okay, sorry ladies.

I'm getting used to this new technology, so forgive me. He's reaching over me. I'm just gonna try, I'm just gonna, you know what, I'm gonna try to ignore what Seth is doing and I'm just gonna keep going. So, Dr. Ziegler and I, when we were talking, we were talking about how it goes back to when we were having our babies. And we have our babies, we're pregnant and everyone's giving us attention and then we have our babies and everyone's coming to meet the new baby and then people disappear and for me, Max was born in the winter and thankfully my mother came over like every day. I can't even tell you what I would have done with— I don't know what I would have done without my mother because I was losing my mind, no sleep, learning how to breastfeed, new baby. I remember those days. And I found— I don't know how old he was, 6 months, 8 months, whatever. I joined the moms club, hence community number 1. Then he went to nursery school, a new community, and then elementary school. And we were talking about how our communities shift through the years, but that we have to be a part of one. And if we aren't a part of one, she said, find one or create one. And I accidentally created one. I didn't mean to. You know what I'm talking about?

Why don't you tell them what you're talking about?

I'm saying to you, you know what I'm talking about.

Yes, I know what you're talking about.

So as things evolve, just in what I'm doing every day, I decided to do the Winey Palooza Mom Group and it's on Facebook. So she would say, she would say, no, no, Rebecca, that's on social media. That doesn't count. However, it's doing a lot for me and I did not expect like that at all. It's a community of wonderful people who are all so loving and supportive. And quite frankly, we could post anything and you would have tons of support and tons of advice. And I'm really enjoying it and I'm hoping it's going to evolve. And as people get more comfortable, we can even do stuff in person. I was like, oh wow, we can have like a Winey Palooza mom night. Oh, we can have a Winey Palooza book club.

You should all— yes, you should make— coordinate with all the local all the local moms and rent out a restaurant and the husbands will agree to watch the kids and you could go have a mom night out.

Yeah. And, and the ideas came to me when I was writing this blog about this topic. I hadn't thought about it before then, but I was like, okay, so I'm finding this on Facebook, which is great, but social media doesn't fulfill us the way that in person fulfills us. And one of the things Dr. Ziegler said to me is just get moms together. If you get moms together doing anything, a product, selling something. Like, you know how they have like jewelry parties, Tupperware parties?

You've been to every one party, every single party your friends have done. You should have a wine night.

Okay, so I will have a winey palooza wine night. But I'm saying that she said to me, yes, if you just get moms together selling books, selling anything—

you don't need to sell anything.

I'm saying— not me, I don't need to sell anything. But I'm saying when we go to stuff, yes, when people are selling stuff, yes. We're together, we're drinking wine and we're talking and we're happy to be together. Yes, that's what I'm saying.

Right.

Okay, so community. We talked about boundaries a lot. And there are so many ways for us to create more better boundaries in our life to feel less burned out. And I want to start with our devices. And I am Guilty. I am totally guilty. I do not have good enough boundaries with my phone. And I realized when I was writing my blog, I should have tracked how many times I looked at my phone. Why was I looking at my phone? What did I think I was missing? Focus. Seth and I were talking about how focused he is at work. Focus on what you're doing and you will get it done so much faster. Than if you're distracted by a device. So, you know, we were just talking about how we have to create better boundaries with our devices, not having devices in our bedrooms. When we get together with someone, we were talking about how we have to put our phone away to make the person feel more important. Like, the phone makes them feel like something more important might come up. I guess putting our phone away is much better etiquette when we're together with people, which I understand because when Seth and I go on a date, I want his attention, right?

Yes, even if it's not a date, even if it's just, hey, can I talk to you for a minute? If I am on the phone, looking at my phone, you get annoyed.

Well, even at home, if I'm trying to talk to Seth, I have some friends I met standing on the corner waiting to pick up the kids. Yes, Jessica, that's like such a good example. Um, it's so bad, and how can we be good role models to our kids? So, so true. And she talked about that, that we can't expect our kids to be doing something that we're doing ourselves. In fact, even driving. Seth and I had a conversation about driving. My phone, I don't even want to look at my phone. I don't even need it for directions because now my car will give me directions. I used to use it for directions, but I said to Seth, Max is going to be driving in 2 years. We need to really be super, super good role models and just put our phone away. I don't care, you know, what you're doing. It doesn't matter if you're at a red light. It doesn't matter anything. Just don't even touch your phone. Teach that to Max and our other two children. But yes, have your kids put their devices away for dinner. All of you put your devices away for dinner. Put devices away for bed. Boundaries can help prevent burnout, and the boundaries go further to people and children. And I am so guilty. I used to think that my kids needed to be happy all the time. Seth, you're so much better at this than I am. Seth does not think our kids need to be happy. I am a people pleaser who became a wife and mother who was trying to please my husband and my kids all the time and burning myself out. And what I have realized is I have an 8-year-old who wants my attention most of the time that she's home, which is totally unrealistic. It is okay for me to say, I have a 1 o'clock podcast, you're gonna go do your work, I'm gonna be done at whatever time I'm done, I want to go do this, and then I will come and play a game with you. It is okay for me to say, no, I'm busy right now, I can't do that. I don't have to please her 24 hours a day when she's home.

Right.

And this was a boundary lesson for me because I was trying to please my children and my husband all the time.

And for the record, I'm gone 8+ hours a day. So you're not worried necessarily so much about— I'm not immediately demanding your time and that you cook for me multiple times a day throughout the day and asking you for help with homework and stuff.

Right. But you have also learned something important that is I am in the middle of something.

Yes, it took me a while to figure that out.

So I will be having a thought, I'll be writing a sentence, I'll be, you know, texting someone in the middle of the text, and I feel crazy when people are talking to me and I'm trying to get something done. Can I multitask? Yes. Should we multitask? No. Multitasking is one of the things that Dr. Ziglar says, X multitasking out of your life. Focus on one thing at a time, you will get it done better and you will feel less burned out. And multitasking— today in the kitchen I was like doing way too many things, and I was like, no wonder I feel so burned out. There, Max is asking me for something, Lily's asking me for something, Ella's asking me to help her with her needle trying to thread for a home ec project. Max is asking me for help to try to build a paper boat for engineering. Lily— I don't know what Lily was doing, but She's always asking. I didn't say anything, Lily. I love you.

See, now I'm worried that she's not gonna be happy.

So, so no to multitasking, no to pleasing our children all the time. We don't have to be the best parents. We don't have to be the perfect parents.

Sometimes you're the best parent by saying no.

Well, and they have to learn that they don't need to be happy all the time.

Right. Or attended to.

Right. So we're going to get rid of multitasking. We're going to get rid of thinking that our children need to be happy all the time. We're going to tell our husband, when I am done with this sentence, I would love to have a conversation with you. And you have been very sweet about that.

I have learned that lesson. Unfortunately, I apologize. It took me a while to figure it out, and some painful, uh, advice given until I realized, oh, when you look over and she's looking down at her phone and her thumbs are moving, um, you should wait until they stop moving and then say, hey, is now a good time to ask my dumb question?

Well, and it's never dumb. I love your questions. It's never— why are you laughing? You never have a dumb question. Have I ever said yes?

When you have been in an unresourceful state, yes, you have said, that's really dumb, or I can't believe you asked me that, or whatever.

For real?

Why would I make this up?

I, I cannot recall.

Come on. See, this is how she gets away with everything. She has selective amnesia and she instantly forgets anything that could possibly be negative. It's one of her happiness secrets. And then I'm left and I'm like, I can't believe you did that or that happened. And she's like, what are you talking about? I don't remember that. I'm like, must be nice.

It goes back to childbirth. If we remembered—

so every mom has this problem. You're saying this skill of selective amnesia?

I don't know if every mom— moms, you can comment and tell me.

Yeah, help me out here.

You can tell me if this is, um, something that every mom has, or is it just unique to my wonderful wife, to cope. But for me, I had such a rough time giving birth to Max, and Seth was so sweet. He was like, I'm really sorry, but I'm just going to ask you to do this one more time. Just one more time. And if I remembered every detail of what happened the first time, I never would have gone for the second time.

Okay. I don't know if that's entirely true.

Okay. I would have still gone, but I would have been more traumatized.

Yes. The oxytocin made you forget something.

I think that there is a special— we could look it up, but I think there's a special hormone that women have, and I think it has a name, and I think I've read about this, and that we forget a lot of stuff so that we have more babies. And I think that it applies to my life in general and not just to having babies.

So you generalize this skill?

Yes.

That's fantastic.

You talk about this skill all the time because we fight and I kind of just kind of blow it to the wind and let it go.

Yes, you are much better at that than me.

Not that I don't want to resolve it. I just want to like move on from it after it's finished.

After you think it's finished. There might be a slight discrepancy there, but we could do a whole nother—

okay, we'll do, we'll do a marital one. Yes, soon.

Yes.

So we love— I, I'm not going to talk for everybody, but I love to say yes. I'm a yes girl. I'm a both girl. Seth will say, do you want this or this?

And I'll say, her answer is always, can we have both?

Do I have to pick, and I want to say yes to you. If you ask me something, I want to say yes to you, and I have to also learn what is important to me, what are my values, what is, what is top on my list that I want to say yes to, and I need to say yes to what really matters. And I can't tell you how many women have told me that they struggle to say no, and I can't tell you how much I relate. And we also have to protect ourselves. And we have to prevent burnout, prevent mommy burnout, say no.

Yes, there's a book called When I Say No I Feel Guilty, which is really good on the topic.

I think I read it, but I definitely need to read it again. So let's—

I think I stole it from your book collection.

I think we stole it from my parents. So I will go find it at their house. I think I know where it is. And I will read that book again because I certainly need to read it again. Okay, so some really good advice about the word busy. We need to get rid of the word busy from our vocabulary. And so Dr. Ziegler was telling me get rid of multitasking, and she was also telling me get rid of the word busy. And she said that busy builds walls, and I see it in my life. And I have friends who will say to me, I know you're so busy, but Do you think you can make some time for me? And honestly, friends, if you're watching this, I feel so sad when you say this because you're so important to me. And the busyness of, you know, kids, the house, the errands, the work that I'm trying to fit into my life, it's all important. But my connections with my family and friends are number one to me. And we were talking about how my friends will say to me, I know that you're so I hate when they say that because I want them to know how important they are to me. So we were talking about how people think that busy is like this badge of honor, like, I'm so important, I'm so busy. Well, guess what? Everybody's busy. You know how many times I have said to people, I'm no more busier than you are. In fact, you have a full-time job and full-time with the kids. So I'm— I don't think that I'm busier than the next mother. I think we're all busy. And I think we all make time for what's important. Do you agree with this?

I agree with that.

I see you nodding.

Yes.

Amen. I want to— I want to say one more thing. And all of this stuff is going to help us feel less burned out. We need to take care of ourselves, and we have talked about this over and over and over again, and I will bring it up again and again and again that we have to do stuff for ourselves. I went on the exercise bike today.

Good job.

And children came down and found me a few times, but I still did it for myself. Did I do anything else for myself today? I don't think so. But I take time to read. I take walks a lot with my dog to just do something for myself. I have started meditating. I have been much more religious with journaling. And I would say one of my favorite ways of taking care of myself is my evening routine, which— well, my nighttime routine, which you know very well.

Yeah, share with them.

It's how I unwind at the end of the night and get set to go to bed. And I read my book. No, I start with my journal. I usually start with my journal and then I read my book, whatever book I choose to read for the night. And then I end with a short meditation. And it's, you know, we talk about how children need routines to go to bed. Well, so do adults. And I have one that is really working for me. And you, I think you have a similar one.

I do.

And anything different about yours that you want to share?

I listen to a sleep deeply meditation before getting into bed and relax on our nice couch while I listen to that. And then I come upstairs and I also read and journal and then do your meditation with you.

Yes. So Karen says, "Good topic tonight." Awesome. I'm so glad. Good topics every week, but this one is so perfect for right now. I can definitely relate. And I want to— Karen, you know I relate. We're all so busy. Karen is so busy. She works full-time. She works at home while her kids are doing school. She's a Girl Scout leader with me. She does so many— she's a Girl Scout leader for 2 troops. We're all so busy, but that doesn't mean that our friendships aren't important. And I want all of my friends who listen to this to know that you're more important than most— a lot of the stuff that I had to do today. I didn't want to do the laundry. I didn't want to do the dishes. I want to go walk with you.

You didn't want to go to the dentist.

I didn't want to go to the dentist. And we also talked, Dr. Ziegler and I talked about how this past year in particular has been the hardest on women. We're not going to say it's not— it hasn't been hard on men. It has been hard on so many men, but women in particular have been at the forefront of working at home with their kids also doing school at home. And I think that instead of going to the office and seeing your coworkers and feeling like you have friends and adult face-to-face time, we're now— you're now home with your kids. And as much as we love our kids, it makes us feel lonely sometimes for other women. So please make time for yourself. No guilt. You, you need it. You deserve it. It will make you better in every way of your life, in your work, in your home, in your marriage. And I want to end with telling you about the self-care challenge that starts tomorrow, that I, I feel like such a dork right now because I get so excited for this stuff. Why do I get so excited for this stuff, Seth?

I mean, why do you get excited for this stuff? That's a great question.

I think I'm easily excitable.

So go join my Whiny Plus a Mom group if you aren't watching this in there already.

Oh yeah, they might be watching in there, in the group. Yes, join the group. The challenge starts tomorrow. We're gonna do a 5-day challenge where we're gonna comment every day on something that we did to take care of ourselves. It could literally be for 5 minutes.

But you have to do something every day for 5 days and tell them what they get if they win.

I was going to say that for me today, I could even write, I did my makeup by myself for 10 minutes.

Good point. You did not get interrupted.

Nobody came to find me. It was lovely. So my idea is that I go to— Seth and I go to Destination Massage for our massages. And it is the best massage I have ever had. And I want to share the love. So if you— we will do a random drawing at the end if you have done—

if you have commented every day for 5 days with something you did to take care of yourself every day.

Yes, if you do the challenge with me, because I'm gonna do it with you, and you comment every day under the post every day, then you will be entered into a random drawing, and the winner will win a massage at my favorite place. If you do not like massages, or you don't live in Western New York, I was gonna say that. Sorry. I love that you finished my sandwiches. So ridiculous. This, this is why I stay up late. No one is awake but me. A quiet, peaceful house where my name is not being called every 5 minutes.

Yes, Karen.

Oh my God. Amen. I can't tell you how many times I heard mommy today. I can't even count it. I love my children. Oh my gosh, that's another thing that she said. Dr. Ziegler said that all the women that she talks to, they all start with, I love my kids so much, but— she's like, I know that you love your kids. You don't have to say it. Well, I love my kids so much, but I can't tell you how many times I heard the word mommy today. So this was actually some self-care time for me. This was lovely to spend time with you all tonight. Thank you so much. For watching.

If you aren't in Western New York or you don't like massages—

yes, I, I didn't finish my sentence because I got distracted. But if you are not a massage person, you're crazy. I'm just kidding. Um, if you're not a massage person, I challenge you to go try one. And, or if you don't live in the area and you win, then you can have the cash value of the massage. Yes. And I don't know who's on the podcast this Friday. Do you know? Is it our marital one?

I do not, I do not know. I apologize.

Seth and I did, uh, we're so romantic on Valentine's Day. We did a marital special that still hasn't aired for my podcast, so that might be this week because you're so far ahead, because you're so busy being an overachiever. Look who's talking! Look who's talking behind me! Oh my God, sometimes I say Mommy is not here right now.

Awesome, Karen. I'm gonna try that.

That is such good advice. I'm gonna say, who's Mommy? She's not— she's not available. I don't think she's here. She left the building. There you go.

Oh my gosh, Mommy and Elvis left the building together.

Girls, who's gonna finish us out tonight? Come on down, Charlie Brown. Oh my goodness. Have a wonderful week. Thank you so much for watching. Please I would love if you would share my stuff, share my vlog, share my blog, share my podcast. And I have learned— I'm slow. I don't know everything that Seth knows about podcasting. But if you rate me and leave me a review, then they show it to more people and we can help more people.

So I would give her a 5-star review. She deserves it.

I would so love if you would rate and give me a review. Chris answers in falsetto, "It's Mommy here." Seth, will you try that?

I will try that next.

Okay, what, Lily? Me and Sissy are having movie night together. Oh my God, movie night is gonna turn into bedtime.

Yes, but sing us out first.

Sing us out, baby. Thank you for watching Lady Blues and Wednesday with the Green Family. Do your little thing.

Chicken.

Oh, have a good night, everyone.

Thank you, everybody.