Episode 168 Your Parenting Long Game: Summertime Tips

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles failures and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast, and I am extra excited today because I have brought back Rachel Bailey. Rachel, thank you so much for being here with me today.

Thank you for having me. I'm happy to be here.

Rachel was on episode 12, so go listen back to episode 12. She's amazing. And, um, almost 2 years later, can you believe it, I asked her to come back because I absolutely adore her. And I'm going to introduce you to her, and I'm going to tell you, um, that I listen to her podcast all the time, Long Game Parenting. Go find her, she's amazing. Uh, she helps me when I'm feeling like I'm struggling. I go listen to her, and she's like a friend that she doesn't know that she's my friend all the time while I'm listening to her.

But I do know that we're friends, so it's all good. And honestly, I'm real, that's all. You know that I'm imperfect too. That's probably why it feels like that.

I think you're fantastic. I just adore you. I'm so happy to talk to you. And I wanna tell you that Rachel Bailey is a parenting specialist who has been serving families for over a decade. Besides being a mother of two, She also has a master's degree in clinical psychology, a certification in positive discipline, and has provided services as an ADHD coach, in-home mentor, and therapist. Currently, Rachel teaches parents hands-on tools for raising responsible, resilient, confident children and helping parents find the time and energy to incorporate these tools into their lives. And I can attest to the fact that she's doing such good work, such fantastic tips, really doable stuff that I utilize all the time with my kids. So I'm so excited to talk to her, and I asked people to come back because I really want to hone in on starting this summer. Okay. Yeah, so summer's a little more challenging, I think.

Oh yeah, for sure.

So can we start with We're spending a lot more time together. And I told you summer is challenging. Can you give us a couple pointers to help us parent better in the summer? Let's start there.

Yes. So I would say two things that pop into my mind are number one, we resist this, but we have to create structure. And I know it's like, oh, let's let them stay up late and let's let them do whatever. And that backfires. Yeah, because it's like, oh, it's almost like we're going back to our own childhood where we're like, oh, freedom, yay! And so though— and we don't necessarily need to do the busyness of the school year, but we need some structure. Kids behave better and feel better when there's structure. So that's the first thing. And the second would be to know how to handle boredom. And we can talk about that, but structure and knowing how to handle boredom can really help a ton during the summer.

Those are— I mean, this is already fantastic. Those are awesome tips. I'm the queen of the fun bus. Let's get rid of the structure and relax and have fun. And it bites me in the you know what.

Absolutely. Yeah, it does. It's okay for like a day or two maybe, but then it just, it does backfire.

Oh my gosh. So go back to boredom.

Yes.

Okay. Let's talk about a tip to handle their boredom. I'm bored.

Yes. I'm gonna share a tip that I call a variation. So first of all, let me back up and say I am all about kids not being overscheduled. Like I'm not I do not believe we should entertain our kids at all. In fact, I love my kids, but if I had to entertain them, I would probably shoot myself. So when I say that we need to teach them, you know, how to not— how to handle boredom, I'm not saying that we need to entertain them at all. But what I will just point out to every parent who will probably nod their heads is that when your kids are bored, they don't say, hmm, let me go find the most creative thing that I can do and challenge my brain and stimulate myself. They bother their brother or sister. They annoy you. They make loud noises. They get into things. That's what they do when they're bored.

Bored.

And that's because their brain needs a certain amount of stimulation, and if they don't have it, they'll create it. And they usually don't create it in ways that we want. So I have a tip called a variation. And what I, what I suggest, if we actually add this a little bit to structure, I usually tell parents, structure your day so that you don't have more than like an hour-long block with nothing to do. And in that hour-long block, one of the things you can teach your kids is what I call variations, which is basically where you take something they like and you create variations on that. So let's say they like Legos. So maybe there's a Lego hour, and in this Lego hour, they're creating a Lego city where they have at least 5 red buildings and 5 blue buildings. So you like give them a goal or a challenge that they're doing. So it takes something they're interested in and just tweaks it slightly every day. So maybe the next day with Legos, if it's Lego time, you tell them, um, that the Legos should be a mall today. There needs to be at least 2 stores where someone could buy clothes. Like you're just creating variations. Now the best part of this is that we can teach kids how to eventually do this for themselves. We are not the entertainers. We can teach kids how to do this, and they're honestly usually much more creative than we are about the variations.

I find when I do this with kids, 100%, and sometimes they even have a friend over and tell me they're bored. Yeah, and I was so excited yesterday. I walked by Lily and her friend and they had created this whole store and they were playing store, and I was like, yes, exactly. Exactly.

And now that you know they like store, that's a great one, and you can start to change it. Oh, you yesterday you did a store, today do a restaurant. And the rest— and one of the things I love about variations is if you can put in there like a little bit extra, not just do a restaurant, but the restaurant should be Italian and I need at least one pasta dish, but the rest can be up to you. So it's like just tweaking it a little bit. They're like, oh, and then they— all these ideas come in because I'm all about the creativity and the ideas. It's just sometimes they need a little help.

Awesome advice. I love it. I love the word variation. I'm going to hold on to that word this summer. So you touched on kids fighting more. They're together more.

Yeah.

So they're definitely like— my girls are definitely fighting more.

Yeah.

Talk about decreasing sibling conflict.

Yes. So I will tell you that one of the main reasons they fight is because they're bored. So we kind of nip that one in the bud. We've got the boredom piece. The other thing is that, um, because they're together more, there are things about them that are going to annoy each other. Yes, they're going to do things. They're good. Like, we're not meant to be with people all the time, especially people we didn't choose. Like, they didn't choose to be together. We chose our spouses, and sometimes we don't want to be with them. So, so one of the other tips I have, and I have lots and lots and lots, this is just the first one that comes to mind, is a sibling yuck dump, where you basically separate— you do this separate, you're not doing this in front of the sibling— but you actually say to them, um, what's been annoying you about your brother or sister at this point so they actually can release some of these feelings and they get it out. Because what happens is these feelings— I call, you know, Rebecca, I call a yuck. Yuck is basically a term I use to describe anything uncomfortable. So yuck dump is where they're actually allowed to talk about the stuff that's built up all day. Well, she keeps stealing my stuff. She keeps making noises. She or he keeps— they have to get that out. Otherwise it sits inside of them. And the next day when their brother or sister tries to take something, they have all this yuck inside and now they're even more rude and it just accumulates. So yuck dump is where you say what makes it hard or what's been going on. And then you can also turn that into action. What do you want to do next time this happens? So they actually have a plan. So again, two reasons that kids fight a lot: they're bored and they have a lot of yuck. And those are some ways to alleviate that.

Love it. I love it. I love when my older daughter is like, you need to— and I'm like, do not tell me. I don't care.

Exactly. Don't tell me what I need to do to your sibling. Yeah, exactly. But that is what they do.

Yep. Oh my gosh.

We can turn that around now to, okay, what are you going to do about it? I'm not going to do anything. What are you going to do about it?

I love that. I love that. I'm going to use that, I'm sure, later today. Good.

Good catch.

I don't have as much time for myself. I don't know about you, but I'm used to drop them at school, have the day to work, pick them up. You know what I'm saying? I'm used to like the hours. So I don't have that over the summer, and I know a lot of parents don't. How can we improve how we're coping with that and dealing with that?

Such an important question, because guess what? I don't have time either, and we need it. I don't naturally have time. We have to make time. So how do we do this? That's where structure comes in. The more consistent you are with, okay, this is the time that mom takes an hour to herself You know, depending on the age of your kids, obviously there may need to be another caregiver, or if you're in the house, if they're older, this is the time when I do that. The more predictable it is because you have some structure, the less your kids will actually fight you. And that's where variations come in too. I'm gonna go take an hour. Here's what you can work on, or you ask them what they're gonna work on. And then, um, the thing about boundaries like this is we have to be consistent and we have to know that in the beginning they're going to push the boundary. You're gonna say, this is the time when I'm gonna do stuff for myself, and they're gonna come in. 5, 6, 7 times. The more consistent you are in the response, and in fact, tell them what you're gonna do when you come in. I'm not gonna say a word. I'm just going to put you back wherever you're gonna be. If that's how you deal with it, there are lots of ways to deal with resistance, but just do the same thing over and over. And eventually their brains learn, learn it's not worth it cuz they're gonna be cons— they're, they're just gonna follow through with what they say. I always say one of the best discipline, the best and most underused discipline tools is consistency. When we follow through and kids know we mean what we say, they start to listen. The problem is we're tired, so we're not consistent. So this is how we get that time to be less tired.

I love that you understand walk the walk. Like, you know, as a parent, you know, even when you and I know what to do, don't you sometimes— like, sometimes I'm like, I'm so tired, even though I know what I need to do.

Sometimes? Are you kidding? There are times when I'm like looking at myself from above and I'm like, Rachel, don't Don't do that. You know, you just did a workshop on this. Don't do that. And I do it anyway because I'm tired.

And it frustrates— it frustrates my husband. We laugh about it because, I mean, he's like, you know that you would never tell me, right? I know, but I'm tired.

Exactly. And this is why it's so unfortunate, but it is so up to us to set the boundaries to be less tired. And we can't always rely on school to give those boundaries. Like, we have to be— and, and if, if someone is listening like, oh my gosh, how do I do this? I am so tired. Start with one boundary. That's actually how I work with families I work with. You pick one thing that you can enforce. And the good news is when you've done this like once or twice and you start to bring in other boundaries about other things, like you have to pick up your towel off the floor or put your shoes away, once you've been consistent with one or two things, your influence increases tremendously and they actually listen more. So if you need to start with a boundary for your time to get less tired to do all this, just start with that.

Well, and it's, and it's my fault. You're gonna laugh at this, but You know, in the summer I go to bed later, even though I have to still get up, I'm going to bed late. And, you know, my next question was around, you know, they're not in as regular a routine and it leads to more meltdowns. So you're, so what you're going to say is kids still need their routine in the summer.

100%. They still need the routine. Yeah. It's so important for their, I mean, I'm not a physician, but I know that it is important for them biologically. It's important for them. This is where I am an expert emotionally and behavior-wise. They will do so much better if there's this routine. So make once a week where they stay up later. Once on Saturdays they stay up later, but the rest of the week they need— it needs to be predictable and as routine as possible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It makes a lot of sense because Lily's behavior goes downhill and I'm like, she's tired, she's hungry. Like, you know why she's acting how she's acting.

Exactly. And I always say that biological yuck, which is what you're describing, tired and hungry, is like the worst type of yuck. 'Cause they're not— there's not that much you can do besides feed them, and if you wait too long, they won't even eat. So it's like, and then sleep, and if you wait too long for sleep, they won't sleep. So that's why routine is so important. And it doesn't have to be like, um, you know, an uptight routine, but there does have to be some structure.

Makes sense. And, and everyone's talking about summer vacations.

Yeah. Yes.

Okay. And we know as mothers that you have this vision and it doesn't always come out as you expect it to— it doesn't always play out how we expect it to play out. So can you give us a tip to have a success— a more successful vacation?

Yes, I actually just did a podcast episode on vacations. I, I— since we spoke, I started to like niche in raising kids with big emotions. So I now— I did an episode on, especially if you have kids who have big reactions when you do set boundaries and things like that. Those are the kids I work with now, or the parents I work with now. Um, so I did this related. So tips for vacation, I would say Set expectations realistically. First of all, vacations with kids, until they get a little older, they're not vacations, they're trips. They're just not— we're not going to relax unless you set aside time and get a caregiver. They're just trips. So set realistic expectations because it's amazing the power of expectations on our brain. If we expect it to go well and it doesn't, we freak out. If we don't expect it to go well and it doesn't, it's like we can handle it. And then also think about what your child needs. And in my episode, I kind of talked a little bit about what they need. They still need that routine. They need some anchors that actually remind them of home, whether that is we're sort of eating around the same time, or they do need some consistency. Um, and then depending on your child, what is it specifically that's triggered them in the past? And that's going to play out on vacation, so you kind of want to think about that. So those are some just quick tips.

No, those are great. Those are great tips because I know we, we do have to— it's, it's all our expectation because we think that the 'Oh, this vacation's gonna be amazing.' And what does amazing actually look like with kids?

Exactly, exactly. That's so true. And it does get better. I have older kids now and it gets so much better. My kids are almost 10 and 12 and we just took a vacation. Oh my gosh, night and day. But you still have to have— I still went into it saying, well, we could have some issues, but as they get older it really gets better. But young kids, yeah, I know, I know.

Well, and I was gonna say, I know you focus on Big Emotion Kids, which is perfect for all of us dealing with a big emotion child. And I know this is such a loaded question because you have 50 million tips, but can you give us one of your favorite big emotion kid tips?

Yes, my favorite is probably to stop seeing big emotions as a threat. Basically what happens when a child has a big emotion, big reaction, and when I define big emotion, it could also be that they're quiet about it. Maybe they shut down. They're not always loud about it. They shut down. Big emotions to me just means they feel strongly. What happens is when a child feels something strongly, they have a big emotion, they're dysregulated. They need help reregulating. If we see them as a threat, then we're dysregulated and our dysregulation makes theirs worse. So a big part of what I teach is they're dysregulated, we can handle it. And we need to tell our brains we can handle it. And I teach the tips to handle it, of course. But when we actually stop seeing it as a threat, they actually get out of it much more quickly, which is ultimately our goal is to help them regulate more quickly. And it's just really how we perceive. Again, there's this expectation and perception. Because that's what our brain listens to, is our perceptions and expectations. When we perceive it differently, everything changes. So it's a very high-level tip, but it's— when you can do that, it's just a big shift.

Well, and you helped me because, you know, I listen to you all the time, so I, I feel like we all need repetition. Even though we know something, we need to hear it over and over and over.

Amen, sister.

Right. And, and just you telling me she's having a hard time, like, I find myself going She's having a hard time. She's just having a hard time. So I'm talking to myself as it's happening.

Absolutely. And one of the most popular mantras that I don't even think I made this one up, I think I heard it from someone else, is they're having a problem, not being a problem. And I know so many parents who repeat that. They're having a problem, not being a problem. It's so helpful because that reduces the threat.

Yes. I love that so much. And I love that you talk about, okay, so you have one child who has like the outbursts. Outburst, and you have one child who's like crying and sensitive. So there's so many different ways. So how are we handling it different with an outburst versus like a super sensitive child?

Like, as an example, we're actually not. That's the good news, because I have two big emotion kids and they show it the opposite ways. One's loud, one's quiet, and you don't handle it differently. You just, I mean, you may say different things to them, but it's not that much different. It's still all about regulation. They both need you to just not get sucked into their black hole of emotions, which is what most of us do. We get sucked right in.

Oh my gosh, it took me a long time to figure that out, that I was spiraling with her.

Mm-hmm, exactly right.

Well, and I love— one of my favorite things is when you talk about flexible thinking, okay? Because I would label one of my daughters at controlling and not so flexible.

Right.

You know, and I love her dearly. She might listen to this. I love you dearly. And I also want to teach her more flexible thinking.

Yes.

So can you give us a tip to increase flexible thinking?

Yes. I just did an episode on this as well. And, and I love teaching flexible thinking and problem-solving skills, which is related, because it's fun. So here's a way to teach flexible thinking. It's a game called Fortunately/Unfortunately, which some people may actually have heard of before. So it's basically, I recommend playing it if you can with 3 or more people, 'cause you're here, you'll hear why in a moment. But you basically take any scenario in the world, limitless. So something like a cat was in the tree. I just made that up off the top of my head. Fortunately, there was a firefighter right nearby. You, so you start with that sentence. The next person goes to unfortunately. Unfortunately, the firefighter didn't have a ladder. The next person says, fortunately, there was another truck nearby that had a ladder. Unfortunately. So you're going around and shifting every sentence. The reason you want 3 people is if you only have 2, obviously, that you're always doing the same one. But what that does is it starts to teach the brain that things can shift and be different than the initial way we see it. That's just one way we can teach flexible thinking. I have like 10 different games like that, but it can be so fun and engaging for kids so they actually do it.

It's— you talk about it as a muscle and people don't realize— I find it so fascinating that people will work out and know that they have to do their arm muscles over and over and over, but they don't know that they need to do their brain muscles over and over. And it's like the same thing, right? We need to practice.

Yes. And it is all about the muscle. Absolutely. What it is really in the brain is a neural connection that gets strengthened. It's the same thing though. And what's interesting is if you don't strengthen that neural connection, then the inflexibility gets strengthened.

Mm-hmm.

So one neural pathway is getting strengthened, one or the other. So they're either strengthening their inflexibility or they're strengthening their flexibility. And obviously as a, as a parent, I want my kids, and I have a controlling one too, to strengthen that. So yeah, Yeah, you do want to think of it as a muscle. And even more, you want to think of it as if you don't do this, the other muscle's getting stronger. And that's not meant to put any guilt on anybody because we can only work on one thing at a time. But when you're ready to work on flexible thinking, that can be a motivator.

That's great. I'm going to play that with her today because she loves games. See, and when we make it games, like even math, you know, she doesn't love math, but when her math teacher plays games with her, she's all about it.

This goes back to what I was saying earlier that they need a certain level of engagement. And if we can incorporate engagement, which games are, then it's amazing how you motivate better behavior. Absolutely. It's, it's because you're working with their brains. That's how their brains work. They need engagement.

Such good advice. Well, and I'm not thinking about back to school, but some people are going back to school soon.

Yeah.

We're after Labor Day. Some people are like much sooner than that.

Yeah.

So can you give us one back to school tip to make it go smoother?

Yeah, definitely. The more a child is exposed to the what they're— what's on the other side, the better. So if they're going, especially if they're going to a new school or have a new teacher, which I guess everybody does, going online and looking up the teacher, seeing their face, reading a little bit about them, or going into the school, that can reduce a lot of anxiety of going back to school. And then if I could share one more about back to school— you asked for one, but I'm going to give one more.

Yes, please.

If a family doesn't have structure yet, although hopefully after this they will, start early with the structure. Like, let's say you say, Rachel, I don't want to listen to you, I don't want structure. Do start at least 2 weeks out, because a lot of the times we wait till the very end, and then the first week of weeks of school, they're exhausted and miserable. So again, the transition has helped if they have exposure to what they're going to, and if you start a little bit earlier with the transition than you think.

Darn it. No, I know, I know you're right. I know this in my head.

If there's resistance, I will just say, um, because I get a lot of resistance in a lot of areas, just think about what the resistance is, and we can still build in part of who you are and your funness and your spontaneity even within what the kids need. Because I never want to take away— your spark is what makes you amazing. That's what I love about you. We don't want to take that away, so we just build it in.

Thank you, I appreciate that. Well, and you know, I could ask you questions all day and talk to you all day, but is there anything else that you feel is super important to share before we wrap up?

I guess what I would say is we all doubt ourselves as parents. If you're even listening to your podcast, if you're listening, if you're doing anything, that in itself makes you a good parent. Just stop putting so much pressure on yourself. That would probably be the last thing I'd say. No one does this perfectly. I talk about my flaws all the time. You don't need to do this so well. You just need to be, you know, trying your best. That's all kids need to see.

That's wonderful. That is wonderful advice. You and I are moms. We know that even though we're, we're a wealth of knowledge, some Sometimes we're like, ah!

Exactly. That's exactly how I would describe it. Sometimes we're like, ah!

Yep. And we love our children dearly.

And our children turn out fine. They really, really do. Even with those moments, they really do.

Oh my God. I agree with you. And tell everyone like what you offer and where they can find you.

So the best place is probably my podcast, which is Your Parenting Long Game. You can find that anywhere. I have a Facebook group that goes along with it, Your Parenting Long Game Facebook group. And then I do have programs for supporting parents of children with big emotions. I have a free video series which I can give to you, and actually I just turned it into a podcast too, so you can listen to it. I'll give you the link to that, and it'll really help you see, do I have a child with big emotions and why maybe what I've tried isn't working so far.

Well, I can't thank you enough. I listen to your podcast all the time. You help me all the time. We all need support. Go find Rachel. She's amazing. She's such a wealth of knowledge, and I can't thank you enough for your time today.

I appreciate you having me here.

Truly, thank you. This is Rebecca Green reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

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