Episode 188 Supporting Families of Children with a Medical Condition
In this episode of the Whiny Palooza podcast, host Rebecca Greene (a licensed clinical social worker and mother of three) interviews parent coach and licensed professional counselor Rhonda Thorington. Rhonda explains why she added parent coaching to her practice, distinguishing it from traditional therapy, and describes her niche of helping families whose children receive life‑changing medical diagnoses. She shares her personal catalyst—a rare autoimmune disease diagnosed in her own daughter—and how that experience shaped her approach. The conversation covers practical steps for families newly receiving a diagnosis (breathing, grieving, planning), strategies for empowerment and creating a "new normal," and detailed advocacy tactics such as knowing educational and medical rights, leveraging the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA), and securing services like home tutoring. Rhonda discusses common challenges parents face (overwhelm, time management, couple dynamics, workplace flexibility) and offers guidance on navigating schools, medical providers, and insurance. She emphasizes the importance of parents seeing themselves as experts on their child, partnering rather than confronting professionals, and using community resources (online support groups, social media, local groups). The episode also promotes an upcoming Zoom workshop (Nov 17) that outlines how to find providers, manage insurance, and maintain family life, and introduces Rhonda’s FOCUS coaching framework (Facts, Organization, Care, Understanding, Support). Contact information for Rhonda’s coaching services is provided, and the episode closes with standard podcast sign‑off.
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No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Green.
Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.
Hello everyone. This is Rebecca Green for the Whining Palooza podcast, and I am so excited today. I have Rhonda Thorington here with us today. Hi, Rhonda. Hi, thank you so much for doing this with me today.
Thank you for having me.
I want to tell you a little bit about fabulous Rhonda. She is a licensed professional counselor with over 20 years of experience providing mental health treatment to children, families, and adults in various roles and settings. She began her career providing case management services to families impacted by HIV/AIDS in Baltimore, Maryland. After returning to her home state of Connecticut, she spent several years working as a clinical therapist in a residential treatment facility for youth and then expanded her role to include that of clinical director of the facility's crisis stabilization program. She currently runs a private practice in Northern Connecticut, which specializes in the treatment of children and families. Her passion is working with families impacted by life-changing medical diagnoses. Her most important and fulfilling role is that of a wife and mom to 3 beautiful teenage children. They provide her with endless laughs, a few gray hairs, and with whom life is never dull, which I totally completely understand. Our children make it so that we are never bored, right?
Right, exactly.
Oh my God, and I second the gray hairs that our children give us, our wonderful children.
Yes, gray hairs that I color.
Me too, me too. So I want to start with what inspired you to become a parenting coach?
Oh, that's a great question. So I decided to incorporate parent coaching into my practice because so many times parents would come to me, I'd be— I would treat their children but they would come to me with questions that had nothing to do with their child's diagnosis. It was more around, okay, how do I potty train Johnny? Or, you know, I can't get him to listen. What are— so what, what should I do to get them to listen? You know, so things like that. And I thought, huh, that was much more directive. Uh, so I said, okay, this coaching thing, there's a need for it. Yeah. And it was, I found that I was very passionate about it. So, so that's why I decided to incorporate it into what I was doing. I love that.
And I wanna learn about this. You, you tell us that, okay, so being a parent coach is different from therapy. Can you explain that to us?
Yeah. Yes. So therapy is more around like looking at the past.
Mm-hmm.
And figuring out, okay, how did we get to where we are today? Like what, what were the family dynamics that contributed to this? What were, you know, you know, the, the historical traumas that contributed to where we are. And therapy is less directive than coaching. So when you look at coaching, coaching is more around, okay, this is where we are, this is the goal that we wanna get to. What's the blueprint? What's the steps that we need to follow to get to that goal? So I find in coaching I get to be more directive, whereas in therapy it's much more reflective and the client figures out the path that they wanna take. But in coaching I say, okay, do this, this, this, and this, and that will get you to your goal.
Very interesting. I love how you explained that. 'Cause you see family therapists and you see family coaches and, you know, so that's good to explain to us. But you have a particular specialty that you like to focus on with families. Can you tell us about that?
Yes. So I work with families that have been impacted by a life-changing medical diagnosis of one of their children. So that is such a— it's— I find it's a niche within a niche, right? Because there aren't folks out there to really help families that deal with these very specific challenges. So that's what I'm really passionate about.
That is— it's so interesting to me. I have interviewed— so many therapists, and you know, this is the first time that this has ever come up.
Wow.
And I have done no— I have done zero research, so don't quote me on this, but I do think it's very rare and very needed.
Yes, I would agree. I absolutely would agree. Uh, you know, when in researching this myself, looking for providers that provide this kind of help to families, I wasn't able to find people. I was able to find coaches that work with caregivers for aging adults. Wasn't really able to find coaches that work with families impacted by their child's medical diagnosis.
Yeah, much more challenging. Well, and you had your own personal challenge that led you to this work. Can you tell us about that?
Yes, yes. So 11 years ago, my second child— I have 3, so my daughter, my second child, She was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease at the age of 4 and a half. She got sick and immediately overnight our lives changed. The whole trajectory of our family changed. My career path changed. Um, and I needed to figure out systems and strategies to help get us back on track. Cuz for many years we were just operating in crisis mode. But not really living. So, so hard.
It's so hard to navigate. Well, and we know, you and I know, that managing children without a medical issue is hard enough. Okay, so let's add in the medical issue. How do you help your clients to manage that?
So what I do with my clients is I really help empower them because the The first thing, after the shock wears off, after you've kind of settled into the place where, OK, this is our life now, I work with parents to help empower them to develop strategies, to develop systems so that they can find their own new normal. Because I think— well, I'll speak for myself. What happened to us when we got this medical diagnosis that we were not in a million years thought we'd ever have. Uh, we thought, you know, life was like over. We're never going to be able to do family stuff. Our life is going to be, you know, dictated by this diagnosis. This diagnosis is going to drive everything we do. And all of the plans that we had, all of the stuff that we wanted to do, we could no longer do. So I help parents to see that, yes, you can still have a family. You can still have family life. You just gotta be a little creative in how you go about it and work on ways to develop your new normal, because maybe you're not like the Joneses who live down the street, but you're still going to be able to do all of the things, or most of the things, that the Joneses can do. You just got to get a little creative with it.
That's interesting. Well, and I know It's got to be so shocking to get the diagnosis. So can you give us some advice to a family who just received a medical diagnosis for their child?
Yes, definitely. It's a great question. First, breathe. Breathe.
We forget that.
Yes, yes, we do. We do. Because I find, you know, either we're like, okay, we got to go into immediate fix-it mode. Or we're paralyzed.
Yes.
So, you know, I— what I would suggest to families is, you know, allow yourself some time to just absorb the information you've been given, the news you've been told, and then look at, okay, how do we move forward? And really look at, okay, what do I need to put into place? Who do I need to get help from? What supports do I need? In order to move forward. But first and foremost, breathe. And you also have to allow yourself some time to grieve. You know, I think that, you know, sometimes we as parents— and I'll speak, you know, for myself— even giving myself permission to grieve the life that I no longer had, it brought about a huge sense of guilt, you know, because it's like, okay, who am I? How Why is it okay for me to grieve? My daughter's still here. She's still breathing. She's still functioning. I don't have a right to be sad. So, so, you know, so I give parents, you know, I would encourage them, give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling.
So, and I would guess that some parents jump into action steps and some parents take a lot longer to process it.
Yes, yes, definitely.
Because we're all, we're all so different in how we process things. Yes, I know. My husband tends to jump and be ready to move, and I'm like, I'm not there yet. Yeah.
And in my house, it's just the opposite. I'm the one who jumps and moves, and my husband's like, okay, wait, we gotta think about this.
I, you know what, I, I would be very curious to talk to couples. I bet you that is similar in a lot of homes. One of us needs more time.
Yes. And we balance each other.
Yes. Oh my gosh. It's so true. It's so true. He does get me moving eventually.
Yeah.
So I think that one of the biggest things to learn is to learn to be a good advocate for your kid.
Absolutely. Right?
So how can parents learn to be a good advocate? Because it's not easy.
Agreed, agreed. First off, knowledge is power. So when you are seeking to advocate for your child, first you want to know your rights. You know, what are your rights as— you know, what are your child's rights educationally? What are your child's rights medically? You know, arm yourself with knowledge. So especially, you know, I always advise parents if they're going into the school system to advocate for their children, make sure you look at those special education regulations for your state and also nationally. Because when you're going in to advocate, you need to know what you're entitled to. So I'll tell you a quick story. My daughter, from 2nd and a half grade to 5th grade, she was homebound. And I didn't, at the time, because I'm managing like all her medical stuff. I didn't realize that educationally, if she had missed 10 consecutive days of school, that she was entitled to a tutor to come into the home to tutor her. I didn't know that. But once I educated myself around that, I went to the school and I said, you know, my daughter needs a tutor. And when they responded and said, oh well, we don't know if we can get a tutor, I was like, no, no, no, no. That's what she's entitled to. So I don't want to hear if, I want to know when. When will she get a tutor? And once I put it to them that way, within a couple weeks she had a tutor. We had a tutor in our home for 10 hours a week.
Wow.
Yeah, yeah. So one, but it's that piece of educating yourself, getting the knowledge to know what you're entitled to.
Well, and I like that example because you had to push a little bit and people, right? And people don't always realize they need to do that.
Right, right. They don't realize they need to do that, and they don't realize that it's okay to do that.
Yes, yes. Well, and also, I wonder if people are waiting for the school, and we can't wait for the school, right?
Right. You can't wait for the school. You can't wait for the medical provider. You know, sometimes you have to push your medical provider to do the things for your child that need to be done. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's so true. Oh my gosh, the amount of phone calls that parents need to make, right?
Yes, exactly, exactly.
Well, so speaking of advocating, lots of challenges come up. Can we talk about some of the challenges that you're seeing people face when they're trying to advocate for their kids?
Well, I think, you know, just like we just spoke about, pushback, you know, from other, you know, when you're advocating, receiving a lot of pushback. You know, I think, you know, this might be, I would say sometimes a level of intimidation when you're seeking to advocate for your child. You know, the whole piece of we're the professionals, we know what's best, you just need to just sit back and relax. That kind of mentality. And what I always encourage parents, I remind them of, is that they are the most valuable member of their child's treatment team.
Mm, I love that.
Yeah, yeah. They know, they're the expert in all things having to do with their child. Your medical provider might be an expert in their child's condition. The school might be an expert in their child's education, but you are the expert in your child. So, so remember that. And I find when parents can go into meetings with that level, reminding themselves of that, that level of awareness, it can bring a degree of confidence when they are advocating for their children.
Yes, because I think parents get very intimidated.
Yes.
I mean, you'll go to a, you'll go to a school meeting or a medical meeting and there'll be people there And it's, you know, and it's, it can be an intimidating table to sit at.
Right, right. And that, that's one of my biggest pet peeves with some of these meetings is that the profession, they've all gotten together and met about you before you've even arrived.
I know, I know.
Yeah, you walk into the room and they already have, you know, their conclusions drawn. And that's, that's so frustrating to me. Um, so one of the other things I suggest to parents is bring someone with you. You know, whether it's, you know, a friend, whether it's, you know, a professional advocate, because there are professional educational advocates, there are professional medical advocates. Bring someone with you so that they can kind of speak up.
Yes.
You get tongue-tied when you get silenced, when you feel intimidated.
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Do you feel like there is a way I'm trying to figure out my question because I have seen parents be effective in their communication with school and I have seen them be ineffective. Do you find that there are more effective ways to talk to the school?
Absolutely, absolutely. Partnering with the school.
Yes.
Yeah. How can I augment what you're doing with my child in the classroom? How can we work together so that my child gets the education that they're entitled to? So instead of coming at them in an adversarial way. So yeah, yeah, you definitely want to partner.
Yeah.
And, you know, say, I've, you know, I've said this myself. I've encouraged my parents to say this in a meeting. Say, I want to work with you. Let's work together. So here's this challenge. How can we provide a solution to that?
That is such good advice, even with doctors, even with doctors, because sometimes, you know, they're the experts, but I'm not going to tell you I've never disagreed with a doctor.
Right, right, exactly, right.
Yeah, so there's so many resources for parents to use. How can we, um, how can they find all the resources for themselves in the community?
So what I encourage parents to do is do a Google search, a good old-fashioned Google search. How can I find resources for parents of children with asthma? How can I find resources for parents of children with lupus? And see what comes up. You know, it's— if it's one good thing that has come out of the pandemic is that we are so much more adept at utilizing virtual, virtual connections and resources. You know, there are so many virtual support groups. There are parenting Facebook groups. You know, go on Facebook, go on, you know, Instagram, and do a search. And you can come— and what will come up is so many different groups of parents who meet together about specific parenting needs and issues. Yeah, so I would encourage— yeah, utilize that. The other thing that I would encourage parents to do is to talk to their provider. So if you are meeting with a specialist, ask them, are there support groups for families that have these same kinds of struggles? Are there support groups for kids who have these kinds of struggles? Now I, I will say, with, um, the kind of issues that we had in our family, it It was so rare it didn't exist. So what I had to do is utilize support groups that were kind of similar, but not exactly the same, and utilized things from those groups in our family.
That's wonderful advice. And we are so lucky that there's so much online now. Yes. Our parents didn't have that luxury.
No.
No. Yeah, no, we're very lucky. Now, you see so many parents. What kind of trends do you see with what they're struggling with?
So typically I see parents who are very overwhelmed, uh, and just not knowing where to start, uh, with their child's medical condition because there's so, there's so much that has to be attended to.
Yeah.
And they're so worried about dropping the ball in, in various areas. So just really feeling overwhelmed and coming to me wanting a blueprint. Help me, tell me what to do. What do I need to focus on? Um, so yeah, so that, that's, that's the biggest trend. Um, and also, you know, finding, figuring out time as a couple, you know, for the parents, and also figuring out family time. Like, how do you figure out normalcy when you're in a constant state of like crisis stabilization?
And I find that hard enough in my own family. You know, I'm talking to you thinking, hmm, when's the last date with my husband?
Yeah, exactly. Oops. Yep, yep.
We're doing our best.
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Well, and I can imagine if your child has a medical diagnosis, you're going to need a flexible boss who lets you take time off for appointments and, you know, doctor visits, whatever schedule challenges you have. So how can they work with their employers with this?
So what I always encourage parents to do is to be transparent. Be transparent with your employer. I like that. Because here's the other thing that tends to happen when we have a child with a life-changing medical condition is we tend to be kind of secretive about it. You know, there is, for whatever reason, there tends to be shame around many illnesses. And, you know, could it be, you know, the parental guilt? Like, did I not do enough? You know, am I not— did I miss something early on? And is this why this is happening to my child? But we just, we just don't talk about it. So I encourage parents to be transparent with their employer. Let your employer know what's going on. Communicate early, communicate often. And, you know, talk to your HR departments, you know, see what is available to you. I also encourage parents to utilize FMLA. So FMLA is the Family Medical Leave Act. And what that does is it provides protections for you as an employee. So if you are missing work because your child has, you know, therapy appointments, or, you know, dialysis, or, you know, some kind of regular appointment, you can take off work for that. You know, I will have— a lot of people don't have a real clear understanding of what FMLA does, because I'll have parents that come to me and they'll say, I have plenty of vacation and sick time, I'll just use that. And I'm like, okay, I— okay, however, right, your employer, unless you let your employer know what's going on, and unless you utilize FMLA, they could come to you and say you're using time excessively. So, and then you're getting disciplined, or God forbid, you're getting terminated. So I tell people, always utilize FMLA. The other misconception about FMLA is that people think, well, FMLA is when you're out for weeks and months at a time. And I tell people, no, you can take intermittent FMLA. So if you have to take a couple of hours every Tuesday because your child has to have dialysis, you can do that. You just take 2 hours off of your time and then your job is protected.
That is so good for people to know, and I guarantee people don't know that. Guarantee it. Well, so we know parents have lots of struggles. What are you seeing the kids struggling with?
Wow, you know, the biggest thing that I see kids struggle with is feeling like they're all alone. You know, they're the only ones that have to deal with this particular circumstance. You know, they're the only ones that have to deal with this situation. And I always normalize it for kids, you know, that, you know, you're not the only one. You know, I have seen lots of boys and girls whose, you know, bodies misbehave.
Yeah, yeah.
Medicine so that, you know, their bodies will listen and behave better. So you're not the only one. You're not the only one that has to miss lots of school. So, so I always normalize it for them. The other thing that kids often struggle with is they don't always understand that it's okay to be mad at the illness.
Oh yeah.
So yeah, so I will spend, you know, a lot of time, you know, in my office, you know, particularly with the— when I'm doing therapy with kids that have medical conditions, we spend a lot of time in my office kind of personalizing the illness and then kind of sharing feelings about it. So they may draw a picture of what they think the illness looks like, and they may yell at it. Or they may scribble on it, or they may tear it up, or they may punch it because, you know, they need to, they need to know that it's okay to feel what they're feeling about the condition.
That's so good. It's so true. I can only imagine how these kiddos feel.
Yeah.
And they have to adjust to such a new normal, right? It's so new for them. So how do you help them adjust to their new normal?
So I always, when I'm working with families, I help them to figure out life in spite of the condition. So live your life in spite of, not because of.
Oh, I like that.
Yeah, yeah. So capitalize on, you know, for a child, capitalize on their strengths. Don't focus on the weaknesses or deficits. So I'll share with you for my daughter, you know, she had, you know, from grades 2 to 5, she was homebound. You know, her brother and sister were going to school, living their best kid life, and she was laying on the couch all day because she was too weak to do much of anything else. And so what she did is one day she picked up her tablet and went on YouTube and looked up drawing videos. And so she started to do art and taught herself how to draw. And so from that, you know, she is, you know, became a phenomenal artist. That actually back here is one of her, her earlier pictures.
That's gorgeous. I was wondering about that.
Yeah, she did that. I think she's 16 now, and she did that, I think, when she was 12 or 13.
Wow! She's talented.
Yeah, she's very talented. But, you know, so we focused on that. So we encouraged her to draw. She loved music. So we had her take piano lessons, even though she couldn't participate in school. I found a piano teacher that could— was willing to do lessons for her in the middle of the school day. She was 25 minutes away, but I drove her the 25 minutes. She did her lesson. And so she started focusing on music as well. So focusing on the strengths. Not on the deficits, and not letting the deficits become their identity. Exactly, exactly. So, so a lot of it is around— is also around, okay, troubleshooting. Okay, this is what you got, these are the cards you've been dealt, it sucks, but how you gonna work around it? So, okay, you get headaches when you read for too long, so let's break it up into smaller chunks. How are you going to figure out how to live in spite of what you've been dealt?
Such good advice. And it's got to be so hard for these kids to tell their friends about it.
Yes.
So can we talk about how to tell your friends and worrying about them treating you differently?
I think, you know, that looks different depending on your age.
Oh, absolutely.
So I think, you In general, it's around you're very matter of fact and then you move on from it. So you don't allow it to be a focus with your friends. Not being secretive about it, not feeling ashamed of it. But let's say you missed a bunch of days of school and you go back, oh, where were you? Oh, I was sick, but I'm feeling okay now. Tell me, what did I miss while I was gone?
Love it.
You know, something like that. If kids are really young, like, As a parent, you might need to step in. Like, one of the things I, you know, advise parents if their children has missed like big chunks of school, sometimes it may be helpful if you talk to the teacher and see if you can go in. Go into the school when your child returns and explain what's going on. Because I know for my daughter, she was away for so long, you know, kids wondered had she died. Oh. You know, was she going to die? So when she went back to school, I went into the classroom and I said, hey, this is what's going on. You know, her immune system isn't acting right. She's taking a lot of medicine to make it better and to make it behave. And now she's back. So we're gonna, you guys can enjoy her for the days that she's here. So, and that really helped to alleviate some of the anxiety that she felt and also answered a lot of the questions that the kids felt.
So. That is so excellent because if the kids are younger, they're not gonna be able to do that.
Exactly, exactly. Yeah. And so for older kids, what I would explain, um, or what I would encourage families to do is to role play, you know, come up with a script. Okay, you've missed a week of school, you're gonna go back, kids are gonna ask you what's going on, what are you gonna say? So, and have them practice that a little bit, and that helps to empower them. And so they can go back and Absolutely.
Such good advice. And you have a workshop that is coming up. Can you tell us about the workshop and what you're hoping parents are going to get from attending?
Exactly. Thank you for asking that. So my workshop is on November 17th. It's just a 1-hour workshop, um, from 7 to 8 PM, and it's going to be over Zoom. Thank God for Zoom. Um, it's entitled like, so your child Has a Life-Changing Medical Condition, Now What? So this is for families who, you know, they've been given this information and they are in the stage of, oh my goodness, what do I do now? So I'm going to cover things like how do you find a medical provider for your child? Because it may or may not be the one that your PCP recommended. So how do you find the best provider for your child? How do you deal with insurance companies? You know, knowing your rights with insurance companies and how to advocate for your child with the insurance company and how to utilize the resources that insurance companies have, because believe it or not, they do have a lot of beneficial resources, but parents don't know that they exist.
No.
So how to manage family life, you know, because again, like we've been talking about, you know, you can become defined by the illness. So how do you— how can you be a family in spite of what you're going through? So those are the things that I'm going to cover. I'm going to— it's going to be more of an overview and giving you some bullet points, like these are the things to do, these are the things to look for. And yeah, so that's what I want to be able to offer families because I want to offer families um, the things that I wish that I got.
Yes.
When I was— we were in the thick of this, and also the things that other families that I have, um, spoken to, the things that they wish they had, the information that they wish.
It sounds like a wonderful workshop. It's going to be so helpful. We're going to advertise it because—
wonderful.
Um, we, we want people to get the help that they need, so We will put that out. And is there anything else that you want to share that I didn't ask you?
Oh my goodness, I think you've asked everything.
I, I had a lot of questions, didn't I?
But it's wonderful. It's wonderful because you ask things that I wouldn't think that to be asked. So it's wonderful. You know, the only other thing that I would add is if parent, you know, even if you Maybe you don't have a child with a medical condition, but maybe you have a spouse with a medical condition. There are still pieces of the workshop that can be helpful in terms of how to manage family life and dealing with insurance companies and things like that. So yeah, yeah, the only other thing— the other thing that I would add is, you know, I would encourage people to reach out because if, you know, I offer workshops, but I also work with families one-on-one. And, you know, understanding coaching isn't therapy, so it's not covered by insurance, but I utilize a framework that I developed called FOCUS. And FOCUS stands for facts, organization, care, understanding, and support. So we touch, you know, working individually, we will touch upon those areas so that families can reduce the overwhelm and feel more empowered and live their best family life.
Are you seeing families on Zoom to take anyone anywhere?
Yes, yes. Coaching, I can see anyone anywhere.
Okay, that's wonderful.
Yes, yes.
Can you tell everyone where to find you?
Yes, absolutely. So I'm on Instagram, uh, Rhonda Thorington Parent Coach, uh, Facebook, Rhonda Thorington Parent Coach, um, LinkedIn as well, Rhonda Thorington Parent Coach, uh, and my website is rtparentcoach.com.
Wonderful. Well, I can't thank you enough for your valuable time today. This was wonderful.
Oh, thank you so much for having me, and thank you for your platform. This is a valuable platform that you have.
Well, thank you so much. I love putting stuff like this out to families. I, I am— I guarantee you that you and I are going to help people today.
Awesome. That's, that's what it's all about.
That's our goal, right?
Yes, absolutely. Absolutely.
Well, this is Rebecca Green reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you so much, Rhonda.
Thank you.
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