Episode 202: Words of Wisdom from Rabbi Alex with Alex Lazarus-Klein

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green. I don't think I've ever been this excited for a guest before. Um, today I have my fabulous Rabbi Alex Lazarus Pine. Rabbi Alex, thank you so much for doing this with me today.

Oh, I'm so excited too. I've been waiting to get on Winey Palooza, right? Is that what we're on?

Yes, yes. Um, I think it took me a year to gain the strength to ask you because what I told Rabbi Alex is he's so busy that I hated to ask him to do anything else. So I so appreciate this.

Well, I could— I couldn't be more honored. I have a confession to make. For most of the time, I thought it was Winnie Palooza.

Well, our children are whiny, so it's whiny. It's a part— it's a whining party. It's Whiny Palooza. And I have to tell you, it's given me such humor through all the whining with my kids.

Yeah, I know. I love it. Once I got it, I got it. When I first looked at the word, I thought, well, is it winnie the pooh? Then Shira said, no, it's whiny.

That's hysterical. I love it. Well, I'm going to tell you a little bit about Rabbi Alex. He came to Buffalo in the fall of 2008 to serve as the rabbi of Temple Sinai, now called Congregation Shir Shalom. He brings warmth, creativity, and compassion to the role of synagogue rabbi, and so much more, by the way. I'm going to add so much more than that. A trained chaplain and gifted teacher, he is actively engaged in all aspects of communal life, from helping people with their everyday struggles to intricate details of synagogue governance. I cannot believe the extent of what this job entails for the fabulous Rabbi Alex. A 2004 graduate of the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College, he also holds master's and bachelor's degrees from the Jewish Theological Seminary, as well as a bachelor's degree from Columbia University, which I didn't know. Holy moly. Before coming to Buffalo, he served as rabbi of Temple B'nai Abraham in Bordentown, New Jersey, and directed the community partnership program for the Jewish Federation of Greater Philadelphia. He does not want me to read it, but the list of boards that this man has served on, I am blown away. I had no idea. And the ones that he currently— so he currently, um, you said you are always on like 4 boards at once, is that what you told me?

Yes, that's my obligation.

It is amazing, I'm impressed. Um, he currently resides in Amherst with his beautiful wife and 3 fabulous children, and I am honored that I get to know Rabbi Alex, his wonderful wife, and his 3 kids. I am so happy that you joined Congregation Shir Shalom. It has been amazing to have you. He has been integral in my life in so many ways that we will talk about, and I don't think he realizes how much he touches people. I hope you know that, and you know how much you touch families' lives.

I don't know, so much to me, Rebecca. Thank you. I mean, I think I just I try to do the best I can every day and try to, you know, the world can be so difficult. So if I can make someone's life easier, that's what I try to do.

Oh my gosh. Well, you are 100% succeeding. And I really personally want to know what inspired you to become a rabbi.

Sure. Actually, for a long time, I ran away from being a rabbi. I mean, this is my childhood. It was actually in my high school yearbook. The editor of it, Ami Eden. He wrote in our— we have a small school, a small Jewish school in Philadelphia, and he wrote in our future career, he wrote rabbi for me, and I said, no, he's crazy. And then I ended up doing, you know, not having any idea what I wanted to do, and I was teaching in Orlando, and I was not the best teacher. I was at a Jewish day school. I was telling my son Boaz this morning that, yeah, I didn't really have a handle on the discipline. But so I was kind of struggling like you are sometimes, some of us in their early 20s trying to figure out who they are, what they want to do. And it happened that there was a teacher in my afternoon religious school that I was teaching that went on maternity leave, and she put me in charge of leading the youth service. And I actually liked it. And at the same time, we were starting a Jewish middle school there, and I had to present to the parents. I realized, well, I'm kind of passionate about this. And my mom said, why don't you go to rabbinical school? It's in Philadelphia where we're from, and, you know, you can stay at home, and, you know, it seems like where you want to go. I said, I don't know. And I walked into the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College after coming back that June, and I fell in love with it. It just— for, you know, when you find what you love, you just know it, and it's been like that ever since.

Well, that's amazing, and I cannot believe it was in your high school yearbook. I did not know that. That's fantastic.

They knew it even before I knew it, right?

Yes, yes. Sometimes people see what we're destined for. It's not an easy job. I mean, I would love to know what you love most about it and what is most challenging about it.

Honestly, I love everything about being a rabbi, and for me, it's suited to who I am. So I think that that's why I do it, especially being a rabbi in a congregation. You could be a rabbi in different settings, but I love community building. I love being able to be part of people's life cycles, events from all different ages. I love not having to sit in an office all day. I love writing.

Yeah.

And get to do a lot of writing. I love teaching. I love working with kids and seniors. And really, there's not much about my job I don't like because every day, every moment, I can make meaning in someone's life. And that's not something every job can say.

You know, I, you know that we had you at Lily's baby naming. We've had you at Max's bar mitzvah, Ella's bat mitzvah. I mean, I was gonna say our wedding because you mean so much to me, but you weren't at our wedding.

Yeah.

No, just kidding.

You met at Shir Shalom, right?

We did, we did. We met at Tucker. Yeah. Yeah. That, that is really special to us. It's such a special place to us. And you're so integral in all these huge events in people's lives. And I think that having gone through some of them, they're very stressful on families and you're really good at easing people's stress. How do you think you're able to help people be less stressed through these big events?

I think that's my main role, actually. You know, I consider myself a guide, a life cycle guide. That's one of the key roles that I play because it is really stressful. I think, you know, I grew up in a pretty chaotic household. I was the oldest child. I have two younger sisters. And I think my role in my family was to kind of manage the chaos that was going on in our household. So I'm used to being in those kind of spaces. I can't say I don't ever get flustered, but I also, I'm able to kind of usually step back and understand what a family is going through and try to navigate that for them. Try to kind of, in chaplaincy, you're trained to kind of name the emotions, help people name emotions so that they understand what's going on. 'Cause usually whatever the issue is, and we had, you know, for example, with Ella's, and both Ella and Max, you know, were during COVID So we had to navigate a lot of things that were stressful because what you wanted, you couldn't have, like anyone during the pandemic. And it's kind of realizing, trying to help people find what is it they actually want and how can we achieve it? And that part, you know, I feel connected to.

Well, and I want to tell you two huge things that meant the world to me. Um, the first meeting, I think it was for— it was for Max or Ella, it was the first bar/bat mitzvah meeting, and you said to all the families sitting around the table, you said, you have to remove what everyone else expects you to do to ease your stress. You have to remove that because the expectations from everyone else, the, all the extended family and friends, that's where most of the stress comes from. And when you said to us that we have to remove that and just focus on what our family wants, I mean, you took this like huge burden off of me. I mean, that was just amazing advice.

Well, I only gave that advice because that's how I feel, you know, cuz I know in these moments, especially life cycle moments, it's really the stress is trying to navigate the tension between what, let's say, grandparents expect or communities expect, child expect and parents expect. And when those are not always in line with one another, that's where the stress comes from.

Oh my gosh. And Max and Ella wanted something different than what I wanted. And I had to realize that and adjust, you know, lots of adjustments. And the other thing, the day of Ella's bat mitzvah was hysterical. I was getting phone calls that this one was sick, this one was out of town. Like, it was like, ding, my phone kept going off. And you were like, it's okay, I'm here, I'm letting people in, everything's okay. And I was like, okay, this person can't come, this person can't come, and this person can't come, but Rabbi Alex is here, so I'm okay.

That's what we treat— we try to keep perspective. I know during COVID it was very stressful. You know, honestly, I think bar, bar mitzvahs during COVID were more meaningful than I've experienced, but they were also very stressful. So I shouldn't discount that as well.

Well, yeah, and, and you guys had to do a good job of saying like, these are our rules to protect the synagogue, and this is what you can do. And this— I mean, you did not have an easy job through that. That's all I can say.

It's so hard because, you know, the virus, it, you know, people's fear of it and how to manage it, you know, trying to really listen to what's needed and, you know, trying to do— I think what we tried to do as a synagogue community is to do everything that we could when we could, you know, to put limitations but if we could do something, we would do it. And that's— that was kind of our attitude.

Absolutely. You're all very appreciated by so many of us. Um, yes, so there's lots of, um, mothers listening. I think it's mostly mothers who listen. So, um, you know, there's lots of stuff that you counsel people through, um, marriage and grief. Uh, can we talk about like the marriage counseling for a minute and what you think has been helpful to couples, like what you have said, what kind of advice you give for couples to help them get through marital challenges?

Well, it's interesting, actually. I don't get contacted by a lot of couples.

Really?

Well, it's, it's only actually come up a handful of times, and I wish that— I think being in relationship is hard, especially lifetime relationships. And, you know, my role when a couple comes is not necessarily to tell them what to do or they could do better, is to really hear as an outsider, to try to hear what the tension is, help to identify it, and to try to find solutions. And, you know, especially in relationships, it could be so heightened that, you know, people's emotions, because it's so deep and there's so much going on. I do think, you know, my role, it could be— I could be more used in that way. I think that couples don't get the support in general from society. Some people have very strong support systems, but some people have nothing. And I do— I think the community as a whole is a good support. That's how I saw it in the pandemic too. We are a holding place so that if people have a lot of chaos in their outside life, we can be a centering place that maybe will help to center them in their relationships. But we can't fix the whatever problem's going on, but to give them the support that they need.

I love that. And do you feel like that applies to grief too? Because you help people through their grief.

Yeah, grief is probably the number one thing I do. Not just grief about someone that's died. I mean, we, we have an older Jewish community here in Buffalo, so my estimates are I've done about 500 funerals in about a decade and a half, and about maybe 120 b'nai mitzvahs, and, you know, some 70 weddings and 40 baby naming, something like that. So a lot of what I'm dealing with is grief counseling. And that's what I'm trained in as a chaplain. That's the number one thing. Grief is not just about someone who's died. If you lose a job, there's grief. During the pandemic, there's a lot of grief, because you're having to give up things. If you've just had a disappointment, there's grief. There's different levels to that grief. Yeah. But, you know, again, I think that that's really important to acknowledge it, and that's what I'm trained to do, and that's how I feel for my own life and experience. You know, we acknowledge what happened, we allow it to breathe, and we allow people the safety to go through their emotions.

I can't imagine. That's, that's I know I have said to you that would be really hard for me. And it sounds like you, from talking to you, that you enjoy being there for families.

Yes, it's one thing. I mean, I can say, like I was telling my children, you know, because I've done so many funerals, you know, I know how to be with a family. So it's not stressful for me, you know, with the occasion, if there is someone who dies suddenly or a young person. Or someone I'm very close to, obviously it's difficult. I'm grateful usually to have that role, to be in that space, even if it's hard. Yeah, I think Rebecca, you'd be pretty good. You know, you're good with people. You know, I think the key thing that I would learn from chaplaincy that most people have struggled with is you don't need to fix problems. And I think that you're a fixer. So I think that would be, the biggest challenge that you have?

You will. And you know what I learned as a therapist? You think that you have to have these magic answers for people as a therapist, and I quickly realized that's not what they were looking for. They, they had the answers themselves, and they needed my support. They needed me to support them and listen to them and guide them to what they already knew. So I don't have to have the answers. As much as you think I'm a fixer, I'm realizing more and more in life, everybody knows how to fix their problems.

Well, it's better that way. I mean, I think that's the hardest thing since you said there's a lot of parents and mothers listening. The hardest thing with our children is giving them the space to be able to fix their own problems. If your child is crying, crying, you want to go over to them. And sometimes that's appropriate. Sometimes you have to allow them to struggle so that they will know how to face that later in their life.

That, that is something that I am— I'm growing up as a parent. That is what I tell Seth. I am growing up and I'm realizing that. And, and I don't run over and, and fix everything anymore, but it's hard. It's hard as a mother.

Yeah, well, I think you do a wonderful job. I mean, just watching your kids, Max, who, as he goes through his life, he's trying to find his own identity. And when he switched to football, you kind of allowed that to happen. And that's hard. We're having the same thing. My daughter was always into team sports, and now she's into cross-country kind of running sports.

Interesting.

But that's what she wants. That's what she wants to do.

Well, and yeah, and it's about— and I have told Seth, because soccer means so much more to Seth than me, it's about them and not about us and what we want, which is another hard lesson.

Yeah, yeah, it's hard, especially when you enjoy things like it, you're gonna be, you know, being that relationship with soccer.

Yes, yes. Well, and you, like I said, I see how busy you are. Um, Jamie, my friend Jamie and I were just talking about how she sees you at all the sporting events And we were like, I don't know how he does it. He's pre— you're present for your kids, you're present for your synagogue, you're present for your wife. Like how? We all need advice. How are you balancing all of this? Please tell us.

Well, you know, first of all, it doesn't always work, obviously. You know, there's, there's times when competing needs, you know, especially I found during COVID because a lot of our activities went virtual. Like our recording today, that suddenly you might have 5 things going on. And actually, I like that usually. I think I like efficiency. So I always like that if I was going to go to New York City and I wanted to see people, I'd want to see like 10 friends on one day and like boom, boom, boom, line them up. And then I feel really good that I accomplished something. When you have families and, you know, like, we have our standard services. When they were on Zoom, sometimes I'd be doing it in the parking lot, then go— going to the kids' activities. And, you know, it's that— that part, it's sometimes I, I don't like that my head is over here and then I'm also thinking about over there. So it can be very hard.

Yeah.

You know, honestly, I, I think the central advice for myself and I don't always follow it, is just to always pay attention to what's most important. You know, like a lot of rabbis or clergy, they focus on, let's say, their sermon, and they might spend days on it every week. I talked to an evangelical minister and he said, every week it's like a PhD. I said, no, you're doing your job wrong. You can't do that. 'Cause if you're spending that much time doing that, then you're not doing the other things that you really need to do. And I think it's kind of a fine— finding the balance, trusting that it's okay if you're not always prepared. Sometimes that, that's okay. And that's a good lesson for everyone else. You know, your, your role is not to be a superhuman. That's, That's not your— your job is to be a human.

Oh, that is like the best advice. I hope everybody heard what you just said. That is the best advice ever. I think we think we need to be superwomen, super, super mothers, superwomen, super people. We do.

Yeah, moms feel that so much. I know that from, from Ashira, my wife. Just, I feel like the expectations on motherhood today, they, they, they've been doing— they've done studies, you know, like when we were growing up, or let's say our grandparents, they barely raised the kids. The kids just wandered, you know. And when I was growing up, that's how it was. My mom just let us out in the city and we found our friends and, you know, we'd come back. The way that we have to manage everything all the time and the responsibility, you know, the parenting plus working, you know, a lot of working mothers out there work, you working couples, that it's just the stress is when you can't do everything. And I think it's like this expectation that's the hardest thing. You know, some ways our kids will survive without us. You know, it's like they, you know, they will figure things out and you kind of want that. And it's not all our responsibility. To, to do that.

Yeah, no, I mean, my mother is like, you do too much, you do too much. I mean, she didn't do half the things that I do, and she's like, why are you doing so much? And that's really good advice. Do less, do less.

Less is more, right?

Less is more. Well, and I'm curious, I'm going, I'm going to Judaism and then I'm going to your books. Um, I would love to know what— this might be too hard, but what does Judaism mean to you?

Well, you know, it's something that's been a process for me over my life. I said, you know, when they said you're going to be a rabbi, I thought, you know, that's the craziest thing in the world. I think what I feel about my faith, or what you— about Judaism, is this is an incredible gift of thousands of years of learning that has been passed down to me. And I don't feel being a liberal rabbi, in other words, not feeling, you know, what the word of the Torah is exactly from God, but it's a people's endeavor, that, you know, that I have to listen to everything, but to have the wisdom of all those times that people went through and to be able to relay the stories that were written so long before I was born and to create new meaning for them. I mean, that is incredibly meaningful. I think every religious tradition has a history. Judaism in particular, really, you feel the thousands of years, which really goes back to the early days of writing, reading, and you have all of human civilization. I think it's really important also, I try to remind myself, is that I'm not just me. I'm a composite of everyone that came before me, just like my kids will be a composite. When I go out in the world, I am carrying all the wisdom that was learned over those, you know, hundreds, you know, thousands of lives that led to who I am. And I only need to pass the baton from my— from me to the next generation. I don't have to, you know, run the whole race. I'm just a baton runner. And, and that's good. Sometimes in America in particular, we feel like our personal identity, there's so much weight to it, but we're, we're just part of a process. And I think that's really important.

Well, that was a really good answer. I was really wondering what you were going to say to that question. And, you know, I hate to say this. I hate to even bring it up. Unfortunately, there's still hate in the world, which you and I both know. My children have experienced some stuff, and I'm just wondering what advice you have for myself and everyone listening. How can we contribute to less divisiveness and more like kindness and acceptance? And I mean, any advice on that?

Well, I think just going out and being a good person. That's probably the best thing that you could do. You know, we lead by example. It's not by words. And that's good advice for parenting too. So often we want to try to explain things, but our kids pick up much more from our behaviors than anything else.

Oh my gosh, is that so true? So true. I know. Well, I love that. And we definitely try to do that. And I really want to talk about your books. Can we jump into your books? I read Going Above and Beyond. Seth scolded me last night. He read over my questions and he goes, no, there isn't one book. There's two books. So you need to, you need to tell me, cause I only know about one book.

Oh, well, I actually published five books last year.

What? Okay. Okay.

Well, uh, with self-publishing, it's really, you know, I'm, my mind is always active and creative. And I need like an outlet for it. So over the years, I have many ideas of many interests. For example, poetry. So I had over time collected, you know, 100, 120 poems. So I put those together into a couple books. It's helpful to me. I mean, I care about what I wrote about, and it's meaningful to me, but others I think respond to it as well. And just to have it in a book form is very helpful. And then I also write a lot of children's stories. You know, I love telling stories to kids and I learn— it's my way of kind of communicating Jewish values or human values. And so when I think of a story, I'll tell it and I'll retell it and retell it. I wanted to put that together into a book. So I did that as well. And then Seth was amazingly helpful in believing in my project and helping to get probably my most personal book, which is the Going Above and Beyond. It's very personal. A little scary that way.

I read it for a second time and it's really inspiring. Going Above and Beyond. I shouldn't have the thing on. This is from Seth. Going Above and Beyond. Here's the book if you're watching.

I'll give you a natural copy if you want.

This is from Seth. I've read it twice and it's just really inspiring. It just inspires you to do better, to do more. I mean, I don't— I guess when I was reading it, I was like, I don't think about going above and beyond every day. I think I think about survival too much. Survival, getting through the day with my kids versus going above and beyond. Very inspiring.

It's interesting, because Rebecca, I would say that you are a personality that does go above and beyond. I think— let me just translate what I mean by that. So the book is about— it's sort of a business book, which is why Seth was involved. It's a little bit confusing, because it's written by a rabbi. But the basic idea is that if we only base our metrics, how we think about our success, on whether we have exceeded expectations of those that we're serving, then we will win. And the book basically outlines how to do it and what the consequences when you fail someone. And sometimes you are going to fail someone. Like if you're grumpy and you lash out at someone, that stays with them. And you have to kind of make it up. But when you— I found, and I believe this, and that's why I wanted to put it, put this kind of philosophy into writing, is that if you only just focus on the individual interactions and whether you have done what you need to make sure that that person is not only served but served, exceeded their expectations. So I use the example of I went to buy the computer that we're working on, and I went to a couple of the big box stores, and they kind of ignore you, and they push— it's just like you feel like a number when you go in there when you have serious questions. But you find a product. I love the Chromebook. It really changed my life because it opens instantaneously. It does everything that I need. To it, and it's cheap and it works really very effectively. When you have like a product like that, suddenly you feel like it's done what you need. You feel like good about it. You feel good about the whole company. And too often we're not realizing what the most important thing, which is, you know, how we're working with the people and what, what the importance of what we're doing. And in a synagogue, for example, A lot of times they worry about the bottom line. I mean, it's a business ultimately, right? But at the expense of the people we're serving. So often in a b'nei mitzvah experience, bar and bat mitzvah, coming of age at 13 or 12 or 13, you're worrying about kind of like almost like a factory. You go, this is what you need to learn. There's no wiggle room. You go through it, this is what you do, and this is what you're going to achieve. Not we're guiding the family through the process so that they can have this important life cycle event that we are just the conduit for. You know, they wouldn't be coming to us if this wasn't meaningful in their individual and family lives. And we need to show that that is meaningful, accentuate the meaning, and show that we care about that meaning, not that you're coming to the synagogue to support us, but that we're serving you.

It's interesting. I think that my bottom line all throughout the day is everyone to smile, right? So that's my end goal, is that everyone that I interact with through the day, I want them to smile. And I think maybe that's how I interpret it. Like, what can I do to make this person smile? That's in my conscious all day.

Well, that's so important, you know, and that, that is, that is something I think Exceeding Expectations is about, having an emotional response to something.

Yes, yes, yes. That was the perfect explanation. Well, and your book is awesome. Like I said, I read it twice. I need to, I need to pass it on to my parents. They'll love this.

Well, I have plenty of copies. I'll give it to them.

And now I need to read the poetry and the children's because I didn't know— like I said, I got scolded last night. Seth is like, no, he didn't write just one book.

I'm working on a couple other ones. My goal is to try to— it's sort of like a bucket list, you know?

Yes.

So I'm trying to go through my bucket list as much as I can. You know, I have all these projects. This one is like a young person's children's literature fiction, so I have a couple of those books that I'm trying to see. It's new for me to learn how to write a long narrative, but that's my goal this year. I also worked on guitar. I was— I'm trying to— I write a lot of songs on the side, but I only sing them to my kids, so I'm trying to learn, be confident enough to be able to do that, and I'm getting closer.

Oh, that's amazing. Did Seth— have you and Seth discussed this? Because he's been teaching himself the guitar.

No, we should. Yeah, I'm finally— I, I have someone that I was working with to help me transpose some of the music because, you know, literally probably the thing honestly that I like the most is songwriting, but I'm not getting paid for that. And my son—

awesome.

But I love songwriting, and I just never had a chance to do it. I've been doing it for over 20 years.

Wow.

I have a lot of songs compiled, a lot of— but it's— I feel from— for me, it's about going to that next level and just being able to communicate it in a way, because I feel like I don't want to wait anymore. I'm just, you know, yeah, I— sometimes you wait for the perfect environment, like I find the musician that we're in line with, the singer that we're in line with, and suddenly everything happens and it's magical. But, you know, those things are kind of rare. You know, it might happen, but I think, you know, sometimes you just got to do it even if it's out of your comfort zone.

Oh my gosh, the best, the best stuff comes out of what I'm most uncomfortable with.

Totally. Yeah. Like, yes. That's right, you had not wanted to do it and then—

Oh my gosh, I was like, are you kidding me? And guess what? I absolutely love it. I absolutely love it. So I'm so glad that I was pushed to do this. We had to get uncomfortable.

Totally.

I have a daughter who will sing with you anytime.

Well, teach her some of my songs. I have one that I'm working on. I'm getting Pretty close. My struggle is not the notes per se, it's the rhythm. I have terrible rhythm. So I have to get through. My brother-in-law, who's a wonderful musician, he said it sort of will click at a certain point. So I'm hoping that happens soon. It's getting close.

I learned something new about you. I knew I would today.

Oh yeah. If you ever see me in synagogue, I try to clap. I can't clap. I actually, in my program in undergraduate, we had to take a music, like, appreciation course, and the person taught us how to clap, and that was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

I believe it. I don't know that I— I don't know if I could do it. What about your books? Can everyone find them on Amazon?

Yeah, just look up my name, Lazarus Klein. So I have, again, 3 poetry books and this children's book. They're through Lulu, which I highly recommend. Wonderful. Other than trying to deal with their formatting issues, once you get it in, it all works good. It's always easier to go through a publisher like Market Domination, but, you know, they take care of some of those more computer-related problems.

Well, and I think that, you know, before I let you go, I think one of the things that families are struggling with the most is, you know, our kids are so busy with activities You know, I'm like, you know, you hear me joke about being a taxi, like I didn't know being a mother was going to be being a taxi. And, you know, I'm trying to fit it all in. I'm trying to prioritize Hebrew school and all of it. And I think that families aren't necessarily instilling as much religion into their home as they want to. So any advice in our crazy lives about how to bring that more into our homes?

Yeah, I mean, I think the number one competition for religious organizations is sports and arts activities, definitely. And because it's just, they, over the last 20 years, have taken more and more of that space that used to be. And that's where friendships, although in our experience, sports teams and other, they're not necessarily places where parents meet friends or kids necessarily meet good friends. I think religious activities, whatever community you're attached to, are really important because they're multigenerational in a way that these other kids' activities aren't. They also have rituals about the rhythm of life. They connect you to, you know, this longer tradition that goes through your family, perhaps. And not always, but I think that that really creates meaning. And to do it, like in Judaism, we have different rituals. You don't need to be in a synagogue to do those rituals.

That's true.

Most things are available online today, which is incredible. And I can't speak for every religious tradition because I don't know what is, but I would imagine most things are available. And I would just see what rituals— rituals are a way of— helping us cope with stressful moments. They're in the liminal moments of our lives, whether it's the end of a week like Shabbat or, you know, the growing older, growing up. Those moments are important. And it's important you have ritual behind them. You know, sports teams have a lot of ritual. When you win, when you know there's end of the year parties, the theater, the same thing. Those are rituals. And they help you go through those moments. But there are a lot of moments that we don't have ritual for. So I would suggest, I think, even like little rituals, like in Judaism, lighting candles or making a challah, or, you know, little tiny things can make a huge difference. And also the last thing I'd say is take out the guilt. For far too long, we as synagogues or other religious institutions are telling people what they need to do. Don't listen, like what I told your advice about life cycle events. You don't need to listen to that or feel guilty about that. That's on the religious institutions, not on you. I think, you know, find your own meaning and find and do it in a way that's free of guilt. So if you walk in, don't feel guilty. Just, you know, like you haven't been to church or synagogue or mosque or whatever for a while, just go, you know. It's not up to them to judge you. Just go, and if it works for you, do it.

I love that. Remove the guilt every day from everything, and we'll be all good.

Yeah. I don't like guilt. I mean, maybe it's a good motivator for some people, but I just think it's more caustic, and just, I don't like it.

I know. I know. Well, and I hate to keep going. I know I need to wrap up, but I want to tell you, this time of year can be hard. And Lilly in particular struggles with it. It kind of feels— oh, and I love Christmas. Like, before I say this, I love Christmas. I love all the fun. I love the lights. But it feels like Christmas has kind of exploded everywhere we go. And Lilly really struggles. My other two are like oblivious to it. So I mean, any advice to kind of get through Christmas if you're Jewish and it's hard for you?

Well, first of all, embrace it. It's OK. I mean, these are almost American traditions. I didn't grow up with it or have connection. I think Christmas and Hanukkah, which align this year actually—

they're the same—

so that's always nice. Are about light in the darkness. I mean, what you were saying almost, I think it's really hard when the light changes as we move into winter and December, or Kislev in the Jewish calendar, is the darkest time of the year. And so these rituals were created to help. They're both about festivals of light. Ah, so, you know, I think it's kind of embracing it Don't be embarrassed about it. In our Jewish community, we have all different traditions. And I think a Christmas tree is inherently religious, by the way. I think it's really, again, creating the space that works for you and being unapologetic. I don't think you need to apologize for what you're doing if it has meaning to you. It probably has meaning to others as well, unless it's hurting someone. That's different.

Yes, yes, yes. Oh my gosh. Well, you know, you know that I made like— I could ask Rabbi Alex questions all day, but I have to let him get back to his stuff and I have to get my daughter's.

It's up to you. I know your kid has a half a day.

My kids. Oh my goodness. So Ella's like, do you know that I have a half day? I'm like, no.

Yeah, it's crazy they do it because my son in elementary school has two half days this— or one, it's teacher conferences.

Yes, yes.

But it's like, why are they doing it right after Thanksgiving week? It's so confusing.

I know, I know. Well, they canceled ours because of the snowstorm, so this is a rescheduled day. Ah, okay. So like I said, I could keep going all day, but is there anything else that you think is super important to share before I let you go?

Well, first of all, Rebecca, I value you. I'm so glad to be in your space, in your synagogue here.

Oh, sweet, my synagogue.

And I'm always here. And any of your friends that need anything, let me know. I'm, again, guilt-free, compassionate. That's what I think we need. It's just the world is so hard. I think the, you know, as the, the holidays have come for so many, um, you know, look out for each other. It's a happy time, but it's also the time where, um, it could be very stressful and lonely for a lot of people. So I think pay attention to where you are. Feel free to reach out to me or others in your own support network. And, uh, you know, it's important to know that we're human beings together. We don't need to be Superhuman, just human.

I'm gonna remember that for the rest of— I'm gonna at least hold on to it today, and maybe I need Post-its around the house.

I love how you qualified it. I don't write Post-its, so don't worry.

I have to, I have to. It's one of those things I have to remember every day. It's just one of those conscious things I need to work on. But, um, you mean the world to my family. We all love you so much. You have You are just so special and so special to so many. I don't think that he realizes how special he is. So I want to tell him, and I want to thank you so much for doing this with me today.

A pleasure. Looking forward to our next conversation.

Yes. This is Rebecca Green reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, Please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC.

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