Episode 216: Healthy Relationships with Your Partner, Children, & Yourself with Dr. Liz

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the wine— first Winey Palooza Parenting and Marriage Summit, and we are moving on to our second fabulous presenter. We have Dr. Liz Nisom Mathias here with us. Liz, how did I do? Did I do a good job with your name?

Phenomenal. On, you're on, girl.

Seth is making fun of me because I keep practicing everyone's name. Okay, so Dr. Liz is a licensed clinical psychologist and certified school psychologist. She has worked in the public schools as a member of the child study team, as well as the coordinator of the child study team. During her tenure in private school, she served as the team leader to provide supports to teachers and paraprofessionals, emotional support to parents, and school-based counseling for students, as well as behavior management. So Dr. Liz's topic is Healthy Relationships with Your Partner, Children, and Yourself. Who doesn't need that? And I had the pleasure of talking to Dr. Liz before, and I told her if we lived near each other, we would be really good friends. We would be hanging out all the time. So you're going to love her as much as I do. Thank you, Dr. Liz, for being here with us today.

Thank you so much for having me. This is so awesome. And you're right. If we lived a tiny bit closer, we'd be sharing the chaos that comes with raising 3 children. That is every day. Oh my gosh. Like, I think that's That's why I adore you so much. You're so open and honest about all of it. And that is the topic of today. And I'm going to pretend like I know exactly what I'm doing as I share my screen. And here it is. It's a presentation on healthy parenting. And I think the biggest thing is really understanding that we're all trying to find a balance, but that balance is not going to be a perfect good balance every single day, and it's going to look different. And I think, you know, I'm preaching to myself as much as I'm speaking to all of you, is that every day is hard. And it's staying aware of what you need, what your family needs, and then making the decisions in the moment and doing what you need to. But I want to stay away from this idea that there is this perfect balance and there's a formula. Because there isn't. And I think, Rebecca, you'll agree with that. So a couple topics we're going to talk about is what is a healthy relationship, kind of giving some terms to what parenting is, healthy relationships with your spouse, different thing— different parenting styles, finding healthy ways to relate to your children, and then really finding ways to take care of yourself as a parent. So what is a healthy relationship? A healthy relationship is one, you know, just kind of taking it right back to the basics. It's a space between two people who care about each other and want to be in each other's space and lives, where there's communication, there's a connectedness, there's an honesty, there's validation and feeling that you are seen and you belong. And that applies to your relationship with your friends. It applies in your, in your relationship with your significant other. It applies to your relationship with your children. And understanding first and foremost, as humans, our, our main needs are to be seen and to be heard and to be, and to feel like you belong to something. Parenting. Parenting is this joyous festivity of events that happens on a daily, daily basis. But it's, it's raising children in order to help them to develop into healthy, productive, well-adjusted, and happy adults who are independent and know how to problem solve and brainstorm. And there isn't a dependency. I think as a parent, I'm finding that as my kids are growing up— I have 3 kids, I have a 16-year-old, a 14-year-old, and a 10-year-old. Each one is in a different level of school, each one is in a different developmental phase, um, and I'm realizing that as much as I don't want my kids to grow and I don't want that to change, I also need to teach them how to be independent because if I don't, they're going to not be able to function, and that's not our role. But our role is to teach resilience and to allow our children to fail and to not be the helicopter parent or the Hoover parent or the lawnmower parent, whatever term there is out there, is that we allow our children opportunities to make decisions, to experience failures or negative outcomes, and then to pick themselves back up, recalibrate, and try again. And that is resilience. And I feel like a lot of our kids don't experience— don't have that resilience. And we see a lot of very fragile kids. And it's important that, again, we give our children time and space to make mistakes, even though we can foresee the outcome. Like, if you make this decision, this will happen. Let your child, you know, if even if it sounds awful, as long as there's no harm to our children, let them go through the experience. It's really important that we provide a consistent environment with consistent rules and guidelines and boundaries. Giving them opportunities for independence, for us to be firm but flexible so that our children know that we are the adults and the authority figures in their lives, and to give them opportunities to build their self-esteem. So recognizing when they've done things well and also offering feedback to them about, you know, what needs to be done or what they may not be doing in a productive or constructive way. So the Co-Parenting Alliance— and co-parenting, I think, as a mom who's divorcing, co-parenting, it is that process of parenting with another person who is no longer your spouse. But regardless, even if you are married, there is a level of co-parenting as well. So that term kind of can go in both directions. But When you're co-parenting in the same house with your significant other, there is a division of— there needs to be the division of labor for child care and responsibilities between two parents. And a lot of the therapeutic work that I do is helping parents to— because most of the time, not all of the time, there's one parent who takes on the majority of the responsibilities and takes on that mental labor and that mental work of making sure things get done and having the master schedule at hand or in their head. And finding ways to kind of disperse that so there isn't any one person who's solely responsible. Making decisions together, communicating about what's happening, having an understanding of what's happening, and aligning and not sabotaging or not supporting each other's parenting efforts. You want to find that alignment even as divorced or divorcing parents. Having that alignment between parenting, which is not always easy, especially if there are two people who don't see parenting in the same way, but this is ultimately the goal, is to be aligned as much as possible. What parent— co-parenting is not is one person taking a lot of the responsibility while the other person does not, having one disengaged person and then one active parent. Another thing that is parenting is not, is empowering the children in the family so that the parent aligns with one child or two children and gives special privileges in the absence of the other parent, because that creates triangulation, which gives a child this idea that they are empowered as an equal adult, because developmentally our children are not ready for that. So it creates and breeds a lot of anxiety. And a lack of boundaries and feeling like there isn't an authority figure in their life. And that's where the anxiety comes from. Like, who's in charge? Who's watching? Who's making sure that I'm okay? Who's going to, you know, take care of this for me? Especially when there are things that we need to take care of for our children because developmentally they're not ready to take it on, like a mortgage. As much as I'd love my kids to contribute to the mortgage and to pay the mortgage, it's not happening. And so that's solely my responsibility. But me again maintaining those boundaries. There are 4 general parenting styles according to the literature, and there's a lot of variation around it, but the 4 ones that I know and refer to are the authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved, and they differ on 4 variables: the disciplinary strategies, the level of warmth and nurturance, the communication styles, and expectations of maturity and control. So I don't want to spend a ton of time on this, but I want to give you an overview. So the authoritarian parenting style is the way— is what I really think of it in terms of that old-school parenting style, the way that I was raised by my parents. And I'm sure a lot of us in my age range had authoritarian parents where it's very high demands, very low responsiveness. There's not a lot of flexibility. You do this because I said so. And if you don't adhere to my rules, there's swift punishment. And this tends to be very undermining of our children's level of independence, giving them opportunities to make decisions and have those experiences. And there's— it's more of a fear-based parenting style. That doesn't tend to fare well in the long term. The next parenting style is authoritative parenting style. The one— this is really, from my perspective, is the ideal one because there's a responsiveness on the side of the parent and a willingness to listen. And so there's— the parent is firm as the authority figure, but there's a level of flexibility. Parents, this parenting style consists of being nurturing and forgiving, so not holding grudges, not engaging in silent treatments, not being punitive, not excluding or anything like that, and having clear expectations, having clear-cut boundaries that don't come with a lot of aggression, high emotion, anger, yelling, So it's setting the boundaries, but doing it in a way of there's a clear understanding of this is my expectation of you, you didn't adhere to that, and so now this is the consequence. Permissive parenting style is more of a parent who has very few demands and a low engagement, not a lot of presence. There's very little discipline, there's a lot of leniency. This is a parent who's almost like afraid of their child that wants to be their friend. And so they may not set boundaries because they know their child is going to yell or get upset and they don't like that. And this results in a lot of the times children who kind of learn this dynamic with their parent where they don't get what they want, they put up a, you know, they get really loud and angry and demanding or they start to make threats. And the parent gives in. And so there's that cycle. And then again, if you have a parent who's not parenting and is not the clear-cut authority figure who's in charge, and the child is instead— developmentally, they're not ready for that. They need a parent and they need an authority figure. So it breeds a ton of anxiety because again, they're— who's the parent? Who's making the decisions? Should I make this decision or not? Should I do this or should I not? And if there isn't a standard in their mind of what they should and should not do, then, you know, there's not a lot of guidelines, and then we see a lot of poor decision-making. Uninvolved parenting style tends to be a little bit neglectful. Few demands, little responsiveness, little communication, little presence, little engagement. Basic needs are fulfilled, such as having food, clothing, and a roof, but there's a lot of detachment. And so children like this tend to feel very disconnected, neglected, sometimes even abandoned. So, oops, me and technology, not the best. So maintaining your relationship with your partner. So once you are, you're, the two of you are on the same page that you're parenting together, which if you're married and you have children, or you're together and you have children, you have an agreement and that you're going to support each other's parenting responsibilities, that you're going to act as allies, um, so that the, the— whether one parent is present, the other parent is present, or the both parents are present, there's an understanding of the standards are the same. Um, the parents understand that, but also the children understand that, and there isn't again that triangulation of let me ask mom because mom will say no, yes, or if I, you know, I'm going to ask one parent over another, I'm going to get my privileges, I'm going to wait until one parent isn't here. You want to try to avoid that, obviously. And true allies don't lose sight of their mutually agreed upon goals. So whatever your parenting style is, you want to align as much as possible and have an idea together as parents, what is important to us? You know, is family time really important? What are the priorities Is it important for our kids to be engaged in activities? And that's what our, you know, a lot of our family life is going to be based around, or family time or meals together, whatever it is, coming together and agreeing to it in addition to then working towards that goal together and mutually. So Parents also— I don't need to tell you this, but maybe I do— parents need to have their fun time away from their children, away from parenting. So if when you engage in, let's say, in each other's interests, that you're going to explore each other's interests or you have a mutual interest, set aside time to do that. Set aside date nights and mini vacations, share in each other's interests, and when you're doing that, you're talking as little as possible about your children because most of our time is spent thinking and talking about and planning for our children to the point where we lose sight and lose that connection with our significant other. And remember, that's a relationship, and that relationship, as much as your relationship with your children needs nurturing every day, so does your relationship with your partner. And it's really important to kind of create a framework where you're going to expand your energy and divide your energy in both of those domains in addition to your self-care. When you do co-parent and you are aligned together, what you see is children tend to be less stressed. There's increased marital satisfaction. And children, when they feel safe at home and things are stable at home, there's a greater ability to go out and explore the world, explore other, you know, friendships and relationships and extracurricular activities, sports, theater, whatever it is that they're interested in. There's— and because there's stability in the home base, the ability to go out and explore the world is— there's the energy and the time and the freedom to do it. Um, so building again a relationship with our children, maintaining daily routines. You don't have to be super— they don't have to be super rigorous, or you don't have to be super strict. You can be flexible. Some days you'll skip on something, uh, sometimes you'll extend bedtime because there's— it's a holiday or a weekend's coming up, or they have a day off. But having a consistent daily routine, because our children need that consistency and they thrive when there's consistency, and they know what to expect. So having things like calendars, you know, either whiteboard calendars or calendars in the house, or children having their own calendars where they can, you know, on Tuesday I have gymnastics and they can write it on their own calendar. I know my own children really wanted that for themselves because they wanted to know what their specific schedule was going to look like. And, you know, on Saturday we're celebrating Grandma's birthday, so we're going to go and do that. And having an idea of what's to come. It's okay to hold our kids to high standards. And we should because our children will live up to them and then ultimately internalize those high standards. You know, speaking to our kids with kind words and not putting them down, and it's, you know, it doesn't have to be in that way where we think, oh, you know, that we do that through yelling at our children or using foul language, but even things, subtle ways of doing it where if we're anxious parents, we're expressing that anxiety, if we're If we hold ourselves, if we came from a generation of parents who held us to very high and unrealistic expectations, we have to make sure that we're not communicating that back down to the next generation, you know, and being, taking a step back and looking at our own parenting and what values we came into this world with and understanding that our children are a gift to us and they're not ours and they're not here to carry out our dreams and fantasies of who we want them to be. But we are merely carriers of these human beings that our goal is to help them to be happy, productive, independent human beings who pursue their own goals and dreams. And it's not about us. And it's, it's the hardest thing I know I've had to do is to really reflect on what are my expectations for my kids, what is my goal and role as their parent, and to really take a look and see what unresolved conflicts and issues that I came into this parenting role with, because parenting children is the hardest thing because it's constantly stirring up a lot of old issues that weren't resolved for us. And we know we moved beyond them and thought, oh, they're done, that part of my life is over. But it has this sneaky way of coming back up on you when you're parenting, and it can— it's really, it's really hard. It's really hard. And again, I'm speaking from you know, personal experience, that it's, it's a constant reflection and a self-awareness and being aware of what we're communicating to our children and making sure that it's not our own issue and that if we're being triggered, we need to take a look at that. We need to pursue our own time to self-reflect or talk to a therapist. Parenting is a full-time job. There's no training, no manuals, no time off, no sick days. And I know I get here a lot. I get to that point of burnout where I just want to— I don't want to do anything. I want to hide. I want to find a blanket, hide under it, and hope nobody sees me for the next 3 days. It's not possible, although it is still a fantasy. Maybe when they're older, and then I'll be sad because they're gone. So parenting is this roller coaster ride where you're like, enough, get away from me. Wait, don't leave me. But knowing your limits. Know and be aware when you've had your fill of parenting. If you're coming into the day or the evening and you're underslept or you're not feeling well or you're feeling burnt out or you're struggling with something emotionally, know your limits. Tap out. Say to the other parent, I'm done. I'm going to step out. You handle it from here. Because I'm going to explode and I don't want to say or do anything that I'm going to regret later. Really try as much as possible to build in downtime into your schedule. I know I personally love like massages and pedicures. I wish I could do it one time a week, but I can't. So I try to build in time to like watch a Netflix show or to sit in silence as much as I can, even if it's just 10 minutes, and to just self-reflect and check in with myself. And just building in that time as often as I can for myself. Again, it doesn't have to be exorbitant. It doesn't have to be costly. It could be watching a show, reading a book, giving yourself a pedicure, anything like that that brings you decompression to your body and your mind because we're always going. We're always thinking. We're also always calculating, making mental lists. And, you know, when our children are struggling and we're frustrated, you know, and listen, I have relentless kids and I'm pretty sure a lot of you do too. My kids push and push and push. And sometimes I give in because I'm just so tired and I need them to stop. But here's the thing, and it took me a long time to get to this myself, is if you're not sure, you say to your child, I'm not sure, I need to think about this. Let me get back to you. And take a pause. If your child is like pounding on you and they're not, not giving you a chance to breathe, walk away, disengage. We do have that ability. Walk away. It's very hard. I'm not saying it's easy. And again, I speak from experience. I have some intense kids who can get really, um, they don't stop and it's, it's tough, but take a pause, take a break, walk away and just say, you know what, I'm I need to take a break. It's also an excellent thing that you're showing your kids that when you've reached your limit, you recognize it and you ask to take a break. So it's okay if you do that. And it teaches them that they can do that too, because just continuing to engage, everyone escalates, not good.

Dr. Liz, that was so awesome.

Thank you. Thank you. You guys are awesome. It's always so nice to see you and speak with you.

Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.