Episode 255: Powerful Parenting Tools with Vanessa Kahlon

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green on the Winey Palooza podcast, and I am so excited today because I have Vanessa Colon here with me today. Vanessa, thank you so much for doing this with me today.

Thank you for having me. I'm excited.

It's, it's 7 AM where she is, so she is a really good sport to be doing this with me right now. So thank you for that. I'm going to tell you about this fabulous lady. My words are not coming out well. I better like do some tongue exercises or something. But Vanessa is the founder of Cologne Family Services School, a nonprofit organization that provides education for K through 8 along with resources and support to families with strong-willed children that someone call 2E, twice exceptional, which I've never heard of, so I have to ask you about that. After being an in-home behavior specialist and supervisor of various California behavioral programs for many years, she came up with the idea of yoga education for autism spectrum and spent her free time creating her own program after years of studying clinical psychology and working with different populations around trauma, attachment issues, and family dynamics. Yazz Yoga is an exciting and personal yoga curriculum for children that benefits self-regulation. Her book, Shut Up and Parent, Love the title. Gives parents the tools for managing their kids' daily behaviors. Vanessa is a family interventionist offering comprehensive and individualized coaching and support regularly. Blah, blah, blah. There I go again. She hosts the podcast Parenting with Vanessa Colon and lectures at numerous schools and organizations. You are a busy lady.

Yeah.

You are a super busy lady. And I have so many things I want to ask you, but let's start with what inspired you to become a family interventionist. I would love to know.

You know, when sometimes— okay, so whenever I was young, when I was younger, I've always babysat. I was always around children. And then I started bartending and like working in the cocktail lounge and doing other stuff. And I just met a lot of people. A couple of them were parents, so they would ask me to babysit or watch their kid. And it just so happened that one of the families at at the time had a child with autism. So this was like 25, 26 years ago. And so no idea what that was. I agreed to it. I did some research. I'm like, oh my gosh, what am I walking into? And it just kind of snowballed from there. So every time I try to find a job and do something different, the universe is like, yeah, no, just kidding. It's not going to happen. So it's never been like, oh, it's just kind of grown in a way of what the needs are of the children. So I have a school. It happened to be an accident. 3 kids happened to get kicked out the same week, and I had shadows for these kids in school. So now I have 3 shadows, 3 kids, and I guess come into my house. So it's never been like, oh, I'm waking up with this idea. It's more like, what comes my way and what are the needs and how do we get those needs met? Because I just can't watch. I have a really hard time seeing somebody struggle, especially a child. So I just want to come in and help and support. But now it's kind of evolved. Like, I just finished my other curriculum, the 3R, which is for social emotional learning, which is like the redo, Wine and Repair. I'm like, how do you actually teach kids empathy and a way of helping them build friendships and social skills? Because through this pandemic, there's such a need right now.

I couldn't have said that better. It definitely 100%. It sounds like you are doing what you are supposed to be doing. Yes.

So that's once you open the— once you kind of go in that right direction. I mean, literally, I have had every door slammed to me, and anytime I was hired somewhere, an agency, I ended up fired. Um, I, it's just like one of my first job was with my mom at her travel agency and she fired me within a week because I was like, I don't understand why an envelope has to have the perfect name on there. Like, I'm not, I just use on my website. Who cares?

Your brain doesn't work that way.

Like, does it matter?

No. Oh my gosh. Well, you have so much knowledge. I wanna pick your brain about all of this stuff that you're doing with families and kids, and you have powerful one-liners that we can use for challenging parenting moments when they push our buttons. So tell us these one-liners.

Okay. So, you know, I think a lot of it, so my book, my first book is called Shut Up and Parent for the reason that we talk too much. Uh-huh. Right. And like, I don't like the more that you're talking, the more the kids are not processing cuz it's just going blah, blah, blah. So I always have these just like simple one-liner, which is like, let me know when you're ready to listen. And I walk away. But it's, let me know when you're ready. So then again, you're putting the choice on the child to take responsibility of their actions versus yelling nonstop. And kids could be very well trained to be like, well, on the 5th time, I'll come in because my mom's going to take that many times to yell at me. I got to get a couple of minutes more of screen time. You know what I mean? She's not going to do it until she comes in. And I have a rule, like, I only ask 2 times. The 3rd time, I'm going to help you. And parents like, you're gonna help them all. I'm gonna help them. Like, I'm gonna help them make the right choice. I'm not gonna pass that.

I love that. I love that. So many tips already. I do, I do talk too much. I have gotten that feedback. My middle child is like, you just need to listen to me. She's like, don't talk.

And you know, that is a great, you know, as you're talking with your child and as they're getting older, it's like, well, I even do this with my friendships. Do you want me to listen?

Yes.

Feedback. What do you need me to do? Because I'm not messing up this friendship because I've done this a lot already by giving my feedback. And I'm like, older, you realize some people just want to be heard. And silence is sometimes so much stronger than words.

Well, and I want to back you up because in the field that we're in, it's really hard with friends when we, when we want to do like the advice and like, I know what she should do, or I think I know. And I, and I'm like, she doesn't want advice. No, it's hard. It's very hard.

You know, to me, I feel like everyone has a life lesson, like, and I talk to educators and stuff, and then they're like, I feel so sorry for this child because they're doing them— don't feel sorry for a child. Don't, because then you put the bar low. Everyone, everyone comes in with their learnings, their learning style is different. They need to figure it out. And what are they going to provide for, bring back to the world for themselves, right? But I feel like the minute we start feeling sorry for people or we're doing that kind of thing, it just brings up the bar low because then it's like, well, I don't want to push so hard because, you know, They've had a rough life already, so maybe they can just— I don't know.

I'm like, no, that's good advice. That's really good because we do— we all do that.

We always do.

Yeah.

And even my teacher's like, well, I feel bad, you know, because of their history. And I go, you're not helping them.

It is so true. Yeah. Okay, so 5 powerful tools that we can use to rewind and repair situations that are out of control? I'm dying to hear this.

So the 3R method.

Okay. Yes, I love it.

I love the 3Rs. So the redo, right? So the first one is the redo. So that's when you actually see like, oh crap, this is going the wrong way, right? Or it already went the wrong way. And then it's like you do the— I think what happens is a lot of times people start getting into, you know, No, we're not doing that. No, we're not. And it's like this whole thing and then it just escalates, right? So it's not really about what just happened and it becomes about something else. And so I think then the parent says, no, we're not going to do that. Then they take the child away. So there's no teaching involved, right? So you have two siblings that are arguing over something. One person blocks or blocks, and then the parent's like, we're separating you. But what, what I like to do about the redo is that you have— it's very specific and like there's a lot of strategies that go with it, right? So you see it, we have— there you go. So then we have to go into the rewind. Let's do that again. Right? So I'm not going to ask a child, oh, what would you have done differently? He would have done it. Like, they would have done it. So it's like, oh, okay, I'm gonna help you, you know, I'm gonna give you the language, and then we're gonna build it again. But normally, sometimes kids that want to destroy something, they just want to play with you, but they don't have the language. So then let's go and take a step back and saying, hey, I want to play with you. And then the repair is helping them rebuild. Like, I don't believe in the word sorry. Sorry drives me crazy. Uh, it's like, I When I hear it, I'm just like, oh, this doesn't mean anything, right? So I'm looking at what the 3 Rs is, that you're looking at the action that follows, right? So like a card or you're helping them rebuild and you're repairing the relationship. And I think a lot of times kids, when they don't have that repair piece, then they start to feel worse about themselves because the relationship is broken. So imagine a kid at school that does something and that repair doesn't happen, goes home, he's thinking about it all day long, doesn't want to go to school the next day.

Yes, definitely.

So you have anxiety right there.

Yes. Well, and it's so funny because I love these 3 Rs and I talk about these 3 Rs, but as you're talking, I'm realizing I've never taught them to my children. How does that make any sense? But there are words that are magical and these are 3 of them.

Right. And when I do the rewind, I'm like, oh, rewind it. And then it's again, like, your body language, how you approach the child, because they're already— some of them already feel shame for what they just did. So if you're going to come at them with another thing of, like, you did—

what were you thinking?

And I want to do that too, but you can't. Well, let's rewind that. And then even if I'm reprimanding a kid, I'm always like this. Got it. Right.

Oh, my God, you are so fun. I want to hang out with you.

But I'm also really super alpha personality, man. A kid's not going to tell me what to do. But you know what I mean? Is that boundary piece?

Yes.

Like, we're going to try that again. I mean, even when you tell a kid to walk right across the room and they're running, like, oh, let's rewind that. We're going to take you back and you're going to learn how to do it.

Correct. And it's obviously working because you're using it.

I use it. For me, I use it in every situation with my kids. So I have a school for kids with learning and some behavioral issues. And a lot of times these kids have come from multiple schools than they're with me. I always say I'm like the last resort before maybe they go somewhere else. I don't know. But a lot of these kids don't trust adults. They don't trust teachers. They don't try. We have to rebuild everything. And then what ends up happening is they've hit other kids and then it's like, well, we're going to call mom. You know, 2 weeks ago, a little girl did something and then she like, when the mom came in, she thought I was going to go tattle on her. And I go and I looked at her, I go, what happens at school stays at school, honey. It's already done. And I'm not like, your mom doesn't even know anything. I'm not telling her anything. But again, like, my kids also with that, with that approach, they never tell on me.

I'm like, oh, I did something.

I was like, or like, oh, I just slipped in my cast. You know what I mean?

Yup, yup.

They're not going home telling their parents.

And I go, well, you know, so you're really building trust with them, which is what they need.

Yeah, it all comes on. You talk about 3 Rs, it's all about relationship building. So it's relationship building with the relationship with the person that, you know, you're looking at attachment, you're looking at other things like that. But it really comes down to the consistency piece and following through and like what you're doing, you know, and you can make mistakes and but it's like admit the mistakes like, oh, and if you're having a bad day, Pick and choose your battles. But also tell them, you know what, I'm not picking every battle with you today. I'm going to figure that out and what's going to happen. But tomorrow we're back to normal, you know? But again, you're in control. It's not the child in control.

Yes.

So they— and then always giving them choices. Like, I'm constantly giving choices, but there's a kid that's like, I want the third choice. And I'm like, well, that's not going to happen.

Oh my gosh. Well, and you're talking about the 3 Rs, and I don't know if that's the answer to this question, but you know how to successfully get through a meltdown. Is that what you're using to successfully get through a child's meltdown?

Yes. Yes. So, okay, well, I'm not doing— so during a meltdown, yeah, silence is key, right? Yeah. Silence is key. So you wanna make— so depend, like, Safety is number one. I always talk about safety, of course, number one on there. But, you know, if a parent— like, I just had a call the other day and I'm like, my kid hit me in the car. And I go, why don't you pull the car over? Like, these are like little things, right? Like, when you're doing that, pull the car over. All right, let me know when you're ready. And that's it. And you don't need to talk. The more that you yell just escalates everything. And, and I know a lot of parents don't want to deal with this in public. Like, I don't mind dealing with things in public. Like, I don't care. But, you know, I think for that is being able to look at your environment. But also if it's at home and your kid is just like having a meltdown, you know, I'm not one to be like, I don't believe in timeouts. I'm like, okay, I obviously I need a break from you. You need a break from me. You could do that. I think that's one thing to do. If it's the whole family's fighting, which I've seen before, I'm like, fire drill. And then everybody goes into a different, you know, you have one more drill.

Oh my God.

That's it. Everyone's gone.

Oh my gosh, I'm totally gonna use that. You know what I mean?

Like, that's it. Listen, because all of a sudden, like, one parent comes in and the other one, and then another child, and then you have like— and then if you have 3 kids, you're all outnumbered.

Yes, yes, we are outnumbered here.

And then one kid gets mad because you're being mean. Like, I mean, my kids are all defending each other in a mall. No, it's like I could—

yeah, I could totally picture that. And what about preventing them? What can we do to prevent it from even starting?

Okay, so I don't think behaviors are bad, and I think that when we start looking at behaviors, like behavior is somebody that's like quiet in the corner, like, or hiding, or just being internalizing it. I think behaviors are a sign of like how a child's feeling internally. So I don't feel like they are bad. I think what happens is people try to— one of the things I think I see over and over again is that people try to not have the behavior happen, so then they accommodate the child with everything. And then guess what happens then? Then the child is like, if it doesn't go their way, they have a bigger behavior. So if you're trying to avoid the behavior, that means that you are literally like reinforcing a ton of little things. Which has a huge behavior. So, but things that prevent it, you know, I think is like being consistent with your words, giving them choices that they want to do, um, understanding that, that some kids just need to explode here and there. I know some kids, I'm like, okay, it's been 2 months, I'm ready for you.

No, that is, that is accurate. Yeah. And it's interesting how you look at it because I think if we can shift parents to look at behaviors not as bad, I think that de-escalates them right there.

Right. And in my book, it's called love taps.

Ooh, I love that.

Like, I'm gonna have my mom fire you, Vanessa. You're the worst teacher ever. I've been called Cruella de Vil.

Like, oh, you love me.

I do not.

Where did you get love taps from that? Tell me more.

I think it's perspective. Like, I get yelled at all day long. I'm dealing with kids. Like, I mean, I just am getting kids that they hit, they bit. I've had it all happen to me. And to me, it's like— and I don't mind it. To me, it's like I'm a safe zone for them to show that, and I'm here to teach. So it doesn't bother me. Parents, like, mortified. I'm like, oh my God, my kid bit you. And I'm all, Whatever. I know how to get out of a bite.

Well, and you're smiling and you have such a good attitude. Like, how are you? How are you coping with all of this every day? Like, what are you doing for yourself that you're so okay?

You know, I mean, when you know that you're here for a reason and this is it, then it just works. You know, I will go like I'm speaking at my first conference in 2 weeks. And then I have— I'm going to Vegas for some awards. I don't know, something. I don't know. Yeah, it's, it's, you know, but to me, this is all— it doesn't— at the end of the day doesn't mean anything unless I have that connection. Like, I will never not be with children because children are the ones that, like, make me happy. Because when they do come in and, like, you see that light in their eyes when they figured it out, you're like, that's what this is about.

Yes.

And sometimes it's not that often. Yeah, sometimes I want to strangle a child too, and I'll tell them, yeah, right now I'm like, I need a moment. Because there's one kid in my school that I've been with for years, and you know, as he's getting older, like, me being the owner of the school and the one that comes up with it, the kids look like, let's see if I can bring her down. They don't take it to my teachers the way that they'll do with me sometimes. Yeah, but I also challenge them. I'm also that teacher's like, bring it, what do you got?

You guys, you are awesome. It sounds like you have an amazing school.

I do. We have movement desks. The kids can sit any which way they want to. They can, they could take as many breaks as they need. It's just, it's a small setting, a very small community. Um, I love it. We, you know, with my podcast and my other stuff that I'm doing, we do get other kids. We're doing a social emotional learning camp this summer, but it's definitely my passion and what I'm doing and seeing these kids because they, they can't do 20 kids in a class. They just— and also, they're— that we're talking about 2E earlier. There, there's— yes, these kids are like super, super smart academically. Like, I call them like the Elon Musk children, right? Like, super smart, but then the social-emotional is lower. So then how do you bring it up? Because I have a kid that's, that's, you know, 5 years old, can do 5th grade language. Oh gosh, that's like—

wow.

But yet turn-taking and like playing a game can be very difficult.

Yeah.

And then you have these kids with high verbal skills, so then you think that they know things, but they're really using that verbal language to hide that they're, they're struggling.

And you've got this all figured out. It's amazing.

I don't have anything figured out.

You have a lot figured out. And wait, twice, twice exceptional. So, so why is it twice exceptional?

I just have like a super high, like IQ in some area. Like there are just certain areas that are like a lot stronger than others.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, well, and I of all people need to learn what an underreaction is. So I, so we're in a challenging situation. I've gotten so much better. What is, what is an underreaction that we can use?

You know, okay, before I— when I wrote that, I, uh, didn't have this kid, another kid that taught me something else.

So they all do. They all do.

No, they totally do. And like, um, the underreaction is that silence piece, right? It's just not like, let me know. It's again, that goes down to your toolkit, like the one-liner, let me know when you're ready to talk. Well, then I got this kid recently that, you know, loves to argue. So the silence doesn't really work, right? So like he's just picking at it and the next thing you know, he's like, no, I'm going to make you talk to me. Screaming at me nonstop. And in that moment I had to match him. So there is a part of like me knowing my kids and that like I, I need to take it to that level, match him, and then he'll come back down. Right. Because it's almost like as he's getting up, I have to bring it back down.

Makes so much sense.

Yeah. So, I mean, it really— it's not like, oh, it works with everybody. And after I matched him and brought it down, when he was calm, we talked about— I'm like, you know, these are not healthy ways of communicating. It's just not. And as you get older and you're building relationships, like, you can't be coming at people and hounding them over and over again to do something and then just going— just, just wanting to do. And I'm just trying to stay calm. Come on. And finally I'm like, stop it. And he did. But he's like, I knew I can get you to react.

These kids.

But I said, what can we do differently? Right? So I asked him, I go, so how was my reaction? Like, what should we do? I do check in with my kids afterwards because I think that's one of the things that from part of the relationship building. Okay, should I have done that differently? What do you think? Was I too over the top? Was it not under? What was it? And he's like, Maybe a little bit higher up next time. And then on this situation, you can go a little bit lower with that. Like, okay, now what are you going to do?

That's really good. I do not do that. I think that's really good. Getting feedback about how we're being. Yeah, I love that. Yeah.

I mean, listen, we're not perfect. None of us are. No. Like, and I didn't, you know, I don't— and, you know, I'm dealing with— I'm lucky that I have like this, attachment issue, adoption. Like, I have a diverse background because when I was going to do my— I decided not to get licensed because there's too many rules. I don't do well with rules. I was like, well, why would this approach work with everybody? It's not going to work with everybody. Then why would that one work with this one? It doesn't work. So I just kind of went through all of them and just got trained things and just looked at it differently because there's so many different lenses that you can look at.

Very true. Yeah.

So I don't want to get stuck on one thing. Like, I've never read an assessment. Kids come in and they're like, parents will come into my school. They're like, well, do you want the assessment? Yeah, no, it's okay.

Oh, I love this.

To me, it's like somebody just sat there, asked a couple of questions. The DSM is going to change anyways in another 5 years. That's my perspective on the whole thing. And I don't care. And I tell people, like, even when I go in to do a school observation and sometimes they'll just send me a video and I just show me the eyes and let me just see from there. And then I can go from there. But I'm not going to ask everyone. Everyone wants to tell me this long story, and I'm like, I don't want to hear the story. Like, let me just figure it out, and then we'll come back and then tell me the story.

And, and then you're not tainted. Oh wow. I knew I was in the right job when I was doing family counseling because they told me I was not allowed to use the DSM, and I was like, oh, I love this place.

Yeah, I mean, it's just ridiculous.

I know.

You just popped up out of somewhere else. I mean, and it's like every— and then when I do my trainings for my yoga thing, you know, I got one person in the crowd that's like very PC and I'm just like, can we just stop? Like, it's not about— it's about what you're getting. And if I'm saying something wrong, like, I'm sorry, but that's not my intention. That's not where my heart is. That's not who I am.

Absolutely.

And if you're spending time on that crap, like, I don't need it. Keep going.

I agree. I agree with you. And you've mentioned not saying no. You've mentioned that instead of no, we want to teach. Can you give us an example?

Right. So, you know, I think that I was in a conversation with a couple of head of schools, and one of the things that was brought up, that when there was a fight that happened at school and one of the kids like broke another pair of kids' glasses. And then of course the child goes where? The principal's office. And to me I'm like, well, where's the teaching? You know what I mean? So it's like looking at every situation like, okay, how can we teach? Because when you're telling a kid no all the time, is it maybe they don't know a different way? So I— and I think when you have a kid with high verbal skills that can talk their way out of anything, like I just told a parent yesterday, I'm like, your kid's 5 years old and can get behind a car and can probably get tacos without a ticket. Like, like he just has no skill, but But that he might be like, the social piece is lower, right? So then it's looking at how are we teaching all of that in a way that makes sense for everybody. So instead of saying no, I'm going to give choices, or hey, you know, we can't have screen time right now, but in 30 minutes you can, uh, you can't have Minecraft, you know, at school, but at 2 o'clock, yes. So again, it's looking at that. If you— but if you find yourself constantly telling your child no to do the same thing over and over again, to me that's a— that's an opportunity to start teaching something else.

Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And then on the other hand, you say that we can make yes more successful.

Yeah.

So tell me about that.

I think just make, I feel like when a child feels like, okay, like we do our check-in, right? How, how did I do on there? And then they do their part. I'm more likely to say yes to more things that they wanna do cuz I'm seeing that they're working towards a, a relationship with me and they're working on themselves. Like I tell, you know, even at age 3, I tell kids it's a choice to be happy or not. And What is your choice? Your choices don't affect me.

Yeah, but they affect you.

Because the minute you tell a kid, that makes me really mad, you're giving that kid way too much power.

We all do that.

Yeah, but think about it. Then they're like, oh, I'm going to do that again. I mean, some kids are so smart. They're like, well, let me think about that. Let me see how I'm going to do it. I'm waiting for another kid. I mean, we had an intervention not too long ago, and I'm just— I know this little girl is just waiting to get me on something, and I'm just like, okay, it's been 2 weeks. She's gonna do it eventually.

Well, and, and, and the fact that you know it's coming, like, your whole attitude about it is so, so successful. You have a successful attitude. I'm, I'm taking it in.

Well, the other thing is I asked the kids, like, so before we're gonna do a game and the kid's gonna freak out, I'm like, do you think you're gonna freak out if you don't win? And they'll say yes. I go, well, then I'm not gonna play until you're So let me know. And then like, kind of go, then like, okay, I won't freak out. And they don't.

I need to say, are you going to cheat? Because if you're going to cheat, I'm going to wait. Right?

No, 100%. I'm telling you, you think I talk to people like this? It's that simple. I'm like, it is really that simple. Because what you're doing is giving them the control for their own choices that they're making and responsibility.

Mm-hmm. Which a lot of them want the control.

Yeah. And that—

yeah, right.

And then they're not living in this stereotype of, okay, well, she knows I'm going to cheat anyway, so I might as well just do it. And that's their narrative that they're telling themselves. So let's change that narrative, right? I'll walk in to see a kid and I could tell by his little grumpy— I'm all, are we going to have one of those days or is it going to— can we at least wait 2 hours and then we'll do it? Or if I have a tour at my school, I'll tell kids, okay, Here's this little red light timer. No behaviors. When they leave, you can.

Do they listen to that? Because it's—

I'm not making these behaviors a huge deal. It's almost like I'm taking that huge thing down to like, all right, really? Are you going to do that? You guys want more kids, more friends, like show up.

Yes.

You know, you guys want this. Like, crap, I started a school on accident. This wasn't my thing.

That is funny. That is really awesome.

I go, you guys want this? You know, the curriculum, they're part of it when it comes down— I mean, they do everything. So, and even yes, this week one of the kids came in with like a survey, do you want? And he decided to make lunch for everybody yesterday. He's 9.

Oh my gosh.

Well, it's like constantly, how do we think of other people and how are we always teaching that? Because you know what, I'm We're not that important individually. Like, we're not like— and I'm not being mean, but when you start to think that you're like a super important person, then that's where everything just kind of goes crap.

Yeah, no, that is, that is true. That is very true. Um, I want to talk about self-regulating and Yaz Yoga.

Yeah, so to me, how do you— so I find that when you take it, when you tell a kid to take a deep breath, what does that I show them, I show them what I mean, right? But like, some kids have processing issues.

That's true.

So it's like, I don't even know what to say. And then a lot of times, one of the things I notice, if you say take a deep breath, the body— some kids do the opposite. So instead of their belly going out, they're going in and like you're causing a panic attack. Right. So there's those that I'm looking at. Right. So it's like, are they hyperventilating, trying to take a deep breath? But really it's how do we teach kids, you know, when they're, when they are feeling nervous, like these, these breathing exercises and how do we teach, you know, self-regulation through movements and being in their body. So that's kind of, that's my passion.

So are the kids doing the yoga during the day at school?

Yeah. And I don't teach them because I'm too close to them. So I have somebody else.

Oh, that's smart. That is smart. And is it a particular type of yoga with that title?

It's the program that I developed.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. So it's really looking at how— so to me, a lot of kids have executive functioning issues, which means that planning and everything else, and it goes into the gross motor and other things like that. So it's looking at how to do a sequence, but how to break down the sequence. So there's a whole toolkit that goes with it, a vision. Like, um, a choice board, how they could choose what they want to do. And then also down to like the actual schedule that they're going to do. But, you know, for example, some people don't realize like getting in a downward dog, how many steps that takes. And for some kids that's very hard. But if you're being able to work on the core, you're going to be able to get more proprioceptive, and then you'll be able to focus a little bit more. And then also there's a lot of breathing exercises to make it less, um, so it's not so, you know, What does it, what does it mean, right?

Yeah. Yeah. So is this something parents can find online?

Yeah. So I have, it's a 10-hour teacher training that I do. So, um, yeah, I'm, I should, I'll be doing one this summer. And so if you could just go to my website, vanessacolone.com, and you could find a lot of stuff there on there. And then plus the 3 Rs we'll be doing, which is a mixture of both of them with the language and then the self-regulation piece.

Amazing. You're doing so many things. Successful podcast, successful school. Let's, let's talk about your podcast and your book.

Yes. Uh-oh, did you read— listen to the last one?

I did. I, you know, it's so funny, when I reread your bio this morning, I was like, darn it, I wanted to check out your podcast. So I'm gonna do that next. So I'm going to be listening to you in the car next.

Okay. Well, I had a mini breakdown on my last one this week.

That's okay. That's okay.

Yeah, I had a mini breakdown. I was talking, and I guess we just keep talking about this little boy that seems to, like, know when the one that's like, goes, oh, that needs that intense, like, feedback. But yeah, there was a moment where he— we had a moment.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I just found out at that time my brother passed away. So overdose that day. So sorry. We're estranged. It's a weird— it's such a weird— like, life is just— just throws so many things at you sometimes. And I went into work, which I probably shouldn't have, and he was in the mood. You know, those kids that need to really explode. He's my baby. And then it was like he's holding it together till I walk in the door. And then here we go.

The safe person is here.

The safe place. But I'm not.

And you're not there today. Yeah.

And so we're going in and sometimes if there is a safety issue, I will do a hold. And I feel like he wanted that hold as a way of touch, but he didn't want to admit that. He wanted that, right? And so where I took it, right when we're going into it, I just started crying. I just lost it. And I said, look at me. And he turned around and he was ready to punch me. And he just sees me sobbing and he just came over and held me. And we've never had any incident like that again. And it was almost that moment of having to— like, I'm real. And that was about the podcast. It's like, as a professional, being open to say, like, you know what? Yeah, I do all these things, but I'm also still human. And these kids see me as someone like they see— they're like, oh, is there another award coming to you? Is there another something else? Like, what is this? Yeah. They see my books, they see me doing things, and then it's like, yeah. And then 2 months later, my grandma dies, and he goes, do you need the emotional support, Vanessa?

And I'm all I'm good, thank you. Oh my gosh.

Like, to me, like, that to me, I, I'm glad I went to work that day. I'm glad this whole thing went down how it did. We grew together, you know. We— that, and that's again the relationship building. Yeah, that's how I would want him to be later on in life with somebody that needs it, or a friend, or anything like that.

That is a wonderful story. That's not what I thought you were going to say when you're like, I had a breakdown.

I had a breakdown.

I had—

I don't know what happened. I was just like this. I just want to talk about this story with this kid because he, you know, he came in, he was like, on Monday, like, I'm going to make all these lunches and I'm going to cook food for everybody. And it's like the growth that I'm seeing, like, like, screw academics. Like, you can go and figure out the world eventually on your own. But if you can't, like, be a good, nice, kind person, like, what are we doing?

I only wish that that was more part of the day. Than what is going on at school all day, right?

Well, my kids end up getting out of work a lot with me. Yeah. And I was like, can you like stay out during a lesson? I was like, I really want to go get a hot chocolate. Can we go? I'll go.

I mean, that's the stuff that is so adorable. That is relationship building for sure. Okay, what do we need to cut What phrases do we need to cut from our parent vocabulary? I must know this.

Um, you're being naughty.

That drives me crazy. Oh, yep.

Yep. I mean, so, and like, or that was a really bad choice you made, you know? Well, not, I like the choices. Like, I like staying with like, what, what was the different choices that you can make?

Yeah.

But you're being bad.

Yeah.

And I mean, I think things like that, are, you know, you're crying or you're being too sensitive, diminishing like that person's feelings. Yeah, but I see this around the holidays a lot, like, oh, Santa's not going to come because I've been bad. What?

Oh, I hate when I hear that.

Like, just the threats too. I think being able to understand that when a child does something, making sure that the— I don't want to say consequences, but the consequence matches what that was versus like like totally threatening and taking everything away.

Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, like, yep, yep, yep.

And sometimes I will say, like, I'll hear myself say something that I know was not a correct choice, and I will say, oh, I don't like what I just said, I'm gonna try again, right?

But at least say it out loud. Yes, right? So if you see it out loud, then it doesn't become— it's not like Oh, look, you're not perfect. And then sometimes parents are like, you're going to lose the iPad for like, you know, 3 days. Are you kidding? Then you don't get a break. Think about it.

We're punishing ourselves.

Like, but like, make sure, like, okay, now I understand if they did something around like not listening around screen time or they did, then that you would take that away on that with that piece, right? That makes sense. But if they're doing something else, this is the thing that drives me crazy. If you do something at school, why? And you have the consequence at school, why can't you have it at home? That drives me nuts.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I like that. That's true. That is true.

It's like, why? Why? And then I had— I did a consultation and I met this family. I don't think the dad really cared for me. Either like me or you don't. Like, it's very simple. Like, it's like I'm not either. Oh, she's great. She's going to help me out, or I can't handle that. The truth. And they were asked to cancel their camping trip for a kid that was hitting another kid. And I'm all, the kid's 5 years old, number one. Number 2 is impulsivity issues. And number 3, what? And they did.

No way.

They did. They did. Oh, I had some feelings about that. And I think the dad was like, okay, she's not coming back around, which is fine. But I'm like, what, what is the school doing? It doesn't make sense.

I agree.

Like, if your partner gets in trouble at work, are they going to call your wife? You know what I mean? Like, is it going to call? Like, it doesn't like What are you going to like deduct money?

Like, oh my gosh, you really get it. I mean, these kids are lucky to have you. I hope you know that.

No, thank you. But that's also the thing. And one of the biggest things that my— with my— around my interventions was forgiveness, right? So like what happened on Tuesday stays on Tuesday. And it's been very hard for teachers that I've trained to be like, well, they did something 2 weeks ago and I'm all, get over it.

It was just—

yeah. Like, it's like, I don't want to hear about this again. So I feel like once we can let that go, that it's a new day. The kid's not being heard. Like, it's almost like, well, I'm not going to hit. I'm not going to do these things. I go to school, I'm like, just stop it. Just say I'm going to try to make better choices. That's it. When you're telling a kid not to hit as they're walking in the door, what's in their mind? I'm not going to hit. They're going to hit. They are going to hit again. It's like, well, that's the story that everybody says that I do versus saying, are we going to try not to hit today? What do you think? You think you can do it by 11:00? And then when 11 hits, okay, wow, 11. Do you think that we need to go on a walk or something to make it till 12 after lunch? And then when they feel good about themselves, right? But then you also have— and this is what I don't think people understand, is that once a child starts to feel really good about themselves and they haven't before, they self-sabotage. So it's almost they feel good. So you have to bring some normalcy back in. Like, okay, go do the dishes or do something else. Like, there it's almost like they have a really good day at Disneyland, the next day this shit.

Yeah. Sorry for the cussing, but it's totally okay. It's totally okay. Oh my goodness. Well, you are so much fun and you know, I could talk to you all day.

Yeah. Well, thank you for having me.

Oh my gosh. Is there anything else that you wanna share before we talk about where everyone can find you?

Right. Well, I think the, the biggest thing is like How to Be Parenting with Confidence, the book right there, cuz all the tips in there. And it's like you can literally— I tell parents, well, if you have to go to the bathroom and you're looking for like a quick, like, 2-second thing to get, it's a very simple read and it's very specific tools because my dyslexia, like, you're not going to get— and like, I need specifics, like, bring it to me. But yeah, that's about it.

So they can find your books and your program and everything on your website. Yes.

Which is Vanessa, V-A-N-E-S-S-A-K-A-H-L-O-N.com. And on Amazon too. So, and then I just came up with a self-care journal for teachers.

Ooh.

Yeah. Which is actually really cool of that. It's a 3-month way of like when a behavior happens in the classroom, how did you take care of yourself? And the question is, how is it not personal to you? Because I think we as teachers take things so personally. Again, love taps.

I, I will remember that. Love taps.

I'm telling you, it changes everything.

It's gonna de-escalate my brain, that's for sure.

Right. And, or just take a break and be like, I need to get outta here.

Oh my gosh. Well, you are wonderful and I'm gonna, I'm gonna let you go to work and let your kids have you next. But thank you so much for your time.

I appreciate it. Thanks for having me. I really, really, it was been fun.

This is Rebecca Green reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, Go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.