Episode 265: Parenting Triggers are Often Invitations for Deeper Healing and Growth

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the first Winey Palooza Parenting and Marriage Summit, and I have the privilege of introducing Dr. Laura Froyen. Laura, thank you so much for being here with us today.

Oh, thanks for having me, and thanks for doing this summit this way. I feel like this is such a unique thing. I— most of the time when summits are happening, everything's pre-recorded and you don't actually get to interact with people that you're trying to learn from. And so it's, it's just super cool that you're doing it this way. Thank you for that.

Well, I can take zero credit. Um, my husband, Mr. Seth Green, is our producer. So thank you, Seth, for designing it this way. And I'm going to introduce you and your fantasticness. Um, Dr. Laura received her PhD in human development and family studies with an emphasis in couple and family therapy from Michigan State University in 2014. While pursuing her doctorate, she worked as a couple and family therapist in the state of Michigan, helping families navigate difficult times. Her research focused on how marital and family relationships influence parenting and child development. She continued this research at the University of Wisconsin-Madison as an assistant professor of HD FS. There's so many initials today. Extension as an early childhood and parenting specialist, and she's going to talk to us about parenting and partnering triggers are often invitations for deeper healing and growth. So how amazing does that sound? Thank you so much. This sounds like a fantastic topic.

Yeah, you know, it's so beautifully in line with what Judy was just talking about too, right? So Judy was talking about how our partners can kind of uniquely call us into growth, into healing, and I'm going to talk about that from the kids' from the parenting perspective, talking a little bit about how we, we tend to get exactly the kids we need to do our most kind of growing. So I would love to know a little bit just from, from you all, if it's okay. I'm a very like interactive teacher. I would— I wish we could all just be in a room together so I could see you and hear from you. But I would love to know what ages of kiddos you have and why this topic was interesting to you, why you're curious about this, learning and growing from your triggers. You know, I was just talking with a client yesterday that it feels sometimes like resources for once kids turn 5 or 6, the resources for them just go way down. And so I'm so glad to see some of the older, you know, kids with our families with older kids here. So I'm so happy to see you here. And I think that you need support too, because of course, as our kids age, new things come up and we as grownups are kind of like these onions in layers and the toddler years kind of put us through this crucible of change and growth and healing. And then this new layer comes off and we have more stuff to do. So I feel like every age that my child go through, it reveals to me more and more work I have to do. Does anybody else feel that way? Yeah, I mean, it's just— it just— the work is ongoing. And I think that that's one thing that I really hope that you'll come away from this time with me today. Is that coming around to the idea that that's actually not a problem, that there's— this is a lifelong process, a lifelong journey of getting to know yourself, learning how to be compassionate and graceful with yourself, and growing up alongside your kids. It's not something that's ever just done. It's something that we are committed to doing. And this is one of the big purposes of being here, of living this life, is learning how to love yourself unconditionally. And be kind to yourself and accept yourself. And, and our kids can be beautiful partners in doing that. Of course, it's not their job. Their job is to be kids, but they just happen to show us where, where we have work and healing to do. Okay. So I'm just going to introduce myself first. I'm, I'm Laura. I'm a wife and mother. I've got two kiddos. They are 10 and almost 8. I do have my PhD in human development and family studies with a specialization in marriage and family therapy. I have a podcast called The Balanced Parent, and I create online programs and courses for overwhelmed and disconnected parents. So I love working with families. I think— I guess I just have so much respect and compassion for parents who are really working hard to unlearn what they need to unlearn and learn new ways of showing up for themselves and for their families. And lots of the families that I'm working with are what I call inflection point families. They're the point in their family line where their family's trajectory is going to change. They are engaging in the process of multigenerational healing. And I just love walking alongside families in that place. Yeah, Magda says, reparenting yourself is the hardest work there is in parenting. Yes, exactly. And that's really what I want to talk about with you all today and look Looks like my slide didn't download the rest of what we're gonna be covering today. Sorry about that. But one, one slide didn't come all the way through when I downloaded them. Well, you know, we're all human, right? This is a— see, so this is a moment where I'm feeling a little— my perfectionist side of me is awake and alive and is talking to me, wondering about how you're gonna perceive me over having this slide not download correctly. And then this is a chance. This is an opportunity for the kind and loving part of myself to reparent me. If this had happened, a small mistake like this had happened growing up, I would have been— someone would have been hard on me. I would have been told I was careless, thoughtless. I actually have ADHD. And so now I know that I really just had a— had some struggles that were going on for me, but I would have had some narratives coming down, handed down to me about something like this happening. And in this moment right now, I'm reparenting myself in my own head. So this is beautiful that this is happening just right now. That I'm able to say, actually, you know what, having a moment where the people I get to teach and walk alongside see my humanity, see my imperfectness is a good thing. I'm getting to have an opportunity to be kind to myself. Thank goodness every single day I have the opportunity to show myself compassion and grace. And here is another chance. So there it is. You know, this is, this is the active work. This is what I want to talk with you today, because every single day We have moments in time where life shows us little wounds. They shine, you know, our kids are really good at this. Our kids are, I always say our kids are super good at cracking us open and shining a light on all the wounded places that we have. But that's what our triggers are, is really just the way that our brains and our bodies let us know, hey, there's work to do here. Right. So, okay, we're— I mean, that's what we're doing today. We're going to be talking about reframing parenting triggers as opportunities and invitations for deeper healing and growth. And then we're going to talk a little bit about how exactly to do that. I can't teach you like the whole, the whole process, but I'm going to give you some very practical tools and then I'm going to give you some, some ways that you can go about getting some more support on that. Okay. All right. So let's go ahead. So I just want to just start off right at the very beginning that there's no such thing as a perfect parent. We are all works in progress. We all make mistakes. And actually, what the research on child development and parenting tells us is that striving for perfection should not actually even be where our focus is. For the most part, we need to be focused on good enough. That good enough parenting is what produces the best outcomes for kids. And by being the imperfect humans that we are so naturally, we have a wonderful opportunity to make mistakes and then repair, make mistakes and repair. You know, for anybody who works out and lifts weights, you know that after a really good workout or good weights lifting session, the next day your muscles are kind of sore. And that's because there's been little micro tears in your muscles and your body is rebuilding them. That's what, what builds strong and resilient relationships too. So those little ruptures and repairs that we do over the course of the day of being human and making mistakes all build strong foundation, little relationships that we can have with our kids, not just when they're young, but as they get older. So yes, Magda is saying, I never had the repair as a child, so it's hard to do now. It is. It is hard, but you can learn. And one of the resources that I am going to share with you at the end, I think should help with that too. Okay. So I just wanted to be clear on that first of all. I am not a perfect parent. I guarantee none of you are there. I make plenty of mistakes every day. There's definitely things that I wish I did better in my parenting. And my biggest goal in my parenting is so— is that my kids know and that I'm walking the walk of being kind to myself in the midst of my humanity. That's really what I want my kids to see me doing as a parent. Okay. So let's dive in because we're talking about triggers today, parenting triggers. So, so often when our kids are pushing our buttons, we think that we need to focus on them, on their behavior. What's going on for them? Why are they acting this way? How can I get them to stop? Why won't they listen? And we focus, we turn that focus on them. And you've had some really great reminders today to get the bigger picture for what's going on for kids and support them. I loved Alana's talk. And we also— I forget the names of the first couple people, but really taking a look at ourselves too. And that's what I want us to be focusing on now. And not even just on the person who has the button that's being pushed, but I'd like us to look at the button that's being pushed. Now, there's a way to move through respectful parenting where you just kind of pretend you don't have any buttons and your kids find them and they start pushing them and you just kind of pretend and hide them from them. That, I mean, I call that white knuckling through the is just like, "Oh, stuff it down. Pretend it's not happening." And I don't want us doing that either. I want us to actually look at the buttons and heal the buttons so that those buttons don't exist anymore. Yeah. So we're not pretending the buttons don't exist. We're acknowledging the buttons and eventually, hopefully getting to a place where we're thanking the buttons for being there and showing us where we have work to do. So maybe you've already said in here a little bit, but I'd love to know like what makes it What makes you lose it? What triggers you? What are the things that get under your skin? One, I'll share, I'll share one of mine. One of mine. So I'm known for saying that obedience is not the goal. Compliance is not the goal. The relationship is the goal. That is one of my personal mantras as a parenting expert that I teach. And it's because I need it. Because when my children put out direct defiance to me. No, I'm not doing it and you can't make me. That is one of my biggest buttons. Taking things from siblings, having to repeat myself, too much noise, being ignored. Oh, yes, yes. All of those things. So those are also common. You are not alone. Yes, yes, yes. All of those things. Talking back. All of those things. Yes. And those are the things that I, that I hear the most. One is that kids aren't listening. The other one is that there's safety issues. And then there are the triggers that we have. So safety issues are like riding in their bike without a helmet, that type of thing, or running in the parking lot. The top two we can't cover today because those are the topic of an entire course that I, that I teach that is a part of my membership. So we're just going to focus in on the triggers today. And what those are telling us, because those triggers have important information for us. Okay, so triggers tend to fall into a couple of categories: unmet needs, loss of control, feeling unheard, worries or fears about the kids' futures, about how others are perceiving us, Let's see, stories and narratives that we might have constructed over time as we are children growing up. We develop what are called internal working models of ourselves and others, and they help us know how to survive in the world. They help us make predictions for kind of how people are going to treat us and our position in the world and kind of what we need to do to stay lovable and connected to others, because for the human animal, connection equals survival. So connection is one of the strongest kind of survival imperatives that human beings have. And so we learn very young how to keep ourselves connected, how to be good enough. And if we have those feelings of not being good enough, not being worthy, not for some reason being unlovable, we learn what we need to do to keep ourselves being perceived as lovable. So all of those stories and those narratives can kind of come up with our kids. We also sometimes have old patterns and habits that kind of come out. And really that comes down to the— our efficiency-seeking brains. So we're gonna talk about our brains in just a minute. But yes, those kind of projecting into the future, worrying about those things, telling ourselves a story about what's gonna happen, all of the things that are going on in our brain. And I'm gonna slow us down and really dig into what's happening with those triggers. Because all of those things that you are listing here, and they're beautiful and varied and also very common, and they all make so much sense. They're there for a reason. You get triggered by those things for a reason. Perhaps if you are, you know, feeling not listened to or not heard, where no, like everybody's just ignoring you. Maybe that happened to you as a child where it felt like you really didn't have much of a voice in your home growing up. And maybe as a kid you promised yourself, when I grow up, people are going to listen to me. And then here you are, grown up, and the most important people in your lives, the people who are supposed to listen to you, aren't. That can feel really disconcerting and really hard. And so looking at those things, taking a look at understanding that these triggers are, are a little window, they're a little picture, they're a little like alert bell, something's not right here, something's happening. Sometimes they are are, you know, just an indicator that we're not taking good enough care of ourselves in this moment in time, that we haven't eaten enough today or had enough water today, or that we haven't had enough downtime or solitude or quiet for ourselves. So there's definitely some triggers that are not about old wounds, but all triggers are an indication that something's going on for us that we need to take a look at. I'm going to be talking more about the old wounds that need healing today. But if you do have questions about the kind of figuring out what my unmet needs are or things that are in the moment, we can always talk about that if you'd like to. Okay, so let's talk about our brains and why the brain is important when it comes to triggers. So our brains have a natural desire for wholeness and healing. They want to be healthy and working well. They also want to be efficient. Our brains are amazing, and because of how amazing they are, sometimes they can do things like Candace triggers. Because they just are alerting to us like, oop, there's work to do here. Oop, there's something to heal. We wanna be whole and healthy. And so here it is, kind of notice me, notice me, notice me. Let's get to work. And then the other thing that brains do is that they really strive for efficiency. The goal for lots of parts of our brain is for actually for things to move very quickly inside it. And so if our brain has neurons that are firing together consistently over time, they will wire up and form a very strong pathway. Sometimes called a neural groove that goes very quickly, very fast. And those, you can find those neural grooves in a lot of different places. One of the most common ones that parent, when that people get kind of become aware of them is when they've made a change to something that they do every day but find themselves having a hard time going back and find themselves going back to the thing. So just as an example, when my one daughter moved from one preschool to another because she— we moved her to a different place. Gosh, for the first 2 months of that, after that move, about once a week, I found myself driving to her old place instead of her new one, just because kind of on the superhighway of my brain that, you know, you get in the car, you go to school, that's the way you go. And that's your brain being efficient. This happens even more so when you're triggered because it's actually adaptive for your brain to turn off the critical thinking part of your brain, right? So we've talked a little bit about of the brain, but that part that does all the rational thinking, the logical decision-making, all of those things. It's— it is a survival mechanism to turn that part of the brain off and start reacting fast to keep you safe. And when you're triggered, that's what happens. The higher order thinking goes offline and you start reacting out of, you know, patterns that you've learned over time will keep you safe. And a lot of the things that we experienced as kids are around safety, is around safety in kind of connection. So as— and we all have these. I'm just checking on the, on the chat. I want to— and I do want to be clear on the time too. Okay, so I'll keep us— hopefully I'll keep us moving. So the good news is, is that you can reshape the neural grooves in your brain. You can re-pattern your brain. It just takes a little bit of effort because your brain loves efficiency. The more awareness awareness and conscious effort you put into thinking new things or thinking in a different way, your brain will be like, okay, so we used to think this and now we're thinking this. We used to think this and now we're thinking this. Okay, fine. We may as well just think this right from the very beginning because it's cumbersome to, to think of one way and then think another way. And your brain does not like to do something cumbersome. It wants to be efficient. So we can harness that brain, your brain's capability in doing that. It just takes some practice and it takes some conscious awareness. Willingness of thinking something new. Okay, so instead of getting onto this, you know, onto this part of the highway, I'm now going on to this side road because this is where I'm thinking now. And pretty soon that path, that new path becomes more and more wired up together and becomes more second nature and it becomes more habitual. And the way you do that is learning how to get that pause in the moment, becoming aware of the thoughts that are flowing through your mind, soothing yourself. And practicing outside of the moment. So let's dig into that a little bit. And I just want to kind of share an example from my own family, if that's okay with you. Okay. So I have 2 kids, one who when she is kind of stressed or doesn't want to do something, is feeling a little kind of like she doesn't— she kind of wants to say no and not do something. She gets silly. So I don't know if any of you have those kids, but like when it's like bedtime, instead of like getting into bed, she'll get goofy and silly. So it's not outright defiance, it's silliness. And I know for some families that type of silliness can be really triggering for them. But for me personally, when I was a child, my silliness was valued in my family. It was seen as a positive trait and it actually served to connect me and my family. So when I see my child's silliness, I relate to it well and positively. The little girl inside me sits up and says, "Oh, there's something that makes people love you more. That's a good thing. I'm so glad my daughter is showing that." that and we connect and enjoy it. It's not triggering for me at all. It might be for some of you guys, though. It might be for some of you all if you had the kid like that and if maybe you were that way or you had a sibling who was that way and you saw them being punished for it or you saw your parent being really impatient with it, then you get information from that. You learn that, that being that way isn't okay. And then you see it in the moment with your kids and you think, that's not okay. We got to get that to stop. They have to learn it's not okay. And then there you go. That's not the case for me, right? So we all have different relationships with all of these things. There's no one good behavior or bad behavior. It's all based in context. So as I mentioned before, my other child who can be a little obedient or disobedient, not disobedient, you know, have defiance in her, a fiery defiance that is triggering for me because as a child when I was a spirited, strong-willed little one and I said out engage in outright defiance, I heard things like, "Don't say no to your mother." And so when that comes up for me with my own child, the little one inside me, little Laura, gets scared, gets nervous, not just for me because she feels like she's going to lose love from her parent. She gets nervous for my own daughter too. She gets nervous for this beautiful child who my whole family system, my whole inside system loves and adores. And wants only good things for her. She starts thinking, oh my gosh, if she talks to her mom like that, she's going to get yelled at and get happy, have people be mad at her. People aren't going to like her. And my little, little Laura inside doesn't know that there's a new mom in town. She doesn't know that, that actually Grandma, the person who actually was doing all of those things in the beginning, has changed completely. She doesn't know. Our inner children are so in the moment and they don't understand that we've grown up and that we're the ones in charge now. And so in moments like that, it's, it's triggering and challenging for me. Of course, my mom is an amazing mom and she never meant to imply that I am— that I would lose her love or that her love was anything other than unconditional. But children aren't rational like that. And a child has a tendency to misinterpret some of the behaviors that their parents are putting out there. A child doesn't know that most parents' behaviors are about the parents' wounds and not necessarily about the child. So my inner child gets triggered because she sees herself in my daughter and she feels that fear and loathing for the parts of herself that are— have made her difficult and hard to love, that she thinks have made her difficult and hard to love and put her at risk her whole life from her perspective of losing love. And the second fear is that my beautiful child out in front of me, the one out in the world, is going to also be at at risk for losing that love. And so when those moments when I'm being unconscious, the words of my mother bubble up out of me, stop that right now, don't say no to your mother, right? And that's the work. It's that moment when now, after having worked on this for a long time, I'm able to feel the tightness in my chest, how it feels in my body when I feel that starting to come up. I know how to soothe myself. Adult Laura, and I know how to soothe the little Laura who's inside with me. That takes time and practice. So when I first started doing this, I would say things like, "Stop that right now." And then I'd catch myself only afterwards. And over time with practice and lots of work, I catch it before. So I don't say those things anymore. And so now when my child says things that probably some of you might perceive as backtalk, It does nothing to me. It's all it is, is information. You— she doesn't like how she's being treated right now. She's a human being. She has every right to not like how she's being treated and to let me know. In time, she'll learn more socially acceptable ways of telling me that as she gets older. But right now I can just be with her and I don't have to get triggered with it because my little one inside knows that she's safe. So yeah, anyway, okay, so those are— that's an example. And it's not easy to do, but it is— it's good work. It's good, meaningful work, and it is doable. So I really want to just kind of drive home that these triggers that we've all been talking about, that we've been— you've been putting here in the chat, and I've been loving seeing you all supporting each other in— those are all opportunities opportunities for you to grow. Those triggers are evidence of some pain or wound that needs to be embraced, accepted, acknowledged, and appreciated with gratitude, opened it up to, called in, and then we can really kind of heed that call to deeper healing. When we focus outward on trying to get the child to change, just kind of get through things, white-knuckle through it, pretend it's not there, We're ignoring the beautiful opportunity to come to know ourselves on a deeper level and to come to know the truth that we always have been and always were worthy of unconditional love, dignity, and respect and grace. That nothing we could say or do as a child or even as an adult changes that fundamental truth that we are all born worthy of compassion and understanding. And those are beautiful things to be just to be aware of and to know. And it's hard. And that's what the healing does for you. So again, it's not our kids' job to— I think sometimes we think it's our kids' jobs to do anything other than being kids. It's not. But I do think we get exactly the kids we need. I think another, you know, if my kids were in a different household, they would push other buttons on other— on the parents because the parents have different buttons. I think I have kids who are uniquely suited to me to help me do the work I need to do. It's not their responsibility. They're just being kids. But it is my responsibility to recognize when I have work, when I have things that I need to do to grow up alongside them. So how are we doing on time? Cause I know we started late. You take the time you need. You are doing fantastic. Okay. Sorry. Is that okay, honey? I should, I should have asked you before I said that.

No, I'm fine with whatever Dr. Laura needs.

Okay. I, I'm hopefully, I just wanna make sure that we are giving, you know, that I'm helpful for people. So, in the moment, things that we can be doing, because that's the big thing, right? Getting that pause, becoming aware in the moment is one of the hardest Right? Okay, good. All right. So just raising the awareness. So right now you are all at the very least at the level of awareness. You know you have triggers, you know that they're there. And at some point in the process of the— in the midst of the trigger, you recognize what's happening, even if it's a little while afterwards. So that is good. That's the first step. Okay? Then you need to learn how to self-regulate and not stuff. We hear so much about self-regulation for kids, how we need to teach them how to calm their bodies and all of those things. And the truth is, most of us as adults don't know how to do that. We stuff our feelings with food or we numb out with social media and Netflix, and we don't actually know how to take good care of our nervous systems. So building in some healthy self-soothing practices is the very first thing you should do if you want to be doing this work. If you really want to understand that your kids are calling you to to healing and to growth, that first step is learning to tune into your nervous system and take good loving care of yourself. I think it's really important to do that outside of the moment as well as in the moment. You know, people who play professional sports don't just like hop onto the field and not practice all week and expect to, to do well, right? They practice over and over. They process, they go through what's not working, they, you know, they make adjustments. We have to be committed in the same way to the work that we're doing in our lives. There's very little in this world, I believe, that is more important than the parenting work you all are doing. You are literally creating a world that is more compassionate and kind by committing to this type of work. I mean, just raising this next generation of children who I just have so much hope and faith in. It's important. It's a calling. It's a vocation. It's— it matters. And not just because of that, just because you are worthy of it too. You are worthy and deserving of a nervous system that feels regulated and soothed and good and safe. So learning how to do that for yourself, whether that is yoga or meditations. I love really small loving kindness meditations. I have one that that I'll share with you at the end of this so you can download for free. But I just doing, doing just a small moment of here I am. One that I teach my kids is a, it's called a thymus thump. So you have a vein that runs through here that helps regulate your heart rate. And so doing a little thump here on your chest with your fingers kind of curved like this on here and doing, Here I am. I am here. I am safe. I am loved. I like doing this with my kids. One of my kids does not like it. The other one does. But here I am. I am here. I am safe. I am loved. It's a very good grounding exercise. It can get you nicely back into your body. Sometimes doing it just up here too can be nice too, to kind of get you back into your thinking brain. Here I am. I am here. I am safe. I am loved. Just right up in here. Um, and so finding things that work for you, things that you will do. Um, mindfulness is just learning how to drop into the present moment and be aware of something that you've decided to focus on. Um, if you are in my community already, you might know that we're doing our 30 Days of Play Challenge where I use observing your child's play as an invitation for mindfulness. Mindfulness, where you drop in for 5 to 10 minutes and just focus on observing their play. You can do mindfulness— most of the— when we hear mindfulness, it's focused on breathwork, but you can do a mindfulness exercise while you're washing the dishes, really paying attention to what the dish feels like in your hand and what the water feels like as it runs over your hands and how the soap changes the texture of things. You know, just really noticing. That's what mindfulness is. It does not need to be complicated or a lot. You know, I saw a few people saying 50 or 5 minutes a day, even less than that. I do a loving compassion or loving kindness meditation whenever I'm at a red light in the car. Just choose someone around me that I can see in the car and send them loving kindness. So there's lots of ways to build this kind of into the fabric of your day so that it's then accessible in the moment to get that pause when you need it. Learning how to regulate yourself is one of the most beautiful things you can do. Yeah, I see some people saying that they, that they, they get kind of addicted to their phone and everything. And yes, I totally understand that. I'm, you know, I think that our phones and our social media, they are designed in a way very intentionally to give us a quick hit of dopamine and make us feel better. And so it makes complete sense if for any of you who kind of find yourselves going for the pulling out of the phone to get that dopamine hit when you're feeling a little dysregulated, it makes complete sense with the phones, you know, all of our apps and everything were designed exactly to do that for you because of course advertisers want you coming to the app because that's how they make their money, right? So what I've found for me personally is having my home screen be a short little meditation, or sometimes I have a— this is an old phone cover that has— this is like a snow globe phone cover, and you can just use this for mindfulness too. So you can watch the glitter settle. You know how they make those calm jars for kids? Sometimes you can get phone covers like that. And so when I'm waiting in line at a grocery store, instead of pulling out my phone and checking Instagram, I will pull out my phone and look at the back of it. But my phone case and just do a little bit of a mindfulness practice. So building it into the fabric of your day really is what's going to help you the most. Then afterwards, when you've had the triggers and you have time to process things, you really need to start getting clear on the stories and narratives and thoughts that are emerging in these moments. And that's hard at first because most of the time your brain is like this superhighway where things are moving really, really quickly. The thoughts and stuff are all flowing fast and you're reacting before you've even had a chance to become aware that you're having the thoughts. Humans have something like, you know, 60,000 thoughts a day, and we're really only aware of a very small fraction of them. And so becoming aware of the thoughts that are kind of running in the background of your mind on a daily basis is really important. Keeping a journal, writing them down after these triggers— what was I thinking to myself? And don't let your thoughts sneak up on you. So if you know you right now, you know, I've asked you call to tell me your triggers. You've all done a beautiful job of identifying them. Now you know they're there, right? So now you can, after this, before they ever happen again, you can sit down and say, okay, so what am I thinking when that happens? So get, get curious, not furious. Ask yourself some of these journal questions. And this is a good one to screenshot just in case. Or at the end, I'll share a link where you can grab my Yelling Recovery Workbook, where I invite you to do some of these kind of the thought work involved in this. So getting really curious with yourself about what was going on, what story am I telling myself, you know, what is also true, you know. So like, for example, I'm really annoyed with my child and I hate when she talks back to me. What's also true in that moment? I appreciate— I do most of the time appreciate that she has a strong opinion and that she's not afraid to tell me. That's good. You know, I want her— I want her to trust me that she can, you know, give me feedback, you know. So there's always alternative truths, alternative ways of seeing things. So sitting down with yourself and having a little bit of a conversation about those things. I always recommend actually journaling with a pen and pencil or paper and pencil. Your brain interacts with those materials differently than typing either on your phone or on the computer. And you process things much differently when using a physical pencil and paper or pen pen and paper. Um, so if you're able to do that, I highly recommend it. Um, the next thing too is to start visualizing these moments. So getting yourself, um, prepared. All professional athletes spend time using their psychology, their brains, to make them better at their, at their sport. Um, there's no reason for you not to do those things too. So if you know where the landmines are in your day, spend some time in the morning. So if morning, for example, is a tricky time getting everybody out house, the first 2 minutes before you get out of bed, visualize the beautiful, smooth morning that you know you can have. Figure out how you're going to handle it when they do push back because they will, because they're kids and that's their job. Plan it out, be really, really goal-oriented with that. Then you have to build a new default. You need to have a two-pronged approach to that, you need to start working with your thoughts and your narratives. And you also need to do the inner child healing and reparenting that we've talked a little bit about today. And those things kind of need to happen simultaneously, working with the thoughts and the narratives. And sometimes when they're doing that, you become aware of the little ones who are thinking the things, and then you can start reparenting them in the moment, reassuring them, you know, so, you know, at the beginning, when my daughter would say, you know, no to me, and I— that kind of that defiance trigger would come up, I'd be able to— I would have to kind of take a a second and say to my little Lauren, say, I know if we had done that, we would have gotten yelled at, but this little girl is not going to get yelled at. Watch, listen. And then I would say, you know, do my respectful parenting thing with my daughter and we would move on. And then I would check in with her. Did you hear? Did you see? She didn't get yelled at. See, it's going to be okay. She's allowed to push back in our house. I know that wasn't okay when you were a little girl, but it's okay now, you know. So that kind of that back and forth, it can be very Okay. Yeah. So we're out of time. I just wanna just say that if you wanna learn more about, about these things, you can check out this link, laurafreyn.com/whiny. And I have my Yelling Recovery Workbook there. I have a podcast episode that I think would be really good on this topic. If you wanna dig in, I have it linked there and I have some information about my membership community if you want to join us and have conversations like this all the time. Okay, sorry.

No, don't apologize. All good. All very good stuff. I took a lot of notes and I was going to tell you my takeaways, but I have so many I'm not sure where to start. I have to tell you that I'm always thinking about being my own friend, but I never really think about being my own parent. I love that.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, and reparenting yourself is such an interesting thing too. Like, it doesn't need to just happen during triggers either. Like, when I'm on a doom scroll on TikTok and it's like 9:30 at night and I need to go to bed, like, I need to be my own mom. I need to be like, okay, Laura, I know that you're having fun, but now it's time to sleep. Otherwise you'll be grumpy in the morning, you know? Like, it's okay.

And I think everyone is going to agree with me in the chat, but if you lived in my head, with your peaceful, calm voice, I would have a different day.

Laura, we know your time is incredibly valuable. We greatly appreciate you spending some of it with us. We will go send everyone to laurafroyan.com/whiny. We have a $500 hotel gift card to give away to Selena V. Selena V, I don't know how to pronounce your last name. Congratulations! Um, we will get you your $500 gift card, and we greatly appreciate Dr. Laura. Virtual round of applause for Dr. Laura.

Laura, Dr. Laura, thank you so much. Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode.

While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Listening.

Until next time.

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