Episode 283: I Can’t Help Myself

Hello everyone, welcome to Winey Palooza Wednesday. Do I sing?

No, I do not. Do not sing. Nope. Hello.

She's a little punchy, ladies and gentlemen.

Um, it's been a non-stop day and I continue to wake up with wine.

Right now.

Okay, it didn't work last week.

Well, it's freaking working right now.

I wanted to ask you before we went live, but we've got a lot of balls in the air.

Yes. A lot of them.

So, yeah, so I'm going to try to refocus myself. So I've been getting up before 6 o'clock.

Yeah.

Usually around 5.

Yeah.

So by 9 o'clock, you can imagine how I'm feeling after a very long day. How was your day?

Fabulous.

I was talking to the— I wasn't even home.

What are you talking about? You're fighting with Lily.

Okay, but I haven't been home.

I know, I miss you. That's why.

Okay, well, if, if, if that was really true, it would be sweet. But I literally— you walked in the door, I walked out the door. I haven't been home, so you have no complaints. And when Lily has been home, she's been cranky and stressed and fighting with me because, well, Seth, she's got cheerleading all night plus homework. And guess what? Picture day's tomorrow and she has no idea what she's wearing. So we're gonna do this and we're gonna talk over outfits and hairstyles and we're gonna talk about my topic. And then I'm gonna go be—

I'm gonna miss the whole thing.

I'm gonna go be calm And I'm going to be a beacon of serenity.

I don't think I've ever heard you use those words. Do you want some more? Do you want some Xanax or something?

No, I do not. Why not?

You'd be more serene.

You— he has been trying to be funny since he got home and he's, he's not reading the room.

Okay. I'll stop trying to be funny.

He's not reading the room. No, it's not.

Talk about how you can't help yourself.

Okay, we're going to talk about how I can't help myself, and then I'm going to go help Lily pick an outfit for picture day. Send me strength. Picture day is stressful. Picture day is stressful because she's going to want to look a certain way. It's not stressful with Max and Ella, they could care less, but Lily's going to want to look a certain way. She's going to want her hair a certain way. Okay, focusing on this.

Prepare yourself that you're gonna probably redo her hair like 3 times tomorrow morning before she's actually—

I don't have time. I have to leave at like 8. I don't have time.

I'll just have to do the triple French braid. That's all.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I'd love to see you do a French braid.

I cannot do a French braid. I don't even know what that is.

No, she's gonna want her hair curled, which takes like 15 minutes. So let's focus. Yes, on the topic.

There's a topic.

So, so there's a couple of reasons for for the topic. Things come up in my life and I write about them. So I can't seem to help myself. Call it the mother in me, call it the social worker in me. I, I always want to help. I always want to help. If you need something, I want to help. If my kids need something, if Seth needs something, if a friend needs something, if our parents need something, volunteer. And I'm always like, how can I help? How can I help? I want to help. It's just in my nature. And like, if there's a birthday, okay, do we have a cake? How are we celebrating? Where are we going? Like, I want—

That's somebody else's birthday. It's not your problem. They're responsible for figuring that out.

Okay, we're not gonna fight about that. But one of the things, one of the reasons that this came up was because of our neighbor moving. And yes, and God knows how many cats she had at her house. I don't know how many cats she moved with.

I don't know how many cats are still here, how many cats were strays that she was feeding and left behind because they weren't her cats, but she was feeding them.

I don't know anything. I have no details. I have bits and pieces that I'm collecting from the neighbors. I don't know. I know there's a stray cat. I know I've been feeding him. I know that I just want to take him in and love him. And if it wasn't for Seth— can you imagine? Let me finish my sentence.

All right.

If it wasn't for Seth, who I love dearly, who is very good for me and for so many reasons—

oh, that's a little bit of a save.

Well, if you would let me finish, you would be okay.

All right then.

If it wasn't for Seth, can you imagine how many kids and pets I would have?

With whom?

Can you imagine?

With whom?

With you.

If it wasn't for me, who were you having these kids with? The sperm bank you're going to?

Okay, let's rewind. If you didn't say no.

Oh yes, if I just gave in to your whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted it.

Like we would have another dog, we would have another cat. God knows how many. So no thanks. So I've been, I've been, my heart goes out to this cat. I don't know how many there are, but I know there's one that I keep seeing.

So far you've only bonded to one.

And so now I'm looking into the rescue and I didn't see him today, but I need to actually, another neighborhood, I actually need to find him to bring him to a rescue. And the rescue has to actually be able, be willing to take him. But we're not going to talk about the cat.

We're not.

It's just an example of the motivation behind the topic that I always want to help every single animal, every single person. And it's—

yeah, stop being so nice.

Well, it's not even about if there, if there is something wrong that involves me or doesn't involve me, I still insert myself.

Yes, you start twitching. Fix it.

Well, so, so two people have a problem Okay, so this is another example. Two people have a problem. Maybe it has nothing to do with me.

Usually it has nothing to do with me.

And I'm still asking how I can help. Now, how I can help—

And then you get bit in the butt.

Okay, so let's be a social worker and not just a mom who wants to help. A social worker would say, okay, you want to facilitate them fixing their problem. You don't fix their problem. Get them together. Have them—

That shouldn't even be your job.

I understand that. I can't help myself. It's something I'm working on.

I wonder what your— is this significant? Are you getting a sense of significance, growth, contribution, variety, all of them?

Okay, so certainty. It's addictive. Well, I'll tell you, I don't like seeing anyone upset. Okay, so if there is an issue, if someone needs something, if someone wants something, if someone has it, is having an issue with someone, I want to help and fix it. Um, there's a lot of reasons behind it.

This is not an invitation, people watching, to then ask her for help and put her in the middle of more stuff. This is a confession, and she's in recovery, and she's working on it.

I am not in recovery. I'm in the middle.

I mean, I'm just trying.

Did you hear what I just said?

I'm in the middle.

I just said it.

You did.

So the problem right here, folks, the problem that Seth and I have identified, you have to identify the problem.

Get out of denial.

Is that I put myself in the middle of things that have nothing to do with me. And sometimes people end up mad at me. And I wasn't even like the person doing the thing wrong.

You were just trying to help.

It's like sometimes when you try to help, backfires. You really shouldn't get involved at all.

I have told you sometimes to maybe not get involved or keep your mouth shut.

Yeah. So maybe we could work on that together.

Work together? You're going to put me in the middle of getting you out of the middle. I have tried to get you out of the middle. I've said, don't say anything, don't get involved. And you don't listen to me, my love, because you're too nice.

He has told— he has said to me, Stop volunteering for stuff. Don't go over there.

Yep.

Don't say anything.

Don't talk to them.

And I still did.

You did.

So sometimes—

If you just listened to me all the time, your life would be so much easier. We wouldn't be doing cheer. We wouldn't be doing this other thing.

Wait, so you wouldn't have let her do cheer? I told you not to do it. You did?

I did. Remember you told me about all these competitions and driving at night and school and all this stuff and we didn't have time?

Well, so—

It was gonna be stressful and then how she could do homework and get up in the morning. I said, so don't do it.

So don't make more work. As I told my friend Nikki today.

Yeah.

So her daughter has gymnastics all the time. My daughter, in the fall it's gonna end, has cheerleading. And I would, I would have less of an issue with it if the teachers weren't giving so much homework.

And teachers, don't they know the kids have extracurriculars?

No. Well, so if I'm more important than— so I want to tell you, if, if I had control control, because I don't know how much control the teachers have, because there's a curriculum and bop, bop, bop, bop. I don't know how much—

they're just making it up every day on the spot.

I think that they're following a curriculum. And I think that— so, so what I say is, if I was a teacher, I would say your homework is to join an extracurricular activity. Go join something. Yeah, that's not gonna happen. But I don't know.

I don't think they can— state will let them do— the country, what, Fed Education Department would let them do that.

I'm just saying that if there wasn't falling behind science and math anyway, if there wasn't homework, it would be easier.

True, that is very true, right?

Because I don't necessarily want my, uh, just turned 11-year-old to come home from cheer and now have homework to do, which she does. And I think she's in the shower, and I'm gonna wrap this up and go see what's going on. So fun. Okay, so Seth said to me Okay, so you've identified the issue and you can't seem to help yourself. So what are you going to do about it? He said—

I did say that. And Jamie says, depends on what it is. You have to use good judgment to know when to step in and when to stay clear. It's very hard to sit silently when you know there's an injustice. Not necessarily true.

Jamie, you need to sit by the same issue that I have. Yes, you and I have the same—

that's why she has 87 cats.

Jamie, um, also wants to help people, wants to get involved if someone needs something, wants to help. She has the same, and it's a wonderful— Jamie, it's wonderful. We are—

of all the problems you can have, it's a pretty good one.

I think we— the intentions are always good. Yes. Like, as I was writing this blog about this topic, it poured out of me that every time I do this, it's from a pure heart of good intention.

You always mean—

and I always mean well. And And I think that we always want to do good in this world, but I think we take on way too much. And I do think that we insert ourselves where we don't necessarily need to be inserted. And we— and what Seth says to me all the time is that I make more work for myself when it had nothing to do with me.

You do. And the busier and more successful we get, the more it is important as to what we say no to as opposed to what we say yes to. So how about that?

Yeah, no, that was good.

And Jamie says, I don't ever let myself get burned though, and when I see red flags, I am out. Well, I'm glad you've got a perfect track record. We do not. So Jamie, you'll have to tell us what you're doing.

So Jamie, when I see you on Friday, we're going to talk about this because I want to hear more about this. That's really good. I think that there is a, I'm gonna help, and then Maybe I need to get out quicker is what you're saying. I don't know. We're gonna— I don't ever let myself get burned. Okay, that was hard to pull that one off. So she's good. No, she's good. She's— so she's— she's— she knows her limits.

There's a book called Simplify Your Life by Elaine St. James, a must-read. Awesome.

That's awesome.

Interview Elaine St. James on your podcast.

Oh, okay. So Seth says, how— what are you going to do about this? So let's talk about What we're going to do about action steps. Okay, so I love to volunteer. It's who I am. It's, it's just part of me. I don't know where it came from. I don't, I don't know what to say, but I don't need to volunteer for everything. So yes, volunteer, but also don't, um, overextend myself. So volunteer for 2 things, not 10 things.

For example, moderation.

Okay, avoid putting myself in the middle of things. Have the two people involved, or three people, or four people work it out themselves.

You don't even have to tell them to work it out themselves. You just stay out of it altogether.

Absolutely. Now, if and when I have an office and these four people walk into my office—

hey, if they're paying it, they're totally paying me to get involved—

then I will mediate That's your solution now.

When you see a problem, say, hey, I can help you facilitate this. Just send me a—

here's my card.

There you go.

I will help you through this.

Give me your credit card. I'm happy to mediate and arbitrate.

Make sure that I'm not taking care of everyone except myself.

And I love your nails.

Speaking of self-care, this is— I did do a little self-care today, so I squeezed it in somehow, an hour to myself. So What I realized when I was writing this is I think that it's part of it is a distraction, and it's easier for me to take care of all of you.

Yeah.

Than it is for me to worry about myself.

That's important revelation for you.

It's not a fun revelation.

You're filling some external— you're filling some needs there.

Well, yeah, it's just an easier— it's easier.

It's than dealing with your own crap.

We need to deal with our own stuff and not always be focused on other people. It's like—

it's a good distraction.

It's a good distraction. And we also shouldn't be distracted. We should be taking care of our own stuff too.

Yes.

Right?

Yes.

Set boundaries and limits. And what I mean by that is we can give someone a couple hours and then maybe say, wow, you got a couple hours to get You're very nice. I would love to give someone a couple hours, and then I have to go back to my list of goods that I need to fulfill, my list of duties, including the work that I did not get to today. Um, it's all good. You're enough. I need to remember that it's not my issue, and I can get really empathic and involved. And when I was, um, with the families all day, I started to come home when I started and I would cry and I would think about them and it would haunt me. And then I got desensitized. You have to, and you have to leave it at work. And just like you have to leave it at work. And I mean, we have a heart, we do bring it home. But you know what I'm saying? Yes. When other people have issues and they talk to me, I have to remember that it's their stuff. It's not my stuff.

You don't have to take it on.

I don't have to take it home with me. I, I said don't help everyone and avoid helping yourself. That's huge. I need to have realistic expectations. And my friend posted in my group today and she said, have grace for yourself for the stuff that you did not accomplish. And what came to me when she said that is the line that I have told you many times, is I'm a human being, I'm not a human doing. And I treat myself I treat myself like I'm a human doing every day.

You do.

So I still, I still am doing it. And you're working on it. And I think that when I don't accomplish things, I'm much easier on myself than I used to be. So while I'm still expecting myself to produce, I'm having more grace for myself.

That's awesome. Okay.

Use your supports like your husband. And he is excellent at saying no. He is excellent at setting boundaries. He is a fantastic example for me in life. And he is very sweet. He has a wonderful heart. He would help you. He would give you the shirt off his back. But if he needed some time for himself, he would say, I need, I need a few minutes, you know, and you even do that to me. You're like, can I have a few minutes to myself? And I'm like, absolutely. And I used to, I used to get mad. And now I admire and learn. And I learned from you taking a moment for yourself, playing the piano, reading your book, you know, going off by yourself and doing something. And you're teaching me. So yes, I can't help myself, but you're gonna help yourself. I'm, I'm learning and we're all learning and we're growing together. And, you know, my confessions to myself helped me grow and helped me see that part of it is it's a lot easier to focus on other people, isn't it? Yep. So I have to go deal with a picture day outfit and see what homework Lily has left at 9:30 at night. So I hope that some— I would love to hear from you. I would love to hear if you relate to any of this, if any of this was helpful to you. And you can always send me topic requests because I love when you do that. And don't ask me who's on the podcast because I didn't check.

It's gonna be awesome. Go listen to it on Friday.

Oh, did we push up Jessica or was that last week? That was last week. Sorry guys, I didn't look, but I'm sure it was a fantastic guest.

iTunes, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, Amazon. Out of a Pandora.

So when you listen to the podcast, tell her who it was. I would love—

it was great.

I would love for you to comment, review, and, um, share it with someone.

Jamie says, we will talk, you were excellent. Reset your mindset, new blog topic. Reset your mindset.

I love it.

It's an R word.

You love R. I love reset, rewind, readjust, reframe.

We're gonna, we're gonna recycle.

Okay, we gotta go. Lily's waiting for you.

Thank you for watching Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family.

Have a good week, everyone.

We got love, we got laughter, and all the lights. So tune in next Wednesday night, you remember.

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