Episode 312: Bridge the Teen Communication Gap

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast, and I am so excited to introduce to you Claudette Osborne today. Claudette, thank you so much for doing this with me today.

Thank you for having me. I've been looking forward to our visit.

Yes, me too. And we're going to learn so much from Claudette. She is a certified professional life coach and master mindset coach focusing on happiness, goal success, and life purpose. She specializes in assisting parents in building better relationships with their teenage children by addressing communication issues, stress, anxiety, and fostering a positive home environment. Claudette's approach includes nonjudgmental self-evaluation, practicing unconditional love, and overcoming limiting beliefs. She has experience mentoring teens in residential settings, and has fostered teens with her husband. Claudette also co-founded Osborne Stables— she taught me this word, equine, did I say it right?

Yes, yes.

Equine Rescue Incorporation, and integrates horses into her life skills and personal development programs. Well, I'm so excited to talk to you about so many things, but I want to start with asking you, what inspired you to focus specifically on helping parents to improve their relationships with their teenagers?

Well, as with most of us, a lot of things we've learned came from how we grew up.

Yes.

And, you know, we don't want to play there long. We're coaches. We move into forward motion versus looking back. But when things weren't exactly right growing up We also made our changes and kind of figured out what we needed to do with it, where we didn't want to be, and what we wish for others that we wanted. I found ways. I was very resourceful. Luckily, it could have gone the other way. I could have been a really stinker of a kid.

Yeah.

And wasn't, you know, luckily. But I did find my ways of separating myself from that. And one, you know, which lead into today's things, one was the horses and the other was getting to— had a little bit of a daredevil part in me here that, uh, worked hard. We were taught we had to work from a very young age to get what we want because things were not given to you, which was a, a wonderful opportunity for us. Yeah, we learned a lot of skills and started working early. But the things that we really wanted to learn how to do because of it, had some free rein and legally soloed flying on my 16th birthday. When I say legally, that is, I was flying at 12 and 14.

Oh my goodness.

And had no— and a friend of mine the other day said, you know, girl, that should have been a red flag. You had no fear of that. I said no, because of the things that I was around otherwise that were stressful. That was like the ultimate freedom. You were untouchable. And I didn't know until I got, um, training, trauma-focused training, you know, the neural pathways and development, everything from the sounds, the visuals, those were balancing things for me, the horses and that, which You know, all made sense later in life. At that point, it was just something I, my focus on what I wanted to do.

So it sounds like your teenage years maybe weren't the easiest and inspired you to help other teenagers and parents.

Oh, absolutely. I didn't, I don't want to see the families that disconnected. I would like for them to learn how to regulate themselves and their focus. So that they can communicate better with their teens, giving their teens an opportunity to really have that self-esteem, know that they don't have the limitations. And when I talk about limiting beliefs, boy, some of them— when things aren't good enough, or you have to work so hard to earn respect, love, whatever else, um, you tend to carry some of that stuff with you. And unfortunately, sometimes we are repeating those processes. And that's what I'd like to get people to kind of notice, what their— what the things are that— who their saboteurs are, their self-talk. What are they telling themselves and where did they learn it? Because if they can't identify it, it's hard to change it.

That's really good advice, and I know that the key to any relationship is having wonderful communication. So can you talk to us about building any communication bridges with our teenagers that we may have?

Okay, well, for when I coach, I'm— besides finding out where they are and what they think they're hearing from their kids, or what their kids think they're hearing from their parents, I do give them exercises and checklists and different things to open up those lines of communication. A lot of times, you know, if you don't ask the questions, your kids aren't going to come from, from school and tell you about their day. And even if you ask them, how was your day? It was fine. There are ways to kind of open up those communications to where it's not like you're prying, you know, especially with the teenagers. They're really working on developing their— who they are separate from parents. Mhm. And that's that struggle. All of a sudden, this loving child who's been so compliant is all of a sudden, oh my gosh, they're secretive, they don't talk to me. Um, they want to do everything that I ask them not to do, trying to develop who they are. And sometimes the reactions from the parents and drawing those lines— you still have to have boundaries, absolutely. But how to get, you know, some of the tools that we work with help not just the parents but the teens figure out who out there is how you're responding to what's going on. We're, you know, well, a lot of good tools.

I know with my teenagers, if they're in the mood to talk, they'll talk, but if they're not in the mood to talk, I don't get much in my house.

Might need to save that for the family, uh, meeting night, you know, or, or the family play night. There are things you can do. I have a communication jar that I ask them to do. Oh, and you can set that on the dining room table or wherever you get together in the evening or whatever and write down what, what was the best thing that happened today and what was the worst thing that happened today, and just put it in the jar. You know, them writing it down, it gives them something to think about. It's like, okay, I wasn't going to share that. I just put it down and put it in the jar and walk away. Don't go to the jar right away. Save that for later on, and later on everybody gets to draw one and read it, and hopefully it's not theirs. Because reading that to them, all of a sudden they go, no, that wasn't really so bad. Or I said, okay, were you going to tell me that? No, they wouldn't have.

Right, right. I love that. That's a great idea. Now you work with parents to be non-judgmental, correct?

No, that's a big one. Our judge is the biggest thing, our, our best friend and our worst enemy.

So how as parents can we come across as less judgmental to our teenagers? Because I think that's huge.

Well, the first is sitting there before you say anything and asking yourself, is that my judge speaking, my voice of wisdom, or my voice of judgment? Before we ever say anything at all. Yeah, that quiet time to sit there and think about it. Or they say something that we want to snap in there and say, ah, no, you know better than that. Just okay. Take that second, let them sit in it, because that's uncomfortable for them. That silence on our part— we're so used to jumping in and wanting to fix things. We want their life to be good, we want it to be better, we want them not to make mistakes, we want them not to skin their knees. Um, that silence is golden, but the before you say anything. Is that my voice of judgment? Am I judging the situation first? Because we didn't really know where they came from on it yet. We're assuming.

Well, it's nice because, you know, my teenagers call me out on things. We can learn a lot from our teenagers. And my son, who is 16, heard me talking to my husband, and he said, Mom, you're being really judgmental. 'You need to get in other people's shoes more.' And I was like, 'Ouch, he just really called me out.' Yeah, but it comes—

our brain gets hijacked. Yeah, you know, it spouts off before we think about what was said. It's just that automatic response. And later on, that's when people sit back and say, 'Oh geez, I wish I had approached that differently.' Um, if you take that 2 seconds before thinking, is it my judge or not, and tools— your breathing or your hearing, multisensory type things— get yourself grounded before you enter the conversation.

So what is— what would be the opposite word that I could tell myself that isn't judge. So I don't want to be judgy. What do I want to be?

Wise. Your voice of wisdom. Mm.

Oh, I like that. That's really good. So there's so many challenges that you help families with. What do you think the most common challenges have been? As of light technology, Yeah, I'm laughing because I just interviewed a social media expert.

Well, it's been the best and the worst of things. It's created a lot of good communication. It's good for businesses. It's good for a lot of things. But the teenagers, again, they think they're grown. The brain hasn't developed still in the points that their reasoning is where it should be. And it's an immediate gratification, which is no different than a lot of drugs. It gives you that adrenaline. It, uh, can develop a habit that is then hard for them to break.

Yeah.

Um, that downtime, uh, even scheduling for the kids, um, brownout times to where we're all going to turn them off, and we're guilty too. I mean, we're checking our devices all the time. We're chit-chatting or doing business or whatever during certain hours that that is the time it either gets turned off or it gets put in the other room. Um, no phones at dinner, no phones at, you know, and have those brownout times, a detox too, that it's not life and death if they don't get an immediate response. And they didn't grow up like we did in letter-writing days to where they had to wait for immediate, you know, we didn't get an immediate response to anything. And usually if you ask a question, the parent said, let me think about that. It wasn't jump— well, some of it was jump to immediately and hardline. Um, we didn't grow up with that immediate response thing. It's really created a lot of stress for the kids.

For sure. Yes. Do you feel like talking with you and helping them through it is helping the families with challenges like technology?

Oh yeah. Yeah. It gives them a game plan. Yeah. Um, here we are, we're at the first of the year. Everyone has made these resolutions. Mm-hmm. Well, the resolution is nothing but the end goal. The intention in setting the pathway to getting there is missed, and that's why most of your resolutions fail flat. Because you, you're looking at, okay, this is what I want, and they're just waiting for it to pop out of the sky. Um, it doesn't, you know, without putting something into play and not expecting that whole goal to happen next month or 2 months from now. It— again, the immediate gratification, just like the cell phone.

I see a pattern.

Yeah, I'm trying to tie them together. We all do this. We say, oh, I want this, I'm going to get this, or— and all of a sudden it goes flat. Well, same thing. There was not a clear path. And when the path drops off and you stumble or get into a block, it's not the end of the world. It's just, you know, that's everybody think, oh, well, I can't do this now. I don't believe I can do this. That limiting belief is still there. Mm-hmm.

Yes. Yeah.

So we, we try to identify where those beliefs are coming from. And it comes through Even on the resolutions, and I tend to not like the resolution word anymore either. It's, it's more the intention. It all starts with the intent.

I like, I like that reframe. That's a better word. So you're helping people with their limiting beliefs, whether it's the teenager or the parent, you're helping them to identify it because the limiting beliefs are getting in their way.

All right. Absolutely. Because you can't get past— you're never going to get a higher opinion from anybody else than what you have of yourself. And the kids that are striving, their friends, they want to be in the best light with their friends, or they want to— same thing, the parents. I'm not good enough. I'm not a good enough parent. I'm not— I'm failing at this. Okay, whose opinion was that? Who told you you were failing? And why are the stumbles not an opportunity for growth? Why was it that?

That's good. And I think, and I think that you're right because I hear that all the time from mothers. I'm not doing good enough. I'm not doing enough. I could have done that better. And I'm like, Why are you so hard on yourself?

Well, because somebody else's— I shoulds. Where did that should come from? Who told you?

I can't imagine.

Yeah, it's— we, we didn't come up with shoulds by ourselves. Somebody put— implanted a should.

That's true. Yes, I know. I think that as an adult, it's nice when we can be the own— the— we can be the voice in our head instead of having old voices in our head. Yeah. So you have so much experience fostering children. Can you talk to us about your experience with that and how that has influenced you? Hmm.

That one, that one was interesting. Because you were really working with a, a dynamic that so much was taught that— and getting laid in life for them. And it's not that— it's not that you can't turn it around, but you have a lot of challenges, a lot of people stepping out and saying, well, let's see what they're going to do about this, because they've already been in places a lot of us will never go. And can never be in their shoes. You can try to— you've got to be able to empathize with that, but also agree, teach them not to— they don't have to play where others played or where they had to play in the, in the past. But how does that affect what you're choosing to do today? Oh man, we had One leave out one day to go out with friends and decided they weren't coming back.

Oh no.

Yeah, that was interesting.

That doesn't sound good.

No, it was quite, quite the challenge into how to make that a learning moment without losing your cool, without being angry. But okay, this is what could happen, this is what is happening, and this is how this is playing out. And standing and drawing some hard lines, but yet not agreeing with the behavior, but saying I love you in spite of your behavior, but the behavior is not acceptable.

And you had kids who were removed from their homes.

Oh, absolutely.

Really challenging behavior issues.

Yes.

And, and what do you think that you learned from that experience for yourself?

Well, it did cause me to look at things a little differently and actually have helped people be a little more cautious. And I teach about body language, I teach about how you portray yourself and how you work things. But with these kids in particular, our awareness of that body language can mean way different things to them. And we, we would never have even thought of that because we hadn't been there, right?

That makes sense.

Yeah, that was a lot deeper level of awareness than I had been around. And having been around quite a few things, that was just a way different area. And at first I think, well, okay, you— why would that be so harmful? And until you come in and you experience these things, you're going, okay, yeah, I get it. Um, but same thing, through these learning experiences Um, how that person, even in any average family, teaching that body language piece, there are so many things that you can do to offset before you ever open the mouth and make a comment. That shift in your body language, your body positioning, and everything else can change the dynamic of conversation before it starts.

It's really good advice.

It's— that one is easier for me to actually— I shouldn't say teach— for them to experience, but through the horses, because they act and react. They can't plot, plan, or think, and they will respond to your body language and your energy, your thoughts, your doubts in yourself, or whatever All I have to do is kind of read their body language and know when to step in and go, okay, what just happened? What's going on? And they'll say, oh yeah, well, I was thinking this, or I can't do that. Or, you know, the horse is a tattletale, which is absolutely wonderful. It's a tool that unfortunately most coaches don't have privy to. And, but taking that same body language and bringing that into with the families. You'd be amazed how that can diffuse and open up doors and everything.

So then, are you using the horses in your coaching?

I do. With the— everything that's done with the horses goes to the rescue. So, but I do use a lot of the analogies, and I share a lot about— same thing with the fly. I use flight analogies and horse analogies and Things to paint the pictures that help get that thought across so they can see how it actually works.

So as someone who knows pretty much zero about horses—

I'd love to have you over here so you could experience that.

Oh, that— I, when I was little, I did go to horseback riding camp. I will tell you that, but that was many, many years ago. So tell us what the horses have taught you. I would love to hear this.

Oh my goodness. Yeah. No, they can't lie. If they feel challenged or if they don't understand something, even seasoned horse people again act and react and think, oh, this is— this horse is being defiant. This is happening. I'm saying, okay, step back from that. Do they understand what you're asking? Are you being clear? Is your body language clear? Because that's how they talk out in the field. They— you watch them, if you watch a herd, they will tell them how to move, how to move their shoulder, how to move their hip, when to back off, when to— everything is very clear.

Interesting.

And it's just a different language. It's like I don't speak French or German, they speak horse. And if we learn to watch how they operate and operate the same way with them, they understand. You get that clear line of communication. Mm-hmm. That parallels back to people in real life and how we operate with each other. And the same body language will still somewhat apply. And just, you've never seen it work before. And with them, you see it work.

That is so interesting. My daughter will say to me, stop yelling, and I'm clearly not yelling, but she doesn't like how my body language looks.

Well, and our change in tone. And, and we, we get excited or exuberant about something or passionate about something, and the volume goes up. And sure, now see, that was one of the things I grew up besides in a very loud household and somewhat abusive, verbally abusive, but loud household. I, I don't like the loud, you get everybody together, the volume goes up 20 times and you're going, okay, that was again just how each person handles things. And if they happen to be hypersensitive to Volume and body language. They're— they're— is she more of an audio? Does she learn more by hearing everything? What is her learning style?

She's a visual learner.

A visual. Well, your visual and your audio learners can be very sensitive to those. And visual, they're going to pick up on your body language big time before—

oh my gosh.

And the least of the— least of the eyebrow raise, or least of the head toss, or the least of— they have read that loud and clear. You don't usually have to follow up with saying anything else.

Yes, and my mother has often told me that as a special ed teacher, she would sit at the front of the classroom, and she said she didn't have to say a word. It was just a look, and the whole class knew. So you are reminding me how important my body language is, and my kids remind me every day. I'm not a naturally calm person, but they want that. So, so that is something that, you know, you have such a calm presence. I told you, you were so centering to me, and I work on that every day for them because they want that. They want a calm, centered mother.

Okay, well, in my parenting classes here, I give you those tools to help you come to that place. Be that way, your awareness automatically, they will see a change. But it starts with us first. Yes, we can't make changes in them or, or get them to do certain things that we think we want for them without it being there for us too. And those fall into the realm of positive intelligence. So some of the— if you haven't looked into that, that's a really neat area.

Well, so you bring up the word positive, and I know that you really encourage families to have a positive, supportive home environment. So can we talk about how we can have more of that in our house?

Okay, well, it's human nature to see the negative before we see anything else.

Oh no, that's terrible.

Unfortunately, we're always looking for the little pitfalls and what can go wrong because we want everything to go so smooth and so right that the first thing you look at is where are the dangers first instead of where are the positives. Can I take what just happened and make it a gift and an opportunity versus, you know, the negative and staying there? That's all you're going to see. And that's the red car syndrome. Have you ever wanted a car? And yeah, all of a sudden I want this red car or whatever. Every car, half the cars you see on the road are red cars now. Yes, you directed your mind to see just that. Is that red car— there are no more red cars on the road than there were yesterday. If you stay in the negative realm of looking for everything, you're hypervigilant, you're hyper, you know, then you will only see that. The day you start with that gratitude you know, starting out, same thing, write yourself gratitude note, put it in a jar. Uh, the day you start focusing on that positive and on the gratefulness, the day you will start to see all the things that are positive and what those kids are doing, what you're doing, what the people around you are doing, and the negative is not going to be such an impact on you any longer.

But that is really good.

You can't just wake up one morning and say, well, I'm just going to turn over a new leaf and I'm going to be positive from here on out. But you hadn't even learned how to identify when it pops into your brain that you said that's bad, bad, bad. You know, it's like, okay, that happened. What good could have come of that? What lesson did I learn that is going to be— give me the opportunity to make things better for myself or them? Did they skin their knee and learn a lesson? What made it bad? What made it bad that they did that to skin their knee? It's like, celebrate it. They messed up, celebrate it. What did they learn?

That's so good. My husband came home yesterday and I wish I could even remember what the problem was, but I'm like, we have a slight problem. He goes, he goes, what opportunity are you presenting me with?

Is it going to be bad or good? You know, is he thinking, oh God, what is it now? Or Okay, how can we flip the switch?

I don't even remember. It was just so funny to me when he said that, and it made me laugh, and I was like, oh my gosh, that was so cute.

Yeah, but see, you laughed right away, and what did that do? It already flipped the switch by your response. Wasn't, okay, hang on to your hat, here it comes. You, you laughed.

Yeah, I totally did.

Yep.

So I love, I love what you're doing. I think that some parents would tell you that they find raising teenagers completely overwhelming. So what advice do you have for the parent listening who says raising a teenager is so overwhelming?

Okay, that need to break out what else is going on in their life besides the teenager that is making that overwhelming? Is it things aren't going according to their plan? Hm, you know, are you wanting something to be different? And what is it? And is it yours or is it theirs? Sometimes we take on all this stuff and we're the ones making it overwhelming. That's true. Instead of taking the little pieces of it and starting to organize them, focus on one little piece at a time. It becomes overwhelming when you're looking at the big picture, kind of like the artist. You can't just sit there and draw a whole picture in one second. You're looking at little bitty pieces, sections at a time, to make the artwork come to life. Um, it's the same thing. The overwhelm comes from when we are looking at all the many things we think we haven't accomplished fast enough or the right way, or then it becomes too much. We don't think we can achieve that, or the, the kids just aren't going to come around the way I expect that they should. Back down a little bit and breathe and map it out on little pieces and only work on that one or two pieces during that day, or one thing, and maybe only for 30 minutes or an hour and walk away from it and then go back and chisel some more, because then it won't be so overwhelming. We have the big piles. So much.

Yes, yes, we do. And we get overwhelmed by looking at the whole picture instead of little, little pieces, like you said. It's really good advice. Well, I think that unfortunately in today's society, we hear so often that kids, teenagers in particular, are suffering from anxiety and depression. So I'm wondering how all the parents listening can be more supportive to these kids who are suffering.

Well, first thing, I think the anxiety piece— yeah, they can be anxious about something, but I think it's been medicalized a little too much. There are stresses everywhere. And it's more of they're uncomfortable with that situation. They don't know what to do with the situation. And unless they are presenting something that their anxiety is— they're closing themselves in the room, they're biting their nails off, they're doing things that are— need to speak to someone medically. Yes. Then you absolutely talk to someone professionally. About that. Sometimes I think the parents worry that, oh well, they're anxious about this, and okay, they're stressed out a little bit, they're stressed out about it. Sometimes if we would change our words and quit medicalizing things so much, uh, moody and depression again are two different things. Moody can be teenage hormonal. You know, but it doesn't mean that they're all depressed. Uh, moody kids can close themselves in the room and need their space. Again, depression is a different thing. That is, you seek professional help in areas that need that, and it's not a stigma to do so. Mm-mm. But like I said, through the coaching end, you're given like I said, pathways to work through this and give them the tools to build more of that strength to be able to handle the little situations that come their way and what to do when they do come that way. But I think that when the parents are so focused into the anxiety, the depression, I think the kids do see themselves as just that. And that they don't know how to get out of it. If it's medical, seek help. If it's daily stresses that we're building into bigger, we and they need to be able to get that clear path to feel confident enough to know that they can handle what comes their way.

That's really true. Doing, doing hard— I can do hard things is one of my favorite lines.

Mm-hmm.

Well, and when you see a mentally healthy, happy teenager, what do you think are some of the factors that are contributing to that from their house, from their parents? What, what do you think is leading to that success?

Well, they usually have teamed up with some good friends. They have people to talk to. They're not as afraid to speak their mind without retaliation or chat— being chastised for speaking their mind. Um, we don't have to sometimes like what comes out of their mouth, but you have to make sure that they know that they're loved for who they are. And but when they feel like they can't speak their mind because they won't they'll be chastised over, you shouldn't think like that. Well, I said, well, is there a different way you can phrase that? You know, there, you can ask them to ask things a little differently or speak a little different way. Can you think about how you want to reword that? Try that again. But, but you know that they're loved, but they will feel more heard when they feel heard, when they feel like there is trust. And when they make a mistake, that they're not going to be, okay, don't do that again, don't do that again. It's, they made the mistake, we start over from that point. We don't keep addressing it unless it's a, it's a real problem. And again, if it's not being worked out in a coaching, it's not steering them in the right direction, then You also, like I said, seek deeper communication with someone who is qualified beyond that.

Well, you have given us so many tips and so much advice for teenagers. Do you have any last pieces of advice for us to have a positive relationship with our teenager?

Take time out of your work, have some fun together. Mm. Yeah. Not. Shut it off. Go have— go take a walk, go camping, go do something totally, totally something you would not normally do. Add the experiences into their life. They'll decide whether they like them or not, but the fact that they— you were open to doing something new or different, I don't know, it just gives them— they know that they have choices too.

Really good. So much, so much wisdom to share with us. I soaked it all in. Can you tell everyone where they can find you?

You can reach me at powerfulperspectivecoaching.com, also ClaudetteOsborne.com, and my Facebook is Claudette Osborne at facebook.com. The equine rescue, which our charity is osbornestablesequinerescue.org, and also on Facebook. Easy to find. And we offer a lot of classes and the online and virt— um, one-on-one coaching. I'd like to offer your group a special of a 1-hour group little seminar, and that would be free to your audience, and I will send you the link over so that you can share that with them, and I'd be happy to have them have something fun for an hour.

Well, that is so kind of you. Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Well, and thank you. I know that you have your horses waiting for you. And I wanna thank you so much for taking time out of your very busy day for me.

Oh, I—

for all of us.

Sure loved working with you and just, I've enjoyed the conversation. You've got absolute beautiful family and you do a lot of good for people.

Oh, well, and as I told you before we started, I love everything you're doing and I'm so fascinated by the horses and what I've learned from you about that because I started at ground zero before we started talking.

Ah, well, with the horses, it's, it's different than being a passenger on a horse when you learn to be around them from the ground, read their body language, and see how that parallels to real life. It's, it's not just about whether you can read them, it's can you bring that back into your life and how you handle things with others.

Well, thank you so much. I've really enjoyed this.

Thank you for having me. You have a wonderful day.

You too. This is Rebecca Green, and I want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.

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