Episode 315: The Bat Mitzvah Journey

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

How is everybody doing?

Fabulous, how are you doing?

I've been better. I mean, I'm great, I'm great!

Honey, live!

I'm wonderful! Um, it's 9 o'clock.

9:06, starting late.

I'm starting late. I'm ready for bed, but I'm here, I'm here.

And you're raising your hand about that.

Somebody got up at 6 o'clock to make sure that your son left okay with his car all icy, and I get nervous.

Somebody did that about my son. Okay, well, I'm gonna do that about your son.

It's our son. There you go. I'm still adjusting to him driving, and I need to connect before he leaves. Does that make sense?

Yes, it does.

It gives me— it eases my mind.

It makes you feel better.

Speaking of anxiety, guess who I interviewed today?

An expert on anxiety. I got it right.

Yes, you did. So the topic this week I had to dive into um, our bat mitzvah journey. Yes, because of some stuff that might have happened.

There was some stuff, there was some conflict, just a little bit.

I don't know, would you say a medium bit?

It was, it was a good bit.

It was a good bit.

So I thought we processed it pretty well.

Yes, well, that's because I felt like total crap and apologized 50 times, which doesn't normally happen, so that was good progress for me. You're not used to it.

I am not.

Oh, I think I'm punchy a little bit. Oh my gosh. So I want to say something that I'm not proud of, but that I acknowledge and that I work with and that I try to improve. So Max is our first child, he's 17, and with Max everything is new and exciting and it's like a new shiny object.

Oh my God.

And it's like he's my guinea pig, and he's a great guinea pig because he helps me learn with him, and we learn and grow with him. And then Ella comes next. Ella's 14, about to be 15, and Ella gets the best of me because I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot with Max, and then Ella— and then Ella benefits from it in so many ways. And quite frankly, as I'm thinking about it, Lily benefits. She does benefit because I've learned twice, so I've learned even more for Lily. So Lily does benefit a lot, but at Lily's disadvantage is that I'm tired. So it's like, by the time you get to your— by the time I get to my third child, I'm, I'm— I don't have as much energy towards things.

You did things twice, you're over it.

It's like, you know, you plan an amazing event for Max, and then you're like, okay, I can replicate this for Ella. And then I'm like, oh geez, I gotta do this again for Lily. So Lily does get good parts of me, but I do notice that I tend to be more tired with her. And I saw this translate into our bat mitzvah journey. Because, um, with our son, it was like non-negotiable. Like, we, we knew he was gonna have his bar mitzvah. He knew he was gonna have his bar mitzvah, and there were no conversations. Like, he just knew it was expected of him, so he did it. And he told me that we had always prepped him, that this was an expectation, so that he knew it was coming, so he felt prepared that it was here and that he had to study and he had to learn his blessings and that it wasn't negotiable. So Max was easy. He studied hard, he studied regularly. Every so often I did encourage him to go study and he did a fantastic job. Now, to fully understand me and for my husband to fully understand me, I put so much energy and enthusiasm into planning what was going to be this huge big Maxopoly event. It was going to be, it was going to be a fantastic service at temple. I had my bat mitzvah at temple, Seth had his bar mitzvah at temple. We're still at the same temple and our son was going to have his service there and then we were going to go to Riverworks and we were going to have this giant party. We were going to— I planned this major big party and everyone was flying in for it and I was gonna get to see all my relatives and so many friends and I was so excited and then COVID hit and it was canceled and I was sad, very, very, very sad. Max was fine, let's be honest, Max was fine. Max was like, whatever.

Oh, I get to be on Zoom and there's people on Zoom and that's about it.

Max is Max is pretty laid back about things.

Yes.

So we did the Zoom mitzvah, hundreds of people joined us. It wasn't anything that I wanted. And then it was Ella's turn, and I was very gun-shy because I had been crushed the first time. So I was like, I don't want to put my heart and soul into another event and have it get canceled. Like, COVID wasn't gone. Right? I mean, it was still, um, I don't know when her bat mitzvah was. Do you know the year? Well, if it's when she's 13, so it was over a year ago because she's going to be 15. So it was about 2 years ago. So COVID was still a thing. I— everything wasn't like shut down, but I was gun-shy.

Yeah.

So I was like, okay, I'm gonna baby step into this and I'm gonna plan something small and if it gets canceled, I won't feel as bad because it's small, right?

Yes.

And Ella was like, I only want something small, so this is perfect for me. So we did a small party, and she did a service at temple. We actually got to go to temple this time, so it was like huge progress, and I was so happy. And then we got to go to her party with her friends, and we really just invited her friends and like a few immediate family. We invited our immediate family and she had a fantastic time at her party and she was like, this was perfect and I felt so good about myself that I pulled it off and I made my daughter happy and I made my husband happy.

Yes.

And now we're at Lily.

Yes.

So this is our journey. Here we are with Lily. Her bat mitzvah is in 2025 and at this point in time She has religious school on Sundays and she has Hebrew tutoring on Thursdays, and man does she put me through the wringer, and man do I let her.

And this is all my mother's fault, by the way. Mom, if you're watching, it's all your fault.

Well, not necessarily.

I know it is because I drove my mother crazy, um, when I was Lily's age about Hebrew school and, and tutoring and bar mitzvah and my mother said, "I hope one day you have a child just like you and you know what this feels like." So, Mom, your wish came true. It's all your fault.

I, I am not innocent. I was thinking about this today. I actually wrote this on Facebook today that I'm kind of getting payback because I gave my mom a hard time.

I did not know about this.

I didn't want to go. Do you think I wanted to go?

Well, I knew you didn't enjoy Hebrew school. I didn't know you had issues with your bat mitzvah.

Oh no. Did you have issues with your bar mitzvah?

I had issues with all of it.

What happened?

I don't— somebody gave you a giant thumbs up.

Is that me?

I've never seen a giant floating thumb. It's normally in the corner.

That was so cool.

Did Facebook change something? Whoever gave her the thumbs up, keep it going.

Oh my gosh, so, okay, so anyway, I gave, I gave my mom a hard time about going to Hebrew school. I didn't give my mom a hard time about my bat mitzvah. They gave me a choice and they said, do you want to have a bat mitzvah? And I said yes. Okay, okay, so it was my choice. Did you give your parents a hard time about the bar mitzvah?

I don't really, I don't remember. I would assume so.

Okay, so what I was thinking, a hard time about everything else, right? So what I was thinking was all those times I said to my mom, I don't want to go, don't make me go, And now here I am with my daughter doing the same thing.

Yes.

And the parenting lesson is— there's so many. I mean, if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile. That's lesson number one.

Yeah.

Number two, she sees me wavering, so she thinks she can push more, push me, and she doesn't see a united front because Seth is like, she will have her bat mitzvah, and I'm like, really?

You're setting me up for her to try and divide and conquer.

Yes, so lots of parenting lessons. So it's, I don't know, what night was it? Saturday night. It was Saturday night.

Yep.

And we were coming home.

Yep.

We were in the car by ourselves and I was like, you know what, forget this bat mitzvah. I want to make my life easier. I don't want to deal with Lily. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to plan this. Like Max and Ella did it. I'm done. Just forget this whole thing. And I— marital lesson here— forget that my husband hears very carefully every single thing that I say. And here I am venting, and I'm like, forget the bat mitzvah. I don't want to do it. She's a pain in the butt. She's too hard. Forget it. And I'm going on and on and on. He's driving home, and Seth is a stuffer, and he stuffs his feelings. So we're home, I say hello to the kids, everybody goes to bed. I'm not thinking anything, and he's over here all upset.

Yes.

So the next day, I don't even know how it came up.

I showed you what I wrote.

Oh, he wrote something to me. And what I said to Seth, and I mean this sincerely, is I had no idea how he was feeling from everything that I was venting. He has to tell me. I can't— he can't read my mind, I can't read his mind. I didn't even notice him being more quiet or anything. Like, I didn't know he was upset with me at all. Upset about the situation, upset about me.

So for once, you were the oblivious clueless.

Oh my God, I was I was totally clueless, had no idea you were upset. I was going on with the day. I was like, okay, la la la, let's move on with our Sunday. Now mind you, Lily was not going to religious school because she had a birthday party and because I let her go to the birthday party. So Seth is like, you know, I'm really upset. I mean, do you want to say how you want me to summarize it?

I would like to see how well you heard me. Marital test. Let's see how you do.

Let's see if I passed the test.

Okay, so basically the guy gets to test the girl.

Oh my God, you're having way too much fun with this because do you know how many times I apologized to my husband?

It was a whole new world.

He was like, oh my God, she's apologizing again. I just felt like crap the rest of the day for making him feel so bad. So Seth is like, you know, this is not negotiable. Like, I want her to have her bat mitzvah. We met at temple, we got married at temple. Like, this means a lot to me. Like, we— you can't just throw in the towel. Like, that's not okay. And he's like, I can't believe all the things that you were saying last night. It really hurt. And I can't believe you didn't know that you hurt me. And I'm really upset about everything that you said. And the way that he was expressing himself, I really felt it. And I was like, oh, you really screwed up. I was like, you really did a bad job. So I don't always mean what I say, and I'm not saying I didn't mean it. I just mean that I spew things out all the time, and I don't always think before I speak. And I, and I blame a few things. I blame being an extrovert, and I think as I speak, I blame that, you know, how about some more self-control? Like in life in general, I've really been working on that. So self-control is going to be another topic because it goes in every single facet of my life, and as I gain more self-control, it, it bubbles over to everything. Yeah, so here I am like just like venting, and my husband did not tell me you were venting.

Well, unless you give me a disclaimer, I take you seriously, right?

But if you would have said, okay, so let's be totally honest right now, although maybe— okay, if you would have said, okay, fine, she's too hard for you, forget it, we're not doing her bat mitzvah, you wouldn't have argued and said, oh no, no, we must do it.

You would have said, woohoo, I'm off the hook.

I— well, what I was gonna say, so my automatic response was that what I was gonna say was I would probably run with it and be like, yes, right? But Scrappy, but I probably would have felt bad about it. I wouldn't have felt good about it. I wouldn't have felt good. It's not like a good decision, it's just me trying to make my life easier. And is trying to make my life easier the right thing to do in general? And I was thinking about that today, about hard things, because you and I have been talking about hard things that I'm doing. Hard things are not always a bad thing. They have really good payoffs, right? So, ah, so I continued to apologize for the rest of the day because I felt really bad, and I saw how hurt he was, and I saw how much this means to him. And I guess the lesson for you is that I don't always know how you feel, and you may think that I know how you feel, but I really— I didn't understand how strongly you felt about this. Like, maybe I had an inch of an inkling.

Gonna say I thought we've had this conversation before, but apparently you finally heard me.

No, I think that I was like, you know, you don't need it. Like, I would joke with him and I would be like, you had two, you don't need three, you got two out of me. And it would be a joke.

Never went well. Every time you thought it was funny, I did not say, haha, that's funny.

He doesn't—

that was your first clue.

He doesn't think it's funny.

It is not.

He doesn't think it's funny. So I, I started to think about how he met me in temple. Our temple means a lot to us. Our kids having their bar and bat mitzvah means a lot. And I just felt really bad for trying to take the easy way out, making him feel bad, letting Lily win.

Yeah, that's a big problem.

So Lily is stronger than me.

No, well, first you need to change that statement to make the real version come true.

Okay, we can do that, but I will tell you that I have to know that I have to be firm with her or she will push.

Yep.

And every child is different. Um, Max and Ella are totally different and go with the flow a lot more, right?

Yep.

I mean, there was resistance. I mean, they didn't want to go either, so I don't know if they were just easier or If I'm just tired, maybe I'm just— I was gonna say maybe I'm just more burned out, but I will get through this. Seth will help me get through this.

This is poor, this terrible thing you've got to get through.

It's very—

a life cycle celebration event. It's terrible.

Well, so here's—

I'll do the damn thing. You don't have to plan.

Oh, you're gonna plan the event?

I told you this.

You're gonna plan the whole event? Yes.

There might not be centerpieces, there might not be other things, there might not be flowers, but there will be food.

Oh my gosh, there will be a party and there will be a service. Do you think that Seth should plan Lily's wedding?

No, we think you should man up and freaking do it the right way and stop complaining about it.

No, it's not— okay, the event is hard and the event is part of it.

Woman up.

Sorry, but like, for me, I mean, hear me when I say this, you understand this, I didn't like going to Hebrew school and my parents made me go. So I'm just—

you ditch the empathy—

I'm repeating the same cycle.

Okay.

And I'm doing to her what my parents did to me.

You mean they did for you. Life didn't happen to you, it happened for you.

Oh, I just loved being made to go.

Neither did I.

It was, it was so entertaining.

And yet, but we're grateful now.

No, you know what I think? I think I got through it.

And that made you stronger.

Okay, it made me stronger.

You could find a silver lining if you wanted to.

Well, you can help. You can continue to help me find the silver lining.

Yep.

So the bottom line is that I feel bad making her go because I didn't like it. That's the bottom line.

Yes. And as I said, I guess we just need to start our own religious school that's actually fun. Fun. Okay, and all your stuff, the 5,000-year cycle or whatever.

I don't, I don't necessarily think it needs to be fun. Does it need to be fun?

Well, how else are you going to look forward to it anyway?

Anyways, so a little bit of a conflict in the greenhouse, airing, airing some dirty laundry that, that we learned from and grew from and solved. Yes, and you win, and I'm happy for you to win. It's not a you win and I lose.

There's no winning. It's the right thing to do. Because now, okay, for first— okay, I won once out of 30, 20 years of marriage, fine. But that's not true. You really want to win this one and get out of it and ruin a 6,000-year-old tradition and say, haha, you won, and ruin Judaism? Like, seriously?

Seriously, I am not responsible for ruining Judaism.

No, but you could be the start of a very slippery slope.

Okay, I understand.

Everyone had the same attitude as you are, we die out in a generation.

Oh, as I tried to explain to you last week, he was pretty intense, as you can tell.

Yes, and the fact that you are still saying some of the wrong things is upsetting me because you learned from it. Okay, I'm teaching people. Okay, repeating some of the same.

Okay. Well, I'm telling them what the conversation was, right?

But you know, you win.

Thanks. So you win.

I'm saying you win too.

I'm saying that in a good way.

It didn't sound— it sounded exactly the same as it did a week ago. It did not sound like a good way.

Oh my gosh. Okay, what would you like me to say?

I'm so glad we're carrying on this tradition and that we're doing this together, and we're stronger than our daughter.

I'm so excited.

And if you meant it, that would be wonderful.

I'm gonna get excited. How about that?

That's the nicest thing you've said in the last 20 minutes.

I'm trying, people.

I know you are.

I'm trying.

I appreciate it.

So I'm sure you see—

it needs to be a bigger priority than avoiding your daughter's feelings.

I'm sure you see Seth's feelings and my feelings and how we have worked this out, and I think we have worked this out.

We'll keep you posted. Let's see what I hear tomorrow.

We'll let you know how it goes. Oh, tomorrow is her Hebrew lesson.

I'll be home.

Good times.

I will come home and not work late and be here. I have talked to her and I will talk to her again.

Oh boy. Um, I think we're doing good. I think we've come to a good place. I think I really did screw up and hurt his feelings. Right?

Yes.

Yes. But, but hopefully I've made up for it. Hopefully we're in a better— hopefully you're in a better place. I'm, I'm in a good place.

That's great. I'm glad you're fine.

I'm not upset. Are you upset?

I wasn't until 20 minutes— the last 10 minutes.

Oh my God. I guess reliving it is not good for him. He does not like to relive things, for the record. When we've gone through something, he does not want to relive it.

Well, see, that's the difference is I tell a story, you say, 'What happened?' And I tell you the facts. You tell me the story and you re-experience all the same emotions all over again.

That is true.

And normally, if you would ask me to tell the story of this, I just would have calmly told you the facts, but you're making me re-feel it. So yes, not fun.

Oh my God, let's not re-feel our feelings. We already did this.

That's what I tell you every time, and then you go, 'No, I'm going to re-feel it when I tell you this story.' Oh, I love this topic so much, but we're getting—

we're, we're making progress.

Yes, for sure.

And I'm, and I'm proud of the marital and parenting lessons that we learned in this conflict. For sure. So I think lesson number 1 is your spouse doesn't always know how you're feeling, so tell them. Don't assume they know. And maybe think before you say things. Maybe I could work on that.

You're trying.

And understand that when your children see that one parent feels one way and another parent feels another way, they're gonna work the system. Yeah. So we have to see that that's happening and work together. Instead of, instead of it being Seth versus me, it needs to be Seth and me so that Lily doesn't hit us against each other, which she's done very well. So anyways, um, that is our bat mitzvah journey so far. So far. We will keep you posted as Lily is the last Green in the house to have her bat mitzvah.

Yes.

And as the births went, Max's was traumatic, Ella's was better. A little bit better, and Lily's was healing.

Lily's was the easiest.

Lily's birth, Lily's birth was easy and wonderful and worked out the easiest. So maybe we are on the same journey with their bar and bat mitzvahs. Are you not listening? Are you not agreeing?

Well, you tell this story that hard birth, easy child, easy child, hard— easy birth, hard child. So I don't know how that makes the bat mitzvah get easier.

Um, because Max's bar mitzvah was hard and canceled. Ella's was a little bit better.

Okay, you're saying they're getting better each time?

Yeah.

Okay, well, that's awesome. I look forward to that. I didn't understand.

He's exhausting tonight. Happy marriage. Okay, I'm gonna go to bed.

Thanks.

But it's been wonderful reliving this.

You're— I— that was your idea.

Oh my gosh. I hope that everyone has a wonderful week. I want to thank you for joining us. And on the podcast this Friday is Ronna Glickman, and she was really wonderful to talk to. We talked about, um, social media safety for kids. Very, so very important, very serious, and you're gonna love her, you're gonna love her information. So I hope that you will listen and share it with a friend and share this one with a friend. And I'm sure we can make people laugh and I'm sure people will relate.

Yes, marriage isn't perfect, parenting isn't perfect, but success is made in a messy kitchen.

We learn and grow every day. For sure, right?

We've definitely learned from it.

Anything else you want to share? Oh, I have to pick February winners. I am not prepared, but this is a very good reminder. So we did our February challenge, our February Love Valentine Challenge, in our Winey Plus a Mom group on Facebook. It's free, it's supportive, come join us. And, um, I have to pick winners from the challenge, so I will make a note to do that. And, uh, Anything else?

Will you be my Valentine?

I would love to be your Valentine, even after this.

Yay!

Okay everyone, have a wonderful week. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time, this show has been produced by Market Domination, LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.

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