Episode 319: Trust Issues with Myself

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday! Have some wine and join us on Winey Palooza Wednesday with the tired, traveled Green family!

Um, maybe this wasn't a good idea.

It was your idea, I thought you were taking the night off.

Well, how am I gonna talk about my blog tomorrow?

We're here, we're talking.

I mean, I'm not gonna cut it off now, but we didn't talk this through. We can't do it tomorrow anyways. We're gonna do it anyway.

Yes, we'll be home late tomorrow.

We're home from Boston.

Yes.

And we're tired.

We drove all day.

We drove all day. We had a long day and we're here anyway.

The dedication of this woman, people. Give her some props for that.

Well, that is because I did it. I didn't take the week off, which I could have done, but I have a good topic, so I wanted to actually get to talk about it.

Let's talk about it.

I guess we could have waited till next week, but you and I—

you can't leave the people waiting for a while. You and I need to communicate, so I'm just here to do what you tell me.

So before we dive into our awesome topic—

yes, I—

we—

thank you, I'm, I'm just along for the ride apparently.

We had quite the encounter this week. We—

encounter?

Okay, trip.

Trip, right?

We went to take our son for his first college visits.

Yes.

And we started in Boston.

Yes.

Because we really wanted to take, take Max to see MIT.

Yes.

And he has talked about MIT and talked about MIT, so we wanted to get him there so he could actually see it. He doesn't believe me that seeing campuses might change his mind. So, so far it hasn't. So far he's right, he loved MIT. We did walk around Harvard and that was pretty cool. Yes, yes, beautiful campus, beautiful campus.

And we walked around Tufts, which wasn't on our original list, but someone said, hey, you're there, you should see it, right?

Well, we got a list while we were there— Northeastern, Boston University, look at all these other schools. So according to—

send my wife into it, we gotta fit it all in.

According to Max, yes, it sounds like he will go to Boston for MIT. That is what he would go to Boston, right?

If, if he goes that way.

If he goes that way, you gotta get in and every—

all the stars have to align.

So college touring has only just begun.

Yes.

And surprisingly, I was emotionally strong.

Yes, I was impressed with you. I forgot we didn't have a chance to talk about it yet.

I don't know about my mushy husband over here. Are we taking turns? Tomorrow, is it my turn?

We are taking turns.

Yes, so we'll see how I do tomorrow, but I have been very strong this week. I think that every single parent will relate to this comment. I have had every single emotion about college.

You had all the feelings.

And it ebbs and flows, and I never know how I'm gonna feel, and right now I just feel excitement. Excitement to explore with Max and see what's out there.

That's an awesome and positive resourceful state.

It is. I mean, tomorrow I may feel differently, but I'm gonna tell you right now.

Yes, you're feeling good right now.

I didn't have any sadness. I really only felt excitement for him, excitement for this adventure we get to take with him to go tour and look at all the colleges and see what he thinks. And I'm just excited and along for the ride.

That is awesome, and I'm impressed with you.

Did you notice that at all?

I did notice that you were being— you, you had it together.

I had it together. Yes, there were no emotional moments.

No, the only emotional moments were about Boston traffic.

Uh, yeah, I said to Seth, I said I will drive as many hours as you want in the 6.5-hour drive, but I will not drive in Boston. So like an hour away, we switched.

Yes. And so you did not drive the entire first 4 or 5 hours.

No, no, but I would have.

I know you would have.

I would have driven the entire trip if you would have agreed to drive in Boston.

And I did agree to drive in Boston and drove other parts.

And thank, thank the Lord that I went up to the concierge and said, so So we're going to MIT for a tour and it looks like traffic isn't bad. Should we drive or should we find the subway? Like, what should we do? And he was like, take a taxi, there's no parking. So I'm so glad that we talked to him because we Ubered around the city.

Yes.

And we didn't have to drive and deal with it. The Uber drivers drove like maniacs. That was not pleasant. That was not fun at all. But we got around the city. Safely. I was like, please get us to our hotel safely. And I was really happy with that advice because there's no parking. The only parking was at Tufts. I did see parking at Tufts, but other than that, I didn't see any parking.

And supposedly by then we'd already gone to two schools and wouldn't have had a car with us anyway. Didn't have a car with us anyway.

Well, and we learned that parking in Boston is like a rent payment. Yes, uh, mortgage payment. You buy a parking spot, you buy a parking spot. Boston was our first stop. There will be many, many more, and we will keep you updated on our college touring. Yeah, our excitement college touring. But let's get to our topic. Our topic is not college.

It is not.

Our topic is trust issues with myself, which, which I meant to put out last week but realized it was Valentine's Day and I had to talk about the love languages. And we want to— I I want to apologize because after Wednesday, Seth got this awesome email on Thursday telling him that there were 2 more love languages. So we missed shared experiences and emotional stability.

Yes.

So we missed the 2 new love languages, but I felt like— I felt like we needed to do love languages for Valentine's Day, and now this week we are going to do trust issues with myself.

Your trust issues.

Not with Seth.

Yes, thank you.

Not with other people.

Clarity there.

But here's what I want to begin with is that if we can't trust ourselves, who can we trust? So if you have known me for years— if you are new, you don't know this at all, so come along for the ride. If you are an old friend, you have seen me up and down. I would say thin, I would say not so thin, right? And, and my wonderful husband has been on this ride with me. And I'm like, okay, I need to be healthy for my family. This is ridiculous. You got to get on the wagon. You got to focus on this. And it was because I was having success and people were commenting and saying, you know, how do you keep it together? How do you balance everything? How do you— how are you successful? Like, give me your secrets and tell me more about parenting and tell me about, you know, your awesome marriage and tell me this and tell me this and I was like so happy, but in the back of my mind I was like, "But..." And as much as we want to give ourselves credit, like, "Good job on the book! Good job on the blog!" Like, I was saying, "I'm proud of you," throughout the day. Like, "That was a really good podcast. I'm proud of you." Like, my self-talk had gotten so much better, but there was always a "but" in the back of my mind because I wasn't focusing on my health. And that's not to give the other areas of my life credit, but I feel like personally we need to give all areas of our life credit, or we need to give all areas attention. And I was neglecting a huge part, and I was watching Max and Lily work out, and I was watching them start to watch what they were eating and try to be healthier, and I was just feeling worse and worse about this topic. And I was like, you need to be a good example, you need to live a long life. And you need to focus on this. So I was, I was losing some trust in myself because, you know, every time I was making a poor eating choice, I was losing the trust. Every time I was saying I was gonna work out and I didn't, I was losing the trust. And I was having issues with myself. And when we're having issues, we need to look in the mirror and we need to say, what is it about myself that that is making me possibly project this onto anybody else. Am I making sense?

Yeah, you were breaking your micro-commitments with yourself.

Yes, and I was losing— I was losing a little bit of yourself each time you made one.

You felt you believed it less because you had broken the previous one.

So I was like, okay, Seth, I'm gonna focus. I'm gonna focus in on this.

I did not tell you to do this.

Well, this has nothing to do with you.

I know, I'm just making that clear.

No, Seth, Loves me small, medium, large. So Seth gets all the credit for being a supportive husband. This has nothing to do with Seth, but I will say our spouses deserve us to take care of ourselves. He wants me to live a long time. He wants— not that I'm not saying I don't look good, I'm saying that our spouses want us to look good. Like, we should want to look good for our spouse, and we should want to be healthy. For ourselves and for our spouse and for our kids. So I was like, I'm gonna focus on this. And Seth was like, okay, like, before you do this all again— he's seen me do this many times— he was like, it's not sticking and you need, you need help. And I was like, I do need help. But his— what was your way of help? What was your suggestion that you had brought up several times?

Are we talking about Dr. Barbara. Yes, I suggested, uh, neuro-emotional technique, um, which is practiced locally that we know of by Dr. Barbara Coyle. Um, our sister-in-law does it but doesn't work with family, and it wouldn't have been like the best.

And she doesn't live here, and she doesn't live here either.

And Dr. Barbara is literally down the street from us, and I have had amazing results in other areas of my life with Dr. Barbara and have said to Rebecca multiple times, you should go just see what happens, right?

So Dr. Barbara Coyle, he has mentioned it many times, and I have said, yep, I'm gonna go. This is what I do. This is the other commitment I have made to myself this year. So 2024— 2023 was the year of grace, learning to give myself grace, having better self-talk, and I moved tremendously. 2024, I'm like, okay, you're gonna focus on your own health. Not saying I'm not ignoring my kids, but my kids have all the appointments. They get to doctors and dentists and eye doctors, and I'm great with their appointments. But what about my appointments, right? So I was gonna make myself the appointments, and I was gonna start, you know, the food and the exercise and the appointments and the taking better care of myself. And so when Seth brought up Dr. Barbara, he's like, okay, before you go down this path again, can you please go see her? And I was like, yes, this is the year of appointments.

I know you're excited about the appointment.

Not at all. I still have like a list that I haven't done, but I went to the eye doctor, I made a primary doctor appointment, like I'm making appointments.

Yes.

So I'm like, okay, I'm gonna make the appointment with Dr. Barbara, I'm gonna go. And it was life-changing. Like, I can't glow enough about that appointment. I left feeling physically lighter. I left a load there. Hopefully I didn't leave it for her, but she took a load off of me and she helped me understand. I said, listen, the weight and the emotions go together, but I don't know how. I don't know what the— I felt like there was a block that I didn't know about. I was like, I need you to uncover this. I need you to help me. I need to, you know, not be going up and down my whole life. And I think she got to the root of the issue, and it all had to do with trust issues with myself, nobody else. And she unloaded it and got it off of me, and she's amazing. If you feel like there's like a block in your life, in any area, go see her. Tell her I think she's fabulous and I sent you. I'm gonna go see her again, and I have to thank her. I thanked her that day, but I need to like tell her how different I feel. And so I'm on this journey of, of, of health and wellness and, and self-discovery and a different, a different me this year. Yeah, Seth says I seem different.

You do.

Okay, so tell them how I seem different.

You seem excited about this part of the journey when normally you're resistant and pissed off about having to do it, and this time you actually seem to be optimistic and looking forward to it and actually enjoying the process and excited about it, as opposed to doing it because you think you have to.

So I think that you used really good wording the other day when you said that it's like I was fighting against myself. For sure. And it felt that way. It felt like I was always fighting against myself, which I didn't quite understand. And I don't feel that way. I feel like I'm with myself and I'm happy and I'm excited.

Yes.

And lighter.

Yes.

Just lighter.

Yes.

Emotionally, physically lighter.

Yes.

So I think we all have stuff. I think we all have stuff to unpack.

You might even not be aware of your stuff.

Okay, so I'm a therapist and I'm not going to tell you— I think therapy is amazing. I don't want any therapist to come after me for saying this.

No one's coming after you.

Listen, I love therapy. I must— I think everybody needs therapy. But I don't know how, like, 20 years of therapy— this has been a 28-year issue. I don't know that 28 years of therapy would have gotten underneath because it was so subconscious that I didn't know it even existed. Yeah, right. So, you know, I'm gonna learn more about EMDR because, you know, that's something that—

that's separate, different thing.

It's a different thing, but yes. But I think that's more, more discovering stuff, and I think there's different modes of therapy that you can learn. Um, I'm curious to possibly learn.

I would love to watch you learn NET. That'd be awesome.

So my—

so good.

So my sister-in-law and Dr. Barber were like, you totally should study NET.

Oh, Patty says, so happy for you and congratulations on taking the first step.

You're so sweet. Thank you, Patty. Well, it's interesting because because someone, a nurse, was like, how much do you weigh? And I was like, I don't know. And I was like, don't ask me. I wasn't about to go run on the scale and tell her, but like, I didn't even know. And that's not a good thing. Like, you don't want to put blinders on. You don't want to— like, whatever the issue is, say you like—

you, you previously liked living in denial.

I think that sometimes I like to live in denial about issues. Yes, yes, like we're not even just talking about this one. And I— what I wrote about in my blog is like, if you're like me, like if you're, if you're in denial about something, if you're trying to ignore something, it's not going to go away. So start it with me, start facing it with me. Like face it, challenge it, tackle it. Like we're stronger than our issues and we can tackle them.

It's a good line. You are stronger than you, than your issues.

Yeah, we all have stuff. We all have stuff. And like, it, it almost didn't matter. It mattered, it mattered. But like, you know, you would be like, oh my God, your, your newsletter is doing so well. And I'd be like, yeah, but I'm ignoring my health.

Would you— would it be fair to say that you had a tiny— I don't know if you would label it this— a tiny bit of imposter syndrome? Because no matter anything else, you would always come back with but wait, I'm not doing X, Y, and Z.

No, that's totally the wrong label, but I know why you said it. I will explain it. I will explain it. So there are different areas of our life. So I felt success, okay, in work and in relationships. I felt like I was doing great with you. I felt like I was doing great with my kids— our kids.

Thank you.

I felt like I was putting effort into friendships, and, you know, I try to be a really good daughter and daughter-in-law and sister. Like, I was nailing certain things. I knew that there was something that I wasn't succeeding in.

Ah, so would this— would the better word be like there was an imbalance?

Like, I wasn't feeling whole.

Got it.

I was feeling 75% successful and I felt like there was like this 25% down here that I was trying to push away.

That makes a lot— thank you for explaining it to me that way.

It makes more sense. And there was this line haunting me from preschool.

Okay, this we haven't talked about.

You're discovering all kinds.

I am.

So when Lily was 2, I was in really good shape and I was running and you know, I would go into preschool and the director was like, wow, you are in like really good shape and you got yourself into shape and that's so awesome. And I was like, I remembered that line of you got yourself in such good shape. And I was like, yeah, where is that person? Where, like, where did she go? Because you liked being in good shape. It felt better, right?

Yes.

So like, I did have a mother, a mother like say to me, do you feel— you know, she's very into health and nutrition and fitness, and she's like, well, do you feel good? And I was like, yeah, I feel good. Like, I feel good, but you know, let's not be in denial. Like, we need to be a healthy weight. We all need to be. We want our kids to be a healthy weight. We want our spouses to be a healthy weight. And I was just ignoring it. So the blinders are off. And I'm not just gonna be 75% successful. I would like to be 100% successful. And I don't expect us to be good at everything. I don't expect you to be the best at everything. And, you know, I'm not saying you have to be working and taking care of your kids. Taking care of your kids is work. I'm just saying that I was having the work success and I was having the parenting and the marriage success. And I was like, but wait, what about your health?

So that makes a lot of sense.

Yes. So anything else that you want to say about that?

I did not know about the 2-year-old, the nursery school line. And I have been, um, always been your number one fan and biggest cheerleader. And as I told you before, this time, this time feels different, and I'm excited to see this new chapter in your It'd be nice for it to like stick. That's up to you, right?

Well, so I caught myself and I said to Seth in early February, I was like, I'm not eating that right now. And I caught myself. See, I wouldn't have done that before. And I was like, I just said right now. Like, that's not a lifestyle. That's not a changing the way that you do things. That's a temporary thing, which has always been one of the issues. I used to joke with my friends— this is a terrible joke— but I used to be like, well, if I'm eating sugar, I'm not thin. And if I'm not eating sugar— if I'm thin, you know I'm not eating sugar. That was like the joke that I would say. It's really not funny.

I don't understand how that's a joke, but okay, I got the line. I got the analogy though. Okay, example.

Anyways, so the topic— yes, trust issues with myself. If I have trust issues with myself and I'm not following through with things that I need to follow through with, then it bubbles over to other areas of my life and I lose trust in other people. Yep, right?

Yes.

And the issues tend to be with ourselves and we tend to project them onto other things. So just take a look at yourself. If there's something that feels like an issue with someone or something, think about how that might be an issue with yourself, right?

Yes.

And, um, yeah, we'll, we'll go on another journey together. Lots of journeys. Parenting journeys, marital journeys, weight journeys. We can do it all together.

That's right.

So feel free to tackle an issue with me if you're having an issue. If it's organization, if it's getting things done, um, start time for yourself, for your marriage. Oh yes, you said that in the survey.

Yes, in the newsletter survey, the biggest issue was finding time. The top two were finding time for self-care and finding time for your marriage.

Okay, so maybe that needs to be our next topic.

Time management, time use, relationships to time.

I think that here is my biggest lesson, and I will elaborate another time. My biggest lesson in that and in time itself is that we make time for what we want to make time for, right? So if you're saying that you want to go on a date and I'm saying I don't have time, That's really not true. I can make time.

That is true. I have had clients say, oh, I don't have 30 minutes a week to do a podcast. Like, you watch Game of Thrones, you watch some other show. Yeah, there's your half hour.

Well, I think that's the most frustrating thing to me about time when I talk to people, is that people give me this facade that they don't have time for things, and I think it's BS. I'm just gonna call everyone out on it, including myself. If we take Facebook— yeah, social media, Instagram, TikTok— if you take it out of your life for an hour, I mean, how many times are you scrolling? Is it a stress relief? Are you enjoying it? I'm not trying to take it away from you. I'm just saying that there's— if you analyze your day, you would be amazed at how much time we waste.

Yes, I have always said whenever someone gives me that reason, I'm like Give me your schedule minute by minute, 24 hours a day. I guarantee you I can find you half an hour.

Well, and I get frustrated with myself because I will get to school 30 minutes early and be like, okay, don't get mad. I'm like, I'm gonna get to school, I'm gonna get a good parking spot, and I'm gonna focus, and I'm gonna answer all my emails, right?

Why would I be mad about that?

What do I do?

You don't answer any emails.

What do I do instead?

You're either scrolling or you're talking to the people who knock on your window.

Oh well if people knock on my window everything goes out the window because— Well because I have told you say "I'm busy." No no relationships are number one and I want to have relationship time with other mothers that's not the issue. The issue is I might scroll instead of getting work done that I went to school to get done but that's a whole 'nother topic. We're not going to talk about time management. We will do that another time.

You're walking Tanner, says Patty. Oh, he knows you.

So, so Patty, I purposely do get there early to walk Tanner, but like, I might say I'm gonna walk Tanner for 20 minutes, and then for 10 solid minutes I'm gonna answer all my emails, and I don't do it. Sometimes I do. Interesting.

Trust commitment with yourself.

I was just gonna say that, like, when I say I'm gonna do something, from now on you kind of got to do it. I got to actually follow through to work on the trust issues.

Build your trust muscle back up.

Trust issues with— no trust issues.

You gotta do trust reps. You gotta go, I said I did this, I did this. Even if it's, I'm gonna get up off the couch in 30 seconds, I got up off the couch, I did it. Yes, I honored my micro-commitment.

And I do do that. I do, I do do a lot of things I'm gonna say I'm gonna do. So I do need to focus on that, right?

Right.

Okay, well, I would like to tell you that finally on Friday is the episode with my— she's not my producer anymore because she's, she's moved up in ranks. Um, but my, my podcast with Tayton is this Friday, and I got to interview her about what it was like to be my producer for 3 years.

I'm so excited to listen.

You haven't listened?

I have not. I've been waiting for it to go live.

Oh my gosh, well, I can't wait to hear what you think. So you're gonna have to tell me what you think, and I can't wait to listen to it. I do so much better absorbing things when I listen to it versus when I'm doing the interview, right? So I'm gonna listen to it, but you're gonna love hearing from Tayten, like, lessons from the Winey Plousa podcast and what it was like working behind the scenes for 3 years, and she's been a guest a few times, but this was her first time being a solo guest.

And talking about her role as your producer.

Yes. So that's this Friday, so you're gonna love it. And now Adrienne is my producer, and she is wonderful. I have been blessed, Seth, 2 wonderful producers. So Taiten is now in a new role.

Yep, she got promoted.

And I'm super happy for her, she deserves it. And Adrienne is going to listen to this, and I love her, and I loved working with her, and everything is going great.

Fantastic.

So listen to the podcast, share the podcast with someone. I would so appreciate it. And anything else? The newsletter?

Yep, Ask Rebecca. There, it's on the Linktree. Yes.

Oh, it's on the Linktree.

The newsletter's on the Linktree in her bio. Sign up, it's free. It's a couple times a week. It's awesome marital and parenting content.

Okay, well, thanks everyone.

Thank you for joining us on Whiny Palooza Wednesday.

Have a wonderful week. Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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