Episode 323: 'cause when you're 15

So it is not Wednesday. Happy— Happy Winey Palooza Thursday! Yesterday was Wednesday and I was having major internet issues the whole day. It was a really challenging day for me.

Yeah.

Trying to work with your internet down.

Yes, very difficult.

Is not a smooth day for me. So I— so if you don't know, I work at home and I'm on my computer almost the whole day all the time. And when my internet is not working, I can't really work. So I did as much as I could yesterday.

You were a trooper.

And somehow, you know, there were internet issues today too, but you know, I'm very thankful that my podcast yesterday and today worked.

Yes.

And the recordings are off to Adrian.

Yes.

And I'm just like, phew. Um, so I say a prayer every time I'm going to do a podcast, and I say, thank you for the technology being smooth and working. That's a great—

I should start doing that.

And thank you for helping me put out good messages to the universe. Thank you for this platform and this opportunity. Amen.

That's beautiful.

And I say it, and I say it every time I'm about to do a podcast because I have had technology not work.

Yes, been there.

So, um, major frustration yesterday. I said forget it. I was stopped trying to go live. Seth was like, wait, I think we can do it. And I was like, putting it away, putting it to bed, we will try again tomorrow. So we're not alone. Lily's Hebrew teacher couldn't get on Zoom tonight to teach her, so she emailed me and said, I'm having technical difficulties.

I thought it was all our fault.

It's not just us though. Um, Adrian said LinkedIn was down. Like, what is going on with technology this week?

I don't know.

So are you, if you're watching, when you're watching, let us know how your technology has been behaving this week. Let us know if we are alone over here or if you're having any struggles. Did you figure out the TV?

I have to call Spectrum, so no, I cannot figure out the TV.

Good times, good times.

I'll call tomorrow.

So our daughter Ella just turned 15 on Sunday. And I can't— last Sunday she already turned 15. And I can't let birthdays go by without talking about the guest of honor.

Oh my goodness.

Right? So, you know, we did Max's birthday, we talked about him turning 17.

Yeah.

And now we're going to talk about Ella turning 15. Yes. Now, I don't know about you, I had a harder time with Ella turning 15 than Max turning 17. I did not know that. I'm asking you how you did with both of those numbers.

I think I had a harder time with Max.

Really? Interesting. Now, 18. 18.

I'm glad you've made that emotional apology yourself.

Oh my God, 18. So I have my son for one more year and then I will share him with the universe. One more year with Max. So let's talk about Ella. Yes, let's talk about my wonderful, easy, sweet, kind— I'm gonna cry talking about her. She's so easy, and she has her own challenges.

Yeah, right, everybody does.

Do you find her easy to parent?

Yes.

Yes. Um, what do you love the most about her?

I think she is a messenger from heaven.

Oh!

I have no other explanation for some of the things that come out of her mouth.

Do you have an example for us?

I wasn't prepped for this, so no, I do not. Oh my God, I didn't take any— I didn't come prepared.

I can't— I'm gonna warn you, we don't know how many tears there are going to be tonight, but— okay, so our kids are 17, 15, and 11. I turned to the 11-year-old and I say, thank you, Lily, for only being 11.

Yes.

So Ella's a freshman, and I just want you to take yourself back to being a freshman, and I want you to try to get in your children's shoes, whatever age they are, and I want you to try to remember what that felt like. And when Ella talks to me about some of the challenges that she has, I can put myself back into my freshman self and understand her more than she knows. And what I said at the dinner table the other night was, um, freshman year was the year of insecurity. And my son told me I nailed it. I think my— I think Seth would say it was the year of opportunity for him.

I had a different experience.

So for me, um, we have talked about this before, we both came into high school with no friends. I—

high school, we moved, I didn't know anybody.

So he moved. I came from a middle school where all the kids went to one high school, but based on where I was districted, I went to a different high school. My parents wanted me to go to the school. They felt like it was a really good school, and the bus would pick me up at my house, so it wasn't up for negotiation. I went to the high school. I didn't have any friends, and, um, the year ended wonderfully. It ended with friends and happiness, but it was definitely the year of insecurity for me. So when Ella talks about her challenges, I can relate and feel what it feels like. And I told her, you're, you know, by sophomore year I was comfortable at my school. Freshman year I was not comfortable. So for, for Ella, she is getting comfortable in a new school, and not only is she not necessarily comfortable yet in her new school, but she's also not comfortable in her own skin. And I do know what that's like, and I hope that as she blossoms, as she grows up, as she goes through high school, that she finds comfort in her school and in her own shoes.

Amen.

In her own skin. Yes. So Ella, we did a cake for Ella. We ordered a cake from the wonderful Kate Bakes. And she did a lemon cake for Ella, and what it said was the lyric to the song 15 from Taylor Swift. It said, "Cuz when you're 15." So Ella requested this cake with this lyric on it and talked to me, you know, a lot about this song called 15. So of course I had to listen to it, and I'm listening to it as I'm writing this blog, and some of the lines stuck out to me, and you know, made me kind of understand Ella better. And I think the line that made me the saddest, that she probably could relate to if she was here to talk about it, is, um, "Try and stay out of everybody's way." Oh my goodness. Oh, so, um, I don't want my daughter trying to slip into the shadows. I want her to own the room, and we are far from that. But when I heard that line, I was like, oh, I was like, I know how she's feeling, and that does not work for me. Like, I do not want this for her. I want her to be comfortable and talk to people and not try to disappear. Okay, I didn't know who I was supposed to be at 15, says Taylor Swift. Did any of us know who we are or who we were gonna be at 15? No, no, like not at all. And you know, I would so much rather be 47-year-old me than 15-year-old me. What about you?

Yeah, totally different place.

I mean, I'm comfortable in my skin, I'm confident, I'm secure, I'm happy. And I don't know that Ella or Lily would say any of those things.

I would hope they're happy.

I would hope that they're happy, but there's a lot of happy-ish. There's a lot of growing to do. And the interesting thing in the song is that Taylor says, take a deep breath as you walk through the doors. So I was like, even Taylor Swift feels anxiety. It's not just Ella and other girls and, and boys in their freshman year. So this song about freshman year was appropriate. And I love that she picked it for her cake, and I love some of the things that I'm seeing with her. I'm seeing her developing new interests, right?

Yeah, that's been a huge shift.

I'm seeing her have challenges, successes, disappointments, happiness. Yeah, all of the feelings, like all of them. Can we stick to the happy ones?

I sound like your husband.

I guess the the disappointments and the challenges is what makes us grow. Yes, right. Um, I'm seeing her make new friends and keep some old friends, right?

Yes.

I'm seeing her putting herself out there. What did you think about seeing your daughter on the, uh, stage as a freshman doing a play?

I thought that was awesome that she got a speaking part as a freshman because a lot of freshmen, you know, don't get speaking parts.

Well, and not only that, but My question for Ella, and I can't ask her, she's upstairs somewhere. How come she's confident on stage but not necessarily in the classroom?

Because my assessment of the answer, my guess as to what she would say is because on stage she's being, has permission to be someone else.

Oh boy, isn't being yourself easier?

Not necessarily.

She's also finding her voice.

Yes.

Now this sweet, easy child has no problem telling me when she thinks I'm wrong.

Yeah.

Have you noticed that?

I have.

That's new.

Yes.

That is like, "What are you talking about?" You know, she's learning a lot in school. So like whether it's politics or religion or vocabulary. Vocabulary.

Yeah, she corrected you on word usage the other day.

She did. The good news is she's very smart.

Yes.

So she knows that.

She definitely has confidence there.

But I hear how she talks to herself. She has let me in on the voice. I know the voice very well because I had the voice. And I'm not going to tell you the voice, the critical voice, never comes back because it does.

Of course.

We talk about it.

Yes.

We both talk about that critic. We were just talking about it the other day.

We were.

And we helped each other.

We did. You were very helpful.

Isn't it interesting that we were having a very similar critical voice and that it was very easy for me to help him but not myself?

Yes, and it was the exact same critical inner voice, just different topics.

And it goes to show that you need to talk to people.

Yes.

Yes.

So thank you for your help, by the way.

She— you're welcome. So she let me in on that critical voice And, you know, the thing that we need to teach our kids, and I'm trying to teach my kids, is that we want them to talk to themselves how they would talk to their best friend. And if their best friend was struggling with something or was having some sort of challenge, what would they tell their best friend? And learning to be their own best friend, so not beating themselves up and being critical, but being a friend and being kind and being supportive to themselves. So like, when Ella is beating herself up about something or being critical about herself, I want her to be able to say, you know, what would I say to my best friend? Let's be my friend instead of beating myself up. So I am hoping that I can really see a change in that this year because I think she's old enough and smart enough to change that.

Yeah.

I really do. So what I, what I love when what we do with our children is I love when we have really special one-on-one time, and I think it makes them feel special to a new level, and I think it's so important. So how are we going to have one-on-one time with Ella? Do you know what's coming up? Well, what did we get her for her birthday?

We got concert— Olivia Rodrigo concert tickets.

So Seth and I made the decision together to splurge on some tickets in Toronto, which is not— we're, we're not in Toronto, so we're gonna drive a couple hours to Toronto. And, and, um, I think Seth is going to be our Uber driver. Yep, because he's so sweet. And he's gonna drive us to the concert. Yeah, and do your thing in the hotel or whatever. I'm sure. So mind you, he does— don't feel bad, he does not want to go to the concert.

I'm not going to the concert. I will read a book in the hotel room. You guys go have fun.

So I'm gonna get time with her at the concert, and we're both gonna get time with her overnight at the hotel, and I figure we'll take her out for breakfast.

And we got several hours in a car back and forth.

Yes.

So notice we have some good car conversations.

Who, you and Ella?

You, uh, us and the children when there's one of them in the car.

Yeah, but even when we were all driving to Boston, we had some good conversations.

We did. Yes, for sure.

Yeah, the car is a great place for conversation.

Yes.

And what I have learned—

can't escape.

Well, what I've learned from therapists is it's very easy for them, it's a much easier conversation because they're not directly looking at us. So we're all looking forward.

Yeah.

So it's less stressful.

Good to know.

And it's less intimidating.

Okay.

Right?

If you say so.

So you didn't know that.

I did not know this. I'm learning something new.

I told you.

From my brilliant wife.

So I think that one-on-one time, no matter what the age, is important. Like, we can always take Max this summer to look at a college, just the three of us.

We could.

Now mind you, we're at a stage where Lily isn't interested, but Ella is. So Ella is a freshman and wants to see these colleges too.

Yeah.

So the nice bonus that we're having is that she's enjoying it too. Yes.

Yes.

Okay, so what are my wishes for Ella?

Is this a pop quiz?

Are you gonna— I have a list.

I was gonna say, I thought it sounded like you were actually asking me, and I was like, was I supposed to memorize this?

No, I wrote down my wishes. So there is a blog at whinypluies.com, and you can go read specifics, as I am not touching on all the specifics that I wrote down. But what are my wishes for Ella in her— is it her 15th year or her 16th year? Is this her 16th I don't know, whatever year. She's 15. This is what I wish for her. Okay. I really want her to see her beauty. I want her to see her. And she read this blog and was touched by it. So that is like so meaningful when they read it. Um, Lily just read my first book and went through the whole thing and is now reading my second book.

That's so awesome.

When I wrote all this stuff, I was thinking about my kids reading it one day and it's actually happening. So it's pretty cool.

Yes.

So I want her to see her beauty. I want her to see her beauty inside and outside. I'm going to guess, and you tell me if I'm wrong, that she sees her beauty inside better than outside.

Yes.

So I tell her all the time, I've had so many people tell me, um, how beautiful she is. Um, I posted her 15-year-old picture and I got so so many comments about how she looks so much more mature and she's so beautiful. And I told her all of that because I want her to take it in. So I love that she knows that she's beautiful inside, and I want her to own that it's also outside.

I will be very excited for that.

Well, you can help.

I, I do, but I don't know if she can hear it coming from us.

I hope that you help. I want her— one of the things I want to teach my children is that they have to foster their friendships. So what I mean by that is that Ella is the type of person— and I respect who she is, I, I love that she knows this about herself— she's in a bunch of clubs and she volunteers and she goes to school. So Ella likes a lot of downtime at home, and I appreciate that and I want her to have that, but I also want her to foster her friendships and make an effort to make plans with her friends. And I don't want it to always come from me. Um, I was talking to her friend's mother and I was like, you know, I guess we still have to text to clarify plans. Like, they're not there yet, but they're getting there.

Progress.

We've made progress. But like, text your friends, see if they want to go to the movies, see if they want to go bowling, invite them over. Like, make an effort. So I want her to work to, to do that.

Pro-social skills.

And I am good at doing that.

You are amazing.

But I don't want to have to always do it for them.

No, they got to learn.

I've given up on Max. I mean, Max is 17, he's on his own.

Yeah.

So he will say, I'm going to the gym with my friend, I'm going to my friend's house. Like, good, he's, he's old enough. Um, Ella will get there. Yeah, she's, she's getting there. I want her to continue to put herself out there. I wanted to audition for everything. We were talking about auditioning for a special Taurus. Like, put yourself out there. Sometimes you're going to be disappointed, and sometimes you're going to get what you want. So I want to keep—

only one way to find out.

I want to keep encouraging her to try. Yes, right. And I don't want her to get defeated. Like, I don't want her to give up. Like, if it's something you want to do, keep going. Ella takes voice lessons and really works on her voice because she wants to make it into choruses, into the musical. Like, she wants to improve, so I love that about her.

Yeah, she does the work.

Okay, I look back at being 15, and I would say one of the most helpful things for me— and I want you to think about what was helpful for you— is that I always came home to my mom, and she was like the stable force. So I would go to school. Come on, I'm hormonal. I'm a teenager. I have emotions. I have insecurities. And I would hold all my emotions in all day. And then I would come home and let it out. And she was the safe place where I could let it out. So, you know, she always talked to me about all my feelings about friends and boys and drama. And, you know, I say to Lily, "Oh God, there's more drama." But my mom never rolled her eyes and said, "Oh God, you have more drama." She never said that to me. She listened and she was there for me and she got me through the teenage years and the, and the 20s. The 20s weren't easy either for me before you.

Thank you for clarification, honey.

You were the later 20s. The early 20s were not easy. So I want to be that for Ella. I want to be that for all my kids. I want to be the stable force that they can come to.

That's beautiful.

And you too, you're a stable force.

I am, most of the time.

Well, so somehow I got this honor to be her mom, and it feels pretty special that I tease my kids that they picked me because I really do believe that. I believe that our kids pick us, and you might believe something else. I don't know what you believe.

Yes.

Does that mean you believe that they pick us? You could say no.

I don't know if it's their choice. I would believe more that we were all chosen together.

Oh, a soul family.

Sure, if that's what it's called.

Well, that's what Sylvia Brown calls—

well, Sylvia Brown can't possibly be wrong, so let's go with that.

What you don't know about me is that I love Sylvia Brown. And if you haven't—

she was so psychic, how come she couldn't quit smoking? Um, just a thought.

We all have vices.

Nope, I don't smoke.

Well, so, so what I tell— sorry, what I tell the world, what I tell my friends is, you know, I'm, you know, I'm not eating sugar when I'm skinny. That's all I'll say about vices.

There you go.

So if you see me shrinking, you know I'm not eating sugar. I'm just saying.

Yeah.

So I do love her. I, um, she's deceased, but I did love her and I still love her books.

Yes. Okay, fascinating individual.

So, um, thank you, Ella, for picking me to be your mom. I do think she chose me.

Yes.

And I am honored, and I'm looking forward to watching her learn and grow and blossom and I think that sophomore year is going to be even better. I really do. I mean, freshman year is almost over.

How did that happen?

I mean, I'm gonna warn you that, you know, I saw my friend getting emotional about her daughter going to middle school, and I had to like contain—

yeah—

what I wanted to say. Like, I didn't say what I wanted to say was, hey, I'm looking at colleges and you're worried about middle school, but That would not have made you feel good back when your kids were first going to middle school. I mean, you know, some people are having trouble sending their kids to kindergarten, so—

I remember that day.

I was there. I didn't want him to go to preschool and he didn't want to go to preschool.

That was fun times.

I don't miss those times when he didn't want to go to preschool, okay? So whether your kids are going to middle school or high school or college, They're gonna get through it. We're gonna help them through it. And we've arrived at high school with Ella, and she's almost done with the first year.

So progress.

Oh, I know what I wanted to say.

What'd you want to say?

Uh, high school goes faster than middle school, and college goes faster than high school based on my experience.

Okay.

I think that as they progress and get older that this— the schools go faster the older you are.

Yeah, that feels like the time.

Yeah, like, I mean, freshman year was faster than 8th grade.

You are correct.

I mean, personally, that's my experience. Yes. So I would love to hear how your 15-year-old is doing. I would love to hear what 15 was like for you. And, uh, yeah. Yeah, on to— I don't think it's her 15th year. I think it's her 16th year. I got to figure this out, Mom.

The 9— do the 9 months in the womb count?

Well, no, because 0 to 1, that's her first year.

Oh, it's the way you're counting it. Sure. Who's on the podcast tomorrow?

Thank you for changing the subject.

You're welcome. Okay, so you're going nowhere fast.

I was going to the podcast next.

Well, there you go, you're already there.

So Jack Shatama— I'm trying to say it right— Shatama. Jack Shatama is on the podcast tomorrow. He is the non-anxious leader. And when my wonderful producer Adrienne brought Jack to me, she said, I know you interview women. I'm big on interviewing women. It's a women— it's mainly a woman mom podcast, but Jack sounds wonderful and he's called the Non-Anxious Leader.

How do you not get excited about that?

I mean, could he have a better title? I had to interview him. He was as wonderful as I knew he would be. You're gonna love him. So I hope you'll listen. I hope you'll share it with someone who would benefit. And I did the March Lucky Challenge. It just ended. So every month I do a challenge from the 1st of the month to the 5th of the month, and the more you comment, the more your chances are of winning. And it's so much fun, and I love seeing the comments. So thank you to everyone who participated, and Jody Hutch— Hutchinson is the winner.

Jody, is that Harmony in the Home? No, no, that's Kelly Hutchinson.

You're thinking of Kelly Hutchison.

Hutchinson.

Jody Hutchinson. Okay, I got my Hutchinsons mixed up.

I'm sorry, Jody. Congratulations. Congratulations on being lucky.

And yes, um, so anyways, Jody had tons of comments in the challenge, loved her comments, and Jody is the winner. So we've got Jack tomorrow for the podcast, we got Jody for the winner, and we got Ella turning 15.

It's a good month.

It's a good month.

Good week so far.

So March is a good month. March is a very busy month for us. Why is March so busy? There is so much stuff in March.

School stuff.

Uh, Max has the science fair, Ella has all-county chorus. I just feel like our calendar is like full.

Okay.

And what else is in March?

Uh, my birthday.

Your birthday. So Seth is next.

I'm next.

So anyways, thank you for joining us this Thursday. Sorry we missed you yesterday, but thank you technology for cooperating.

Yes.

And have a wonderful week.

Thank you for watching Whiny Palooza Thursday.

That was good. Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.

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