Episode 335: How do you bounce back from life's challenges?

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Happy late Winey Palooza!

Sorry we're late, we're an hour late. I have good reason. I have been at school since very early and our girls were in a chorus concert, first concert where they were both in it together. So middle school and high school came together and it was beautiful. Did you like it?

I did.

So other than them being way too hot and me being way too hot, way too crowded, way too crowded, but it was beautiful concert. And then I let her— I let one of my— one of my daughters wanted to go home, one of my daughters wanted to go out, so I let her go out with her friends and party, party with ice cream, party with ice cream. So we literally just got home, and I apologize for not being on time because I value your time and I value being on time. But it was important to me to let her have some friend time. And tomorrow we have more stuff. It is a busy week, so we're gonna do it tonight.

There you go.

And last night— can I tell them about last night?

Sure.

I got to be the moderator of a women— women's wellness panel for Beauty Boost Buffalo, and it was an amazing experience. And I got to meet wonderful women, and now I'm I'm going to reach out and have these wonderful women on my podcast. So look forward to that.

That's awesome.

And I got an awesome topic request this week that I want to talk to you about: building emotional resilience. So this topic is for all of us. It's not just for our children. I want to talk about how we build it in our children because we're a parenting and marriage show, show. But I want us to take into account that we need, we need these skills in order to model it and teach it to our kids. So we learn it, we do it, we teach it.

There you go.

Okay, so what is emotional resilience? It is the ability to adapt and cope with unexpected stressful situations in a health— healthy way. And Most of the time, I would say 90% of the time, Seth does a fantastic job of having very strong emotional resilience.

Thank you.

And what he does not know, because we have never talked about this topic ever, is that he has rubbed off more on me.

I did not know this. You are right.

So I definitely would freak out Definitely back in the day, definitely had a lower emotional resilience than Seth, and I feel like you've made me stronger.

Well, thank you, that is very sweet of you.

And I feel like I make you stronger, 100%. But before me, he was stronger. I'm just saying that we've had a positive impact. Yes, and support is part of it. You need support to be resilient. But how can we teach this to our kids? What do we need to do? And I told you, first we need to model it. So if my kids see me freaking out, then they're going to learn when something doesn't go your way, when something's a little off, or look at how— look at even how I've changed how I talk about things. I used to say things like— just change your language. I used to say things like, oh my God, this is such a big deal, this is terrible. And now I say things like, ah, it's a little bit off. And do you see how my emotional state is very different when I say it's a little bit off.

Yes, your language creates a reality.

So talking differently and modeling to my kids that, yeah, sometimes unexpected things come up.

You can deal with it.

Challenges, stressors. So Seth said to me one day, I thought it was hysterical, I'll never forget it, can we skip all this and just like get to the end?

Oops. Yeah, he's like, probably not the best marital.

He's like, you're gonna freak out and have an emotional reaction, and everything's gonna be okay, and we're both gonna have wasted all this energy. So instead of wasting stress— greatest—

well, it might have been logically right. That was not my greatest marital moment.

I mean, I think that logically you could have, you could have said it in a much more loving way, for sure. But he was frustrated with me, and he was like, geez Louise. Do we have to do this whole rigmarole? Like, just calm down. Let's talk about it. Let's get through it together.

I did not know this had a big impact on you other than pissing you off.

So let's—

all the time.

So let's model for our kids that we're gonna have bumps in the road.

Yes.

Okay, so that's one of my other points. Let's normalize it. You're gonna have bumps, you're gonna have stresses, you're gonna have challenges, and you're gonna deal with it. And you can do hard things and and you can handle hard things, and you're a really good problem solver, and you cope, and you can do it. So if we normalize it, like, of course stuff's gonna come up, and if we model it, then they start to learn it. So they're like, oh well, Mom's doing this, so, so I can do it too. I hear my daughter sound just like me when they talk to people, so I want them to sound good, so I better sound good.

That's excellent motivation, right?

They sound exactly like me when they talk to people. And there was something else I wanted to say about modeling. Oh, I know what I wanted to say. So one of the things that parents do, and I have brought this up before, is that we problem solve and we cope in our heads, and we do it all and figure it all out, and our kids don't know what's happening. So instead of thinking about it, to show your work, you have to talk about it. And you have to talk out loud, like, I am really struggling right now because it's 10 o'clock and I'm really tired and I want to go to bed.

Well, that's not entirely true. You want to read for a while first.

Okay, well, we won't talk about reading.

That's another topic.

We have a whole nother marital reading topic, but Point being is let them hear you talk it out. Like, yes, I have a really stressful day tomorrow. I'm nervous about it. How am I going to handle my whole day? Well, I'm going to take it step by step. I'm going to know that I can handle it, and I'm going to do a great job. So let them hear you talk things out out loud, and that helps them learn how to handle things.

That's a really good point. I like that.

Yeah, I have, I have—

I'm going to do that at work.

Yes, I was going to tell you that, that if your employees know that you're stressed and see how you talk it through—

yes, because I do a lot of times probably hide it. Okay, and don't show them the problem-solving process.

Okay, so you're doing with your employees what you're doing with me, and a lot of times I don't even know that you're stressed because you're trying to bury it. And bury it is not good for you.

Or I'm trying to not burden you would be my empowering way to look at that. You're going to disagree with—

yeah, no, 100%, because you've had people say to you, no, you need to talk to your wife and use her as a support. You've had people say that to you?

Yes, I have. However, I still have some thoughts of not serving me, thoughts around, well, you today, you were already stressed enough, I'm not going to add to it.

Oh honey, that's so sad.

Okay, maybe that's because I'm seeing you process out loud.

Okay, so here's one of the fundamental issues in our marriage, and we will do this for another topic. I will take notes. So I am so emotional and so expressive that I have to give you room to be emotional and expressive.

Yes, because I think You're, yes. I have this silly notion of having to believe that you're in a state enough that I could do that.

So I have to be in a good state for you to tell me about a problem that you're having?

Yeah.

No, that's not how.

I don't wanna talk to you when you're all stressed and upset about something. That's not gonna help, it's gonna make it worse. Then you're like.

This is what you say. Honey, it sounds like you had a stressful day. I know that you're stressed and I feel really bad, I need to talk to you about something. Do you have the strength to talk about this? Because I could use some help.

Okay, I will try that next time.

I don't think that if I've had a stressful day, you say, ah, I can't. I mean, we're in this together. If you've had a stressful day and I have something to talk about, I'm going to say, honey, I need you. Can I talk about this? I'm not going to say I've never not talked to you about something because you've seemed stressed, but I'm saying we're in this together and we need to be able to to each other when we need each other.

Okay, I think this would be a wonderful another topic that we could dive into deeper, cuz I could use some help with that.

Okay, well, thank you for sharing.

I'm express—

there, I'm giving you room to express yourself.

I appreciate that.

So yeah, okay, no, well noted. I, I don't like that you have conditions of when you can talk to people, but I understand why. So So what you're learning about at work is that if you tell your employees how you problem solved and how you coped through things, if you share with them, you will start to teach that to them.

That is an excellent, excellent idea, and I will do it tomorrow.

And you got to do that with your kids too. Like, hey guys, I had a really stressful day, but I did a really good job handling it.

This is what I did.

I honestly think I'm better at that with the kids than I am at work.

Okay, so I am not saying his employees are his children— No! Let me finish my sentence. Sorry. I'm not about to say that his employees are his children; I'm not putting them down and saying that but... His employees are his children.

I'm trying to look better with them than at home. I am more open and vulnerable at home.

I don't think that's serving you.

I agree with you now.

Yeah so what Seth is teaching us is that we need to be open and vulnerable with people for so many reasons. One of which is that they see us go through stumbling blocks and they see that we're human and they see that we get through things and then they learn that they can too.

Yes, so that is a good learning point for me.

And encouraging positive thinking, let's talk about that. You're really good at that. Yes, I thought that I was the reframing queen before I met Seth.

You still are.

You take the crown.

No, I'm not taking the crown. We can share it. You can be the queen.

Okay, we'll share the crown. So what I love about positive thinking is it's like a growth mindset. So when you're having stumbling blocks and you're hitting, you're hitting roadblocks, you're making mistakes, things are happening. If you're looking at that as an opportunity for growth, and if you're looking at, okay, what did I learn from that, or what can I learn from that, or what's the positive that comes from that you're going to feel a lot more emotional, emotional resilience.

100%.

Yes. So you agree?

I do agree.

Okay. And if we focus on our children's strengths and our own strengths, that's going to make us more resilient, focusing on our own strengths, and it's going to make our kids more resilient because they're going to hear the positives that we're focusing on, and they're going to think that they're more capable because we're telling them that they are.

Speak it into existence.

Well, yeah, and believing that they can do hard things. We don't have to swoop in and save them. They can, they can handle it.

No helicopter.

Um, I'm not going to tell you I've never swooped in and handled it, but more, more often I am— as they get older and older, I am trying to sit on my hands and take steps back and watch them fly. Yeah, like, they can do this.

Right, 100%.

Okay, teach them problem-solving skills. And what I mean by that is, do you know the problem-solving process? Do you do it and can you teach it? Do you know the problem-solving process?

I, I don't know if there's a specific— I, I don't know what process you're referring to. Is— I know what I do. I don't know if they're okay. The process.

So I'm going to tell you the process and you're going to tell me if you do it.

Okay.

Okay, so there's— so there are problem-solving steps that I was taught. So step 1 is identify the problem. If you don't know what the problem is, you can't attack it.

Agree.

Okay, so we've, we've identified our problem. Now we're going to brainstorm solutions and we're going to come up with a list, and then we're going to think through what are the pros and cons to each solution, which solution is going to pan out to be the best solution, and then we're going to make a pick. Okay, so this, this solution has the most pros to it, so I think I should go with this solution. But we're not going to stop there. We're going to evaluate, did we choose the right solution? How did it go? And then if it went well, we're going to keep building on it. And if it's not going well, then we need to back up and rewind and look back at our options and reevaluate and pick something else.

That is pretty close to what, what I'm doing without realizing it.

I think it's common sense.

Yeah, but I think it's common unsense because—

but I don't—

common sense, you think everything is—

I don't know that our kids could tell us the problem-solving process, so we should probably like spell it out for them.

Yes, I do believe that kind of goes along with like the scientific method they learn in school in terms of experimenting.

Absolutely.

Hypothesis testing.

So they're— we've taught them the problem-solving process, we're modeling, we're pointing out positives, What about emotional awareness? Are they aware of how they're feeling? And my daughter gave me a perfect example the other day. She came down the stairs, she ran up to me, she gave me a hug, and she said, "I am so overwhelmed." And she was just like so flustered and overwhelmed, and I just— she was like shaking, and just— I'm like, "What is going on?" And I said, "Okay, let's take some deep breaths and talk about this." And I was so proud of her because she didn't lash out, she didn't scream, she didn't— she wasn't mean to me. She identified how she was feeling and she told me and she asked for help.

That's awesome progress.

So I mean, that is like, like we give her such a hard time that she lashes out at me all the time. Well, there's an example of her being really emotionally aware that she was feeling really off. And when we got in the car after her being nasty today, she was like, I'm just feeling really tired. So like, I have to remember, like, she's starting to realize, like, Mom, I'm sorry. Like, I know that— I know that I wasn't being so nice to you, but I'm just so tired today.

Awareness is progress.

So if they are more aware, then they know— then they're able to be more resilient because they know what's going on and they know how, how to handle it? Because if I identify that I'm overwhelmed, what do I tend to do to handle that, and how am I going to move forward? I know that I tend to feel overwhelmed, and I tend to exaggerate in my head how long things are going to take. And I know if I just start, I'm going to feel a heck of a lot better. So when I feel overwhelmed, instead of getting frazzled and emotionally unresilient, I'm like, okay, lady, You know how this goes. Start attacking your list and you're gonna feel better, so let's go.

Progress beats perfection.

Right, so identify patterns, identify how you're feeling, and then you know how to handle it. A supportive environment. So this is more complicated than you think it is because if we are reactive, they're not gonna come talk to us about stuff.

Right.

So a great prescription to have a kid who doesn't wanna talk to you is to be reactive and flip out and be overreactive when they talk to you. So if we can, no matter what they say, if we can try to be calm and make them feel safe, they're going to want to talk to us and they're going to want to come to us. But it doesn't stop there. I don't want them to just have Seth and I to talk to. I want them to have a support system. Who else can they talk to? And the bigger the support system and the more people that they talk to, the more resilient they'll be.

Amen.

Amen. Okay, I think this might be it. I think this might be the last one. Let me see. Self-compassion. No, I'm almost done. Two more, Seth. You could do it.

I'm rushing you. I'm serious, I didn't do anything.

You didn't do anything. You're wonderful.

Thank you.

So self— I'm, I'm projecting.

Yes, you're rushing yourself. I promise.

Well, I don't want to rush. I don't want to rush through this important important information.

It is important. You're helping people.

I hope so. Um, I hope that somebody listens and says, this is going to help me be more emotionally resilient.

I am sure that is happening.

Okay, so self-compassion. So what I mean by that is if I expect myself— we've talked about this before This is just one example. If I expect myself to get up at 6 AM and to go non-stop until 11 PM, that is really harsh.

It's a long day.

That's unrealistic. And how am I going to be resilient when I have these enormous expectations of myself? Or if I never allow myself to make mistakes— that, I think that was one of my biggest issues, is that I wasn't giving myself room to be human. Like, why would I ever expect myself to be this perfect human? Nobody's perfect. So if I start to have self-compassion towards myself, I'm going to be more resilient.

100%.

So you agree with that?

I do. And good job, me.

And you're gonna love this one because I know you very well.

You do indeed.

If we have an internal locus of control we're going to have a heck of a lot more resilience.

What is internal locus of control mean?

Okay, so if we think that we have control over things, okay, then we're gonna feel emotionally strong. And if I'm thinking that— I'm sorry, I'm getting a text message that I'm moving out of the way so I can see. So what was I saying?

Internal locus of control.

Okay, thank you, thank you, thank you. So if I think that I have control over my own thoughts and behaviors, then I'm going to feel more resilient. If I think that other people have control, that's going to make me feel a lot less strong. If I—

powerless.

If I give people the power, then that's not making me feel strong. So there's a lot of things that we don't have control over, lists of things that we don't have control over, but if we focus on that, that's going to make us feel worse. If we flip it and we look for things that we actually can control, we're gonna feel so much better. And a perfect example is that no matter what our kids do, no matter what our spouse does, we have control over how we react to them. And that's brought me a lot more resilience in the last few years because I've realized that I can't control other people. And trying to control other people was just making me emotionally frustrated.

Yes.

And we, we can't control other people. We shouldn't try to control other people. Let's focus on what we're doing. And the other thing that I see is, based on what I'm doing, I'm affecting how other people are acting. So I may be shifting people— not that that's the goal. The goal is focus on controlling myself.

That makes sense.

So external locus of control versus internal locus of control. And I think that in your work, when we talk about your situations, you always try to focus on, okay, what can I control in this situation?

Yes, because feeling powerless makes you go into a more negative spiral.

So I would say that a couple of the things that are not on this list— and I did research and this was not on the research, the research articles that I looked at— but as I'm thinking about what makes me emotionally resilient, there's two huge things with Lily and I: getting enough sleep and eating regularly and drinking regularly. And if I haven't eaten and I haven't had water and I haven't slept good I'm gonna be a lot less resilient.

Yeah.

So it's a lot of stuff for us to learn for ourselves. It's a lot of stuff to teach our kids. I think my question for Seth, and he may have to think about it, is, you know, at home, you know, you have a partner in charge with you to help you through things. And at work, I know you have people to help you. You have a great team. But you're kind of at the top by yourself, so you don't have like an equal. And the reason I'm saying that is because how— what do you think that you need to be more resilient at work and to help your employees be more resilient at work?

That's a great question. I don't know that I'd say I'm 75 to 80% resilient would be the grade I would give myself. I would like to do more expressing and teaching to bring my team up to a level— I don't expect them to be me, but closer to where I am, so we can problem solve better and faster. Um, and then I'll work some more on me, but I honestly think I'm— I lately been doing pretty good. I just need to share how I do it so others can follow me.

Well, and, and what I was going to say to that is that I think that one of the keys to our resilience at home is the support that we give each other. And I think even at work, like, if you reach out to me that you're feeling stressed about something, I try to help you from home. Yeah. So I think support Support is like a huge key to resilience.

It certainly helps.

And, um, I know you're yawning and tired.

Seriously, I'll do 20 more minutes if you want.

I'm not doing 20 more minutes. I'm, I'm freaking tired too. I've been going non-stop since 6 AM.

Yes, you have.

So this was a fantastic topic. I think we could all use to be a little more emotionally resilient. We can always grow, we can always learn. I never ever think that I have like totally mastered something. I always think that I have room for growth. So I will continue to work on this, and you will continue to work on this, and we'll continue to teach this to our children and to our employees— to your employees.

Awesome.

They're not my employees, they're your employees.

Well, what's mine is yours.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So keep sending in topic requests because I love your topic requests. And, um, I want to tell you who was on the podcast on Friday.

How about that?

So I have Linda Ross Vega on, and she is going to teach us about unlocking the power of your perception. How cool is that?

That's pretty cool.

And I, I loved her. I've interviewed so many wonderful women. I have so many recorded. I'm so excited for you to hear them. I hope you enjoy them. Come join the Winey Clues a Mom group on Facebook if you haven't. It's a supportive, safe, uplifting environment. And join the newsletter, uh, if you go to wineyclusa.com, there is a Linktree, has all the links to everything— the podcast, the blog, the vlog, the newsletter, the group, the books, all of it. So thank you for joining us. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing any comments about what you might have taken away from this. Thank you for sharing this with a friend that you think would benefit from it. And, um, anything else?

We'll see you next week.

See you next week. Have a great week. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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