Episode 339: Making The Holidays Less Stressful

Happy May! Happy May 1st! Happy Wine Wednesday! Our summer present arrived today.

Yes, your choice of summer presents.

So every year I buy my family a summer— we buy our family a summer present whether they like it or not. And what did we buy?

You bought a pickleball set.

And did you have fun?

We tried to play some pickleball.

We've got a lot to learn, but it's gonna be great.

and some people need some assistance.

So I am very tired because my son woke me up at 5:30, which is too early for me. Yeah, not a fan. But I am going to stay awake for this, and then I'm gonna go to bed. So let's talk about making holidays less stressful, and I'll tell you why I wrote about this. And there's going to be a part 2 next week, and I'll tell you about the part 2 at the end.

Okay. So no, there was a part 2.

There is a part 2. So I'm finding that having been a mother for 17 years, one of the expressions that comes out of my mouth is, "We could just skip it." I have said that about Passover that we just had. I have said that about Lily's bat mitzvah that I need to plan. I think that I am, you know, a little tired. I'm not tired for the things that I'm not tired for, right?

Isn't that interesting? Um, you want to do something, you magically have energy.

So I did contemplate skipping Passover, and I'm going to tell you the major reasons why. Now, religion should come before this stuff that I'm going to tell you, and I am aware of that. First of all, it was show week for Lily.

Musical theater.

And you know, I didn't talk to Mill about this and they didn't know, but they picked one of the worst weeks for the show for me, for Jewish people.

Yes.

Um, it was— you're supposed to have a Seder on Monday and Tuesday night, the first two nights. And I'm gonna tell you one of the tips to ease your stress that I told myself: do the holiday when it works for you.

Whichever holiday we're talking about.

I'm talking about Easter, I'm talking about Mother's Day, I'm talking about Christmas. I know so many people— in fact, my friend's whole family was working on Christmas. Nurses, police officers, everybody was working on Christmas, so they celebrated like a different day. It doesn't have to be the day, it doesn't have to be on the right state or night. So tip number 1: find a date that works for everybody. And so I did, and I was like, okay, you're gonna get through the show, you're gonna get through the week, and then Sunday you're gonna have your family over. Which honestly, I think we were exhausted from show day.

We were.

There was really not a good time this past week to do it, which is part of why I wanted to skip it timing-wise. Um, doing a seder on a Monday or Tuesday night during the school year is not ideal. And doing it during show week, not ideal, but I persevered.

You did.

Okay, tip number 2. I want to thank Seth and Ella. I want to give Seth a huge thank you, and I'm gonna, and I'm gonna thank Ella again too when we're done. So I got up and I instantly started working and cooking, cooking, baking, cleaning dishes, setting up, you name it. And Seth and Ella were awake and helping, you know, enlist your family's help. I think one of the things that mothers do wrong, and I see this in every single house, most houses— some mothers delegate better than I do— is that we think we have to do everything, and that is not the case. You have a family who's your team, and Melissa taught me that. Melissa has totally changed my views on family and who need— I used to say thank you for helping me, and I realized why is this for me? It's for our family.

Yes.

So Ella helped with mashed potatoes, Seth helped with mashed potatoes. Seth did— Seth has learned so much. I have to give Seth so much credit during this episode because I can't even tell you, I still snapped at him And I'm gonna apologize again for that. I, I think I only snapped once.

That is correct. I was in— that is an improvement.

Um, so I'll tell you what we've learned.

I've learned each holiday I learned the painful lesson and then don't do that mistake for the next holiday, so they keep getting better from my end.

I'm sorry. So 20 years later, pretty much 20 years later, I wrote 19 in here. You can find the whole blog at whineypalooza.com. But 20 years later, I have to tell you what Seth and I have learned. Seth is amazing, and he knows one of two of— two of the things that helps me tremendously. Number one, he knows I'm gonna forget crap at the store, and it happens almost every holiday. And he's like, I'm ready as many times as you need me to go to the store. The store is across the street, and he's wonderful, and he'll go as many times as I need him to go. And I was like, I need eggs and oil and whatever else I needed. Or butter, butter, not eggs. I actually remembered eggs, but I didn't realize I needed butter. So Seth was like, tell me what you need, I'll go get it. Like, he's so like calm and he knows I forgot stuff. He knows we need wine and he's off to the store. And then he comes back and he says the famous line that I taught him that just like makes me feel so loved. What else can I do? And he said it the whole day. And he didn't watch me work for 12 hours, he worked with me for 12 hours.

I might have 20 years ago, in a previous episode, many, many years ago, sat on my butt and made her very upset that I was not helping. So I have learned that lesson.

I mean, I don't think that I expect you to do the 12 hours with me, but you did like most of it with me. Yes. And, and the thing about it is, what I realized when I was reflecting on the holiday, because I, I, I'm jumping to tips all over the place, but one of my tips is like reflect, like talk about the holiday, what went well, what didn't go well, what do you want to continue, what do you want to change. And in reflecting on this previous holiday that we just had, I felt support, I felt like I had a team player, like I felt like we were a team and I felt like we were doing it together instead of it all being on me. And that was my goal. And Seth was like, what can I do? How can I help? What can I do? He's setting up the table, he's setting up the extra chairs, he's asking me what I need. Ella was helping. Max and Lily were sleeping. And I'm just so thankful for how helpful you were. It really makes me feel so loved and so much calmer. I don't know if you noticed that.

I did.

But over the years I have gotten so much calmer.

Well, the more I help, the more calmer you get.

I used to be in a terrible mood the whole day and very snappy.

Yep.

I did—

why are we doing this?

I did get snappy when we were trying to get everything situated and I was trying to sit down, which is hysterical. So lesson learned, lesson learned. I'm not attached. I'm telling you this now for next holiday.

Got it.

So So you and I are making a deal right now, okay? I'm not attached to sitting down. I am telling you, I'm attached to you, okay? Okay. I'm telling you, you and I are gonna let go of any attachment of me sitting down because I'm the host, okay? And I'm gonna wait on people. And me expecting myself to be able to sit down is what set me up for getting snippy with Seth when I wasn't. I was just uptight.

So that means you're gonna miss things and we're gonna start without you, hypothetically.

I, I just wasn't— yes.

Okay, so that's what you're signing up for.

So anyways, so we're going to pick a date that works for us. We're going to enlist the help of our team, our family, and everybody who's coming is not going to come empty-handed. Most people do not come to the holidays empty-handed. And the way that I see it, and you can disagree and the people coming to my house can disagree, but it's my house. I don't want you to guess what I need. I want you to ask me what I need. And if you don't ask, I'm not going to be shy. I'm going to tell you what I need because I can't do it all. I don't want to do it all. So there were multiple— there were 3 couples coming. They all brought stuff. Enlist the help of the people coming. Tell them what to bring. Don't have them guessing. Don't be shy. We need help. We shouldn't do everything by ourselves.

Amen.

Okay, so one of the things that I majorly failed on— so I'm going to give the advice and maybe I'll take it next time.

All right.

So I want to tell you what women do. I want to tell you what really smart women do. They start setting up days before.

Yeah.

So my friend just told me that she sets up the table days before people are coming over. So so she's not setting the table an hour before like I am. She's not scrambling to do everything the day of. Why did I do stuff from 9 AM to 9 PM? Because I left almost everything till the day of, and that's not smart planning. In my defense, I was at school most of the day the day before, but there were days before that that I could have been doing stuff. So most women and men prepare days before and plan ahead. I did not do that, and I set myself up for very long, exhausting days. Yes, right.

Sure.

Um, number 5, I did this, I did this pretty successfully this time. Remember what the purpose of the holiday is. So one of the things that I have let go of, let's see if Seth has noticed this, is that I don't expect everything to to be perfect anymore. I know that the meaning of the holiday is to bring everybody together. I know the meaning of the holiday is connection. I am not trying to have perfect food and a perfect dinner and a perfectly clean house. I'm just trying to bring family, friends, loved ones together. So what is the purpose of the holiday? And don't get lost in stupid stuff like a perfect house.

Yeah, I greatly appreciate that, and that contributes to your calmer emotional state.

So have you noticed a change?

Yeah, you are much, much improved. Every— you improve every year.

So getting more and more calm?

Yes.

So maybe next year?

Yeah, if you do a little bit of planning ahead, you'll just be smooth sailing.

Okay, number 6 is not to get held up by traditions needing to be a certain way. I find that a few of the things that keep me calm are flexibility and open-mindedness and letting go of any perfectionism. And we had a Passover Seder and Seth did an awesome job, and it doesn't have to be hours long. Now mind you, if you are a religious Jewish person and you want a, a Seder that is hours long, then I am so happy for you and I want that for you. That is not what we want. And we don't want an hours Seder, and I think that you have done a good job of making us feel like we have done a sufficient one without doing it too long.

Thanks. So I think nice balancing act.

I think that you are mastering that. What do you think?

I think I've been doing it for 17 years or more, so I guess I think I've gotten pretty good at it.

I think that there's a I think that the fundamental thing with me is that I'm not the best rule follower. And what I mean by that is that some people will say, well, you are supposed to do it like this, and you're supposed to do it like that. And like a bat mitzvah, well, you need to do this for the bat mitzvah. I don't— I reject rules and I reject expectations, and I want to figure out for each event and holiday what works for my family. Does that, does that make sense?

The customized approach.

So I think that if we're open-minded and flexible and not a perfectionist about things, we ease our stress for sure.

Yes, the more perfectionist you are, the harder it is to achieve that, the more stressed you're going to be.

Number 7: learn from each holiday. I was trying so hard to feel successful. And I'll tell you why I don't feel— so I'm evaluating. I told you we need to evaluate after the holiday. What do I want to keep doing? I want to keep getting calmer and calmer and less of a perfectionist for each holiday. That's what I want. That's what I want to continue. I want to be more and more laid back every year.

That's a good goal.

I mean, I think I'm hugely different from when you met me.

Completely.

When I used to be When I met Seth— okay, okay, so when, when Seth and I— I have said this before on the live, but when Seth and I moved in together, I expected things to be perfect, like clean. I cleaned all the time. I wanted everything perfect. It made me feel calm to have everything perfect, but I was driving myself nuts in the process. And then I had a kid, and I was still still trying to achieve it. And then I had a second kid and I was like, I'm exhausted, forget this, right? Yes. And then by the time Lily mess everything up— well, what is so frustrating is I will clean and they will come home and what was the point? Sometimes I think, what was the point? I got to enjoy it for a little while, right? Um, so yeah, learn from each holiday. And I learned that do some stuff days ahead and don't be attached to sitting down. And what else did I learn?

I think that's a good list.

Okay, what did you learn from this holiday?

I learned the, the more prepared you are, the calmer you are. And I learned to keep asking, what else can I do to help? And I also learned to— the importance of being flexible.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I appreciated everything you did. I appreciate everything you did. Every single thing you did. Tip number 8 is to honor losses, and we're going to talk more about this for our part 2. So every holiday makes me personally think of my grandparents. I don't know how Seth feels, but there are times where I start— I find my mind wandering to who used to be at the table.

Yeah, I thought about the Passover Seders I got to go to as a kid when I was growing up at my grandmother's house, when all of my aunts and uncles and they brought all my cousins and everybody came into town for the past— for Passover, and we had a giant, huge, half-filled Seder.

So to me, um, the way that I honor them is I think about them, and I think about how I think about them around the table. So Mother's Day is coming, and, ah, some of my very good friends have lost their mother, and my mother has lost her mother years— how many years ago? 20 years ago? Yes, 20 years ago. And so Mother's Day isn't the easiest for everybody. And we're going to talk about that next week. We're going to talk about, um, some advice for Mother's Day, some coping strategies for Mother's Day, some things to do for yourself for Mother's Day. I've got lots of Mother's Day ideas bubbling to the surface that I want to write about. So next week we'll talk about Mother's Day.

Awesome.

And I just want you to start thinking about how you want to honor your mother whether she's here or not here, um, I get the pleasure of getting to honor both of our mothers, and I don't take that for granted at all. Um, I feel very blessed that we get to spend time with Seth's mom and we get to spend time with my mom, and I get to spend time with my family, and I'm very thankful. And I'm sending love to everybody who might be struggling because they know it's coming. And, um, I think that maybe the holidays are getting easier. Maybe I am getting better at the holidays.

I think so.

Um, maybe getting more confident, maybe getting more skills. Um, you're also—

I mean, our kids are older, right? You're not worried also about changing diapers or nursing at the same time as trying to cook.

I'm gonna— I'm gonna be okay. So you just nailed something that I have never thought about before. So we used to divide and conquer, and what that looked like was you hated holidays because I would disappear. Yes. And I would cook and clean and bake, and you would take care of the kids all day.

Yes.

And I just expected you to be on daddy duty the whole day while I did stuff. And I think the reason you're happier is because you don't have to do that, and the reason I'm happier is because you're available to help me instead of watching the kids.

Yes, and at least one child, they could, they all could help if they were all were awake at the time that we started cooking, but you have extra helpers when they help.

Well, and, and the older they get, the more they'll help.

Yes.

The more, and the more we can delegate.

Yes.

So I mean, Ella peeled a whole bag of potatoes. I mean, that was super helpful. Yes. So I learned a lot, and holidays are interesting. I think what I wrote was that holidays are, are, can be stressful, joyful, and sad all at the same time. We can experience so many emotions on the holidays, so I want you to know you're not alone. There's lots of feelings for holidays.

Um, yes, holidays look different as they get older.

Yes, and don't you find, I mean, I know that little kids and holidays are so exciting, but don't you think that they're kind of easier. Yes, I think they're easier. Um, you know, there's nothing like a little kid opening a present and being all excited, but I definitely think the older they get, the easier it gets. And you want to know what Kristen wrote me after she read my blog?

Sure.

Um, we were chatting back and forth about it, and she was like, wait until, um, you're going to one of your kids' houses for the holiday.

Oh boy.

And I was like, oh my God, like, can't even imagine. So, okay, so let's talk about what's next. What's next is, uh, the May Mother's Day challenge started today in the Wendy Who's a Mom group. So go find me on Facebook. It's a free supportive group. And we started our challenge today and I'm gonna give away Mother's Day prizes. So come find me and participate. And be among wonderful people in the group. And the Winey Palooza newsletter is going strong. If you want to join it, there is a Linktree at winypalooza.com with everything Winey Palooza. The podcast this Friday is Nina Gelato, and ah, isn't this ironic that she's talking about helping through the grieving process?

How about that?

Is that hysterical after what I just said? Like, I couldn't have timed it better. So Nina's gonna help us through the grieving process. She has lots of experience helping families through the process, and you're gonna love her and you're gonna learn from her. And anything else I'm missing?

You got the podcast, you got the newsletter, you got the Linktree, you got the blog or the website. I think you're good.

You know what you always tell them?

Like, share, comment, and subscribe.

Yes, and then I say, and please share it with a friend. Yes, thank you for covering that because I never do. So thank you for joining us. Happy spring! We have spring weather in Buffalo, New York. I probably shouldn't say that too loud, but we were outside playing pickleball tonight and it's making my heart so happy to be outside with my family. So I hope you get to enjoy some nice weather, and we will be back next week.

Thank you, Margaret, for the kind words. Oh my gosh, so much for everything you do.

I miss that. You're wonderful. We love you. And guess what came tonight? My glow from Margaret.

Oh, I thought we were talking about the pickleball set. What is your glow?

Um, I'm gonna— it's like to spark— it's body— it's body glitter.

Body glitter.

Oh boy.

Thanks, Mrs. Pauldack. Okay, I'll let you know how that goes.

Oh my God, I love it. Okay, have a good week, everyone. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.