Episode 358: Master the Mom Mental Load

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Plousa Podcast, and I am very excited for who I'm bringing to you today. We get to talk to Valerie Ricor. Valerie, Valerie, thank you so much for being here with me. I'm so worried about her last name that I'm screwing up her first name. Thank you for doing this with me today.

Yeah, thank you for having me. I'm excited for this conversation.

This is the perfect topic for our listeners today. Valerie is a productivity coach and she's helping moms gain a sense of control, which we all need, and more time with our families, which sounds fantastic, and end our days feeling at peace. I don't know that I ever end my days feeling at peace, so I'm very excited. She's also a certified Fair Play Method facilitator. So let's jump in so Valerie can help us. And I really would love to start with finding out what inspired you to become a productivity coach helping moms in particular.

Yeah. So I started, let's see. So I have an almost 9-year-old and an 11-year-old, both girls. And when my oldest was born, I quit working the corporate world. I was a corporate trainer. I was like, I am going to find this magic balance of working part-time and being home part-time, and it's gonna be wonderful because I had no interest in working full-time with kids. Now, I fully know the privilege in that. I know plenty of families where both parents work full-time. I understand that. Um, so hear, hear that. But I, so I started a professional organizing business because I love to organize. Things and closets and stuff. It's what I do when I'm stressed out. And over time that morphed into productivity coaching. I learned that that was sort of what I enjoyed more was that time management piece. Um, throughout all of this, I was listening to friends talk about how busy they were, and I never really understood what they were busy doing, but we talk about being busy like it's a badge of honor. Right? Like, I'm just busy, busy. This is just what I'm busy doing. Like, what are we busy doing exactly? Um, and complaining about their partners, like their partners were just somebody else they had to take care of. And none of that sat right with me. I really felt like we could be doing better. And then the pandemic showed up and I watched moms just being slammed across the board on everything. I remember reading an article early on about a woman who had her own business, and I don't remember what her business was, but she employed, let's say, 7 to 9 people. And her husband had been home with their toddler for 2 or 3 days and was like, I can't do this anymore. And she quit her— she shut down her business to be home with her husband. And I just thought, there is something so wrong with this. And so I really just started to focus on moms of like, we— and we are just so conditioned as moms. There's so many pieces to this. We are also very conditioned as moms to just do everything ourselves, to take it all on ourselves. We've been conditioned to take care of the house and our kids as though we were naturally designed for this, when in reality we've just had more practice. So we're— that's why we do— we're better at it because we've just been taught how to do it.

Yeah.

Um, and so none of that sat right with me. So there I just focused my business on moms because I think we can do better. I think we as moms can fight the conditioning and a society we can support moms better.

100%. I mean, I resonated with everything you said. And, you know, I do wanna tell you that I did meet a wonderful woman on this podcast journey who taught me that my family was my team. I used to think I had to do everything. And she was like, you know, your family's your team. And I never had looked at it like that. And we do. I think I have to do everything and I have come a long way, but I still fall into that trap.

Mm-hmm. It's easy. I mean, I still occasionally fall into that trap too, and this is the work I do.

Yeah.

Because that conditioning runs so deep.

Yeah, it does. Yeah, it does. So moms talk about the mental load. We talk about how we carry the mental load. Can you explain to everyone exactly what that is? And then we'll talk about handling the mental load. Yeah.

So the mental load is that tickertape of tasks that is constantly running through your head all the time, and it doesn't end because there's always something that needs to happen. And so an example I like to share is sometime last fall, I sat down with my kids and I, I like to take my kids, um, shoe shopping and clothes shopping when they have a day off from school. I will clear my schedule and then we will go do this because the stores tend to be less busy on a Friday morning than a Saturday morning, right?

Yeah.

So my kids had some time off of school and we knew they needed some new shoes and some clothes. And I sat everybody down. I was like, okay, here, I'm trying to figure out how this is gonna happen. We need to go to all of these stores and we need to buy all of these things, and we do not have time to do all of this on the Friday morning that I have allotted for this time. So how are we gonna decide what to do? And I just explained everything that was running through my head. And one of my kids looked at me and went, whoa. That was all in your brain. I was like, yes, this is what mom thinks about all the time. I am constantly juggling what needs to happen and trying to figure out when and how all of this stuff is going to happen on top of working a paying job. And so there is, it's that, it's just that like never-ending list of things in our brain that you wake up at 2:00 AM and you wonder, does my kid need toothpaste? And what? What flavor of toothpaste do they even like anymore? Because my kids like different kinds. And so it's just like this constant wondering of what— thinking about what needs to happen. Um, and it's never ending.

Yeah. I mean, I, I have to tell you, I got a little teary when you were talking about that. It's a big load. It feels like a lot. And I see moms get very upset and sad and overwhelmed and angry about the load. So how can we help them deal with their mental load a little easier?

Yeah. So it's getting that invisible load and making it visible. So, you know, our partners and our families don't see this list constantly running through our heads. They don't see it, and it's not their fault. They just don't see it. It's in our heads. We don't always share all of this stuff with them. And so you had mentioned in, in your introduction that I'm a certified Fair Play Method facilitator. And when I came across Fair Play a few years ago, it's this— it's a book written by a woman named Eve Rodsky. And she has this whole system that helps you have a conversation with your partner and with your family in a way that is— it gets everybody on the same team. It's not mom just telling everybody what to do. Like, you are having discussions about what does a clean kitchen look like at the end of the day? What does that mean that somebody is taking out the trash? Who is in charge of teaching our kids all the things that we have to teach them, from money to puberty to all of the things that, that we need to teach our kids? Who is the tooth fairy? Do we believe in the tooth fairy? What does the tooth fairy deliver? And what does that— like, who's in charge of calling the tooth fairy when she's needed? And so it's kind of getting all of this out in the open to have this discussion, um, and you talk about— so then, so then people know what's going on. Your, your family knows all of the tasks. It's not all in your head keeping track of everything. It is getting everybody else on board so you can work together. That's the short version of that answer.

No, it's really good. And, and I want to tell you something, the holiday What was the last holiday? Passover looked a little different for my family. It's been 20 years with my husband, and I felt really different after Passover this year. And I told him it was because I felt like we were a team. I didn't feel like it was me the whole day, like he was jumping in and doing stuff, and he knows what needs to get done. It's been 20 years, and he wants to help, and he doesn't want his wife to be frazzled and exhausted. However, you know, thank you to my husband who might listen to this, but, you know, I'm thinking about my friend who's going to tell me that her husband isn't on board. So I guess my question for you is, in that scenario with her husband, her husband would not be helping her. Is there a way for the women struggling to get their husbands involved, to give them some maybe advice to get more husband help?

Yeah. Um, so a couple of things. One, we could talk about the word help in so many different ways, because I don't always love that term, right? They're not, they're not helping you. They're participating.

Yes.

Um, and at some point it might just be that you need, uh, couples counseling. That might be the first place to start. And there are couple counsel counselors out there who also work with, uh, the Fair Play method. So they can help with all of this. And it, it could just be that that's where you are, that you just need that support, or you go by yourself if your husband isn't on board to start with, but that's where to start with. Now, if things aren't quite that in that place and you feel like maybe a couple of conversations, um, first would be helpful, then maybe it's approaching it as a, this talking about what the, the end results are. So the end results of all of this work, the work that I do and the incorporating the Fair Play method and working on this mental load is you have a, a mom or a wife, a partner who isn't stressed out and exhausted all of the time. She gets to return to who she is as a person and have— she's going to be more present because that mental load is not all on her. Um, you as a as a husband or partner, get to have a, a much richer relationship with your family because you are involved in a very different way. And it benefits you as well. And certainly there's— there can be this attitude of, well, I don't want the status quo to change because it's been working for me, so why should I step in and help empty the dishwasher and clean toilets if I don't have to? Like, this is not what I want to do, right? And so Understanding that there's goodness that comes out of it for everybody. You're modeling to your kids an equitable partnership. Both of you are going to be happier. Your marriage is going to be stronger. Your relationship with your kids are going to be stronger. Um, there's a lot of benefit that comes out of the other side of it. That does not mean that those first few conversations are going to be easy. Certainly.

Yeah. I mean, there's, there's so much that you said that is so important. And I want to back up to the first thing you said. Do you see that? I met Melissa years ago. Do you see that? I'm still saying that they're helping me. She would be very mad at me for that because we do that. We think that our family is helping us and the dishes are for all of us. Why do I think that they're helping me do the dishes when the dishes are for all of us to use? I just think it's funny that I'm still falling into that trap.

Well, because we've never— we haven't replaced that term with anything better. I think it's just, it's just easier.

Yeah.

It just, that's just what comes out because it feels easier for that.

Well, so as, as a mom who, you know, I think most people listening will say they feel very, very busy during the day. And I know we don't love that term, but, um, I mean, it's balancing a lot. It's balancing parenting, chores, work, volunteer work, like so many things that we're balancing. So how can we make our day look better in a way where we're not falling over at 10:00 at night?

Yes, that's one of my most favorite things to help my clients with. Um, it starts with understanding, one, where your time is going. So tracking your time is one of the first things I have my clients do, and it sounds like a lot of work, and it probably— it feels like it. However, you uncover a lot of stuff when you track your time. And this isn't just sitting down at the end of the day and making a list of where you think your time went. This is every 30 minutes, every 60 minutes, you stop what you were doing and you document what you have been doing so that at the end of a week or two, you can look back and go, oh, hey, I have been doing all of this. So for example, I had a client who, when she did her time tracking, we realized that she was running into the grocery stores multiple times throughout the week. And so we talked about this, like, what is going on here? Is this necessary? And it was, you know, once a week, once or twice a week, she was running in to buy vitamins from a store and then they might be out of a snack for the kids and she never wanted the kids to be out of their favorite snack. And so we talked about how to streamline this. Okay, can you make a list of all the vitamins you need from this specific store and go in once a month and buy a month's worth of vitamins or every 2 weeks if that makes more sense? What happens if your kids go a few days without their favorite snack? And it turned out they were fine, but she had been— it was just so ingrained in her that her kids must have this stuff or it was going to be— and, you know, certainly our kids are going to have a tantrum about it, possibly, but we can work through that. And so she streamlined her grocery shopping and it saved her probably several hours every week because she wasn't just zipping into the store on the way to or from work or picking up her kids or whatever to pick up a few things. It was, we have this list of everything. And so like my husband and I have a, a Costco list. We have a master list of everything we buy at Costco. And every 2 weeks before one of us goes, we go through that list and figure out what we're gonna run out of in the next few weeks. So we're not there all the time. We're buying stuff all at once. Now, certainly there are things that can impact whether you're doing that, but that's sort of the idea is to streamline that. The other piece to couple with tracking your time is identifying your values as a family. And if you don't like the word values, go with goals. I didn't like the word values for the longest time. I've come around to, to using them in my life, but maybe it's goals. Maybe it's, um, how do you want life to look and feel for the next 3 months or 6 months, the summer? Um, And then you're gonna match your activities and tasks to that list of values. Now, certainly we all need to do the dishes and do the laundry and clean our bathrooms and all of that stuff, but you can come back to like, why are we doing this? So I, my desk is right next to our kitchen. When our kitchen is cluttered, it kind of bugs me. It does bug me. Um, or if I can't come into the kitchen and make breakfast in the morning, I have to clean it first. That is also not okay. So we have guidelines in our house on how my husband and I and kids share who's emptying and loading the dishwasher and keeping the kitchen functioning. Um, same for clean bathrooms, right? Like, I want my bathroom to be clean when I'm washing my face at night or brushing my teeth. And, um, and so there's this conversation with all of that on top, coupled with What are our activities? So what are we saying yes to or no to? Am I volunteering with the PTA because I feel strongly that this is how I want to spend my time, or because I feel obligated to do it? Because I'm going to come with a very different energy depending on the answer to that question. Um, I do not volunteer with our PTA. My goal is always— I support the PTA, I am a member, I will volunteer for one event each school year, and that is all they're getting from me because that is where I, how I want to spend my energy. Um, what are the activities that your kids do? Sports, piano, you know, anything that you sign your kids up for. Do you love being really busy and having lots of stuff, or does everybody get one activity and that's it per semester? Because that can still be a lot. Um, what kind of birthday parties are you throwing? This is always one of my favorite examples is just, are you going overboard? You know, bouncy castle, petting zoo, lots of decorations and gifts, renting out a space because you love throwing birthday parties and like this is your thing, or because everybody else is doing it and you feel like you also need to do it. And what happens if one year you just have a small gathering and like a movie night with pizza for a few friends? And so really, it's that— what I— channeling your inner toddler and asking why. Why are we doing this? And why are we doing it this way? Because you may find that you can cut back on a lot of activities or shift something. So maybe it's not the PTA you want to volunteer for. It's some other program that you feel strongly about because it fits in more with your values and your beliefs and where you want to be modeling for your kids or just doing with your own time. Um, and I know that all of that probably sounds like work and maybe your listeners are rolling your eyes and are just like, I can't be bothered. It doesn't have to be a huge, big undertaking and it doesn't have to happen all at once. It can be over 3 months that you are evaluating all of this stuff, or you take the summer to just really think about what it is you want the school year to look like, and what are you gonna say yes to and, and/or no to, and that it's okay to say no to things. You can say no to attending a birthday party, even if you don't have a good reason, you just don't wanna go. That is totally okay. And nobody needs to know the reason behind it. But we get so caught up in feeling like we need to do all of this stuff that we don't feel like we have the ability to step back and take a break. I'll take a breath there.

Oh my gosh. I'm like blown away. Okay. So what is really interesting about what you said, I didn't expect this, is that if we look at our days and analyze our days, we're seeing how we're spending our time and we're seeing what we wanna continue and what we wanna change. And that's one of the ways we can feel less crazed in our days.

Yes.

And then the other thing that you said, which I think everybody— I mean, you said so many things, but I think we want to say yes. Okay. So I think that when I hear you say the word no, like, I can feel myself react to that word. And I'm not— I mean, I know all the— there's a ton of moms listening who relate to me. I just love the word yes. So we're saying yes too much and not thinking through what we're saying yes to is what you're— is one of the things you're saying.

So if the word no feels hard, think about when you are saying yes to something, you are saying no to something else.

Yes.

So if you say yes, we're going to attend these 3 birthday parties this weekend, you are saying no to a family hike or a family movie or just some downtime or something different. And that's okay. If you want to attend all those birthday parties, please go for it. Don't, you know, hear this and be like, well, she said I can't ever go to another birthday party again. I just want us to be more mindful about what we are saying yes to.

Yes, I agree. I agree. This is so helpful. And, you know, the other thing that is interesting is that I— an example for me is I will react to a huge pile of dishes in the sink. I will be like, oh my gosh, how am I gonna get this done? But if we actually time things and pay attention, it literally took me 10 minutes. So I think sometimes we are overexaggerating and making ourselves crazy in our head when it's really just a 10-minute activity. Right?

Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Or, and we also feel obligated to like with laundry. So my kids, one of my kids never puts her clothes away. They just live in her laundry basket. And we daily have the battle of she cannot find the shirt she wants or the pants she wants, or she's missing this or that. And I'm like, honey, and this is why regularly I'm telling you to put your laundry away. And she doesn't want to do it. And we will help her. But like, I'm not doing it without her. And my goal in my kids' lives is not for them to clean their rooms every day or once a week or always have their laundry put away. It's to know how to put their laundry away when they need to or want to, which is a different mindset, right? So I am not gonna stress over my kids not putting their laundry away because it doesn't— it's not that big of a deal. I know they know how to fold their laundry. They know how to sort it if they need to. My 9-year-old wants help sometimes, and I'm happy to help her. My older daughter can figure it out and she can make it happen or not. Um, they sort their own laundry and I think we get so caught up in, well, my folded sheets need to be perfectly folded. And to be honest, mine are kind of like rolled up and shoved in the back of my closet. And it's sort of figuring out like what really is important to us. Like I want clean kitchen counters, but I don't need my kids' closets to be perfectly organized.

Yeah.

I don't need, it's kind of taking a look at that. Like, how do we want to spend our energy? And so when it comes to, as your original question was, how do we focus on a daily basis? We're not trying to overdo it. When we've done the work of our values and we've tracked our time, we know the important, what's important to us. We can look at our to-do list for the day or the week, and then we can get into the nitty-gritty of all of this. Okay, what's on your task list or your to-do list for this week? What is important for you today? And it's not gonna be like 15 things. It's gonna be 3 or 5 things, and you're gonna maybe do 15 things, but what are the 3 to 5 things that are like, this needs to happen today? I need to get this podcast recorded. I need to get this email out. I need to get this report done for work, and I really need to do a load of laundry because Sam has a soccer game tomorrow and she needs her jersey clean. So that's what you're gonna focus on. Everything else that gets done is just a bonus. If you get your dishes done, great. If you, whatever that might look like. And when you implement, when you get your family involved and you're having regular family meetings and you're doing all of these tools that Fair Play and like all of these different tools we can implement, you can sit down at the beginning of the week with your family and be like, all right, here's what we have going on this week. Here is who is in charge of what. My husband and I share the dishes in a way that Sunday through Saturday, one of us is in charge of loading and unloading the dishwasher. So when it's my week, I work that into my days, and when it's his week, I don't have to think about it. And our 9-year-old helps, which sort of adds a level of complexity to make— to it. But we want her involved. This is what she's— what she does. And so it's It's understanding what needs to happen daily and that you're not going to get all the things done, but what really is important and what is moving you forward and focus on those tasks today. And over time, all of this starts to just feel a little easier and a little better.

I mean, even the way you're talking is a totally different mindset that puts me at ease. So I think we're talking, we're talking ourselves up. Into a frenzy as part of it.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. Because we're, and we're surrounded by all of this. And as women, that conditioning to have the clean kitchen and the home-cooked meals and the organized house, that conditioning starts when we are little and it runs deep. And we get a lot of grief from outside people who like feed this on us. And one of the things I want for women and my clients is to fight back against that, right? If you're gonna come over and judge me for the piles of stuff in my house or the fact that my kids don't put away their laundry, you don't need to come over. Like, we're just— right? Like, we'll hang around in my front yard. Like, I'm not— the— it's— there are more important things to me than having my kids have perfectly organized closets. Yes, I want them to be able to find their stuff, but also I want them to go hang out with their friends, and I want us to be doing other things. And so we get ourselves so worked up and hear me, I still fall into this trap on occasion, right? I love my clean floors. I am like my, we're a household that takes our shoes off at the front door and my kids and their friends are, I think they think I'm a little obsessive about it. I'm okay with that. I'm just like, when you're older, you will appreciate that I like meet you at the door and like, do not let you come in until you've taken off your, your shoes. Um, so I too probably have where, you know, things to work on here, but I, it's being aware of it and really being able to focus on what is important to us today and trying to just ignore all of the outside baloney that is trying to tell us to do it differently or live up to these standards that are just impossible.

Impossible. I mean, I used to go into houses and be like, oh my gosh, I feel so bad about myself. Her house is perfect. And now I feel like I walk into someone's house who's perfect and I'm like, oh my God, this poor family. What have they done to be able to achieve this? I totally shifted how I look at a perfect house. For my family, it's not achievable. Do I want a clean house? Yes. But we do our best.

Exactly. My house isn't growing mold, right? There are 4 people and 2 cats that live here. Like, there's going to be cat hair on the floor, and it's—

yeah.

And I make it very clear with my friends of like, I want to spend time with you. I want to get together with you. I do not care if your house is a mess because the point is I want to see you. I don't need the presentation of a perfect house. It is too much stress and work on all of us because people live here. Right? Like, you walk into a house that's perfect and you were, like, scared to sit down on the couch with a glass of wine or a cup of coffee because what if you spill?

Yes.

And I want people to feel comfortable in my house.

Such a good point. Well, and I'm listening to you talk about priorities and values, and I'm evaluating my days as you're talking, and I'm thinking about my friend who I see all the time who has 4 children. In hockey and baseball. So they're all in hockey, they're all in baseball. And I mean, I just want to help her. Like, I really am struggling to keep up with my own life, if I'm honest with you. So I don't extend a hand and say, can I drive him for you? But I mean, how, as a crazy mother driving around to like 8 different things, I mean, any advice for people like her?

Yeah. Um, I feel we could have a whole— I have so many opinions on sports, um, and our, our commitment to them. That could be a whole separate, um, conversation. Uh, one, just making sure that everybody— that your kids really want to be doing this and that you are willing to do it.

Yes.

Um, do you, you know, can— I'm sure these are things that come up all the time, like carpooling. You know, can your partner help? Like, are there things or are there just things, you know, can you drop them off and run it? Like, how can we— I mean, I would have to kind of see how this person is really spending their time. But I think really having those conversations of why, what is the end goal of all of this? And do they want to continue down this path of this? And if the answer is yes, we love all doing all of this, then there are just going to be some sacrifices for the rest of their time, and that's okay.

Yeah.

Um, just go into it knowing why you're doing it and understanding to some degree that it's probably okay if you miss a game or they miss a game, or same for practice. Like, I know that's not the message anybody is getting, right? It's like, you must be at everything, but it's probably okay on occasion if you are not there, if your husband goes instead, or your partner. Um, So really just wanting— just looking at the why behind all of that commitment, um, and then going from there.

Really good advice. So for the mom listening who is feeling super overwhelmed and doesn't know where to begin, can we leave her with a couple of your favorite tips?

Yeah, so I know that what we've talked about today probably feels very overwhelming and like a lot of work, and I want you to know one that it's worth it, that putting in this work leads to you having more time down the road and having your days that feel better and feel more at peace and less chaotic because you know that what you were doing every day, um, ma— not matter, it matters, but it's moving you forward. Yeah. And doing, helping you prioritize your time. Um, the biggest thing that I want women or your, your listeners, moms, to, to walk away with is the evaluating their time. So if that's all you can manage is the just spending time every now and then looking at your to-do list before you say yes to something or no to something, uh, channel your inner toddler and ask why. Why am I doing this? Why is this on my list? Why Does this need to happen today, or can I do this a couple days from now? Um, or not at all. I've certainly had things where they're on my monthly to-do list and they just keep rolling over to the next month and I'm looking at it going, clearly I do not wanna do this. Do I need to? And if the answer is yes, then I'm gonna do whatever I can to just be done with it, or I'm just gonna cross it off altogether and like not bother. So it's really the asking why and just being, just evaluating what it is that you're doing and is it worth your time.

Thank you so much. I mean, I learned a lot and I knew I would, and I knew I would feel better after talking to you. So hopefully everybody listening is feeling the same way. So to the mom listening who is like, I need Valerie to help me, how do I find her? Where do we find you?

Yeah, so you can head to strideproductivity.com, um, or you can find me on Instagram @strideproductivity. Um, I have a private podcast that is just for those signed up on my newsletter, newsletter, and I talk about all of this stuff in more detail. And then there's some information on my website about, um, my membership program, which is how I work with my clients, which is all self-paced. Classes, which are like 5 minutes of audio and then some homework and lots of support. And you can find more information about that on my website as well.

Well, thank you so very much for your time and your expertise. We all so appreciate it.

Yeah, thank you for having me.

This is Rebecca Green, and I want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com. Www.podcastoffer.com.

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