Episode 361: Be a Good Friend

Hello everyone, sign is different. Happy Winey Pools of Wednesday!

Happy Winey Pools of Wednesday! And you can read the sign.

Look what Seth did, he made it so that you can read my beautiful sign behind us. Thank you, honey.

You're welcome. I learned how to adjust the camera settings for Facebook.

I appreciate it, you remembered.

I remembered.

My technical support behind me. Yes, Seth just got home from a very long day, so thank you for coming home to us and to do this. You're probably exhausted.

It's all good.

So I'm gonna jump in because we have a child to pick up. So yes, our children are moving and grooving. Max is doing football and an internship. Ella's doing an internship. Lily's doing cheerleading. I'm in my car a lot.

Yep.

And it's okay. It's all good stuff. And happy summer. I hope everybody's enjoying summer. I'm seeing everywhere that you're traveling. I am super impressed. And I mean, people are going to Paris and London and going to Alaska and cruises, and I'm just like, oh my gosh, I have so much to show Seth after this.

I—

your mother texted me and she was like, do you guys have any more trips planned? And what I said to his mother is, I'm not quite sure how to plan trips when our children have so much stuff going on, it's gonna be a challenge.

[Speaker:RICK] Yeah.

[Speaker:REBECCA GREENE] So, we'll see if we get anywhere this summer. But my topic this week is being a good friend. And this is something that I think is so important for everyone to be a good friend, to have good friends, to teach this to our kids. I talk to my daughters all the time about what a good friend looks like, how to be a good friend, what I want their friends to act like. This is a topic that we talk about, it's a real topic in my house, and I figure that I should give you the real topics. All right, so what is being a good friend? And I want to preface this with, if you're in my group, you already know this because I posted it, uh, the Whiny Pooza Mom group on Facebook, and come join us. So what I posted was, not only do I want us to be good friends to others and have good friends and friend, for us to know what a good friend is and to not feel like we have to, uh, be friends with people that we don't want to be friends with. But what, what?

Nothing, nothing. We'll see if it comes up later.

But the— what I want to add to this is that I want us to also be a good friend to ourselves. And as— and totally forgot to write about it. If you go to wineandcloset.com, the whole blog is there. You can read all about this topic. But I did forget when you listen to it, I tend to add more stuff for sure. And what I forgot was how to be a good friend to yourself. And I actually think that's a whole nother topic that we can do another time. But we don't want to tell ourselves negative comments. We don't want to tell our friends negative comments. As I'm going through what it takes to be a good friend, I just want you to remember this is what we want from others, and this is what we want to give to others, and this is what we want to give to ourselves. Does that make sense?

Yes, I'm on the same page.

Okay, so every relationship takes work. You can't have friends or a husband if you're not putting in the work. Like, I, I need to put effort into my marriage, and I need to put effort into my friendships, and I need to put effort into my relationships with my kids. If, if you have a relationship that you value in your life, you got to put in the work. You got to prioritize time together. You have to stay connected. So That can even look like I have daily texts with my friends. My phone goes off. My family makes fun of me.

They do.

Part of my coping skill as a woman, wife, mother person is to—

say it in your title— woman, wife, mother person—

is to text people, is to reach out to people, send it out into the universe. Just reach out, let someone know you're thinking of them, let someone know that you're struggling with something. Let someone know something positive that happened, make plans with people. Like, I was just thinking, I need to— I'm really good at having the kids— like, I'm like, invite your friends over to swim, invite your friends over to swim. I'm really good at that. What I am not so good at is I need to invite my friends over to swim, right?

You definitely do.

So I think that that's something that I want to accomplish this summer is to have some friends swimming.

Can I ask a friend a question?

Yeah.

What if your original friendship was based on something in common and then the something in common changes and you no longer have that in common?

I don't think that you need to have something in common to be friends.

Okay.

I think that that is one facet of a relationship.

Okay. Uh, I will look forward to hearing more. Because I asked myself a question of you in my head and then I answered it as you and I figured that out.

Do you have an example that you feel comfortable sharing?

Oh no, the question I was going to ask— I asked you in my head— was, are you friends with anyone that is not a mother, is not married, is not—

yes.

And I realized the answer to that question is yes, because I knew the answer, and I was like, oh, she is friends with people that the thing that you would have had in common has changed, or some of the things were never had in common. So I figured myself— I figured out the answer to my question.

Yeah, friendship.

No, I do not have an example I feel comfortable sharing.

Okay, so I mean, I have friends who are not married. Yes, I have friends who don't have kids.

Yes, you do.

Um, I have divorced friends. I—

yeah, but they were married at one point. You have— you also have friends who have never been married and never been parents, right? Which is the answer to the question I got.

I understand. Yeah, I think that you— um, I mean, my friend— yeah, my friend who is not married and doesn't have kids who I just saw. We, we both love to read. We both love dogs.

A couple things.

Yeah, we love dogs. We love, um, books. We talk about life. Like, I don't know. So anyway, so we prioritize time together and we stay connected and we stay connected through. And the thing that I want to emphasize to mothers who will listen to this is that When you have coffee with somebody— don't laugh at me, Seth— it can— and I have accomplished this, Seth, before you—

I'm ready—

before you tease me— it could be for an hour. You could have a 1-hour coffee date, which I have accomplished, and say, okay, I gotta go. And we're gonna talk about boundaries and limits, so I'm gonna get back to that, but it doesn't have to be a 3-hour date, so don't feel overwhelmed by that. So be honest and open. And what I mean by that is obviously I want us to be authentic in our relationships. I, I don't expect my friends to feel like they have to tell me everything, but I, I don't like liars. And Seth knows that that's a button.

Yeah, honesty is big with you.

Honesty is big. I don't feel like I have to be open and honest about everything. Seth and I have talked about that. I have some things that I mean, I don't have to talk to everybody about everything.

Very true.

You can compartmentalize.

I have maybe different friends that I talk to about different things, and what am I comfortable sharing? And there's lots of guidelines around that for me. I don't think that what I mean by being open and honest means you have to tell everyone everything, but I will say I really appreciate the friends who are open and honest with me, and I appreciate the friends who give me constructive feedback. Seth has said to me before, you want me to be a yes man, and that is like exactly what I don't want. I don't want my friends to be like, Rebecca, you're so wonderful, everything you do is so perfect. I mean, I have friends who are like, are you freaking kidding me? Did you really say that? Or did you really do that? Like, I want real true friends who are gonna call me on my crap. Like, You are, are you freaking kidding me? You bought your 11-year-old Lululemon? Are you crazy?

I might have said the same thing.

Like, I have friends who are really honest with me and I, I'm trying to think of other examples, but I appreciate you honest friends. Offer and accept help. I think that a lot of us are really good at giving help and maybe are not as good at taking it. And I think what I have learned over the years is that that, that is really— that doesn't work for people, it makes people uncomfortable. So what I want to share with you is that people love when you accept help from them. So, so they want to feel like they reciprocate, like they're enough, like they're not just taking from you. I know that a lot of you love to give. I'm much more comfortable giving, but you know what, sometimes we need to take. I just said to Lily's friend's parents there are going to be times when Max has a football game and Tanner, stop, and I'm gonna want and I'm gonna ask you to drive Lily to cheerleading. That, you know, they asked me to drive Lily to cheer when their daughter has stuff and I ask them to drive Lily when I can't. Like, we got a give and take and I think if you're always giving, not only are you going to make people feel uncomfortable, but but you may feel resentful and you may say, I don't, I really don't, I just like to give. But let people, let people give to you. That is just what I want to say to you. You look like you have something you want to say.

I, I agree, it needs to be a give and take, a give and receive. You have to be willing to accept as well. I agree 100%.

Well, and, and I think there's no keeping score.

There's no, I gave 80%, they only gave 20%, because then you have a transaction, not a relationship.

And that goes for our marriage too. Like, you don't go to a relationship to take. I think that we should not be going into any relationship to take. I think we should be going to give of ourselves. But I think that it can't be a one-way street. We have to get something from the relationship too.

Absolutely. Gotta be a balance.

Yes. And we need to celebrate each other. I want friends who are happy for me. I publish a book and they're cheering for me. I do my 300th episode of my podcast and they're so excited for me. My kid gets 5s on all his AP score and they're as happy as I am. Like, I want people who love my kids, love my family, love me, and cheer us all on. And I, I want that for them. We want each other to be successful. Yes, a good friend wants your success and wants your happiness and isn't trying to be better than you, isn't trying to compete eat with you, isn't trying to pull you down to make themselves feel better. That's— yeah, that's true. That is true.

They're out there.

We don't want critical friends. I mean, I want constructive feedback, but there's a difference between constructive feedback and critical feedback. Yes, right. Um, be present in all of your relationships. Seth and I get so aggravated with each other when we're on our phones and we're trying to talk to one another. I mean, I'm guilty. If I'm at the table with my friends at a dinner and Seth or the kids are texting me, I'm honestly looking at my phone and my phone is up. Your phone is supposed to be down or not on the table. Do you know that? That's like etiquette in quotes.

Mm-hmm.

But I don't do that when I'm at dinner with my friends. My phone is up, face up, because inevitably the kids or Seth is gonna text me. And I know that some of you may think that I should just give my time to my friends and my family can deal, but that's what makes me comfortable. I have my own life.

Try not to bother you too much.

Well, and that's okay, that's okay. Like, I'll get a, where is her cheerleading uniform?

I'm sorry.

Or I don't know where I'm going for cheerleading, you didn't tell me. Or I'm trying to think of something else, like Ella can't find her sweater, or Yeah, I mean, good examples. Nothing that is a big deal, earth-shattering, right? But I do feel comfortable with my phone on the table. But I do my best to give my friends eye contact, to listen, to be understanding, and to prioritize time with them.

Yeah, you do.

I do my best. I do my best. I'm not perfect. None of us are perfect. And in every relationship, we need to show empathy and understanding. I mean, When my friends are talking to me, you know, I care so much about what they're telling me. Like, I feel for them, I'm there for them, I put myself in their shoes. Like, we want to show empathy.

Amen.

You agree?

I do.

Okay, being reliable and trustworthy. And I want to tell you what that looks like for me. I get really frustrated. I want people to value my time. And what that looks like is Stuff comes up, I understand that. You're going to need to reschedule sometimes. A kid— I have had kids get sick and friends having to cancel.

Yeah.

Or I'm trying to think of another example. Or I'm so sorry I'm late, you know, I had to take so-and-so to the doctor. I didn't expect that to happen. Whatever. I'm a flexible person, but as a pattern, as a trend, as part of our relationship, I want you to value my time and I want you to be on time and I want you to be reliable and I want you to show up. Up, and that means a lot to me. So some people don't care if you're late. I care. I'm not talking like you need to be on time or 5 minutes late. I mean, I'm flexible, but like, don't be 30 minutes late. Like, that's not going to work for me. I, I have the capabilities of doing work anywhere, so I, I can do work and keep myself busy. But why are you 30 minutes late?

For me, it doesn't show respect for your time.

Yeah, like, I want you to be reliable. If you say you're gonna drive my kids somewhere, thank you for driving my kids somewhere.

Be on time to pick them up, get them there on time. Yeah, get them there safely.

Yeah, like, I will, I will tell you, Lily, Lily had a rough night the other night and told me she wasn't going to go to cheerleading. Cheerleading was at 10, she wasn't gonna go, or I was gonna bring her late. I didn't really care. And like, it wasn't mandatory to go, and I had offered to drive two of her friends. I wasn't gonna cancel on last minute, right? I wasn't gonna cancel on the parents who are working. I was still gonna drive her friends regardless of if she went or not.

That's very reliable.

I mean, I'm, I'm rely— I want to be reliable.

So I know people who would have just said, sorry, you're out of luck, we're not going.

Well, no, I mean, I, I commit to driving other kids a lot, and like Lily has people drive her, I, I drive people, and I feel like when I commit to it, I'm going to do my best to follow through.

It's awesome.

So respecting boundaries. So I would love for you to come up with other examples. I will think about other examples, but Everyone has their own unique limits and boundaries, and maybe it's about time, maybe it's about space, whatever it is. I think my boundaries are around time. So at this point in my life, I have 3 children who are busy, who I parent all day. I have a husband, I have pets, like I have a full busy house.

Yes, you do.

So I may say like, I can go out for a couple hours, but then I probably have commitments that I need to get to. So what are your— know your limits and know your boundaries because we all have different ones. I'm trying to think of another healthy boundary, like what people say to me, like I have boundaries around what I'll accept, how I'll accept people to treat me or what I'll accept people to say to me. We gotta set limits and boundaries.

I agree 100%.

I was just seeing if you had any examples of boundaries. I should have thought of more.

What you will, you get. Tony Robbins says you get what you tolerate.

Yeah. Oh my God, I say that all the time. I didn't know that was from him, but I do say that all the time because people will tell me things and I'm like, well, you allow it. You allow them to treat you like that.

Very true. You— we were talking about this today at the event I was at. You can only control your actions and your reactions to other people's actions. Yeah, the rest isn't up to you.

Yeah, I can't control what people do, but I can control myself, and I can control who I want to be friends with, what I want to tolerate from people, amen, etc., etc. So I'm gonna tell the next one with a, with a caveat— is that the word I'm looking for?

Probably.

So I, I want us to be positive and fun to be with, and I want to explain that more. I think that we all go through hard things, we all go through hardships, and I want us to be able to talk to our friends about our hardships. I'm not always going to be roses and sunshine, but I think I'm roses and sunshine a lot of the time.

It is your majority state of mind.

So I want to bring roses and sunshine. I want to have the pink-colored glasses. I want to be happy. I want to be fun to be around. I want to lift people up. It's all very important to me, but sometimes things are going to be bothering me, and I'm going to want to share that with a friend. So I don't expect my friends to be positive all the time, but I would like you to uplift me. I would like you to bring sunshine to my life. I would like to leave you feeling positive and uplifted. It.

Awesome.

And I want to have fun with my friends. That—

yeah, that is part of the point.

And that might not be important to you. You might not think that makes you a good friend, but to me, I want to be surrounded by positive people who have goals, who have dreams, who— their kids are important to them, their husband's important to them, volunteering might be important to them. So Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, now listen and understand without judgment. So I want to say a couple of things about this. I understand that my friends have a lot they want to share with me, and I think there's a sign on my forehead that says, tell me, tell me your problems, tell me all of it. And I want you to— I want to hear you. I want to listen. I want to be a good friend, but I want to talk too. Like, I feel like I'm listening so much to my friends, and I'm happy to listen. I think I'm a good listener, but a friendship is a conversation. Like, it needs to go back and forth. There needs to be a conversation. We both need to be talking. So if I feel like you just want to talk to me for 2 hours and don't—

at you—

yeah, and don't want me to say anything, I'm not going to want to spend time with you.

I got a wall for you to talk to.

Yeah, like, you don't need me. I have podcast guests and the conversation is on fire. We're shooting things back and forth. They're saying things that bring up really good questions from me, and I'm like, wow, that was an amazing conversation and everybody's gonna love it. And I have had a couple guests who talked for 40 minutes and I have to say, okay, I have to go. Like, it's been fun. Thanks. Thanks for talking for 40 minutes straight and not letting me get a word in. So those are not the type of friends that I want. I want to have a conversation. I want you to listen to me. I want us to go back and forth, and I don't want to feel— I want you to be honest, and I want you to be constructive, but I don't want you to be judgy. We've talked about that. Yes, Seth wants me to remove that word from my vocabulary.

It can't exist if you don't have a word for it.

He wants me to get rid of judgmental. I think that people can be too judgmental. It's just my two cents. So try— try to listen without judgment and try to have a conversation going back and forth. Ask about your friend. Ask how she's doing. Ask how her husband is. Ask how her kids are. Ask what she's got going on in her life. What is she excited about, ask questions.

Amen.

So it just had me thinking about what it is to be a good friend, and I wanted to write about it. I wanted to talk about it. I think it's an important topic, and I think we need to be really good role models for our kids. Our kids are going to look at us and model us, and we want to show them that we prioritize friend time. That we are a good friend, what we expect from our friends. Our kids are watching, and we want our kids' friends to treat them well, so we have to show them what that looks like. And they are also watching how you are friends with yourself, so be kind to yourself. I tell my friends constantly, please be kind and compassionate to yourself. So, um, I'm gonna wrap up so that we can go pick up our daughter. So I hope that this topic was helpful, and I hope that you come find me in all the places. winypooza.com has my Linktree with all of my links to find all of my stuff, and my Winypooza Mom group is on Facebook and it's free. I'm on Instagram, I'm on Facebook, I'm on TikTok, and I want to tell you who's on the podcast on Friday. We have Jillian Gabricz on, and I actually remembered how to say her last name, and we talked about the 5 pillars to children's health. So I think you're gonna love her, and I think you're gonna learn a lot from her. And Seth, what is your thing that you do that I always forget to do?

Please remember to like, rate, review, subscribe, and share all of Rebecca's stuff so she can help other awesome parents.

Yes, thank you so much for joining us. And, um, we'll see you next week with a new topic.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

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