Episode 379: Learning from our Life Themes

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday. Stop messing with the camera.

I knew you were gonna yell at me.

I wasn't yelling at you.

I heard it.

My voice was not raised.

I heard it in my head. I'm like, Seth is gonna tell you to stop moving the camera.

Tell you and yell are two very different volume distinctions. Okay, okay.

It was the wrong word. I'm very tired. I'm gonna perk up for you. It's been a very long day. It's a very, very busy week. It is homecoming week.

Yep, I'm saying make sure we're live.

The kids have stuff like every night. I just picked up Ella from movie night at school and we have lots of stuff going on. We're gonna crash on Sunday. Yes, after a very, very long Saturday. Let's talk about our topic.

Yes.

Okay, so the topic this week is learning from our life themes, and the reason that I called it that is because we're going to talk about one of my life themes that I don't want to say that I've been working on it. I feel like that's the wrong way to go about this, but it is a way to describe it.

You have been working on it, whether that is good or bad or indifferent. We'll talk about it.

Well, I don't know that working on it is the right wording, so maybe, okay, maybe you and I can come up with better wording than that. Okay.

So what is your life theme of the week?

Life— well, life theme of my life, but one of them, there's— there are a couple themes that come up in, in my life that I work on. And it was interesting to me because Seth told me, I don't know, like 2 or 3 times this week that I was too nice.

You were being too nice. Yes.

And then my friend was aggravated with me for the same reason. I don't know that you— were you aggravated with me or were you just pointing it out?

I was pointing it out because you were frustrated about some situations and I was pointing out that, well, if you weren't too nice about it and hadn't said what— yes, or whatever it was, you wouldn't be— have the thing to be annoyed about.

Okay, so you were just making me aware of it. You were trying to help.

It gets me into trouble.

So it just seemed to be the theme of the week for me.

Yes, and it got additional feedback that was not for me.

So you can read the whole blog at winyplousa.com. I did write about this and we published it today, but we're gonna process it, we're gonna talk about it, and I want to tell you my responses to this. Okay, so Rebecca, you're too nice. What are my responses to this? I'm going to tell you my first automatic response. My automatic response to Seth and my friend was, "You're right. You're absolutely right. I've heard this my whole life and I'm working on it." We're gonna talk about how I'm working on it. I don't think being nice is a bad thing. Okay? So then my second response to them as I thought about it was defensive. Like, "Hey!" 'Just accept me for who I am. Like, why are you pointing out something as a flaw? Like, why isn't this a superpower? Why isn't this a great thing?

Why isn't this something that you're pointing out to me as a good thing?' Well, the other situation you can discuss or not discuss, whatever it is that you're going to do. I can only speak to mine, and that, like, you were complaining about having to do something that that you volunteered for, and I pointed out that you said yes and were too nice and could have just said no.

And then it wasn't about volunteering. That's not what you pointed out.

Okay, what did I point out then?

I think the first— okay, so I might be forgetting something that you're talking about. I'm talking about when you said I was being too nice to Lily.

Oh, okay. And there's, there's also another one about people coming to things that we're probably not going to discuss. Okay, yes, you are too nice to Lily, in my opinion.

So I put myself in situations that aggravate me because of— because I'm trying to be kind and helpful to other people, and you're putting them first.

Yes, that might be a different way of putting it.

I think that my responses are both correct. So response number 1 is, okay, so tell me I'm too nice, and I say, you're right. Sometimes I can be too nice and I'm working on this. And then the second response is also right of, hey, this is like my superpower, like let me be nice, let me be me. So I did talk to a group of friends about this because we can't say no, says Kelly Gangi.

Yes, you're absolutely right. I remember my mother reading a book when I was a teenager titled When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

So my mom has that book on her bookshelf which I may or may not have read I think that I've gotten better at saying no to things like I'm busy, or I have to work, or we have something, or I'm tired, I don't feel like it. Like, I think I've gotten better. I think I used to say yes. So I— so here's what I want to tell you. I love the word yes. I think the word yes is one of my favorite words. I love to say yes to people. I love when people say yes to me. I love when when Seth says yes to me. When Seth—

usually involves spending money.

Um, I love when Seth says yes to me. I'm tired, I want to order dinner, and Seth says, "Go ahead, honey," and I'm like so happy.

Don't make me cook.

Listen, I cook as often as I can, not even because of money, but because I want us to eat healthy, and I eat healthier when I cook.

And sometimes there's time windows of kids having 4 different activities in one night and trying to— hey, dinner's got to be ready by 3 o'clock or something.

I mean, I do my best. We all do our best. So I think that Kelly— oh shoot, Kelly says I'm glitching.

Okay, I think it's her connection. I don't see any glitch.

If you are watching this, please tell me if you can hear us okay or if we're glitching.

Yeah, I can hear us.

Okay, keep me posted, everybody.

I'll look down every once in a while, but I do not see a glitch.

Okay. So Kelly says that we are too nice because we say yes to everything, and I do think that that's right. Okay, Jeff says it's good. I do think that that is an excellent point that we will talk about, but thank you, Corey. But I do think that I've gotten much better. Like, I think we need to ask ourselves, do we want to do this? That is the question. Like, do you want And I'll tell you something about volunteering—volunteering is super fun when I do it with my friends! So will I go volunteer? Yes! Who's gonna do it with me so that it's more fun?

Oh my God, you sound like Lilly—it all gotta be who's going to be there—who's going to be there—I'm like no just go do your thing if you want to do the thing.

No, no, no, no—that's got to be socialization. Okay, so that's Ella—and you—that is not me. Right. Okay. So how am I working on my niceness? Which I don't dislike. I don't dislike that I'm nice, but we don't want to be too nice where we're like letting people walk all over us. Right, no doormat. So I think that when Seth met me, I would get frustrated and tell him that I don't want to be a schmuck. Is that Yiddish?

It is, and you also said you were a recovering people pleaser.

Oh my gosh, that's a blog. I have that blog somewhere. Yes, I remember it. I still think that I want to please people. People, but I'm learning that I want to please myself. And it's an important distinction, and that is huge. Like, what is going to please me? And pay attention to that maybe before I'm thinking about everybody else.

Yes, put your needs first.

So put my knee— put my needs too. I think I was putting my needs—

you were last.

I was last, and now I'm like, me too, me too.

Should be me first, me first. But you're making— it's not just like, sure, you're making amazing progress.

Okay, so I think you've lost— I think that the biggest difference is the assertiveness. And I actually looked up the definition. I want to tell you the definition because assertiveness is like one of the best, biggest skills that we can learn. And okay, so Google says the definition of assertive is being assertive means communicating with others in a direct and honest manner without intentionally hurting anyone's feelings. Feelings. So I think that the problem that I have with that is that I think we want direct, honest communication, but we want to do it nicely. And sometimes when I get direct, I'm heated because I have so many feelings, and we don't want it to get aggressive. We don't want to dominate, and we don't want to come across as harsh. We want to just be calm, clear, and direct.

I, I have the opposite suggestions from other people, and then you and some other people in my life might have said I am too direct, or other versions of that word, like prickly.

I think that I'm not prickly, I'm just literally just telling it how it is. It's all tone. It's all tone. So like, I'm assertive when I control my tone. I don't want to be aggressive. I want to be assertive, not aggressive. And the other end of this, what doing way too much back in the day, not in my 40s, more in my 20s, was being passive and not speaking up for myself, not saying anything, just kind of letting things happen. And we don't want to do that, right? Right. We want to aim for assertiveness, and that helps us. We can still be nice, but I feel like I'm being nice but I'm protecting myself.

Awesome.

That's a good way to put it, right? And we're going to talk about boundaries too. I wrote down that knowing when to discipline is like a huge piece of this because I think if it was up to me, there would be very little— there's definitely rules and expectations in this house, so you are wrong.

No, you said if it was all up to you.

No, no, no, if it was up to me, I have extremely high expectations for our kids and they know that. I'm very clear about my expectations.

Expectations about what they need to do, like school and stuff. Yes, I agree with that. Would not go away if it was all up to you.

Or like, I expect you— like, we had a conversation at dinner tonight and I said I expect you to only be talking when you're participating and not talking to your friends, which I struggled with, so I can't say much. But I did. So I just don't want her to get in trouble talking because she's a yapper like her mother. And that's—

yapper is a Lily term. Yapper is not mine. You did not make that.

That's a Lily term. Lily says yappin' all day long and she is the pro yapper. But we did get a report from the teacher to Max who said that she is behaving and she is not the issue in the class.

So that is— always happy to hear.

We, I love that he talked to one of her teachers and I love that that was the response. So knowing when to discipline means that I can be a softie and I can be way too nice with my children and I want them to have everything they want, which is not parenting. You know, I thought about this one a lot when I was writing and I want to teach them things. So, we have to always remember that we're disciplining our kids to teach them. I'm teaching them that they have to be respectful. Like, you have to go out in this world and be respectful to your boss. Be respectful to your parents. That's where you learn it. You have to be successful at your job. Where do you learn that? By being successful and hardworking in school. So, I need to discipline my kids to teach them the skills that they need for life. So, that helps me. Knowing the reason behind it helps me discipline because I— my default is to be like a softie. Yes. And you default the other way. Are amazing in that, man, do we balance each other out. Like, Seth is like at one end of the coin and I'm at the other end, and we bring each other to the middle. Like, you would be like Yes, I would discipline first. You would discipline first as opposed to what?

Your warmth all the time, pretty much, most of the time.

Okay, so is me being warm all the time a problem? Because I think that that is one of someone's complaint, is that I'm warm all the time.

I, I think you could be less warm with your youngest child. She's the only— in this discussion, I think she's the only hypothetical issue. Okay, right. You're not too nice to— you're not too nice where it bites you in the butt with the other two.

Can't I be warm and discipline her? Do I have to be harsh while I discipline her? I don't know, has it worked?

I think you said I do it with love and that it's because of my relationship and bond with her that she should want to behave and want to—

yeah, blah blah blah. Absolutely, yes. Okay, there's that. So I think we're doing pretty good.

She's a fantastic child, but we're talking about a specific issue.

Okay, we're talking about my niceness. So let's move to not getting stuck in the middle. It's a pattern that I noticed in high school, and my friends would be fighting and I would interject myself right into the middle of the conflict, and I would want them to resolve it, and I would talk to both parties and try to work out the problem and try to bring them together to get them to discuss it. What I don't like is when I go back and forth talking to people.

Right, you're the go-between.

So I don't— mediator is a better position. I don't want to be the go-between. I don't mind being the social worker or the mediator in a conflict if they're talking to each other. I just don't want to be going back and forth.

You should not be the messenger.

Yes, and I still get stuck in that role sometimes, and that is the way too nice. I want everybody to get along, so I'm learning to get out of it and encourage them to talk to each other. You want people to talk to each other and you don't want to be the go-between, which has been a helpful skill I have learned from watching you to execute at work.

When someone comes in with a problem about another person, like, well, how do you think you should talk to that person about it as opposed to putting me in the middle and asking me to talk?

I didn't know that I taught you that.

We did. We had this conversation when I had this happen, and okay, I was so proud that I did it, and I was like, honey, look what I did, and you showed me this.

Okay, so I'm gonna tell you this, and that's okay. I'm gonna tell you this all week. I'm tired. I— not only am I tired, but my brain is spinning, and I'm not gonna remember all the things. I was like, remind me why you're traveling.

Yes, the conference I am speaking at.

Okay, so saying no when I need to, and I want your feedback on this.

I think I've gotten better. Yes, you say no more now.

I think that I think to myself, do I want to do this? And sometimes I don't. And that's okay. And guess what? You don't have to have work or plans. You can just not feel like it.

No, I don't want to.

You know, like, I— oh, my daughter teaches me. So Ella's— it's Ella's friend's birthday. And she wanted Ella to go to a horror movie today, and Ella was like, I don't do horror movies. No, no falling into the trap of being too nice, right? And you know, my mother's good at saying no, my friends are good at saying no, you're good at saying no. Yes. So I want you, if you have a problem saying no, I want you to observe the people around you who are good at it, and I want you to take notes and learn from them.

Helps to value your time more.

There are so many times that I said to Seth, my mother has no problem saying no. No, don't feel like it. No, I'm tired. No, it's gonna be too crowded.

Nope, it's gonna rain. Nope, it's gonna be sunny.

Don't be dramatic, you're taking it too— Really? None of those have ever happened. Oh my God, you're ridiculous. Okay, drawing boundaries. One of the things that I really focus on teaching people is that people only treat you how you allow them to treat you. And I realized this along the way, that I was letting people get away with things and they continued to do it. So we got to set limits with people. And like, one of the things that I thought of—

Corey says, I found it's gotten much easier with age.

Oh yes, totally agree with— oh my gosh, you know, my friend got aggravated with me for being too nice.

And to the wrong people in her opinion.

Oh my God, just stop. Okay, just stop. I can't even finish a sentence. So my friend got aggravated with me for being too nice, and I said to her, I've come a long way. And she's like, are you telling me you were nicer? Yes. Yes. Wouldn't you say yes?

You have come a long way, baby.

So I would say in my 20s I was a bit of a doormat. I would say that. And I would say having children brought out Mama Bear. Well, before Mama Bear, my job brought out my assertiveness because you have to be assertive with your clients. So I think my job and my training started it, and then having Max, like, Mama Bear was born, and different skills came with that. So I would say parenthood has changed me immensely. And like Corey said, age helps. Age and experience. Okay, so drawing boundaries, setting limits with people. And one of the examples I thought of, people who are always late. And I really show people respect by being on time. And I'm one of those people that I'm stressed out if I'm not early. Like, I feel like being on time is being a little bit early. And I think that's the sports has taught me that. Because like, the coach doesn't want you showing up at 5:30, they want you stretched and ready to go at 5:30, right? So I think that for me, like, I expect to be on time, and I'm trying hard to be on time for you, so I expect that in return. So it's like, what are your boundaries? What are your limits? And if someone is bugging you, we need to talk to them.

Yeah, Tony Robbins says you get what you tolerate. Right.

Well, did he give examples of handling that? I don't remember. Okay, well, do you have any examples of setting limits like that?

I mean, sure, that's everything from, hey, can you go— I mean, you're like, hey, can you go get the kid at this time? I'm like, no, I have a meeting, I have to work, I'm so sorry, I can't. And then there's other times I'm like, the other day— yeah, was it yesterday? I was like at the skin doctor and I was like Honey, I can go get Lily. You can stay home. You don't have to go get her. Like, I can run and go get her. I was out. I know. I tried. I appreciate that.

I appreciate that. And for the record, when I ask you to get a child, you can always say no. I am aware of—

if I'm not in a meeting, if I've got the time, I absolutely say yes. It's just a question of am I available, right? Right.

And I also do have parents who are willing to help me. Yes, and other friends, and, and friends, and Max when he's not busy all the time. So I wrote down to let go of guilt, and I've gotten so much better at this. I feel so much less guilt, and I think it's because I came to the realization that I matter. Oh my goodness, I matter the most, right? But it was a lesson for me, so You know, the whole caretaker, taking care of everybody else, making sure everybody else is happy, realizing that what do I want, what is important to me, and I matter. So that causes so much less guilt. And knowing the reasons behind things like discipline, like my kids need discipline. You're being a good mom because you discipline. Yes. Like, what is the self-talk behind it? Because the self-talk behind it gets rid of all the guilt.

That is really helpful because I think you and me and perhaps other people beat ourselves up about something that actually we're—

it's the right thing to do. Well, and knowing that I'm important. So like, you know, a perfect example is the horror movie. Like, I don't do horror movies. I'm like Ella, like, I'm not gonna go with you to a horror movie. So if my best friend is begging me to go to a horror movie, that I need to set the limit and be like, no, like, I don't do that, right?

And you've been at theme parks and the kids are like, will you go on this roller coaster with me? No, I do not want to go on that roller coaster.

I'm temp— okay, so I'm tempted. So Lily was— Lily is so fun. She brings out my inner child. I just posted this the other day. So your crazy kid who drives you nuts is your inner child. Oh my God, that's funny. And she totally brings it out in me. And we're at the theme park and she's like, come on, Mom, come on a roller coaster with me! And her enthusiasm and how fun she is makes me want to try it. Because that's dangerous. Because before children, I had no problem I can't go on roller coasters anymore. Sean, I feel the same way, and I have said that to my kids.

Also comes with age.

So the problem is, see, and I can't blame it on kids because Sean did not give birth, but for me, I feel like when I gave birth and carried kids, it changed my equilibrium or something. Or else it's age, right?

I don't want to go on them either, right?

But part of me wants to try it and see if I like it. Like, it's been a long time. Oh my goodness.

So bring a barf bag, and I don't want to hear about it the rest of the day that you're all messed up now.

And he can see me holding my head and being like, I need motion.

Why? That we're bringing Motrin, we're bringing Dramamine.

I'll tell you why I didn't do it, because she was telling me that the one that she asked me to go on shook her head. I do not want my head shaked, I'll tell you that.

No, all messed up the whole day.

I used to love it. I have to go right to the chiropractor.

Don't do it.

Okay, so Seth does not support me going on a roller coaster. I do not. Okay, so moving on. So we're letting go of guilt and we're modeling empowerment for our kids. Do we want our kids to be too nice? I don't. So my best coping skill with my fantastic daughter is when she is feisty and spicy, I think to myself, Seth, I want you to remember this. Okay. I think to myself, good for her. Even if it's directed at us, I want her to be respectful, and I made that clear to her. You have to be respectful. But man, does she have a backbone. And do you know how long it took me to get a backbone? I was there as it grew. I think that, you know, Max probably did a huge boost of the backbone. Yeah. Yeah, so I want to model this for my kids. I want to show them that they are important. I want to show them that they don't have to always be worrying about what everybody else wants, and they don't have to volunteer for everything. Although I have to tell you a proud moment tonight. I was rushing home for this because it starts at 9, and I had to pick Ella up at 9, and I got there early, and the movie was over. It was a movie at school, and I was texting her, and I was like, let's go, I gotta go, like, come on. And she comes to the car, she's like, sorry, I was helping them clean up. Wow. She's like, I gotta clean up. And I was like, oh my God, she's acting like me. Because yes, I signed up to clean up on Saturday night. So my point is, well, part of why I signed up to clean up is because Ella has to clean up.

Well, there— I did not know that.

So I signed up because I'm going to be there anyway. Got it, that makes sense. So, okay. Being assertive, knowing when to discipline, not getting stuck in the middle, saying no when I need to, drawing boundaries, letting go of guilt, and modeling empowerment for my kids. How am I doing? Pretty awesome. So I think that the complaint is that I'm nice to everyone, and I'm nice to people that I don't necessarily want to be friends with. I'm nice to people who, you know, maybe don't deserve me to be nice to them. Like, I just want to be a kind person, and I don't want to be bitchy to people. When I'm bitchy to people, I don't recognize myself. It's just not who I am. I had a conversation with my friends, and I asked them about me being too nice, and I asked for feedback. They told me to be my authentic self and to be me and to just accept myself for who I am because they love who I am and that other people should do that too. And I want your response to that.

I agree, and I also don't want to see you get hurt that you could have avoided had you been nicely assertive.

Well, why can't I be nice and assertive?

That's what I just said, you can.

I can be nice and assertive?

Yeah, that's what I just said.

So you don't want people to treat me— yes— in a certain way and for me to not stick up for myself? Exactly. Yes, which I think I've gotten better at. You have, 100%. Um, most of the time. There are still times when people say things and I'm like, "Oh my God, you didn't say anything to that. You should have said something." But then I take notes and then I remind myself that the next time this happens, what are you gonna say? And what I want to tell you is even though I'm a therapist, even though I have training, there are times where I don't know what to say. And I think that when you're not emotional, and you're, you know, if I'm talking to someone about their situation, I don't have emotions caught up in it, so I have a better time giving them advice on what to say. And I think sometimes when I'm in the situation myself, I have so many emotions that I sometimes shut down and don't know what to say. And it happens with Seth too, where I feel like I should be being assertive or saying something nicely, but I get so upset that I just don't say anything. And it happens and I notice it. So I'm noticing it quicker and hopefully I can get better at saying something to people. And I think that I am doing a much better job. If we look at me from my 20s to my 30s to my 40s, then watch out 50s, right? In the 50s we get even better. That is in a nutshell how I am working on this topic. One phrase— Sean says, one phrase I live by: people are mean, be nice anyway. It's who you are. I know, I totally agree with that. I don't want to respond to people in a way that isn't kind. And that doesn't mean that I want to be friends with everybody. That doesn't mean I want to hang out with everybody. It just means I think that we should hold ourselves to a certain standard of, you know, what kind of quality person we are. And I love that Sean said that. I totally agree with you. I think that being too nice is a fault when you are not sticking up for yourself, letting people walk all over you, and not saying no when you need to. So I want you to say yes when when you want to do things, and I want us to work on saying no when we don't. And I think all of us work on that. And Seth is right, my parents do have the book. Have any of you read this book? I cannot remember if I read the book, but I think I should go get it off their shelf and see if I can learn anything from it, because I'm always learning and I'm always growing and I'm always open to feedback. And I think when people say you're too nice, it's kind of a trigger for me because I'm like, hey, how about like accepting it and appreciating it and not criticizing it? And so part of me is like, yes, let's work on this, and part of me is like, this is who I am. So that is the topic in a nutshell, and that was a tough one. And I think that when it's a tough topic topic, that is when I need to do it. So I'm glad that is done. I think that I have Courtney McDermott on the podcast on Friday. I did not check, but that's what I remember. And all of these women that I get to talk to are just so incredible. And I don't know if I've told you this, but I feel like I'm having a therapy session every time I get to interview someone on my podcast. And I interview experts on parenting and marriage and on, you know, female empowerment. And oh, thanks Jeff, thanks for tuning in. I'm sorry I was a little late, these kids keep me busy. So anyways, listen to the podcast on Friday, and I gave— I ordered the prize for the September winner. It is a supportive free community, and I would so appreciate if you would come and join because we give each other feedback and advice, and we talk about challenges and successes and tips and what's going on with our kids. So please go join the group and bring a friend with you and share this with a friend that you think needs to hear this stuff because I know I'm not the only one who needs to hear this stuff. You are in time for your end shebang that you do.

Well, thank you for liking, sharing, rating, reviewing, commenting, and subscribing. And make sure you go to whinyblues.com, check out the Linktree, and make sure to subscribe to Rebecca's 3 times a week free email newsletter that is growing by dozens and dozens of people every single day.

So thank you for joining us. We will be back with a new topic next week, and I welcome your topic requests. You guys send me great requests. You send me guest requests for the podcast, you send me topic requests for the blog and the vlog, and I really appreciate it, and I always welcome your feedback. There are a lot of you in my life that I want to interview, so here's what I'm going to say: if I haven't asked you, there are probably many, many reasons to it. Do not be shy if you want to be on my podcast. And you have a topic that will help people, come talk to me. And if I ask you and you don't want to, like my father, be nicely assertive and say no. Be nicely assertive and learn to say no. So I hope you will say yes. I hope you will be on because there's a lot of you that I still want to talk to. So that's my topic of the week, and we will see you next week.

Happy Wine and Blues Wednesday.

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