Episode 384: Higher Self Habits

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Greene for the Wine Inclusa podcast, and I am very excited today because I get to talk to the wonderful Alessia Citro. Alessia, thank you so much for being here with me today.

Thank you for having me on. If the pre-recording is any indication, I think it's going to be a really fun conversation.

I totally agree with you, and I'm still laughing at myself because I pronounced her name wrong, like, for what, like weeks now? When did I first— so I'm just happy I Got it right. And, um, I wanna tell you a little bit about Alesia because she is, um, quite the lady. She has a lot to offer us. So let me tell you about her. She is a certified life coach, serial entrepreneur, and author of the highly anticipated book, Higher Self Habits: The Scientific, Strategic, and Spiritual Framework. Are you ready for this? To get out of your own way for good. I'm like, that is the best title ever. So with a diverse background that includes corporate achievements at Salesforce and transformative personal growth at Google, Alaycia has successfully transitioned into entrepreneurship, focusing on personal development. Her commitment to self-improvement stems from overcoming personal challenges, including embracing sobriety, which has deepened her understanding of the power of habits. Wow. I have so many questions for her. I was like, let's jump in because selfishly I want the answers. So I want to start with your book. First of all, it's the best title ever. And I want to know what inspired you to write this and how your personal journey influenced the book.

Well, as you were reading it, I'm like, oh, we got to get that bio updated because it's no longer anticipated. It's out. It's been out for a few months now and hit bestseller. So So go grab it. Shameless plug.

This is what they gave me. I'm so sorry.

No, you're, you're totally good. But I'm like, oh, noted. Note to self. So, okay. What inspired me to write this? Let me just say, for those of you listening, you would probably expect the author of a habits book to be this like very straight-laced, regimented type of gal. And that ain't me.

Awesome.

I am a free spirit. I love to do what I want when I want to do it. I hate feeling constrained. I hate doing the same thing over and over again. Variety is the spice of life is like my motto. And so I wrote this book because it's the book that I wished I had had. So if I go back a, a little bit in the story, um, the reason I, I came to become a student of habits is because it's the only thing that pulled me out of this hamster wheel of overwhelm that I had found myself on.

Mm-hmm.

I really had no foundational habits to speak of. I was taking every day, hour by hour, with so many obligations between work and taking care of the household, taking care of my daughter. You just like the emotional labor that we moms have is no joke. And I came last. I'm sure many of you listening can relate to that. And so I began reading all of these habits books, wonderful books, but they have a common denominator. They're written by men. And right, yeah, I mean, look, great books, they've helped me a lot. And it's all about strategy, it's all about do this, rigid, repeat. I— that doesn't work for us for a number of reasons, which I'm sure we'll get into. But I'm like, we need to have a woman's perspective on this because the how-to only goes so far. I need to have a deeper meaning why, and I also need the permission for every day to look a little bit different because as women, as mothers, no two days are the same.

That is so true. But, you know, so, so I'm perplexed. So people listening might be perplexed. So explain to us, because I'm fascinated, how you have habits and have it be different every day, because I get bored and I need variety. So explain that to me.

Okay. So the best place to start this piece of the conversation is with cycle syncing. Now, I'm 38 years old, approaching 39. I found out about this 2 years ago, and I was Furious when I found out about this concept. I'm like, why is this not in the video that we all have to watch in the 5th grade about getting our period? Every woman should know about this. So if I am, uh, if this is breaking news to any of you listening, the basic premise of cycle syncing is that women operate on a 28-day-ish cycle and men, they operate on a 24-hour cycle.

Mm.

And guess who the world was built for and by?

Men.

Yep. So, and look, like, I, I love my husband. He's amazing. I do not wanna come off as a man-hater. That is not the goal here. However, we function differently than they do. So for men, it's like the movie Groundhog Day, that classic with Bill Murray where he wakes up and every day is the same. And it is not that way for us. So the, here's like the high-level overview, and then if what I'm saying intrigues you, There's a couple books I'll recommend that will go into way more depth on this. So you start with your follicular cycle. That's, uh, right after your menstrual phase when you bleed. And that is a great time for planning, preparing, ideating. It's when you feel really creative. Think of it like spring as far as seasons go.

Okay.

Next you have your ovulatory phase, and this is when you are really social. It's like hot girl summer vibes. You are communicating beautifully. It's a great time to sell if you sell in your business, a great time to be out and about meeting and greeting, all of that. Next you have your luteal, which is like fall. So you're harvesting from the seeds that you planted in your follicular. This is a time where, uh, you might absolutely hate your partner and the way that he breathes annoys you. You know, I just found out that the reason that we— that that happens is because we're mad that we didn't get pregnant. Like on a primal level, it's like he failed to impregnate me, so I'm mad. Yeah, even if you were not trying to have a baby.

So interesting.

Yeah, primal stuff, man. So, um, so there's that. You might want to burn your business to the ground. It's an interesting phase, but it has a lot of benefits. It's great for like executing on things, wrapping things up. Your attention to detail is super, super heightened in this phase. And then the final phase is your menstrual cycle, and this is meant for reflecting, recharging, relaxing. It is not the time to be going to events and like selling an offer or, you know, doing all these kind of more high-energy things. It's a time to go inward, like winter. So based on that, your habits and what you do each day are going to look a little bit different. So rather than like having a— let's use a morning routine because everyone's big on a morning routine right now. I'm kind of anti in the traditional way. Which I know you're like a habits girl's anti-morning routine. I am in terms of it being the same thing every single day. And instead, what I advise my clients to do, and I talk about this in the book, is create a menu. What if, what if your morning routine got to feel like a buffet?

Hmm.

And based on what you feel like eating that day, you can pick what you want from the buffet, or you can order what you want off the menu. So maybe every day you don't feel like journaling. You don't feel like meditating or visualizing or doing whatever it is you like to do in the morning. Have baseline habits that you do every single day, whether that's like drinking a hot cup of lemon water or something like that, that, uh, recharges you. But don't feel like you have to commit to this extremely rigid type of morning routine that is just no fun and doesn't work for us. And you know, I tell people too, maybe someday your morning routine— because I've got an almost 6-year-old Maybe your morning routine is drinking your coffee in silence while it's still hot, because that is an act of self-care. And maybe all you do, like, you just drink it with the intention to receive throughout the day and in gratitude. Maybe that's your routine some days.

I mean, I feel so understood already. I mean, I'm just like, you can just see I'm— all the tension is leaving my body. I mean, I don't want to do the same morning routine every day, and I want to have options. And I wanna drink my darn coffee hot.

Oh my God. My mom, I don't know if she's ever had a cup of hot coffee until she was an empty nester. Like, that's a real thing.

Yeah.

So if that requires you getting up even 15 minutes before your kiddo just to start the day in peace and set the tone, just do that. It depends on the season of life you're into, you know?

That is so true. And, and most of the listeners probably have kids at home. I'm gonna guess, and are trying to balance a lot. So talk to us about balancing all the things and using habits to help ourselves.

Okay. So what I typically find is that most women have a really strong overachieving perfectionist streak. You're laughing cuz you know it's true, right?

I do.

We've had to be the good girl. We've had to be a daddy's girl. We've had to listen and be quiet and be good and be perfect and look cute, and that shit's exhausting. So let's just— so let's just throw—

awesome.

You know, you're catching me on a— what? Oh, I'm in my luteal. That's why you're catching me on a really frank day.

Love it.

So throw all of that out the window. And why I say that is because most of the time, women especially, when we're setting a new habit, we've got like the end goal in mind. It's like eye on the prize. Like, I'm not just gonna exercise for my health, I'm exercising to lose 20 pounds or look this way. I, I use a fitness example a lot because everyone can relate to it. What if instead we look at all of our habits instead of these like top goals, what if we look at them, uh, in a more fundamental way? So there's, uh, Maslow's hierarchy of needs. A 20th century psychologist, Abraham Maslow, created this, and he basically states that there's a hierarchy of human needs. And if, and if pieces lower in this pyramid are not being met, the things at the top can't happen without them just crashing back down. It's kind of like building a house of cards. It's not super stable. So you've got basic needs, right? Hydration, sleep, adequate nutrition. I would put nutrient-dense foods in there instead of, you know, snacking on your kids' leftover Goldfish. We've all been there. I'm not judging, but that's not a meal. Exactly. I don't know if I said adequate sleep, but I'm going to say it again because it's important. Daily sunlight, some movement. I'm not talking about HIIT workouts or anything crazy. I'm talking a 5-minute walk if that's all you can get in, right? Or some stretching or whatever it might be. Then you move up to safety and stability needs. So, you know, do you live in an environment where you feel safe? Are you paycheck to paycheck and you have a really a lot of financial insecurity? Until you shore that up, it's going to be hard to climb the ladder, right? Then next is love and connection needs. So this would be, you know, relationships that really matter to you, your friendships, your partnerships, relationships with your children, your family, having those, knowing that you belong to a group. Next is self-esteem. So do you respect yourself? Do you feel generally capable of handling what life throws your way? Are you accomplishing things? That sort of thing. And then at the top of this hierarchy is self-actualization. This is when you are living full out in your potential, doing what you know you were designed to be doing. Now, most people, they get really excited about the top two levels on that pyramid, and they neglect the stuff at the bottom because they're like, oh, that's That's so basic, it doesn't matter. And unfortunately, I learned this the hard way. This is why I had to write a book on it. Unfortunately, if you ignore the stuff on the bottom, the stuff on the top might happen, but it's going to be very temporary because again, the house of cards comes falling down. So I am here to tell you that explanation, very good explanation of that.

Yeah.

I mean, right. So like, I'm here to tell you, you might be in a season where what you need to focus on is not the big sexy stuff that you think you want to do or should be doing. It's maybe drinking more water. It's—

no, it always comes down to water.

I know, right? Because we're just complicated plants, right? I heard that and I could never unhear it. Drink more water, go get some sunlight. Yeah.

Okay. I'm going to remember that forever now. I will tell you that if you went over my day, you would probably say, drink more water. That's what you would say to me.

Well, and I'm jumping ahead a little bit, but here's what I advise all my clients. And I go into detail on this on the book, or you know what I'm trying to say. I need another cup of coffee. All y'all can relate. I am drinking from a Stanley, right? My emotional support water bottle, I jokingly call it, because why? It makes it easy to drink water because I have a straw. So with any habit you're having a hard time with, I invite you to ask WTF— not that one— where's the friction? What is making it hard for me to do this?

Oh, I'm writing that down.

Yeah, you'll never forget that one. And a straw reduces the friction. Seems stupid. How much work is it to, you know, unscrew a lid? But it's enough that you won't drink as much water.

I love straws. I love ice and I love straws.

Yep. And electrolytes or Glow C or whatever it is that you put in the water to make it even taste better. All of that. All ways to reduce the friction.

Okay, so I will tell you, speaking from experience, that all of us have some negative habits. All of us are doing things that, you know, aren't benefiting us. So how do we tackle that and then replace with better habits?

I love this question. And yeah, I, again, going back to the thing I said about the perfectionism, don't think that this is ever going to be perfect. I mean, yeah, I'm like the habits girl now. I still struggle with this day in, day out. Like last night I woke up in a scroll hole at 11:00 PM. I tell people all the time how to avoid doing that, and yet I did it. So it's never going to be perfect. Okay. Give Rebecca Greene.

That's true.

The first thing I tell people is actually focus on creating a habit before you take one away, because that's going to build momentum and confidence in your ability to do this. So that's the first thing. The second thing is everything is a behavior design problem. It's not a you problem. So here's what I mean by that. Our willpower— people always put so much uh, so much pressure on themselves to be motivated and have the willpower. You know what, when you've been chasing around a kid or two all day and eating Goldfish for 3 meals and, and sleep deprived, at the end, at the end of the day especially, you have no willpower to speak of. We can't rely on that. So there's 4 components to every behavior, and I'm gonna encourage you to take one of the components out as much as possible. So You can remember this through another acronym, ACTS. A-C-T-S. So the A is ambition, your desire to do this behavior. C is capability. Can you do it or not? T is trigger, the prompt or the cue to do it. And then S is satisfaction, the reward you get from doing it. And yes, you get a reward even from negative behaviors, whether it's a dopamine hit or avoiding something that you'd rather not deal with.

Okay.

Yes.

So yes.

How do we eliminate Ambition. Motivation's gonna leave you high and dry. It's why gym enrollments spike in the beginning of January and suddenly no one's going anymore 3 weeks later. Okay? So we wanna leave the A out. You wanna focus instead on capability. How can you make a behavior really easy to do to create a habit? And if you wanna stop doing a habit, you make it harder to do. So let me, let me give you an example. We'll use the phone cuz I told you I was in a scroll hole last night. Okay. How can you make it harder to do? Well, you could put your phone in another room because it's a lot harder to scroll if you have to get up and get out of bed to grab your phone, or you could put it on a dresser or a charging station across the room. And here, I know I said don't pay attention to ambition, but this does factor in a little bit because look, you're going to be a lot more motivated to stay in your cozy bed than to scroll the Gram, right?

Yes.

My solution to this is actually using a 6-inch charging cord because most of the time I'm going to be way more motivated to wake up with a fully charged phone than I am to scroll in the middle of the night. And it then removes the prompt in the queue too, because I can't even like see it. If you have a, uh, you know those charging things now where you can just like set the phone on top of it, you don't have to plug it in. If you have one of those next to your bed, get rid of it or move it across the room because it's way too easy to pick your phone up and put it back down.

I agree.

So that's one example. If it's, um, let's use the— everyone wants to eat healthier, right? So let's use that example. If you don't want to be snacking on— I don't know, I'm going to pick on Cheetos today. Well, what can you do? You can make it harder to eat the Cheetos by either removing them from your house or putting them on a really high shelf where you have to get a stool. Anything that's like, I have to get a stool, it's dead to me. That's like, I don't like to bake, so all my baking stuff is up there because I don't use it, right?

Yeah.

Put it somewhere that's a pain in the butt to get to. And then that also functions as a removal of the prompt or the trigger because you're not seeing it. Like, think of when you go to the grocery store. Eye level is where all the prime real estate is, and those are the products that sell the most. So make it harder to do and remove the prompt. And we could go way deeper on this, but I just want to underscore make it harder to do the thing you don't want to do, easier to do the thing you do want to do, and then add a trigger or prompt if you want to do it, remove the trigger or the prompt if you don't.

Well, and my husband says to me all the time, well, just don't buy it. The kids don't need it either. And my thought on that is, because I don't want to eat cookies doesn't mean that I don't want my kids to ever get to eat cookies. So it's like we have this fight where, you know, there's cookies in the house right now that I am staying away from because, you know, trying to be good most of the time.

But, um, my point is testing your willpower.

Yes, yes. It's like he always says, just don't buy it. And I'm like, well, just because I don't want to eat the cookies doesn't mean the kids can't have a cookie. So I hear you, and I struggle with this. I definitely struggle with this.

I have one other thing that may or may not be helpful, but it could be putting it somewhere you don't go, but that the kids go. Because if it's out of sight, out of mind, that will help. Or the other thing you can do is introduce conscious thought. Maybe it's like putting a Post-it on it that says, Rebecca, you know, you don't really want this. Maybe you're just thirsty or bored or need to take a walk. Right? Actually, can I give a quick example of how this actually worked for real in our house?

Yes.

Okay, so the last house we lived in had a pantry with a door, and our daughter became a toddler walking, and she figured out how to open the door and would just like help herself to snacks. And my husband and I are like, oh, this is not good. How are we going to stop this? We had to change the doorknob to one with a key and a lock. And so we did that and that was really effective. And guess what else happened? My husband's in such denial about this. He just projects on me that I'm the one with the snacking problem. I'm not, it's him. Anyway, guess who else stopped snacking? Yeah, he stopped snacking. Why? Because there was a little bit of friction that was added because he would have to walk 6 feet to get the key. We're not talking a lot of friction, just a little. And that would then introduce conscious thought in him of like, oh wait, Do I really need to unlock this door right now? Am I actually hungry for a snack or do I just need a drink of water and like need to get outta my office?

This is really helpful. I, I love making it a little bit harder. I love making us think a little bit. Super helpful. And I'm really fascinated by your whole balancing feminine and masculine energies. Can you talk about that and how, how does that impact wellbeing? Through habits? Because I am clueless about this.

Okay, the best way I've ever heard this explained is to think of masculine and feminine energies like this, and they have nothing to do with gender, by the way. Men have feminine energy, women have masculine energy, and ideally they're in balance. Think of like the yin and yang symbol, right? Okay, so the best analogy I've ever heard— I'm holding up a coffee cup right now, my Plant Lady coffee cup, because I'm approaching 40 and I cannot have enough plants. Okay. The, it's a thing. I don't, I don't understand what's happening, but it's like an arboretum here.

I'm terrible with plants, but go on.

We'll talk offline. I'll give you some tips. Okay.

Thank you.

So the mug I'm holding would be like masculine energy, right? It's the structure that holds the coffee within. And the coffee in the mug would be like feminine energy. And they need each other. Why? Because an empty mug is really no use to me. And without the mug, I can't drink the coffee. Instead, I have a mess. It's all over my desk. It's ruining it. It's, uh, frying my computer. I stained my carpet, ruined my clothes. Chaos. That is the extreme of feminine energy without any masculine to counter it. It's chaos. And masculine energy on its own is rigid structure. Boring, boring, boring. So how the Right. So how they— how these play out, I would argue most women in Western culture, specifically here in the U.S., we are very much in our masculine. We are hard charging, go, go, go, grinding, uh, figuring out how we can be more efficient with chauffeuring our kids to 100 different activities and with no, no moment to breathe. All these are like masculine traits, right? The feminine is flow. It's taking time and creating space to relax, reflect, to receive instead of give. How many of you listening are giving, giving, giving, giving? When's the last time you received? In fact, actually, this just dropped in. I don't know why I'm going to say this, but I'm going to. I think that's the main reason that most women can't have an orgasm. They can't receive. They're too in giving mode. Yeah.

Yeah. I've never thought, I've never thought about that ever.

Yeah, we went there. So this is an invitation to receive more and to create space because right now you're probably doing everything for other people and you're doing nothing for you.

Well, and here I thought, thinking about it, that all of my giving was feminine. And as you're explaining it, I didn't realize how much masculine energy I have all day long.

All day long. Yeah, we all do. Until you like wake up and you're like, whoa, this is out of balance and I'm burned out. My adrenals are fried. I'm chronically tired. I have autoimmune diseases, whatever it might be. That's all because we're pushing ourselves too hard and not taking enough time to rest.

Oh, we all needed to hear that. Did everybody hear that? More resting, more feminine energy. I heard you. I'm taking it all in. And I really want to know what are our misconceptions about habits?

Oh gosh, that you are going to be bored out of your skull. You're not going to be able to do anything fun. You're going to be a prude or a square. You're not— yes, no one's going to want to hang out with you. No, it honestly, it's interesting. I mean, if you create again these baseline habits and make them micro, right? If you create these baseline habits, it actually frees up a lot of mental energy for you to be, do, and have more of the things you deeply desire. And it frees up a lot of time for you to focus on the stuff that you're actually interested in versus feeling like you're playing whack-a-mole.

Yes. Yes. Because I was going to ask you how it influences relationships. So it sounds like it's going to give us more time for the relationships.

Absolutely. And like, here's the thing too. I mean, we women tend to always put ourselves last and you can't— you know, this is cliché, but it's cliché because it's true. You can't pour from an empty cup. The best thing you can do for your relationships with your children, with your partner, with your parents, with your friends, is to do something, ideally first thing in the morning, that fills your cup, because that will radiate through all your interactions throughout the rest of the day. You're not going to be short with your partner. You're not going to be impatient and screaming at your kids trying to get out the door, right? The days when I do that— because I do that It's always because I did not fill my own cup that morning and I'm running around with my hair on fire.

So I need to do this. So tell me how you're— give us examples of how to fill our cup first in the morning.

This is really unique to each person. And I know you're probably like expecting more of a canned answer because, you know, everyone has that conception about habits. Oh, it has to be one way. It doesn't. You get to determine what works for you. If that means Uh, well, when weather permits, going outside in the morning and just looking at the sky, having a breath of fresh air before the craziness of the day starts. That might be it. It might be doing a quick stretch. It might be a few minutes of yoga in the kitchen. It might be journaling. Again, going back to the drinking coffee while it's hot and it's quiet.

Oh my, that's my favorite.

Yeah. And I kind of go through stages. Right now I'm really into journaling again. Um, I also love listening to like a really short meditation or visualization. And when I'm talking meditation, I'm not talking about like monks that are transcending space and time. No, no, no, no, no. Just listen to something that energizes you and makes you feel good. And what I would suggest is finding maybe like 5 of them you can rotate through that you have saved so that you can find them quickly. We want to eliminate any type of friction or thinking so that you can just get into the zone in the morning.

Such good advice. So I get asked frequently how to journal. So can you give a brief, like, people don't know how. I know that sounds really silly to you and I who love to journal, but can you just give some advice on how to?

The reason I laughed actually is because I feel like I'm so guilty of this too. So I'm calling myself out and up with this as well, but like, we're always looking for someone to give us directions. Like just see what comes out. Um, so that would be my advice. There's no wrong way to do it, and there's no the— I, well, I was gonna say there's no right way to do it. The right way to do it is whatever resonates for you. Uh, personally, I subscribe to Julia Cameron's method of morning pages, and you don't have to do this as long as she says. Her thing is write 3 pages, just stream of consciousness, Wow. Look, I have a small, I have a small journal. You all can't see it, but it's probably 6 inches tall. It's not big. If I had to write 3 pages on like a college size, no. Uh-uh. So just make it your own. Um, you could be reflecting on gratitude. I actually love this. And again, I know this is cliché, but like you prime your brain to find more things to be grateful for if you adopt a gratitude practice. So maybe it's just journaling on the thing that you're feeling super grateful for that day. And each day, maybe challenge yourself to find a different thing that you're grateful for. But that would be, yeah, start out really easy, see what happens. I'm always surprised what comes up though. It's been a really healing practice.

That's awesome. I mean, I love it and I think it's so funny when, when people, you know, that's the masculine side of us that wants it to be this rigid formula and we're not getting in touch with the feminine, creative, flowing journaling, right?

Yep, exactly. So let it be, let it be a challenge to you to be in your feminine. Just let it flow even if it makes no sense and sounds stupid, no one else has to read it. You can burn it after if you want to, but just try it.

Exactly. Exactly. Well, and I'm curious for you, if you have something that you— I mean, I don't mean to ask for something life-changing, but is there any habit that really changed things for you that you could share with us?

You know, it's Yeah, I love this question, and it's, it's less about the habit and it's more about what the habit represents. Because doing this thing day in, day out that you said you wanted to do, it rebuilds your self-trust, it rebuilds your self-confidence, rebuilds your self-love. So I would say like something that will call to you, do that. The habit that started it all for me was taking a greens shot every morning. In fact, I don't even do the green shot anymore. It evolved into other things. But that was my jumping off point. So maybe it's taking your vitamins in the morning, whatever it is that's simple that you feel like you quote unquote should be doing anyway. Don't should on yourself and just approach that with love and watch your confidence soar.

Yeah, I never thought about habits that way. It is self-care. It is self-love. I have so many misconceptions about habits. You're breaking it, right? You're breaking it for me. Well, and there's a science behind a habit. Okay. So you talk about the science behind it. Can you explain that to us so that we like them even more?

Oh, yeah. Okay. So the biggest thing with forming a habit is you have to make it satisfying. So how do you make it satisfying? You hack the reward center of your brain. So the same reward center of your brain that has you addicted to Instagram, it can actually work to your benefit as well. So, and actually, uh, if you all read my book and you enjoy it and you want to go deeper on habit design, Tiny Habits by Dr. BJ Fogg is an incredible book that details this, like, like deeply, deeply, deeply detailed. Okay. So one of the things he says in that book, he says, this is the most important thing to learn in the entire book is to celebrate every time you do a new habit. And so again, we're overachieving perfectionists as girlies, right? So we're like, oh, why should I celebrate something I should be doing anyway? It's insignificant. Okay, no, celebrate it. And what do I mean by that? When you remember to do this new habit, as you are doing it, or immediately, like milliseconds after you complete it, do a little celebration. That's something like, um, imagine if you roll up a piece of paper and you throw it into the trash can and you sink it. What does that little celebration look like, right? It's like, oh yeah, I did it. Like something that makes you feel good. And the reason to do that is it will wire it into your brain that it was pleasurable. You get the dopamine hit, and then your brain's like, ooh, that felt really good, what was I just doing? And it encodes it. You can also— bonus points to do this— mentally rehearse doing it. So if you close your eyes and you visualize this new habit you want to create, doing it 7 to 10 times, and each time in your mind's eye celebrating your brain can't tell the difference between a real or imagined experience, and that will also help to hardwire it much, much faster.

Wow.

Wow.

So I didn't know I was doing this right, but, you know, I'm really focusing on weight training. And so I did 40 minutes this morning, and I, like, am feeling stronger. And I was like, yes, you did it! Like, I was, like, so proud of myself, but I didn't know that that that was actually something that I should be doing.

Yeah. You know, I was even thinking about it, like, if going to the gym is a hard thing, like, the moment you, like, get in the car, celebrate. When you walk in the door, celebrate. No, this doesn't have to be an external thing where people are like, who's that weirdo? Like, and also, who cares if they think that? But it's an internal thing. So through your workout, like, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate until you are sick of celebrating.

I love that advice because we don't— we celebrate our kids. We're really good. I tell moms we're really good at celebrating our kids. You know, they get a good grade or they're excited to tell us something about school and we're like, yes, you made the team. And we like jump up and down for them, but we never really do that for ourselves.

No, no. We're, we're like conditioned to think it's indulgent or frivolous or something. I don't know. It's like once you become a mother, you need to be like a martyr and like sacrifice yourself. And I'm here to tell you, you don't. So yeah, it's a mindset shift too, for sure.

For sure. And I don't mean to bring up a very heavy topic, but you got sober, and I don't want to end this podcast without talking about it. Can you talk about your journey and how that has helped your growth? And I mean, that's huge.

The only thing I can compare it to is a cheat code. And my life has gotten immeasurably better. One thing that you all should know about me, I actually had a 7-figure online wine business, uh, that blew up like during COVID I mean, it just went bonkers because everyone was home and wanting to drink, right? And I, you know, I probably always had questionable drinking behavior dating back to like high school and college, but it like— especially college. But like being home, I was in California, so like you literally couldn't leave your house for a year. Being home with like nothing else to do besides drinking, and I had so much wine in my house because I sold it online. I just woke up one day after, um, a few nudges from my higher self that it might not be in my best interest to continue anymore, and I finally was like, I've had enough, I can't do this anymore. Like, I'm like, what am I— what kind of cycle am I starting with my daughter? I don't have anyone in my family that has alcohol use disorder. I would have been the first. I want to be a cycle breaker, not a cycle starter. Right.

Yeah.

And so it was just, um, it was just a decision I made one day. I then went back, tried to moderate, and was like, oh wait, no, I can't moderate anything. So I'm, I'm done for good. But yeah, it's been, uh, 552 days, I think, um, since my last drop to drink. And I, I would never go back. If you're listening to this and you're buying into the mommy wine culture stuff, I'm here to tell you parenting is so much easier without the booze.

Well, and I think that there are people listening who are struggling with that and probably want to drink right now. So what do you have to say to them?

I think that I might be a bit unique in that I've still never gone to a meeting. I just made up my mind and, and did it one day. Um, I don't think that I was chemically addicted. I think it was more of like a process behavioral addiction. And what I mean by that is like the clock strikes 5 and it's like, okay, time for wine. And you're used to doing it. It's a, it's a habit. So if that's the case and it's not a serious addiction, I would say, what can you swap it for? There are so many amazing non-alcoholic options now.

Yeah.

What can you swap it for? Can you do sparkling water in a wine glass? I'll tell you, and I still enjoy non-alcoholic beer. Not, I don't drink nearly as much of it as I used to, but that was my lifeline in the beginning. Yeah, so, so swap it. And then I think just, you know, really keep in mind like why you're doing it and reflect on if you're to continue down this path, like what does that mean for you and your potential that won't come to fruition? What does that mean for your children and what you're modeling for them? Um, I quit when my daughter was about 3 years old, and I remember right after she said, Mommy, where's your wine?

Oh gosh.

Yeah. And that's when I was like, thank, thank God I quit because I, who knows what. And I know, you know, anything up until that point is still in her subconscious somewhere. But, um, our more is caught than taught and our kids are watching. So if it's not for you, do it for them. And there's so many great resources to help people get sober that really do have an addiction. I tell you what, it's worth it. I don't miss it at all. And it's so much better on the other side. So, so much better. This book wouldn't exist if I was still drinking. I can guarantee you that.

Well, I'm super impressed with you and had to ask you about that. And as you can see, had a lot of questions about habits.

Oh, this was, this was one of my favorite interviews. Maybe my favorite. Don't tell anybody that.

Oh my gosh.

So happy.

Yeah. So fun. Well, you're fun. You have such a fun vibe. I want you to know that you're so easy to talk to and, um, Tell me, is there anything I didn't ask you that you think is important to share?

I think the only thing that drops in is, for all you moms listening, like, who, who were you before you became a mom? Like, what were the dreams you had? What was the vision for your life? Yeah, you've got kids in the mix now, but like, don't lose that dream. Don't lose that vision for yourself. You pursuing that, I think, is one of the best things that you can do for your children. And like, tapping into who this your higher self, this best version of you is, and doing your best to be her day in, day out will truly change your life. You're so worth it, and you're more well-resourced than you think, and I'm here for you. I know you can do it, girl.

I think we all needed to hear that. Most definitely I did. I think that we get very caught up in the mommying, in the, you know, everyday, you know, the hamster wheel. And I'm very, and I'm very blessed and I'm very thankful, but I need to take care of myself and my own stuff too. And I want you to, I want you to tell everybody where to find you, where to find your book.

Yes. Okay. Well, you can find my book two places. If you want a signed copy, go to aliciacitro.com/book and there will be a link there. Or just go to Amazon, Google Higher Self Habits. It'll come right up and it'll be to your house hopefully in two days. Um, let's see. Oh, I would love to connect with you on Instagram. I'm super active over there. I've got a broadcast channel too called the Higher Self Daily Dose where it's like a quick hit of something to either inspire or provoke thought on how you can be the best version of you. Uh, and that's @alaciacidrow_ because yes, there are others who, who, who would have thought? Um, let's see what else. Oh, and then I also have a gift for listeners. So I have a guided visualization that you can listen to to really tap into like Who is Your Higher Self? And then a capability guide as well. I mentioned capability is the key to habits. You can get both of those at aliciacitro.com/gift.

Thank you so much. I gotta go check all— you're inspiring me. I, uh, I need to be better at Instagram. I need to be better at Instagram. Okay.

Hey, you know what? That will come. You focus on the foundational stuff and you'll be like, oh, I have more capacity now. I feel like posting on Instagram.

Yes. Yes. I, I definitely— you're, you're inspiring the Instagram right now. So I'm going to go find you when we get off and not scroll at night on Instagram. You know what? I do put my phone far away from me charging, and that really works. So I totally agree with you.

Yeah. Got to make it harder to do these things we say we don't want to do. Put your money where your mouth is, girls.

Yes. I love it. Friction. I'm going to remember. Okay. Make this a little harder.

Yeah. Where's the friction? If there isn't any, add some.

I love it. I love it. I loved talking to you. Um, loved asking you all the questions. I can't thank you enough for your time today.

No, thank you, Rebecca. This was wonderful. Thank you for having me. And, uh, yeah, go be your higher self. Be her now, everyone. You can do it.

Love it. Love it. This is Rebecca Greene, and I want to remind all of you to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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