Episode 393: When Moms Can't Do Anything Right

Hello everyone, happy Winey Pluza Wednesday!

Happy Winey Pluza Wednesday!

I just realized Ella doesn't sing us in anymore.

It's been years.

No, it hasn't been years.

It's been a long time and it's like once in a great blue moon.

I think it's been months, not years. I think Ella needs to come sing us in.

Okay, why don't you go get her then?

Ella had a 12-hour school day the last 3 days. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Went into school at 7 for before school, had school all day, and then stayed at rehearsal until 7.

She's a hard worker.

So I'm assuming she is laying down on her bed and does not want to come, right, and sing. I'm assuming she is off duty.

Yes, unlike us.

So, so I'm at the PTA meeting Monday night, and the moms are all talking about their daughters and, you know, teenage and tween daughters and what it's like. And, you know, that we basically do everything wrong and, and for years. And it just made me feel so normal, so so supported, understood, understood. We were all talking and I was like, yep, that's normal. Yep, that's normal. Yep, my kid does that too. And it was just like, there is just such a sense of community when— Tanner, stop! There's the bowl I was looking for. What's it doing there? Oh my God. Okay, when moms get together and talk There is nothing else like it. Your husband doesn't tend to understand. Other mothers— other mothers understand. So the first thing that I'm going to tell you before I dive into this topic is that I promise you, if you are struggling with something with your children, go talk to your mom friends, go talk to other moms. They will relate to you, they will have advice for you. And, um, yeah, that's my advice is talk to other moms. It's always helpful with every subject. And I also love to talk to moms with older kids than mine because they've already been through the stage of life. So I'm like, oh my God, you know, the tween stage. And they're like, oh, been there, done that, I know what that's like. So talk to other moms and talk to moms who have older kids than you do. So let's talk about moms not doing anything right. I want to promise you that we do a lot right. They don't— even if your kids don't see it, they don't always tell you, but they love you and they think you're doing a lot right. And we're not doing everything wrong. So Let's talk about eye rolling, which I am ashamed to say that I'm very good at. So if you know anything about marriage— no, that's the wrong way to put it. If you know anything about John Gottman, who is a marital expert, he will tell all the wives everywhere to stop rolling your eyes at your husband. Please, it is probably one of— it's not a good thing to do. It definitely is on his Four Horsemen of what not to do when you're married. So unfortunately, I am still working on it, and we don't want to model this skill for our children who are also very good at eye rolling. When I was doing some research about eye rolling. What came up is the silver lining of if they are rolling their eyes at us, it means that they are paying attention to us.

They have to have a reaction to what you said that made them want to roll their eyes. That's an interesting point.

Versus being aloof, versus walking away, versus ignoring us, versus not hearing us. So at least they're they're hearing you even though they're annoying you. And I do personally— a lot of things that I read said to just ignore it and let it go, to make a joke of it, to eye-roll back. There's lots of ways to respond. For me personally, as a mom, as a social worker, I do think that we need to set boundaries with our kids. I think that an eye-roll is not a big deal, but I think it's disrespectful. And when I roll my eyes at Seth, he points it out to me.

I do not like it.

Because I want you to know, I don't always know that I did it. So, when he says it, I'm like, "Oof, that's not good that I rolled my eyes." So, catch your kid. Say, you know, "That's not appropriate. That's not how we handle adults." Whether it's you or a grandparent or one of your friends or whoever, they need to be called on their behavior. So I don't think we should ignore it. Personally, I think we should set the boundary, and I think that we should remember that we were all rolling our eyes at our mother one day. We were, we were. It's normal. A lot of the stuff that we're going to talk about is very normal and developmentally appropriate, and it's how our kids begin to to find their independence. So we want our kids to start to do things like say we're annoying, tell us to go away, rolling their eyes. That's how they're starting to get their independence.

And it's not fun and it's uncomfortable, but can't they do it in a nice way?

It's so normal. It's— I mean, you and I have talked about the fact that it's very normal.

Yes.

What we're dealing with. So, okay, so we've talked about the eye rolls. Something that we need to remember, and I have done a really good job of it this week, and Seth will tell you I don't do this all the time. I'm not good at this all the time, but I remember that it's not about me. So when the lashing out begins, I'm like, hmm, I literally did nothing. So what is going on? What pressure, stress, what happened at school? What happened after school? What did a friend do to them? Did they get a bad grade on a test? I wait. I've learned to wait and become more patient because it tends to come out what is actually going on.

That was very helpful. Yes, I tell you, you don't know anything yet. You gotta get all the information. Well, there's a reason why they're doing or saying what they're doing or saying.

I think that what you have pointed out to me when I've been angry is she's in an unresourceful state.

Yes.

And I noticed that even a couple times with Max this week, like, it's just an unresourceful state. So like, give them the grace to like not respond, not engage, not take it personally. We're going to talk more about all of that. So the next one, Seth is gonna love this, we talk about this all the time, pick your battles.

Yes.

And he said to me the other day, see, sometimes I preach the stuff that I forget to do myself. So even though I know that this is what we need to do, we get caught up in the emotions of the moment and we don't always follow the logical advice. So the logical advice is Seth saying to me the other day, you cannot pick every single battle, right?

You'll be exhausted if you fight her on everything.

You can't get mad at everything. Like, you've got to let things go. And I think that sometimes I don't realize that I'm getting sucked into getting pissed at everything. Like, you can't talk to me that way, you can't roll your eyes at me, you're having attitude with me, that's not how you talk to your mother. Like, getting reactive to everything she's doing is like just pleading.

Completely.

So I have to learn that number one, is she in an unresourceful state? Is he in an unresourceful state? Do I need to just—

Are you in an unresourceful state?

Sometimes that happens. Sometimes it's me. I would say more often than not.

Sometimes she puts you in one.

Yes. Sometimes I get there. No, sometimes I get there too quickly. I let myself get there. Like, I think that sometimes, sometimes I'm like, I do so much for these kids and they, they need to treat me better.

Yeah.

Um, what was I even saying before that? Picking my battles. So point being, is this really a big thing? Is this gonna matter in a week? Is it gonna matter in a month? Is it gonna matter in a year? Probably not. So let more things go so that you're not exhausted, so that they're not exhausted, and so that there's not fighting all the time.

Yes, you just— you just— if you escalate back, you just make it worse.

I do think— I do think we need to set boundaries. I think boundaries are really important, and I think a lot of times they don't realize how they're talking to us or that they're rolling their eyes. So I think that we can calmly— like, if I get pissy, it's just gonna explode.

Yes.

But if I can calmly say, you know, I, I really don't like how you're talking to me right now, um, you have a much better chance of getting through to her then. Yes. And I think that when I'm using the word respect, she doesn't know what that means. I think she doesn't know when I say you need to treat me with respect. I don't think she knows what that means. And why I'm saying that is we need to be specific with our kids. So she, like, like, her line that she says to me all the time is, "I didn't do anything. What did I do? I don't understand why you're upset with me." And I'm like, "You're being really pricky. Like, you're being really, like, snotty to me, and I want you to be nice and kind and say please and thank you." Like, "Do my hair right now." Um, no. I'm not gonna— I'm not your slave. I'm not gonna be back.

See, that's interesting because you do say, what am I, the maid? What am I, your slave? Like, you instantly go— you go to that place.

I'm not their servant. I'm not—

really? That's not in the mother job description? And you're using inflammatory language that makes you more pissed as opposed to de-escalating yourself, right?

But I will tell you, everything you're saying is correct. And I agree with you, but she needs to say, "Mate, will you please come do my hair?" I would really appreciate— like this morning she said, "Can you please come do my hair?" So she's learned that I'm gonna get pissed if she's like, "Come do my hair!" Well, hey, that's progress.

If she did that every time, you wouldn't be doing this episode right now.

I see, I see a light, light, light. Like, I will tell you, Max is very sweet and respectful, but man, he has been tired and cranky. So, I mean, they all— none of them are innocent, and I'm not innocent, and he's not innocent, but he is much less reactive with the girls, and I'm much less reactive with Max. So there is some sort of gender—

gender disparity—

there's some sort of gender thing.

No, no, they can't pass a bill about that one.

Okay, don't take the embarrassment personally. Don't you remember being embarrassed? I mean, Mom, you, you gotta go tell whoever that is to turn that off. Somebody is drying their hair with the door open. I'm sorry about the noise. So, hey, close the door. So everybody, everybody hears that their mom is embarrassing Every mom hears that they are doing something embarrassing. Everything they're doing—

you tell me I'm embarrassing you and there's no one else in the room. Who are you embarrassed in front with? Don't you have to have someone else observing you to be embarrassed?

I have a question. I don't know if you're— wait, if you're watching, can you hear the hair dryer? I'm so sorry.

Maybe a tiny, tiny bit, but I don't think it's that obvious. Give us a comment, let us know.

Okay, so going back to being embarrassing, let's not get reactive and take it personally. It's so normal. I say, this is my advice to all of us, don't let it stifle you, don't let it change you, don't be self-conscious about it. It's just a normal thing, and I'm still gonna dance in the kitchen, and I'm still gonna be myself, and I'm still gonna be loud.

Oh my God, do you know how many times my kids are like 'You're so loud, can you be more quiet?' Or, 'Oh my God, this is from the woman who was annoyed that I was doing dishes while she was trying to read her book.' You are the woman who processes out loud and talks out what's in her head, but if I say something, you're like, 'I'm trying to have a thought right now.' I'm like, 'Okay, so you can process out loud, but I cannot.' You are also very loud.

It's not just me.

There's no denial here.

I fully admit that. So I am very loud and they'll be like, "Ugh, do you have to talk to everyone?" Like everything is like, everything can be icky to them and don't take it personally. Don't change who you are. Just be yourself and embrace that this is how teenagers are.

10 years from now they'll realize how smart we are.

And it's not gonna always be this way and I emailed some teachers today because I'm not gonna go in for conferences if I don't have concerns. But I want them to know that I'm checking in with them and I'm saying hello and do they have any concerns. And I only did it to one of Max's teachers for a reason and he was like, "Oh my God!" You know, like he's a senior, like you don't email teachers, but I'm not gonna get to go talk.

He's believed that you don't email.

Yeah, well, I mean like when your kid's a senior, senior, you really make them do all the talking. But in my defense, I'm not going in to have conferences with anyone, right? So I did have a substitute— a question.

So anyways, embarrass me.

Oh, so embarrassing with a question.

Now she's gonna come talk to me about your question.

Oh my God, you know him so well. I'm like, I promise you, I didn't annoy her. She wasn't annoyed.

You don't know Mom, she's just being nice to you. That's not really how she is.

And it's not even just that, like, I saved her a conference. Like, I'm not gonna go— I literally sent her an email with one question. There's no conference. You don't have to have a conference about a question. So anyways, I'm still gonna be me. I'm still gonna be loud. I'm still gonna dance. Like, I'm not gonna let my kids— I'm not gonna let— oh my God, God forbid we kiss. Oh my gosh, they can't stand if we kiss in front of them. Oh my God, don't do that.

I thought that was just Lily.

Oh my God. Well, Alice, Alice smiles.

Yeah, I don't think Lily's gonna give us a hard time and tell us not to kiss each other.

It's probably— is it just Lily?

I only remember vocally hearing it. Lily's the one who complains. We could get her to run out of the room on purpose though.

Oh my God. Okay. If you're like, I've had enough of Lily, just kiss me and she'll run Okay, so we're not gonna take it personally that we're embarrassing, and we're gonna show that we're listening. So I think the biggest line that we get from teenagers in general is, you don't understand. And I never understand. And I think that I, you know, I want us to acknowledge that we may not understand, but we're listening and we're trying. Like, I will say I know that you don't feel like I understand, but I'm trying to understand, or help me understand. And I just want them to know that I'm listening to them. And Ella in particular has said to me, you know, I think Max and Lily tend to be looking for like concrete advice, whereas Ella doesn't want advice. Ella is like, I literally just want to vent and I want you to listen, and I don't want you to have advice for me. Like, she will spell it out for me. She's like, I need you to listen. And I think that a lot of times they just want to feel validated, like what you're going through is really hard. You know, she had a 12-hour day today. That is really hard. She doesn't want me to belittle it or tell her to just enjoy it, or, you know, find joy in the journey, or whatever else I might say. She wants me to validate that it was a long day and it's hard.

Yes.

So just show you're listening. Even if they tell you you don't get it and you don't understand, you're still there, you're still listening, you're still trying. Do you have that issue or are you okay with that one?

I have learned to not rush to give advice or solve problems, and I have learned to ask the question, what exactly are you looking for from me right now?

Yes, because a lot of times—

My natural instinct is to try and solve it.

I think that a lot of times they do want advice, And as a social worker, I know that I have to teach them to problem solve. So, you know, as parents, we want to like swoop in and fix everything. And I'm trying to remember to say, what do you think you should do? What could you do? Like questions to lead them to the answers. And I have even said to my kids, I know what I would do, but I want to help figure out what you should do because they're not me.

Right, they might handle it differently.

So give them space, but be ready to step in. This is quite the interesting dance as a parent, and I think that I try to give them a lot of space because they're crotchety. Like, they're tired, they're cranky, they want space, and I don't need to be in their face. Like, I don't need, you know, There was a time recently where I was asking questions and Lily was like, I just want to eat my dinner. Like, I don't want questions. Or Ella will be like, I don't want to talk about it. She says that all the time.

Yeah, she said that on the way home when I asked her, how was school? I don't want to talk. How was rehearsal? I want to talk about it. And then when— by the time we got home, she wouldn't stop talking about it.

So it's like, just give them their space and then They're gonna talk.

Yes. I mean, they'll crack eventually.

Some people will tell me that their kids don't talk, but I will tell you that I have found if I give them the space that they need, they will talk. Like, like Lily was like, I can't talk about this, and then it was like an hour later she wouldn't shut up about it. What do you need from me right now is perfect.

Yes, good question.

It's a good question. It's a good question because I have to get better at asking you that. You do ask me that.

You do.

You do ask me that because sometimes I want to vent.

Yes.

Sometimes I want to say, are you just venting or do you want me to help you fix it? Sometimes I want advice. Um, sometimes I will say, I want you to go get your child. I don't want to get back in my car. Like, I love when he's—

I love you say, just go deal with— you go deal with her.

I love when he he says, how can I be helpful? Yes, because he doesn't always know what I want.

I do not.

And he comes home from work and he sees me running around and he's like, what do you, what do you need? Like, what can I do? What do you need? And our kids need us to say that too. Amen. And a lot of times my kids will say, I just need some downtime.

Yep.

So we'll give them that. Yes, I try. A lot of times I'm a curious bird.

You're very curious. You have to restrain yourself.

Thank you. Adrian likes my sweatshirt. Yes, you're wearing my Whiny Clues sweatshirt. I'm a curious bird and I want to know what's going on, but I know that being a parent has given me a lot of patience. I think that my greatest gift as a parent is patience because I don't think I was patient before I was a parent. I don't know what you think.

I'll have to try and remember back that far.

I think I've had to learn to be patient, and I think that one of the most recent— one of the oldest memories of me attempting to learn patience is Lily being 1 years old and telling me she had to do her own shoes.

I knew this is, this is your— this is the example you're going to use.

That's where the— that's where the patience began. And it always tends to be related to Lily.

Yeah.

Okay, hold on to the humor. So I think one of my favorite things is when Lily and I are fighting and we both start laughing. We will just look at each other and give each other this look, and we both love to laugh, and we will just start hysterically laughing, and the whole pattern is interrupted. Or like they're really annoyed about something and I start being silly and make them laugh. You do that. Yes, you will make us laugh, or you'll make me laugh.

I do that.

I think that being silly is a really good thing and bringing humor into things. I don't want them to feel like what they're saying isn't important or that the issue isn't important, but I do sometimes think we can lighten the mood.

Absolutely. Humor is a great coping strategy. Diffuses tension and conflict.

Keep perspective, people. So do you remember the days when they were babies and not sleeping, or toddlers having tantrums? Do you notice that we get through all the stages? Like, we— they all pass, then we move on to a new stage. and this is a stage. And I feel like 7th grade, you know, everybody who watches this, let me know what you think about 7th grade. But I remember thinking 7th grade was icky with Max and Ella. I remember thinking they were ornery and hormonal and everything I did was wrong and they rolled their eyes at me all the time. And then in 8th grade, I noticed that they started to mellow out a little bit. Do you remember this?

I'm gonna take your word, your recollection for it.

So I'm curious what other mothers have to say about that, but when I talk to other 7th grade moms, I'm like, yep, 7th grade, 7th grade, it's okay. 8th grade is going to be better. I've made an appointment.

I like positive emotional appointments with yourself.

Those are good. Oh my gosh. Well, I mean, we'll see if I'm right, but that's how it was with Max and Ella. Yeah. So stay consistent and loving means that I'm always going to be there. So they could roll their eyes at me, yell at me, be ornery, be a teenager, and I'll still be there at the end of the day. So I just want them to know that I love them and I'm there. I want them to know how I expect them to treat me. I think expectations are huge with teenagers. They cannot call me brah. Brah. Brah.

Yeah, when did brah become a thing?

It's always something new, like there's always a new— it wasn't always that, it was, it was something, there was something before it, but they always try to like slip something in or like call me by my first name. There's— I draw the line at a lot of boundaries with my children, but I will always be there. I will always love them. And I show them with things like putting notes in their lunch. I show it to them by picking them up whenever they need to be picked up. I'm like, you know, the Uber driver.

Yeah.

Today it was, can you come pick me up? And two of my friends need a ride home. When did I become— it's okay, it's all right.

The day you took the kid down the street for the first time and then said, sure, you can hop in the car anytime, is when you became—

it's all good. It's all good. Everyone can jump in my car. So lastly, cherish the moments when we get it right because we get it right a lot. And there will come a time where they are talking to you and asking you for advice. There will come a time where they're thanking you for something. Lily did turn to me today and say thank you for picking her up and taking her friends home. They do appreciate us. They do love us. They don't always tell us, they don't always show us, but we do a lot right. So I think that even if our kids aren't telling us what we're doing right, at the end of the day, we should tell ourselves, like, what did I get right today? What did I do today that I liked with my kids?

Amen. Focus on the positive.

Well, yeah, I don't, I don't always get it right, but we do get it right a lot of the times.

You do indeed.

And sometimes I lose my patience, and sometimes I roll my own eyes.

You do.

What did you say to me tonight about the eye rolling?

Because you rolled your eyes at me, right?

But what did you say to me? You said something really funny about it.

I did?

Yes. I don't remember either. But don't roll your eyes because your kids will model that behavior.

Yeah.

So that is the topic of the week. Moms can't seem to do anything right, but we do do a lot right, is what I want to say. And, um, I want to tell you guys that in the Winey Clues and Mom group on Facebook, we are currently doing the Thankful November Challenge. I think it ended yesterday, but you can still go comment on all 5 days and get lots of entries, and I'll give away prizes. I gotta pull some names. And there's also a giveaway going on. We have 2 free, um, Bella Kids VIP sale tickets. The Bella Kids sale is this weekend if you're local. I'm in Buffalo, New York, um, Williamsville to be exact, and there is a huge consignment sale going on this weekend with toys and baby supplies and clothes. I don't— tons of stuff. So if you are interested, go do the giveaway, go enter. And this Friday on the podcast is Dr. Lisa Cooney, and she talked about our soul prints and radical healing. Super cool lady, super cool topic. I get to talk to the coolest people. It's a really good job, by the way.

Yay!

And what else do I want to tell them, Seth? My mind is dozing off to bed.

Go to whinybalooza.com, find Rebecca's Linktree with all of her resources, like, share, rate, review, subscribe, and sign up for the free 3 times a week Amazing Winey Palooza email newsletter.

Wow, he— I don't know how he does that. So you can listen to my podcast anywhere you listen to podcasts. Share the content with friends that you think it would be helpful to. And I lost my thought that I wanted to say. It's a lot of thoughts in my head, but it's very late and I get up very early and I'm so tired.

Yes. So thank you for watching Winey Palooza Wednesday, and we'll see you all next week.

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