Episode 399: The Stress of Tryouts and Auditions

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Welcome to Winey Palooza.

I was falling asleep on the couch, so this is pretty impressive.

I'm very impressed that you got up off the couch to get onto this couch.

We switched couches.

Yeah, but now you got to talk to people.

Oh my goodness, how is it?

You get to talk to people.

Everybody is off cooking for Thanksgiving. I am guessing that you are baking pies prepping your turkey. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

I had a call with a woman at 1:30 who said, you're my last call and then I'm gonna go start peeling potatoes.

Yeah, uh, you avoided Wegmans today, you lucky man.

It was—

thank you for going.

It was mobbed. It was mobbed.

Yes, I went and worked and paid for Wegmans.

I ran in and ran out. Thank you for working.

You're welcome.

I worked today too, but not for Winey Palooza. I worked for our children and our house.

Yes, you did.

Thank you very much. I did not do— I did do a little whiny blues and never mind.

You're doing it right now.

I did other stuff too.

Yes.

I don't know that a day goes by that I don't do work.

Right.

And I would say you're the same way.

I still am waiting for the day when I tie you to the couch and all you do is eat bonbons.

Oh man, I need to X off the day.

We need to schedule a bonbon day.

Call it the bonbon day?

I think we should.

Well, so I probably, and I'm gonna shoot all over myself, which we're not supposed to do. I probably should, in air quotes, be talking about Thanksgiving and being grateful and how important gratitude is.

You wanna do that tomorrow.

And we probably should be talking about all of that right now. In fact, I'm petting my dog, who I'm so grateful for, who we brought home 6 years ago on Thanksgiving. So yeah, there's that. So we probably should be talking about being grateful and thankful and all the things we're thankful for and keeping a thankful perspective throughout the whole year. All of that is important. But what I did write about is the stress of auditions and tryouts for our children and the stress is not only on them, the stress is on the parents too.

We go along for the ride.

We are on the roller coaster journey with them. And it's funny, as I was writing, I realized how therapeutic it was for me to write about it. And that is how Whiny Palooza began.

That is very true. That is the origin story.

That was me writing about the stress of parenthood onto paper and feeling so much better getting it out onto paper. And I was like, okay, it's time to get your coping skills intact. We are going to write about this topic. We are gonna write about coping through this. And man, did it help. And did you, how did you feel when you read it?

Did you— Are we talking about, are we going back to the origin story or are we talking about tryouts and auditions?

How did you feel when you read Oh, tryouts and auditions.

Um, it was very helpful to me. There is definitely some good takeaways in there that helped me feel better and that apply to adult life, not just kids trying out for, you know, a cheer team or auditioning for a musical.

Okay, I love that. So as I talk about pointers, will you point that out?

I will point some pointers out.

So, oh, Ella and Lily, had an audition and a tryout on the same freaking Monday, and I was like, oh Lord, do you know how many times those children have come out of a tryout or an audition and told me I didn't do so well? I have gotten that from my children before.

Yes.

So I was like, okay, you are not Tanner enough, you are not you're going to come out of this telling me that you bombed it. You are going to practice, you are going to go in and crush it, and you're going to do an awesome audition. And that is going to be the story today. So I put it out to the universe, and I was a nervous wreck the whole day. What about you? Did you— were you busy and didn't think about it?

I was busy, but I did think about it, and I was waiting for text message. I, I did text her good luck, and I texted Lily, and I was waiting eagerly, pins and needles, for some notifications.

So Lily was trying out for cheerleading. Lily did do football cheer. However, that doesn't guarantee you that you're gonna make basketball cheer, especially since there were more people trying out for basketball.

Basketball cheer, if I understood correctly, is a much smaller squad than football cheer.

I think that they ended up taking a lot of girls. Um, they did cut people, but I think she probably took more than she had anticipated. I would have to ask her. And every time I talked to my girls, they were telling about me about more people that were trying out for the musical and for cheerleading. I feel like every time I saw Lily, she told me someone else that was trying out, and I was like, oh great, more competition, great, more competition. So anyways, it was a very nerve-wracking time. A wonderful mother was texting me telling me that she hates tryouts and auditions and she can feel my pain. So thank you to that mom for—

You were not alone.

Texting me and reaching out to me and being so supportive. I definitely knew that I wasn't alone and I knew that other mothers were also stressed out and all I could do was hope for the best. I had no control and I knew that they both had practiced and practiced and practiced and we're going to talk about that. So how do we cope? How do we help our kids cope with tryouts and auditions? And I landed in my first spot of don't put all of your eggs in one basket and I really want to talk about this because Lily's friends really impressed me. They tried out for volleyball in the fall. Volleyball is really popular. I don't know if you know this.

I do not.

So popular. Kids got cut from the volleyball team. Well, her two friends got cut from the volleyball team. So what did they do? They joined field hockey and they tried field hockey. And I love that they bounced back, joined another team, and tried something new. I love when our children have a multitude of interests. I don't want Ella Ella has come a long way. I don't want Ella to just be interested in musical theater. Ella has changed so much. She has so many interests. High school has been amazing because there's been so many things that she has wanted to join. I love hearing about her— she just joined another club. She's in so many clubs. Seth takes her to school early almost every day, so It's a question of how early are we going in today?

Ella, are you getting there at 6-something? Early 7s? What time is it today?

I don't want all of her eggs in the musical theater basket, and she will tell you that is only one of her many interests, and I love that because then, then it's like spreading diversification. Yes, and we don't want them getting let down in one area and not having other things to do. So if your child does not make a team, does not get a part, there are so many ways to get involved. And what I want to tell you, my experience, um, being involved in the high school, is that if you don't know what to help your kid get involved in, there are teachers at school who they can talk to, you can talk to, and they will help them find things. It's not all on you. It's not all on them. Ella could say to her teacher, I want to get more involved. What, what, you know me and you know what I'm good at. What do you suggest? And her teacher has so many suggestions for her. She hasn't had to do that, but if she did, her teachers would help her. So the other thing that I have really learned over the last— Lily is really loud, I'm trying not to be distracted. What I have learned over the last couple of years in my research is that it's so much more important for us to praise our children's effort versus praising the outcome. So what, what I have really worked on with Lily with her exams, she has so many tests and she gets so nervous, I see Lily studying and studying and studying, and I say to her, "You worked so hard. You studied so hard. I'm already so proud of you. So now when you go in there, you know that you have tried hard and you can only do your best, and that is what matters to me." So then when she has come out with a really good grade, great. But if she comes out and she's like, "Oh man, I really don't like my grade. I'm really upset." upset. And I'm like, I understand, but remember, you worked really hard and I'm still proud of you. So no matter what happens, no matter what the outcome, we want them to know that it's the effort that really matters. And that helps them be more resilient, just so that you know that. So the resilience comes from being the hard worker and having the effort and the attitude and learning that they're learning skills and not just getting a spot on the team or a grade, or a grade. And Lily was practicing like crazy for her tryout. Ella was practicing like crazy for her audition, so I was already proud of them.

Yes, I can't help Lily with practice for cheer, but I can certainly and did help Ella practice for her musical theater audition.

Well, and what's interesting about that— let's stay there for a second. Is that in my deep dive about tryouts and auditions, the advice to parents is to be their cheerleader and not their coach.

So, oops, did I do something wrong?

Well, no. So this is a little tricky. So I want to talk about this with you because this is tricky in our house, because parents are supposed to be the cheerleaders and we're supposed to leave the coaching to the coaches and the directors. However, Seth went to school for theater. He majored in theater. Was that the major?

Yes.

I was a cheerleader, okay? So I try to be very gentle with Lily and leave it to her coaches to really coach her and really encourage her. She wants me to be honest, so I don't want to like What is the—

blow smoke.

I was just gonna say blow smoke. Now, as far as you're concerned, it gets a little tricky here because you know how to coach her and how to be a director. So I don't know how you feel about that.

I didn't know there was a problem. I— what else was I— I rehearsed the scene, I accompanied her on the piano and played so she could practice the song, and I worked with her on the dance.

So here's—

it's not like the director is going to coach them on how to do a good audition and practice with them. It's kind of, here's the video, here's the music, good luck, you're on your own.

Well, I want to tell you what you're doing right there. What you're doing right is you're not being harshly critical in the process.

No, I mean, I am telling her things that she needs to improve, but I would— I'd say I'm very nice about it.

I think you do a really good job, and I don't think that you're super strict. I don't think you're super intense.

No.

And I think that she doesn't feel criticized by you.

No, not at all.

So you're doing it right.

Thank you. Yes, that's good. I was worried for a minute.

I'm just telling you what I've learned.

Got it.

Okay, along the way.

Okay.

Uh, set realistic expectations. So Lily— oh my God, I God love her— Lily is like, Mom, I'm gonna make the team, stop worrying. And I'm like, Dude, you're in 7th grade and there's a lot of competition. I'm like, let's just be clear.

It's older than you.

Let's just be clear, you are the youngest child. There are 10th graders that you're trying out against and they only have a certain amount of spots. So let's be realistic here. And she's like, Mom, and there's only so many parts in the musical.

Like, you need to be realistic in the fact that there is stiff competition, especially when, you know, again, and like Ella's a sophomore and they're juniors and seniors who, you know, it's their turn for the big part.

I just don't want us to set our kids up by not being realistic with them. We don't want to be like, you're the best baseball player in the world, of course you're going to make the team. It's, is your kid really really that talented that you're that sure that they're gonna make it? Or do they need to actually be— do we need to let them know that there's really stiff competition and maybe they need a backup plan? I don't want our kids to think that we don't have faith in them, but I also want to be realistic, right? It's a delicate—

we need to be optimistically realistic.

That was really good.

Thank you.

I really normalize their nerves. It is so normal to be nervous. There was a day when Ella was telling me about her nerves and I said to her, "You know that anyone in your shoes would feel the same way. You know that anyone would be nervous. It's really rare not to be nervous in that situation." I love— I wanna let anyone know who doesn't know Who coined the term nervous— nerve—

nervousited?

Nervousited. Okay, so Ella started the word nervousited in our house, and it's a mixture of being nervous and excited, and that term has really helped me with my nerves because it reminds me that I'm excited.

Yep, I use it too.

And excited feels a lot more comfortable to me than nervous. I'm not saying that it's not normal to feel nervous. I'm just saying that I like to be reminded that I'm excited. Like you're excited to get out there and do something. She's excited to go out on stage and perform for people. She's not just nervous. But we also want to give them pointers of when you're nervous, what are you going to do? Are you going to count to 10? Are you going to take a deep breath? Are you going to walk around? What kind of tips work for your kid to help them calm their nerves. I remember in school having a worry stone, and I remember rubbing my worry stone to calm myself down. I don't know where it went. I guess I need a new one.

We have a bowl of the rocks.

It's not a worry stone though.

It's not the same.

It's okay, I'll show you. I don't know.

It's a rock. I don't know what the difference is.

It's like got like— you like rub it. I guess you could rub any rock.

I rubbed the rock you gave me that's got the engraving on it.

Oh, you do?

I didn't label it my worry stone. I just— it's my totem or whatever you want to—

yeah, that's cute. I love that.

I thought that's why you gave it to me. It says you are my rock.

I gave it to you.

It's a rock that says I'm the rock.

I gave it to you because it was a sweet gift. I didn't give it to you to rub the rock.

Oh, oops, I didn't read the directions then.

I could be wrong. So be their calm anchor. Be their calm anchor. You are really good at that, and I work at that. Because I don't want to be a nervous wreck and make them a nervous wreck. I gotta calm myself so that I can calm them.

Yes.

Right?

Yes.

I also was talking to Ella about keeping perspective. Ah, Lily's friend called us really upset about something the other night and just reminded me about what's really important. And I'm not saying the musical and cheerleading isn't important, But in the grand scheme of life, there are much bigger— there are much bigger things. So the musical is one moment in time, the basketball team is one moment in time. There are much more important things in their lives that I want them to realize. Just keep things in perspective. Don't get lost in something that is actually kind of small, if you ask me.

Yes, and it can be easy to get swept up in the small stuff.

Yes. And now, advice from my— our amazing son. When I asked him about college— you might have seen our video about college. If not, you can go back and watch it. I asked Max about college rejection letters, which, I'm gonna knock on wood, he hasn't gotten any and hopefully he won't get any. Um, I just wanted to have a conversation with him about it, and he said that rejection is redirection.

Oh, that's a good way to put it.

And then explained to me that when colleges are looking at the, at the candidate, they are looking at the whole person, and does the whole person fit in with their college. Is it— is this person who they want at their college? And if he is not what they want at his college, then there is someone else who's going to want him, and that's a better fit for him. So I was blown away by his attitude. It's a great attitude, and I hope that he keeps that attitude. I will remind him of that. Hopefully I won't have to remind him of that, but Rejection, any rejection, rejection from the volleyball team is redirection to field hockey. So just reframe it for your kid to redirection. Where are you being redirected to? And when I posted in my group, there is a Whiny Pooza Mom group on Facebook that's free, come find me and join. I had posted give us an example of a redirection story, and people had really good redirections of where, where, where a redirection had taken them. That is even better.

And I'm gonna go check those out. That's awesome.

And I'm just thinking about Claire talking about how they were redirected to Buffalo and how awesome that work has worked out for them. Okay, celebrate every step. So I want to celebrate that they tried out. I want to celebrate that she auditioned. I want to celebrate every step and praise them for effort and bravery and trying and go on the journey with them and enjoy it and not just hold my breath for the outcome. So this is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. How come I did 9 and not 10?

9 is your lucky number.

It looks like I did 9 tips, and writing these 9 tips grounded me and helped me. And guess what? I need to have my girls read these 9 tips, and I should have Max read this. Maybe it will be helpful to them. I had somebody say, thank you, I wish I had had these tips when I was in high school. Ah, isn't that so sweet?

They apply to life, not just high school.

Oh, okay, so you You were supposed to tell me that. So here, tell me about that.

Okay. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, right? One marketing campaign, one job. Realistic expectations, important. Let's see, normalize nerves, right? I get nervous about work stuff.

You knew that.

I was texting you today and you were my calm anchor. Keep perspective in check. Reframe rejection as redirection. When you said that, I was thinking, oh, That person is just redirecting me to do something differently that happened, you know, earlier, um, and celebrate the steps along the way. Those are all directly applicable to life and work.

That makes me so happy. I was just thinking about how, um, putting all your eggs in one basket with friends and how we want our kids to have a multitude of friends.

Well, sure, look at Real Housewives shows, right? Those ladies come and go. One season they're on and they're gone, and they come back 4 years later, you know. Never know. You don't want to put all your eggs in that one Bravo celebrity friend basket.

I just made him watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and tortured him. And I was like, honey, would you like to put something else on? He's like, yes, please.

I could watch the next episode, or we could go back to the comedy with Ted Danson that we were watching last night.

Tell them about the comedy, give them a recommendation.

Yes, on Netflix, A Man on the Inside, Ted Danson. Undercover is trying to solve a crime in a nursing home. Very, very funny.

We're enjoying it, and I love when we find a show that we both like. So feel free to give us recommendations that are not reality shows.

Let's keep those writers employed.

Oh my God. I will say I want to figure out what the show Traders is.

Traders as in like betrayal of a country, or trader like I trade an investment?

Traitor, like you have to figure out who the traitor in the group is. Oh, like, okay, like a, like a reality show.

Oh, fabulous.

If anyone has seen it, let me know if it's any good.

Didn't I play Among Us with the kids in the app, the game? Doesn't that count?

Oh my gosh. Well, moving on to Thanksgiving. Yes, I hope that everybody has some plans for Thanksgiving to enjoy some family and/or friends. I hope that everybody has a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving. On Friday on the podcast is Diana Koscka, I think is how you say it. I should have watched my video to remind me how to pronounce it. And she talks about changing behaviors, doing something new, getting over obstacles, all stuff that we all need. And you will love her and learn from her. And, you know, feel free to send me your suggestions of topics that you want, guests that you want, and what else, honey?

Go to whiningpalooza.com, check out Rebecca's Linktree with all of her amazing free resources, including the newsletter that is 3 times a week delivered to your email inbox. And as always, with every piece of content, please like, rate, review, share, and subscribe.

So, um, the newsletter is free, the group on Facebook is free, and there was something else I want— oh, so share this with somebody whose child—

yes—

is trying out, auditioning, already did, needs some coping skills. Share it along. Let's share it and help people. And have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and we're thankful for all of you watching. So thankful, so thankful for this opportunity, and we will see you next week. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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