Episode 412: When Your Husband Travels

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

You may notice that our background looks substantially different.

It— you can't tell in this light what color it is though.

Yes, but it is not red and there is no paint children's art behind us, and there's also temporarily no Winey Palooza neon sign.

So we have had a very busy evening, we have had a very good week so far. We had our house painted today, so we are very excited. We have— now we have a blue wall behind us as opposed to an orange wall.

Orange, thank you.

I painted the playroom orange for the kids when they were little. Now I'm going to make it a peaceful, calm sitting room for us. It's going to become our zen room.

Oh, I like this.

I'm gonna— I'm gonna clean it up which I've been working on. I'm gonna clean it up and I'm gonna make this our zen room.

I like zen.

I did a light gray in the kitchen and the dining room. That looks so much better than the red.

It does.

And Ella got her braces off. And Lily had a basketball game and a Korkus concert tonight. So we are—

Late.

We are moving, we are late because of Lily. And we are moving and grooving. This week. So not only has this week been busy, last week was really busy too. What is wrong with my voice?

Nothing. Would you like me to get you some water?

I'm okay. Last week Seth traveled to Arizona for work.

Yes, I was out of town. Thank you for holding down the fort.

Would you like to tell them maybe a little bit about it, one of your lessons that you learned?

I am in a peer-to-peer CEO business owner group called Entrepreneurs Organization And in a chapter, there are many little subgroups called forums. My forum, which is 6 other entrepreneurs and myself, we traveled to Arizona for a retreat to meet with the amazing Warren Rustan, who had an incredible background— bestselling author, former president of EO, bought, grow, and sold like 17 companies, worked in the White House, and was very, very helpful in helping us all solve all of our business issues.

Awesome. He had a great time.

Yes.

And so I was inspired by it for many reasons. And I think that when I talk to other moms, their husbands travel too for work. And I don't know if I've ever written about traveling tips when your husband travels. Have I?

I don't know. We'll have to go look it up.

I don't know if I've ever done this topic before, but the topic this week is when your husband travels And Seth told me, you know, when back in the day— yes, Seth traveled all the time. The kids were little, it was so much work for me, I hated it. And then COVID came and he stopped traveling, and I loved it. And now every so often, not like before—

oh, I used to travel like every month. Um, this is probably, as far as I know, my only trip of the year. There may be, you know, it's— I don't have anything planned. There might be a surprise that comes my way, but last year I think I went on 2 trips instead of 12.

So I am going to tell you, and we will move on. Yeah, Seth tends to under-exaggerate on stuff like this, so that's okay. I accept Seth for who he is, and I know how he is, and he does travel. He just doesn't travel like he did before. And I was like, you know what, let's talk about coping skills and tips and how do women or men deal with their spouse traveling. Now for me, when the kids were little, it was so much harder. All of my tips apply to you no matter what age your kids are, but I will tell you, I don't care how old your kids are, you need to ask them for help. Any age kid can go put 2 scoops of dog food in the dog food bowl.

As long as they're physically and mentally capable.

I mean, a 4-year-old could do it.

Right, it's 6 months, gonna have a little bit of a struggle.

Yeah, a 1-year-old cannot. If your kids are toddlers and—

My bets are off.

And I'm very sorry if your spouse travels a lot because I know what that's like. But, you know, I really am honest with my kids. Like, I'm exhausted. I can't do anymore with you today. Like, Dad's away. I've reached my max for the day. I'm done. Like, be honest with your kids.

Good for you for knowing you're being aware of that and not being in an unresourceful state and stopping yourself. That's awesome.

Well, and, you know, asking the kids to do things.

Yes.

I would like to see the kids do much more than they did. Like I came home from my coffee date or whatever date I was on and Ella's feeding the dog and I'm like you could have done that when dad was away like we have to be specific and we have to ask them and you need to get your kids involved and I need to get better at delegating that's one of my things that I need to work on in life is instead of doing everything I, I have a friend who I'm thinking of who is like the master delegator, so I need to go to dinner with her and I need to pick her brain about how she delegates so well. Corey is joining us. Corey was a key player in helping me pick paint colors.

Thank you, Corey, it looks great.

Corey, you cannot tell, but there is a beautiful light blue behind us in the playroom. And there's like a weird light shining from above that you can't tell that it's a blue, but it's a beautiful light blue. And I picked Repose for the kitchen and the dining room, and it looks gorgeous. So I will do— I'm gonna put the house back together. He painted today. I have to work on cleaning up the mess that's everywhere now, and I will do a before and after picture video thing for everybody to see how great it looks. But, um, okay, so we're talking about when your husband travels. I'm talking about involving the kids and being a better delegator. Corey, I knew you'd approve. And I want to talk about my mindset because I am so— sometimes you notice that you've changed as a person, and I have noticed that my mindset has totally changed. So Seth tells me he's going to Arizona and I'm like, oh great, what am I gonna have to do by myself while he's away. So first I'm nervous, and then I'm like, you know what, I can totally handle this. You're capable, you're strong, you can do this. Like, just do it, right? So I used to tell myself negative stuff. I used to tell myself, oh my God, it's gonna suck, I'm gonna be so overwhelmed, how am I gonna get through the week? Who's gonna help me?

It's hard enough when he's here.

Oh my God, one of the famous—

Hi, Uncle Josh.

One of the famous lines that I say to Seth is, it's hard when you're here, how am I gonna do it when you're not here? But I know that I'm capable, I know that I'm strong, and my mindset was totally different, which made it a totally different experience. And you, when you read my blog—

I was really impressed.

There is a written blog at winaplusa.com You really liked that part.

I did, because your mindset affects everything. And I have had experiences that I have shared with you that when I had a lousy mindset, they sucked. And then when I changed my mindset and went through the exact same experience again, I had a great time.

Yeah. So I can't emphasize enough to all of us— I'm talking to myself— mindset is everything. If we can shift our mindset to a different way of looking at things, we change the whole experience. So we need to remind each other gently of that line that I just said. Amen, right? So, you know, I was talking about being better at delegating. I also think one of the things— I need to get better at delegating, but I think one of the things I have gotten better at is asking for help and using my village. So I know that I'm not alone. So the fact that I know that even though Seth is traveling for the week I have my parents and my friends and people who I can ask for help. Uh, my parents were like, just tell us what you need us to do. So I know that I'm not alone, so that helps me.

Yes.

And if I think that I have to do everything by myself, well, that would make you feel unresourceful and overwhelmed. And I also have— oh my God, I, I don't know if I can say this— Max is going to be 18 next week. So I said to Max before Seth left, I said, listen, Max is very self-involved. He is taking 5 AP classes. He's got a busy school day. He comes home and goes straight to the gym. Then he comes home and does homework the rest of the night. Yes, he is a very busy, busy almost 18-year-old. And I said to him, I might need you Oh my gosh, you might have to pick up your sister. Like, I might actually have to ask you for help. So I prepped him because I do have another driver in the family. So he was very lucky and did not get asked to drive anyone anywhere. But please ask people for help and don't do it by yourself. And please, you and I, let's get better at delegating. Let's be like, I don't need to do this, I have 3 children, I can ask one of the children. Somebody said to me that they had children for manual labor. That was so funny, right?

Lots of kids to grow up and help you on the farm.

Use the kids, use the kids. So changing my expectations for the week also changed my experience.

Okay, awesome.

So there's still a ton of laundry to catch up on. I— the laundry wasn't done, the dishes weren't always done, the house wasn't always clean, and guess what? I didn't always cook either.

Good for you.

So Seth does not like Chipotle. So one of the traditions is that when Seth goes away, the family gets Chipotle and we all get it and we all get excited because Seth doesn't like it. So I'm like, you know, you could get it and I just get something else and I'm like, Dad's going away, guess what we're having for dinner tonight?

You're so funny.

And then I have something that excites us and I don't have to cook and if I can take something off of my plate then it's an easier week. If I can change my expectations and not expect the house to be perfect that week, I can have a better week. So just changing how I'm viewing things and what can I simplify— that was one of the questions that I asked myself. What can I simplify this week?

Love it. Oh, good question.

A perfect example was we're eating whatever in the fridge. I'm not cooking. We have a ton of food. Make it work. I tend to cook for you every night.

Okay, you're not cooking only for me, you cook for our family a lot, right?

But a huge part of the motivation is you. So I didn't know this, I did not cook as much when you were gone.

Well, I didn't want you to do as much work when I was gone anyway. I thought you'd order more to make your life easier, right?

But there was also lots of food that, like, I find that the kids are easier to like— I wish I could think of an example of what I fed them, but like, I can throw something in the oven that they'll eat that you won't eat.

Okay.

But I'm happy to cook healthy for us. Well, I certainly happy to do that. Happy to do that. Okay, so we've shifted our mindset, we have turned to our village, we have changed our expectations, we have involved our children. What else are we going to do? If I could flip the page, I could Probably C. I don't know why I'm struggling. Oh, staying connected, and that's huge for little kids. I mean, my kids care too, but if your kids are little— I mean, like, I love FaceTime so much. I'm— when he goes away, I'm so appreciative to like see his face, and for you to like say goodnight to the kids on FaceTime is just so sweet. So everything I read about when your husband travels was like stay connected and it helps the kids. So, um, we might help the wife too. It helps the wife too. The wife was so busy that the wife—

yeah, you were understandably very tired.

I was very busy and very tired. You, um, were so busy we didn't talk much at all.

Yes, and the time zone difference does not help because we were going to dinner when you guys were going to bed.

Well, and I was up for hours and he was like Good morning. And I was like, must be nice, must be nice. I got up at 6 AM and he's getting up at 9 o'clock our time. Yes, that— you must have loved that.

Yeah, sleeping later was very nice, man.

That's not fair. I'm literally counting.

I was on— I stayed on East Coast time the whole time, so I was up at late for me, but I was up a couple hours, like an hour or two earlier than everybody else who was sleeping in the Arizona time. So I was up by myself and had quiet time.

Joanne, which part do you relate to? I'm trying to remember what I just said, or what Seth just said. What were we just talking about?

There's the sleeping in, staying connected.

I literally count down. I know this sounds terrible, and I need to change my mindset, but I literally count down to Saturday because I know that I can sleep in.

Awesome.

I think it's the only day that I can sleep in of the week. Yeah, so I want to tell women and men to celebrate their successes and to celebrate the wins and to give yourself praise through the week. I realize every time Seth goes away how much I actually do. So when Seth is here, um, my hobby would have—

yes, my hobby would have tidy TDY for over a month and lived like a bachelor while I'm with kids.

Yeah, yeah, yep, sounds about right. So, okay, tell me what I was saying.

Uh, celebrate the wins.

Yep, celebrate the wins. Oh, when Seth goes away. So when Seth's here, you realize how much we have our dance, and, and we both— he comes home, I do every— I do my stuff during the day, and then he comes home and he rolls up his sleeves, and then he jumps in and what needs to be done and who's going where. And you go take Lily, I'll do the dishes, and we just dance all night. Yes, right. So when he goes away, I'm like, oh my gosh, I do a lot. Like, I was like, wow, like, I can do this. Okay, do I love that Seth comes home and asks how he can help? 150%. However, I could do it all. I can do it. I don't want to. I don't want to do it all, but I can. I'm like, man, you do a lot every day. And I realize it when he goes away. I'm like, oh, I do this anyway, so what's the big deal, right? Right. You already know everything that I do.

You tell me on a regular basis that I don't know half of what you do, so I don't know what you're smoking.

Well, what we both have said is if we both saw what each other did all day, we wouldn't believe it.

Right.

We can do it, yes, but we really appreciate— yes, that is perfect, Joanne. We can do it, but we appreciate our spouse. I— Corey, Corey thinks that one of the things I said was funny, or Seth. I can do everything, I just don't want to do everything. Okay, so So this is the week your spouse is away. I'm gonna tell you to be extra kind to yourself, okay? So when I saw the laundry piling up, it's okay. When I saw the dishes piling up, is the dishwasher gonna work today? We have a brand new dishwasher. Ah, it is being temperamental.

If you have any, any advice, you gotta call the guy, the people, and they gotta actually fix it. And you can't let them go, well, it's not doing it right now, so we can't help.

And so I'm gonna tell you this because you're all gonna relate to this. Our dishwasher wasn't working for days. The guy shows up to fix the dishwasher and the dishwasher works for him. And I said, I don't know what to tell you, it hasn't worked in days. So he's like, I don't know what to tell you, it's working, so I don't know what to fix. So now it's doing it again.

It worked apparently the entire time I was away.

Yes, the entire time Seth was away. It worked perfectly. Seth came back.

I didn't touch it.

It is being temperamental again.

It's all my fault, but I'm gonna go do dishes and it's gonna work.

Okay, I'm just telling it right now.

Call the guy.

Okay, so the dishes piled up, the laundry piled up, whatever was going on. I was like, you're being gentle and kind to yourself this week. This is like simplify and kindness. Yes. And if the kids are banging on the door and you're trying to take a bath, I want you to tell those kids—

You're trying to take a bath?

No, it was just an example.

Really, really impressed.

Did I go in the hot tub? I went in the hot tub.

Okay, that counts.

I went in the hot tub. Ella and I went in the hot tub. So the guy came to fix the straps on the hot tub so that I could actually take the COVID off without Seth or Max helping me. So Ella and I did go in the hot tub when you were away.

Awesome.

And I'm just telling them that if they're trying to take a bath and their children are pounding on the door, that they need to teach their children that giving their mother a few minutes in the bath is going to make for a happier mother. Yes, absolutely right. So they need to go away and figure it out.

It's the name of your next book, Go Away and Figure It Out.

Oh my God, we need to write that down. You need—

I will write it down.

Oh my gosh. Max will be like, Mom, Mom, Mom! And I'm like, there is no Mom here, and I'm closed, closed. It's 9:00, I'm closed, I'm going to bed.

I love it. I wrote it down.

He wrote it down.

I wrote it down.

My next book title: Go Away and Figure It Out.

And here comes somebody.

Great gray paint wall! Lily is very excited about our paint. She really likes our paint. And if you're tuning in late, the painter came today. We did a light gray in the kitchen, a light gray in the dining room, and a light blue in the playroom. And it flows beautifully and it's peaceful. And I don't see the red and orange that is like vibrating my head. So this is going to—

this I think was awesome.

Well, when we moved in, I was in a red mood and then I thought, well, just keep this mood for at least 11 more years. I was in a red mood. Because I thought that with our gray counters, the red would really sparkle with the white cabinets and the gray counter. And I thought it would look really nice. And I wanted an orange playroom because the kids were little, and I thought it was very vibrant for them. And in my defense, 11 years is a long time. The painter said he changes his paint all the time.

He's a painter and doesn't cost him anything anyways.

Well, he'll come back and change it anytime, he told me.

Of course he will. Who's on your podcast Friday?

Okay, so those are my tips for when your spouse travels, and I want to tell you that you're gonna love Dr. Sandra Dalton-Smith on Friday. She's on the podcast and she talks about the 7 types of rest. So when you know there were more than one kind, right? You're gonna love her. You need to listen to it. Listen, so I thought, you know, when you think of rest, you think of sleep. No, there are 7 different types of rest, and she said we need to be getting all of them.

All right, sign me up.

Okay, so, so she taught me a lot. I had no idea. She said that when you address all 7 areas, you feel so much better.

All right.

I enjoy painting. I help my friend with her house.

Joanne, you're hired for the next one.

My friend was like, you didn't tell me you wanted your house painted. But Eddie just did it in one day. He's coming back to do the stairs tomorrow, but he did 3 rooms in one day. I mean, that's impressive.

Yeah, I remember when we painted, it took a while.

Well, I love that you love to paint, Joanne. I could never do it as well as he did it today. I was watching him, like, I'm looking at even like the white that he fixed up. He's just so fast and good. He's been doing it for like 30 years and he's just amazing. So anyways, listen to the podcast on Friday. That's better than me, but I'm free. Joanne, you're so sweet. She's a free friend helping her friend. So listen to the podcast. Feel free to go read the blog at winingpluza.com. I just did my January New Year challenge in my Winey Pluza Mom group, and Patty Wilson won.

Congratulations, Patty!

And I emailed her her prize. And, um, come find the Winey Pluza Mom group on Facebook. It's a free group, it's supportive, and I love it. And it's a non-judgmental zone to talk about successes and challenges and tips and tricks.

And then you're gonna go to winypalooza.com, you're gonna click on the Linktree, you're gonna get all of Rebecca's amazing resources including her newsletter that is 3 times a week via email and is almost at 10,000 subscribers. So please subscribe for that. And in regards to all of our content, please remember to like, rate, review, comment, share, and subscribe.

I mean, I could never do it that good. That's amazing. Thank you, honey.

You're welcome.

There's the little chorus star. She was a cheerleader at the basketball game and then she went to her chorus concert and I'm so proud of her. She had such a busy night and then we rushed home to do this and now we're gonna go to bed.

So it's time for one of those 7 types of rest.

Yes, so have a wonderful week and we will be back next week.

Happy Whitey Blues Wednesday.

Our son turns 18 next week.

She does.

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