Episode 422: Finding your Calm through the Chaos

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday! I would like to start—

Oh, you're jumping right in!

Was that— how's everyone's week going? How's everybody doing? Is that better?

Go ahead, honey.

I would like to issue a public apology to my wonderful wife and a public retraction. Last week during her live talking about her amazing Disney vacation with Lily she said that I did not want to go to Disney. And the way I reacted to that statement mischaracterized how that process went down and made her look not as fabulous as she really is. So she did ask me if I wanted to go to Disney, and I did say that given that the other two wanted to stay home, it would probably be easier if I stayed home with them. But if she really wanted me to go, then I would go. So I apologize if it did not look like that in any way, shape, or form, or if it got mischaracterized and did not make you look like the angel that you are. I apologize.

A week later. So this is what he does. He does things.

I didn't know it was bad at the time.

Anyways, my friend came up to me. My friend came up to me and she was like, Seth made you look so bad.

Oh, you're gonna tell me who that friend is later. And I'm like, probably not everybody felt that way.

And I'm like, oh, I know.

Okay, you two people.

So we go upstairs after we film. And he goes, I would have gone if you really wanted me to go. And I was like, you didn't explain it that way.

I did not realize I—

Nobody knows what we're talking about. If you missed last week, go watch last week. Go watch it. It was humorous.

Thank you.

Seth made it look like you didn't want me to go. I wanted him to go.

I knew you wanted me to go.

I like how it worked out. I liked having my time with Lily. It was a wonderful trip. And I'm trying to maintain my tan. How am I doing?

You look just as beautiful, even more beautiful than you did a week ago.

So anyways, every day is pretty— I get moments of calm with the kids in school, but I try to do a lot when they're in school. And I think that what I figured out is the other night it was like 10:30 and I was still doing laundry and the laundry machine broke.

Washing machine. Oh, you said the laundry machine. I didn't know there was such a thing.

I'm very tired.

Washing machine.

I've been up since 6 o'clock. So the washing machine broke, it was 10:30 at night, I was trying to do laundry and I just started laughing that I was still working at 10:30 at night having gotten up at 6:00 AM. And it made me think back to starting Winey Palooza and how I started writing to help myself deal with the chaos.

Yes.

And then started getting feedback that I was helping other people with their parents, with their motherhood.

Yes.

And it just brought me back to my roots of where we began this journey, and I wanted to write about Finding the calm. How did I label it? Finding your calm through the chaos.

Yes, which is something that applies outside of parenthood and marriage.

So anyone can use these tips. I will use these tips for the rest of my life, even when my kids don't live with us. And speaking of kids not living with us, yes, would you like to tell them the official news?

Yes, Max is committed to Cornell.

So Max is definitely going to Cornell.

Yes, we're very excited.

And Lily was struggling with something with her Chromebook and was not allowing me to help her, said Ella couldn't help her. So I went upstairs despite her rejection of not wanting me to go upstairs, and I went upstairs and I was like, Max, she's been struggling with this for 45 minutes. Max came down and did it in 2 seconds.

This obviously was while I was not home.

Tear coming down my eye. And then she said, Max, while you're down here, can you help me with 2 more math problems? And he continued to help her with her math. And I said, Max, you can't go. And he said, bye, Mom. We're screwed.

I have not had a chance to catch up with you since I got home late, so I did not hear that story.

We are screwed. And Lily were quite the handful today.

I am sorry, I was wondering why you are extra tired.

My easy, wonderful son, helpful son, is going to Cornell.

Yes.

And won't be here to save the day with their homework, which he does frequently.

Yes.

So in the chaos of my 16.5-hour day the other day I decided to go through some tips for myself, which I figured would help everybody else get through our days without feeling frazzled, without feeling overwhelmed. Motherhood is like this— I explain it to people all the time— is like this wonderful, joyous, most rewarding thing that I could ever do. And that it's like the most exhausting, draining thing that I could ever do.

All in the same day, sometimes in the same 5 minutes.

In the same, I was literally in the car with Lily for 5 minutes and I was like, oh my God, I'm so drained. That's a whole nother conversation. But when it was 10:30 at night and I was on the floor in the laundry room, I was like, it's okay to feel overwhelmed. I was like, give yourself permission just say it. I'm overwhelmed.

Embrace the suck.

I'm tired and I need to put a cap on my day.

Yep.

And I need to go to bed and not do anything else. So it's okay, just label it, name it. That helps take the sting out of it.

Yes, yes.

Okay, so we're going to talk about one of my favorite words. A quick reset. Okay, so I think I reset really frequently throughout the day, and I think it's one of my best tools. And a reset can look in so many different ways. And Christina Fletcher is an awesome spiritual alignment coach that Seth and I have worked with. If you want her name, we will give it to you. She helped both of us tremendously. Yes, I will definitely meet with her again. She's just phenomenal. And she was telling me when we we were texting one day, she was like, just think about your feet on the ground. Just like ground yourself by just thinking about your feet on the ground. And even just that thought can just like totally reset us. And like, I'll just walk away, and I'm not being a bitch, and I'm not being mean to my family. Sometimes I just disappear, need some space. They don't know where I've gone. They're not always looking for me. I've just disappeared to give myself like the reset button. Like, I'm like, okay, I need to pause. Yep, I'm overwhelmed, I'm overstimulated, and I need to reset.

Mommy timeout.

Mommy timeout. Oh, which, okay, makes me think of this. Have you noticed that people take smoke breaks?

Yes.

Have you seen people at work go outside to take a smoke break, or you'll see them outside of their house taking a smoke break? I need a smoke break. And I don't smoke.

Thank you.

I do not smoke, relax. But I think we could call it— I think we can relate to the smoke break. And I think we could call it like a me break.

You go outside and breathe for 10 minutes.

Or just a reset break or a timeout break. But we need a lot of those throughout the day. And I just said to Ella, it's time for a break. And she goes, I just took a 20-minute break. So she's learning.

Awesome.

So Ella is constantly working, constantly studying, constantly doing homework, and I'm trying to teach her that she's going to do a better job if she takes breaks throughout her day instead of just like plowing through.

Yep, you got to refresh.

Okay, talk to your kids about your feelings, and not just your kids, your spouse too. But let your kids know how you're feeling. Now, if you have babies, if you have tiny ones, they don't understand. You just have to give yourself the break. I have kids who understand. My kids, as of today, they're 18, 16, and 12, and I can say to them, I'm overwhelmed, I need a minute.

Yep.

I can say, you know what I said the other night, I'm off duty, like I'm fried. Yeah, don't ask me for anything else. And that might sound mean to people, but I can't tell you how many moms I've heard say that. Like, by 9 o'clock at night, nobody wants to do anything for their kids. And I just feel like our kids feel more important, confident, and helpful when, when I say to my kids, I cannot— give me an example— I just cannot—

yeah, somebody was— someone who came in and asked you for what it was, signing a form, and all 3 kids were asking you for something at the same time, and it was late at night, and you were like We're gonna do this all tomorrow. I'm toast.

Or yeah, or just ask—

Hey, it's 10:30, I've decided I'm hungry.

Yeah, or just ask them to do it. Like, I know that you can make yourself lunch and I'm really tired, so go make it yourself. It gives them skills and makes them feel helpful and confident to actually complete things.

Yes.

So tell your kids how you're feeling. Don't keep it inside. Don't keep it a secret. We need to tell our families where we're at. They can't read our minds. I can't read your mind.

No, you cannot.

Most of the time I can— you— we can usually read each other when each other needs a break.

That is more obvious. Yeah.

No, go!

The dog is trying to get into the video shoot.

The dog hears me talking, he's trying to get to me, and I've had the dog all day.

I am petting it.

It is Seth's turn.

I am petting the dog.

Okay, one of the ways to feel less overwhelmed is to create tiny moments— stop— is to create tiny moments of connection throughout the day. And I find, as I was writing this, I realized that it grounds me. I think grounding— I think that I get up here to this overwhelmed, overstimulated space And I think if I can come down to earth, if I can ground myself, then I feel so much less overwhelmed.

That's really interesting. So when you say moment of connection, what does that mean?

So if you see me, I will reach to hold your hand.

Yes.

And to me, I'm connecting with you, and it also grounds me.

Okay, so that's not just when there's a scary moment in the show?

No, I reach for your hand all the time.

No, I know, I was just trying to make a joke. Yes, I appreciate that. Is a good example.

But I will reach for one of the kids' hands. I will hold our kids' hands. I will give them a hug. I will make them laugh. Oh my God, the best, the best is when Lily and I are overwhelmed and we both just start laughing.

Yes, the giggling is amazing.

Like, the laughing just like totally resets us and totally brings us down from the emotional high that's going on.

Yeah, and that could be a negative high. That could be that you're tense or upset and the laughter totally resets you.

It totally resets me.

It's a good medicine.

Really is an interrupt.

Pattern interrupt.

Pattern interrupt. We will be really mad at each other and we'll give each other these looks and we'll start laughing, right?

Yes.

And you're really good at that. I needed to do it today. I'm that— you know what, that— let's pause right there and let me tell you, I am not like this 100% effective mother. Like, I was fried today. I said to Lily, I said, my patience is zero for you today. I was at a zero. Like, I didn't have the patience. I have the patience of a saint.

Yes, you do.

Today I had no patience for crap. I'm like, you're not gonna give me a hard time. I'm like, I just drove you to tumbling. I just— I like listed all— I like, I'm like, I did all this stuff. I'm exhausted and my patience for you is at an all-time low. Because when I do so much, I expect appreciation. And I say that to her. I explain that to her because she doesn't know how I'm feeling. And I'm feeling like I did all of this I need some appreciation and love, and you being bitchy is not making me feel the love.

Yes, acts of service are your love language.

It's not even that it's my love language, it's that I'm tired from the acts of service.

Yes, thank you for finishing the rest of my sentence.

I'm tired from— and I don't have a choice, I have to drive her. Like, you weren't available.

Correct.

Thank you, Facebook. And her friend's parents weren't available today.

Yes, so we had some logistical issues today. I apologize for that.

Yes, it's okay. Part of it is that the guy to repair our washing machine didn't show up.

Nope.

So I'm a little mentally fried from that.

Yes, totally understandable given that they were supposed to come today and we kept calling to find out and they never called us back.

I was— I ran to the store and I was on the Ring doorbell checking like making sure.

Oh my God, every time it went off when you came in or out, I was like, oh, the guy's here, he's finally fixing it. And then I would pull it up, I'm like, nope, it was Rebecca. Darn it.

So I was checking the Ring doorbell to make sure, like, before I go into the store to get pet food, I gotta make sure that he's not there, because if he's there, I'm gonna leave the store and I'm not gonna go inside. And I just kept checking all day and trying to stay home.

I'm so sorry that didn't work out.

So I don't know, are they gonna show up tomorrow when I'm recording? Oh boy, is that when they're gonna show up?

I'm gonna go look and see if there's an update.

Okay, so what was my last thing? Oh, my last thing. Okay, so one of the things I have noticed about myself and moms, and I think I've gotten better at this— Seth will have to tell me what he thinks.

Of course you have, whatever it is.

I— do you just want to make me happy right now?

I do.

You're doing better than you think.

And okay, I'll listen to that.

And the reason that I say that is because I talk to moms every day And I was just talking to a therapist about this. We were like totally agreeing on this. So you'll talk to a mom and the mom won't tell you all the wins in her day. She's gonna tell you— let's say that the mom had 10 wins in her day, and we're defining wins differently, so I'd have to point out to her what I think a win is and explain that to her and teach that to her. Because what the mom is going to tell me is she's going to tell me that maybe the one thing that didn't go the way that she wanted, or the one— maybe the one time that she yelled that day, or maybe the one thing that she didn't get to, or the 5 things that she didn't get to. So she's feeling overwhelmed that she didn't complete everything that she wanted to complete. And we don't— and we set ourselves up to feel that way by not looking at everything that we did do. And an accomplishment is just getting through the day with our kids. There doesn't have to be like all this extra stuff, right? Did you get through the day?

Is everybody still alive?

I'll never forget my friend telling me that her goal as we enter the college stage, her goal was to get her boys through college alive.

Okay, I think that's a hopefully a low barrier to entry. I think we could pretty— I would hope we could guarantee we could pull that off.

It was a little scary when she said that because I didn't— I don't like to think of the other option, right?

Yes, true.

So we're gonna hope for a lot more than that. So those are just a few of my tips to be less overwhelmed. I will tell you a couple more things that I thought about while I was talking to you. The other thing that I thought that makes me feel less overwhelmed is plans. And I'm going to tell you the different levels of plans. When I know that I have something to look forward to, a brunch— like, I have a brunch, right?

Yeah.

Or even if Seth and I have a date planned, it could be a Seth date, it could be a family date, it could be a friend date. If I have something planned that I have to look forward to, then I feel a lot less overwhelmed. It just is something exciting to look forward to. On another level is if I have a trip planned. Yes, then I'm even very excited. Then I have so many good feelings.

Coping strategy. We should just plan you a trip every few months so that you're always looking forward to something.

I'm just saying that having excitement, and I think that let's take that even further, is just building excitement into my days. What am I excited for next? I'm excited to go take a walk outside. I'm excited to do this podcast. I'm excited to get to write this. What am I excited for all through my day? And the excitement gets rid of the overwhelm.

Amen.

For me.

Yeah.

Anything else? Oh, the focus on one thing. We didn't talk about that. I missed that one. So I think that mothers are really good at Multitasking. And I think that multitasking makes us very overwhelmed. And what I learned from Seth and what I learned from myself through proof of action is that when I have 3 or 4 things going at the same time, I'm just like, whoo! If I focus— like when I was writing this and I was actually writing this part of it I was laughing because I put the list aside.

Yes.

And said, you have to focus, you have to sit here, you have to write because this is due today. So I put everything else aside and I said, you're gonna sit down, you're gonna focus, you're gonna just do one thing.

And you're probably very productive.

And I was productive and I wasn't overwhelmed because I was focused.

There you go.

And I think that we lose our focus because we're doing too many things at one time and it's making our brain going too many directions.

That is so true, because when I get overwhelmed at work, it's like I've got working on 3 projects at the same time and I have to go, no, stop, just build this one thing and then get to the other 2. Trying to do them all at once gets me to feel like, oh, I can't do it all.

You can't do 3 things at once. Now I'm gonna—

I can, I just can't do them all. I do them each less well because I'm diverting my attention.

And it's not good for your mental space.

It is not good for your mental health. I agree 100%.

And as mothers, I will tell you, we have children to take care of. So there are plenty of times that I'm work— I'm taking care of the kids and doing something else. So we can't always focus on one thing because the— if the kids are home, that's a whole nother different thing.

Yep.

But I think it's a lot to expect you to take care of the kids and work all day.

Yes.

If you're doing that, I don't know how you're doing that. I do pull it off every summer.

You do.

And every summer I surprise myself that I think I ignore the kids somewhat, somewhat when I have to work.

Yes.

I think I'm interrupted a lot.

You are.

I think I'm less productive.

You are. I've seen all of this.

Oh boy, summer's gonna be a lot shorter this year. Yes, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be great. So those were some pointers to help us feel less overwhelmed in our day. If you have more pointers, let us know. I will tell you that exercise and getting outside and taking a walk, it's the best coping strategy I have.

Awesome. Yeah, good one.

You have anything to add?

I went for a walk at work yesterday.

You did? I did.

I had 10 minutes and I'm like, I'm going outside, I'm getting some sun and some vitamin D. I'll set a timer for 10 minutes, 5 minutes down the block, 5 minutes back, and I'm getting outside. And I felt much better.

And I want to remind you, and I learned that from you, and I want to remind you of something. Okay, back in the day You were much better. This isn't criticism, it's just a reminder.

Okay.

You would go outside and take a phone call.

I forgot about that. You are right.

So a reminder, a lot of it is everything is on Zoom.

I need to switch to doing some good old-fashioned phone calls because I could go walk and do that. Because when someone's on a walk on Zoom, like that happened to me the other day, and I'm like, seriously, you can't sit down? And you— I'm like, I can't show you my screen? Like, you're bopping around. I'm like, on Zoom, that does not work. Audio would work well.

And I was gonna just tell you that you could do Zoom on your walk.

I could, but it's— I would think that it would not be as productive for me a lot of times because I am showing them something as opposed to holding the phone like this and walking. I would not feel like— when people have done that on calls with me, I'm like, you're not taking this very seriously. But that's my personal opinion. I totally disagree, and you are welcome to it.

And just a reminder to just— it's going to be nice out and to just get outside with what you can. More outside, all of us. I was really good last summer at taking my laptop into the backyard.

Yes.

So I haven't done that yet, but I will. Oh, I didn't look at the podcast this Friday. Are you gonna look for me? I will look and see how fast I'm gonna tell everybody that tomorrow is May 1st, which is crazy, and we're gonna start the Mother's Day May Challenge at the Whiny Puss in Mom group on Facebook. So come find me, it's a free supportive community. Come join us for free and have fun, and I'll give away Mother's Day prizes.

And is that Kahila Robinson or— and Sarah Gerstensang?

Oh, and yes, that's a great topic. What did I decide to call that?

Self-regulation.

Self-regulation for children. That was a really good one. Those two ladies were lovely, very smart women. Yes, you will like that podcast. It's coming this Friday, and I'm going to ask you to go to my podcast and subscribe and write a comment for me.

A review.

A review, yes.

If we could get a 5-star review, that would be even better.

So Aaron says, my birthday month and apraxia. I never say that right, Aaron. That's awesome. It's a good month. May is a good month. May what, Aaron? What day is your birthday? I like May. It just tells us that nice weather is coming and school will be ending in June. And share this with a mom who you think could use some tips to be less overwhelmed. And what else do you want to say? Say it slower.

Go to whynibalooza.com, find the Linktree with all of Rebecca's free resources, and especially sign up for the free multiple times a week email newsletter with lots of parenting and marriage tips. And with all of her content, please comment, rate, review, share, and subscribe.

So what I realized the other day is that when you do it so automatic, I don't know if it's just becoming like they're not like listen, it's yes so fast that they don't process.

And yeah, your wonderful people don't go actually like rate, review, comment, share, and subscribe.

Oh my God, I could never—

that perhaps they'll do now that they—

like, comment, rate, review, share, and subscribe. So share, subscribe. How do you do that? How do you do that?

Maybe if you keep saying it over and over again, it'll sink in.

Oh my God.

Thank you for watching Wine and Palooza Wednesday, and I love your mama bear, Cornell Sher.

You can't see You can't see my mom. It's a Mama Bear Cornell shirt that I'm wearing. You can't see it. Yes. So have a wonderful week and we will see you next week. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.