Episode 444: My Mother’s Day Prescriptions for Moms

Happy Winey Blues Wednesday!

Hello everyone!

Why? Why do you gotta make fun of me every week?

I don't do it every week, I do it when you forget to say it.

So, so, um, my friend reminded me that we can go right to the Pet Supplies Plus and we can bathe him and not have to make our shower all messy.

Oh, not that he would get in the shower.

Did you know that?

Yes, I have told you before that you should let me go take him there and bathe him and and you said no.

Okay, so we're gonna do it.

Awesome, I love it. And we're live where we're supposed to be. Awesome, let's do it.

So I had a bunch of topics that I wanted to write about, but it's gonna be Mother's Day, so I have to write about Mother's Day.

Gotcha.

So happy almost Mother's Day to all of you wonderful moms out there, including you.

Happy Mother's Day.

Thanks for making me a mom.

My pleasure.

So I've had many, many years of talking to lots and lots of moms, including yourself, including myself. So I know how moms feel about Mother's Day. And I don't know if you know this, but mothers don't love Father's Day because they feel like they do everything every day. So what's another day? And why— I have had mothers say, why is there even a Father's Day. No, they get Father's Day every day. I have—

that is not true. Well, they're not in this house. I don't do nothing every day.

Oh no, we both do a lot. I—

you do a lot more than me. But why should you?

Just worked from like 7 to 7.

Yeah, but that doesn't count.

It totally counts.

Okay then, that's why there's Father's Day.

Okay, let's talk.

We're here to talk about Mother's Day.

Let's talk about Mother's Day. So I have prescriptions for moms to help you have a better Mother's Day.

These are hard-won lessons. Hmm, these are hard-won lessons. Some of them we had some, oh, sweat and tears over the years.

Okay, I've come a long way. You have. Now I don't even think I care.

No, now you tell me what you want. Well, well, that's part of it.

Hang on.

Okay, let's not do any spoilers. I'm sorry.

We're going to go through. So some of this we have learned from me.

Yes.

Some of this we have learned from others.

Yes.

Okay.

Yes.

So I'm going to start with saying that if you like your coffee hot, I want you to take a moment for yourself on Mother's Day. I want you to have some hot coffee. And it's a joke with moms.

Oh, okay. Because by the time they get to their own coffee, it's cold or something.

We put it in the microwave to heat it up.

I do see you do that. I wondered about that.

And we joke about how many times we put coffee in the microwave to heat it up.

You know, they have those little things that you can set it on that keep it warm, hot all day.

Well, I'm gonna tell you a little bit about your wife if you didn't know this.

You're running around and you don't have time to let the thing sit on the—

I can't even tell you the last time I've had hot coffee. I've been drinking cold coffee. Do you know that?

Yes, because when I picked up Starbucks the last couple of times, you ordered an iced drink.

I haven't had hot coffee, but those were days that it was nice out. I have— I can't tell you the last time I've had hot coffee.

Okay, so not because your kids ruined it, right?

But because I'm gonna tell you, I want you to take a moment for yourself.

Hot coffee.

And it doesn't have to be hot coffee. It could be a walk around the block. It could be, um, a few pages in your book. It could be some deep breaths in your bedroom by yourself on your bed. I just want you to take a few moments just to yourself and just have that for you. So we're going to start with that prescription, and we are going to move to this one. I have learned we're going to lower our expectations. Okay, I'm going to paint a picture for you. I—

this may or may not have happened—

tend to want to go to Glen Falls for a picture with my kids. Yes. I love Glen Falls. I love walking around. If you ask me what I want to do, I want to go take a walk somewhere with my family. That's what I always want to do.

In addition to some other things.

So we tend to go to Glen Falls every year. We tend to try to get a picture. It has rained.

Yeah.

I have been upset many years because it's rained.

And I get blamed for that.

And you do not. He's being silly.

Why is it raining?

And I'm like, I made it rain to ruin your mother's He is never blamed for the rain, but he thinks he's funny.

Yes, I do.

So every, every year it tends to rain. Every year I tend to get upset. Every year I have this picture of how I expect my children to behave on Mother's Day, and every day I'm like, but it's Mother's Day and you're supposed to be acting good.

Nice to you, nice to each other.

Here's what I'm going to tell you, it's Set yourself up for success. I'm lowering my expectations. Yes. Do I think Lily's gonna be a peach all day?

Nope.

Do I think they're gonna get along all day?

No. Do I think Max is gonna take a day off at the gym?

Do you think I'm gonna get a— listen, I'm not expecting anything from my children. The only thing that I'm asking of them, asking one thing.

What is the one thing?

Dinner. Okay, dinner. Because I said to Max, I even talked— this is how far I have come, people— I have even talked to Max about dinner. And I said, you have an AP exam the next morning, do you have time for a dinner? Do we need to do the dinner here because you're going to be studying?

Wow.

I even put his exam before Mother's Day.

That is progress.

Well, I've come a long way.

I'm trying to give you props, woman.

My, my whole vision and expectation of Mother's Day has changed from a day of plans.

Oh yes, you had everything. You used to want every minute planned, and they were spending it all with us with a strict agenda.

Okay, so we've come to the next tip: pick one thing. Pick one thing that's going to make you happy. Go on an adventure, go for brunch, go for dinner, make dinner together. Pick one thing. That is so much more realistic than me planning a whole day of Mother's Day.

I am happy to do everything on your Mother's Day agenda. We just— they just might not be along for the ride.

Well, so can we make our kids— you know, there's forced family fun that I have recommended to all of you. Yes, I am totally willing to do forced family fun with the caveat that It is— Mother's Day is not only in rainy May. Yeah, it is also smack in the middle of AP exams.

Yep.

So that doesn't work. They have to study. They have other stuff to do. It is not all about me.

Should be though. It's all about you to me. I'll go wait in the line at Paula's. I'll go on the nature walk. I'll go do the brunch and the dinner, whatever it is that my honey wants.

So I have learned— so, you know, I hope that your mother forgives me, but what I used to do, and what I'm not up for this year, is I used to do brunch with his mom. And my mom likes to go out for brunch, so his mom likes to do brunch and my mom likes to do dinner. So I used to do brunch with Seth's mom, dinner with my mom, and I really don't want a day of food and plants. It was just too much for me. Yeah, I felt like it was too much food. I felt like it was too many plants.

I was still hungry. I was still full from brunch by the time we dinner.

I just—

your mother, one wants an early dinner, one wants a late brunch.

So my mom wants an early dinner, what Seth just said, and his mom wants a late brunch. So it was like too close together. It was just too much.

Get done eating, you go eat.

It was just too much food.

Yes.

So hopefully his mother understands that I really just want to do all dinner together.

Yes.

And pick one thing. That's my one thing.

We're doing dinner. I can manage that. And I might throw some other things in there for you.

I was very clear. Oh, I'm not gonna tell you I'm not gonna make him— oh, I forgot about your finger. I'm sorry.

It's all right. Hold this hand.

I might make him go to Paula's and wait in the long line.

I figured I was going to Paula's.

So that is an awesome donut place here, if you don't know. Okay, so the next prescription is to tell them what you want. So I think progress—

so, so I think that you've been pretty good about this for a number of years, but there were years in the beginning where you expected me to be a mind reader.

Well, so no, so this is, this is what moms want. I'm speaking for moms.

Okay, got it.

So I've talked to a lot of moms. They want their family— now I've learned, so this is not me speaking they want their family to plan something.

Yep.

And they want their family to know what they want to do. So, so for example, I'm going to give you an example. This is not what I expect, Seth. I'm just using this as an example.

Disclaimer noted.

Seth knows that I love to go for nature walks with the family. So what a mom wants from their family is like— this would be a mom's dream, and I'm not speaking for everybody, but for most moms, it would be a dream for a mom for the family to take over because, because moms have decision fatigue all day, every day.

Wouldn't it be nice if we made all the decisions, planned the whole beautiful day, did the whole thing, took care of you?

Yes. So you get in the car.

Yeah.

And, and Seth says Honey, I got the whole day planned and the kids are along for the ride.

Yeah.

And he takes me to Paula's. Yeah. And we all get donuts together.

I wouldn't take you with, then you'd have to wait in line. Anyway, I'll shut up. Keep going.

Just let me plan the day.

All right, go with your fantasy.

Okay. And then he says, now we're gonna go to, to Walton Woods and we're gonna take a walk together with the dog. We brought the dog and we brought the dog and now we're gonna go home and we're gonna rest because I have dinner planned for you. And then him and the kids either have reservations or have cooked the whole thing and planned the whole thing. Like, that's what mothers want. They want to not have to make any decisions. Yes, not plan dinner, not plan an activity. So mothers want their family to know how to make them happy without the mom telling them. But what I have learned is that as nice as that may sound, what is a win-win is if we— first of all, we take time to know what we want, because a lot of times I don't even know what I want to do.

You just know that whatever I picked wasn't it.

So if we take some time to think about what we want to do and then we tell them what we want to do, then they're happy because they know how to make us happy.

Yes.

And then we're happy because we get what we want.

It's a match made in heaven, right? So tell me what you want and I'll do it.

So like, I could have said— and I'm gonna give you a disclaimer with this— I could have said to Seth, I just want a night off of planning dinner. Like, I don't care what you do, just take care of it and give me the night off. And then whatever Seth did, I needed to set myself up to be happy with it.

Yes.

Okay, so So I love seafood, okay? So I tend to want like lobster, shrimp, like give me some seafood. I just tell people that, like, I want to go out for lobster, and then we do it, and then I'm happy. So I'm specific, I tell them, I get what I want, and I'm happy.

Yes. Melissa says we'd also like at least 2 Mother's Days a year, spring and summer at minimum. Melissa, you should— might should be Mother's Day like every day.

So Melissa and I were chatting on Facebook that I'm bitter that Mother's Day's in May. You know that. Yes, we have this conversation for 18 years. It rains almost every Mother's Day. May is not very nice in Buffalo, New York, where we live. I think Mother's Day should be in July. Yeah, you've got Father's Day in June. Have Mother's Day in July.

Yeah, it'd be warm, it wouldn't be rainy. I would love to be off of school.

Yeah, yeah, I would love to move it. So I agree. So she says do both. It's what Melissa says.

Good job.

Okay, so we picked one thing, we figured out what we wanted, and we told them.

Yes.

Okay, the other thing that mothers tell me, and I'm gonna say, people treat us how we allow them to treat us. So mothers will say to me, what's the point of telling them? I'm not going to get what I want. That's foreign to you.

Yeah, you tell me what you want, I do it, right?

But every man is not you.

Okay, why, why would you tell— why wouldn't I do what you tell— what you asked for? That doesn't make sense to me.

Okay, so I'm gonna explain something to you that you don't know. Yes, I tell you what I want, you make it happen, and you make the kids do it. Yeah, not every husband is like that.

Oh well, why not? I don't get it. Does not compute.

Well, they—

woman tells you do what she does.

They were raised differently. They have different values, different beliefs.

Number one value: make Rebecca happy.

Oh my God, that's so sweet. So I appreciate that you care what I want and you make it happen.

What's the point otherwise?

Um, but I'm gonna tell them that people treat us how we allow them to treat us.

So yeah, if you let him get away with not having—

like, you need to mandate that we celebrate Mother's Day how mom wants to celebrate Mother's Day.

That is kind of the damn point. It's in the name of the day, right?

But people weren't raised— everybody wasn't raised doing things for holidays. Not everybody celebrated birthdays big. Not everybody celebrated Mother's Day big. Like, every family is different.

That is true. You would—

so are you gonna read it?

Melissa says, one leading factor of me peace in single life. Great job setting that bar, Seth, and being an example for the kids too.

Oh, that's so sweet, Melissa.

Thank you.

So I thought about single moms when I was writing this. Um, there is a blog at brandipalooza.com. So when I was writing my prescriptions, I was thinking about all of the feelings that come with Mother's Day. And you've got the single moms who just want some peace and just want some peace and quiet. You know, like I had said that you need to say to your husband, like, give me a moment. But if you're— there's no husband or wife to tag in, to tag in.

Oh, look at all the faces you're getting, all the emojis you're getting there from.

So Thankfully, Melissa's son is old enough to know that mom needs some peace, mom needs a moment. Hopefully he is well trained for Mother's Day and your birthday. I hope you're training him well. I have a feeling Melissa—

I'm sure she is.

Is training him well. So I hope that you do get some peace on Mother's Day, and I hope that you get some relaxation, get to read a book, get to put your feet up, Does your hus— does your husband— does your son cook? Can he cook you some dinner?

Ramen.

Okay, so no joke, if you were out of town or whatever and Max and the kids wanted to make me some grilled cheese for dinner, that would be so cute that they just tried to do it.

It's something. Yes, I mean, they count. It doesn't have to be a 5-star meal.

I'm sure that Max and Ella and Lily could cook a wonderful meal.

Yeah, Ella makes a good stir-fry. Max makes that dish he made that— I don't know what it's called, the Spanish, I think.

Max could follow any direction. Max made me an orange chocolate cake. Okay, do you remember that?

That was pretty impressive.

He could do that again for my birthday.

You should tell him.

I better put in that request now. Yes, I think that was my birthday present that year, was that he baked for me. Okay, so anyways, when I was writing my blog, I was thinking about all of the feelings that come with Mother's Day because You know, my mom lost her mom many— when I met Seth. Yes, Seth didn't get to meet my grandma.

I did not.

And that made me so sad because we were shy. Like, I had literally gone on a date with you and I wanted— right, I wanted to introduce you and I was like, oh, my grandma died. Um, Isaac makes a good risotto and yes, Max should make you a cake. So Max is— I'm definitely going to put in my request for a Max cake for my birthday. And I love that Isaac can cook. It sounds like he needs to make you some dinner or take you out for dinner. What are your Mother's Day plans, Melissa? What do you want to do? I would love to hear. So I have found that mothers have mixed emotions. And, you know, like, other people who are not mothers have also lost their mother, and it's a hard day for some people. Sure. So what I love that my mother does every year, and I'm gonna tear up because it's an emotional subject, but she goes to the cemetery every Mother's Day and she plants flowers for my grandma and she visits and she makes my grandma and grandpa's graves look all nice. And then she goes over to my dad's parents and they're all at the same cemetery and she makes their gravestones look all pretty with flowers. And that's her tradition every Mother's Day and Father's Day. That's beautiful. So I love that she has found a way to celebrate them and honor them and just do something to think about them because it's hard for people. I think we should do something. We don't have to go to the cemetery, but we should do something to celebrate our loved ones. And if you've lost a child, my heart goes out to you, and celebrate your child somehow. Yes, just find a way to honor them. I love that my friend Kristen she will go eat her mom's favorite foods. She'll be like, I'm at Ted's, I'm thinking of my mom. And I just love that she does that. So whether you have lost your mom or a child or anyone, know that they, they love you and they want you to still celebrate yourself. I can guarantee you that.

Yep.

And if you are trying to be a mom and Mother's Day is hard for you because of that, then I still want you to celebrate yourself and honor yourself and the journey. And the journey. And, and I hope that Mother's Day brings you good vibes, and we're sending our prayers, and we hope that your wishes come true and that you get to have the child that you want.

Amen.

So we know that Mother's Day is not the easiest day for everybody. So I'm almost done, Seth. I'm sorry, I didn't say anything. I'm watching the clock. I know. No, I said I am. You're not watching the clock, right?

But you're saying like you got a bad knee and a bad finger.

I'm trying to be careful of my—

sorry about that.

Oh my God, I gotta put them back together. Okay, so Mother's Day is a day— I want to say this for every day, but I want to start with Mother's Day. No guilt, no shoulds on Mother's Day. I should be doing the laundry. I should be spending time with my kids. I should, I should, I should, I should be working out. I should be running. None of that stuff. We're gonna take a timeout from any guilt or shoulds on Mother's Day. I love that. I want you to think of me. You're not allowed. Every time you think it, nope, not allowed. That's what you're gonna say. Not today. And then practice that every day because I don't want you to do that ever. And you're going to tell me, like I said, I've heard it all. You're going to tell me that if you do none of the shoulds, like the chores, that you're just going to have extra work the next day. And I'm going to answer you and say, I'm not saying that you can't do any chores. I'm saying that there's no shoulds or guilt. So like, for me, I want to do laundry because my washing machine is broken. We have parts ordered, but it's going to be 10 to 12 days. So I'm going to be at my mom's house for my parents' house for Mother's Day. I'm going to use their washing machine. I want to do laundry. It's not a should, it's not guilt, it's something I want to do. So it doesn't have to be choreless, it just needs to be a better mindset.

I like that. I like the mindset.

Yes, and, and there's plenty of people who do a bunch of stuff the day before Mother's Day so that they can take Mother's Day off, right? It's a lot of work taking a day off. You gotta get ready, you gotta plan for it. Okay, I want us to remember what Mother's Day is really about, and I love when the mothers say, I just want to be with my family. Like, really, that's all it's about. We just want to spend time with our family. And for me You could help me with this because some of you are way ahead of me. I don't know what next year is going to look like, you know. Like, I know my neighbor is coming home from college, I think Friday before Mother's Day, like permanently for the summer. So he'll be home for Mother's Day. I don't know if Max is going to be home from— I don't know Cornell schedule. I guess I could find out, but I don't know what Mother's Day is going to look like next year. Am I going to be going to Cornell because I want to give Max a hug? Like, what is it going to look like, right? So I'm gonna treasure this year. I'm gonna treasure what matters most to me, and I just want to be with my family, right?

Right.

Okay, last but not least, I want you to find reasons to be happy with yourself. Mother's Day is not a day to sit there and think about all the things you're doing wrong as a mom. That is not allowed. I am telling you right now, I am not allowing it. Mother's Day is a day to appreciate yourself. What— who are you and what do you do? Think about things that are going to make you happy as a mom. And if your kids are acting out, who cares? Your child's behavior does not define you as a mother. Should we say that again?

Yes, that's really good.

Should we say that again? Your child's behavior does not define you as a mother. What defines you as a mother is who you show up as, as a parent every day. And are you showing up? Are you trying? Are you giving it your best? You don't have to give it your best every day. We get tired, and that's okay. But I, I hate that people are like, well, my kid isn't getting straight A's. Or my kid, um, decided not to go to college, or think of other things. My kid got suspended because he was fighting. Whatever it is, that doesn't mean that you're a bad mom. Every kid— no kid is perfect, first of all. And you supporting your kid and guiding them to be their best version of themselves is what it's all about. You are trying, you are showing up. And Melissa likes that. She gave me a fire sign. So I'm okay with you making— do you like that I'm giving them permission to do and not do things? This is the Rebecca prescriptions.

Love it.

You can make a goal as a mom for the next year. You can do that as long as you're not criticizing yourself in the process.

There you go.

So like, I have thought about the fact that I am going on a new journey. I am going to learn to be a good mom from my house when my son is at his dorm.

Yep.

So how am I gonna do that? What is it gonna look like? What are my goals for that? I have started thinking about that. So those are my prescriptions, and I'm missing a page. I don't know where it went. Anyways, That's what I've got. So I want you to appreciate— oh, I know what I wanted to say. So it's wonderful if your family showers you in love and appreciation and gifts and kisses and hugs. It's wonderful. However, I want us to give it to ourselves. I want us to love ourselves and appreciate ourselves and honor ourselves on Mother's Day. And I hope, I so hope, that something that I said makes your Mother's Day better. I hope all of the moms out there have a fabulous Mother's Day. And is there anything you want to add to the conversation that I didn't say?

Tell your husband, if you've got one, that— or spouse— to do what you said you wanted and make you happy.

It's not very simple advice, you know. It's really a pre— like You think it's just a given. Yeah, but it's very appreciated by me that if I tell you that I would like to do something, that you want to make it happen no matter what day it is. Yes, right? I want to go to Disney World. Made it happen.

Yes.

So I appreciate you.

I appreciate you. And every day, and especially on Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day, Melissa.

Do you have a podcast? Yeah, guest coming up you'd like to talk about.

Friday is Rebecca Wolfe, another Rebecca, and she talks about a punishment-free childhood.

Wow.

So listen, I think that is very cool. I, I don't remember punishments, but we'll talk— I'll talk to you about that after this.

Okay.

And what else do we want to— oh, I just did the Mother's Day challenge in my Whiny Plus a Mom group. On Facebook. It's a free supportive community, so come find me. And, um, I love our group and I need to pick a winner. We just did a 5-day Mother's Day challenge.

And if you would go to whineypalooza.com, find the Linktree with all of Rebecca's amazing resources, sign up for the Whiney Palooza email newsletter, and with all of her content, please like please comment, please share, please rate, please review, please subscribe so that more and more and more fabulous mothers can benefit.

So sweet. So I hope that you will share this episode with a mom.

Tag another mom.

And, um, we will see you next week.