Episode 448: Taming School Stress

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

It's your fake winter tan, except it's May.

Oh, we're talking about— so before we went cold burn, before we went live, I was noticing how sunburned I am. It is cold this week in Buffalo, New York. We have been at two flag football games this week and they were very cold and I was freezing and I was covered in a blanket, but I still got sunburned. Isn't that funny?

Sunny and cold.

Sunny and cold. So do you see, like, I feel a little sunburned.

You look even more beautiful.

You look a little sunburned too.

I was at the games.

So what I do every week is I come up with a new topic to talk about. I'm a social worker and I like to talk about parenting, marriage, what's going on in our lives. We have 3 kids.

And what's going on in your life? Because you suggest topics.

And my friends and people in my life come up to me and bring up topics and say, hey, can you cover this topic? And my kids ask, my husband comes up with good stuff, I come up with stuff. So I tend to just kind of like observe my surroundings, what is going on in my life, because if this is going on in my life, then it's going on in other people's lives.

Yes.

So I've been observing— well, no, this stemmed from a conversation. We're going to talk about taming school stress. So our son is currently taking 5 AP classes. Which I told him not to do.

I think he finished them all, took the exams, right?

He did this last year too. So junior year he took 5 AP classes. I told him he was crazy.

Yep.

Hi Randy! And then senior year he said, I'm doing it again, instead of slowing down, slowing down a little bit, he decided to take 5 AP classes again. So now my daughter, who is taking 2 AP classes as a sophomore, comes to us and says I want to take 4. I told her she was nuts. Now, a couple days ago, she comes to us and says, hey, I want to add a 5th AP class. So our response to Ella was, if you can do that and not be so stressed in the process, then we'll have a conversation. And she said, how do I do that?

Help me manage my stress.

So Seth and I started giving her pointers, and I was like, hey, if Ella's feeling this way, there's a lot of other kids feeling this way and a lot of other parents feeling how I feel. So let's cover this topic.

Yes.

And I realize that as I talk about school stress, a lot of you watching this, your kids might be done with school.

So it applies to real stress, life stress too, not just school stress. When I was reading it, I was like, oh, this applies to work.

Okay, well, I love when you tell me that. If your kids are done with school, you're going to apply it to life in general, or you're going to apply it to the next school year. We are still in the heat of the end of school. We have a month left of school. Yes, believe it or not, we still have— we have a month left of school. So we're going to talk about pointers to reduce school stress, and we want to hear from you. So if you have other pointers or you have comments about what we're talking about, please chime in and let us know. Yes, so I want to start with the most important thing, self-talk. And I hear my daughters talk out loud a lot like I do to themselves, and it's very helpful because then I can pick up on what they're telling themselves. And they're telling themselves things like, oh my God, this sucks, oh my God, this is so hard, I can't do— I can't figure this out, I have to do more homework. And all of the stuff that they're telling themselves is making the process even harder. So if I can help them rewire their thoughts and think differently, then the experience of homework and studying and being in school all day is gonna look completely different. So what are some things that we want them to say?

I can do this. I get to do this.

I can do hard things.

I can learn anything.

I can figure this out.

I'm super smart.

I'm trying to remember what else I said. Um, you know, asking even— I can ask for help if I need it. I'm resourceful. Just like, what are they telling themselves all day? That is the— I think that is like the key to success in life. I really do. I don't know if you agree with me, but I feel so differently depending on what I'm telling myself. Um, breaks. Every time I walk in the door, Ella is studying and she looks exhausted, and I say, break time. I think that's one of the most common things that I say to her is, I think it's time for a break. And I've explained to her that if you take breaks, then you will study even better.

Gotta refresh yourself.

And I said to her the other day, let's be done for today, and then tomorrow you're gonna study even better.

It'll start fresh.

You've got your— you need breaks.

You gotta recharge the battery.

We all need breaks, which leads me to a Fun de-stress toolbox. Build in the fun. So when your children are taking a break, what do they do? What is fun for them? What was I just doing, honey?

You were bedazzling your book cover. I do not understand this. She has now become obsessed. Freaking TikTok. Saw it on TikTok and now she wants to run around bedazzling everything.

I'm gonna bedazzle my Legos next.

Lego. Yes, bedazzle. You have to kind of put them together. They're gonna be bedazzled before she assembles them.

I'm gonna finish the book, I'm gonna put the Lego together. Why isn't it Legos?

It's not plural, it's just Lego. I had someone who was in the Lego niche, which I did not know was a thing, tell me I was saying it wrong. It's not plural, it's just Lego.

Okay, so I'm gonna put that together next, and then I'm gonna bedazzle that because it by itself is not sparkly.

It's not sparkly.

I want to sparkle everything.

Exactly.

I want to sparkle. I want to make everything sparkly. So what is in your de-stress fun toolbox? If your kids don't know what to do on their break, help them figure out some ways to de-stress. Do they need to read a good book, watch a good show, go for a walk, exercise, get some endorphins? Lily was just exercising. I was just bedazzling, color, paint, bake, what journal, like help them come up with a box.

Music, dance.

Yes, what, what makes your— what does your kid find joy in? What is something creative for them? Help them figure it out. Make a list that they can refer to and make them take breaks. Which leads me to— how about a schedule? Our brains thrive on structure. It is bizarre to me, but I see how it works.

Yes, you, you would prefer more loosey-goosey.

Um, I see. Okay, so you've known me for 20 years.

I have.

When you met me, I would say, screw the schedule.

Yep.

Okay, I don't feel that way anymore. I— because I see the research and I see the evidence that the brain thrives on structure, and discipline lies your freedom. So what does after school look like? Does your kid have activities? Do they come home?

Are you—

are they expected to go right to their homework? How many breaks are they allowed? When can they have their phone? What time do you expect them to go to bed? Make a schedule, and in the schedule, build in breaks. Because next, I want to talk about realistic expectations. Okay, because I can— this stems from me. This one stems from me because I am a crammer, and I will plow through things, and I don't think that's healthy. So like, when your children come home, what is their expectation for the evening? Does it look realistic? Are they going to be able to get everything done that they think they're going to get done? And is it healthy for them, the amount of hours that they're working? So if something is due the next day, that's obviously a priority. But like, Ella is studying for her Regents exams, so I want her to space it out and I want her to give herself realistic expectations. I don't want her to come home at 3 o'clock and work non-stop until she goes to bed, right?

Yeah, 6 hours in a row, 7 hours in a row, too much. You already did a full school day, you don't need another one, which is basically what she's been doing every day. This is why she's tired.

So I said to her at 9 o'clock I went over into the other room before we did this and I said, oh my God, are you still studying? And she said, no, I'm done for the day. Like she knew I was gonna be pissed. Like you cannot study for 6 hours every day. That is kind of crazy. So have realistic expectations. What can you actually, what is healthy to accomplish and what is healthy to expect from yourself at school? Is it healthy? Is it realistic to expect yourself to get 100 on everything? Ella was so pissed over her grade today. I'm not going to share it, okay?

I'm gonna hear this yet.

I will share it after this, and I will tell Seth the details. And it is crazy that she is upset about this.

She got like a 98. She's like, damn it, I missed 2 points. Sorry, I don't know what the story is.

The fact is, you don't have to answer. The fact of the matter is she does not need to get 100 on everything. And where did my children get the expectation? Not from me.

Yeah, it wasn't from me.

It wasn't from us. Why do they— this is called TikTok overachieving.

Just take a bedazzle and get your 100.

Unrelenting standards.

Yes, you gotta be easy on yours— easier on yourself.

Be realistic in your expectations. Of yourself. And we need— and I'm watching Matt and Abby, they have a pod, they have the Unplanned podcast, and I'm watching this expert that they're talking to.

I was gonna ask you who the expert was. I heard some marital conversations.

He is— yeah, he has two PhDs in something, maybe counseling and law, maybe. I don't know, I have to look him up. He has books and he has a show, and I'm gonna check this guy out because he seems to know what he's talking about. And I love that when people ask him questions, he wants to actually have research data to back up his answers. That's really freaking cool. So he said that our kids are not listening to us, they are watching us, which we've talked about before.

Yes.

So if we want our kids to have more realistic expectations, maybe the problem is Seth and I.

We do have high standards for ourselves. It's always our fault, right, honey?

Oh my God, I just want to say, and Seth and I take this to heart when I say this, if you're having an issue with your child, go look in the mirror. How are you? I'm not blaming you, I'm just trying to help you.

Right.

We don't have control. We can't like control everything our children do. We can try. We can control everything that we do. So the only thing we can do is look, we can change our expectations, we can change our rules and consequences, but we can also look in the mirror and say, okay, what am I doing to contribute to this problem?

Or what am I not doing that's contributing?

That is an excellent question. That is an excellent question. If anyone wants to talk about a hormonal teenager, that's a whole nother topic.

That's a few topics.

I would like to have a conversation with this expert about this.

I think you should. You've got some of those.

I think I need to call up one of the experts that I talked to and be like, "Can we talk more about hormonal teenagers?" I think you could interview a number of the people you've interviewed. Oh, that woman that I loved who told me to write down Um, I am— what's the homework? Vision. My vision. She gave me homework. Okay, I still haven't done it.

Fabulous.

So I need to write out— I think she said my vision, and then she was gonna meet with me and talk to me.

Oh, the one who said she would give you a session? You should— you totally need to.

So I need to do the session because I can talk to her about my own problems with an expert.

There you go.

You know, experts need experts too.

That's right.

That didn't sound right.

No, that made total sense.

Therapists need therapists. Is what I'm trying to say.

Experts need experts. I like it.

It didn't come out right.

Sounded good to me.

Um, okay, I'm taking the next one. I'm taking a deep breath as I say breath.

Breathe, baby, breathe.

So I've noticed that Seth has helped me with this too. I've noticed that my girls and I get ourselves all in a tizzy.

Yep.

And I see myself in my daughters. It is the biggest lesson on the planet to see your daughters spiral out of control and to know that you have done the exact same thing.

Bom bom bom.

So, I can help them. I can help them out of their tizzy. So, if I can help them out of their tizzy, I can help myself with my tizzy.

There you go.

So, I see them start breathing fast, I see them get hyper, I see their body, I see the self-talk and the body twitching and the, oh my God, oh my God, like, I don't know what's going on with me right now but it feels really yucky and I'm like, yep, you've got yourself all worked up, we're gonna slow your breathing, we're gonna take some deep breaths and I can walk them through it. So it's taught me I can do this for myself too.

Yes.

And I think that the biggest thing is to, to slow our breathing when we're getting worked up. And even in school during a test, to help them learn to slow their breathing. I've even talked to my daughter about her feet being planted on the floor and like grounding herself. Like, we get so worked up, and if we just think about our feet on the floor—

I think we got that from Christina Fletcher, right? She certainly told me that.

Well, that is a technique. Yes, that we that we talk about in school. Okay, I heard it somewhere. So Christina brought it up recently.

Yes, yes, yes, I didn't know you already knew.

There are a lot of things, oh my God, there are so many things that I have learned and forgotten already. So we have to relearn things many times, but grounding ourselves, however we're grounding ourselves, they talk about, you know, something you see, something you hear, something you touch, you know, there's so many ways to help your kids learn to cope during the day, but it just kind of can help them de-stress at school while they're doing their homework. I find that I hold my breath.

I didn't know that.

I won't even realize that I'm doing it, and I'm like, okay, to start taking some breaths because you're holding your breath. So breathe, people.

Breathe, people.

Okay, your grades do not define you. I think that we get so caught up in focusing on our achievements, and our achievements don't make us who we are. And my children are worthy regardless of what grades they get. And what I'm trying to explain to them— and this is something that was taught to me as a parent— reward the effort, not the outcome. Okay, so when I see them working really hard, I want to give them praise because What we want them to learn is life skills. So I want them to learn to study, learn to work hard, learn to be responsible. All of those things will help them in real life. The 100 is great, but that doesn't define them. What defines them is who they are as a person and what kind of skills they are learning.

Yes.

So we are trying to teach them that. I want them to show up for their test and be like, I'm already successful, I studied so hard, I'm so proud of myself, which will put them in a better state, which will help them do better. Absolutely. Okay, so if your children are struggling, if they are stressed out, stressed out, getting bad grades, not finishing their homework, what are their study skills like? What are their test-taking skills like? We can't just assume that our kids know how to take a test, and we can't just assume that our kids know how to study. It's not—

I remember we had study skills classes.

We did not.

Okay, I went to study skills. They taught us stuff.

In what class?

It's called study skills.

In high school?

High school or middle school, I don't remember, but I remember taking a class and learning stuff about how to study.

Okay, I remember my mother teaching me how to do flashcards.

I wasn't in your house, so I can't speak to your mother about that.

I think my mother probably taught me how to study. I don't know that my teachers taught me how to study. Okay, so, um, I learned what worked for me, and I think everybody— I don't think that there's a cut-and-dry answer for every kid.

We all learn differently.

So I think that we have to figure out, like, Ella wants to teach us So she wants to stand at the mirror and write it out and teach us, and she'll say, who can I teach? Right?

Yeah.

So what works for your child to learn stuff? I had said to Lily, like, you memorize songs so well, why don't you make songs out of things? That's a good idea, right?

E equals mc squared.

I lost my thought.

We were— I think we're finishing up study skills.

I know. I think that we have to make sure that our kids have enough time to study. We're going to talk about that next. And I, I explained to my kids— this is something new for them. They think that— and this isn't Max, this is Ella and Lily— they think that they're gonna study the stuff, they're gonna go to the test, and Ella's kind of passed this already, and they're gonna expect everything they studied to be on the test. But there's stuff on the test that wasn't in their study material. And what I've explained to Lily is that your teacher gives you all this material to learn, and then your teacher wants you to use that knowledge and apply it to the question, even if they didn't directly teach you that, right? So that's a new skill. That's something new for her. It used to be, this is what I study, this is what's on the test, and now it's getting more complicated.

Yes.

So I think that if your children are struggling and stressed and not doing well in school, there's a— there's reasons why. So we want to tackle, like, what is the root of the issue? Right, and it might just be study skills, right, or test-taking skills, right? And some kids aren't good test takers.

I would—

okay, what were you gonna say?

I don't know about that, not my area of expertise.

Practice, practice. And some kids, it's easy for them to apply their knowledge to a test, and some kids, that's not easy for them. So we talked about, does your kid have enough time to study? And I want to segue to, is your child overscheduled? Because that's going to make anyone stressed out. And I love when I hear that kids are doing 3 sports, but I often wonder, how are they doing 3 sports and how are they fitting their homework in?

Yeah.

So if your child is doing well in school and isn't stressed, this doesn't apply to you. If your child is struggling, stressed, overwhelmed, Look at their schedule. Are they overscheduled? Our kids get older, their commitments get bigger, and they have to learn what do they love and what do they really want to do and what is just okay and we can take it off the schedule, right? Yeah. So chorus is an example.

Yep.

It's stressing them out, it's adding to their schedule. Take it off, make them less stressed.

There you go.

We're going to try it out next year. We're going to see how that goes. Okay. Oh, and I want to talk about one more thing with changing their schedule. If your child is taking all honors classes and all AP classes and they're very stressed out, I recommend changing that so they don't have to take AP classes at all. They don't have to take honors classes at all. And maybe they want to take just maybe their favorite class as an honors class. Like if your kid loves ELA like Lily does, then that's the class to take honors. If your kid isn't so great, isn't like in love with math, maybe that's the class to just take a regular Regents class in. Just a thought.

Yep.

Just trying to make them less stressed.

Yes.

I will tell you that talking to someone is one of the best ways to de-stress, and this expert that I was listening to said you need an audience, and we don't realize that we need to talk about things and get things off of our chest. So I'm telling you that if your kids are stressed, let them vent it all out to you. You can even teach them to say I'm gonna vent it all out and I'm gonna dump on you and then I'm gonna be done.

Yep.

I have said to Seth, just let me vent this all out.

Yep. Not looking for— don't solve my problem, just listen.

And sometimes I want him to solve my problem, and sometimes I want him to give me suggestions, and sometimes I just want to spew it all out.

Yep.

And sometimes I just want to spew it all out on paper.

You do write it out, right?

So sleep— oh my gosh, sleep cures So many things. I feel so stressed and anxious if I've had a bad night's sleep. I love the parents who make their kids go to bed early. I think that is awesome. I said something to Lily the other night like, "Do you ever talk to your boyfriend on the phone?" And she's like, "No, his mom makes him go to bed early." I was like, "I like his mom." So I love when we prioritize sleep. Lily was at her friend's house and she had to get up early for football. It was like she had to be at school at like 8:45, and I'm like, you're coming home at a decent time and you're showering and you're going to bed. Like, let's prioritize sleep. You don't need to stay out late with your friends. You've been with them for hours.

You're gonna see them the next day at football anyway.

Exactly. So set the standard, set the rules and expectations around sleep and enforce it because it is a cure-all to so many things like stress.

Definitely helps.

And last but not least, freaking celebrate along the way. Oh my gosh, if you got a homework assignment done, give yourself a high five. If you had a hard conversation with a teacher, I'm so proud of myself for getting that done. You completed a test. I did it. I finished it. I did my best. Like, you don't have to celebrate the outcome. Celebrate along the way, wouldn't you say?

Helps. It helps associate those positive endorphins.

I just think that we're less stressed if we're celebrating segments along the journey.

Amen.

Do you have anything to add? Because that was a lot.

I think you did a really good job.

Did I miss anything that helped you de-stress when you were in school or at work?

Um, no, I thankfully do a lot of those things.

So what on anything on here stand out to you that you do to help you with your stress?

I'll give you something that wasn't on there. Oh, it was on there. Okay, break it into small chunks, right? So Ella came to me tonight and said, hey, can you practice with me for piano for chorus, uh, for my chorus test? I was like, sure, when's your test? She's like, I think it might be tomorrow or the next day, like it's really soon. I'm like, I would have liked weeks to practice. How many songs you got? 5. I'm like, and we're practicing, you want me to learn these all and practice them all and accompany you all tonight? Yes. Can you? And I would get— I looked at him like, holy crap. And I was getting overwhelmed and I was literally going, oh my God, I starting to get stressed about it. I said, wait a second, you do what you can do. And I said, let's do one song at a time in my head. So I said, I'm going to start playing one song I don't have to know the whole thing. I just have to know the melody that she has to sing. Like, I'm just gonna practice one song. And I got through one song, I was like, oh, this one was in, you know, I had one sharp, it was relatively easy. Okay, I certainly at least can help her with one song. I'm like, let's try the next song. And the next song, I'm like, okay. And then I sorted through and I'm like, oh, these two songs are harder, I'll put them at the end. But we ended up getting through, I ended up getting through all five enough to help her. And it was because like I didn't, I started to get overwhelmed and I stopped myself and said, just do one at a time. Just, just and, and see how it goes and made it through.

Yeah, you're the master at chunking. Chunking. So like, if— so I'm gonna tell you the difference between Seth and I, okay? So I'm reading a 1,000-page book. So Seth would be like, okay, I'm gonna read 40 pages a day, 50 pages a day, I'll be done on this day.

Yeah.

I'm like, how much can I read a day?

I want to stay up later. No, you can't go to sleep yet. I want to stay up and keep reading. I want to stay up and keep reading.

Well, Well, the goal is 50 pages a day, but I would like to do more than that. And I wanted—

I didn't know there was a goal.

And I wanted to read at the orthodontist today, but I got sidetracked. And what happens to me, and I am really good at this, is I want to read my book, but I start answering emails or doing something productive. I do something productive on my to-do list instead of just sitting and reading my book. So, um, Seth would already have it figured out when his book would be completed anyway.

Thank you.

I think I'm not— it's not criticism, it's just we're different. And I'm like, and I'm like, how fast can I read this book?

And Seth is like, oh no, I want to know because then the book is over. Like, I'm like, no, there are times when I get near the book, I'm near the end, I'm like, no, I gotta slow down and stretch it out and make the book last longer.

I'm gonna tell you a secret about me. We're gonna talk about this for a minute.

I want to finish the book, and then you're like, oh, I missed them, I missed the characters. I'm like, yeah, because you finished, you binged it. Like, you could make it last longer.

So, okay, I'm gonna criticize myself after I say this, so I'm gonna say it and let me criticize myself.

Okay.

I am trying to finish books as quickly as I can because I have such a huge stack of to-be-read books physically in my—

in my Kindle and the library.

Just call it like in my library. So I have books on my shelf, physical books, and I have a stack of books already waiting on my Kindle for me. And they're Kindle Unlimited books that I want to get through as fast as I can because sometimes Kindle takes them away from me and sometimes they decide that they're not unlimited anymore. So they disappear.

I would just buy you the book so you didn't have to rush.

So I will tell you, my thought process about books is completely wrong. I should be— I should be taking my time and enjoying my books. I rush through life, I rush through things, and I need to slow down. So that's a whole nother topic.

It is. That would be a good topic.

I will get through this topic another time, but this is something about me that I'm always rushing and it stresses me out and I do it to myself and I will work on that.

That is awesome personal development and I got a list of ways to help you cope with that. You should take some breaths, you should plan in some breaks, you should celebrate, I think you should talk to someone.

So basically, so this stuff to de-stress in school is just good for life. Yes. So on Friday, Margo McCole Bisnow is on the podcast, and her topic that was amazing was raising an entrepreneur.

Oh, I didn't know you did a topic on this. I, I'm gonna listen. This is awesome.

So I, I totally thought I told you, but Seth is gonna—

either I forgot, which is entirely possible because you tell me so many wonderful things, or you didn't tell me.

So my husband is the epitome of an entrepreneur. So when my producer suggested that I interview this lady about this topic, I said, sign me up as fast as you can because Seth is going to love this topic.

I'm excited.

So I really enjoyed talking to her. You're going to love her. You're going to learn something.

Even if you don't want to raise an entrepreneur.

I mean, I'm sure there's stuff that applies. I am going to tell you something. No matter what the topic is each week, I can promise you that you will take something away that pertains to your life. So if I am in— and I'm throwing this out there— if I'm interviewing somebody on single life and you're married, I guarantee you that us as a happily married couple will learn something.

Yep.

So it doesn't matter what the topic is, there's always some golden nuggets, there's always something to learn. So I just did the Mother's Day May Challenge and the winner is Jennifer Calero.

Yay, Jen!

So I have to message Jen and tell her that I'm working on her gift. I have not dropped off a gift to her yet, but that was a fun challenge.

Yay!

And that was from the Whiny Plus a Mom group on Facebook, so come find me. It's a free supportive community and Slowly go to whinybalooza.com.

There is a Linktree there which is a list of all of Rebecca's amazing free resources. Please sign up for them, especially her Whiny Balooza multiple times a week free email newsletter. And then, as always with all of Rebecca's amazing resources, please like, comment, rate, review, share, and subscribe, because your interaction with the content shows the algorithm, whether it's Facebook or TikTok or the email or wherever, It shows those algorithms that you value that content and it is shareable, and they will show it to more people. So please help her reach more people by liking, commenting, sharing, rating, reviewing, and subscribing.

That was really good. So people don't realize that when people are like content creators, when you hit the like button, when you comment something, that helps a lot.

When you give some feedback like those thumbs up, I just did.

So share this with somebody who could use some help de-stressing themselves and their children.

Yes.

And anything else that I'm forgetting?

We'll see you next Whiny Palooza Wednesday and check out the podcast on Friday. I'm excited.

Yes, have a good week. Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.