Episode 453: Breaking free from Mom Burnout

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Plousa Podcast, and I am so excited because I get to talk to the lovely Christy Gomier. Christy, thank you so much for doing this with me today.

Yes, thank you so much for having me. I'm so happy to be here.

I'm excited to talk to Christy because she's going to help all of us. You're going to love this topic. Let me tell you about her and why I'm excited to talk to her. Christy is a licensed mental health counselor in New York State, where I am too. We're so excited. We're pretty close together. How, how often does that happen? Not a lot. Not a lot. I know. A national certified counselor and a dedicated coach for moms with nearly a decade of experience in community mental health settings as both a therapist and manager. Christy's transitioned to private practice before finding her true calling in coaching mothers. After experiencing firsthand the challenges of balancing parenthood with a demanding career, especially when her second child was born during the COVID shutdown, she now helps stressed-out working moms overcome burnout and reconnect with their families without guilt or resentment. Based in Syracuse, New York, where she lives with her husband and two children, Christy enjoys spending her free time with friends, friends, being outdoors, and watching Survivor with her husband. Now, Christy, we're both in New York State. Are you like me? Are you so ready for summer?

I am so ready for summer. I have to tell you, we just had spring break this past week and we traveled not far, just a few hours away, and we were driving through the snow. I'm like, when is this going to end?

Longest winter ever.

Yes. I feel like it's later and later every year.

You know what? I totally agree with you. And we just flew back from Florida, so I am like really missing it. So anyways, let's talk about moms because us moms need some help from you. So first I want to ask you, I would love to know what inspired you from transitioning from a therapist to a coach specifically for moms.

Of course. Honestly, it I feel like it's all been part of the journey, right? And so being in mental health, I was working with all sorts of different people, different challenges. And as I had been doing that for a long time and it was stressful, but what job isn't? And mental health in particular, I feel, is a field where there is a lot of burnout. I initially was working in an agency where it was just, it was very demanding. It, but I was managing it because at the time it was just me, my husband. I didn't have kids, and so all my time I was able to dedicate towards that. Once my daughter was born though, everything just changed because work, it was still important, but it was no longer the only important thing. And suddenly all of these things that had felt manageable suddenly felt really hard. And, and then obviously there was this whole journey since then, and I learned a lot along the way, both through my own personal experiences, also my work as a therapist. And I just, I feel like I've gotten to a much better place, and I really have learned a lot of strategies to help not only myself but also other moms. And I just, I feel like I know the struggle, and it's just there's so many moms out there who are experiencing their own version of the same struggle, and they don't always feel like they can talk about it. And I think a lot of times they're feeling those pressures from society. And I just, it's just a population that I feel super passionate about, especially having been through, still going through it myself. My kids are still young.

You really are. I know. And being a mom and working is not easy. And I know that we had the added stressor of the COVID shutdown. So tell us, how did that impact you? Because I know it had a big impact.

Of course. So my son was born not just in the middle of the COVID shutdown. He was born at the beginning. He was born the day the world shut down.

Oh my.

Gosh, March 16th, 2020. That, that was a Monday. The Friday before, my daughter was in daycare, and that Monday, the day I was in the hospital, suddenly she was home. And so for starters, that in itself was a big adjustment because I was expecting her to be in daycare. I was expecting to have this time just with him. Suddenly she was home and So I had a 4-year-old, I had a newborn, every— so much chaos happening in the world. And I just had to, I had to readjust my expectations. I had to readjust my plans and everything. It was very hard. I also had to readjust work. I was, as a therapist in private practice, I was very fortunate that I was able to make my own schedule, but also when I'm not working, I'm also not getting paid. So that's also— once I did go back to work, I should say, after my leave was done, I had to rethink that. And suddenly classrooms and daycare were shutting down unexpectedly, sometimes 10 days at a time. And so what I ended up doing is I ended up completely flopping my schedule so that I was doing all my administrative work during the day. And then in case they got closed down. And then I was doing all my sessions at night. I would lock myself in a bedroom after my husband got home. I would do all my sessions over the computer, but then I wasn't having any time with my family. And so eventually, as things started to get back to a more normal place, I was able to switch that back. But it was just a lot of adjustment. It was a lot of stress. It was a lot of transitioning, and none of it was expected.

I know. It feels like yesterday and it also feels so long ago. I don't know how to explain it other than that.

Yeah. My son just celebrated his 5th birthday and that is always my— his birthday keeps me, keeps that timeline in check of how long it's been since COVID was, since it started.

I mean, that is crazy that he was born as everything was shutting down. What a time to be born. He'll be telling his kids about that. That's just crazy.

I know. I remember being in the hospital and one of the nurses was talking to another nurse and she was saying, "I heard this whole thing might last 6 weeks." Meanwhile, years later and we're still having conversations.

I know. It's really surreal when we think about it. Let's hope things stay more normal now. But even with the normal, even with the normal, moms feel burned out. Can you tell us like, how does a mom even know that she's having the signs of burnout?

Yeah, I think that that's a great question because stress is normal. I think people experience a certain amount of stress, and I think a lot of times people use terms like stress and burnout interchangeably, but they are different. Whereas stress is going to be more situational, it tends to be more temporary, it's more gonna be related to a specific situation or event or something like that's happening. And then when that stressor goes away, typically the challenges along with that also go away. Burnout is more chronic. Burnout really happens as a result of unresolved stress. And so when people are feeling burned out, one of the key things that they might notice is that they are chronically exhausted, not just tired at the end of the day where, okay, I'll get a good night's sleep and I'll feel better in the morning, or, oh, I'll just maybe take a a short nap and then I'll be feel refreshed for the afternoon. When people are burnout, they just have that chronic sense of exhaustion that doesn't seem to go away. They also might start to feel less motivated. They might start to have more negative or cynical kind of thoughts about their work or about things going on in their lives. They might have less energy, a lot of those kinds of things.

Okay, so the mom— so to the mom who's listening right now who says, oh, I'm all of those things, so she's totally burned out. What would be your advice to help her move to in, into a better direction?

Yeah, obviously it's typically very complicated and there's a lot involved. I think for starters, it's important to really be thinking about even though stress and burnout are different, they are related. And so some of the stress management strategies, some of the self-care strategies, things that we can do to prioritize our needs. I feel like that's a good starting point. That's usually not enough because as I mentioned with burnout is more chronic and And with burnout in particular, tends to be more related to like environmental kinds of things, more systemic kind of things. And so it can really be helpful to take a step back and think about what bigger things are going on in our lives that are really, that might be contributing to this and how can we make certain changes to that? So part of that is recognizing and understanding what things are within our control, what things are not within not within our control, and then making the changes where we can. But starting with those simple things of— not, and I say simple, not easy— but those simple things of prioritizing that time for ourselves. Because as working moms, we're also conditioned with— there are these deep-rooted societal pressures and expectations that we're always going to be putting everybody else first and we're going to be putting ourselves last. And so just really making ourselves a priority.

And unfortunately, I know you've heard this if I've heard this, I hear so many moms who say to me, I don't have the time. It's always, I'm too busy, I'm too busy, I'm too busy. So what is your advice to them? Because they need to take care of themselves and I know that they can find the time. How do we help them?

Yeah. So one of the things, and I, this is a bit of an overgeneralized statement, but very simply, I think that it's important to remember that we all have the same amount of time. We all have 24 hours in a day. Never feels like enough. And so because of that, it is about prioritizing. And so one of the things we need to do is take a step back and think about how we're prioritizing things. I'm a big believer that we can do the things that feel really important to us. We can do the things that are most important. We just might not be able to do everything, or at least not right away. And so how do we decide which things are most valuable, which things are most important, which things are most time sensitive, and then what things can either wait or what things can be delegated or outsourced or maybe taken off our list altogether. And so we really need to think about and spend some time exploring what is the value of our self-care and also doing some mindset work around the idea that it really is okay. And not only is it okay for us, but it also benefits our families. When we think about what— how we're able to show up for our families when we're taking care of ourselves, we're more present, we're more patient, we're able to do all these things that we might not be able to do when we're burned out. So it's good for us and it's also good for them.

And as you're talking, I'm also thinking that moms don't necessarily label things that are self-care. And I think that if I label it that way, it feels different to me. So if I'm gonna sit down and watch my show and take the time to do that, to me that feels like self-care, but I don't necessarily know that moms know that's what that is. Does that make sense?

It does. And I think also to your point, there are lots of different kinds of self-care and different things are going to work for different people. So being open to and exploring different things, maybe it is watching a show, maybe it's being out in nature, maybe it's spending some time just journaling and doing some more self-reflection. Being kind to ourselves is a form of self-care. And so it, it really can look very different. And so it's just about finding the strategies that work for us, for each person.

I love that. I love that. Cuz we all want different things and it works differently for everyone. I wanna talk about guilt because this is a huge one that I hear from moms and it really, it, it hurts me that they feel so guilty because they're working so hard. Mm-hmm. So why do moms get, feel guilty when they're working so hard and doing their best?

So one of the things that I really spend a lot of time talking to people about is the importance of our mindset and how that affects the way that we feel. Different sorts of mindsets are going to contribute to different feelings, but with guilt in particular, I find that some of the, the really common thoughts that we're having are either I'm doing something wrong or I'm letting somebody down. I'm not meeting somebody's expectations, so I'm letting them down, I'm disappointing them, things like that. And so I think And for a lot of working moms, you know, even if they know that work is important and it's okay that they're doing it and there's value to it, there's still this piece that they struggle with when maybe they have to say no to going to something at their kid's school or saying no to spending some time with their child at the end of the day because they have other things that they're also doing. And so even though they might not necessarily think they're doing anything wrong per se, they might feel that guilt because they feel like they're disappointing them. And so really doing that mindset work around those kinds of thoughts, because also keeping in mind that our thoughts are learned. And a lot of these, a lot of these guilty feelings come from these— I mentioned before, these like deep-rooted societal expectations of what it means to be a good mom. And that's just a definition that we really need to challenge. What does a good— what does it mean to be a good mom? And that absolutely can include working, working outside the home.

Absolutely. And I think that guilt and resentment build and affects the relationship to the point where they feel disconnected from their family, which I know that you talk to people about. Can we talk about the resentment building and how it leads to the disconnection?

Yeah, absolutely. So for starters, so resentment, it doesn't just happen. Resentment also, it's, it's a gradual thing. So something that might frustrate us or make us feel angry or something that might not seem like a big deal in the moment, but if it's ongoing or if these things are continuing to happen and if they're not resolved, those things build and build and over time it can be turned into resentment. And then yes, that absolutely can have an impact on our relationships because to point. It can lead to feeling disconnected. A lot of times when we're feeling resentful, we're not as likely to try to have these conversations with our partners or our spouses. There can be— it can affect our trust in the relationship. It can affect our sense of emotional safety in some cases. And so all of these things, and when we're feeling resentful, we might, for example, maybe we are gonna notice that our patience is less and we're having more arguments with our partner and things like that. Rather than sort of addressing these things, having more productive conversations, healthy conversations, so that we can hopefully get to a point where, with our partners, where there's this understanding that we're on the same team. We're not really working against each other. It's not me versus you. It's how can we get back to the same place? And just remembering our goals for our family.

So having the hard conversations and working through it. Will help them feel more connection.

Yes, absolutely. But those are hard conversations to have.

I know, I know. Any tips on having an effective conversation?

So every relationship is different, and one of the things that I also want to mention is I do realize that not all couples are the same, not all partners are the same. Some people feel like they have partners who they really can talk to more easily, who are more apt to listen to them and try to understand and hear what they have to say. Other people I know struggle with that. Maybe their partners are not as open to those conversations. But generally speaking, I think that it can be helpful to, for starters, always approach conversations from a place of curiosity. I think it's always important not to make assumptions. Remember that whatever our struggles are, they have their own perspective, and we really want to try to gain an understanding of where everybody's at and what everybody's perspectives are. And so just being very careful with word choice that we're not making those assumptions. I think it can be helpful to be strategic with our conversation. So maybe planning it ahead of time, saying something like, hey, I have some things I'd really like to talk to you about. When would— might be a good time that we can do this? And lay some expectations about what it's about, remembering again that you're on the same team. And so the goal is not to badger them into hearing our point. But the goal is to everybody understand each other so that we can try to work together towards a common goal. And so just laying that expectation of, I'm not here to— I don't want to fight with you, I don't want to argue, I just, I have some things that I'd really like to talk about.

Really good advice. And I think that one of the things that happens, whether it's with a partner, a friend, whoever is in the woman's life, is we aren't always so good at setting boundaries, which leads to the burnout and the resentment and all the stuff. So can you help the women listening be able to more effectively set boundaries?

Yes. So I think boundaries is one of those things that a lot of— you hear people talk about it all the time, and I think for a lot of people, they acknowledge that boundaries are a good thing, they can be a very helpful thing, but they do struggle with them in a lot of cases. And there can be a number of different reasons. For some people it is fear of conflict. For other people it's fear of disappointment. Maybe there are some people-pleasing tendencies. Maybe they are feeling guilty. Maybe they are concerned about— maybe they're feeling obligated. So there can be a number of different things. And so I think with establishing boundaries, the first thing that we want to do is really explore and get to get a better understanding of what that person's particular barriers are so that we can work through those barriers. And then from there, just really trying to shift that mindset to get them to this place where they realize, yes, it really is okay for me to set boundaries. And even if this other thing does happen, it will still be okay. And also thinking about the value of boundaries, not just for ourselves, but for our relationships in general. They can also promote a better relationship, not just again for us and for our partners.

Yeah, I think that the people in our lives don't want us to say yes all the time. They want us to be honest.

Yeah, absolutely.

And I don't think women know that. I think that we get trapped in feeling like we want to say yes to all of it, right? Yes.

But I also think that when we don't set those boundaries, then we're getting into what we were just talking a few minutes ago, where now these problems are not being addressed, things are not being resolved, and that resentment starts starts to build.

Yes.

Because if they don't know what our boundaries are, then they are gonna have a much harder time respecting those boundaries. And then if we start to feel frustrated and it turns into resentment over time, and then we have all those problems that we were just talking about a few minutes ago.

Oh my gosh. So true. All of it. So true. I'm taking notes mentally, taking lots of notes. So I know that for me, I know you're gonna help me with this question, so We start our day and maybe there's women who are doing it better than me, but for me, I get out of bed and it's ready, set, go, and I take off.

Again, I think it's about finding out what works best for you. So for me, one of— this is something that didn't start until I had kids and I just started naturally. My kids were terrible sleepers. And so as a result, I would often get up earlier with my son while everybody else is still sleeping. And I found that time he would— I put a show go on for him. I'd sit and drink my coffee, get myself ready for the day, and I just found that I love that so much that even when he started to sleep later, I continued it because it was a really great start to my day. Obviously, that's not going to be what everybody does, but I think getting ourselves into routines, thinking about what are some of the things that we need— and some people really benefit from having just a very short ritual in the morning to get themselves started, whether it's having a cup of coffee and some quiet time to themselves, whether it's doing a 5-minute meditation, whether it's just lying in bed for a couple minutes. And maybe that's also time that we need to build into our morning schedule, because if we don't give ourselves enough time in the morning, then it's just go, and then it can be harder.

Oh my gosh, I think the best thing that I did was get up earlier because I was rushing too much. So I gave myself more time, and it changed everything for me.

And it's also about having conversations with your partner. So again, for me, one of the things that I run into— so I will be downstairs having my coffee, I'll be sitting with my son, my husband will get up and take a shower, and he usually, he comes down around 7 o'clock and I go take my shower. And on the days that he comes down at 7:05, that 5 minutes is so stressful for me because it just, it that 5 minutes is a big deal in the morning. And so whenever that happens, I have to have those conversations with him again, just these gentle reminders of, hey, I really need you to come downstairs by 7. And I do, I continue to have those conversations because otherwise I would just be so frustrated.

I totally understand. I totally, we all understand. Those morning minutes are precious. So I know that you transitioned from traditional therapist to coaching? And I will tell you, I think a lot of us don't really know the difference. Can you explain that to us?

Yeah. So for starters, so therapy and coaching are two different services. So people who are going to therapy are maybe going to be struggling with more clinical kinds of problems. So maybe symptoms of depression, symptoms of anxiety that are really having a significant impact on our lives. People come to coaching for help with a more nonclinical problem, a problem that, you know, something that they are struggling with, but they're otherwise functioning pretty well in their day-to-day lives. And whereas therapy might do a lot more like exploration and things like that, coaching is more about having an identified goal and then getting education, being given like accountability and support to help them achieve that goal. So as we talked about before, the goal that I'm particularly helping these working moms with is overcoming burnout so that they can improve those relationships at home without the guilt and resentment. So that is the goal that we're working towards.

Makes so much sense. I think people don't know the difference, so I appreciate you explaining that. Yeah, of course. And I think that a lot of the moms that you're talking about, I think that they feel like they need to choose. Am I going to be a successful career woman or am I going to be present for my children? Can you reframe that for them? Because I don't think that's accurate.

Yeah, no, I think that— so for starters, they complement each other, right? And so when we are doing a job that we feel satisfied, feel fulfilled, then we tend to— that rolls over, spills over into our personal lives where we are able to be more present as parents and things like that. And it goes both ways. I think that sometimes we have to remember that we can do everything. Sometimes we're going to prioritize one thing over the other in that given moment. I think there also needs to be a little bit of flexibility in our definitions of what it means to be a quote-unquote working mom, because people have different things that are going to help them. Some people have more flexible schedules, other people have more better support systems and things like that. But at the end of the day, we just need to, we need to realize that success does not mean having to do everything perfectly and just be 100% in all our roles at any given time. It's about adjusting and adapting, and some days it's going to be about this and other days it's going to be about this, and that's okay.

I love that, and I love that you used the word complimenting because I don't think that women think of it that way. And that's absolutely what it is.

Yeah, absolutely.

So when you're coaching a woman and you're helping her through these struggles, what role does her partner play in the process with you?

So my coaching program is really— it's with the women, right? And so the partners are going to be— as I mentioned before, all partners are different and some are going to be more supportive, maybe some are not as much. And so Their role. So these moms are gonna, I'm gonna be helping them have some of these conversations. I'm gonna be helping them establish some of these boundaries. I'm gonna be helping them, you know, route their values and things like that. And then, and figure out the things that they really have control over and the things they don't have as much control over. And how do we make adjustments where we can? And again, a big part of that is seeing our partner as a partner, even if they don't necessarily understand our perspectives. Like we're all on the same team. And so helping them recognize that too.

Love it. That makes so much sense. So do you have a specific woman in mind right now as we're talking, like a success story that you can share with us that will maybe inspire the overwhelmed mom listening?

Yeah. So I, I have this one mom in particular and she is, she's just a wonderful person. She's got 4 kids. She has this great career that she has been working so hard for such a long time. And she does. She has a supportive husband. He doesn't always understand it, but we've been having these conversations that we're talking about today and things continue to be stressful. But she is in a place where she is, she's making these changes. She is carving. She's already said, I'm taking this one night a week. I'm doing this for myself. My husband knows he's on, he's on board and she's doing all the things. She's She's got her kids, she's got the career, and she's stressed, but that's normal, but she's doing it.

That's awesome. So there's success, ladies. There is success around the corner to feeling less overwhelmed. So to the overwhelmed working mom who is listening right now, can you give her maybe one small step that she can take today to feel a little bit better?

Yeah. So I think the one thing that I would just really encourage that these moms to remember is that For starters, we need to let go of this idea of perfection because perfection does not exist. There are lots and lots of ways to be a great mom. What works for one person might not work for another person. We might make mistakes along the way, but that is okay. And so I just really encourage these moms to, to really try to think about that, to let go of this idea of perfection and know As long as they are intentional and as long as they're thinking about these things, we're all, we're doing a great job. We're all just doing the best we can.

I know. I wish that all the moms listening could just tell themselves, you're doing a good job right now. That's what I would love them all to do right at this moment.

Yeah.

So I wanna talk about all the stuff that you offer to moms, but before we do that, is there anything that I didn't ask you that you think is important that we touch on?

I don't think so. I feel like we, we touched on all the things. Yeah. And these are all things that I also talk about in my program. Everything from helping these moms identify what their values are so that they can be more intentional in their choices and having those conversations and setting those boundaries and doing the mindset work. Like those are all things that are part of this and those are all things that they can absolutely do.

So tell everyone where they can find you and all your good stuff.

Yeah. So for starters, anybody who is interested in exploring my program, they can go to my website, Christy Gmyr Coaching. Gmyr, G-M-Y-R. We were talking about this before. It's a little bit of a tricky name with the vowel and whatnot, lack of vowels. And then also I have a free Facebook group called Thrive as a Career-Driven Mom. And that is for anybody, whether they're interested in the coaching program or not. Any of these working moms where I put on a lot of, like, tips and strategies and short videos to talk about some of these things so they can get support there. I invite them all to, to find me there.

That's awesome. I think that you were extremely helpful and I absolutely loved talking to you today.

Thank you. I enjoyed this too. Thank you again so much for having me. This is great.

This is Rebecca Green, and I want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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