Episode 456: Mommy Meltdowns

Hello everybody, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday. Check and make sure we're live.

So it was like 7:30 and I was trying on dresses for my nephew's bar mitzvah.

I like fashion shows.

And I was giving Seth a fashion show and I finished my fashion show and I put on my pajamas, took out my contacts, took off all my jewelry And Seth goes, um, you know it's Wednesday, right?

Yes, she came in the bedroom all pajama'd up, ready for bed, going, I'm going to sit on the couch. And I'm like, yeah, what happened?

I wasn't going to bed, I was gonna go—

you were ready.

It's been a very busy week. So I know I'm not alone when I say that June is really intense.

Yep. I mean, for those of us who have end of school in June You're off already, it doesn't matter.

So some people ended in early June or May, and then they don't understand what we're dealing with.

Well, they might have had a crazy May.

They did it. They already did it.

Yes.

And then one mom who has adult children commented and said, um, one, one day June will be like any other month. And I was like, oh my God, that's true.

What's that like?

So We're in the thick of it, people. We're in the thick of it. And I'm going to always be authentically honest with you, and I'm going to tell you that I've had a few meltdowns. I've had meltdowns with Seth. And I've had meltdowns, like, alone.

I did not know about the ones that I was not there for.

Well, I didn't really write about those, but, like, I've had to regroup. So many times this June. On a scale of 1 to 10, I give June a 10 on the level of intensity. So I find that as a mother, every month is different. So like September's intense, December's intense, June is intense. Like every month has like a level of intensity. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yes, I do. September's the start of school, December's winter break. Yes, they're all around the school year.

Well, and December is intense because of holidays, and moms have so much on them to get ready for the holidays.

Yep.

So Seth and I have tired eyes. We are, we are definitely tired. So we're in the thick of June. We are not done. Today was the memory walk for my son. My son is a senior, if you don't know.

And what's the memory walk?

So Max is graduating from high school. In a week is his graduation. So today the seniors went to visit their elementary school, and I got pictures of Max with his teachers. So they don't really want parents to come. I drove one— Max wanted to drive himself. I drove one of our friends back and forth. She didn't have a ride, and I was like, trying to talk myself into staying in the car. I was like, she told me it was gonna be 15 to 20 minutes. She was right, it was really fast. And I was like, I'm just gonna sit in the car. Well, I mean, I saw parents, I wanted some pictures, I got out of the car. I got out of the car, what can I say? I got out of the car. And I will get out of the car for Ella, and I will get out of the car for Lily, and I got to see their teachers and their old principal, and it was so emotional. And I think that the intensity level and the meltdowns not only have to do with the overwhelmed feelings and the keeping up with the daily grind, which is hard in itself, but on top of all the overwhelm is all the mom emotions.

Yes.

And, you know, I felt tears several times today come and go. Like, you just never know when they're gonna show up, and they just show up. And, you know, I was driving Lily to tumbling today and I got all emotional and I was like, oh gosh, I hope he doesn't disappear.

You're talking about Max?

Yeah.

Right.

So I'm— see, I'm gonna try not to cry, honey. So anyways, Max is going off to school and we're so excited for him. I just don't want him to disappear. I want to still see him. I want to— I want to still maintain contact with him. I think it's harder with boys. I think my girls are very communicative and I just want to make sure to stay in contact with my son. So emotional feelings, overwhelmed feelings, and you know, Seth pointed something out to me one day and he was like, you know, don't take it out on me. Like, I'm here to support you and be there for you and I'm a team with you and you know, don't take it out on me.

Your stress.

And I don't want to take my stress out on Anyone, including myself. Seth doesn't deserve it. My kids don't deserve it. Well, sometimes one of them does. Hahaha.

So, it's another episode.

We'll do that another time. Today is about mommy meltdowns. So, if you are having any sort of mom meltdown, please note you're not alone. I would say that my level of resilience is pretty high and I'm having them. And I'm not working full-time, I'm working part-time. So to all you full-time working moms, I take my non-existent hat off to you because I'm struggling, and I'm struggling to even fit work in. Like I had work texting me today, like I know she probably was on Facebook seeing where I was. She's like, I know you're busy, but can you respond to our email? I'm like, I can't even fit part-time working. So kudos to you for fitting in work. Kudos to you for trying to juggle it all. I will tell you that the overwhelmed feelings sometimes bubble out of me. Yesterday, like, you're gonna totally relate to this. Yesterday I come home from driving somebody, probably picking Ella up from her exam. I don't know, it's all a blur. I'm driving kids all over the place, and Max says to me, um, you know we have a 12:30 luncheon, right? Max was receiving his scholarship at a luncheon, like a certificate, like this really fancy nice luncheon, and we didn't put it on the calendar. So Max knew what was happening, I didn't know it was happening. I didn't put it on my calendar, so I totally forgot about it. So add in the lunch in, and then after the lunch in, we come home and Lily comes home and she's like, um, you know, I need forms for cheerleading. And like, you know, I don't know how we fit dinner in. I will tell you, I mean, I'm gonna get to this, but I'm not cooking like I normally do. So I was telling them that I heard I forgot about the lunch in. Yep. Then Lily's asking me to go to cheerleading, which I didn't know that was going on last night. You will all understand there are apps for all the different things.

It's very frustrating keeping up with all the communication because you got to check. Someone says, oh, I Slack'd you, I banned you, I WhatsApp'd you, I did this, and I'm like, oh my God, I gotta go 17 different places to see who's talking about what. Just send me a damn email.

So cheerleading is starting back up again, so I need to readjust to going on Band every day. Yeah, so I'm not there. So I am, I am approaching getting more in the habit of checking band. So Lily's like, I have cheerleading, I need forms, I'm fitting in dinner, I'm trying to find the forms, I'm trying to write the check, and my friends are texting me about our PTA meeting. And I'm like, oh my God, I, I have it on my— so I have to look at my calendar multiple times a day. And my friend said she has alerts like, yes, all over her day, which I need to do. But I'm like, I'm just taking you through a normal day of all the things. So like, I just feel like the stress sometimes just comes out and I'm just like, ah, right? I mean, you experienced the meltdowns with me.

I, I did. We did recently experience one of those.

Yes. I mean, I, I wasn't too bad. I've gotten better, but I—

very true.

I would say they're rarer.

Yes.

Rarer and less intense.

Yes.

Improvements are happening. There is not like zero. So when I was going into the home and working with families, I was explaining to them that we are scaling things. So if their child is being aggressive, I wasn't looking to go straight to a zero. I was looking to go, from 10 to 8.

So, oh, you mean scaling back a behavior? So we're scaling back less intense.

So the aggressiveness was getting less intense, it was happening less often, just like my meltdowns are happening less intense and less often as I get more resilient and better coping skills.

Yes.

So I know that it's not about what we might present like it's about having to drive someone somewhere, but that's not what it's really about. It's really about like the overwhelmed of—

okay, because that's helpful, because I thought yours was related to the specific things that you were doing at that point in time that were frustrating.

It's— I mean, it builds up. So like if I've been in the car 10 times that day, maybe the 10th time I'm like, I can't drive anyone anywhere else. Like, how many times am I going to get back in my car today? Yes, I laughed about it today. So, so what is it? What is really going on with you? That's the question you need to ask. And the question that I needed to say to myself is, okay, it's not the car, it's the overwhelmed feelings that you're having. It's the needing some time for myself. I said to my friends I need some Rebecca time.

You do.

It's been all kids all the time.

Yes.

And everyone's gonna say you're gonna miss it and it's gonna go fast, and you know, of all people, I understand that, but I still need some Rebecca time.

Yes.

So I am trying to— I was just explaining to my youngest about being compassionate with herself.

Okay.

We were talking about test-taking. Ah. And I'm like, you know what, you're 12 years old. Like you're learning to take tests, you're young, you're gonna get better. She's like, I overthink it and blah blah blah, and I'm like, okay, so see, we're learning about ourselves, we're making progress, we're making changes. I know that I am having an intense month, so I'm going to be a little easier on myself. I, you know, didn't fit in I know that this is not what I should be slacking on, but I did not weight train at all this week yet. It's Wednesday. Like, I haven't done it.

I haven't worked out.

I haven't. I mean, I walked, right? I'm fitting in walks for my sanity. That's one of the things I was going to tell you, is that I need downtime for my sanity or I'll go totally insane. But I know that I need to be gentler with myself this month. I know that, like I said to my— I said to my neighbor, my friend, I said to her last Wednesday, I'm like, I am so sorry, like, I have to take my dog to the vet. I can't drive either way. If you cover for me, I'll do next week. So I have to ask, and it's hard for us to do those things, but we have to do it.

You have to use your village.

And I started to think about the boundaries, you know, as I was writing this. There is a blog at whinypalooza.com all about mom meltdowns, and I was trying to think about setting more boundaries. And one of the things I've been effective with is people will reach out to me to like fit something into the month, and I'm like, you know, I'm, I'm crossing my arms like there is nothing else that I'm fitting into this month. We went to Toronto last weekend, we have more trips this month. Like, I have enough going on this month. I have to set boundaries. I can't add— don't ask me to add anything to June. If you want to see me, I'm happy to see you in July. That's what I'm saying to everyone. I am happy to have a meeting in July. I— my friends were talking about a PTA meeting, and I said, do you want to know what I'm thinking about right now? It's not the PTA. I have a list of other things going on. So I tell moms two things in almost every blog. So I'm obviously talking to myself, okay? And this is for you in your work day.

I'm ready.

And I want to know if you do this. I want to know if you take any time for yourself in your day, take any breaks in your day, and I want to know if you take deep breaths.

Okay, we call them clarity breaks.

Yes, yes, you did mention—

always get them every day, but I try and do them at least once a week. And do I take deep breaths? Yes, I will remind myself to breathe.

Okay, I am going to talk to you about adjusting expectations this month, or any month that you're feeling overwhelmed, or any day that you're feeling overwhelmed. So a perfect example is that I have not been cooking every night. Now, we've had a lot of leftovers.

Yep.

Seth, you grilled tonight, which was super helpful. It is not a big cooking week for me, and that's okay. I have stuff almost every night. I'm extra busy. Maybe I'm not gonna cook every night. Maybe I'm not gonna clean every day. Maybe I'm not gonna do laundry every day. Some stuff isn't gonna happen.

That's okay.

And so I listened to, I listened to most of Matt and Abby's podcast. It's The Unplanned Podcast, and I felt so seen listening to Abby talk to her sister-in-laws because she was talking about mom rage, which we can do another episode.

Okay, I didn't know that was a thing.

Mom rage is a thing. It has to do with mommy meltdowns and mommy overwhelm. Okay, it all goes hand in hand. And they were talk— she was talking, she was talking like I talk, and I felt so like not alone. She was like, listen women, listen moms, I go to bed with dishes in the sink. And it was like, oh my God, not that.

The revelation.

She's like, I leave the kitchen a mess and I sit down because I need some downtime, and I attack the kitchen in the morning. Now I can't even tell you how many experts have told me to go to bed with a clean kitchen and that you wake up feeling so much better with with a clean kitchen. I am going to tell you from experience, for this seasoned senior mom— I'm not a senior, my kids— my kids are senior— I function so much better in the morning than I do at night. So at 9 o'clock at night, I need to sit down. At 6 AM in the morning, I am raring to go. I could clean the whole kitchen at 6 AM. I don't know how you feel at 6 AM.

I do not want to clean the kitchen at 6 AM.

I feel much more energized.

I was doing dishes right before we started this.

Okay, so here is my question for you. Would you rather do dishes in the evening or the morning?

Evening.

So are you more of a night person or a morning person?

Yes.

I don't know what that answer means.

Me neither.

I would like a better answer.

I'll work on that.

Okay, so I'm adjusting my expectations and I'm taking some damn downtime. I just watched a show. I don't need to be productive from 6 AM until 10 PM.

You do not.

I do not. And even though I'm going to turn this off and go do more stuff on my list, I am proud of myself for taking time on the couch to watch my show.

I was glad to see you watching a show.

I, I had to take a break and I have to listen to my body. Listen to your body. My body said go sit down. I can prevent mommy meltdowns if I listen to my body.

That's an excellent point. Okay, okay, so stop it before it starts, people.

Be aware of yourself. If I feel like I want to scream, that is a good indicator to go sit down and to just put the list away. Just put it away. We're always going to have a list. We're always going to have things to do. It's never ending. It's just how it is. It's the reality of the situation. I will tell you this, I have some advice on the list thing. I found a list, I found an old list. I was going through papers on the island to throw things out, and I found an old list, and I had done everything on the list. Everything. I was like, this is amazing, I did everything on this list. So I would say cross things out and celebrate that you crossed things out.

Yes.

In fact, we did not talk— oh, we're gonna talk about recovering from meltdowns. We are gonna talk about this. So we wanted to apologize to our wonderful husband if we had have had a meltdown. So I'm gonna tell Seth the difference right here. I want to teach him something.

Okay, I'm ready.

And I have taught him this many times, and it doesn't mean that it has sunk in.

Apparently not.

And it doesn't mean that I'm right. I still need to not do it.

Okay.

If I have a meltdown near him— yeah, I'm near him, it has nothing to do with him, I'm just near him physically— he takes it so personally.

I do indeed.

So personally. It has nothing to do with him. It is, he wasn't even home, he wasn't even home, I went non-stop all day, he wasn't home, I was working. I'm not putting you down for not being home. I'm saying, emphasizing the fact that I wasn't emphasizing that you weren't home because you weren't home for it to be your fault. You weren't even here.

It's usually right, but it showed up when I was here, right?

It's usually the youngest child or, or the list that I did for the day. It has nothing to do with him.

Well, can you tell me that next time?

But he's near, but I'm, I'm free. I'm— yes, I'm releasing near him. Yes. And he gets upset.

Well, duh, so you're being all upset.

So if we're upset, if we affect somebody, yes, apologize. Teach your children. So I will get mad at Lily. She's the perfect example. I'm not going to say I don't get mad at Max or Ella ever, but let's say I get mad at Lily. Let's say I don't like how I handled it, or I had, you know, a reaction near her. I can go back to her and I can say, I am so sorry. I need to take a deep breath, walk away, teach you how to handle stress. I didn't do a great job. I'm not perfect. We're all going to make mistakes, but I want to apologize to you for doing that. We want to teach them how to apologize, and we want to tell them a better way to handle it so that we're teaching while we're apologizing.

That's awesome.

But we don't want to make excuses. I'm not making an excuse. I shouldn't have yelled. I shouldn't have done whatever I did, and I need to tell her that, but I need to tell her what You know, and she will, she will say to me like things like, Mom, you need to slow down. So we know that she's learning because she's mimicking it back to me. So if I'm teaching her that I need to slow down and that I'm rushing too much, or if I'm teaching her that I need to take deep breaths and I'm breathing too fast, if I'm teaching her that I need to leave the room if I tell her this and then I show her this, then she's learning to do that with me too because she's mimicking my behavior.

Yes.

Um, you know, we could talk more about that another time.

Okay.

It's a— it's a— it's— I think it's improved. Yes, we hope.

Yes.

So I'm trying to teach her how to handle her stress because emotional resilience is like one of the emotional intelligence, emotional resilience. It's like the biggest thing we can teach them for life. So we've apologized, and I don't want us to like dwell and like stay in the guilt place of how we've handled something. We don't have to be perfect. We are human beings. Let's just refocus, you know, reset, refocus— all my R-E words that I love. And move on and have different energy. Okay, I'm gonna re-energize, I'm gonna refocus, and I'm gonna do better and move along, and don't dwell on it. So if I celebrate all day, I put myself in a better state. And I've talked about this before, we all need repetition. I need repetition. I'm teaching myself as I'm talking about things, so So all during the day I'm celebrating, "Oh, you made a good dinner." "Oh, you fit that in in between two things." "You got Lily to tumbling on time." "You remembered to send out the invitations." Like all the stuff that I'm getting done or doing or feeling, celebrate yourself. And I'm really good at celebrating my kids or my husband, you know, like I will tell my kids, "You did such a good job, I'm so proud of you." Well, tell it to yourself. So if we celebrate all day the little micro wins all day, we're putting ourselves in such a better state. And it's not, oh my God, I gotta do this, oh my God, I gotta do that. It's, wow, you did that great, let's go, you know, let's go take a break and then we're gonna do this. Like, excite yourself, celebrate yourself. You can put yourself in a good state. And I have to remember every single day that whatever I do is enough. I literally just said this to Lily.

She said it to me too yesterday.

I talked to you about this yesterday. Oh my God, he— the two of us, like attracts like. Seth and I are always trying to do more. What if Seth and I realize right this instant that we're enough with where we are right this second? And I love that Seth and I have goals Goals are great, but how about if we realize we're enough just right now?

That would be wonderful.

And I'm trying to teach that to my kids too.

Yep.

So when Lily's freaking out and wondering how she did on her math test, honey, I'm already proud of you. You worked so hard, you studied so hard, and your hard work and effort makes me so proud of you regardless of what grade you get. So set yourself up to already be proud of yourself because you put in so much effort. So you're enough, you're enough no matter— what are you doing? Is that the dog? That's the dog. So she's enough no matter what her grade is. You're enough no matter how your day went. Just, you know, learn from everything from the day. I learned a lot today. And I learned that driving around a lot, a lot, can take a toll on my body and your brain and my brain. And yeah, I'm a big mommy taxi. So June is a lot. June is intense. I'm gonna try to take lots of breaks, do lots of positive self-talk. I literally have a little over a week left of the chaos and July is not, you know, total relaxation. You know, my kids have stuff, but I think it's going to be easier than June. What do you think?

I do agree.

And I hope for lots of downtime at my pool. Yes, I'm hoping for that.

Sounds lovely.

So tell us how you are doing this June. Tell us how you handle your meltdowns. What have you— how have you uh, prevented them? How have you reset? Tell us how you're feeling. And, um, I'm very excited to tell you that this Friday, Seth and— Seth and Lily took over the podcast.

Podcast takeover!

So there is a new Winey Palooza parenting podcast every Friday, and This week is a Father's Day special, and I wasn't home when they recorded. I was at one of my millions of things this June, and I said, go at it, you don't need me, you two know what you're doing. And I believe Lily interviewed Seth, and Seth probably asked Lily some questions.

I did. She didn't. I didn't.

And I gave you a minimum time requirement, which you met.

We did, by 4 minutes.

Oh my God, he's so funny. So I have not listened to this yet, so I am—

do it with her.

I am waiting for it to be released on Friday. I'm very excited, and I am going to listen to it with all of you. So listen with me, let me know what you think. I bet you we're gonna learn from Seth and Lily.

I hope so.

And I dropped off the prize to the June challenge winner. I have a whiny palooza mom group on Facebook. It's a free supportive community. And for anyone who sees this who doesn't— maybe doesn't know who I am, I am a licensed social worker who has taken social work to a new age type of job. And there is a podcast, a blog, a vlog, a newsletter, and you can find books even from me on Amazon.

And all of that is at whinypalooza.com. Go find the link tree with all of Rebecca's free resources, sign up for the newsletter, and please help us help more moms. The way you can do that and help us increase our— help her increase her reach is by liking, sharing, commenting, and subscribing so that the algorithms on the social media platforms know to show it to more people.

Yeah, and we appreciate you joining us, and we will be back next week. Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, Please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.