Episode 468: Don't Ask If I'm Okay

Hello everybody, happy Winey Blues Wednesday!

No need to whine, it's Winey Blues Wednesday! Have some wine and join us on Winey Blues Wednesday with the Green Family.

I'm trying to get— trying to get your father in.

There we go, here's Father.

Okay, um, why does this— I'm on the wrong side.

Yes, yeah, we switched sides.

You need to move?

No, but I don't like where I am.

Why not?

I don't know, I just get used to things.

On the other side you can only see half her face. Now you get to see how beautiful she is.

Oh, that's not why, it's just like, it just feels funny. Anyways, we don't need to talk about me being on the wrong side.

Okay.

Ah, so I just built a beautiful balloon arc that I'm looking at.

Yep.

Purple and white goodness. How did I do?

You did great.

I'm getting my to-do list done for my daughter's bat mitzvah.

You're making progress.

Um, I knew this summer would be hard. I knew it would be intense. I don't think I realized how intense it would be. Um, there hasn't been much lazy time by the pool.

Nope.

I would like some lazy time by the pool.

I'll get some for you coming next week.

So we're going to talk about what's going on in the greenhouse.

Yep.

We're going to talk about Ella's wonderful Teenage Tuesday column. Ella writes a new column every Tuesday that you can find at wineinclusa.com. I write a new blog every Wednesday that you could find at wineinclusa.com. My blog this week is Don't Ask If I'm Okay. What is your column this week?

Sometimes We Hate Things.

Sometimes we hate things.

So should we start there?

Uh, sure. So I wrote about how hatred is inevitable, and a lot of times it's often because the things we hate reflect something we don't like in ourselves. So if we instead work on ourselves, we'll find that we hate things less.

So how did you discover that?

Thinking about it. I don't really know how else to describe it.

Do you have an example of something that you hate, that you didn't like about in yourself?

Sure, bugs. I use this example in the vlog. I hate bugs. That's because they trigger my jumpiness. That's an example of something I need to work on. That bug, that is the reason why I hate bugs.

And you don't like your jumpiness? Well, no. So it's just fascinating to me. You sound like a therapist's daughter when you talk. Which is pretty cool for me. And, you know, I think, you know, I don't like the word hatred. Like, I'm trying to go—

it seems pretty strong.

Like, I'm trying to go with it and learn from you. Like, I loved your column. I'm just curious why such a strong word.

Because it's a strong emotion.

I feel like there's a lot of things that I don't like. I don't think there's a lot of things that I hate.

My list would be really short if there's one.

I don't know if there's anything that I hate.

Well, I also feel emotions more intensely than you guys do. Do you? Because I am a 16-year-old girl.

Well, so there. You just told me.

And it was so smart of you earlier when I was like, "What the hell?" And you were like, "She's a teenage girl, Mom." Like, I remember what it was like to be a teenage girl. Seth thinks that I was popular and pretty and had it all together. And I told him I was insecure.

Well, the outward image that I saw from afar.

Okay, well, people, other people at school probably thought differently about me than what's inside of me. So what I said to Lily is, you can be pretty and popular, popular, and still be insecure, which is what I think she's dealing with. So I guess I need to dive into how I got more secure to help her.

That would be a good idea.

Yes. So that's another vlog. Stay tuned.

Yep.

So let's get back to— so I love Ella's column, I love her topic, I love learning from her, and I love hearing how her brain works. It's really fascinating to me. Um, Seth, how do— how are you feeling about it?

I think that is very insightful, and I have some introspection to do now.

Well, so if something is triggering you in your life See, now I'm gonna dive into what's triggering me because I have a couple triggers. If something is triggering you, it has to do with you. So what is it about the person that is making you feel triggered? It's probably something that you don't like about yourself. So I don't like when Lily is super controlling because I don't like when I'm like that. So I see myself in her.

Got it.

When she's acting super controlling, I'm like, oh my God, is this how I am? I don't like this about myself.

I didn't know that you didn't like it about yourself.

No, I don't want to be controlling. This whole delegating thing— oh my God, let's talk about delegating. So we're going to go back to the bat mitzvah, and then we're going to talk about college. So Lily's bat mitzvah— Lily's bat mitzvah is coming. We are— I am almost done with my to-do list. I don't know if I have— I don't know if I have anything left except setting up at the place. I might have party— I might have finished my home list, which I've been working on for hours and hours and hours now.

Every day.

Now, um, for those of you who may not know, Max, he had a big bash planned that got canceled because of COVID Max had a Zoom mitzvah on Zoom. Ella, um, we were still a little gun-shy. I was still a little gun-shy, and Ella just wanted something small. So we did a small party for her with, with her friends and a few family members, and it was awesome. And Ella's easy. And I mean, it was a tiny bit stressful, but I don't think I was stressed.

You were worried, oh my, what if they're gonna shut it down again? But because of COVID but it wasn't— you weren't stressed like this.

I was prepared emotionally because Max's bar mitzvah getting canceled was hard for me. So I prepared myself emotionally that I didn't know, like, if Ella's was canceled, I was like, well, then it gets canceled. Just be ready for anything. So I was more prepared for Ella's than Max's. And Ella's, we did, and it was fantastic.

Yeah, I loved my mom.

Um, and then fast forward to Lily's, and I was like, we did two, do we really need to do a third one? And Seth said yes. So for my husband, thank you. Um, I have been planning— oh, I have to go email the temple.

Focus.

Okay, I do have another task. I'm gonna email the temple after this. So, um, Seth asked me to please do this. He said, I am picking this, like, I'm not gonna bend on this. There, in marriage, my advice about marriage, I'm gonna do a little marital lesson here. Seth and I assess in a situation what means more to the other person. So something will come up like, um, I'm trying to think of a different example, but let's use the bat mitzvah. And I was like, I don't want to do it, I want to skip it. Like, I'm overwhelmed with life, like in a good way. I'm not saying my life is bad, I'm just saying I'm busy enough. So I like to try to like reduce my load. So I was like, let's not do it. And Seth was like, that's not an option. He's like, if you want to just do the service, we'll just do the service. But we're doing a bat mitzvah. So I could tell by the way he presented himself how much it meant to him.

Yes.

And that he wasn't gonna bend. And that if I, if I'm a good wife, like, if to show love to our partner, we want to give them what they want. So I don't want to take this away from him. So he wants Lily to have a bat mitzvah, so I want to give this to him. I didn't need to drive myself nuts with the party. I mean, that was my fault, but I did it for Seth and Lily. And Lily is way too invested in the details of the party. I said to Lily at dinner tonight, like, it's about your service. Like, this is what this is about. This is about reading from the Torah. This is about your service. This is about spending time with your family and friends. This is not about the details of your party. Because what did she say to me at dinner? That she wanted flowers attached to the balloon ark. And I was like, like, the amount of— it's not about the details. Like, I really am trying to get— like, she has a certain aesthetic that she wants the room to look like. She wants lots of flowers, she wants lots of decorations, and she's like driving me a little crazy, if I'm gonna be honest here. So Lily has been my stress level. Um, I am trying to let it blow off of me. I am trying to remember what this is really about. I'm I am trying to put things into perspective. I would say that for the first time today, I let something she said roll off of me.

Wow.

So I think that I need to like not take everything she says to heart, not take everything so seriously, and just kind of like move past it and ignore things if I want to ignore things. And it's going to be beautiful, and I need to not let her stress me out. But I'm going to tell you, I have let her stress me out. So I want everybody to learn from me, and I want to learn from me. That we need to not take everything our kids say so seriously.

Yes. Now, why shouldn't I ask you if you're okay? There's the title.

Yeah, well, I'm not— I haven't been so okay.

I think it's dumb. I think if you have to ask someone, if you're thinking about asking someone, are you okay, you probably know that they're not.

I really hate— okay, so everybody knows that you use the word.

You said I really hate Oh, I do.

See, I do.

I did find something.

I, I really dislike—

there you go—

when people ask me if I'm okay. I don't like when Seth asks me that. If Seth is asking me if I'm okay, if Ella's asking me if I'm okay, I'm probably not feeling so okay.

Um, so what should we ask instead?

What can I do? How are you feeling?

Um, how, how are you feeling? Anything I can do to help? I love Ella. You walk in the room, you're like your father. The two of you walk in the room and you'll say to me, "Anything I can do to be helpful?" And I feel the stress melt off of me when the two of them say that. She walked into the family room, I was making the balloon arc, and she says, "How can I help? What can I do?" And I was like, "Oh, you can hand me balloons." Okay, so I don't want anybody to ask me if I'm okay. I'm not okay. Um, so Max is leaving for college soon. I'm trying not to cry. I can't even talk about it.

Susan Liebert says, way to go, Seth and Ella! Thank you.

Oh, she's so sweet. I love her. So, okay, so as far as the title of the blog this week, people are asking me if I'm okay. The answer is no. I will be okay. I will adjust to the changes happening in the greenhouse. Max is leaving for college soon. Um, hugs back to our wonderful pediatrician. We have the best pediatrician on the planet. So, um, Max is leaving for college soon. Everybody knows, everybody's asking me about it. It's topic of conversation everywhere I go. I'm not upset with you for bringing it up. I think it's kind. I think it's loving. I think you're worried about me. Just don't ask me if I'm okay. I am not okay. I cry every single day, but I know I'm going to be okay. Max and I will adjust. I want my son to go to college, adjust, take good care of himself, and tell me how much he loves it. That is what I am putting out to the universe. That is what I want to see happen. I'm gonna miss him. I can't talk about it.

It's okay to cry, Mom.

Yes.

I don't want to cry because I don't want to ruin my mascara and then it gets all over my face. So, Tate, priorities, people. So Tayton texted me today and she goes, waterproof mascara. Tayton, I'm not gonna wear any mascara. Um, and she said bring tissues, so we have to remember tissues, uh, for the bat mitzvah? No, for moving Maxie.

Oh, college drop-off.

Yes, got it.

That too.

Okay, so my advice— so a lot of times what I say to myself when I'm feeling dazed and confused and lost, what if I can— I can always give the advice, can I take the advice? What advice would I give to another mom in my shoes? Okay, so should we, should we give the advice?

Yes.

Okay, so I tell myself every day, almost all day, to stay present. Why do you miss your son when he's in the kitchen right now? He's here. Be present. Enjoy that he's here. Be excited. When I'm excited for Max, I am in good spirits. Like, he got into his dream school, people. Like, this is like big stuff. Stuff. Ella's wearing the shirt. Um, I don't think we could be happier for him. If I can stay there, then I'm much more okay. Um, building some time with Max. I just told Max I want to go to the creek with him. He's been going to the creek. Um, tell myself it's okay to be sad. I fight the tears, like, don't resist, just cry. I don't want to cry right this moment.

You can cry later, but you schedule it. Put on your to-do list.

I love you, honey.

Um, I can decide to enjoy the bat mitzvah tasks. I made an appointment with myself at 6 AM sitting here on this couch that I was going to make the balloon ark tonight after dinner, and I was going to enjoy it, right? So I put on my—

did a great job.

I keep looking at it. It's purple and white, and I think I did a good job.

You did a great job.

So anyways, that's what I was just doing, and, um, I made an appointment to enjoy it. So enjoy the tasks, don't dread the tasks. Like, I made a photo album for the bat mitzvah, and I enjoyed looking at all the pictures. So like, make it enjoyable and don't like dread all the tasks. I did dread the seating chart. So if you're watching this and you're coming We did our best. It was not easy, and I'm gonna tell you, I had an SOS out to my mother. So I called—

did save the day.

I called my mother and I was like, can you please just come do the seating chart? I had started it, I was stuck. She came over, she put her dinner on hold. I'm sorry, Mom. She came over, she did the seating chart in like 5 minutes, figured it all out, and I was like, this is why you need your mother.

Marlene saved the day.

It doesn't mean that it's perfect. There's a couple things I mean, I am sorry. We did our best. We tried so hard to please everybody. Seating charts suck. Part of me wasn't even going to do a seating chart. I was like, maybe I just don't do one. But, um, the seating chart I did dread. So, um, so I was just gonna say to ask for help. I did have a couple SOSs out to my mother. What was the last one?

The seating chart?

No, before the seating— before the seating chart, there was another one that she came over to help with. Um, I don't remember. Hold on, let me think. What was the last thing I needed her for? There's been a couple decorations. There's been a few mother conversations. Um, there have been a few mother phone calls is what I meant, of please come over. And she's like, how can I help? And I'm like, I'm so sorry, but I need— I do need you to come over. Um, you know, she works all day. I hate to bother her after work. But my mom said, I'm so excited for the bat mitzvah. And I was like, I am so wrapped up in my to-do list. How about some excitement?

Yes.

Like Lily said today, I'm so excited. And I said to myself, get excited. Yes. Like, this is gonna be fun. We're gonna be with our family and our friends, and it's gonna be a good time. And I wanna go back to delegating. I really suck at delegating. So my friend Megan is really good at photos. Now, can she go through 12 years of photos and print photos? No. Can I print the photos, give her the photo boards, give her the pictures? She would have done the photo boards for me. She keeps asking me how she could help. Emma keeps asking me how she can help. Nikki, Marcy, Liz, like like there's wonderful friends in my life. Kristen at work is like, what else can I do? Kristen made the invitations and the, um, signs and the thank you cards. Claire is doing a candy table and she did the favors and she's brought me some supplies. And Claire keeps asking how she can help. Like, it is a talent to delegate, and I am telling you, us mothers have to be less controlling and we need to delegate and it makes our life more sane. So I will tell you that when I started this blog, I was not okay. That is why I titled it Don't Ask Me If I'm Okay. But I felt old school and then I was pouring my feelings out into the blog and I was feeling better getting it out. So I'm going to tell you I felt more okay after I wrote this and I'm gonna tell you, write it down, talk to someone, don't hold it inside. Because when I hold it inside, I feel worse. And when I talk to people, and when I ask for help, and when I vent it out on paper, those are ways that I feel better. So, um, there's a lot of mothers sending their kids away to college in August, and I would say some of the mothers might be excited, some of the mothers might be okay, but I would say the majority of the mothers are not okay. So don't ask us if we're okay. Just know that we need love, we need support. We will adjust, we will be okay, right?

Amen.

Oh, that was a lot to get out. You did it. I, I got it out. I was dreading tonight because I don't like appointments to cry, and I was worried about me crying through this topic. So I want to tell you, this topic is going to continue on Friday. I interviewed the fabulous Laura Brand about sending her kids to college. She has sent 2 kids off to college. She sent me her supply list of everything that she— see, I asked for help and she sent me her list. Um, she sent me her list of everything she bought for her boys for their dorm rooms. I interviewed her about sending her kids off, and I think you're gonna find her super helpful. I found her super helpful. I learned things. I learned that— and every school is different, but one of the things that she taught me is, we're gonna pull up, there's gonna be a bunch of people there to help us freshman year, and I don't know that sophomore year there's going to be anyone there to help us. So I never would have thought of that, so I was glad that she brought that up. But she taught me so many things, and I loved talking to her, and she's my dear friend, and I appreciate her. And she sent me links to buy things. So I am going to complete all of my bat mitzvah tasks, and then I'm going to get back to the list to prepare Max to go to college. So that is what's going on in the greenhouse this summer. Ella's busy with her internship. There's lots going on.

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Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

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