Episode 472: Hello Anxiety, Old Friend

Hello everybody, happy Winey Flues Wednesday! Are you not singing? Okay, she's not singing. Ella and I just went on a long walk, and so the frizzy hair is because we were outside in this humidity, and I had a lovely walk with you.

I did too.

We were listening to Taylor Swift on New Heights. On the New Heights podcast, and we got through about an hour. We're about halfway through. It's a 2-hour podcast, so we have another hour to go.

But did you learn anything?

Um, what did we learn from Taylor?

It was a lot about like her thoughts on the tour, her thoughts on getting her Masters back, what she's been— and what she's been doing since the tour.

Okay, so there's a couple notes that I want to make. So as I was— as I listened to Taylor, I'm always taking notes. So I'm like, what can I learn from Taylor? Because Taylor is so successful. Taylor and Travis are so successful. So I'm the type of person, if you— if I think that you have stuff to offer me, if I think that you're really successful, then I want to learn from you. So what did I learn in the first half of the podcast? Um, I learned that I didn't realize the recovery that the two of them do after a game or a concert. There's a lot of recovery time. They compare like stories about what do they do to recover, like acupuncture, like what did she say, an acupuncture mat?

She had an acupuncture mat. I think she taped her ankles.

Travis or who's—

Jason.

Jason was like, tape your ankles. So she was talking about heels and trying to wear heels and, you know, she was saying, I don't get hit, but I have to wear heels, and I have to be in amazing shape because I'm not an athlete, so I have to train for it, and I have to get my cardio up. So she has a really strong work ethic, and that you also have to learn, which I want my husband to take note of, and I'll tell you why. You have to learn how to recover from something really hard. So Seth had a really intense Krav test that he passed, and he got his third-degree black belt, and we're so proud of him. But like, we needed— Seth and I needed to do research and find out, okay, how do you then recover from that many hours of Krav? So that's what— if I could go back, I would have done research for him, and I would have learned of ways to take care of him after his test.

Okay, we could have a separate conversation about all the things I did do to recover, like getting a massage, going to chiropractic appointments.

You did, you did.

Yes, you did. It just wasn't enough.

You did. You're right, I'm giving you no credit.

Thank you.

Okay, so I will—

you know other things.

I will continue to listen to Travis and Taylor, and if I learn significant stuff, I will certainly write about it or talk about it. So one of the things that I want to talk to Ella about— so Ella is doing a Teenage Tuesday column every Tuesday. You can find it at winnieplousa.com and go read it. And this week it was called Conquer.

You can conquer.

You can conquer.

I can conga. I can conga.

That's from like third grade.

I remember.

It's a conga beat. So Ella was talking about anxiety, and I'm gonna have you start and then I will piggyback, but tell everybody what you learned and taught and shared in your column?

So I learned that really the best thing about getting over anxiety is to realize that everything is a chance to learn, no matter what the outcome is, you always learn something from it. So everything is a gift, even if it makes you anxious. And what helps me calm down is realizing that everything is an opportunity to just learn and no matter what, we're gonna learn. And then I also talked about the fact that if you're anxious about something, doing something again, or something you've done before, you can just either learn from your other experience or use either the same methods you used to get through it the first time in order to truly, um, get over your anxiety and to be successful.

So I'm going to add to that because I read your column and then I wrote about anxiety further. So, um, I want Ella and I to communicate because I think there are a lot of topics that we can do a teenager mom perspective, and I think we can piggyback and help even more because we can have it done from a teenager perspective and we can have it done from a mom perspective. So Ella wrote about anxiety, and when she was talking about her anxiety in her column, she said you know, I started to get nervous because she's taking 5 AP classes in the fall, in the junior year. She said, I started to get nervous about my 5 AP classes, so I went back and looked at my grades to reassure myself that I could do it. So she was reassuring herself, and the reason why I'm emphasizing that word is because I took that word and ran with it because I had just done the same exact thing to myself. So I wanted to continue the conversation in Winey Clues Wednesday so you can go read my blog about anxiety, and I, and I called it Hello Anxiety, Old Friend, and I want to tell you why I called it that. But I'm going to tell you my experience with my reassurance because it's, it's a little different than yours, but we did the same exact thing. So I woke up. So first I want to teach everybody because this has calmed my nervous system. Just the awareness and knowing this has been so helpful to me. Your cortisol levels are the highest in the morning when you wake up. So when you wake up with the— and you're like, oh, I feel anxious— there's, there's a couple of reasons that that happens. There's actually 3 reasons that that happens to me. Number 1 is that I was in a deep sleep and I'm coming out of my sleep Number 2 is my cortisol levels are high. Number 3 is what was I dreaming about? Okay, so those are 3 reasons why maybe I wake up like that. Maybe I think that I missed my alarm. There's times that I think that and I wake up like that. It's the best when I wake up calm, but it was so nice to learn that my cortisol levels are the highest in the morning because—

I did not know this. This was really helpful for me.

Yeah, yeah, it explained a lot. So I woke up with that, and I was like, okay. I was like, you know what this is. I was like, hello. I was like, hello, anxiety. I know what this is. And I was like, why? I got curious, okay? So I didn't write about that. So I got curious, why do you feel anxious right now? Well, you're gonna drop your son off at college on Monday. Maybe that is why you feel anxious. And I was like, yeah, you know, having a conversation with myself in my head. Yeah, that's why you're feeling anxious. And And then the, then the self-talk took over. And I can't emphasize to you enough that self-talk is so important. And I started to talk to myself, and I was like reassuring myself. And I was like, you know, Max has dreamed about this. I'm gonna try not to cry because I'm so proud of him. Max has dreamed about this for 4 years. This is the school he wanted to go to. He worked his buns off to go. He couldn't be more excited. You're so excited for him. This is where he needs to be. Like, there's no other place that you want him to be. This is a new chapter for him. He is capable. He can do this. And you're gonna see him. So do you see how this conversation went? So I could have taken it in so many different directions, and I could have gone in a direction that made me super anxious, and I might have had to like run down to my husband who was downstairs and be like, you have to calm me down. But I didn't. I calmed myself down. With my fantastic self-talk. So now every time I tear up about Max leaving, I'm like, you're— it's normal, you know, normalize it. It is so normal to feel this way. But I, I embrace the excitement, and the excitement is making this such an enjoyable experience because I'm so freaking excited for him and my family. Has labeled nervusited, which has helped me tremendously because maybe I'm nervous, maybe I'm anxious, but I'm excited and it can feel very similar. And I could be like, I'm so excited! So there's like anxiety mixed with excitement. So if I label it differently, I feel differently. So I wanted to piggyback on Ella and share that she successfully reassured herself and I successfully reassured myself. And then I wanted to go deeper because I was like, okay, you're getting better at this anxiety, so let's like debrief together. Let's go sit at the computer and let's debrief so that you can do it again and you can repeat it. And why were you so successful with your anxiety? Well, I noticed that I didn't fight it. I did not resist. I didn't fight it. I just said, oh, hello, you're, you're an old friend showing up. I, I know who you are. You've been coming around since I was tiny. I remember feeling anxious in like, um, I don't know, elementary school. So I'm like, okay, I know what this is. I'm just gonna allow it to happen. I'm gonna recognize it. I'm gonna allow it, and I'm going to figure out why am I feeling this way.

Do you feel like when you welcome versus resist, that de-escalates it?

Oh my god. So when we resist a feeling, any feeling, it gets bigger because it's like, you will acknowledge me.

It's like, right, right.

It's like when you have a feeling and you're like, stop, I don't want to feel this way. Yeah, that's not fair. Like, how about, hey self, like, be your own friend. So pretend you're having a conversation with your friend. I'm my own friend. Hey, how— what's going on? You know, my friend is all upset. What's going on? Talk to me. Why are you feeling this way? We don't tell our friend, you won't be upset. I don't say that to my friends. I don't say that to my husband or my daughter. I'm so kind to everybody else. And I say to Ella, what's going on? How come you're feeling so upset today? And we have a conversation. So do it with yourself. Hey, self, you seem to be having a rough day today. You seem a little down. What's going on? You know, so you're allowing yourself to have the feeling, you're getting curious about it, you're not judging yourself, you're just like, don't judge it, just allow it to happen and get curious. Like, why am I cranky today? Well, you're cranky today because your dog was up at 4 AM with the thunderstorm keeping you up shaking because he's afraid of thunder. So maybe you're a little tiny bit cranky today. That's normal, right? So then I say to myself and others, anyone in your shoes would feel the same way. A mom just messaged me something, and if I could remember what it was, I would tell you. And my response to her was, if I was you, I would feel the exact same way. So don't you think that she felt so good hearing that and was like, oh, thank you, Rebecca, that makes me feel so much better, I'm not alone? Any mother would feel this way. Okay, so let's make sure that I told you all my pointers. We talked about allowing it, not resisting it, recognizing it, normalizing it, the self-talk. Oh, look back at proof. Okay.

Ella doing that was really smart.

Okay, so Ella looked at her report card to reassure herself. She had like 100 in every class. That she is really freaking smart and can handle this, okay? Her mother going, "5 AP classes, really? That's not helpful, that's not helpful." I could be more helpful. What I need to say is, "Ah, you can do it, you're super smart." [Speaker] Should be easy for ya. [Speaker] No big deal. Okay, so when you're feeling anxious about something, I want us to look for proof. I want us to look for proof that we can handle hard things. So give me an example of something we would feel anxious about.

Upcoming test.

Okay, I love that.

How about ACTs?

I love that.

So say that one.

See, there you go.

So let's say—

tapping on you, tap, tap, tap.

Okay, so let's say that Lily—

we're going to use 36, 36, sorry.

Okay, so we're— Max and Ella have a ton of practice taking tests. They get awesome grades. They're really good test takers. Ella can reassure herself, I'm a good test taker, I have proof I can do it. Okay, so Lily had to learn what a final exam was. She had to learn about— oop, I lost an earring. She had to learn about test-taking and different kinds of test-taking, and she had to learn how to study. And there was a lot of things that Lily had to learn, but now she has learned so much and so many study skills. Now when she gets super anxious for a test, we have talked about things to tell herself, such as, I've done this before, I've done a good job before, I can do this, I can do hard things, I know that I'm strong. So we've talked about how it feels to be anxious in a test and things that we can say that can make it worse and things that we can say to make it better. So when your kids bring something to you that makes them anxious, you want to talk it through with them and help them see that they're capable and they can handle it. And every time that we're anxious and we do something, we're showing ourselves proof that we can handle it. And every time we're anxious and we run away we make the anxiety bigger. So looking for proof, reassuring yourself. Oh, and the other thing is I don't like sit and wallow in my anxiety. Like, I'm not telling you to ignore it or to push it under the rug, but I'll move on with my day, you know, like it was morning, I had a million things to do. I didn't sit upstairs and wallow in my anxiety. I moved along with my day. And was totally fine. So I would just say get active. Even like, we just went for a walk. I feel so much better. What about you?

Emotion. Yes, motion beats meditation for emotion.

Well, and it's meditative. You and I have talked about this, Seth. It's meditative to me to walk. It clears, clears my mind.

Well, that's also part of just getting outside and changing your physiology.

Oh my God, the difference between walking outside and walking on the treadmill is amazing. Like, Ella was talking about how much she loves the winter, and I was like, I hear you, you think the snow is pretty and you like the cold, but not driving in it yet or shoveling it. But for me, like, I want to walk outside every day, and walking outside in the winter is the hardest for me because it's so icy. So I'm not a fan. I like that I can walk outside right now and not be freezing. In fact, it was a little chilly on our walk tonight, and it got dark earlier.

Okay then.

So that is my and Ella's little supportive talk about anxiety. Um, do you have any questions, either of you, about anxiety while we're on the subject?

I think some of my takeaways were it's— your cortisol levels are naturally higher when you wake up, which I did not think about because that's always— that's normally when I have the biggest issue.

Yeah.

Um, I liked your pointers about not resisting, about welcoming, about treating it like a friend, about being curious. Um, not judging it, all of that is really helpful.

Well, and the other thing that I was thinking when I was writing, and I didn't write this in my blog, is that there's always a reason for it. Like, what— why is it there? Is it protecting me from something? So I have learned from a million therapists, I have talked to so many therapists at this point. It's pretty remarkable how many therapists I've gotten to talk to. And you can scroll through my podcast and see hundreds of episodes with therapists. But, um, you know, they have talked to me about the biology of the brain, and the reason for anxiety stems from— you and I have talked about this— saving us from dangerous situations, right?

There's just no saber-tooth tiger anymore. Now it's a social media post or a kid turning the chapter.

So when you feel that, you know, fight or flight response, that is biology from when we had to fight or flight something that was causing us danger back in the day. So our brains haven't really evolved from that for some reason. You would think after all this time—

well, we pretty much paused evolution.

Okay, how did we do that?

Well, because not having things doesn't kill you anymore.

I'm going to show our little guest. Let's see if we can show her. Faithy, we have a little guest. You've never been on the podcast before. We also have a fish upstairs. We've talked about Peter.

We have talked about the fish.

Peter's doing really well. We were also told to everyone who has told me that he needs a friend. We were told by a fish expert at the store that he does not need a friend and that he's very happy by himself. Um, whatever, we're not getting another fish. It is what it is. Max is leaving and the fish is in Max's room and the fish is really Max's. So this is an issue. Uh, Max has taken over care for the fish and the fish likes Max and knows Max and is in Max's room. So we have some work to do with this fish now that Max is leaving.

Yes.

Um, I think we're moving it, so that's for another day.

Yeah.

Uh, we welcome your topic requests, especially something that Al and I could both cover, so feel free to request anything. And, um, oh, do you know who's on the podcast? No, but if you go on YouTube and you look up Winey Palooza, I saw that it was scheduled to air Friday at 9 AM.

Okay, well, let me see if I can do that. And while I'm looking that up really quick quickly. Everyone should go to whineypalooza.com, find Rebecca's Linktree with all of her amazing free resources, sign up for all of them including the newsletter, and make sure to like, comment, share, rate, review, and subscribe. Because if you do that, then you will tell the algorithms at the social media and podcasting platforms to share her content with more people. Um, if we're talking about episode 471, that's amazing. It premieres August 15th, and that is Rock Your Purpose with Vitality.

Yes! Does it say who the guest is? That is such a good title.

Um, it is a great title. No, it does not on YouTube say who it is yet because it hasn't come out yet. But congratulate for it. We're gonna have to do something special because you're gonna hit 500 episodes really soon. Oh my God, that is amazing, honey.

Oh my God. What? 500 episodes?

What are we doing for 500 weeks?

I want a cake.

You want a cake? I will get you a cake. You can even pick it out, the flavor that you want.

I wonder if I can get an orange chocolate cake. I wonder if—

It doesn't have to be double chocolate like Lily gets.

I wonder if that Muscarelle's would do an orange chocolate cake for me.

And it could say happy 500.

500! Who's gonna party with me? Maybe we have people over, do a live episode, and, and do something. We've got to do something for 500. That's amazing. So I've interviewed so many wonderful women, almost 500 people, and they're all— all the episodes are coming out every Friday. And at Winey Palooza, at Winey Palooza Mom, um, yes, the Facebook group. It's a supportive group for moms, but you don't have to be a mom to be a part of it. We just had our August challenge and Leslie McKnight won.

Yay, Leslie!

I don't necessarily think that she's around to get her prize yet, but we will get her her prize.

She's dropping her daughter off at college.

Um, I think so. Yeah, it's about that time. We're all dropping our kids off at college. So if you are dropping your kids off at college, you are not alone. If it's your first time, it is also our first time, so we know how you're feeling. And if it is your second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth 6th time, then you're a pro. Share some tips with us. I feel like, um, I don't know, honey, are you— I feel like we're gonna be okay. You gonna be okay?

I have not made an emotional appointment in advance.

Okay, so I'm planning on being okay. I feel okay. So do you remember that blog that I wrote, Don't Ask Me If I'm Okay? Yes. I had a rough July emotionally, um, planning— I think planning my daughter's bat mitzvah on top of packing ordering stuff for Max and dealing with the emotions of both was too much for me to compute. And July was a hard month for me. It's usually my favorite month. It was not my favorite month, and I cried a lot from, from stress and emotions. And August has been a better month for me, and I feel better emotionally. I think it's the weight of the bat mitzvah being off of me, and I think that I have moved from sadness to excitement and and if I live in the excited peace place, yes, then I'm good, then I'm totally emotionally good. So hopefully I can hold it together for my son. I have warned him that if I cry, I'm still super excited for him and I still want him to do this. Yeah, I don't want to hold him back because we don't want to be so sad that our kids don't want to go. I'm just telling moms this, we don't want to hold our kids back. So do I want my kids in town going to UB down the street? Of course I do. Do I want to give them the best opportunities I possibly can? Yes. So I'm not going to make them go down the street to UB even though I want to. Um, and I'm excited for this next chapter, and we will report back to you how it goes. I'm hoping for super good reports from Max. I, I'm going to give another piece of advice before we go. Don't do this. This is something that I have been doing that I don't recommend, that I have stopped doing. There's lots of posts from moms on all of the dorming college stuff on Facebook, and I started reading about homesick kids. And don't do that because it was making me really worried and really sad. So I don't need that. Emotionally I don't need that. I'm going to live in my son's story, I'm going to see how it goes for him, and I'm going to help him through whatever he needs. Hope— I'm hoping that he— I would love for him to remember to call me, I would love for him to want to see me, but if he is too busy for me or he forgets about me, I'm not going to be upset because that means he's having a good time.

Yep.

Right?

Right.

So anything else that you guys want to share?

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Thank you for joining us. Um, we will be back next week to report how drop-off went. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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