Episode 476: What we Focus on – College Edition

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

How's everybody doing?

Are you whining on Winey Palooza Wednesday?

I'm very whiny.

We're gonna talk about that.

How are you doing?

Uh, this second?

Mm-hmm.

This second, I'm doing good.

How is Ella doing?

Good.

Ella's fine. Ella isn't fazed. She is the least affected. She's definitely the least affected of the 4 of us.

Yes.

Right?

Right.

So we're going to start with talking about Dear Freshmen. You can go to whinyblues.com and read Ella's Teenage Tuesday column every Tuesday, and this Tuesday it was Dear Freshmen. So why don't you tell them about your column?

So this is essentially my letter to freshmen. I wrote it after orientation because I saw a lot of the freshmen there And in summary, what I said is: you're surrounded by people who want to help you, utilize them. High school is what you make of it. Don't put yourself in boxes, you can do anything. And when it feels like the world is ending, that's actually where it begins.

That's a really good line.

When the world's ending, that's where it begins?

Yeah.

Okay.

Or on the other side of your breakdown is your breakthrough.

Right.

Can you go through those again? One at a time. What's the first one?

You're surrounded by people who want to help you. Utilize them. Everyone around you just wants to help you. No one's out here scouting freshmen. Freshman Friday is not a thing. If you're at my school, you know that every year the freshmen get scared about Freshman Friday and it never happens.

Okay, what's the second thing?

Uh, high school is what you make of it.

You better price the lights.

True. Yeah, that's good.

You have to put in the work to get out the good results.

Garbage in, garbage out.

Yeah. You're not too cool for anything. Do everything, uh, which goes into don't put yourself in boxes. Don't limit yourself.

Yeah, you should try Broadcast Club or Math Club.

You should. And in the words of our musical director Bobby, he makes us do push-ups every time we say can't in rehearsal because we're not supposed to negate ourselves.

And you shouldn't use the word can't. I love it.

Yes, because you can do anything.

Yes, you can.

I think your only limits are your mind.

I think one of the best things we can do as parents is encourage our kids to join things.

Yep. Oh, I'm not— what my wristband says, whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.

Absolutely. And find your thing. High school is the perfect time to do that.

If you don't find your thing, that's okay too.

I'm in a phase with, with Lily, with Lily, where I really want Lily to try whatever she wants and see, because I feel like she's at the age where you're trying things and figuring out what your thing is. So you got to try a lot of things to figure out what your thing is. Absolutely.

You have to try a bunch of things to find the thing.

Well, and I was talking to a mother about sports, and we love our kids to play a bunch of sports, but you can only pick one for college. So I was talking to her about how it's great that her daughter is trying so many different sports, but if she wants— she's very athletic— and if she wants to continue into college, at some point she has to pick her favorite one. So I think it's a good time to experiment and see what you like, right?

Especially by college, you mean like a Division I college scholarship?

Yeah, I'm talking Division I. Yes, I'm talking this—

you would not be playing 3 different D1 sports.

I would imagine you pick one. Yeah, so this girl is very athletic, and I bet you one day we'll hear about her going D1, going to a D1. So anything else?

When it feels like the world is ending, that's actually where it begins. I have a story with this I did not share. When I didn't make the musical my freshman year, I thought my life was over and I sucked, but I clearly don't suck. I just had to find journalism, which now I'm making my own path. That is definitely a better one for me.

Awesome. There's always a silver lining.

Yes. So every door closed leads to an open one.

Well, and it's always interesting to me, like I said to Ella when she doesn't get something, my latest thought to her is, well, that's not where your focus is supposed to go. So when she doesn't get what she wants and it leads her to something else, her focus is supposed to be going to the something else, and something else might end up being even better. When I was driving When I'm driving by myself, I have like the best thoughts. Seth and I have talked about this. If you have like a long commute or you spend a lot of time in the car, it is a great place to think about things. So Ella hadn't made the musical freshman year, which like floored us because she's done musicals since she was tiny. And like, I was bawling in the car by myself because Ella was upset. And the message that came to me was that she was supposed— she was being directed to something else.

And I like that something else better.

It just came to me. It was like she's, she's supposed to be redirected. And I was like, okay, this is totally redirection. So anyways, if one door closes, another one opens. Yes, I love that you added that in, and I love that you see I see that. And going into junior year, um, what do you think has made you so successful? Do you have any advice?

Um, I worked really hard. I worked really hard to be as smart as I am. I worked really hard to be as involved as I am.

I put in the effort. I'm just getting something.

Okay.

Mom is getting a visual aid.

I'm getting a visual aid. I gotta put it on. I got to sparkle it. So I have obviously been sad, and my friend Jamie came over and gave me this very pretty wine bottle with grape purple grapes on it. Look at how pretty this is to cheer in the bottle.

So you can't actually put wine in it to cheer me up. It's pretty, it's a pretty decoration. If you wrap the lights out around the outside, then And then you can put wine, glowing wine on the inside.

Well, it is beautiful and it, and she came over to cheer me up. So thank you, Jamie. Um, thank you for thinking of me. Winey Palooza Wednesday has a new decoration.

Winey.

I need, I need like a whole table behind us with all my wine glasses and like, I need to like set up a whole shelf with all my Winey Palooza stuff.

So propaganda.

Thank you, Jamie.

Get your books and your wine glasses.

So, okay, so we're gonna shift to what we focus on, my college edition. I have done this before, I have done this title before about just like focusing on, um, you know, training our brain to focus on what we want to focus on versus letting it go down a rabbit hole. So I did a college edition because, you know, I have to work on myself, I have to practice what I preach, and I'm also very uncomfortable being sad. Like, I don't like to wallow. I don't like a pity party. I don't like to be sad. I am— I would say I'm a happy person.

You are a happy person.

I would say— I would say that there's a dark cloud over Seth and I, and I would say we're bringing each other down and we're not really lifting each other up, wouldn't you say?

Well, now I feel bad.

I do. I I don't want you to feel bad.

I think that you told me that you like all the stuff you don't want people to say, so I don't know what's left.

Okay, so let's talk about what I don't want people to say, right?

I don't want to say the wrong thing.

Oh my God, people, do you know me?

And some of these things you might think were logical, good advice that might work for other people, they just don't work for my wonderful wife.

What is not helpful? You gave them wings. Okay, let's cut the wings.

That's just illogical.

This is what they are supposed to do. Oh my God, like, where's the empathy? Um, this is what stage you are in. Basically, this is what stage you're in, deal with it. Um, not helpful. Healthy birds fly the nest. I am so tired of hearing that expression. That's not helpful. Um, somebody said that that expression was really helping them through this. I don't find it helpful. Do you find that helpful?

Well, nobody's giving me advice. They're giving it all to you.

Well, you're not asking for it.

I'm at work. Okay, who am I supposed to be asking for advice?

Okay, so what is helpful for you? What is helpful for me?

Or maybe you watching will resonate with some of us.

Um, One of my favorite lines that mothers have said to me is, "What you're feeling is normal." When we normalize things for people, it usually makes them feel better. Like they're not abnormal, what they're going through is normal, it's okay. It's like permission. It's like takes the air out of it because it's like, yeah, this is okay. It's hard for me too. Like, people who are empathizing and understanding and are like, I'm struggling too. And my friend texted me this really long, beautiful text, and she had some really good lines that I hope she's okay with me sharing. I'm not disclosing, I'm just giving some lines without Yes.

We're not quoting that person.

Not quoting. Our kids always feel connected to us even when they aren't with us. And that made me cry because that's beautiful. They will always rely on you for love and support, and they will always need their mom. Those are like such sweet, helpful things. Saying things like— how did that get turned the wrong way again?

What are you talking about? What are you looking at?

The cat tree, I think.

I didn't know that was the right way.

Yeah, I just realized it's the wrong way. Focus, focus, focus, focus, focus. So I just think that saying things like we're supposed to give our kids wings, they're supposed to do this, you want them to be doing this. Um, we went to the orthodontist and he sat down with me. The orthodontist sat down with me and talked to me for a while. It was very sweet of him. And he was telling me all about his kids, and he was like, well, we don't want them living in our basement. True.

Excellent point. Is that helpful?

I don't know.

Is that not helpful?

I was like, you know, I think that it's such a stigma that it's— we were talking about how it's very unsuccessful to have your kids living— it feels unsuccessful to have your kids living in your basement.

Um, well, for the record, he wouldn't be in the basement. He'd still be in his room upstairs.

He'd be in his bedroom.

Nobody would want to— no kid would want to live in our basement.

I am going to say, if Max was in his bedroom commuting to UB, I would still feel successful. I would not feel unsuccessful.

What about you?

I, I would— so my attitudes have changed a lot in the last 2 weeks, as you know. 2 weeks ago, I would have said, okay, but he's forgive me, better than that and bound for bigger things than that. As of today, um, I would still feel that way. However, I would, I would enjoy the fact that he was still home because I didn't know how much I would miss him. However, I would want— I wonder if I would be sad— happy that he's home and then sad that he didn't get to take advantage of more opportunities. I don't know.

I had no idea Seth was gonna be sad. I am totally thrown for a loop. I thought Seth was gonna be fine. I thought Ella was gonna be fine. I thought Lily and I were gonna be sad. That was my prediction. I was like, Lily and I are gonna be sad, Seth and Ella are gonna be fine. That's what I thought.

I thought I was gonna be fine too because I never thought through what happens. I was all just focused on getting him in, getting him there. Get— I never thought after drop-off how I would feel. And if you had asked me to think about it, I never would have predicted that I would have been this sad. I had no idea I was going to miss him this much.

So what's helpful? What is helping me change my mindset? What am I doing for myself every day? I am not just crying because that is not helpful. Do I think that we need to fight our feelings? No, but I do think we need to pay attention to what we're thinking. And is what I'm thinking helping me or hurting me? So I realize that this isn't the end of parenting, it's just different. I'm still parenting 2 and a half hours.

There's no such thing as an end.

I mean, my mom is still parenting me, I'll tell you that, and I'm okay with that. I don't expect her to stop being my mother, right?

And you still ask questions, and I do still ask questions.

And I, you know, like, Ella's so funny. She's like, do you talk to your mom every day? And I'm like, yep, I do. I talk to my mom every day. And so anyways, I— it's not the end. This is just— it just looks different. I'm still parenting him. I'm still talking to him. He's still asking me questions. I'm still being his mom. Um, let's hope that she's going to come to the door because I see her father. Um, it's okay to be sad. I don't need to fight it. I think when we fight it, we feel worse.

Yes, resisting does not help, no matter how hard I try, and I try, right?

So we just need to let it, let it run its course.

Yes.

Um, growth. Oh my gosh, if I focus on my kids' growth every school year, I get myself into such an excited state. I think we need to train ourselves to get excited every day. Get excited about things. Get excited about your coffee. Get excited about your walk. Get excited about going to work. If we get ourselves excited, then we're experiencing life very differently. So, I can get myself very excited for the growth of my children. One of you maybe has to go get Maisie because her father's here.

Okay, I will take care of that.

Okay. So, yes. So anyways, the growth. If I focus on Max's growth for this year, I get very excited. What about you?

I would agree.

You would agree. And I can't wait to see Ella's growth for junior year. I think it's gonna be amazing. I think that there's things that we can do to help our kids along the way, any age they are, whether it's college or high school or middle school. I want Max to know that he can talk to us about anything, and, and one of the ways that that we can show them that is by not overreacting. So, I think one of my greatest tips to myself and others is to try to even pretend to be calm. It doesn't matter what you're feeling inside. Parenting is a great place to practice your acting skills because you do not— even if you are feeling very strongly. Bye, Maisie, your dad's here. Even if you're feeling like you're— help me— oh, like you're very, very upset with what they're telling you and you want to explode and freak out, stay calm because you want to train them that it's okay to talk to you about anything.

Agree?

Agree. And I will tell you more.

I think that what I didn't do before he left is I did not prepare myself for the ups and downs. And I think that I have to be realistic that every single phone call and text message is not going to be positive. There is going to be good stuff, there is going to be bad stuff, and I can't get upset and happy and go in the roller coaster with him. I think that he is happy. I think that he is doing well. There's just been, you know, a couple of things that I'm like, uh, that doesn't sit well with me. But I can't expect perfection, and I can't expect that, um, there aren't going to be ups and downs over these next 4 years of college, right?

Right.

And I need to like have some trust, like when I fight things, I feel really unsettled. And if I trust in the universe and trust in the process, then I have a much better experience. And I think that, you know, I can go back to my C-section with Lily and laying there and thinking, I need to just trust in the universe that everything's going to be okay. And I'm brought back to that again, that him going away and going to college and challenging himself, you know, trust it. It's— he has the skills, he can do it, and he's equipped for this. Hi, Tanner. And I will tell you that we have to talk to other moms. I had a couple of, um, get-togethers with other moms who are going through similar things and having similar feelings. And there's nothing better than talking to other moms who are feeling the same as you and who have maybe already done this and can give you some advice. I think one of the best things I've learned as a mother is to talk to parents who have older kids who have already gone through things to give me pointers. So I texted my neighbor before this and I was like, how How do you do this? Like, this is her second or third— I think this might be her third year doing it. And I'm like, how do you do this? And she's like, every time he leaves, it's, it's a grieving process. So everyone's like, let yourself grieve, go through it, it's normal. And she's going through it, and this is her third year doing it. So she said you almost forget that they have to leave because they were home for the summer. So those are some of the things that I'm telling myself. Is any of that helpful to you? Anything resonate with you?

Those are things that you have told me, or things that I have told myself. I think you are perhaps doing a better job at it than I am. I will give you more credit.

Why are you giving me more credit? You think that I'm Talking to myself better than you're talking to yourself?

Yes.

That's not normal for you.

That's not helpful.

Seth is usually, Seth is usually super positive and super happy. And, you know, I think that it's interesting to see how the moms and dads deal with things because, you know, Seth is like, I don't want to get together with dads if all the dads are just okay.

Right, them all being happy and excited at the moment does not do me any good. I perhaps should have hung out with the sad moms.

I, I think I should have invited Seth with the moms, and I think that some of the dads are sad.

I don't think—

don't know who they are yet.

Yeah, I think we need to put up, you know, a sad dad group. A sad dad. If you're sad and you're a dad and your kid just went to college, then come over. Yeah, so I don't know, those are some pointers that are helping me. I'm not perfect. I go through a roller coaster every single day. People ask me if I'm okay all the time, which you said not to ask, and I'm like, it just depends on the moment. I will tell you, yesterday I was fine. I don't think I shed a tear. And today I wasn't fine. So I'm like, it's just a roller coaster ride, and So we will keep writing it and we will— we won't focus on this every week. We will do a new topic next week and we will give you updates. And anything else that you guys want to share?

I don't think so.

So this Friday— oh, so I had a really, really good interview with Lily today. Lily and I— I interviewed Lily and she talked about her bat mitzvah that was super successful. And she talked about starting 8th grade. So that will be coming to you soon, and you will love hearing from Lily. And this Friday we have— I don't know if I can pronounce her name right, I should have looked that up— Krista Kowalczyk. I want to say it's Kowalczyk. Protect Your Precious Memories. So Krista is going to help us protect our photographs. She said that one of the biggest issues with disasters like hurricanes is that they lose all of their photos. And she did a lot of work in Florida, I believe, with helping people recover their photographs. And she has a lot of lessons to teach us. And what else, Seth?

Go to whinypalooza.com, check out Teenage Tuesday, check out Whiny Palooza, check out the Linktree and sign up for all of— which has the links to all of Rebecca's free resources, including the multiple times a week email newsletter where you get to see Teenage Tuesday and Whiny Palooza in the same place. And please help us get her— get their content out to more teens and moms by liking it, commenting it, sharing it, rating it, reviewing it, all the fun things to tell the algorithms to share it with other people.

Yes, thank you. And, um, Whiny Palooza Wednesday every Wednesday. Every Tuesday is a new topic from Ella that you can read, and every Wednesday is a new topic from me. And I will tell you, in talking to so many women, some people love to read, so you can go read. Some people love to listen, so you can listen to the podcast. So whatever, however you like to get your content, we have it for you. And I also want to share off topic that due to my very good friend Corey Seth and I just watched 6 seasons of The Handmaid's Tale. It was very good. We did not like the ending, but we loved the show.

Yep, I would love to have rewritten the ending, a couple more episodes.

So now I want to read the book, and I can read it for AP Lit.

Yes, and kind of disturbing.

I don't know how much of it I want you reading.

I should read it first.

I'm 16 now.

So what? You're still my baby.

So now we need a new show. So we, we finished In Just Like That. That was just okay.

And I've rewritten that ending too.

You don't love The Hunting Wives.

I, I'm not into shows where happily women who you think are happily married are secretly doing bad things. Okay, so I would like to remain innocent.

Give us a new good show. Have a wonderful week, and we will be back next week with a new topic.

Thank you for watching.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.