Episode 478: Celebrating 20 Years of Marriage

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Um, guess what today is?

Happy anniversary, my love!

Um, we celebrated 20 years of marriage today.

Thanks for marrying me.

Thanks for asking.

Best question ever.

I can't believe it's been 20 years.

Feels like yesterday.

Um, I can go back there in a heartbeat. What about you?

Let's go!

We should have gone driven by Fox Valley today. That would have been fun. We should have gone and taken our picture there.

That's a great idea.

We should totally do that.

Let's go right now.

In the dark.

That's right.

I'm ready for bed. I stayed awake for you people because somebody keeps waking me up at 6. Actually, yesterday was 5:30 from Mr. Green. Sorry. Today was 6:08 from Miss Ella. How about if we go a little bit later tomorrow, people? So my wonderful daughter is going to start. She does a Teenage Tuesday column every Tuesday. You can go read it at whineyploosa.com. And we're trying to do the same theme every week. We can't promise that we will stick to that because sometimes we will have different ideas, but we're different stuff going on in life. We're trying to play off of each other and build on each other. So first, Ella is going to talk about— what was it called? Do you remember? I cut that off.

Lessons from my parents' marriage.

Okay, so tell them what you have learned from us.

Um, I learned that communication is the most important tool we have. We can't read minds, so we have to overcompensate with words, and they are our superpower, but we have to use them effectively. So choose your words carefully and frequently. You have to find someone whose baggage matches yours. Which essentially means that their sort of emotional state and where their brain is can complement yours and work with yours. And it's not just one person taking from the other person or vice versa. And then next is sometimes being in love is more important than being right, which means that instead of trying to win or be proven to be logically right in an argument, sometimes you just have to decide, you know what, I'm gonna be in love instead. And just table this argument, and that is probably how you guys have stayed married.

Oh, interesting. Is that what you think?

No, but it's— I mean, all of these are part of it, right?

You didn't read my blog, did you? No. Oh, good. Okay, this will be all new for you. Okay. And what else do you got?

Uh, the last one is be picky with who you spend time with. So have a list of standards Don't settle because you're gonna be with this person for hopefully your entire life, so they should fit all of your requirements.

So she is referring to the fact that we told her that Seth and I made a list before we met each other of what we were looking for in a partner. And after my first date with Seth, where we basically interrogated each other and asked each other a million questions, and it was actually a lot of fun, um, I went home and looked at my list and realized that he was more than my list.

Likewise.

So our list manifested each other. So we recommend making lists for everything— ideal job, ideal partner, um, goals, whatever. We recommend making a list, writing it down. So Ella, I love that you learned that from us. I am touched that you wrote it. I love hearing your opinion and observations, and I would be curious, as we are going through this, feel free to comment or share at a later date. If you're not watching this live and you're watching this at another time, let us know what you've learned about marriage and what you think works. We would love to hear from you. Let us know what you're struggling with in your marriage. We might be able to help. And feel free to comment with any of your, um, feedback of what you're hearing. I would love to know if you agree, if you disagree, if it works for you, if it doesn't work for you. So I will tell you, I decided to do— I decided to reflect on our 20 years and write 20 tips, and then I realized 20 tips wasn't enough. So it's definitely more than 20, but I'm gonna— Seth doesn't want me to give them all away because he wants you to go read them at winypluza.com. So I'll see how far I get.

Yes, I think you should do some of them and then they should go read at winypluza.com the rest of them.

I am going to tell them that even if I go through all of them, which we're going to be time conscious. I always write more than I say, so you can always go and read it. So every week there is a blog to actually read. So I am a reader, so I like to read things. So if you're like me, go read it. So number 1 is look for the good. I kind of do that all day in general, I try to look for what is good about my day and look for like the silver linings and the bright sides of my day and try to like spin everything to look good just in general in my day. So, you know, look for Seth, what is Seth doing? What is— who is he being? Like he comes home from work, I'm I'm noticing that he went to work all day and worked hard. I'm noticing that he did the dishes. I'm noticing that he asked me what I need. I noticed that he kissed me when he came in the door. Like, I look for what is Seth doing right. We don't want to look for what is Seth doing wrong because then we set ourselves up to be upset all day and feel bad and, and not be nice to our partner. So even Ella, what is Ella doing good today? I don't want to look for what Ella is doing wrong today.

What's wrong is always available, but more importantly, so is what's right.

So exactly, Seth. So I just want us to look for the good. I think it just makes us happier in general and happier in our marriage. Um, I am a firm believer, and I have read this, so I know it's not just me, you can never say thank you and I love you enough. So whoever is a loved one in your life, a family member, a friend, Tell them thank you all the time. Tell them you appreciate them all the time. Tell them you love them all the time. Oh my gosh, Seth is so good at that, but I have friends who are like, "Love ya." I love hearing that from people. My kids, "I love you, Mom." We cannot hear that stuff enough, so I say say it all day long. I love you. I appreciate you.

It makes me feel better. Yes, it makes me happy. It's hard to say I love you with a frown on your face.

That's true, that's very true. So I will say thank you, Seth, for taking out the garbage. Thank you, Seth, for going to work all day. Thank you for picking up Lily. Like, all day I'm thanking him, and Seth will say thank you for making us dinner. Like, we appreciate each other. I think that makes us happy.

Absolutely. Focus on the positive, you get more positive, right?

Right. Okay, moving on. We're in it together. I do not feel alone, and I think that you can be married and feel alone in your marriage. So how can you feel like you're not alone and that you're in it together? You, you know, we dropped our son off at college, we did it together, we cried together, we talked about it together, we get through things together. If I have a challenge, I tell Seth and he helps me with it. I don't feel alone. Hopefully you feel the same way.

I do. I bring stuff to you on a regular basis and you help me, and I'm— we're going through it all together and using it to communicate with each other and make our relationship stronger, as opposed to trying to dealing with something on our own, not tell the other person, and then you grow distant.

Well, so I noticed something about us, and I noticed something about others. So I noticed that when we're upset, we go to each other. We don't go to our separate corners. We don't go away from each other when we're upset. We go to each other. And I think that that makes us feel not alone.

Amen.

So make your partner feel hot. Seth tells me all the time, you know, the reason why I put this in is because He makes me feel like I'm 10 feet tall. Like, he makes me feel amazing. He makes me feel like the prettiest woman on the planet.

You're the only girl in the world.

Right? He tells me how beautiful I am. He tells me how good I look, how much he loves my dress, how much he loves my makeup. Um, you don't need makeup.

I was just gonna say, you don't need it. You never need anything.

Right?

Um, I noticed that your hair looks good today, or let me see your new nails, they're so beautiful. He, he makes me feel very pretty, and hopefully I do the same.

You are very pretty.

Thank you.

It's a fact. I mean, it's not debatable.

Um, do things for your partner. And you know, I mean that more than what you're thinking. It also goes with like recreational companionship. So we do things for each other that we don't want to do, like assembling stuff. So it's our anniversary and my husband is working on putting something together for me and I feel so loved.

Yes, you should have thought this through and said, honey, why don't you start it Thursday?

Okay, so we started it yesterday. We— I have helped a little bit.

You helped, you— yes, and you saw how fabulous the directions are.

I am not good with directions. So, um, anyways, we do things for each other that we don't want to do. Seth is putting something together for me that he doesn't want to do. I go to work stuff for him. He goes to craft fairs for me. Yeah, like, we do stuff. I was like, oh, there's a Lewiston Book Festival, and he's like, really?

Um, okay, let's go, because we're just not just complaining that you have too many books and not enough time.

So let's go buy more. So we did not go. I wanted to go.

I offered.

I think the problem was we had just driven to Canada the day before.

Yes.

And I didn't really feel like getting in the car and then driving to Lewiston. But the good thing about this is that if I wanted to, he would have come. I would have. Okay. Communicate or make a date to communicate. I am so tired right now. If he was like, if we ended this and he was like, I really need to talk to you about something, I would be like, oh my God, can we talk about it tomorrow? Like, don't say no. Or like, if you're not in a good state, it's okay to say after I calm down. Just don't not talk about something.

I need to talk to you about something.

If there's something you need to talk about, you're fabulous. Actually talk about it. And don't ignore it and don't avoid it. Actually communicate and talk about how you're feeling and what you need. Thank you, Melissa.

Only been 20 years.

Only 20 years, baby. Okay, you need to talk to me about the fact that it's only been 20 years.

I'm ready for the next 200.

Okay, so I think that the best thing in any relationship is to take a breath and to not say things when you're angry. So I'm mad and I wanna tell him off, Nope. Um, I think that as we age, Seth and I get better self-control.

Yes.

And I think that when he met me, I was more extroverted.

You— I have been amazed and astounded by all of your improvements in self-control.

So what I have learned— thank you, honey— is that extroverts think while they're speaking, and introverts—

or they don't speak at all, or they don't think at all, they just speak.

Yeah, pretty much. And introverts think before they speak.

Yes.

So as an extrovert, I will tell you I have gotten more introverted over the years. And what I mean by that is I've gotten more introspective and I've gotten more thoughtful, and I also spend more time, um, alone maybe is the right way to put it. Anyways, my point is I've gotten better at thinking things through. So I try to not say things when I'm angry. Um, I have failed many times with Seth and Lily, but I never give up. I am, I love that.

It's the effort, not the outcome.

You're always trying to improve.

So I, amen, Ella. I think that Ella understands. We've talked about the fact that I'm human cuz I've had to apologize to her for saying things when I'm mad. Ella's really not the problem. I don't tend to be mad at her, be mad at her. But when I'm mad at Lily and I say things, When I'm angry, I apologize. So try to take a breath and not say things in anger. Check in with each other. I asked Seth today how his marriage is going. One of the things that I learned in my studies is that there's a his marriage and a her marriage. And if it's two women, there's a her marriage and a her marriage.

And an our marriage.

And an our marriage. Well, no. Every person is experiencing the marriage differently. So Ella, when you're married, your spouse may not feel the same way about the marriage that you do on any particular day, on any particular moment.

That's true.

So check in with your partner. How is your marriage going? What's going well? What can we work on? Um, Seth and I said it was going great today. Yes, I think that it's funny when he says, honey, how's your marriage going? I kind of like that he does that. And then when they respond, be open to the feedback and be willing to grow. So if Seth were to say no, like I have said to Seth— this is just an example off the top of my head— I have said to him, I feel like we're not spending enough time together. Because what can happen in marriage is that you get so busy with the kids that you can become two ships who are passing in the night.

Yeah.

So it's like, okay, you take Ella here, I'll take Lily here, and then I'll see you at the game, and then we'll eat dinner at some point at home, and it just is like this hamster wheel. And that sometimes I can feel like I'm not having any quality time with him.

So always up for more quality.

So if I point it out and say, hey, I feel like we're not spending enough time together, he's open to that feedback, and then we solve it.

Let's have some more quality time, would be great.

Yes. So That's great. That's just an example off the top of my head.

Off the top.

Okay. Which goes with regular dates, which we do much better during school because we grab lunch dates together.

Yes.

Oh, take turns listening and speaking. So in any relationship, you don't want to do all of the listening and you don't want to do all of the speaking. Make sure that you're taking turns and Seth and I have gotten better at saying, don't— please don't interrupt me, I'm not done. And then we don't get pissed. We say, oops, okay, I'm sorry. And then I let him finish, or he lets me finish, because I think interrupting each other is one of the best ways to feel not heard. So it's just good to like let them— you know, like I will say to Seth, ready, set, go. I'm gonna vent it all out.

Yeah, this is very helpful when you do that.

I'm gonna say—

when you warn me.

I'm gonna say, it's coming. It's all coming.

Just wait and I'll tell you when I'm done.

And let me spew it all out to you. So get ready to—

don't say anything.

Get ready to take it all in, and then I'll give you your turn.

Yes, I love the disclaimers.

You do love disclaimers. Um, I think one of the things that we're really good at is that we laugh a lot. And one of my favorite things is when I get really intense and Seth makes me laugh. Like a pattern interrupt.

Yeah.

And I feel like that's just the key to women.

The key to women.

It works with your sister.

It works with me.

Does it?

Well, then I've unlocked the secret, people. I'll publish the book tomorrow.

Um, Seth is really— Seth has been making me laugh since our first phone call.

Yeah.

And he makes me laugh every day, and he helps me not take things so seriously. So like, even— so even this Like, if it was just me for 30 minutes by myself, you guys would be like, oh my gosh, she's so serious. And Seth is like cracking jokes the whole time. Like, he's just funny. So I love that we laugh together, and I love when he gets all 3 of his girls laughing.

Oh my God, when they start giggling and can't stop, it is the most beautiful thing in the world. When they start crying because they're laughing so hard. Yep, I love it.

Yep. Oh my God, I'm gonna tell you my favorite line that Seth says to me. This is one of the keys to our successful marriage. Are you ready? I will never be bored in this marriage. So I am full of surprises.

Every day.

I am not the most consistent person. I throw him curveballs.

Every day.

I have emotions all over the place.

Let's go for the fish.

Every day.

Let's get a fish.

Oh my God, here, you assemble this giant thing that you just said no to.

I will.

It was your idea, you should have to put it together. Sorry. How's your marriage, honey?

I mean, it's not like you're wrong. It's kind of not—

you're getting framed, Mom.

It's not nice that I handed you a project, right?

Happy anniversary. She literally said Hey, look, the Amazon guy just came. The aquarium stand arrived. Happy anniversary, honey.

I bought us a present.

No, you bought you a present that everyone else said no to. You bought you a present and made me work.

Okay, so I'm really, really sorry. Yeah, I will make it up to you.

Yeah.

So how— I lost my train of thought. So anyways, he said I will never bore him.

Yes, I'll never be bored. You have emotions all over the place. You have lots of surprises and curveballs.

And I, and I feel the same way about you. I feel like I'm very consistent. I feel like I will never be bored with you. Oh, you're always doing something new and different and telling me what you're up to.

Yes, that is true.

And I'm like, oh, now he's playing the guitar. Oh, now what, what, what is something else you've decided to learn?

Play the piano.

Well, I'm restart— I started over learning how to play the piano. I played for decades but I never— I wanted to start over and relearn all this stuff I didn't know.

Or I'll look over and he's decided to try a new magic trick. Like, there's always something. He always has something up his sleeve. Oh, um, when I met him, I called him my Renaissance man because he, he has so many things going on, so many things that he's good at, and He will never bore me. Um, learn these words.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, so we're supposed to race each other to say I'm sorry. Have I gotten better at that?

I'm still winning, but you're catching up.

So we're supposed to— you're supposed to race to say you're sorry.

Who can say I'm sorry first? We're getting lots of hearts for that.

Um, I think that one of the keys to marriage is saying you're sorry. You don't have to be right. Your person's perspective is that you've hurt their feelings, and even if you think you're right, you should apologize for upsetting them. So, um, I think that I'm right. I'm— I can't think of an example.

Most of the time.

That's not true. There, you know, he makes fun of me, but there are so many times that I tell him he's right and I'm wrong, and then he makes— and then he makes a joke about it, and he's like, write it down, people, make it. I say, I say it so much more often than he gives me credit for. You are right. I say, Seth, you're right and I'm wrong a lot of the time.

You're right about that.

Um, I don't— I, I am going to tell you, I do not think that I'm right all the time. He jokes about it, he thinks he's funny, but I think in his heart of hearts he knows that I do not think that I'm right all the time.

Well, that's pretty much impossible.

I think that I'm wrong a lot of the time. So, um, this is something that Seth said: go to marriage to give.

So you go to give.

Yes, he said marriage is a place you go to give, not to take. So if we're both going to our marriage to give, then we're both making each other happy, and then we're both happy. So it's like, how much can I give today?

That's the contest. Raise each other to say I'm sorry and see who can give the most.

I think that I'm gonna win today. I think that we have to be able to take.

Yes.

But I think we— it's— I think marriage is a give and take. But I love that you said it's a place that you go to give.

Yes.

I think that we're both givers.

We are. There are times that is a debate. I'm like, no, I'm trying to take care of you, and you say, no, I'm trying to take care of you, which is an awesome fight to have.

Um, I think that we are getting good at deciding who it's more important to, right?

Like, I was gonna try and— I was gonna drive to Tumbling tonight so you could stay home and relax, and then we were texting about dinner because you're like, oops, I forgot about that, because I was trying to take care of you.

I appreciate that. I wasn't gonna worry about dinner for some reason. I think because I thought we had a lot of leftovers, which we did, but they do have to go in the oven and get heated up. Okay, um, I think we're good at being each other's biggest cheerleader. I think that He really makes me feel like he's behind me and he's cheering for me. And I think I do a good job of doing that for you.

Go Rebecca!

Like we're our biggest fans.

Yes.

We're each other's biggest fans. Um, I think intimacy is important. I think that, you know, the girls see us holding hands all the time. Um, we will be kissing in the kitchen and Lily is like, oh my God.

Yeah, she acts all grossed out like He's like, no more kissing!

She still does that.

Yeah, it's like, oh my God, don't kiss! Yes. So anyways, intimacy. So touch each other, love each other. Um, they say that it's really good to like just walk by and touch their shoulder. I have read a lot about intimacy, and intimacy is, is emotional, it's physical, it's mental. I think it's all of the above.

Yes, lots of ways to be intimate.

We have talked about love languages a lot. I'm not going to spend time on it, but we're good at knowing what makes each other feel the love. I know Seth wants to hear it. He knows that I want him to help me.

Yep.

And I will let him know, for the record, things change over the years. What? So you should check in with your partner. If it changes and my love language changes, I will let him know, and vice versa.

Please tell me.

Yes, um, we choose each other every day, right? I think it's a conscious effort.

I choose to stay married every day.

So every— every day that you wake up and choose to be married, you're choosing your partner. And we're aware of that. We're aware that it's a choice. So you want them to choose you every day. So your actions and behaviors and words should be— should be doing things to make them want to choose you.

Yes, gotta treat her like you want her, convincing her to marry you every day.

Okay, so the rest are gonna be bonuses, and I'm gonna keep going because I'm having fun. I know you don't want me to.

Should make them go to whiningliz.com and read it. Oh, you don't go for it, go for it.

He doesn't want me to finish.

It's okay, honey, you could finish. You're having fun.

Okay, I'm gonna leave off number 21 for you to go find out And then 21 was the bonus. And then I did a couple little notes when I was concluding because I think that marriage is so much more than those 20 things. And I think that we have gotten better at letting things go. Like, you don't want to sweat the small stuff in any relationship. Um, trying to just let more things go and trying to think, do I need to say this? And how are they going to feel when I say this? Respecting each other. Like, I will say something, you know, I'm trying to think of like effing blah blah blah, and he will be like, dude, I'm your husband, don't talk to me like that. And I'm like, you're not mad at me. And he's— and I'm like, oh, or when I'm mad near him. Yeah, okay, I have to clarify, and I did this to him yesterday. I said, "Honey, I'm mad at X. I'm not mad at you. I just sound mad because I'm mad at X." And he was like, "Thank you for telling me," because if I'm mad, he instantly takes it personally. But when I'm communicating to him, I need to be respectful. So swearing, raising your voice, you know, like just trying to do it in a respectful way, you know. Uh, I always tell him that you should really never let your hair down in any relationship. I want you to be able to be yourself, but you shouldn't just like let it all hang out. Like, you should be respectful and try and be on your best behavior. Yes, our family. Yes. Oh my God, I have said to Seth, would you say that to your girlfriend? Because hey, I'm your girlfriend.

And I immediately said no, I would not have said that to my girlfriend.

He would never have said that to me on our date. So don't say it to me now. So that'll wake him up.

Yeah.

I think that we genuinely like each other, and I think that we remember where it all began and why we chose each other, and we remember that frequently because I think that Seth and I have gotten better. I think that since the day that we met, it's like we thought that that was like like, we love this person so much, we're never going to love them more, is wrong. And I think that it grows over the years.

Amen.

So I think that we make each other better. I think that we lift each other up. And I think that we're doing a lot right, which is why we're still here.

Yes.

So it's not all roses and sunshine. Seth and I fight. Seth and I get annoyed with each other. I think sometimes Seth and I need a break from each other, and he'll go to work and I'll go my way, and we come back together.

And right, for a few hours.

Yes, a break.

8 hours.

A break meaning like you go to work?

Yes, not anything serious.

I'm not being like dramatic here. No, I'm just saying that we get annoyed with each other, we get cranky, we get tired. We're not perfect, but I think that we're doing a lot right.

Yes.

So, Ella, what do you think of all that?

I think I've noticed you guys doing all of that, and I probably could have written that blog for you. That was awesome. Great job.

You're hired.

Thanks, thanks, honey.

I love watching you guys be married. You do?

Yes.

Well, we'll keep doing that.

That is so sweet. Well, we got forever to show you. So, okay, we want to hear from you. Tell us what you think. Tell us what resonated with you. Tell us what you've learned in your marriage. And if you're happy, we would love to know why. And if you're not happy, um, I believe you can even comment anonymously, or you could direct message, or you can direct message me and let us know how we can help. Because marriage is one of my favorite topics, and I studied it, and I took courses and trainings on it. And, um, when I was counseling, one of my good friends would be like, oh, I don't like marital counseling, will you take this? So anyways, that was our topic. I felt like with 20 years of marriage, we should talk about marriage.

Yes. Happy anniversary.

So happy anniversary, honey. Cheers to many, many more years together.

Yeah.

Um, Ella, thanks for writing about us. And I want to let you know that number one, the September challenge is going on in the Whiny Pluza Mom group. So go find it on Facebook. It's a free group and we do a challenge every month and there's a lot of supportive, um, posts and comments and come find us and join us. You can jump right into the challenge and win prizes. And this Friday on the podcast, there is a Whiny Plousa podcast, and every Friday is a new guest. And this Friday is Rihanna Milne, and she is going to help us with our trauma, taking our trauma, understanding our trauma from childhood and then making it into healthy relationships as adults. So that was an awesome interview. I loved talking to her. Lots of podcasts coming. There's new ones released every single Friday, so you can go back and listen to so many topics. Uh, people say to me all the time, did you cover blah blah blah? Well, it's gonna be 500 episodes before I blink. I've covered a ton of topics, so if there's a topic you want, I've probably covered it and you can probably go find it. What else did you want to say?

Okay, so this isn't a big reveal. Rebecca does not— has not seen this yet, so hopefully she likes it.

Uh-oh.

I'm gonna tell you what, we're only gonna give them one assignment for today, which is you're gonna go to whinypalooza.com, the website. You're gonna scroll down past the recent blog post, and then you'll see this sign up for the Whiny Palooza free parenting and marriage newsletter. So go punch your email address in, join the Winey Palooza community newsletter, and share it with a friend.

And that's cool. Is that new?

That is new.

I love it.

Yay.

Oh, he just showed me that. That's really beautiful.

Looks great.

I love the update.

Awesome.

Thank you. Did Kristen do it?

She did.

Thank you, Kristen.

If you see this, Kristen and Gabby.

Kristen and Gabby. Thank you, ladies.

The dream team.

The dynamic duo.

Yeah.

Um, so share this episode with a marital couple that you think would enjoy it or needs it. And we can't thank you enough for joining us, and we will see you next week.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.