Episode 480: Back to School Looks Different this Year

Okay, we're live. Seth is giving her stage direction.

I didn't know we were live, people. I'm sorry. Happy Wipey Palooza Wednesday. I didn't know she pushed the button. Normally she pushes the button later.

Okay, we are— I'm fresh home from open house from high school, and I got to see and meet— I got to see teachers that I already knew.

Hi, teachers!

And I got to meet new teachers, and I absolutely love Ella's schedule, and I love her teachers. And I'm excited for her, and I think this is going to be a great junior year for you.

I would agree, and I'm glad I went.

Teachers, and we have two different things to talk to you about that kind of piggyback onto each other. Ella has a Teenage Tuesday column that you can go read at whinyflusa.com, and she's going to tell you her, her maxims for junior year. And then I wrote a blog, Back to School Looks Different This Year, So Ella's gonna start and she's gonna tell you some of her pointers, and then I'm gonna continue with some of my pointers, but you can read the extended version at whinyfluza.com. Okay, Ella Belle.

So number 1 is don't be realistic. This essentially just means that nothing worth doing is realistic. So whenever you have something you want to achieve, shoot for the best possible version of that that there is, and don't put yourself in the box of realism.

I love it. Shoot for the stars, baby.

Optimistic.

Love it.

Shoot for the moon, because even if you don't make it, you're still among the stars.

Yes, I was looking for you to finish that.

Um, next is give 100% as often as you can. Now you don't have to give 100% all of the time because let's be real, you're not always going to have 100%, but you should be giving 100% as much as you can. And I'm not going to say you should be giving as much as you can, but you should be giving as much as you feel you want to, if that makes sense.

That you have available to you to give at the moment.

Yes, because you get out what you put in.

Oh, good line, good line.

It's from one of you.

I mean, that's— oh, it's from your mother. That sounds okay. I think it's from you, but okay, we can fight about it. One of us told her that. Um, you're very smart. What's number 3?

Everything happens for a reason. I mean, think about it. Every action has its equal opposite reaction. Everything's gonna cause something else to happen. So what if they're happening for that reason?

Did you tell yourself this today?

No.

Okay, maybe you should reread this later.

One door open— one door closes, another door opens.

Within every adversity lies the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.

I feel like we are driven in the directions that we are supposed to go in. Yeah.

Okay. And then my last one is that every day is another chance. Every day is another chance to do better. I did better today than I did yesterday on some math stuff, and then tomorrow I'm gonna do really well on the quiz. And that's just one example of how every day is a new chance to get better. Awesome.

So instead of beating yourself up over how something went, my advice is that you evaluate it and think about how you're gonna do better the next day. And it's an opportunity for growth, and it's not an opportunity to beat yourself up.

Oh, you get 2 minutes to wallow in self-pity, and then you got to move on.

I like that. I like that a lot.

Set a timer.

So back to school looks very different for us this year, mainly because our son is at college kicking butt, and we are so proud of him. He's doing so well, and it was so cool to walk the halls of his high school tonight and have so many teachers ask me how he's doing. I had a teacher ask me to remind her where he went and was astounded and not surprised actually.

She was like, "I'm not surprised." Tell them what that one teacher said.

One teacher said, "There's smart genes in that Green family," and that made me feel really good because she has Ella in her class. She said Ella's already impressing her, which I'm not surprised to hear. And it was just cool for everybody to ask me about Max. Everybody knows who your brother is. I said, does so-and-so know who your brother is? She goes, I don't know. Well, guess what? Everyone knew who I was, everyone knows who you are, and everyone knows who your brother is. So, but your brother apparently in the middle school doesn't remember me. Yes, they do. They do remember you. They ask me about you. Um, your brother is in trouble and I am going to text him as soon as we're done. Mrs. Nostrance— did I say that right?— said that she heard Max's Spanish presentation that he had to do for his seal of biliteracy. Was I supposed to go to that? Did he not invite me to that?

What presentation?

Was I supposed to go to his presentation?

Families were invited.

Okay, well, she said it was fantastic. I want—

we had a presentation.

He had a presentation on genetics in Spanish.

Holy crap.

So he combined AP Bio and Spanish, and she said he went over the time that he had to do and that it was fantastic.

Wish we had seen it.

Maxwell, you are probably not watching this, but I am going to text you and ask you when I see you to do your presentation for me.

Better brush off. Brush it up, brush up on it.

So whether—

hopefully you saved it to your Not School Google account.

So whether you do it for me when I come visit you or when you do it for me when you come home, I want to see this presentation that I missed.

Even though I won't understand a word of it.

So let's talk about my pointers for school. I feel like we are not rusty at all. I feel like we are pros at school. I feel like the school master mom, and I feel like we've mastered this, and I feel like this was the first year that I was ready to jump back in. All right, did you notice there was no sadness that summer was ending? There was no—

you were ready for school to get started.

I know, I was like, let's go, these kids need to go to school.

Um, that's a whole different story.

No, no, that is not because of why you think. The kids needed to go to school for their own mental health. I noticed that the girls do so much better. Max is very good at not going to school. Max is— let me rephrase that. I was gonna say he is doing great at school. He's a great student. But when he's not in school, he does a really good job of scheduling stuff for himself to be busy.

Yes.

And he's not like floundering, whereas I felt like the girls had too much time. I felt like you needed to get back to school. You studied a lot. You studied a lot for your ACTs. You were studying a lot this summer. Okay, you did a ton this summer.

I was not floundering.

Okay, maybe your sister. Yes, maybe.

Well, she was channeling her floundering energy into other things.

Okay, so here's what I think. I think that your internship was great. I think that your studying was great. I think it was time to go back to school. Okay. And I think it was the first time that I felt like it was time to go back to school.

Yeah, that isn't normal for you.

That is not normal. I'm usually sad, very sad, and grieving that the summer's ending.

Um, you had a very different summer this year than you know.

This summer was not—

you worked your butt off all summer.

This summer was not relaxing at all, um, for various reasons, one of which was moving a child. Basically, the end of June was graduation and mid-August was back to school.

Yeah.

So really, we didn't even get much of a summer. But let's talk about my pointers. So I noticed that the kids needed a routine, and having a predictable routine and having routines is so good for kids. If your children— my kids, I feel like, jumped right back in. We had our morning routine, we had our daytime routine, we had our after-school routine, we had our bedtime routine. It was like right back into it, doing homework, all the things. If your children are resisting the routine, um, what I have learned is to get them involved and to ask your kids about the routine and what they want it to look like. And if they have input into it, then they resist it less, is what I was taught. So, that's just a little pointer if your kids are not jumping back into the routine. But I find that kids thrive with a routine. Those days of like, "Let's do nothing this summer and let's, you know, um, sit by the pool or whatever," um, that lasts a little bit and then it gets old. Of not having a schedule. Ella's looking at me crazy because she had an internship.

No, no, we didn't do that like for a single day this summer.

Oh, that's really sad.

You did it last summer.

Okay, well, it's fun for a little while and then you need a routine.

I would agree.

Um, I have taught Seth that, and others, that connection over correction. And I have taught many, many people, including myself, that connection gets you what you want. If we connect with our kids, then we get what we want out of them. And if you give them the connection with quality time, hugs, smiles, saying nice things, you're gonna get a much better response from them than if we're barking orders at them all the time. Clean your room, do your homework, brush your teeth. That's how moms sound. So connection.

Amen.

Where are you going, Tam? So Ella said to set non-realistic goals. I'm gonna say to parents, I'm not talking to kids right now, I'm gonna say to parents to set realistic expectations. And the reason why I'm saying this—

an expectation and a goal are different things.

I love that you said that. So I, I think we should strive for big goals, and I think we should set realistic expectations for our kids. And what I mean by that is we don't want to set them up for failure. So like, if your kid struggles in math and you're telling your kid that they have to get a 90 or higher in math but they struggle, then you are setting them up to feel like a failure. I feel like we should value the effort and not the outcome, and I feel like if I see Lily studying hard for a test and she comes home and she's like, "Oh no, you're not gonna like my grade," I saw her study. I saw her study hard. I saw her study for multiple days, so I'm not upset with her, right? So I just think we need to be realistic. I think that sets us up for school success. So, keep the lines of communication open, and I just, you know, I like to listen about my kids' days, and I like to hear about the highs and the lows, and the challenges and the successes, and I know that if I stay calm during the process, and I don't get fiery or reactive, that they're gonna be much more likely to want to talk to me. So I just try to be calm and cool. I pick both girls up from school, and I have realized how much I love picking them up from school because they talk about their day. I mean, I want you to know that when Lily gets in the car, she goes over every single class with me, and I get the abbreviated version when I drive her to cheer. Okay, and I absolutely love it. She's like, "Okay, Mom, are you ready?" Ready, okay! And then she starts at the beginning and she goes through every single class and tells me what happened in every single class. And I eat it up. My drive from school to home is awesome. And I literally just listen to her the whole time. And I get home and I'm like, I love picking her up because I actually, if I don't pick her up, She doesn't do that. If someone else drives her home—

You don't get the data dump?

No, I don't. If she walks in the door from someone else driving her home, she doesn't go, "Okay, let's go over my day." Like, she's done and she's moved on and she's ready to do something else. Whereas—

I did not know this.

Yeah, she gets in the car, she shuts the door, and she goes, "Okay, are you ready to hear about my day?" So cute. So keep the communication lines open because you never know what's gonna come up, and we want them to want to talk to us. So, encourage independence. So, whether that's learning a new skill or letting them handle something themselves. Just every year, I try to back up a little bit more. So, you know, if Lily wants to pack her lunch one day, Okay, I won't do it. You know, today I packed her lunch, the other day she packed her own lunch. You don't have to pack your lunch, I'm just using that as an example. Um, you know, I, I'm gonna be straight with you guys, Max's first load of laundry was at college, and my thought was, dude, you took all AP classes, you can figure out how to do laundry. Like, I am not—

physics of laundry, right?

I'm not worried about you figuring the chemical process, how laundry interacts with the, with the dye in the clothes.

I'm going to say that I was not stressed about laundry. I was like, he's going to throw it in there, it's going to get done, I'm not worried about this. Um, he's doing his own laundry, hopefully nothing is ruined. I haven't heard about anything getting ruined. Uh, he did not learn how to do laundry at home. I gave him a couple lessons.

You did try.

I, and I was like, Max, Do you want to do this load of laundry? No, no, I'm busy. And I would just do his laundry.

Just figure it out. I, um, you haven't gotten a couple phone calls going, Mom, I'm doing laundry and I got a question.

Yeah, but I wasn't worried about it. Got it. We want them to be independent. We want them to learn life skills, but we don't want to stress about it either. I mean, I know kids who have been doing their laundry since like 5th grade, so you should have cracked that whip sooner. I, This is funny. This is my thought process, okay? Now I'm not working 12 hours a day, people. I mean, I am, but I'm saying I'm not out of the house 12 hours a day, right? Um, my job is actually 6 AM until 10 PM. That is actually the hours of my job hours. Those are the mom hours, which also include working and everything else that I do. But, um, so 6 to 10 is how many hours in a day?

16.

So I work a 16-hour day. So most of us do, most of us do. So what was I saying? Help me out.

You were talking about laundry.

Oh, so what I want to say is my children's job to me is to go to school and do their homework and study for tests. Their job is to be a student. My job to me is to do their laundry and make their meals. I want them to learn this, these skills, and I want them to gain independence, and I back off as much as I can, ever more every year, but I am not feeling like they need to make time for their own laundry. Now, every house is different, so figure out what works for you. That's my opinion.

So noted for the record.

Work with the teachers. If you are having a problem with school and you want help, I'm happy to talk to you. I used to go to school meetings with families to help them talk to school. I am happy to help you anytime. I know how stressful it can be for people, and I want to say that if you are having an issue at school, my advice to you is to nip it in the bud and and don't wait. I would contact the teacher and talk to the teacher. Don't go above the teacher and go straight to the principal. Don't go above the principal and go straight to the superintendent. Start with the teacher.

Work the chain of command.

Work with the teacher and see, you know, assume the best about people. If you go in like gangbusters, fiery and upset and feeling like they're doing something wrong, you're going to put them on the defensive. So, just go in nice and calm with your concerns. Um, I just want to let you know what's going on with my kid. I would love to discuss this with you and get your help. You want a partnership with the teacher, and I have seen it go well, and I have seen it not go well. So, I just wanted to give you my two cents on working with teachers, working with school. So, make time for play and downtime. I am talking to my daughter. She is taking a lot of hard classes, so I know she has to work hard. I just want everyone to remember to make some downtime for themselves because it makes you think more better.

You gotta recharge.

Yes, recharge the battery, Ella. Yes, recharge the battery. So work hard. I love that my brother will post frequently to work hard and play hard. He works really, really hard, really long hours, but he also makes time to play and go on vacation. And I noticed that about him, that he works hard and he plays hard.

Yep.

Model emotional regulation. Um, yeah, I think that it's interesting to me. I think that a lot of us think that it's our job to, um, like alter our children's behaviors and fix it and see what we can do to change it. And I think that the best way to change it is to model it. And I think that whatever we want them to do, whether it's being a hard worker, being responsible, being a good multitasker, calming themselves, show them how to do it. And I bet you that they'll do it just like you do. I can't even tell you how creepy it is to to hear my kids because they sound just like me.

And creepy— I think that is the wrong word. Um, how about wonderful?

Sometimes I hear Ella and I'm like, oh my God, is that what I sound like?

Hey, how about embarrassing in that example? Not creepy.

Okay, well, no, no, it's, it's a good— it's a good thing. You just— you sound like me, so it's, it's right. It's bizarre.

Bizarre.

There you go.

Thank you. I knew there was a better Sounding like you was a compliment.

It is always so sweet. You sound like me more and more the older you get. It's really—

well, because I spend more and more time with you.

Well, no, you spent the most time with me when you were like a baby.

I know you for longer, and I've learned from you for a longer period of time.

Soaking up more into the sponge.

I also want to tell you that I sat in your chair in Spanish, and your teacher was like, I want you to know that you just sat where Ella sits, and that happens all the time. She said the parents come in and sit where their kids—

you are psychically bonded.

Is that so funny?

That's really funny.

I sat in your Spanish seat on accident, but on purpose. It was totally an accident. Um, be flexible and forgiving. I'm so sorry, Mom, I left my water bottle somewhere and I can't find it.

Have we still not found this thing? Oh, we checked the lost and found.

God knows how much that cost me.

Seriously, we're not buying a—

she's like, she's like, can you order me a new water bottle?

We already lost a water bottle in the cabinet. There's a ton.

She said it's disgusting and I should throw it out, the one that she took today.

Okay, well, just clean it and she can use it.

Be flexible.

And I'm not being flexible right now.

Don't buy your children the $70 water bottles.

You're in trouble.

I've had one for like a year and a half.

Don't buy the $40 water bottles.

$4 Wegmans.

Doesn't she have like a Barbie one from the dollar store?

I think there— now we're talking. If you're gonna lose it anyway, buy something cheap.

We'll go to the dollar store. Oh my God. Anyways, they're gonna make mistakes. You're gonna make mistakes. Forgive them. Forgive yourself. Show them that you forgive yourself so they learn how to forgive themselves. If you're hard on yourself, they're going to be hard on them— their own self. I can't talk.

You're doing great.

Carpools and supports are necessary. I've had so many parents say, um, how do you get your kid from middle school to the high school for sports. Well, if you're at work, which a lot of you are, and I'm sorry about the schedule, it's stressful. There are a bunch of parents picking up kids. They need to get in someone's car.

Why is there not a sports bus?

There should be.

Don't we?

After school from Milton.

That's a great idea.

Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna throw this out there. I don't have this issue because I pick Lily up every day. However, if you have this issue, step 1, find a parent or a grandparent or a neighbor who they can jump in their car. Step 2, work on advocating to get a bus from the middle school to the high school.

That's a great idea.

Yes. Um, people are like, what is he doing? What does he want? Sorry, my dog is distracting me. I'm sorry, Tanner, I'm almost done. I'm almost done. Remember to make family time in the chaos, people. I have heard time and time again from researchers that successful kids eat dinner with their parents. So I know the schedule sucks— no, I'm not gonna say sucks. I know the schedule can be challenging and chaotic, but when you can make time to eat dinner with your kids— when I pulled up with Lily the other day, I knew she had a list of things that she wanted to do, and I said, before you tackle your list of things, you need to come eat dinner with us. I want to— I said, I want to eat as a family.

I like it.

And when she heard that, she understood the importance of it, and she said, okay, Mom. It wasn't, no, I gotta do blah blah blah blah blah. She was like, okay, I will eat with you first and then I will do my list. But we want to prioritize family time when we can, even an hour at a pumpkin patch. It doesn't need to be all day.

Oh boy.

And I'm not asking for a pumpkin patch.

Thank you.

Does that mean you don't want to go?

We've done every single one of them multiple times. I don't understand the repetition.

Okay, so every fall I want to do fall things. Every winter I don't want to do winter things.

Thank you.

And every summer I want to do summer things. So why do you act surprised?

I'm not surprised. I'm just saying, haven't we outgrown the pumpkin?

I would like to go apple picking.

You got a better chance of going apple picking than you do going to a pumpkin patch.

I thought we were going to Cornell. Can't that be our fall thing?

Yes, if, if it happens. We shall see. So we'll stop and buy some apples from a roadside stand.

So I just want to hold it up high and you can jump up and grab it, and then you have baked apples.

I just want to remind you that our kids are not looking for us to be perfect. They are just looking for us to keep trying and to keep showing up and being their parents. And they love us for who we are, so let's give them the same love in return and love them for who they are. And, um, I was talking to a mom at school tonight who has 3 kids who sound very similar to my 3 kids and the birth order. So every kid is very different, so, um, I take that into account when I am parenting. And, um, back to school is going well so far, and I would love to hear from you. So tell us how back to school is going, tell us any challenges successes that you are having. And, um, this Friday on the podcast is my daughter Lily because I interviewed her about her amazing bat mitzvah and about her starting her 8th grade year. Um, she's in 8th grade in middle school. It's her last year in middle school, and I think you're gonna love the interview. It was really fun to talk to her. And what else, Seth?

Um, I don't know. Okay, so I'm going to show you— this is for those of you watching, this is a video demo. This is Apple Podcasts, and there you see the fabulous Rebecca Green. If you scroll down, you see where it says reviews, ratings and reviews. It says she's got a 4.9 star. You can click the 5 stars— hint hint— for her and then write a couple sentence review about what you think about the podcast, and that will help her get— the algorithm will then see more people rating it and reviewing it, and they'll show it to more people. So help her help more people by giving her a rating or review. And the process works the same on Google Podcasts.

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