Episode 486: Guiding and Mentoring our Children

Hi everybody, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday! Cheers!

Oh, it's not Wednesday!

Happy Winey Palooza Thursday!

Thirsty Thursday! Thirsty Thursday! Um, we are sorry we are a day late. I was busy prepping for the holiday and I looked at—

started last night.

Well, I looked at you yesterday around dinner time And I said, honey, we can't go live at Yom Kippur, right? So you don't go live on the holiest holiday of the year, right? So it starts at sundown yesterday, ends at sundown today in our version. Okay, there's different versions, I'm sure. That's the Reformed Jewish version. We are Reformed. We are, um, we, we celebrated Yom Kippur Yes, we, um, went to temple, went to temple, had our family over for dinner, celebrated Lily's birthday. So not only is it the holiest day of the year, it is also our daughter's 13th birthday.

Happy birthday to Lily.

So that has to be good luck for her. Yeah, so Lily is, um, very celebrated. And we got to have dinner and celebrate the holiday and Lily's birthday.

Yes.

So I'm gonna finish telling them about Yom Kippur and then we'll show them our drinks.

Okay.

So on Yom Kippur, you're supposed to reflect and repent and you're supposed to ask for forgiveness.

I'm sorry for what I did wrong in the last year.

So we were walking around saying singing the song from Temple.

I'm sorry for what I did wrong. We're not gonna sing you the whole song.

We're not gonna sing you the whole song, but we're supposed to apologize, we're supposed to reflect, we're supposed to repent, and we're supposed to do better this year. So I think that that's appropriate for me to reflect on parenting Lily this year.

Yes.

And hopefully I can do an even better job this year.

You are fantastic.

Parenting is—

Not easy.

Not easy. I feel blessed to have 3 wonderful kids, but it's not easy.

No.

So Seth is showing you—

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So I— so we had the holiday dinner and then we cleaned up from the holiday dinner and then we sat down on the couch with our drinks and, and I'm feeling sleepy. I'm feeling like the drink is already making me sleepy.

You're relaxing.

So I am chill, I am relaxed. And I think I'm gonna sleep good.

All right, well, we'll have to get more.

So I am going to do this live, and then I'm going to finish my drink, and then I'm going to go to bed. So I realize that I wish that my husband would have said something when I sent him my latest blog.

What did I do?

Because I already wrote a blog last week for this week in relation to Yom Kippur, forgot about it, already had it done last week, and wrote a new blog for this week.

Oh boy.

So I did write something that is very appropriate for Yom Kippur that you might hear next week. I was ahead of myself. So as I was reflecting on Lily and her birthday, I was thinking about her favorite line What is her favorite line?

All by myself.

So my daughter likes to do things all by herself, and she has been telling me that since she could talk.

Fiercely independent.

Mom, go away, I'll do it myself. She's been telling me that since she was a toddler, and I was rushing her out the door, she was telling me to go away. She wanted to put her shoes on by herself. Really great when you're rushing. Now she puts her shoes on in the car because she knows we gotta go and she can tell time and she sees what time it is. But back then it was a big challenge. So we're past the shoe—

that's good—

we're past the shoe challenge, we're on to new challenges. Yes. So our lovely birthday girl has inspired this blog that I wrote called Guiding and Mentoring Our Children. And the reason why I called it that is because I was reading about the different phases of parenthood. And you start out as a baby— yeah, as your children are babies, and you're in the nurturing phase, and you're with them all the time taking care of them. And as they grow up, the phases change. So Seth and I are moving to the guiding and mentoring phase, and so I wanted to talk about it. And I'm feeling like Writing this helped me and hopefully helped other people too. Did it help you at all?

Yes, it did.

Hopefully you got something out of it.

It's a different mindset that is a lot more helpful than the model of parenting I used to think about, of like, you'll do it because I said so.

Well, so Seth is definitely of the mindset of, I'm the parent, you listen to me, stop talking, you're done, this is what I want you to do. And I'm not saying that Seth is wrong, I'm just saying that we need to take a step back. And I don't want Lily to get the wrong idea because she's only 13. She's not 16 and a half like Ella, like Ella. She's not 18 and a half like Max. She's only 13. So she's going to get the most parenting of all 3 of our kids. However, we want to step back more, and we want to let that— we want— our goal is for our kids to be independent adults. So this is part of how we help them get there, is by backing off. So what I started with was the fact that I do it in little bits, and you probably see me do that.

Yes, like I gotta earn it.

I give an inch, and then I give another inch, and I see how it goes. And I'm nervous, but I do it anyway. And then, you know, My natural inclination is to parent, and my natural inclination is to get involved, but I'm trying to like back up more.

So you got some examples of guiding and mentoring you're going to talk about?

Yeah, I'm going to talk about it.

I know, I'm excited because they're really good.

Oh, okay. Do you have something specific that you're excited for, or you just want me to jump in?

Jump in, go for it.

Okay, I'm going to start with the kitchen. So I am naturally a caretaker, you know this about me, and I want to take care of everyone. I was telling him about someone else that I wanted to take care of today. If anyone is in need, I want to help. I want to take care of people, including my children and my husband. So I'm always feeding them, doing their laundry, doing things to take care of them. So when I would be in the kitchen and I would go to make Lily breakfast or lunch or whatever it was, She would say, "Mom, go away. I wanna do it myself." And at first, you know, for someone who, you know, I wake up in the morning and I make everyone's breakfast and lunch. So for someone who's like on autopilot of doing that every day, you know, I would do that for Ella. I would get Ella out the door. I would come home for Lily and I would be ready to do it again for Lily. And Lily would say, "Go away." And I would be like, but, but this is what I do. Like, this is what I do. Like, I'm here, I'm back from driving Ella, now it's my turn to take care of you. And she's like, no, I got it covered. I made my breakfast and I'm gonna finish my lunch and you're good. And I was like, oh. And I was like, at first I was like, oh, but like, that's what I do. And I was sad. And then it started to change, and I started to go Oh, I don't have to do it. Okay. And I realized I could move on with my list, and I would move on to the laundry and the fish and the dog and everything else I needed to do. And fine, that's off my list. Guess what? That's easier for me.

There you go.

So now when she says, I'm gonna do it, I don't get sad.

I celebrate.

I feel happy, like, this is good. She's capable. She's getting more independent. She's getting more skills. This is good. This is not a bad thing. But at first it was a little hard for me.

Yeah, I remember.

So you understand.

I do.

So every time our children do something on their own, their laundry, their lunch, biking to Starbucks, whatever it might be, I want us to celebrate that they are becoming more independent and they're gaining new skills. Yes. So, so Lily told me that I was nagging her and— Mom. So first I want to say, you know, I'm not saying she was wrong. I'm just saying like, it's like, it's like upsetting, and she could say it nicer. But I thought about it, I thought about it, and I think that what my takeaway from that is, is our children don't want to be micromanaged, right? Okay. And I told Seth, my employees don't even— employees don't want to be micromanaged. Kids don't want to be micromanaged. Your husband doesn't want to get micromanaged. Seth is like, you know I drive without you, right?

Yes, apparently I, I drive all day. I'll drive tomorrow to Rochester and back and be just fine. Rebecca gets in the car and all of a sudden I can't drive.

You're going to Rochester tomorrow?

Yes.

Short little drive for you.

Yes.

Okay, so anyways, nobody wants to be micromanaged. Like, back away.

I'm an excellent driver even when you're in the car.

You are an excellent driver, honey. You are an excellent driver. I think I've gotten better, haven't I?

You've definitely improved since the beginning.

I could do better.

We can always do better.

So it's all perspective. So I want us to realize that we can be sad about our kids getting older. We can be sad about our kids getting into more independent, or we can be happy. We can celebrate and we can give ourselves praise that we are doing a great job, right?

Right.

So it's all perspective. So I interviewed my friend Laura. I wrote it down, episode 467, your college send-off survival kit.

It was a good episode.

So Laura has 2 children in college, so I wanted to interview her and I wanted to learn from her before Max left for school. And I learned a lot from her. And one of the things I realized when I was talking to her is that just because your kids go to college, just because your kids get older, doesn't mean that it gets worse, doesn't mean that we need to be sad. It means just things are changing. And things might be changing for the better. So my example is that I loved having babies and I loved having toddlers. However, as they get older, we get to do different things with them. We get to have deeper conversations with them. We get to go do different things with them. You know, now they don't want to go on a— they don't want to go to play dates with me. Now they want to go to Starbucks to get the new protein drink. Like, they want to go to Sephora and use their gift cards. They still— they're not saying, I don't want to spend time with you. It just looks very different. Yes, the dinner conversation looks different, the family trips look different, things look different, but it's not for the— it's not bad different, bad, you know. And I love that Laura said— I think one of my favorite things that I learned from her, and I have to tell her that is that when her kids come home from school, it's like more quality time. So it's not quantity, it's quality.

Right.

And that she loves the time that they do spend together when they're home. So I'm realizing that different doesn't have to mean bad.

Right.

So—

different's better than better.

So I guess my advice to myself—

okay.

To all of you is that the next time that we go to do something for our kids, can they do it themselves? Do they want us to do it? Can we back off more? And my advice to Seth and I is to keep stepping back a little because they're getting older. Yes. So we need to grow up with them. Yeah, we need to change with them and I think our parenting is just gonna keep changing. It doesn't stay the same.

That is an excellent point that I wouldn't have thought of.

Yeah, so me parenting my baby looks different than me parenting my 18-year-old.

Yes.

You know, like now he's gonna come home and he's gonna be like, bye, I'm going, blah blah blah. Like it's just gonna be in and out.

And I think we should tell him we have some expectations that he cannot spend the entire time he's home with his friends. Like we need some quality time.

I think that he know, I appreciate that you think you need to say that. I hope that he knows that. He definitely wants to see his friends. Yes. We definitely will get some time with him.

Yes.

We also unfortunately have cheerleading stuff and homecoming stuff.

Yeah.

And I'm not happy about it.

Yeah.

I'm not happy about how much stuff we have.

Yep.

I guess the world doesn't stop because Max is home.

He did not, does not.

But you know, homecoming could be a different weekend.

Oh well.

So, oh well. We will fit in all the things and spend time with our son. I am counting down to see him. I miss him so much. Today, Yom Kippur and Lily's birthday, and I woke up so sad that he's not here. It's interesting. It gets better as the day progresses.

Yeah.

But when I initially wake up, I'm like, Like, I feel it. I'm like, I'm like, he's not here.

Yep.

Okay, let's not cry. He's coming home soon.

See him in a week.

He called and told his sister. He called and told his sister happy birthday because he's such a good brother.

Yes.

Okay, so, um, the October podcast— or the October challenge doesn't have to be scary. Oh. The October challenge is going on in the Winey Blues and Mom group, so come right now and jump in and find us on Facebook. Join in the challenge and answer the questions. There's 5 days, 5 questions. The more you answer, the more comments, the more chances of the fall prizes. So come find us. It's a wonderful supportive community and it's free. And this Friday on the podcast is Lori Singer And Lori's topic is addiction, relapses, and recovery.

Wow.

Really good podcast. First time I've covered that topic in almost 500 episodes.

That's amazing.

What do you think of that?

There's still stuff out there you haven't talked about.

There is, I'm sure. Oh, I have another woman that I'm talking to who's gonna do another topic that I haven't done.

All right.

I have actually a few people lined up with new topics. I have lots of interviews set up, lots of good people coming through. It still excites me.

Good.

I still enjoy it.

Awesome. That's the point.

They tell you that you should be doing something that doesn't feel like work, and I think that I am living that.

Living the dream, baby.

I know. Now, I think my husband would like me to add more so that I'm bringing home more bacon, but—

Your bacon is good, baby.

So tell them all the things slowly.

Go to whineypalooza.com, scroll down until you see the big pink banner to sign up for the Whiney Palooza Community Newsletter. It is free, it is via email, it is 3 times a week. And as always, if you could like this po— this vlog, comment on it, share it, tag someone you know who could benefit from it, that way the algorithms will know to show it to more moms and Rebecca can help more people. That would be much appreciated.

Thank you everyone. Thanks for joining us. Share this with someone that you think will benefit from it.

Go to drinkmoment.com and order yourself some soda. I'm— it works. I'm feeling it. It feels good.

I know. I'm, I'm, I'm feeling like relaxed. Yes, relaxed. Okay, so go relax, have a drink, and we'll see you next week.

Happy Wine and Booze Wednesday.

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