Episode 488: I’m Sorry – A letter to myself

Hello everyone, happy Whiny Blues Wednesday!

Happy Whiny Blues Wednesday!

I'm fading into the sunset. No, don't go! I'm so tired. So, um, do you feel like because it's getting dark earlier you're getting tired earlier, or is it just me?

I think—

What do you think?

Do you have seasonal affective disorder?

I think I'm really tired and I gathered that yawn through this whole thing. Um, I got up—

psychological—

I'm getting up before 6 every day because I can't even seem to sleep till 6.

I did not wake you up today. That was—

no, that was my fault. I can't seem to actually sleep to the alarm. What is that about?

Gotta get up earlier. Are you trying to get a jump start on the day? Are you stressed about your day?

No, I'm— anyways, okay, so when you get up that early—

yes.

I wonder why I'm tired at 9 o'clock at night.

It's not a mystery.

It's not a mystery. So I had totally forgotten that, um, I wrote a blog for last week, and when I write blogs ahead of time, sometimes I forget about them. So I wrote it, Seth had read it and said it was great, and then I forgot about it. So I wanted to post it last week to go with Yom Kippur but I didn't do that, so I'm late. But I figured I would still go with it.

It's still great content.

So if you don't know, so you have Rosh Hashanah, which is the new year, which is the Jewish New Year. We have a Jewish calendar. And then, so this is why Jewish holidays fall on different calendar days every year and why people are so confused, is because we have a Jewish calendar, which is a lunar calendar, which is different than the calendar that we use regularly. Thank you, thank you for filling in my blanks.

You're welcome.

I need you to do that all night. Okay, Max is texting. So where was I? The calendar.

And that's why the day is the same.

So you have Rosh Hashanah, then 10 days later you have Yom Kippur. And this is all a time for thinking about the year, thinking about what you did wrong, repenting, thinking about what you maybe did right, thinking about who you want to say you're sorry to. Um, so if you think about it, if I could chime in— yeah, of course—

in the Christian religions, there is confession. And it used to be you were supposed to go— I understand this— you were supposed to go whenever you committed a sin, and then they dialed it down to once a week at church. And then, you know, I don't know how often people go anymore, but, uh, Jews apparently like to binge, and we do it all on one day, and Yom Kippur, which is I'm sorry for everything I did wrong the entire last year, all at once, and then here's what I'm gonna do better. That's my understanding.

Yes, I like that explanation. So when I started to think about who I'm sorry to, I could come up with stuff, but I tend to be— I mean, I'm not perfect, I'm going to tell you that. I know I'm not perfect. I could tell you things that I screwed up today, but I'm really self-aware of what I do right and what I do wrong, and I realize I do a lot right, and I realize I do a lot wrong. But I do know that I tend to give, and I tend to give a lot of love and care and nurturing to all the people in my life, and I try to give, and I try to be selfless, and I try to do well by everybody in my life. So when I was thinking about apologizing to people, the first person that came to my mind was myself. So tell me more about that. Oh my goodness, that just brought tears to my eyes. I think I'm just tired. I think being tired makes me extra emotional. I've been crying a lot lately, so maybe I need more sleep, people. So, okay, so the first person that came to me was myself, because, you know, I think that as good and giving and selfless as I may be to others, I don't think I'm that way to myself. So I started to write myself a letter.

Oh wow.

And what did you think of the letter?

I thought the letter was beautiful.

So—

Made me want to write a letter.

To yourself?

Yes.

You should do that. I would love for you to do that.

Be a good exercise.

I would like— this would be really cool. I would like to inspire everybody watching to go write a letter to yourself, to apologize to yourself. And I want us to empower ourselves. So I'm going to read some of it because I think it's important. Is that okay?

Absolutely, yeah.

Okay. I'm sorry for not giving you grace and understanding that I give to everybody else. I'm adding that to tell you. I'm sorry for not putting you first. I tend to put everybody else before myself.

Yeah.

I'm sorry for criticizing you. I'm sorry for every time I say something negative to you. I'm sorry for not being your biggest cheerleader. I'm everyone else's cheerleader.

You are.

I'm sorry for any time I didn't believe in you. I'm sorry for every time I get angry and short with you. I'm really short with myself.

Very hard on yourself.

I'm sorry for calling you dumb. And I want to back up because if I'm short with myself, it spills over to the other people in my life, and I don't want to. And the motivation is not only to be better to myself, but I know if I'm better to myself that then I'm better to everyone in my life around me.

Yes, so I pour from an empty cup.

So I am going to tell Seth— Seth, you probably know this already, When I'm impatient with you, that is an indicator that I'm impatient with myself. So if I can get more patient with myself, I can then get more patient with you.

I would agree with that 100%.

Just so that you're aware of that. I don't know if you know that.

You have told me. I just have to remind myself to tell myself that when you're upset.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry for calling you dumb. My latest word is moron.

I did not know this.

So I blame the Goldbergs.

Oh, we haven't watched that show in a long time.

Okay, so, so Mr. Goldberg—

yes—

called his son a moron. Everybody called everybody a moron. So I'm driving around town— this is really bad, I'm telling you this so that you don't do it— I'm driving around town going, what a moron.

I did not know this was happening.

I saw a lot of morons today. So, I'm driving around town calling people morons.

In the car? But— Like the person who cut you off or something?

Yeah, I mean, they can't hear me.

Okay, just making sure that you are safe while you're—

I'm not screaming it out the window.

Okay, no road rage incidents today.

Okay, so not only am I calling— so I have to put the kibosh on it because not only am I calling them morons, it has led to me calling myself a moron.

Have you been binging The Goldbergs when I'm not home? I didn't— we haven't watched it in years.

It's just my latest word. Okay, so I, when I mess up, I call myself a moron. So we're done, we're— I'm done with the word moron. I, I am going on a moron diet. I am not using that word anymore. I don't like the word.

Give it up for Len.

Okay, so don't call yourself dumb, don't call yourself a moron.

Be nice to yourself.

If I make a mistake, it's okay.

Yes.

I'm sorry for putting you aside. I'm sorry for thinking you are Superwoman and expecting too much. I just interviewed a psychic for my show for Halloween, and she said that I do too much.

Surprise! You don't have to be a psychic to figure that one out.

She said, you know, slow down, slow down. Um, I did it again today, so I had an unscheduled day. So what an unscheduled day looks like is that I have a list that I work on. So I didn't have any podcasts or appointments or any of that, or like podcasts.

Nothing scheduled.

So I am like, okay, I'm gonna take some time for myself. But I didn't. I did my list the entire day up until I'm still doing my list and it's 9 o'clock. So I didn't take any time for myself today. So that's a thumbs down.

You were watching Dancing with the Stars.

I was working, right? Well, okay, never mind. I was not—

we could go back and finish it and not work.

I'm just saying I wasn't relaxing, I was working while I was— yeah.

Melissa says, 'Ew, diet.' I don't like that word either.

Melissa, that is an excellent point. So maybe I could just eliminate—

more on detox.

What about eliminate?

Okay, just getting rid of it.

Just get rid of the word. Okay, I'm sorry for not giving you enough rest. I'm sorry for not being patient with you. I'm sorry for getting frustrated with you so easily. I'm sorry for not thinking you are enough. So the letter goes on, you can read it at wineinclusa.com. I did write myself a letter. I wanted to give you an example of what was said, and you know, it's all stuff that I want to work on for myself. So I think in this next year, as I'm thinking about it, if I really, you know, I think I've begun this journey. I think if I keep working on the compassion and grace and understanding for myself, I think it's gonna continue to make me a better wife, a better mom, a better friend, all of it, better daughter.

Absolutely. How did you feel when you were writing the letter?

Okay, so, so many things. So, please share. This is, this is, this is counterproductive to what the goal of the letter was, but I was frustrated with myself.

You were frustrated while you were writing an apology letter?

Okay, so frustrated that I had like, I can do better than that. I shouldn't be having to write this letter to myself, right? So see, I was being hard on myself.

Something that you just said you were sorry to yourself for. I love it.

Okay, I also— it also felt cathartic to get it all out. So I am going to tell you that whatever is bothering you at this moment, my advice is go get a pen and paper and scribble it all out. And I can almost guarantee you that you're gonna feel better, because not only does it feel better to get it out of my system, it feels better to organize my thoughts. So I feel like they get all jumbled in our head and we have to get them out. And, and whether it's verbalizing it to someone or writing it, I feel so much better when I actually let it come out instead of just like stuffing it.

It makes a lot of sense, right?

And, um, I also, when I was finished with the letter, was really proud of myself for identifying this and continuing to work on this.

That sounds like an awesome therapeutic exercise.

I think so. I think it's your turn.

I will write a letter. Was there anything about the letter that surprised you?

Was there anything about the letter?

Melissa says, ma'am, are you flirting at me with organizing vibes?

Melissa, I just love you. I You are just amazing. I am flirting with you. I am organizing my thoughts and organize— Melissa loves the word organization. Go find her. Melissa, tell them the easiest place to find you. Hopeful Simplicity. She gives us tips, she helps us organize, she's amazing, she needs to come back on my show. I met her through my podcast and one of my favorite people that I got to meet through my podcast. We would be good friends if she lived here, by the way.

Yeah, Melissa, move to Buffalo.

I say that about a lot of people that I meet. I meet a lot of people who don't live near me who I would hang out with if they lived here.

We need to do a podcast reunion event, like a conference. Everyone comes in.

I mean, look at her.

Yeah, focus back.

I don't want to focus. I like this. Do that again. Say that again. So bring all the people, all the guests in. Yes.

And do it in a— like a couple day event. Yes, let's do it.

And then I get to meet everybody in person instead of the virtual summit. All my favorite people.

I love it. Okay, produce it.

Um, surprising.

What's surprising?

Um, so what is so surprising to me is as a very nurturing person I'm perplexed by women, mothers— Melissa likes your idea. I'm perplexed by the fact that I am so nurturing of everyone else, so nurturing. And I have taught— ever since I learned this on my podcast, I have taught everybody else this because everybody's too hard on themselves. And now my favorite line is, what would you say to your best friend? So now I say that to myself all the time because I would never talk to my best friend, right, the way that I talk to myself. So now when I'm, when I'm talking to you, I need to remember that you are—

yes, you wouldn't talk to your best friend the way you're talking to your husband.

I'm, I'm much better. Much, much better. I think that we all get frustrated and hot.

Sure.

And I think that, um, oh, I know what I wanted to talk about on this episode. This is like the most important thing. I'm noticing the change in my neural pathways.

Okay, tell me more.

Okay, so When I am angry, I don't just go. I don't just go. Have you noticed that? Because I have noticed that.

Okay, explain what that means to everybody else. What don't just go means.

Okay, there's reactive and there's responsive. And reactive is like, I'm angry, I'm gonna like, I'm gonna fight, like, let's go. And responsive is, okay, take a moment and collect your thoughts. What do you want to say right now?

So you're recognizing it, you're finding the ability to pause and regroup before you react. That is amazing. How are you doing that?

Um, practice, practice. And the neural pathways we rewire, so they all change. So we wire ourselves to react. Do you know this?

Yes.

We wire ourselves to react and we wire ourselves to do it differently. And we don't have to say anything.

That is also true.

We don't want to do the silent treatment. That's counterproductive. But we can say, I'm not going to talk right now, and that's okay. Yes, right?

Yeah.

So, so if I can change my neural pathways with anger, I can change my neural pathways with all the self-criticism.

Yeah.

And we all can.

Absolutely.

I mean, I can't believe how I hear women talk about themselves. Do you pay attention to that?

I mean, even with our daughters, um, they thought in general women are way too critical of themselves.

Yeah, yeah. And self-deprecating.

Yes. Drives me crazy. Yes, like you could say someone, I like your outfit. I wouldn't say that, but you could. And they would be like, oh, this thing, I got this whole thing on sale, and I got a rummage sale. You're like, no, just say thank you, I like it too.

I think that the best thing that we can learn is to say thank you when we get a compliment. Just thank you. You don't have to say—

you have to put yourself—

no, you're— no, you're better, your hair is better. Why are you complimenting my hair? Your hair is better. No, no, just say Thank you very much.

Own it.

So, so I know you're trying to get to me. My dog is very persistent and trying to get around the camera. So I wrote a letter to myself, apologized to myself, feel better writing the letter, and it'll be interesting next Yom Kippur to see.

Yeah, you should save the letter and look at it in a year.

To see where I'm at just in general and who I want to apologize to. So, you know, it even says in the post about the holiday, like, if I helped you, I wish I had done more. Um, so criticizing of ourselves, like, how about just, you're doing great, keep going, keep doing good stuff in this universe.

Amen.

Keep spreading love, keep spreading kindness, and make it come back to yourself too.

Sounds great.

So I think it was a great topic. I think a lot of women will relate to this topic, and I hope that I can inspire someone to write a letter to themselves.

Inspired at least one person.

And I hope I can inspire someone to get your thoughts out onto paper. I think that's how this whole thing began.

It is. You started blogging, journaling.

I was— for those of you who don't know, I was a stressed-out mom with 3 little kids, and I started writing and realizing that it was making me feel really better to write. And then moms— Seth started to share it.

I said, let's turn it into a blog.

And mom started to tell me how much they related and how much it helped them. And then it just kept going.

Yes.

And changed over the years.

Evolved. Yes.

Evolved for sure. I, I know you don't like when I just talk about our day, but I miss the blogs of this is what happened today.

I don't say— I never said I didn't like it. I just told you that statistically you got more engagement and more viewership when there was some other stuff beyond just reporting. I think you could certainly do one of those every once in a while.

I think that the biggest thing that we can share to others is that people look at families and couples and think that the grass is always greener. They think that everyone has it better than them. They think that, you know, there is a perfect couple, there's a perfect family, there's a perfect house. And everybody has stuff. And I think that if we can share our stuff and be authentic and real with each other, then we don't feel alone. And then we can help each other and lift each other up.

Amen.

And even if you are a therapist, you still have stuff. Therapists have stuff, and the, the best counselors in the world have stuff. Nobody has a perfect life. So, um, let's talk about the fact that we just finished the October challenge in the Whiny Clues of Mom group. So come find the Whiny Clues of Mom group on Facebook. It's a free supportive community and if I was prepared, I would have picked a winner tonight, but in my busy day today, I did not put that on my to-do list. So I will pick a winner. Yes, there were a ton of awesome comments. So thank you if you took part. I have so much fun every month doing these challenges, and then I give prizes that go with the theme of the month. So it's fall prizes coming to somebody. This Friday on the podcast is Emily Redondo, if I'm saying that right, and she was very authentic and real and talked about her addiction and her relapses and how she recovered. And I was just so honored that she was willing to share her story with us and how she came out of it. Pretty amazing. So you'll wanna listen to her on Friday. Awesome. And Seth, slowly tell them the things.

Go to winyepalooza.com, scroll down until you see the big pink banner that says sign up for the Winyepalooza Community Newsletter, enter your email and sign up for the Winyepalooza Community Newsletter. Comes out 2 to 3 times a week, it is free, filled with Rebecca's amazing parenting and marriage content. And then with this vlog or blog or podcast, please like it, comment, share, rate, review, subscribe so that the algorithms of the social media networks know to share it with more people so that Rebecca can help more moms.

The newsletter comes out at least 3 times a week.

3 times a week.

Yeah, at least. Oh, because— yes, we— what we didn't talk about is our lovely daughter Ella has a Teenage Tuesday column every Tuesday that comes out. So every Tuesday is Teenage Tuesday from Ella, every Wednesday is Winey Clues Wednesday from me, and then every Friday is a new podcast with a new expert. So, um, Ella's topic this week— go to wineinclusiv.com to read her topic— it was about not having to be good at everything. And Ella is just pouring out topics that I think are so helpful. I found this one to be helpful.

The last month, every single one has resonated with me, and I am not a teenager.

I was just gonna say that I'm live right now.

How could she not know that?

I don't think she knows.

Well, shame on her. She should be tuning in.

Okay, so hi Nikki, I will go call you back. So we are going to end, and thank you for joining us, and we will be back next week with a new topic.

Happy Whiny Blues Wednesday!