Episode 490: Max’s First visit home from College

Hello everyone, happy Wine and Blues Wednesday!

It is Wednesday night at 9:05. We are a few minutes late. I just found some wonderful cat puke. We're keeping it real in the greenhouse. Um, I could not— every mother is going to understand this— I could not go live with cat puke in front of me on the floor. Had to.

I was like, why is she cleaning up now? Why can't she wait till after we're done? I know you were worried, one, the dog or somebody's gonna eat it, but other than that.

No, I would've been worried about it. So now it's done.

Off your mind.

And it's off my list. And now I can focus and I can say hello to everybody.

Hello everybody.

And I can, I'm going old school tonight. So I'm gonna tell you about Whiny Poo's old school.

Okay.

Seth's like, what on earth is she doing? Yeah, what are we talking about? So Old School Winey Palooza is talking about what's going on in the greenhouse.

Oh, got it.

Not old school, new school is topic requests and other topics that are of interest to our community.

Got it.

So I do topic topics that relate to everybody, but old school, how it started, yes, is writing about what's going on in the greenhouse, which you will all relate to.

You as well.

Yes, yes. If it's, if it's going on in my house, yes, it's probably going on in your house.

That's right, our house is every house.

Um, I am very proud of myself. I hung up Lily's bat mitzvah photos. You can see one of them behind us. Yeah, that one's my favorite one that you can see. I'm gonna move the camera for a second. There are more. Yeah, and they're all around. Okay, you can't see all of them. Sorry if I made you dizzy, but we did, um, I did hang bat mitzvah photos, but it was a wonderful weekend. There are families everywhere that got to see their kids this weekend because it was fall break.

Yep.

And parents weekend for a lot of college kids.

Yes.

So our son had a long fall break Yep. So we went and picked him up and brought him home.

That's right.

And I will tell you, the drive here was a lot more pleasant than the drive back.

You were so excited to have him. So on the way back, you know, you were leaving him.

I love when we go there and we get to see him and we get to spend the day with him, but this was extra special because he then got in the car and came home with us, which he has not done. And he is so funny because He hadn't sat in a car in a long time and he hadn't been home since the morning of August 18th.

2 months.

So how awesome to get to bring him home with us.

Yes.

Did you love that weekend?

Yes, I did.

Did you want to keep him?

Yes.

Am I the only one who wanted to keep him?

No.

I told him he could stay.

Right.

But we did drive him back to school.

We did.

So Seth also asked me a really dumb question last night.

I did?

Yes.

Uh-oh.

And I told all the women tonight what you asked me. Oh, great.

I'm so glad.

He's like, as I'm crying, he goes, are we gonna do this every time he visits?

Yeah, that was dumb.

That was like the dumbest husband question that you can ask your wife.

Yeah.

So Seth, I'm gonna ask you.

Yeah.

Am I gonna cry every time Max goes back to school.

Yeah.

So do you need to ask me that question?

No, but I didn't think it before it came out of— I didn't think it through before it came out of my mouth, and I apologize.

I was like, did he really just ask me?

But see, I distracted you from being sad because then you were mad at me, so I helped you. It was all for you. I took one for the team.

I was like, he can like go away now that he asked me the dumbest question on the planet. Yes, I'm gonna cry. Yes.

Okay, I'm glad you figured that out. Okay, I'm never gonna get any easier.

We'll find out.

Okay, but you've made your reservation, so I should just know I will expect the tears.

Just be a good husband.

I'm a great husband. I know, despite every once in a while asking a dumb question.

Yes, I agree with that.

Thank you.

That is why I'm still here.

That's great.

I made myself laugh.

You did indeed. Okay, cracking yourself up.

So let's talk about what it was like having Max home. Yes. Do you think the house is better with Max home?

Yes.

Did you notice the vibration was better? Yes. What do you account for that?

More testosterone in the house. That's what I accounted for. He has a calming, chill force that everybody responds to.

There's too much estrogen in the greenhouse. Yeah, I think I'm going to foster a son.

Excuse me.

So no, I also told Seth this was the why there should have been a fourth child who was a boy. But anyways, I'm off topic.

And they'd be what, like 11, 10 right now?

Probably like 11 or 10.

Yes, because you have the energy right now to be chasing around a high-energy boy right now.

Anyways, back to the top, back to the top. So the house is so much better when Max is home. He has the best energy. Calm, cool, collected, helpful, helping his sisters, helping me. I don't know if he helped you, but we just loved having him home. And we love the vibe of Max. We love the whole vibe of Max. So I think that what Max taught me is that we all need to chill out a little bit. Too intense.

Yes, too many feelings all the time.

I also noticed how helpful he is. I warned him about moving the fish, and we were all concerned about carrying the fish tank down the stairs, and he picked it up by himself. Yeah, empty, and carried it downstairs.

He didn't even— I was on my way upstairs, so we were gonna do it together because we carried it upstairs together.

So yeah, so we moved— he moved the fish tank, asked how he could help, help the girls with their homework, gave the girls advice. Yeah, he's very helpful. Yes, I knew I was gonna miss that. You did good. There's a list of stuff that we miss about Max. Yes, just Max, just the Max vibe.

Yeah.

Okay, so I told him to bring all of his laundry This kid has so much laundry. Do you know how much my laundry has gone down since he's gone to school?

You're definitely spending less on laundry detergent.

So come bring all your laundry. Did all his laundry, did his sheets and blanket, and, um, and stocked the house with food. How cool was it to see him open the fridge a million times and eat all the food?

So cool.

I think that for Max, there was a lot of sleeping and a lot of eating.

Yes, yes.

And I think he needed both of those things.

Definitely.

And I think he really needed rest. So I expected him to love his bed, his big giant bed, and I expected him to sleep for hours and hours. I had no expectations. I was like, I am going to simply go with the flow.

Good idea.

I am not going to have an agenda. He had mentioned that he wanted to do fall fun, but ladies and gentlemen, I do not get attached to things like that. I was like, we'll see, we'll see if he's very mature, right? Because he might— he had a very lazy— yes, he had some, some very lazy time where he did not want any plans.

Yep.

He wanted to rest, he wanted to recharge, he wanted to be in his pajamas, and I think he really needed time for that.

Yes.

And he said when we dropped him off that he felt rested and recharged to go back for the second half of the first semester.

Awesome.

So he needed that. Okay, so there's a lot to learn. There's I told Max, and Seth, I don't know if you agree with me, but I told Max that the hardest part of the adjustment is behind him.

Yes.

And that it gets easier from here.

Yes, he's figured stuff out.

He has had to, you, you said some interesting things to me about that. Would you like to tell them?

I said that he has developed many, many new neural connections in his brain because he's in a living in a different environment. He's had to figure out how to get to where he needs to go, how to get from place to place. He's figured out the bus. He's figured out the campus. He's figured out what dining hall, how to, what dining hall serves what food when and how to get there and get around. He's learned new study habits and getting to live with someone, not his parents. He's had to grow. He's grown his brain, even if he didn't learn a single thing in class. He's grown his brain just by learning all of those new things in a different place.

And he said it wasn't easy. No, it's not. It makes me really think when someone like Max says it wasn't easy, but I suppose if you have— if you are one of those kids who went away to camp every summer, maybe it's easier because you're used to being away from home. This was really his first time away from home.

He has gone on 2 vacations that were a week long with his friends, and then he was ready to come home, right?

And when we go on vacation, he's ready to go home.

Yeah, usually less than a week.

Yeah.

So, but that's also a hotel room with his parents and his sisters.

So this is a huge adjustment.

Yes.

He's had to learn so much. He's not one of those kids— there are children who want to run away from home. They want to get— literally, they want to get away from their parents. They're excited to go away. From their family. Um, I don't think he's that person. No, I think that he loves his parents, loves his sisters, loves his pets, loves his house, but I think he knows that this is really good for him.

Yes.

And that he's growing in ways he wouldn't grow if he stayed home.

Very true.

So do you think, as someone who went away to school, can you picture staying home and going to school And can you think about the lesson, the difference in the lessons that it would be?

Yeah, I would have, I would have matured way less. I'd be a different person. I wouldn't have had a lot of the, obviously, the experiences that I had going away to Syracuse and dorming and then having an apartment. I, yeah, it'd be, it would have just been like an extension of school. It would have been still living at home and just driving to and from. Let's say UB, which you did, you obviously learn stuff. It's just not the same developmental experience as living somewhere else with other people and in a different community, in my opinion.

So, so it— can you take yourself back there and tell me things that you learned?

I mean, all the same stuff Max has had to learn. I had to learn to— okay, where are the dining halls? What time do they serve food? I don't have an app back then to tell me what was being served when, which Max does. There was no maps for the campus. Like, I'd literally walk around and figure stuff out. Um, there was no GPS. And get to all my classes— where are they in what building, where are they in the building, what do I have to do? We didn't— all our books were physical, textbooks were physical back then. I didn't have a computer. Um, had to write it by, you know, you wrote homework. Like, every— everything was different. But the same principles apply of learning how to get to where you need to go, figuring out where everything is, feeding yourself, taking care of yourself, doing laundry, all that stuff. So being totally responsible for yourself by yourself.

So what I have seen and observed as someone who has a lot of friends whose kids went away to school this year is I see that there are kids who are loving it and there are kids who are not loving it, and I think Max is in the middle.

I was gonna say there are people in the middle like Max.

Yes, I think Max is in the middle. I think he doesn't love it and he doesn't hate it, but he's adjusting.

Yeah.

And meeting people.

Yes.

And we're hoping that he joined clubs, and his clubs are starting.

Yeah, so that this week we should—

we're hoping he's gonna meet more people. We're into what he's into. Who he can find to— I think Max's ideal person is someone who will study with him. Am I wrong?

Someone at least who's interested in the same topics and is as smart and as ambitious as he is. Yeah, we're close.

Cory, you loved college, is that what you're saying? Did you love it from day one?

I thought about that when Max was— when we were talking to Max over the weekend, and like I can't help him with that part because I loved it from day one. I was excited. I loved it from day one. I instantly found people, um, cuz my department was so much smaller.

Um, I mean, I do think part of his disadvantage— my, my observation as someone who's kind of clueless about living at school cuz I didn't do it— um, is he's in the Arts and Sciences.

Program, and computer science under that.

And Arts and Sciences is— oh, you loved it from day one? Really? How come? I want to hear about this, Cory. So Arts and Sciences is such a big department that it's not like a close-knit community, and I think some of the departments are smaller and it's easier to meet people within your department, right?

Well, once he gets into like— I'm find out if the computational biology club has met yet. I would imagine obviously that would be much smaller.

And I think that, um, he likes the people on his floor. He's meeting the people on his floor.

Yeah.

And I think that, um, he's not a partier. He's just not a partier. So, um, maybe he does need to go to more parties to meet people. I don't know. But he will meet more people. Yes. And, um, the good news is he likes his roommate.

Yes.

His roommate is great.

Yes.

The bad news is that he definitely needs to make more connections, I think.

Yes.

Yes. And I also think that some kids are choosy about who they hang out with and some kids are not.

Yes, Max has very high standards. This is part of the challenge.

Yeah, like maybe in that area he could loosen up. Right. But he's very chill when he's here.

Yes, yes, chill with the right, and was very excited to see his friends.

Yes, and that was cool.

Yes.

So, um, so Kim— so the Holderness family, if you do not know who they are, go look them up. They're hysterical, a bazillion views. Most people know who they are. So Kim Holderness, so they're going through it with us. Their oldest daughter just went away to school for the first time, so they're literally the same age, their kids are the same ages, their first kid just went away to school, and they're doing all this content about it, which has been really funny and helpful. Their song about how— or whatever parody they did about, oh, my daughter would want me to get an apartment right by her campus.

Oh, that was that. I didn't—

what was that?

That wasn't a song. I was looking for—

what was that?

That was just— that was Penn impersonating Kim.

Oh, that was hysterical.

It was funny. It's just so you know it's not a song.

Impersonating his wife. When he impersonates his wife.

Yes, very funny.

It is so funny. And I don't know where their daughter went, but it's not close. Yeah, they're a plane flight away. Do you think that they're a plane flight away? Is that what it sounds like? That was my guess. So she suggested— she just went to parents weekend and she suggested 10 questions to ask your college kid.

Yeah.

And she said she thought her kid was gonna like roll her eyes and be like, oh God, Mom. But she said her kid really enjoyed it. And so I said to Max, I'm gonna pull out these questions and ask you. And I think it really, you know, thank you to Kim.

Yeah, it was really interesting. It was a surprise.

So I wouldn't have even thought to like come up with questions. Like, I would have just had my questions, right?

How you doing?

I'm a, I'm a social worker, so I always have questions and can annoy my kids because I always have questions, but, um, she actually came up with specific questions, brought them with, and asked her daughter. So I brought them with, yes, and asked Max. And did you say you enjoyed it? Is that what I missed? Yeah, they were really good questions, and, um, we learned some surprising stuff from the questions.

We did.

I was really happy. I do need you to help me edit the document. You can go to winingpluza.com You can read all the questions, all the answers. I want you to copy them and ask your own kids whether they're— I'm sure you can tailor it to kids who aren't at school, right? But they're great for kids who are at college.

Yes.

And I forgot part of an answer.

Okay.

So I would like your help to edit that.

Okay.

Because I can never find the edit part.

Okay, I can be tech support.

So tech support after this. So we learned some surprising things, and I think that the most surprising thing that I learned was how much he loves Buffalo.

Yeah, I didn't expect that.

So we're in Buffalo, New York, if you don't know. And yes, we are crazy, and yes, I don't like the snow, and yes, I don't like the cold, but we live here anyway. But, um, Max said Buffalo is such an innately caring place.

He said the people are innately caring and very kind, and they're not like that everywhere else. Yeah, she has now discovered.

Yeah, so he really likes Buffalo.

I think it has made him like Buffalo more.

It would be nice if he would actually live in Buffalo. It doesn't sound like those are his plans, but we shall see.

We shall see.

So I'm trying to keep an open mind about my children's plans, although I would like all of them. And don't laugh at me because I'm going to tell you something after this. I would like all of them to just live at home and go down the street to school. And I am not the only mother who thinks that. And there are some very smart women in my life who are enforcing that.

Yeah, making it— saying that you don't get a choice.

So someone said to me today that they're very jealous I don't remember who texted me, but someone texted me— I know who it was— and said, I'm very jealous of the parents who have kids who are local. Well, to that friend and myself, we could have made that happen, but we didn't.

Not giving them a choice.

Exactly. Once again, I'm too nice and I screw myself. But, but hopefully I will look back at this and think that it was a wonderful decision. Yes, but I would—

growing up with Max at college.

But I would like to just keep them. I know, you know, I think that there was, um, a meme going around that us mothers, you know, we give— we carry them for 9 months, we give birth, and then we hold them and take care of them every need for the next 18 years and then they leave.

Yeah.

And how is that natural and normal? It doesn't—

maybe mama birds kick their baby birds out of the nest like a week, in a week.

I am not a bird.

18 years.

I'm not a bird.

Bye, fend for yourself, see ya.

I am definitely not a bird and I definitely would like to keep them.

Yes.

So that was our first visit.

Yes.

And it was wonderful and we loved having him home and no, I did not like driving him back to school. And so maybe, maybe it will get easier. I hear that sophomore year is easier than freshman year. I've had mothers tell me that next year will be easier and I've had mothers tell me it never gets easy.

So not easy, but easier.

We will see how I do. I will report back to you. Yes, I did have an October Winey Palooza Mom Challenge. It's in my Wine and Clues and Mom group on Facebook. Come join. I like to give away prizes. We like to share supportive, um, advice and questions, and it's a wonderful community. So come join us. And I picked a winner. So Susan Gatewood is the winner. So Susan, I will check Facebook to see if you gave me your address so that I can drop off your prize. I think she's local, but if she's not local, I will mail her something. So you don't have to be local to join because I send prizes all over the place.

She does, she ships them all over the country.

I shipped it to Melissa in— Melissa, I'm forgetting where you live, but I ship prizes.

Yes.

And on Friday on the podcast is Katja Matosevic, I think is how you say it, and She has a Release, Rewire, Reclaim program that we are going to talk about to make your life improved. And I love our e-words, so she had me the moment that I read what her program is because she used some of my favorite words. Um, loved her, loved talking to her. You're gonna love her. And, um, what else, honey?

Go to whinybalooza.com, scroll down until you see the giant pink banner that says sign up for the free Moneyploosa Community Newsletter. Enter your email address and you will get Rebecca's wonderful free email newsletter 3 times, 2 to 3 times a week. And as always with this live, uh, the podcast, the blog, please like them, comment, rate, review, share, subscribe. All of that helps the algorithms know to show Rebecca's amazing content to more people, which we appreciate.

And we also learned We learned something that you'll find out in a second, that some people don't know how to do these things.

Yes.

So if you don't know how to subscribe, if you don't know how to rate, if you don't know how to share things— I am not the most tech savvy person. I had to learn a lot with all of the social media I do. Seth had to teach me so much stuff. He continues to learn stuff that I don't know how to do. But you can ask us and we will help you with anything that you might not know how to do.

We can show you a demo video.

Yeah. And please share this with someone who's kid is in college. Tag another parent who's got a kid in college and let us know if you have topic requests, and I'm happy to fulfill your requests.

So thank you for watching.

Have a wonderful week.

Happy Whiny Blues Wednesday.

We'll be back next week.