Episode 494: The Uncool Mom

I'm gonna go super short.

I have pictures of you with super short hair.

Okay everybody, should I go short or do you like my long hair?

I like her long hair, but I like you no matter what.

So sweet. Happy Winey Bluesy Wednesday.

Happy Winey Bluesy Wednesday. Hello everybody.

Hello everyone. Um, these 6 AM mornings are making me tired by 9 PM.

It's a long day.

I could go to sleep right now. What about you?

I could definitely go Super now.

Okay, well, let's do our topic. Our topic is— I decided that this week I was going to talk about the uncool mom, meaning me.

You are super cool.

I thought the uncool mom was appropriate.

Yes, and you're going to tell us how. Okay, so It's okay to be uncool.

So I actually think it's pretty cool what I'm gonna— yes, thank you! I was looking for words. I was like, I'm not upset about this. Um, I hope they can't hear our cat in the background. What's the problem, Faith?

Coughing something.

Okay, so anyways, let's focus, focus, focus, focus. I was not a very cool sister, and I am not a very cool mom. I did not buy my brother alcohol or drugs.

Your younger brother.

My younger brother, when I was old enough, and I don't do that for my kids either. So I have heard from multiple people that parents are buying their kids drugs and alcohol, and my friend who read my blog— thank you, friend— also mentioned vaping and cigarettes, which I did not talk about, but that is—

we're not buying them that either.

No, that is included in this whole topic. I'm so sorry, I think I needed to do this an hour ago. So the clocks are gonna fall back though.

You love that part.

I love when the clocks fall back, except it gets dark.

Yes.

Okay, so I am not cool because I am not buying them beer and alcohol and drugs for—

I don't think that's cool.

I don't think it's cool. It's good.

If that's cool, then I think it's good to be uncool.

So maybe I should have labeled it the cool mom.

Let me find out.

Okay, let us know what you think. So I will say that I modeled something that I learned from my parents, and I'm curious what Seth thinks of this. My parents let me taste their wine and beer anytime I wanted, and they never made a big deal of it. So I do the same thing because I feel like not making a big deal of it is a good thing.

Makes it not a big deal.

It's not a big deal.

It's not a big forbidden thing.

Well, I don't want them to do it, but they can taste my stuff.

Well, the good news is most beer and wine, to the uned— you know, to the palate that hasn't been forced to endure, it doesn't taste very good. I still don't like beer. It doesn't taste good. Like, why would you want to drink that?

Our kids don't seem to like it. Yes, or they're giving us a bunch of hogwash.

Hogwash, that is a technical term from social work land.

I don't know if they're telling me— I would like to think that they're telling me the truth, but I am also a realistic mom. I am uncool, but I am realistic. And I know that kids are curious. I know that teenagers are curious, and I know that kids like to try things. So I, I would like to, um, keep the lines of communication open. I would like them to be able to talk to me about it. So here's what I want to say: if you are one of the cool houses throwing the cool parties with the alcohol, with, with the drugs, with whatever— I got a cat puking and a dog farting.

Life, people.

This is our house. We need to go to your office to do this. Okay, so if you are one of those houses, I hope that you are either letting the kids crash on your couch, are taking away their keys, are making sure they get an Uber home. I hope that you are doing it as responsibly as you can. And as my friend pointed out today, if you are a teacher, then you can get in very big trouble and get fired from your job.

So, and even if you're not a teacher, you are still civilly and criminal— I believe, yeah, a lawyer, yeah, you are civilly and criminally liable for any actions those children undertake or any accidents they get into because of the alcohol or drugs that you allowed them to consume on your premises.

I mean, the good news is Ubers are very common. So what?

Yes, there's no reason that they should drive home inebriated or under the influence.

Back in our day, you know, I have Uber. We didn't use no Uber. Did they have— they had taxis, right?

You would have to call them.

There was no Uber.

I mean, they were available.

I mean, now nowadays Uber is very popular, so just call an Uber.

Yes.

Or go to sleep on the couch. Yes. Don't get in your car.

Yes.

Okay, so I have told you in many blogs for many years to pick your battles. I have told you that for a very long time. I am going to tell you that this is a battle to pick. Safety, safety battles Seth and I pick.

Yes.

Um, I have some non-negotiables. Um, I told them they had to learn to swim. They didn't want to take swim lessons. I said I didn't care. Did you agree with that?

I agree with you.

Okay, so I told them they had to take swim lessons. I told them they had to learn, they had to be a good swimmer. They had to have to wear their helmet on their bike. I don't care if it's uncool. I'm the uncool mom. They can be uncool with me. And they have to be responsible with driving. And they cannot drive under the influence. We have talked about that many times. And they can't get into the car with anyone who has been drinking. Now you might be saying that that's common sense, but have you gone over that with your children?

And have you looked at the statistics of accidents and find out apparently it's not common sense?

Well, I just want to say that we shouldn't assume anything. I have learned with my children that I have to be very specific or they try to get around the system.

Yep, we've had some people do that. You give— unless you tell them exactly what they can and cannot do, they think it's gray area and they think they can do it.

And our kids aren't perfect. We are not the perfect parents. We do not have the perfect kids. We make mistakes. Our kids make mistakes. I'm going to tell you about one of my mistakes. Let's talk about what the therapist said wrong here. So I said to my daughter Lily, who is 13, I said, um, you are not allowed to drink alcohol or do drugs. I said, you're not allowed. She said— so that's not the right thing to say, okay? She said, do you see how I am about what I eat? Do you really think I'm going to put that stuff in my body? So she gave me a great answer. Yes, but impressed by that. It's a great answer, but I have to go back. I told my kids that they need to— I need to tell Max. I told Ella and Lily that I really want them to read this blog. So I will send the link to my kids and I will say, you actually need to read this one. I don't do that all the time, but, um, I recommend going over this one with your children. And, um, I'm going to tell you something better to say because I didn't do the best job. Rewind, repair, replace. Well, I don't want you to drink alcohol or do any drugs. I do want you to know that you can always come talk to me about anything related to this. You can tell me anything and I will be there for you. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me. So while I prefer— yes, while you are not allowed— not allowed, I probably shouldn't— I want them to be able to come to me. I want to be realistic. I know that kids try things and I want them to always be able to talk to me. I don't want my kids to be afraid of me. I— we want our kids to run to us, not away from us.

Excellent point.

Right? So I don't want to scare them that they can't talk to me about any— a certain topic. I have told them that I'm an open book about any topic, but I have to prove that to them with how I handle situations when they talk to me.

Yes, and not react the way that they view as negative, right?

And you all know that I'm not perfect, and you all know that I'm emotional. So do you think that I'm perfect every time? No. I would love to rewind a few situations and do better. My son is like, well, when you yelled, it was scary. And I was like, it was? I was scary? Like, I didn't know that. Definitely did not have to yell at him often, so I don't know what he's talking about, but it scared him when I would get mad.

Interesting. Yeah, I want to know what time he was talking about.

Okay, so we got to ask him what was scary. He just doesn't like when I'm upset. He does not like it. He is gonna be that husband who runs in and is like, what's going on? What do we need to fix? Huh? Where did he get that from? Gee, I don't know. I can't imagine.

Thanks, honey.

From my wonderful husband. Yeah, so he's gonna be a wonderful husband.

Yeah.

Okay, so I need to repair with Lily and fix that situation. I don't always say the right thing. And in my brain, I am trained. So there are times when I am talking to Seth, who's sitting next to me—

yes—

saying the wrong thing.

It does happen.

And in my brain, it's, you probably should give yourself a timeout. You probably shouldn't say that. You're probably upsetting him. And I do it anyway. So We all do it, so repair it and fix your screw-ups. So I will talk to Lily and I will make her read this. So our school system makes parents watch a video. So if you don't have a high school kid yet, you have a video coming your way when your child is a freshman. They are not allowed to go to homecoming or prom unless you watch the video. I watched the video and 4 years later they're making me watch it again. So in 4 years when Lily is in school, I will be watching it a third time. But maybe they're updating it. It might, it might be updated from the last time I watched it. So, um, I wasn't like, oh, they made me watch this, I'm not going to learn anything. I was like, maybe I'll learn something from this.

Laws may have changed.

Yeah, I was like, well, they're making me watch it again, so either they think I forgot or they've updated Okay, so one of the things that I learned, and you'll get to watch it if you're in my district, is how many hiding places kids have for alcohol and drugs and vaping. I had no idea how many hiding places there are. We may think that we know what's going on. We may think that we're steps ahead of them. Kids are always smarter than the parents. It's very rare that the parents know more than the kids.

We think we know more.

We think that we know more. We think that we're smarter, but they're figuring out all of these things. I mean, I couldn't believe it. And my friend taught me to look through your children's garbage. Have I told you that one? I do. So, um, kids may realize that we're going to do that. So I empty all of the garbages in the house, so I have that opportunity to do it multiple times a week. But I have been advised by friends to look through your children's garbage. So just a little tidbit—

that is interesting—

tidbit to share.

Yep.

Um, but they're hiding it in crazy places. I wish I could think of an example for you, but I was like, I mean, like, you think it's a pen, it's not a pen. Like, they can do crazy things.

Alright then.

Okay, so kids are ahead, but what can we do as parents? We can educate our children. Our children are taking health class, but do they fully know the dangers of drugs and alcohol? Do they know that a child just died at school from drinking too much? They don't know unless I tell them. That I know this story. And, um, I don't know if it was the video or TikTok or somewhere, I learned that they're playing this game where they put a bunch of pills in a bowl and they think it's fun to just take a pill and they don't know what they're taking.

Oh my God, that's terrible.

I don't know where I learned that. It might have been the video.

Seriously, do you— are you trying to kill yourself?

So You read the blog. You can read it at whinyplousa.com.

Didn't remember that.

You didn't remember that part. Okay, so tell your kids these things.

Very bad idea.

Yes, tell your kids what's going on. Tell your kids to watch their drink. Um, someone was just slipped something on TV. A star that I know was talking about how someone slipped something into her drink. And thankfully she was with a friend who protected her, but, um, this just happened to her. So people slip things into your drink, um, so you shouldn't be alone. I think it's good to be with a friend, and you need to watch your drink. In fact, they sell things to cover your drink, but it's not cool, so I doubt our kids are going to do that. So just tell them to watch their drink.

Go to theuncoolmom.com.

Go to the uncool mom and she will give you the uncool cover. Right?

Yes.

So we want to tell our kids— listen, this is what I want to tell my kids. You don't have to agree with me. You can call me at any time. Um, Max, when Max is at parties, I tell him I don't care what time it is. Like, if he drives there— this is a perfect example— I say to him, listen, I don't know if you're gonna do anything. I don't know if you're gonna drink or anything. He tells me he doesn't. —let's hope he's telling the truth, whatever, we don't need to get into specifics—I'm like, "I don't care what time it is, you don't have to drive home. I will come and get you anytime. 2 AM, 3 AM, don't drive home. Sleep there, call me anytime." Yes. So we want our kids to know there is no repercussions, there's no consequences, just call and I will get you. And you don't want your kids to feel bad if If they take an Uber and they charge you for the Uber, just be glad that they're safe. Yes, that's my two cents.

And drive them back to get the car the next day.

Yes, or drop them off if they know they're gonna drink. Drop them off. You can pick them up or they can take an Uber. Um, share stories. Share stories about your childhood. Share stories about your friends. Share stories like the girl who just died on campus from drinking too much at a party. Um, I told the kids there were a couple times that I drank too much and the room starts spinning and I end up feeling super nauseous and gross. So I don't like it. I don't want to feel that way, so I avoid that feeling. I don't know about you.

I do not want to be nauseous either.

I have— have you ever gotten like totally too much alcohol?

Not since college, so it's been a long time.

But in college when you did it Once or twice. How did you feel? Did you pay for it?

Yes, I paid for it. Thankfully, I never drank so much that I vomited, but there were— there was a time or two at a party that I literally found a chair, sat in a chair, held on to the chair, and like refused to move for like an hour or two until I was sober enough to actually stand without being dizzy. That was not pleasant.

I said, "I don't want to do that again." Okay, well, I have puked and I don't like the whole room spinning thing.

No, I do not either.

Yeah, so I avoid that like the plague because I do not like it. No spinning room. Okay, so we're gonna share stories and we're gonna be a good example. If you are going out with your friends and getting plastered, you're showing your kids that it's okay. I'm just gonna say that. My kids know that we don't drink a lot. We just don't. So that's the kind of example that I wanna be. Um, I've been doing less and less, less and less. Although, you know what sounds really good? A margarita. Oh, oh, that margarita flight! Where was the margarita flight that I wanted?

Outback Steakhouse.

Darn it, why didn't I get that?

Because you had already told me to have a drink anyways and you were driving.

Okay, wait, back up. Oh, I know what I was gonna say.

And you would have been on the floor if you had had 4 mini margaritas.

I would have just tasted them all. Yeah. And then you— that's what we should have done, and I should have made you drink. That's great, honey. I just want to taste everything.

What else were you gonna say?

Um, I want my apple sangria that I'm gonna make.

Yes, for Halloween.

Yes. So for Halloween, for Halloween, I make apple sangria, apple cider sangria.

But if I'm— if we're driving people to a game, I can't have any.

Oh yeah. That's a good point. Well, we'll figure that out. Okay, I won't chug it. Please don't chug it. I might need multiple drivers that night. Okay, I'll be ready to drive.

Yeah, and sober.

Yeah. Um, anyways, be a good example. Yes. So we tend to say— Seth tends to like to get a drink sometimes at dinner, so I tend to just stick to water or whatever. Yeah, my Arnold Palmer drink.

They always come over, would you like another drink, sir? And I say no, one's enough.

So peer pressure, let's teach our kids about peer pressure. And the thing about peer pressure, obviously they don't have to do what their kids are doing, what their friends are doing, but the bigger thing is, is I think sometimes kids don't know what to say. So give them, like, talk to them about, like, what would you say in this situation? And I don't care if they roll their eyes. Help them anyway. Inside, our kids, our kids appreciate us even when they roll their eyes, even when they think that we're crazy. Your wife appreciates you even when she rolls her eyes. Honey, I really try not to roll my eyes because it's contempt according to Dr. Gottman. Yes. So there's no rolling. Have you noticed that I don't roll my eyes? I haven't rolled my eyes since I learned that that is a real no-no in marriage.

You've gotten much better.

Yeah, I try really hard not to do that. You should not roll your eyes at your husband. We might roll them at a certain child of ours, but not in Myanmar. Um, there's a lot of hand gestures in our house that they don't see. Um, it's just between me and Seth. I'm giving away a little secret over here.

Yeah, some dirty laundry.

Some dirty laundry. Um, anyways, where was I? Peer pressure. Help them, give them the tools to know what to say. I'm good. No thank you. No thank you. I don't drink is okay to say. Like, be proud of not drinking.

Straight edge, baby.

Okay. Consequences. Do they know the consequences? So in the video from the school, a judge got on the screen, said, bring your kids to drug court. Let them see what kind of consequences these kids are getting in drug court. And I was gonna say, we have consequences in our house. Yeah. But we can't control what consequences a court system's gonna give them. That is out of our control. And that's out of our control.

And it's gonna be much worse.

Drinking and driving can be like really serious, so. It's life-changing in a very bad way. So hopefully the uncool mom has taught you something tonight. You're a great uncool mom. Very proud. Very proud to be the uncool mom. I still have the social butterfly to raise, so we'll see how that goes. We're going to see how this goes. We're going to do our best. Um, we've been 2 for 2 so far. Yes, we're going to knock, knock on wood for that. And, um, we're going to keep doing our best to be good parents and responsible parents. And, um, like I said, we We, we don't want to like judge and say you're a bad parent if you're providing stuff to children. We underage— are they children? Some of them are just underage. I don't know that I would call them children. Teenagers, young adults, whatever. Underage. Yes. Just tell them to go to sleep on your couch or get them an Uber, please. And I want to tell you So I think this was an important topic, and this is the topic suggestion. I don't know if Seth knows that. I did not know that.

Thank you, suggester.

I will, I will tell you about the suggestion after we are done. But I love when you guys send me topic suggestions. I think this was a really good one. I don't think I've done this one. We have not. Never done it.

Remember it if we did. So if we did, it's been a long time.

Okay, so Friday is Halloween. So I said to my producer, let's do a Halloween special. I said we have to do something Halloween-esque. Okay, so Marcella Gonz— oh, I think I spelled it wrong. Gonzalez, don't quote me, I think I wrote her name down wrong, is on the podcast Friday and she is unlocking your inner magic and it is a Halloween special and she was super cool to talk to. I had a whole session with her before the podcast, so thank you, Marcello. Um, yes, I hope I took notes somewhere in your notebook. Um, we will look for the notes so I can share with Seth. But I love some of these amazing people, like, talk to me before I even interview them because it gives me insight into their process. Awesome. So it's a really fun job that I have. Somebody gave me a really cool job over here. Who knew how cool this would be? I get to talk to really amazing, special people every week. So thank you, husband, for that. You're welcome, wife. And I have more very cool people set up I have my 500th episode coming next month. That's amazing. It's freaking crazy to me. And, um, what we would really love for you to do— so Seth and I were talking about this— I need to go on all my pages and share my newsletter. So where do they sign up for the newsletter?

If you go to winyepalooza.com and just scroll down, you'll see a big pink banner that says sign up for the Winy Palooza Community Newsletter. Just Fill your email address in that form and you'll be all signed up for her free multiple times a week parenting and marriage email newsletter.

Yes, it really helps me out.

And you'll also get Teenage Tuesdays from Ella also included.

And send it to your friends for me, please. And send this episode to your friends and have your kids— share it— have your kids listen to this one. It might save a life. I don't always say to my kids that they need to listen to anything that I do, Um, sometimes I interview people and I'm like, oh God, they need to hear this one. I'm telling you, this is the topic to talk to your kids about. Don't assume anything. Um, just educate them and talk to them and make sure— I don't even know what— we don't talk about health class. I know Lily's learning about obesity.

Yeah, she's fascinated by nutrition.

So this is up her alley because she is a very Fit Healthy Girls. So I'm sure she likes learning about that. Yes. Um, so I have to ask her, I don't know that they've done alcohol or drugs or sex yet, have they? It's only October. They got time. We have the whole year for her to take health and then she gets to take it again in high school. So I do know that they take health, not sure about the curriculum. I'm sure they learn a lot of great stuff. Um, do you want to tell them any of the other things?

Let's start with going to whinyblueser.com, signing up for the newsletter, and then we're going to make some tech support videos showing you how to rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast.

Oh nice. Okay, I didn't know you're doing that. You're doing that with me or without me? Yes. Seth tends to just tell me what I'm doing. It's been working for me. You can keep that up. What am I gonna do next, honey?

I'm writing a book. Yes, not a Whiny Palooza book.

Not a Whiny Palooza book. Super exciting. We're gonna find out if it's any good.

But the first 3 pages are good.

There's more than 3 pages. I didn't let you read the end.

The first 3 pages I saw were good.

I wrote the beginning and the end.

Now you just need a middle. Now we're gonna finish.

We're gonna do the whole middle. So have a wonderful week. Have a safe and happy Halloween. If you live by me, let's talk to the rain people and tell it not to rain. So help me out, let's have it not rain on Halloween. And, uh, we will be back next week with a new topic.

Happy Wine and Blues at Wednesday.