Episode 499: The College Smarter Method

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast and I am so excited today. I'm already having the best time. We are just having way too much fun. I get to speak to the fabulous Dr. Carmen Bell-Ross today. Dr. Carmen, thank you so much for doing this with me today.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm laughing from what we were talking about. Okay, I'm getting ready. I'm going to be serious now, Rebecca. Thank you for having me today.

You never have to be serious with me. She is so wonderful. She has so much to share with us. I don't even know where to begin with her, but let me introduce her first. Dr. Carmen is the founder and CEO of SP Grace LLC and the creator of the College Smarter Method, a proven framework that helps students turn their academic journey into a standout story for college admissions and beyond. With over 20 years in leadership, education, and workforce development, She's guided families, schools, and professionals to achieve clarity, confidence, and purpose. Dr. Bell-Ross— oh, nope, Dr. Carmen combines psychology, strategy, and storytelling to help students succeed in college and life. Told you we're going to laugh a lot today. So now you know why I'm excited to talk to her. She already knows that I have a son in college who just started college. I have a daughter who's a junior, and I have another daughter who's an 8th grader. And you also have a child in college.

I do. She is a junior at Harvard studying neuroscience.

Eddie, I can't wait to tell my son that. That is freaking amazing. Wow. So she's got this, the street cred to help us, let me tell you. So tell us what inspired you to create the College Smarter Method.

So seriously, I— so unfortunately, I divorced my daughter's father when, um, she was very, very young, and I was, you know, putting extra pressure on myself to make sure that I made the best choices for her. I mean, she was so cute, had these little fat cheeks, and, you know, was so happy and bouncy. I'm looking in this little face and I'm like, oh my God, I am responsible for this. And for making sure she turns out to be a great person. And you know what, Rebecca, you can do things for other people all day, every day. It's totally different when it's you, right? It's totally different doing it for yourself. And, you know, this is my only child, and I, I just, I had put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to make sure that she was going to turn out to be great. I was like, listen, I was putting her in everything. I was like, okay, you I gotta put her in all these activities, everything I could come up with. I'm gonna live in this little bitty house in this really expensive school district, just so that she could thrive. And I was just doing all the things. And I had to take a step back and I was like, hold on, let me pay attention to what's happening here. And I started to, I mean, I also had done this work. I've spoken to thousands of students about college admissions and all the things, right? But again, it was my kid now. And so thinking about how do I actually shape her entire life so that it points to success? And I don't just mean success like getting into college, getting into a great college. Getting into Harvard. I mean like— well, yeah, that, you know. And just thriving. Like, don't we want our kids to thrive? We want them to get there. We want them to want to stay there. We want them to be successful. We want them to be happy. Like, I don't want her to be somewhere where she's just going through the motions to make me, you know, proud. I didn't want that for her. I wanted to create a path that she could own and a space that she felt like she walked confidently through the world. And so, you know, I took the things that I knew about college admissions. I also integrated from that a lot of the things that I know from doing career and professional development across my entire career. With leaders in all kinds of organizations through the C-suite. And I put all that stuff together because, you know, leaders, they call us whenever they have people that don't know how to treat people or don't know what they're doing. And, you know, so that'll keep us employed forever because people don't know how to treat people. But like understanding what are the things that happen in workplaces that cause companies to say, we want to invest in this, we want to spend money to help these people be better. And looking at what I knew about college and college admissions and also Taking on top of that what I knew I really wanted for my child, because that's a different layer— my values, what's important to me, um, and this little personality that was not the same as mine. And so that's how— that was what inspired the College Method, you know. I thought she was gonna be like me, and she just wasn't. I, I played the piano as a young child, and so we bought her a piano. Okay, this is crazy. We bought a piano because we thought she'll be a child piano prodigy. My kid realized at— I think she was about 3— that the piano played itself. And so she turned on the piano and started dancing next to it.

That's amazing.

That was the end of that. Oh my God. So she's a dancer. She's a captain of Harvard's competitive dance team now. So she's a dancer. I cannot— listen. You don't want me to— if I dance, that would go viral, okay? Because it's not good. Okay, just saying.

You're hysterical. Well, you know, so, so you help kids, and I know, yeah, you know, they're so focused on their grades and their activities. Like, tell us about your method. Go beyond the grades and the activities, and I mean, what, what do the children need to be doing? To get into Harvard?

Well, okay, so see, here's the thing, here's the thing. This is the truth. Yeah, students who apply to competitive programs are all impressive. You don't apply to Harvard, you don't apply to Cornell, you don't apply to Georgetown, the University of Michigan if you are not impressive. You just don't do that. Um, your parents can brag on you all day, every day. So if impressive is everywhere, then you have to be unforgettable. And yes, good word, good word. You have to, you have to be unforgettable. And that's where I really help them because my method is around saying, of course you're amazing. Of course you are. Your parents helped you to be amazing. You're naturally amazing. You put all that together. There's just a lot of amazingness in there, right? Um, but we got to show the world that, and you have to be able to show a university. It's bigger than just having a great story. Students have to own that story. It's got to make sense for who they are, and we help them own it because we got to validate these kids. This is huge, right? Because we don't always realize how we're shutting them down when we are trying to tell them what's best for them. You know, "Hey, that's nice that that's a cute little hobby that you have. You know, you could do that on the side, but now let's focus on what you're really going to do with your life." Guess what? That hobby that you think is that cute little hobby might be the very life force of that child. And that might be the very thing that you can connect to other things in a way that, that child not only feels validated and empowered, but they feel confident. And now when they're telling the story of why they do what they do, who they are, why they're making the choices that they're making, they do it with conviction and with passion. And people feel it. People remember that, you know what I mean? And so when you're applying to college, yes, you need a great story, but I'm going to tell you, they prefer a real story. What are you really bringing here? Like, seriously, what are you bringing to our campus that we really actually will find valuable? That you're smart, that's nice, but everybody that applied is smart, right? I know.

That's what I told my son. I'm like, everyone has a 99 average, Max. You got to do more than that.

Yes. And the thing is, I think sometimes as parents, we don't realize that doing more than that is not more work. It's not more stress. It's just different.

Yes.

Right.

Yes. I like that.

Everybody is playing from the same playbook. We're all— you know, people are all playing from the same playbook. They've got to have leadership. They've got to have community service. They've got to have, you know, all these things. Okay, guess what? Everybody doesn't have showy gifts, right? Everybody doesn't want to be the leader. Followership is a real thing. What kind of team member are you? How well do you encourage other people when you're not great? Think about Rudy. You remember that movie? You remember Rudy? Like, Rudy, Rudy. Okay, well, in any case, like, everybody can't be the superstar, but how great are you at being a background player, at being a supporter, at being an encourager? There is real value in that. And guess what? You can talk about that when you talk about why you do the activities you do. Hey, you know what, Sarah, you're not the best dancer, so why are you like still on the dance team? And like, you sit in the back, they put you in the back row and everything. And you know, all these things. I do it because I love the art form and somebody has to play the role. Somebody has to be back there. If there's no background, then the foreground doesn't show up. Man, doesn't that say a lot about you? So do what you love. Like, we got to validate them. So I'm sure that was a long way around the answer.

Oh my God, that was such good advice. Okay, so you know I have to ask you this question.

Okay. Why do you—

why do you think your daughter got into Harvard? What do you think did it for her?

I told my daughter that, um, we need you to own your own story. It's got to make sense. For you. And I want you to be your 100% authentic self in your interviews and in your essays. And if a school doesn't choose you, then guess what? You're not maybe the right fit there. Maybe that's not the right place for you. But you want to be able to be somewhere where they read about you, they see you, because your application has to speak for you when you're not there, right? They don't see you, they don't get a chance to necessarily talk to you. And so I said, you want to be your authentic self with your authentic best foot forward. Authentic is a key word here. And the right matches will present themselves. I said, we are not applying anywhere that's not a great school for you. If you aren't interested, if you don't feel like you could have an amazing experience there, if you don't love that school, we're not applying. We're not applying. Apply for what? You don't want to be there. That's a setup for failure, right?

Yeah, more good advice.

Yes, you're full. You choose them, they choose you. Yes, you guys both have to choose each other because this is a match thing, okay? Don't just worry about getting in. You want them— listen, you gotta want them too. They— you are not just begging somebody to take you. You are saying, hey, I'm bringing something of value. If you get some of this then your campus will be blessed by my presence, right? And so I say that playfully, but seriously too, because, listen, schools are looking for what are you bringing here that would add value? And so you want to make sure you show up with that. So I— that was my advice to her. You know, we, we certainly had a plan and a strategy for her stories to make sense because I picked her activities and we picked her you know, her classes and all the things to align with her story that made sense. Um, because it makes sense because of who you are.

Congratulations, because that's a success. I'm sorry, but it's a success for us too.

Yeah, don't apologize. Listen here, I tell people, we— people, I'm like, we go to Harvard, okay? Like, I wear more Harvard stuff than she does. We go to Harvard.

You're awesome. I know I need some more merch. I really do. Next time. Next time.

Yes, we're all— listen, we're all the merch. We did this together. This is a team effort. This is a family effort. We're all wearing it. In fact, I got one for the dog. Let's go.

I'm totally gonna do that. I said to him, can I get you another sweatshirt? Can I get you a blanket? Mom, I'm good. I'm just gonna do it. I'm not even gonna ask him. I just want to buy all the merch.

Buy the merch. What, are you kidding me? We did this together.

What do you think the biggest mistake is that families are making in the college process?

One, um, I think everybody is playing by the same playbook, as I said before, you know, listening to what everybody else is doing and feeling the pressure because we then apply that to our kids whether we realize it or not. Hey, you know what, Derek, you need to, you know, you need to, to get in more leadership roles. Derek, you need to do this, you need to do that. We're stressing them out and it's not necessary. It's not necessary. You want to play smart. You want to understand how colleges make decisions about who gets in. You want to make sure that as you understand how colleges make decisions, then you can be more thoughtful and strategic in how you plan, right? You also want to make sure that you're not telling your kid to be somebody they're not. That's the wrong message to send all along. We want them to get there, we want them to stay there. We want them to thrive and be successful. You know, they— I can't tell you how many kids leave after the first year, um, and, and that's unfortunate. And, and then what we hear is, well, college is not for me. And I have such a problem with that statement. Um, college is not for everyone, so that's not what I'm saying. But when students go away to college, they knew when they were in high school that college would be more school. They've been in school their whole lives. They know how to be students. Yeah, you know what I mean? It's not that you don't know how to be a student. So when you say college is not for me, to me that means this college might not have been for you, this program might not have been for you, this situation might not have been for you. You know, perhaps you're studying something that really, I mean, it doesn't interest you. So no, it's not for you. You are right. So let's get that part right before you go. So that when you get there, you know, because for most of us, even whether you go to college or not, is there or is there not more professional learning that has to take place as you move into your career?

For sure.

Right?

Yes.

You know, you got to, you got to learn somewhere. Somebody's got to teach you something for a career. Right? And you guys know how to be students. So, like, let's get, let's get the match right up front. So that you can thrive while you're there and you're happy and you're not having to come home and be miserable and all the things.

Well, and I also think just from observing that we can do our best as parents and as professionals to guide them to the right school. But if it's not the right school, I think it's okay to switch too.

Oh, absolutely. I mean, absolutely. This is— listen, Life is short, right? So you, you have to be open to a pivot. I think a lot of times though what happens is that we don't realize that we're making decisions, especially with college. We don't realize that we're not necessarily making the decisions that are aligned with the child and the family. It's got to all match up, like the kid, what the kid wants. I mean, they don't know what they necessarily want for a career. I mean, we just told them what they were going to eat for dinner last week, and we just told them what they couldn't, couldn't wear, where they couldn't, couldn't go. And now we say, hey, pick what you're going to do the rest of your life. Like, get out of here. They're not ready for that. But, but who are they? Like, what do they love to do? What lights them on fire? As parents, we should be paying attention to that kind of stuff, and we got to validate that and say, okay, if that lights you on fire, where else can we go with that? You know, let's lean into that. If this is what brings you joy, if this is where you are at your best, like, let's look at the possibilities for that path. And, and, and so, um, when you do that, I think that you increase the likelihood that they'll end up somewhere, you know, that'll be a good fit for them. But yes, you are absolutely right. If you get somewhere and it does not work out, you keep it moving. That's fine.

I mean, I'm the mom over here telling them to do less and they don't listen to me.

Yes, yes. And you know, seriously, sometimes less is more, right? Like I, you know, I have no problem with saying take— I, in fact, I did. I, I've said to, to more than one student, including the one that, you know, belongs to me, um, I've said take those, some of those classes off your, your, your plate. Like, you're doing the— you don't need these particular AP classes, or this is senior year, I want you to focus on these things. Like, we adjust. It's not necessarily more, you know. I want you to enjoy this space and this time because there— that's their story in that.

You're full of such good advice. I'm taking it all in because I'm about to just do it again. I'm about to do this again. Um, I'm taking— I'm trying to take a breather. She's not really giving me a breather because she's so excited, but that's okay. I like the excitement. I like it.

Yes, excitement is good, especially when they're getting ready to go to college. So that's, that's a great thing.

And I want to talk about the excitement, and I want to talk about starting the process, but some people, some parents are reaching out to me and telling me that they can't get their kids to even talk about college, where to go, starting the process. Any advice to these parents? Because it's stressful.

Mm-hmm. So I would dig into that. Do the kids actually want to go to college? See, that's, that's a whole other layer because there was a time when if you went to college, your kids were expected to go to college and they knew they were going to college. It sounded like a natural extension of high school for me. I, I didn't even ever think of college as an option. It just was the next thing you do after high school because that's what my parents told me. And there was never a thought about that. That's not— that, that's not the same anymore. Young people recognize that they have lots of options, um, if they are listening to the media around them. You know, there's not really a lot of as much positive conversation around the college path as there was at one time. You hear more about, you know, getting into student loan debt and college not being worth it and all that kind of stuff. And so there are all these other forces that are at play here. Um, and so they're, they're, they're taking in all that at the same time they want to satisfy and please their parents too. And so some of them aren't really ready to talk about it because they're just not sure that that's the path they want. Um, some of them are like, I'm gonna do it because my parents want me to. Some of them think they may not necessarily see where college could allow for them to expand and grow in areas that they really love. Like, if you want to be an entrepreneur, that doesn't mean you can't go to college and really get a lot of things that will help you be a better entrepreneur, right? That doesn't mean that, right? Um, it doesn't mean you got to wait to start your business, but you know, there— I think, um, that you got to kind of dig into what's really going on with them, um, why they don't want to talk about it. They're— they— senior year, junior year is super stressful for them.

I know, it's just a lot of pressure. I saw one of my friends out with her senior daughter And I whispered something to her like, what's her plan? And she goes, don't ask. Like, don't even bring it up. She doesn't want to talk about it. So like, I have picked up on the fact that every kid does not want to talk about it.

I know. And that's what the thing is. That's the natural question that so many adults ask young people when they hear you're a junior, you're a senior. Oh, where are you going to go to college? Or what's your plan? Or what's next?

Yep.

Like, I mean, they don't know. They're stressed enough. They're— listen, like I said, we just told them last week you're going to eat salmon for dinner, and it's gonna be broccoli, and you're gonna have some rice, and that's that. You're gonna eat it. Yeah, and you're gonna eat it, and you're gonna go wash the dishes immediately after you finish. Like, we just told them you can't wear that and you're not going to that party. We just told them that. We just told them you better be on time for school tomorrow because— like, we just told— we tell them everything, and then all of a sudden it's like, okay, well, now you get to make your first major decision. What are you going to do with the rest of your life? Imagine the pressure.

Too much, too much, too much. So to the family who is starting the process, they don't know where to start. Can we give them some advice?

So first, if you are a parent of a middle school child and you're thinking about it, I strongly suggest that you set up an appointment with, with us. We have a complimentary College Mapping Advantage session that you can sign up for on our website. And the reason I say that is that it is really helpful in middle school to start thinking about what do you really want to do, how do you want to do this so you don't stress them out and yourself. I think the high school years should be relaxing— not relaxing, okay, they should be fulfilling and they should be building. These are the last years we have before these little rascals become adults. Okay, we should be building memories and doing things that are meaningful and that we'll look back on and laugh for years to come. That's what we should be doing. So I encourage parents who are middle school to get started early. And, you know, even when— whether a parent decides to become a College Smarter family or not, they benefit from that meeting because that conversation allows you to go like this, whoo, you know, just to exhale and understand kind of big picture on what to do. High school parents, listen, wherever you are— I mean, the same high school parents also can reach out, um, and, and schedule the same meeting with us. I think it's important to first take a step back and think about, as a parent, what's the end game here? Okay, college is the next step because a lot of us just think it's the next step, but what is the end game? Like, what is it that you actually really, really want for your kids? Like, there's a reason we send them to college, right? So what is that? Um, and then it sometimes is easier to walk back from that. Like, my endgame wasn't college. My endgame was a successful child who has a gratifying career where she can take care of herself well and her mom and her mama too. I just want to throw that out there. But that was, that was my endgame. That was my endgame. And so it was, that's what I really want. And if she had said to me, Mom, I, I you know, I see a different path, I can't lie and say I wouldn't have been disappointed on some level. But then I'd have gotten over it because I would stay focused on the endgame— successful life, career, happiness, joy, mentally healthy. And so I think that's really important.

So what's interesting to me with my children listening to you, you know, I told you I have the freshman in college, I have the junior in high school, I have the 8th grader. And the 8th grader will say to people, people, I'm 13, I'm in 8th grade. Like, because everyone's starting to ask her now, and she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm 13. So you're saying good for her, it's okay to start talking about it in middle school?

Yes. And I think it's— I think we have to just shape the questions a little bit differently. What do you want to be when you grow up? What do you want to do? Ask me that question right now, and I probably can't. Uh, but no, seriously, I think that it becomes more like, hey, what sets your soul on fire? Like, what lights you up?

Oh yes.

What is it that you are doing when you are the happiest? What kinds of things do you do when you want to get centered or relax? What are you doing when you're having lots of fun? You know, I think asking those kind of exploratory questions can help them to think about, you know, what's important, because what they love to do is important. It's not just a little side hobby. It's not. That's not right.

I'm getting that message from multiple people. So trust me, it's sinking in. I love that you're all telling me this. I, I think a lot of us parents are doing things wrong. So I'm glad that you're here to teach us.

I would say we're doing the best we can with the information that we have. Yes, with what we know of our children and what we believe to be the best for them.

I think that's what we're doing. I mean, if you could tell parents one thing, like you want all the parents to know something, what would you tell us?

Hey, listen, your child is good enough. Yeah, they're good enough to get exactly where they're supposed to go. I'm telling you, parents tell me, well, my kid isn't really a scholar, or my kid is not really— we love— I, I can't tell you how often parents tell me what their kid is not. Um, let's focus on what your kid is, because we are all gifted in our own ways, and we are purposed. And I think it's important to understand that even though you might have a child who doesn't necessarily have showy gifts, you know, that child might not be the artist or the athlete or the best speaker, debater, whatever, um, those are showy. The world can see those easily, you know, but your child might have some incredible gifts that are not easily seen, like a gift of encouragement. Your child might be that person who's always giving friends the best advice. Your friend— your child might be an amazing listener. Hey, guess what? Those things work really well into careers that are really, really viable and that they could be moving into that are purposed and meaningful. We got to pay attention, and it's okay for them not to be the scholar or them not to be the best, you know, athlete or the best whatever, because they're the best something, the best whoever they are. We tap into that, and that's what we show the world. Wow.

Yeah, they don't all have to be the president of the student congress. Or the student— is that what it's called? Student Congress?

Yeah, sure, sure. I mean, if you— there's nothing wrong with being that. I'm not saying don't be the best that you can within your life, whatever that looks like. But what I'm also saying is that if that's not your path, if that's not what makes sense for who you are, meaning the child, then let's lean into what makes sense for who you are. I do believe that whatever it is that a child is gifted at or is good at, let's tap into that. And give them the best possible opportunities and experiences related to that to see where that might go. I think that's valuable. And that also makes for a far more interesting conversation, a far more interesting essay, a far more interesting interview.

Yes. Yes.

You know, I'm a skateboarder. Oh, wow. Well, how is it that you are a skateboarder and you're going to Emory? Like, how does that work? Right. Because you know why you're a skate— you know why you skateboard, you know what skateboarding feels like to you and how you want that for other people to feel free and to feel like they can, you know, be creative and still sporty and whatever. Like, to have their why that they own in a way that they can articulate, it's really empowering for them. And they will talk about that. They'll talk about stuff that they love if you as parents validated for them first and not as just their little hobby.

Yep.

Do you know what I mean? Like, how many times have we said, that's a cute little hobby, but let's talk about something serious? Like, no, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's just take a pause. Maybe that cute little hobby might be the key to something amazing for their future, something innovative.

Yes. You know, yep, I'm learning this. I totally hear this and agree. So I'm going to get selfish for a minute. You know, I had told you I wanted to talk about the adjustment because this is a huge adjustment. Everyone's like, you're doing great, you're doing great. And I'm like, but am I? So, so I wanted them to go down the street to school. They're both rejecting me so far. And obviously want to go away. So he's adjusting, I'm adjusting, his dad's adjusting. Give us advice on a good adjustment.

Okay, so first let me just say this: contrary to popular belief, I actually think that the adjustment is harder for the parents than it is for the student.

I can believe that.

Our roles have changed, and they've changed permanently, and they've changed in a way that we haven't really prepared for because we've been totally focused on the kids, um, throughout their entire lives. We have served as directors. We direct their activities. We direct where they go to school. We decided what school districts or what schools. We decided the activities. We decide— we even, we even manipulate things to help them decide friends, like friend groups. You know what I mean? And I mean, I'm just saying we do. Well, not everybody, but I know a lot of us do.

Yeah.

And so we're directors and that— and, and especially I think as moms, because, you know, we really lean into feeling like we are so responsible for our kids. And when they are transitioning into college, guess what? They're becoming adults. And so even before they get to the end of high school, they're at a point where we're having to start to transition from being directors to being consultants. And I'm going to tell you something, consulting and directing are not the same. I personally like directing. That means do what I said. I like that part. Okay.

I love— you're awesome.

And when there are no— when you don't do that part, there are consequences because I want you to understand that what I said is what I meant, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, um, okay, but I want you to think about how we treat consultants. Who do we hire as consultants? Attorneys, you know. Have you ever had an attorney give you advice and you thought, hmm, that's good, and then you did something different?

Yeah.

Have you ever, um, yeah, have you ever had a financial advisor make a suggestion and you went out and got the Mercedes anyway? Uh, have you ever had, have you ever had an accountant— like, we hire advisors to support us and to us even in adulthood. But guess what? We take what they say, we listen, we decide if we think it's great advice, we, we put our own little spin on it, we place our own values and our own priorities on in the mix, and then we do what we want to do. Now imagine doing that and then having your attorney call you back and say, I told you not to do that, right? Imagine having your financial advisor say, yep, I knew that wasn't a good idea. Like, are you serious? I'm done with you. I'm moving on to a new consultant. So think about that when it comes to our kids.

Yes, yes. Yep.

We are not the directors. We are the consultants. So one, consultants wait to be consulted. They don't just call you up and say, this is what you need to do.

Hey, Rebecca, I was thinking that this is what you need to go out tonight.

Yes. Like, no, they don't do that. They wait for us to reach out, and when we reach out, then they listen and they offer guidance based on their expertise and their experience. Yeah, we take it into consideration and then we do what we're going to do. Yeah. And then even when we do the differently, we still come back and say, hey, here's what I did, can you help me navigate this? Yeah. They don't say, well, I told you not to do that. They say, okay, We're right here now. So let's consider the options. Yeah, right.

Yes.

That is the role that we as parents have to lean into. And when I tell you that is so hard, it is so hard. But I think when you get your mind wrapped around it and that knowing what you put in is going to come out, what you put in all these years is there. My biggest win in the last month, I've been giving my daughter advice. Of course, I've always got advice. I've always got something to say. And I feel like she takes some of it, she discards a lot, right? But she was making some important personal decisions. And as she was telling me about the decisions that she was making, I heard my voice in her conversation. Like, I heard her giving back to me how things that I've said informed her decision-making. She didn't say it that way, but when she was talking, I was like, oh my gosh, like, she's been listening. It didn't seem like she was listening before because I've been saying it for years, but she's listening. And so it's like, you just have to trust the process. What you've put in is in there. And my daughter is a junior. I wasn't seeing the advice come through freshman and sophomore year, but junior year is coming through like gangbusters, guys.

So you just gotta be patient. That's awesome. Well, and you know, as parents, we have our own adjustment. The kids have their own adjustments. And I'm seeing parents all over social media stressing about the fact that their kids are not adjusting well. If you have any advice for them. Thankfully, I'm going to knock on wood, not having that issue. "but I feel for everyone whose kid is not having a smooth adjustment." Yeah.

So one, that's normal. And I think reminding them that's normal is good. Two, I am a big advocate for getting help, mental health help, right? And it doesn't mean that there's something wrong. The healthy people go— the healthy people are the ones that seek out the help, right?

True. No, it's true.

Yeah, yeah, we don't— let's not shame them. Let's encourage them. Hey, they have some counselors on campus, somebody you could talk to. I think that would really understand where you're coming from. I've always told my daughter, we don't lie to our doctors, we don't lie to our therapists, we don't lie to our accountants, and we don't lie to our attorneys. So, you know, encourage them, tell the truth, be 100% honest, and then somebody can actually really help you. When you pull back, then they can't really help you in the same way. So I think encouraging that. Um, I am also a big believer in finding your tribe. I don't care, you know, even for me as a business owner, I found my tribe. I've got other business owners that, like, when I want to quit and, like, throw the business away and go get in the closet and tell everybody leave me alone, I have other business owners who remind me Nope, you've got this, let's go. And we hold each other accountable. I think really encouraging them to find their tribe. Their tribe might not just be other students, because sometimes students have a hard time kind of finding their people at school. And yeah, so go join stuff, do stuff that you actually like. That's what I tell them. Don't join stuff that you think will look good on your grad school application or when you get a job. Nope, you're a freshman, forget all of that. Yeah, go find some stuff to do that you think is fun. That's it. Just stuff you would do all by yourself that you think is fun. And what happens is that you find other people who also think that it's fun, and then you start building connections. So if you really like working at the homeless shelter, go volunteer, go do that, you know?

Yeah.

You really like working with kids, go find some little rascals that you can like tutor and that you could work with. Right? And if nothing else, in the meantime, you're actually doing something that's keeping your spirits lifted, um, while you find your people.

Oh my gosh, you have so much advice. You know, I could keep talking to you all day about college, but I'm gonna ask you— I'm not gonna do that to you. Um, is there anything that you think I didn't ask you that is important?

You know what, um, I think the most important thing is one, for us to all keep calm. Honestly, I think that we freak out and don't realize that we are freaking out. And when it's our kids, we freak out even more than we would ourselves. Um, right, it, it's, it's— there's no need to freak out when it comes to thinking about as a parent if you have a student that you really do believe will be college-bound. There is a strategy. There's a way that colleges decide who gets in. It's like chess, not checkers. Okay. And so if you need some assistance with that, we are happy to support you and help you to come up with a strategy to keep your life easy peasy throughout the high school experience. And that's not about saying, like, you know, hey, we're going to ride you about essays and things like that. Those are kind of byproducts. Those are things that come along. You know, they come along naturally when you understand The whole point is that these schools want to see who you are. That's really what they want. So be more who you are, right? Let the kids be more of who they are. And then it's a matter of just showing that off. That's what we're doing. We're showing it off. But lean into those things. I think that, um, sometimes we don't realize the pressure we're putting on our kids. And sometimes, uh, because we want what's best for them and we want it so desperately, And they see right through our, oh no, do what you want, I just want you to be happy. They know that, but they see the pressure in that too, you know. Yeah. And I think it's important to validate them. You know, I think about how, as much I love my mom, she's amazing, um, and I remember when I wanted to, you know, I loved planning events. I started planning events, parties, when I was 8. I used to read the JCPenney catalogs. And I would go straight to the, um, to the wedding section. They used to have like bridesmaids— okay, I'm aging myself— but in any case, they had like these bridesmaids dresses and wedding dresses, and I used to like go through and pick those out. And then I had these child craft books, and in the child craft— they were like kid encyclopedias— they had one called Make and Do. I would pull that out and they had all these crafts, and I was like, okay, I'm gonna plan a party and I'm gonna use these dresses and have these piñatas I mean, it was like, that was just— I loved planning parties and things and celebrations because I thought it was just fun. And that was a cute little habit— hobby to my mom. It was a cute little habit. That was cute. You do that as your side thing. I didn't actually know that that could have been a career. I had no idea.

Oh, I know.

I had no idea. All throughout college, like, I would open up bridal magazines. Like, that just brought me so much joy to see, like, the latest greatest thing that they've come up with where you can shoot confetti in the air and it floats down delicately. And I'm like telling my mom, is like, mm-hmm, that's cute. So anyway, um, when you graduate, then— so listen, fast forward, I'm like, you mean that there are careers? And here's the other thing, even if you don't think it's a career in the world we live in right now, you can make it one. So let's, let's, let's validate them for who they are, where they are, what what they already love to do. Um, that doesn't mean that we don't encourage them and teach them and expose them to other things. There's an art to that. But yeah, it is so important for them to know that we genuinely believe that who they are, what they naturally are wired to do, and what lights them on fire can light the world on fire, and they can be the catalyst for that.

That's incredible. Well, tell everybody where to find you.

So if you want to find me, please check us out. Visit our website at CollegeSmarter.com. It is CollegeSmarter.com, and that's an ER on the end of smart. And you can certainly schedule a time to have an appointment to talk about your student. And, you know, you might just mess around and get in a meeting with me and then you'll be like, how did I just end up spending like a whole hour of my life like laughing and talking? Because, you know, I love to meet parents.

And because you're a lot of fun.

Thank you. This is my heart's work though, Rebecca. I, this is, I really feel like I'm really proud of my career and all the cool things I've been able to do. Um, I'm, I'm proud of the things I've had to overcome to get here, but I'm going to tell you This is my space. This is what I love. This is where my heart's work is. I am operating in my purpose in this work. I love watching my students thrive. I love watching them, you know, go off and live, you know, these lives and get to college and, and do things that they've dreamed of. This is my happy space. So I, I'm doing this work at this age. I'm, I told you I'm looking like fewer years ahead of me than I've got behind me. And so I want to do stuff that I feel is meaningful. And I love talking about it. So you're right, if you end up meeting with me instead of one of my teammates, you're going to be like, oh Lord, how did we get here? But I certainly hope that you'll find value in that.

Well, I think you're amazing. I loved getting to talk to you today, and I can't thank you enough.

Likewise, I love your energy.

This is fun. This was so— I knew it was going to be fun when I met you and we were like, um, this is freezing. And we just laugh. So anyways, thank you so much. I loved this.

Thank you. It has been truly a pleasure, and I have so enjoyed laughing and, and talking to you and doing the whole mom thing because, you know, it's different.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. This is Rebecca Green, and I want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.