Episode 505: Boundaries Change Everything

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday! You're at an angle, move over.

I'm just trying to be comfortable.

Okay, are you comfortable?

You want me to move over?

Oh, I want you to be more in it than— you got to be more in it than me.

I want you to be more in it. We're a little late.

Yeah, sorry about that, that's my fault.

It's such I'm sorry. Anyways, that's a whole nother topic. Yeah, that's a whole nother conversation.

I think I gave you some good material, honey.

Oh my God, I'm exhausted. You hear this every Wednesday night. I apologize. Next Wednesday night I'm gonna come on and I'm gonna be like, I have tons of energy.

You'll fake everybody out. I think you should totally do that.

So I'm very excited to— I'm gonna try not to yawn. In my defense, I get up at 6, so by 9 o'clock I'm ready for bed.

I don't know about you, but yep, um, 15 hours to go, 15 hours down.

I hope everybody drove safely to get today.

Yes, very snowy.

It was very snowy today. And, um, we have a very good topic request tonight. I love when you guys send me topic requests. So tonight is all about boundaries. Boundaries change everything, if you didn't know that. And I'm very excited to talk about this awesome topic. All right, I'm not always good at boundaries. I have learned a lot. I think you have learned a lot.

Yes.

And I think we've taught each other about boundaries along the way.

I'll give you 90% of the credit. I'll take 10.

I mean, you've taught me things. You have, you have better boundaries in certain areas than I do, and I, I teach you about certain areas.

I think you have more better boundaries in more places.

Really? Okay, we're going to talk about that. Okay, so there's— I didn't even— if you go to winyplousa.com, you can read the blog that I wrote, which is much longer than what we're going to talk about. It's much longer than what I'm going to talk about, and I stopped myself because I missed boundary topics that I wanted to cover. But honestly, this blog took me hours and I kind of had a time limit based on my schedule. Like, I can't, I can't write my blog all day. I have other stuff going on, right? A blog can't take a whole day.

8 hours, right?

I can't take 8 hours on a blog. But it did take me hours and I had to cut myself off because I thought of more topics. Yes, so I'll try to mention as many as I can tonight, and if you think of stuff that we don't talk about, chime in and tell us another boundary topic.

Yes, write some comments.

You know, I think your father taught me about time when he said to me, I thought when we got together that I was supposed to run a bunch of errands to get things done until one day Seth's dad was telling me that my time was important and that I don't have to run to all those— it was about errands. I think that's where—

yes, you don't got to go to 4 stores to save $2 or—

well, and you know, when I give people so much credit who go to Wegmans and Aldi's and Walmart and Target, right, and they're getting different stuff at all the places, I give them so much credit. But I don't do that. So anyways, our time is precious and we need to set boundaries around what we're willing to give our time to. And when we say yes to one thing, we're saying no to another thing. I can't— you can't do all right.

There's an opportunity cost.

So, so we need to block off time. So for example, if I have blocked off this time to go to lunch with Seth and someone requests a podcast— it's just an example— I'm going to say no because I want to go to lunch.

That's very sweet. You could— I, I would understand if there were times that I got bumped.

I understand that, but we have to prioritize what is important in our time, and we have to set boundaries around it. And an example for me, if we, if we go with my work schedule is that I only schedule my work around my kids, and I have time priorities. You know, I drive them to their stuff, I want to spend time with them, so I just— I set boundaries.

I had that today. I had a client at 3 before I went to pick up Ella, and I told them I've only got 20 minutes because I have to go get my daughter. You sent me an hour invite, I can't do an hour. And he said, I love that you're going to go get your daughter, that is more important, and we can get our stuff done in 10 minutes, which we did.

Oh, that melts my heart. I booked Seth for every Wednesday at 3:30 because I cannot pick up Lily and take her to tumbling and pick up Ella, right? So Seth has a new date with Ella on Wednesdays at 3:30. I do. Okay, our energy— we only have so much energy. And oh, I was just telling— I was just telling one of the moms at tumbling that, um, she went to a party Saturday night that Seth and I were invited to. And I said, I feel so bad. I was on the couch under a blanket, no makeup, hair not done, not a cute outfit, cars up and down the street. Kristen's here. Hi, Kristen. And I turned to Seth and I said, oops, we had a party down the street tonight. And he went, you never told me. I said, because I didn't put it on the calendar and I forgot and I can't get up and I can't get ready and I'm too tired. That's okay. I didn't have— I love you, neighbor. If you happen to see this, I love you. I love you and your family. I am sorry, I screwed up. I did not have the energy. It's okay. What energy do you have? If your friend is like, can you come out for an hour? I need to talk to you about this really important thing, and you're drained, you can say, I love you, friend. Can we find another time? I'm drained today.

I don't—

I have— my cup is empty. So anyways, what energy do you have? Oh, and the other thing is notice when you're with people who is draining your energy and who is giving your energy. Because guess what? If you're giving me energy, I want to spend more time with you.

Absolutely.

Parenting boundaries. Do you know that we need to say no to our kids?

What?

Mind-blowing. Lily added stuff to her wish list. And I want to tell you what I said to her. Go ask your aunts. I've ordered you enough things, kid. Go ask your aunts. Boundaries. I don't bend on safety. I say no when I mean no. Like, what are your boundaries with your kids?

What are the non-negotiables?

They need boundaries. They don't have a fully developed brain. You have to think for them sometimes.

Yes, still.

Okay, so, oh, one of the perfect boundaries that I wrote down: I won't let you speak to me that way. I have had that conversation with a little beautiful diva upstairs.

Yeah.

Okay, marriage and partnerships.

Sorry, honey.

Boundaries with our spouse. You will not be defensive with me. I will not allow it.

Sorry, sorry.

It's okay.

I started a new note on my phone, pro-fensiveness, and I'm tracking every day I'm going to be pro-fensive.

What the frig does that mean?

I made it up. It's the opposite of defensive, but not offensive.

I'm on the defense. Did Rebecca say something that's gonna hurt my feelings? I'm gonna—

sorry, I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm gonna give you so much love, you're gonna have nothing to defend.

You do every day. I'm sorry.

So me, not you. Anyways, a wonderful boundary that Seth and I have discovered over the years is Marriage is wonderful and it can be exhausting.

Sorry.

And if, if there's a conversation that Seth wants to have, I might be too mad or too drained.

Sorry.

And my sweet husband will want to talk about it in that instance and get it done, and he has learned over the 21 years together that he might have to wait until his wife calms down to have the conversation. So I have to set those kind of boundaries. And you set the boundaries with your kids and your spouse on how they talk to you and how they treat you. So I'm going to tell you that you can be very specific about what you expect from them. And I've had that conversation with many moms. Yes, yes. Extended family. Yes, yes. What do we want to say about extended family? I think that the thing that I have found is that— and I'm going to remember this when I'm a grandma they got to raise their kids already. Like, it's our turn. Like, my mom has said to me, these are your kids. She knows that.

Yes, um, everybody does.

I, I am just saying that it's our turn. You had your turn. You had your opinion with your kids. Unless we ask you, we're not really looking for your opinion.

No unsolicited advice, right?

And things aren't going to work for us like Um, it's so funny, the example— when I was looking up examples with extended family, one of the examples was hosting and holidays and negotiation. You have to be able to negotiate and set boundaries. I would say that I have a ways to go with this. Okay, wouldn't you say?

I think we are all works in progress when it comes to extended family.

Friends, so I love that my friend will say, "I have from 11 to 1 to meet." It's just an example I'm throwing out there, like set the expectations, set the boundary. I'll do that with my friends only because I have things like at 3 o'clock I'm gonna leave because I gotta go get Lily.

Yeah.

So I'm very clear with like, I love you, I wanna see you, and this is what time I have to give. Mm-hmm. And you know, as far as, you know, venting and all of that jazz, like, ask your friend what they're up for. You know, can I vent to you? Are you up for it? And I'm gonna tell you that I'm not gonna want you to vent about the same thing 50 times. If you're not going to work on it. I'm going to actually want you to make some changes.

Progress.

I'm going to want to see some progress. I'm not going to want to be your friend listening to the same woes for 20 years. I'm just saying. So, friends need to respect your time and your values, and you need to check in with yourself after you hang out with a friend. And is this a friend that you want in your life? Is this a friend that adds value to your life? You are the director and you are in charge of your life and who is in it.

Yeah, you're a casting director of your— of the movie of your life. I like that analogy.

Oh, work. We're going to talk about work.

Great.

Oh, his favorite subject. I'm not going to throw him under the bus.

You could.

We don't have the best boundaries about work, and I'm going to tell you, um, You know, I have good boundaries around my kids and work. Like, this is when I'm willing to work around my kids. Um, we have negotiated a really good deal in our marriage where most of the time Seth can work whenever he wants, and I try to cover everything else. Yes, there have been times where I will ask him to get Ella or Lily, right? But I try not to. And as far as bringing work home, I work at home, so that I don't have— I'm not good at these are my work hours, these are my non-work hours. I work all over the place, right?

You'll check email whenever.

I don't add up my hours. I can't tell you how many hours I work. I can't tell you what hours I work. I work when I can fit it in.

Right.

And it might be 10 o'clock on the couch, and, um, I could probably work on that. Seth works at an office, but he brings work home with him. It's great if you don't bring work home with you. I have a friend who, um, goes to work, comes home, spends time with her kids, and then when her kids go to bed, she'll do more work so that she has a boundary around spending time with her kids. So it's just making boundaries that work for you. I think that if what you're doing right now isn't working for you, you need to evaluate what better work boundaries you need. Seth was telling me about a woman who's— who, the famous lady who said balance is BS, you need boundaries, from Shark Tank. And she turned off her work phone when she left work.

Yes.

And there was—

he couldn't get her.

Yeah. And she was done with work when she left work, and she has excellent boundaries. So I would just say, um, I interviewed somebody who told me that when she comes home, she puts her laptop in a cabinet and shuts the cabinet door, and that means she's done with work.

I like that.

Um, she puts her work away. So everybody figures out, you know, methods to the madness of what works for them. Um, I would say I am the type of person who is really fuzzy with work, like like a suggestion that I have read over and over is to have a shutdown ritual. I don't know if you have a ritual at work, but I have heard this from many people that you should have a 5-minute, like, this is my ending my workday ritual, to like do a routine of your body and mind knowing that you're shutting down work.

I like that idea. What— any examples of what that could entail?

So turn— you know, I'm just giving you an example. Um, you're packing up your bag, your bag, you're turning off your computer, you're organizing your desk so it looks good for the next day. Like, what are you doing that is ending the day and getting it ready for tomorrow? Okay, so it's just kind of like setting your brain up for this is the end of the day.

Got it.

And I don't have that stuff because I work where I live. Yeah.

And, and I also put your laptop away and not check your email on your phone.

I also don't have a workstation because I work in every room of the house. Yeah, I work in every room of the house.

So you could set a boundary: I only do work in this room and all the other rooms are work-free zones.

I could.

Just a thought, not saying you should.

Okay, possible. Tech— I'm trying to run through these. Technology. Um, you know, I think one of my pet peeves with people is them telling me they don't have any time. And I'm gonna tell you that if you evaluate your social media time, you're gonna find at least an hour in your day that you could take back and and take away from technology. But are you looking at me? Because I know I'm— I'm—

you're on it for work.

I'm on it for fun too. Sure, I'm getting nail ideas, book ideas, um, what's the other thing? Recipes. So evaluate how you feel when you go on social media, when you're scrolling. Are you leaving feeling good? Are you leaving feeling bad? Evaluate what accounts make you happy, what accounts don't make you happy. Get rid of the ones that you shouldn't be following. For me, I was thinking about this when I was writing this. When I— I'm just going to give you TikTok for an example. TikTok makes me so happy. I get the best ideas for my nails. I get the best ideas to read, and I get the best recipes to make for my family. So I'm writing all this stuff down and taking pictures, and I'm energized. So I'm leaving TikTok ready to go do something.

That's awesome.

So it's not bringing me down. But if there was an account on TikTok bringing me down, I would get rid of it. So I want you to evaluate how you're feeling, and I want to tell you some of the things that I've seen with boundaries with kids. And you need to have boundaries for yourself too. Like, maybe 7 to 8 o'clock is like no phone. Like, give yourself some boundaries. For me, like, I put my phone on do not disturb. And I'm sorry, friends, if I put my phone on do not disturb and you text me, I'm not going to get your text. And that's usually around 10 o'clock at night. Around 10 o'clock at night, I stop texting. So I should tell all my friends that I'm not getting your texts after 10 o'clock.

They might have figured it out.

I will get it at 6 AM.

She'll wake you up and tell you.

I try not to text them at 6 AM. But here are some boundaries I see parents doing. No social media until a certain age. No phone until a certain age. Letting your kids know that you check their phone every night. Taking electronics away every night at like 8, 9 o'clock at night. And I'm going to tell you that your kids are going to copy you. So, if you want them to do less phone time, then you need to do less phone time. And I'm going to jump to inner critic because we need to set some boundaries with ourselves and how we talk to ourselves. So, people only treat you how you let them treat you, and that goes for yourself, your spouse, your kids, your friends, your coworkers, your boss. We allow people to talk to us how they talk to us. So if you're talking to yourself poorly, it's your job to put the kibosh on that and be like, hey self, that is not true, that is not nice, I'm doing great today. Like, go away, come back when you're ready to talk nice to me. Like, you can put the kibosh on what you're saying to yourself.

I love that.

So I really, I want to give you a couple of examples of things that I have said to myself this week. I love that meal that you cooked. I'm impressed with that blog that you just wrote. I put so much time and energy into this and I was like, that was a good blog.

Good job, me.

Yes, you just organized and put away 4 loads of laundry. You go, girl. Like, these are things that I'm saying to myself. So I want you to argue with yourself and I want you to tell yourself to be quiet and come back and be nice. Okay, oversharing. So I want you to think about, is this the right person to be telling this to? Are you close enough with this person? Does this person want to hear what you have to say? Um, are you oversharing too quickly? Just evaluate, is this an appropriate thing to share with this person?

Too much information.

And ask yourself, why am I sharing this? Right? So I just want us to share things with the right people. You have anything to say about that?

It's— no, I do not.

You have something, that's why I'm asking you. I can see it.

I, I do not.

I don't believe you.

Okay, I believe that it is not appropriate, so I'm not gonna say it.

Okay, I'll ask you later.

Yes, later would be good.

Sometimes it's fun when you're inappropriate.

Fair enough.

Okay, so yes, Seth doesn't like oversharing. That's what he's gonna say.

Yes, there are people who have no boundaries.

Well, it's interesting because I went to get Ella's eyebrows done. Not the normal place, okay? We're gonna go back to the normal place. We were out shopping, there was a sign that they did eyebrows, and I was like, oh, Ella, you want to get your eyebrows done? 'Let's do it, you're overdue.' And the woman told us intimate details about her life.

A woman who you never met before and are probably never going to see again.

In front of my child. And it wasn't even appropriate for her to be hearing. So then I needed to set the boundary, and I didn't. And I needed to say, 'My daughter is 16, and I'm not comfortable with her hearing this right now. So it's on me for doing a bad job and not setting the boundary?

You gotta discipline that nail lady— eyebrow lady.

But she was so inappropriate and shared all these details, inappropriate details about her life, like intimate stuff with strangers, and one of them is a teenager. Time and place.

Yes, Jamie says time and place. Being inappropriate is fun, but consider the audio.

Seth is considering the audience of what he doesn't want to share right now.

Thank you.

Yes, but there is a time and place. Like, if Jamie and I are at temple in a service, oversharing, not a good time. Not a good time to tell her what's going on. I'm just saying. So, emotional dumping.

Okay, I am going to tell my friends Erin says, so true, definitely watch what you're talking about and to who, and be careful of who you trust.

Oh my gosh, that's such a good point. Yes. And I will say that I shared things the other night that one of my friends was like, you said that in front of so-and-so. And I was like, so? And she was like, I don't think that was smart of you.

You did not tell me this.

Okay, well, I didn't think it was a big deal. She did.

We'll find out if it's all over the internet.

We'll find out, right? So emotional dumping. I want to hear my friend's stuff. This is not me saying that I don't want to hear my friend's stuff. If you have stuff to share with me and I'm your friend, I want to hear it. However, maybe we want to ask first, like Do you have the space for me to talk about this right now? Like, are you emotionally able to hear all of this right now? I will do my best to be capable of hearing it, um, or tell you to schedule the time. But there's also, like, there's also the boundary. What I have learned— I'm a very empathic person, and what I have learned is that it's not my stuff, okay? So remember that when somebody is dumping all their stuff on you and you want to be there for them, be there for them, listen to them, help them, whatever they need, but don't leave with it. Like, brush it off. Yeah, I actually was taught as a therapist to literally like brush my work physically off of me with my hands, like brush it off to the ground, leave it in the earth, go home. So I like that. You could do that at work.

I'm gonna do that. It's gonna be part of my shutting down ritual.

You could be like, okay, you could stay here at work, I'm going home.

I like that.

So tomorrow I had a family who's still with me in my heart. Seth has heard about this family many times, with 13 kids in a one-bedroom apartment. And I went home crying a couple times, and then I realized this. First of all, you have to get some resilience if you're a therapist. You have to realize it's not your issues. Your friends' issues are not your issues. Your clients' issues are not your issues.

Christian says, like, all my medical stuff, hahaha. It's good to ask if people can handle talking about medical stuff.

Oh my God, so glad you're doing better, Kristen. You have no idea how happy I am that you're okay. She scared the crap out of me, people.

It was about you.

It was all about me. So Kristen knows that I do not like talking about medical stuff, but I'm sorry, if your friend is having a medical situation, you want to hear about it and you want to hear the details and you want to know what's going on. Emotional boundaries with that. Did I have emotional boundaries with that? Did I have boundaries with that?

I can't imagine you telling her not to talk about it.

No, no, no, not boundaries about talking about it. I mean emotional boundaries for myself. So, I wanted Kristen to talk about it and share, and I wanted to hear all of the details. I mean, She knows that I—

No, I mean, you had feelings. I mean, I had feelings when we didn't know what was going to happen, and then when we got the good news, I mean, I cried.

Yes, she knows that we were all upset. Um, I did my best. I kept myself— Jamie thinks I kept myself in check. I did my best. I did my best. I definitely would say that I tried to be strong for Kristen. I probably cried to Jamie once.

You cried to me.

I cried to Seth.

I cried with you.

Yes, boundaries if they can handle it or not. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And, and like, I have people, I have people in my life— I'm trying to think who just did this to me. Somebody was like, I gotta show you this, and I was like, don't show me, and they showed me anyway. Who just showed me their big huge bruise? Who was it?

You didn't tell me about this.

Oh my God, I'm like, don't show me.

I'm gonna say that would— you get grossed out.

Like, so I'm telling you, friends, I do not want to see. I don't want to see any scar.

I don't want to see the gaping, don't bleeding thing.

I don't want to see. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a nurse, I never would go to medical school. It's so funny, I, I don't know if I ever thought about being a psychiatrist, but definitely not, definitely not. "People who don't respect boundaries." So my advice on that is— I think we've definitely encountered this many times— just reduce contact. You know, if people routinely upset you, then those are people to reduce your contact with. Lower contact is my— if you have said your piece and you're still not getting the respect, then you don't have them in your life as often. That is what I think the answer is.

Okay.

Um, so what I'm going to say is, if you requested this topic and I did not answer your questions, send me a message and I will do my best to add on to this. And I can always do a part 2. So if you guys feel like there's more to cover, I can I can write more and talk about more, but that is a lot of boundaries. We have to have boundaries in every area of our lives. I don't— I think I'm better in some than I am in others. Where would you say I need to work on it? Do we both need to work on better work boundaries?

Yeah, probably. I know I do, so yes.

I mean, my work is like fluid.

Trickier for you to pull off. I'm not saying it's impossible, it'd be harder.

I could have set hours.

You could.

I just do not, right? Oh my God, Jen was like, do you want to go for coffee? And I was like, my work can wait till after coffee.

Coffee is important.

Coffee is more important than work. No, it's not. I don't mean it that way. So anyways, um, That is my boundary topic. I covered as many as I could. We also thought of money. You and I thought of money. Um, money boundaries is important.

I mean, that was a whole separate show on that.

That could be a whole separate topic. Overspending, having boundaries around— oh, having money boundaries around the holidays. Yes. What— having— it's so funny. So our book club did a $30 gift basket I was like, I'm gonna try.

Somebody did not spend $30.

I'm like, I'm gonna try. I have to get— so that is a goal of mine, is if a white elephant gift—

Rebecca's gift locked out. Jamie says there is always more to cover, that is why I call you.

She's so sweet. We could talk all day, but you do know that it's happened. So, um, Anyways, one of my goals with money boundaries is if— and friends, don't hold me to this, I'm gonna do my best— is if there's a $25 white elephant gift, I'm gonna try—

I want to get Rebecca's.

I'm gonna try to spend $25. If there's a $30 gift basket, I'm gonna try to spend $30.

No, no, no, the operative word there, try.

When Seth said that I could spend $100 on each kid for Hanukkah one of our first Hanukkahs, I laughed at him.

I said that was the budget.

Um, book club basket. Just laughing. She's laughing at my book club. I did not spend $30 on my book basket, but I should have. Yes, I'm definitely upset with myself, but I have so much fun spending money. So like, some people, it like hurts them to spend money. I am so much more like my dad than my mom in this topic. Like, I find joy spending money. Like, I'm like, let's go buy this house, and Seth is like, okay, I guess we'll buy this house. Wink wink. She's laughing at me because of my book basket.

Yes.

I am like, let's go buy this car, and Seth is like, let's look at the less expensive car. So have some boundaries around money, and you might want to discuss that them with your spouse, right? So, um, this Friday, yes, on the podcast, Kristen went over to— I think $30 was hard.

$29.95.

So I did go— I'm almost done. Do you need me? Are you going to bed? Okay. Um, I did go to Barnes Noble, which is not the best place to go for a $30 book basket.

You can go to bargainbooks.com.

Well, so I wanted to get them this book that we're gonna read for book club and it was $20. And I was like, that only leaves me $10 to spend on everything else.

The basket itself might have been $10.

Oh my gosh, so anyways, I think the basket's prices, we probably should have done like a $40 or a $50 book basket.

Who was on the podcast on Friday?

Lori Weingarten. And we had the best conversation about college. Um, this lady is amazing. I loved her. You're gonna love her. You're gonna learn from her, and I learned from her, and Seth is gonna listen and learn from her. Did you listen to this one yet?

I listened to the last college one.

Okay, you're gonna love— has it come out yet? You're gonna love her.

So listen to it on Friday. Go to winypalooza.com. Yes, fill out the form, enter your email address to sign up for the free Winey Palooza newsletter, and then check out all of Rebecca's amazing content and like it, share it, comment on it, maybe subscribe to it.

No, yes, subscribe.

Give her a rating and a review. 5 stars would be awesome. And you could give her 6. They won't let you. But all of that helps because it shows the platforms, the algorithms, the social media platforms, the podcast platforms, to show her content to more people. So you can be the rising tide that lifts all boats by sharing Rebecca.

That's very sweet. The goal is to get this to as many Moms is possible.

That's right.

And if you're not a mom, thank you for being here, because not— thank you moms for being here. Non-moms are welcome too.

That's right.

And the Wine with Blues and Moms group just did— it's free, it's on Facebook, come find us— we just did the December challenge, and I have to pick a winner, so I will do that tomorrow because I started to do it today and I didn't finish it. So that will be tomorrow. So thank you for doing the December challenge, thank you for being here, and we will be back next week with a new topic.

Happy Wine with Blues Wednesday.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com. Podcast offer.