Episode 509: Rewriting the Rules of Motherhood

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Plousa Podcast, and I am so excited because I get to talk to the amazing Alicia Beach. Alicia, thank you so much for being here with me today.

Thank you for having me. I'm excited.

I am in Buffalo, New York. It is snowy and cold, and I just told Alicia she has the best last name ever.

And I'm in Los Angeles, right? Close to the beach where I think it's gonna be like 80 degrees today.

Oh my God, you see that I'm all bundled up. It's like so cold here.

No, we're like, oh my God, it's 60 in the morning, I'll put a sweatshirt on, it's so cold.

No sympathy for you.

I can't blame you.

Let me tell you about this fantastic lady. She is so many things. She's a Hollywood actor, an activist, and fierce self-care strategist who's rewriting the rules of motherhood. Thank you, Alicia. As a working mom of 8— yes, I said 8— in an unconventional blended family, um, we're going to talk about this. She lives with her husband, actor Michael Beach, and his ex-wife, which I'm very curious about. Alicia knows firsthand that the perfect balance mothers are sold is total BS. After going viral in 2015 for her relatable breastfeeding photo— go look it up— um, and experiencing a very public mommy meltdown, she founded The Mom Forum and became a certified strategic planner dedicated to helping mothers prioritize themselves without guilt. Her new book, Balance Is BS: The Truth About Motherhood and Self-Care, offers practical tools and refreshingly honest storytelling. She's been featured in Essence, Black Love, Rolling Out, and HuffPost. Alicia is on a mission to help moms reclaim control of their own versions of motherhood, one real conversation at a time. So now everybody knows why I'm so excited to talk to you today. And I, you know, I have to ask the people in charge who edit this, I don't know if I'm allowed to swear or not. Isn't that ridiculous? I don't even know the own rules to my own podcast.

I was gonna ask.

I don't know. I don't know. So, Adrian, when you edit this, I need to know if I'm allowed to swear. So what inspired you to write Balance Is BS and Challenge the Myth of Perfect Balance? And that is the best book title ever. I'm sorry that I didn't spell it out.

I actually heard that— I went to an event for moms that some friends were putting on, and in one of the sessions, one of the leaders of the session said that, and it just like, oh, what? Oh my God. It was like this huge epiphany for me. At the time, I only had one. Um, and so navigating through becoming a mom of one and then two and then adopting a child and then— and the stepmomming, that always kind of played around in my head, but I wasn't very good at enacting it in my life. So I probably have had a couple of big meltdowns over my motherhood journey. Um, and after COVID, I just shut down. Like, I was done. It was just like thing after thing after thing. And pretty much, yeah, every one of my kids, um, has a neurodivergence. They have a diagnosis. So I was managing this homeschooling idea through COVID, and I just was done. I, I I couldn't manage to motivate myself. I didn't want to do anything. I was shut down. Um, and I went to a therapist finally because I was like, I can't pull myself out of this funk. Um, and she was like, oh, you have clinical burnout. I was like, what do you mean? Not a thing. Clinical burnout? And she's like, yeah, it is a thing, and I'm seeing a lot of it. Um, and she basically walked me through learning how to really deeply care for myself, to make sure that I was okay and to not feel guilty about it. That's still a work in process, and that is kind of where this all came through. And as I was going through that therapy, I started writing Balance Is Bullshit. I need to read—

BS. I, I am gonna guess that I'm allowed to say it. I'm gonna find out for sure after this podcast. I was like I need to find— that's information that I don't know. So, okay, you said so many things that I want to ask you about. I mean, I had question after question. So I think that, I think that we do not do a good job of the no guilt thing. So can you give us some pointers so that we can get rid of the guilt?

I have learned it's okay to feel the feeling, but I don't have to sit in that feeling. Like, it can be a passing, like, oh no, I don't have to treat myself that way. And then I've also really this year been working on redirecting. Like, when the guilt pops up and gives me the story in my head about how I'm such a terrible mom because I messed everything up, and really I only did one thing wrong and did 10 things right. I will remind myself, nope, you did this today, you did this today. It's a no wonder you forgot about this other thing.

Well, and I think that's so important because we do so many things right all day, but we criticize the one thing that we're upset about that we did for the whole day.

Yeah. And we'll beat ourselves up.

We're very, we're very good at that. Yeah. But I want to talk about self-care, but I have to talk about the elephant in the room. So you have to explain this to me. You live with your husband and his ex-wife and 8 children.

So, so, well, there's not 8 children in the house. The 4 that they have together are adults. Okay. One is temporarily with us while she transitions to a new apartment. So they are all 27 and older. Okay. Oh, this is all been here living with us at some point, in and out. Like, every kid has lived here with us, but it really started out as they were moving. They were redoing the apartment building that they were living in at the time. And it just was like, well, I mean, we have a whole extra room downstairs. You're going to be away. My husband was going to be, I think, in Canada at the time filming. I was like, I mean, I'm open to give it a try if she can't find somewhere to stay. So she came to stay with us. I had just adopted my oldest at the time, so I had 3 at the time, and I was losing my mind again because I thought, oh, I'm a parent already, I'll just add one more, it'll be no problem. Not the case. And she was so helpful in just helping to relieve some of the, like, daily stress of getting meals done, um, making it so that I could leave my youngest at home when I needed to run out to pick up or take people to activities. Um, and it just worked. I mean, it's amazing kind of way. And then after that time, she did move away and, um, got a job in another state, and then she came back and it worked again. And then the intention was never for it to be permanent, and it just She kept going away and then you are always welcome back because we're a team at the end of the day. She's a very big part of our village. And I think it also benefits the kids, the older kids, that they have a home base where all of their parents are. And also for her, she's been a stay-at-home mom pretty much all her life. And I, after having kids and noise in your house, I can't imagine living on your own and not feeling surrounded by a family. So I think it works out for both of us and my husband.

And, and you got to get along.

Yes, we do get along. So we are lucky. Granted, I do not recommend this off the top for everybody. It's definitely not normal, but we get along. We all are mature adults, um, and there's no past hurts being held between she and my husband. And we're just there for each other. We see each other as family. So, and I mean, we have a house where she stays in the, the in-law suite downstairs on the opposite side of the house, so everyone has their own space. We're not on top of each other.

I mean, I hope you realize how amazing this story is. I mean, I could not wait to ask you about this. I am just blown away. I mean, I talk to a lot of blended families who have challenges, um, any advice that you can share to them to make it maybe smoother?

I think we are an anomaly. I will say that. To not look at us and go, that's how it should be going. We are an anomaly. And I got really lucky, uh, with her being so open to inviting me in as part of the family. So I think that was huge, is that she was just open to me being an actual integral part of the family. Um, and we just, we put the kids first. Like the needs of the kids come above everything else. And that kind of helps us make the best decisions for everybody. And we genuinely like each other. Like we're actually not that different. There are some things where polar opposites are, but in terms of how we think about raising kids and the type of food we want to cook and that kind of thing, we are on a lot of the same pages. So I think one, you have to align with each other, but if you can just respect each other as knowing, almost looking at them as teammates as opposed to the enemy, you might have a person you never expected to be a support person come into your life and just add a whole nother layer to this idea of the village.

Yes, and we need our village. We desperately need our village. Look, can we talk about your mommy meltdowns? You said there were at least a couple. Can you tell us like what they looked like and how it maybe changed you?

Oh, probably— well, it wasn't the last one, but the one that really is seared into my memory is when my youngest was born. My husband was working in Australia. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I think I was 3 months postpartum and he was in Australia. One of my stepdaughters was sick, she was in hospital at the time, and my mother-in-law had passed away. It was just like, oh my God, I was like, okay. And I was supposed to go to my husband in Australia, but our infant didn't have a passport yet, so he had to get all this paperwork done in Australia, like go to a magistrate, signed, send it over. It got lost by FedEx while I'm still, you know, running to the hospital, managing everything that's going on with 4 kids. And I got the paperwork the day before my passport appointment. I go to the passport appointment, I have my infant in a carrier, I go up to the desk and he's looking at the paperwork And I'm already a scattered mess. Like I just, we can get to my husband and I can give him a big hug. His mother had just passed away. And the guy goes, um, I can't approve this passport. The dates are wrong. I'm like, what do you mean? In the moment, I did not have the capacity to realize in Australia they write the day, month, year, where in America we write the month, day, year. Completely overlooked by everybody. He took it back to a higher up and came back and was like, I'm sorry, the dates don't match. We can't do this. I start sobbing. I just— the water broke. I'm sobbing. I had a cloth diaper as a burping thing on my shoulder. I'm like having this diaper over my face. My kid is hanging out of the carrier. I had to be escorted out of the room by security.

Oh my, I just—

it was like the last straw. I had nothing left. The floodgates were open. It was over. And I just remember I called my husband, and I'm not a crier, so when he answered the phone and I'm like, I can't— and he's like, what is happening? It was a pure mess. And I, after I calmed down from that moment, I was like Wow, I, this, I can't allow myself to get to this point again. Like, I had no capacity for anything in that moment, which is understandable, but I had been prioritizing everyone else's needs and I was postpartum and I had no boundaries and I was just completely done. And that was really the moment, the breakdown that I was like, something's gotta change here, right?

I mean, and it's sad that sometimes we have to get to those moments to realize what we're doing is not working.

Yeah, and it often takes one of those moments.

Oh my God, and we've all had those moments. Yes, every single mom has had those moments. So what did you decide to change after that?

I started doing more things that were for me. So that's when I started the Mom Form, which was kind of like a therapeutic writing exercise for me. I could just write about, you know, how I was feeling about motherhood, what I wanted from motherhood. That was really helpful. I learned to start saying yes to me first. And even then, still over time, I was still overpromising myself to things. And that was still a lesson I had to learn. In the future, but it was more about, okay, what do you need to do for you before you start doing everything for everybody else? And it really came down to re-looking at what are the basics that I'm doing that I can just put into my everyday life that just puts a little bit of rest into myself, or self-care, or a moment to sit down, or to feed myself properly, that just adds up to a little bit more ability to regulate throughout the day. I find makes the biggest difference. It seems small and a lot of people will even say that's not self-care. That's not self-care.

No, I agree with you. I totally agree with you because I started to realize— I don't know what it took for me to realize it. Maybe I was hungry one day, but I get up early and I make everyone's lunch and I send everyone on their way. And then I realize at some point in the day Like, what about my lunch?

Whoops, I forgot to feed myself.

I do. Yeah, I think we all do that.

Yeah, you're just going and going, and then the next thing you know, you're like, wait, I didn't think about myself all day yet.

I know. So what I hear from moms is, I don't have time, and I have too much to do. And you know, all the— I don't want to say excuses, but reasons, whatever we want to call them. So Can we like put the kibosh on that? Like, how can we help them?

I think because we have this idea of what self-care is supposed to look like, we get it shoved down our throats as we're looking through social media. Get up at 5:00 AM for quiet time.

Oh God.

Journal, drink your matcha. I'm not getting up at 5:00 AM. You know, and you get all these ideas and you're looking at it and thinking about your personal life and go, I don't have time for this. Mm-hmm. And so really the book is about finding what works in your life for the time that you're in. Like if you're a new mom with newborns, I don't expect you to get up at 5:00 AM. You're probably being forced to get up at 5:00 AM to feed a baby and 3:00 AM and 2:00 AM and 1:00 AM. But maybe that's the time of life where sleep is your self-care and you can focus on just that one thing and remove the guilt for not doing all the other things. So the idea is really to just get down to the simple basics that you need, not me, not Suzanne on, on Instagram, not your neighbor, what you need to help you feel a little bit more rested or a little bit calmer, or you find more ways to regulate yourself. That's self-care. And it's the buildup of all those tiny, tiny things that you do that help you function. It doesn't take the stress away. It doesn't take the chaos of being a mom away. It just gives you the ability to regulate through it at a much better level.

Well, and what I love that you said is that it looks different for what everybody needs because we're all so different. And I think people don't think about that.

Yeah. Like if you're a mom of a quiet toddler that likes to be on their own versus a mom of twin neurodivergent boys, your lives look very, very different.

Yes, yes. Oh my gosh, I cannot believe that the quiet children who sit and play all quietly, like, who has those kids?

I've heard of some people having—

they definitely exist.

I have not been blessed with one of those.

Oh my gosh. Well, and we hear this myth of like you can have it all. And I think that makes us stressed. So can we talk about your thoughts on that myth?

Oh, that's the whole idea of balance. Like, it just does not exist. I've been seeing on social media the trend going viral of we don't balance it all. We just choose what we're going to fail at today.

I don't like that.

Or you choose what you're going to do well at. So we can reverse it into the positive. It's like work is just not going to be the focus these days. I'm just showing up because I have to. And right now I'm managing all of the school potlucks and the upcoming performances and this Christmas shopping, the holiday shopping. So you have to pick where you're going to focus and be okay with everything else falling off the plate for a bit. It's okay. Nobody's doing it all well.

We're all trying. That's, that's, that's the thing. And we all think everybody else has it all together, which is another myth.

Yeah, which I guarantee you everyone has something that they're like, oh my God, this is a mess.

I know. Well, and I feel so bad. I emailed my producer right before this and I was like, oh, we needed this for the holidays, so I feel so bad. I think this is coming out after the holidays, but we needed you like December 1st.

That's okay, you can do a new fresh start. That can be your New Year's resolution.

We're gonna start the new year with, with being nicer to ourselves and, and finding some self-care in our day. Okay, your photo that I mentioned that everybody needs to go look up. Okay, so tell us about what that photo and real motherhood means to you, because I told you, I looked it up and I said, this is motherhood in a nutshell right here.

It is. That was my daughter who is now 11. She's so grown up. Oh my goodness. She was what, just under 1 at the time? And I had gotten up. Thank God none of my kids were very early people. So I had gotten up and gone into the bathroom and was just really having quiet time being on my phone. And I guess she had gotten down out of the bed and come into the bathroom. And on her way over to me, she had opened all of the bathroom cabinets and pulled all kinds of stuff out, just drawer by drawer. And she made her way over to me and she climbed up and she just wanted to breastfeed. And I was just like, this is crazy. And I said to my husband, oh my God, you have got to take a picture of this. Because this is like the epitome of my life right now.

Oh my gosh, I think the funniest thing is that every single mom understands what it's like to go to the bathroom by yourself.

Yes.

And, and I want you to know my kids are at school and I work at home, but my pets follow me to the bathroom.

Oh yeah, that too. I'm sure you heard my dog in the background. He just got to sit right by my feet.

Mine is right here too. And it's so funny that like The kids and the pets follow us around.

Yeah, everywhere.

Oh my God. Well, and there's also, for me, and like you said, every house is different. I go from quiet, get stuff done, to their home and it's loud and chaotic. And that's another— I have to find my, like, self-care regulation in that transition.

The witching hours are just like—

oh my God, I forgot that expression, the witching hours.

Everyone's tired, overstimulated, there's so much to do in a little bit of time. Yeah, that's— I tell my kids, I'm just trying not to lose it, like, just please help me out here.

I know. And like, the— okay, so you're working, you're an activist, you have your personal passions, you have your family. Like, I'm reading the list And I know we can't say balance or juggling, but you really are like juggling all these balls. So tell us about like a successful juggle day and how that looks so that we can learn from you.

Ooh, that's a good question. Do I juggle it well every day? I don't juggle it well every day. I mean, most typical moms, we feel like, oh God, this is a mess. Feel like because my kids have been neurodivergent that I have learned to let a lot go and learned a lot more to go with the flow. Not by choice, but just because I was going to lose my mind if I didn't learn how to do that. But I think one of the biggest pieces is I have a really supportive village surrounding me. So As I go through my day, I'm not doing it alone. Even if people are not physically with me, I have people that are supporting me every step of the way, every day. And I'm very lucky and very blessed in that. But I think part of it is just, I've learned to be like, oh well, that didn't go well. Moving on. Let's move on. And it's just, sometimes I'm really focused on work and I know My kids' homework might not be getting turned in because I'm just not able to catch up with it. And you know what? I've just got to be okay with that. Am I— do I love that that fell off? And will I probably beat myself up about it a little bit? Yes. But at the end of the day, it's more like it is what it is. I cannot manage all of this. I just cannot do it. And the things that I can do, I need support. Like, I cannot do this on my own. When my husband is home, he's really involved. He's taking the kids to their activities so I can spend the evenings working. Um, Tracy's here, so she helps with dinners during activities and things like that. So then I can maybe focus on doing homework while she's taking care of dinner or the kitchen. I also have a great group of girlfriends. If I'm having a bad day, I can just be like, today sucks. I can't believe these people. and they're like, girl, I know, me too, I'm having the worst day. Just all of that little, little support kind of helps me. Okay, I'm not the only one not having a great day. That's okay, I can make it through the day then, or I can call them. Or I come home and it's my night to cook and dinner's not ready. I'm, I'm either gonna have the groceries delivered so they meet me at the house. I think all those little things that help make up my village just help help things feel easier. Like, it's not just all on me.

Well, and I think there's mothers who believe that it's all on them, and I think those are the most stressed out mothers. And, you know, I think part of it is they don't know who to reach out to. Like, I think you and I are very fortunate. And I also think that there's like a control issue that they need to do everything, so Yes. So any, any advice to the people who are not reaching out to people?

I, in the book, that is my biggest chapter, the village chapter.

Oh, good.

Um, because I think it's one of the most important pieces, especially moms that are struggling, um, that are single moms or are married single moms, because we know that those exist too, um, is to find ways to build your village. And it may not look like what you think it should look like. And it can include things like Amazon doing subscription delivery. So you don't even have to think about, do I have paper plates? Do I have toilet paper? Do I have all the—

That's good.

Yeah. Because it gets delivered every 30th of the month, and it's not something on your brain. Are there tutoring services at your kids' school where they can stay late for school, get their homework done there? So when you're picking them up, you're bringing them home, you can focus on dinner, bedtime, like those little things. I think a lot of us don't think of as part of our village, but the more that we can see that as part of our village, the more supported we feel. And when we feel supported, we feel less stress. So I'm always telling moms, what are different ways that you have support in your life or that you can build support And it may be you're, you know, a mom at the school, and so you guys become friends. She picks up the kids on Tuesday, Thursday. You pick them up on Monday, Wednesday. Any way that you can have someone in your life, it doesn't have to be a family member. It doesn't have to be your super best friend. Everyone out there can be a support person or a support resource for you.

Really good advice. And we don't look at everything that is support as support, so I like that you said that.

Yeah, if sometimes it just takes a change of perspective and you go, oh, this is helping me, and just that relief of this is off of my plate because of this brings the stress level down.

Oh, 150% yes. So to the mom who is losing it right now, she's listening to us, she's losing her mind, she's stressed out, she wants to have a mommy meltdown, can you talk to her right now?

First of all, we're all losing it a little bit right now because there is— it's just the season where there's entirely too much on your plate and there's nothing you can really do about it. So find something that you can prioritize, whether it's your rest or eating nutritious meals or taking an actual break in the middle of the day. It's the one thing that we have control of, that just one. Like, don't try to do all the working out and getting up early and staying up wrapping presents. Like, what's one thing you can cling on to for yourself and start with that? And it could be— for me, when I started back focusing on my self-care, it was reading smutty books.

Mm, that can be fun.

It's very fun. And it really helped me because I just was like, the only time I have downtime is when I go to bed at night. So I'm going to pick a book, put it at the side of my bed, but it would shut my brain off from like the barrage of thoughts that come for you after the end of the day. So I was going to sleep faster. I was sleeping better because my brain kind of got turned off by reading this book. It was fun, enjoyable, and just starting with that one little thing kind of tipped the domino. That affected all of my self-care. So one simple thing that is only for you— put a puzzle on your dining room table and sit down and zone out for 10 minutes a day. Something like that. That— take a walk in the middle of the workday, just get some sunshine, quiet, get away from everything. Those simple little things really do help.

I mean, you just made it feel so manageable. I think that's such fantastic advice. And you told me before we started, I hope it's okay that I share this, that you have not started shopping. Is that correct?

I have not.

So tell the ladies, well, there's probably some men listening too, how are you staying sane knowing that Christmas is coming and you have so much to do? How— tell us how you're doing that.

I'm, I'm— I don't know that I'm sane.

I knew you were gonna say that.

I, I do the like mad laugh, like, what are you doing? You have lost your mind. I also am pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD, so I'll panic by this weekend and get it all done. Yeah. And sometimes I just look at it like, okay, this is going to be a really stressful period, so it's all right, you'll be stressed, things are going to be crazy, let's just roll with that. And granted, that tends to be my personality, is to kind roll with the stress, but it's going to be stressful. It is what it is.

I mean, I really have to tell you that I laugh at the women who post that they're done shopping on like December 1st, like they have bought everything, everything's wrapped. I mean, I want you to know we're in the middle of Hanukkah and all the stuff on the couch needs to— I need to go wrap it. Like, we're in the middle of it. I just, I don't understand.

I—

listen, I am not bashing you. I think you're fantastic. I just don't understand the moms who have it all together with everything done by like December 1st.

You know, I have a friend and she is like the most organized person, and I'm always like, how? Like, explain it to me. Like, she has a list of everyone's allergies up on the board, contact phone numbers, and she Everything goes like clockwork in her house. And she said to me, I do it to control my anxiety. She's like, I don't want to be like this.

And I want you to know what I was going to say to you is the most organized people that I know have high anxiety. So there's, there's got to be a correlation to that.

Yeah, it's their, it's their control way of controlling.

Yes, yes. I do not use that way of controlling.

Yeah, because anxiety shows up so differently in everyone. I shut down when I get super anxious, which is probably what I'm doing now, just completely avoiding.

Like, we'll just ignore Christmas, we don't have to shop. So what are you hoping that people take away from your book?

What I'm hoping is that people can learn how to own their form of self-care. And, and really look at themselves at the— as the expert in their own life so that they can make decisions about, yes, I don't have to get up and run 5 miles and do this crazy routine that this mom has. Right now, walking and doing puzzles is what works for me. So I just want moms to be able to own where they are in their lives and make some decisions that put themselves first in a way that is manageable in their own lives. And that's— I just hope that the book can coach people through that so they don't feel like it's another overwhelming thing on their list and it's something that can actually help them feel better and more supported.

Well, everybody, every single one of us needs your book, and I know you know that. So I hope everybody—

Gift it to every woman in the world. I would.

No, we all need to go buy it. And I didn't ask you so many questions. I didn't ask you about neurodivergent children. I didn't ask you about enough about blended family. Is there anything important that you want to share that I didn't get to?

I just want moms to trust themselves and believe that they are the expert in their lives and that they are doing the best that they can do under the circumstances that they are parenting. And to be nice to yourself and love yourself.

Oh, I hope someone can be a little nicer to themselves after listening to this.

I hope so too.

Well, I think you are absolutely fantastic, and I am so honored that you took time to talk to me today.

I am honored to be on here, and then I can come back and talk all about neurodivergence and—

Yes, please come back. I'm like, I didn't get— listen, the two of us endless lists that I don't really want to go get to. I would rather just talk to you. That's more fun. I can ignore the presents all over the house.

I think I'm gonna have to brave them all. I think I'm past the point of delivering gifts.

Oh my gosh. Well, good luck and thank you so much for your time and expertise.

Thank you and happy Hanukkah. I hope you guys enjoy your celebration.

Thank you so much. This is Rebecca Green, and I want to tell everybody to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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