Episode 520: Never give up on Parenting

Shoot, can you check that? Do you know how to check that?

I'll figure it out. Hello everybody.

Hi, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday. I apologize that we are super late. It has been a very, very busy day.

You look at that. I'll do the homework.

I forgot to do my homework because I was running very late. So we're here, we showed up. We were gonna do this tomorrow.

Oh, I didn't know we were gonna do this tomorrow.

We didn't have a chance to talk because I thought I would get home at 10. Which now it's 10, right? And I didn't think we would want to go live at 10.

Got it.

Okay, so, um, I try to either— so every Wednesday I do a new topic, every Tuesday Ella does a new topic. So this week you can go to wineandclues.com and you can read Ella's new Teenage Tuesday blog that we put out yesterday. And she wrote all about shadowing at Channel 2 News and the lessons that she learned, and I thought she did such a good job.

So she did.

Please go read her blog, you will enjoy it. You will learn from her. I learn from her every week. I told Seth I get excited every week to see what Ella comes up with, and I said I hope people feel that way about me. So sweet, because every Tuesday I'm like, what's she gonna write? She actually shows me on Monday. But, um, my favorite lesson was about her talking about how we need to be flexible in life and I love how she related it to the news and to life. And I think being flexible is one of the most valuable skills that we can have. So go read her blog.

I need to work on being more flexible.

Did you read her blog?

I did.

And then for me, so Ella does Teenage Tuesday and does a topic, and then on Wednesday I do Winey Clues Wednesday and I do a new topic. So my topic this week— so I either get topics from you, requests, the viewers, or I get topics from me, and it's usually related to things going on in my life that I think that you will all relate to. I wrote this blog, Never Give Up on Your Parenting, and I made myself cry. So when I make myself cry, I'm like, maybe that's an indication that that was a good blog. So I wrote this as a love letter to myself and wanted to put it out to all of you who probably needed this pep talk too. I needed a pep talk, so I gave myself a pep talk. So you can go read it at whineyploos.com, and I am going to share my insights with you in hopes that it helps someone else because it helped me.

Yay!

So, okay, so as I was having a hard moment, I told myself to never give up. I'm like, "It's gonna be hard. It's not gonna be easy. It's not gonna be a cakewalk, and you're gonna keep going, and you're not gonna give up." And one of the things that I tell myself regularly that is super helpful that I want to pass on is that everything that we are going through with our children tends to be developmentally appropriate. It tends to be what they're supposed to be doing. I remember one of the really smart women that I have gotten to talk to saying that if your children are not challenging you, then that's a red flag.

Uh-oh.

That they're supposed to be challenging us, they're supposed to be pushing away, they're supposed to be getting more independent. So that made me feel better. I know a lot of what I'm dealing with is normal. So I tell myself that regularly and it makes me feel better. Does that make you feel better?

It does make me feel better.

So when I wrote this, I thought about my husband because not only— excuse me, bless you— not only did I write this for myself, but I wrote this for you and I wrote this for him. And I was hoping when he read this— sorry, bless you— that he would feel helped.

I did feel helped. It was very helpful. I wrote you that and you sent it to me and I replied and said how much, uh, it was helpful.

So, okay. Parenting is a long game. This is something that I remind myself of. This is all stuff I'm talking to myself, passing it on to you. We think that things are urgent and short-term and everything is a crisis and everything is a big deal, but we lose sight of the long game. Parenting. So we're doing things today that are building for the future.

And the seed that you're planting now isn't going to be harvested tomorrow.

Yeah, so I feel like we have to remember that we might not see our results today. So you might think that you're beating your head against the wall, you might think that what you're doing isn't working, but But I challenge us, I challenge us that we are building every single day. We are going to achieve our goal, which is to raise a— my goal in parenting is to raise a good member of society, a well-functioning, successful, someone who is going to be successful in their job, who's gonna contribute to the world, and who's gonna help make it a better place. So every day I'm chipping away at that, trying to be a good mom, trying to build these kids into wonderful human beings.

And you're doing a fabulous job at that.

So I think that, so you know I listen to Abby Howard.

Yes.

To the Abby Howards, there's two of them.

Yes.

And one of the things they said, I have said. And they're like, we're not taking parenting advice from someone unless we know how their kids turned out. And I was like, I have thought that.

Yeah.

Um, I will tell you, and I'm gonna knock on wood, my kids are turning out pretty good.

So far so good.

So far so good. Um, I think that we can definitely look at like, what am I looking for? I'm looking for my kids to be adults who I'm proud of, and that will make me feel like I did a good job. That is what I'm looking for.

It's a good standard.

However, I will tell you from experience with therapists that I have worked with who can't walk the walk, they can't hold a good marriage, they struggle with their kids, but man do they give good advice. So I'm just telling you. But I understood them saying that, that they don't want to take parenting advice from someone until they see how their kids turn out. So, so maybe they would take parenting advice from me because I would think so. I think I'm doing a good job. I hope, I hope, I hope. I'm trying hard, people. So when it feels like nothing is working, um, I want to challenge us to keep holding our boundaries, keep working on staying calm, keep working on the teaching, and wait and see. And I also want to tell you that when you think that they aren't listening, I promise that they are. I promise you they're listening even when we don't want them to be listening. Yeah, she's— she, she just said she's listening.

Aaron says you guys are great parents.

Thank you, Aaron. Oh, Aaron. Hi, Aaron. Thank you. We're late tonight, Aaron, but we're here. Um, stop measuring success by today's behavior. I'm going to tell you that every single teenager is rolling their eyes, every single toddler is having a tantrum. Don't measure your success by your kids. Measure your success by yourself. How are you acting? Am I proud of how I'm acting today? I will tell you, and Lily, you're not allowed to say this, I don't want Lily to ever say, "And you say you're a social worker?" I don't want to— I want her to be proud of how I am as a mother. I don't want her to say stuff like that.

You're not perfect though. You are human and you're not gonna be a social worker 24 hours a day with your own children.

I interviewed a woman, a wonderful coach, who said that her son screamed at her as she was walking out of his room 'And you call yourself a therapist?' And I was like, 'That's a low blow.' They've all thrown that line at us because we're not perfect human beings, right? And guess what? Kudos to her for walking away to compose herself because she didn't want to say something she would regret, which would be very tempting in response to that. She said she wanted to strangle him. And every time that we want to strangle them and we don't, give yourself a pat on the back.

There you go. There's a few pats on me.

Focus on connection, not control. I get really caught up in the battle only because I want to teach them things. I want them to get the lesson. So I'm going to tell us two things about this, and I'm talking to myself. Remember, I'm talking to myself. Okay, I want you to put it out there and leave it out there and let it fester and marinate.

There you go, better word.

Marinate, marinate, develop, grow, plant the seeds because they hear you. I promise they hear you. And try not to get into the fight. Try to pick your battles and remember that you want to savor the value. I'm looking for the word. What is the word? I'm trying to— when you're tending, tending, you want to tend to the garden. You want to tend to the relationship because the connection with your kids is what gets you the results. What I learned is that the number one way to get good behavior from your students, from your kids, is by having a good relationship with them. So I want us to remember— another pep talk to myself— them pushing away does not mean that they don't need you. They're supposed to push away, they're supposed to get more independent. They still need you, they still love you. And I remind myself that I'm 49 years old and I still need my mother. You'll always need your mother, they'll always need us. And, um, them creating distance and pushing is what's supposed to happen. Borrow hope when you've run out. How many times have you reached out to your husband, your neighbor, your friend, your mother, your therapist? Talk to them. They will give you hope when you don't have the hope. I have gotten lots of support when I have needed it, and there are times when I look at Seth and he just knows that I need a pep talk. Yeah, I need a hug.

You need to tag me in.

I— tag is a word I want to teach every couple. So our dog, Tanner Alexander Green, known as Tag.

Yep.

We don't call him Tag.

We do not.

But I love the acronym TAG because it reminds me that I don't have to do it all. And I just want to remind you to talk to your partner and say, sometimes spell it out, sometimes I'm gonna need to tag you in. There are times when I literally say to Seth, tag, you're it, you're it. And he knows I'm done and I check him out and I need him to help. And I also need some hope. So sometimes I need a pep talk. So I'm just letting you know that.

I appreciate that.

And sometimes you need a pep talk.

This is true.

I kind of gave you a pep talk in the car today. How did I do?

You did pretty well.

I hope that it was helpful. Do you agree? Do you agree or disagree with my talk, with what I said to you?

I agree.

You do agree?

I do.

So your child's struggle is not your failure. Why would we ever think that? Every human being is gonna have struggles, right? We all have struggles. I have struggles, you have struggles, our kids have struggles. And just because we are there for them, just because we're going to support them, doesn't mean they're not going to still struggle. And it doesn't mean that we're not going to still struggle with them.

Part of the journey.

It's all very normal. And I think the more that we normalize things, the less power that it has, at least for me.

Yes, that was very helpful what you were sharing with me in the car about that.

Yes. When you— yeah, I'll tell you this later because there's big ears listening. Okay. Just focus on your homework. Yeah. I'm eavesdropping.

Can't write this stuff, people.

She's eavesdropping. Give yourself permission to rest. If I'm having a hard day, if I'm having a hard moment, I will say to myself, okay, you're done, you'll do better tomorrow. If I don't like what I did, if I don't feel like I have enough strength at the moment, either I regroup and get my strength, or I tag Seth in, or I say to myself, just be done. Like, you're unresourceful, you're cranky, you're exhausted, you're not going to be a good mom right now. Just throw in the towel.

Yes, huge.

Yes, throw in the towel and pick up the towel tomorrow.

Now we're gonna have to get a towel.

When you see the towel on the floor, you'll know I'm done. Actually, when you see me lay down on the bed like She's not your bro, Lily. You are not allowed to call me anything but Mom. Mommy, Mama, Mom. It has to be a form of Mom. I gave birth to you. I earned it.

You did.

What is she saying?

Something about do the podcast.

Do your homework.

Live TV. That's great. Moving right along.

Trust the relationship you're building.

We're building it right now.

Okay, even when there's the silent treatment, even when there's an eye roll, even when it feels shaky, even when there's a door slammed in your face— don't do that, Lily, don't slam the door in my face. I think we should just do a comedy act, Lily, right?

I'm gonna say this is better than— your content is inspirational and wonderful, has always been you and Lily are very entertaining, and I'm kind of distracted by the banter going back and forth here from the kitchen. From the kitchen.

She's in the kitchen listening and bantering with us.

Yes. Um, trust the relationship.

I promise you're building a good relationship even through all of that stuff. So trust in that, and remember that it takes time, and, and that you might not feel it at the moment, but It's building. Okay. And the nicest thing is that no matter what has been said, what has been done, she still always looks for me, right? Yes. And that is a good feeling. So a reminder for all of us that when the day is hard, when you want to cry, when you want to throw in the towel, when you want to run away, Here's my advice: maybe just take a break, maybe just say that I need a couple hours off and take a break, but keep going, don't give up, and think of me when you're feeling like you want to give up. Think of me reminding you that showing up and not giving up is what it's all about, and that makes you a good parent just showing up.

It does indeed.

Just the fact that we keep trying, you know, I think about that even when we don't get it right, but we keep getting back up and trying again makes us really good parents.

It does.

I think.

I would agree.

I think so. That was my pep talk for myself. I hope that I help someone who's feeling the struggle because the struggle is real and you're not alone because I talk to a lot of mothers which is super helpful because they're going through very similar things and nobody said parenting was easy. It's funny, I have said that parenting is not for the weak. I have always told people that parenting teenagers It's a whole new level, whole new level. I don't know, like, toddlers, teenagers— what do you think, honey?

The toddlers were physically more exhausting. I think the teenagers are mentally and emotionally more exhausting, right?

But sometimes the mental and emotional exhaustion makes me physically exhausted.

Oh, absolutely.

But it's a different exhaustion.

Yes.

So I do totally agree with that. Oh my God, chasing them.

Yes. We're not doing that.

Chasing Max. Max, who is the easiest teenager when he was a toddler. So everyone who has a boy, I tell them this. When Max was 2, 3, and he was running all over and I couldn't keep up with him, the moms would say, just wait, he's gonna be the easiest teenager. And they were right. Yes, they were right.

He did slow down.

So we apologize that we were late. Our children sometimes make us late because they have activities that run late.

Yes.

And we do our best.

Yes.

And I am really impressed with you because when I walked in, you had it ready to go live.

Yes. I didn't hear from you, so I assumed we were going live.

I forgot to respond.

Yes, I did text you. You never— you of all people missed replying to the text message.

I don't understand.

You never miss. It's— I'm the one you're like, you didn't reply to my text message.

Do I always reply?

Yes.

Okay, kudos to me.

Kudos to you. You have a podcast guest coming up.

Oh my God, Kimberly Best was amazing. Kimberly and I had an awesome conversation. She is a conflict resolution specialist. The title of the blog— blog— the title of the podcast is Conflict Resolution Skills We Were Never Taught. She helps people with conflict for a living. That's what she does. And we talked conflict, and I loved it, and I learned from her. So I hope that you will listen on Friday to the new podcast. And the Whiny Poo's a Mom group— oh shoot, I did not post a question today. I am behind.

You were a little busy today.

Today was so busy. A lot going on today. I can't even believe I'm here after the day that I had. But, um, there's a, there's a February Valentine's Day challenge going on in my Winey Blues and Mom group on Facebook. It's a free group, so come find us, jump into the challenge, answer all 5 questions day 1 through 5 of February, and you could win Valentine's Day prizes.

All right.

And, um, what do you want to tell everybody?

Go to wineyblues.com. Scroll down to the— where it says sign up for the free weekly email newsletter. Enter your email address, sign up, and then when you get access to all of Rebecca's amazing free content, please write, rate, review, share, and subscribe.

So I do listen to podcasts, and I love that they pause the podcast to remind people to subscribe. I love that I heard a wonderful person who I love to listen to say that we give you all of the content for free, so please take a moment to write us a review and subscribe and comment. I learned from other people how they do it. Um, someone said that 65% of their listeners were not subscribed.

Oh my goodness, I will subscribe, people, right?

So we haven't, we haven't looked at our Analytics. Is that what it's called? It is.

I'm impressed that you know that.

We haven't looked at it, so I don't know.

But you did get like 29,000 downloads in January, which is amazing.

I'm so happy. So you are listening, and I appreciate you listening. Um, it helps me get this out to more people who need it, and that's my goal. So please share this with someone who needs it, and please let me know if you have topics that you want me to cover. Please let me know if you have guests that you want me to interview. I interview experts every week and I love it, and I appreciate you, and we will be back next week with a new topic.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

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