Episode 532: It's Not About You

No need to whine, it's whiny palooza. Have some wine and join us on the whiny palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the whiny palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, happy Winey Balooza Wednesday!

What was that? Was that you?

I did not meow, that was her.

Oh, we just had a visitor next to me. Our— oh honey, I'm sorry. Ella or Lily, come here. Ella or Lily, come here. Did they both disappear? I can't get help. Okay, we will take care of that later. So we have television, we had Faith next to me and Seth decided to go over there so that she wouldn't move, but she moved anyway. So you probably remember that every time I went live, Tanner would get his nose right in and he would want to be right in. And so Faith has decided to take over, which is very— I feel like she's trying to fill in the void.

That is a wonderful purpose then.

So yes, so either she is filling in the void or he's not here to take her spot.

He always wanted to participate.

Who knows? Anyways, so Seth, I told you that I was going to move on from the topic, and I think I like halfway listened. Do you think that I listened?

I think this inspired a different topic that is tangentially related, so it— I'm, I'm going with the— it's okay.

Are you— so are you okay? I sent you this blog.

Yes.

And I forgot to preface with it with like, is this approved? But every time I need my— every time I send you a blog, it's for approval.

You do not need my approval. This is your show. But if it makes you feel better, yes, I approve.

Well, and when I send you it to review I expect you to say, um, this sucks, or I don't like this, if that is—

I have never ever said that anything you've written ever sucked. I have said like, it's okay, or wow, this is awesome.

So I got I like this. Yeah, so, so I have gotten I love this, which is like my— no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because no, I I want you to authentically be you. I don't want you to lie. I want you to give it to me straight. So I will get back from Seth, I love this topic, this is awesome, this was so helpful. I have gotten for this one, it was, I like this, which is also good because I have gotten from Seth, it's okay.

True, all right, you're scrutinizing my word choice, awesome.

So, okay, what goes around comes around. So Kristen and Gabby, if you are watching this, which you may not be, you are also allowed to say, come on, Rebecca, you can do better than this.

She said that, not me. I have no— I'm not getting involved in that one.

So my topics tend to either come from my heart— what am I experiencing, what am I observing— so what am I experiencing What am I observing? Or what are people asking for? Those are the 3, right? Yes, those are the 3. So this one is, what am I experiencing? So as far as support goes, I am so thankful for our village. We— Seth and I have a wonderful village of family and friends. And when you're going through good times, you want to share it with your village. And when you're going through hard times, you want your village to help you through. Yes, I think that, you know, so I labeled this— so I, my first instinct of my title was It's Not About You, and then I was going to change it to something like, um, Being Supportive, and Seth didn't like the—

no, I like It's Not About You because that's exactly what we're talking about.

So I am a social worker, as you probably know, and I have always listened to people. I have always been the type of person who shows up and has my heart and my ears open to my loved ones of, what do you got? I'm here for you. I want to hear what's going on. I want to be as helpful as I can. And I used to think that just letting them vent was helpful. I used to think that. Like let them get it all out. And I was so helpful because they got it all out. And that's— I'm talking about friends, not clients, right? Because I would never let a client just vent. Like, that's not why you're in therapy. You're not in therapy to just vent, right?

So I paid friends for that.

Yes. So I thought letting my friends vent was helpful. And then I read many things that says otherwise. So I want to just touch on this before I move on, that venting is not helpful to you or to your loved ones. What it does is it just emphasizes how you're already feeling and brings you down, and that does not move you forward in the situation. So I just want to caution us, because I used to think that venting my feelings was helpful, and I used to say to Seth, just listen to me. Don't give me any advice, just listen. You know how people will say, ask people if they want advice? Well, if you're going to vent to someone, take it a step further and let them help you move forward in the situation. Like, this is what happened, this is how I'm feeling, what am I going to do with this? Now, when we're talking about something like grief, you may just want to tell your story or talk about your loved one, and there's really nothing to solve in that situation. That's something to sit with your feelings and go through the grief process. So what I found is the person who shows up for my people and is always ready to listen— we had, um, like multiple things happen in a row. It was like 1, 2, 3. It was 3 things, and I'm— I will clarify that for you later if you don't identify the 3 things.

Okay, and I'm identifying 2 of them, so we can talk about the 3rd one.

Yes, and you know what the 3rd one is, but I'll tell you when we're done. I already know it's other people's personal stuff. So we are happy to share our crap to a point. Yes, but we're not going to share other people's—

not our stuff to share.

We're not going to share other people's stuff.

Yes.

So we had 1, 2, 3 things happen in a row, and I would say that my cup has never been so full, overflowing with that type of emotion. Like full as in there was no room, right? So I, I was going to ask you before we went live, have I ever been like that before where my cup was so full that I didn't have it in me to listen to anybody?

I wasn't I could think of a couple times that I would guess you were in that place, but I also wasn't around you 24/7 to see if you had no ability to listen to anybody else. And we could talk about what those things were after this.

Okay, so it's very—

if it's happened, it's maybe a hand— like 3 times in our 21 years. Like, it's not common.

So I said— so my mother was wonderful. My mother was, you know, showing up and helping, helping with concrete. There's different types of support if you don't know that. There's emotional support, informational support, concrete support. Like, do you need help with your kids being driven?

I was going to ask what concrete support is.

So concrete support is, I need you to pick up Ella.

But just like, okay, do something specific as opposed to listen or research or whatever.

Concrete support is packing up Tanner's stuff.

Okay, that is a yes. I now understand what concrete support is. Thank you.

Okay, so it's like getting shit done.

Yes.

Oops, am I allowed to swear?

We'll find out.

I'm sorry, I don't know if I'm allowed to swear.

It's okay.

So, you know, my mother was giving me emotional support, informational support, concrete support, all of the things, all like all of the things. And I said to her one day, I am so willing to listen to her stuff all the time, but she wasn't, you know, she was just kind of showing up for me and she wasn't like telling me her stuff. I wasn't in a place for her to tell me stuff. And I said to her one day, how come I can't hear other people's stuff right now? Like, I talk to my friends and I can't, like, I can't listen to them. They start, they start talking about random stuff. Either they start talking about their grief or they start talking about something random, and I can't listen. Like, I can't show up for them. And she said, it's just because your cup is full. It's because you're— you don't have anything to give right now. And it was really helpful when she said that because I didn't know what was going on with me. Like, I knew that my ability to listen to people was like not happening. So I will say, you all know me, you know that I'm most comfortable when I'm giving. I love to give, I love to listen, I love to help. But I think when we're in a distraught place, we can't always be the giver. Like, I needed to receive. Yes, I needed— I needed it to be about me. Like, I needed people to show up for me, and I needed to not hear their grief stories and their stuff.

So you're talking about, let's say, Tanner.

Yeah.

And someone else chimes in with, "Well, 5 years ago my dog died, and let me tell you all about that." And you're like, "No, I need support.

I don't need you to try and tell me your grief story that was 5 years ago." Well, and I think that, you know, because I do a lot of research on all of my topics, I think that what I have been reading is that that is how people connect.

You know, share trauma in this example.

Like, I was even telling Seth when I did my podcast today, I said to the woman, I'm so sorry. Like, I was like right smack on time, and I'm usually like— like, she was probably waiting for me because a lot of times we both show up early for a podcast. And I was like, I'm so sorry, my cat puked all over the stairs and I decided to clean it up real fast. And I was like debating do I clean up the stairs or do I leave it until I'm done? So I said, I'm so sorry, like I seemed like hot and sweaty, like I had run upstairs. And she was like, oh, it's okay, the lawn guy showed up, or whoever showed up out front, and my dog's barking. I unders— it's like, it's how we connect. So it's like I share something and then you share something. So I kept trying to tell myself that my friends were just trying to connect with me. But my ability to listen was at a zero.

Right, them connecting with their own story wasn't what you needed. You needed just listen for once to my stuff.

Yeah, I just wanted them to sit and be there for me, and a lot of people did. A lot of people did. I just needed them to sit and listen and be there for me and not tell me their story and/or, you know, whatever was going on in their life. I didn't want to talk about random stuff. I really didn't.

You're such a giver. People probably weren't used to that and didn't know what to make of it if you had said anything because you give so much that it's rare that you say, hey, I actually need something right now.

Okay, so I rarely ever ask, like, I rarely need, like, I feel like I rarely am like, I need this, right? So I do think my community was like, I don't like—

who is this woman?

Yes. So I had 3 friends go through the, like, very similar, a very— not, you know, we're all different but they had lost their dogs at the same time too. And honestly, this didn't apply to them. And that's what I wanted to tell you, is that when they talked about their dog, it made me feel better because it was recent and close, because they were going through it with me.

Got it. Okay, that makes sense.

So, so anyways, I just— I reflected on— so the woman I interviewed today, the wonderful woman was like, we don't spend enough time reflecting. I love that word. Okay, so she said— it's another R-E word. I love R-E words. She said if she can give us— you know, it was one of my questions of like, give us a tool, like what can we be doing right now? And she's like, we can be reflecting more in our life. And I was, I was reflecting on what is going on with me, Why am I feeling like this? What do I need? Like, what is going on with me? And I think we do need to sit with ourselves and figure out what's going on for us in order to know, you know, what is going to make us better, what is going to move us forward. So in my reflecting, I started to think about support, and I've done support many times. But I figured this was a good opportunity to talk about how to be supportive to people and what kind of support I was looking for. And you know, you said it, I needed people to just listen. Like, just, you know, one of the things that I said was to be present, okay? The people who were like showing up at my door and sitting down and listening That was amazing. And sometimes you don't even need to say anything. If someone is going through something, just sitting there next to them is a wonderful support. You don't have to have a lot of things to say.

And a lot of times some of those words just don't make it better. I mean, some of those words can actually make it worse. So just, just listen, right?

Just listen. Just listen. Just actively listen. And, you know, I will say, so I want to talk about empathy. We have all grieved. Every single one of us have grieved. You know, I was sitting with my friend who just lost her dog, and I was like, I don't know, you— I'm like, you lost your mom. I don't know how the heck you dealt with that one. And, you know, and we empathize with each other and we shared and I will tell you what was not helpful, just so to help us. And I'm taking notes for myself. Now, we're each individuals, right? And we each have a different formula. So I'm not saying that, listen, this is what Rebecca needed, so your friend Sally is going to need the same thing. I'm just saying it's really good to figure out what is most helpful to your loved one at time. So I will tell you what was not helpful was when people were like, I understand, I went through the same thing. Well, guess what? You did not go through the same thing. We might have, you know, we might have both lost family members or animals, but you didn't go through the same thing I did. So saying I understand, I went through the same thing, that didn't work for me.

Everybody's different.

So it did work for me when people were present. It did work for me when people were trying to understand. And, um, so one of the things that I had said in my blog— you can read the full blog at whiningpluza.com— and offering specific help. So I will say, for me, I liked when people said me know if you need anything.

Concrete support.

But we're not supposed to say that.

Oh, okay.

Okay, so that worked for me. Okay, I liked when people said that because I knew if I need something, I can call so-and-so. Okay, so I liked it. But what I have learned in my studies is that we need to be more specific. So like, examples of that would be I want to cook you dinner.

Can I cook a specific, like, support as opposed to vague? Just let me know what you do.

Yes, I would love to cook you dinner. What night works for you? What would you like me to cook? I would love to go pick up— I had a friend be like, I'm gonna pick up the girls. Tell me where they are, tell me what time. I'll pick them up anytime for you. You just rest. I had friends offering to drive the girls around, and I was like, I love you, you're amazing, but I need to get out of my house right now. Like, I need to not be in my house as much as possible, so I want to go pick up the girls. But had I wanted a break, I had people offering to drive my girls around. And, you know, specific help just gives them concrete needs met in, in ways that are specific to them of what, what they're needing at the time. But I really, I personally, I loved the let me know if I can do anything because that is kind of like open-ended. Like if anything comes up, I know I can call these people. So when people were asking me what I needed, I kept saying I don't know. Did I ask you that question? What do you need?

Yes.

I think you didn't know either.

That is correct.

So I think Seth and I kept saying I don't know. And I love that people were asking, but I didn't know what to tell them. And in reflecting on the whole situation, what worked the most for me, what I loved the most, were the check-ins. The check-ins were amazing. So I'm gonna say texting or calling your friends and your family and checking in on them is so sweet and supportive. I knew they were thinking of me. I knew if I needed to talk that they would talk. I knew that they would show up if I needed them to show up. I did not know what to tell them I needed, but some of them were doing what I needed. So I was getting my needs met. I'm going to say this to every, every mom, almost every blog, please remind your friends and family to do some self-care. What I would have loved Seth or my friends to have said were, go book a massage. No, nobody, nobody said that to me, and I didn't say that to myself. But in reflecting, that would have been really good advice.

Okay, yeah, when in doubt, massage, and probably chocolate.

So, so chocolate Chocolate is my favorite. Probably not the healthiest way to cope.

It's probably not all your feelings.

I will tell you that I did eat my feelings, and, and I started to turn more to exercise. I was like, you need more physical, less eating, because you're eating your feelings. So chocolate, yes, but, but little bits of chocolate. There's been way too much chocolate. I may have bought a Cadbury egg today. Do you know what those are?

I do, and I did not know that Bought one. Okay.

Yes, it was very good.

I'm sure.

So self-care, meaning, you know, if you go for a walk or you exercise, you're going to feel better. If you keep hydrated, you're going to feel better. Can you get some sleep? Sleep is going to make you feel better. I always say to my son, are you sleeping? Are you drinking? I want you to sleep enough. I want you to drink enough. So I also ask him if he's taking his vitamins. It's so cute when I talk to him, he's like, "Mom, I'm drinking, I'm taking my vitamins." I'm training him.

Yes.

So validate their feelings. Oh my goodness, when people say to you, "That's how you're supposed to be feeling. Anyone would feel that way in this, in that situation." I felt so normal. I felt it was totally normalized. I felt like a normal person when they were like, of course that's how you're feeling. I was like, yeah, this is how I'm supposed to feel, right?

Yes.

And respect their pace. Uh, nobody was rushing me. It's, it's interesting when you know someone is going through something, whatever it is, they're going to move forward at their own pace. And I have seen in my own life some people move really slow and some people move very quickly. So everybody's different, we're all at our own pace. And I want to say to my friend— so I had said to a group of friends, we rotate backyards in the summer, and I said, oh Lord, how am I going to go in my backyard? And the backyard is very, very, uh, triggering so far for you. Yes, at this point in time. And she was like, we will get together in your backyard when you are ready, there is no rush. And it was like the most perfect thing she could have said to me. So people have said a lot of things right and a lot of things wrong. So I was like, let's reflect and let's pass on some advice to myself and others, because I learned a lot from this. And I think what I learned the most is that women like to talk about themselves.

Yes.

And I'm going to pay attention to that, because when my friend is talking to me about something I don't need to come back with how I relate to them. So it was just something that I— right, I observed it. I love that that's how we connect as women and men. I have heard you do that. People will talk about their teenagers, and I've heard, I've heard Seth say, oh my God, I've got 3 teenagers, I could tell you some stories, right? Like, I have heard Seth connect with other men who are telling them about their teenagers. So I know it's not just women who do it.

True.

So I know the reason behind it, and I'm not upset with the women who, you know, wanted, wanted to talk about themselves when I wasn't ready to listen. I just know for myself, I learned that when my friend or family member is going through something, I am going to talk less and listen more. And I just feel like it's going to make me a better supportive person. And I think we need to reflect more on situations and how we can grow from them. Okay, what do you think?

I think that makes sense.

So did you learn anything from my spiel?

I got a whole list of things, things that I didn't know I should say and things that I should avoid. Yes.

I didn't have a problem with you.

Well, no, I know, but now I've learned all of those things for next time.

Okay.

And with other people and you, I now know what you need, right?

Well, I mean, I love— I mean, on a regular basis, I love when you text me and say like, how is my wife doing?

Yeah.

How is your day going?

Yeah.

What's going on? I love when you check in with me.

I check in with you a lot.

Yes, and I need to do that more for you. If you— I need to ask you what you like, and you need to ask me what I like. I think we don't—

instead of our love language, is this like our communication language?

I just think we don't ask each other enough questions about that kind of stuff.

I am happy to ask many questions.

And I don't think that we think about what is working and what isn't working and how we're making each other feel. I don't think we think about that. I think we just do our best and hope for the best, but I don't— but I don't think we— I don't think we discuss it, right? Right. Yes. So what I wanted to say is I was super happy yesterday when I saw my friend that I was capable. Like, I felt more— more with it. I felt more like myself where I was like open to her talking about like all of her stuff, and I was able to do that. Like, my cup didn't feel full anymore.

Good.

So, so I think that that was a really good indicator that, you know, I'm in a much better place.

I think that's awesome.

Yes, yes. What about you?

Every day at a time.

Yes, yes. There, there's, um, two things out of 3. One that is not better, one that can't be better, and one that is better.

Okay, we're gonna have to talk about what we're doing. I'm confused, so we're gonna have to catch up later.

Okay, I didn't mean to confuse you.

You succeeded anyway.

I think I did that a couple times. During this. I didn't mean—

same topic.

I don't, I don't mean to be coding.

You're being cryptic. I know one why you're being cryptic. I don't know what the other one is, and as soon as you tell me, I'm gonna go, oh my God, of course that's what it was.

Oh my God. Yeah, Seth and I were like, boom, boom, boom, and we were like, okay, that's 3, that's our quota, it's time for good news.

Yeah.

So hopefully you, um, can be an even better support from this You can— I would love you to share this with one of your supports in your life. And I love hearing what you want us to cover.

We love topic requests.

Someone was talking about sibling rivalry the other day. We've done that before, but we could do that again.

Yeah, I mean, it's probably been years. Like, it's not like we don't learn stuff along the way. Even if we covered a topic 5 years ago, we're different people now. We would have had more experience and more wisdom on that topic.

So a couple things that you might not know: there are 12 years of blogs. So you can—

when you use them all, baby—

when you go to whitneypluza.com, there's a search bar, and I believe you can put in whatever topic you might— you might be like, I need anxiety, I need depression, I need sibling rivalry, whatever it is, I need balance. I've probably, probably covered the topic, and if I haven't, let me know because we always accept requests. And I just found out from somebody that they did not know how to listen to my podcast, and I keep forgetting that people don't know how to listen to a podcast. When you have done so many podcasts, you don't realize what people don't know. So for me, Um, can you show the purple app, the purple icon?

So for me on my phone, on an Apple phone, it's the purple icon with the little white microphone in the middle, right? If you have an Android phone, you would either— you could go to Google Play, you could listen to it on Spotify, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, Amazon Audible, Pandora, or watch it on YouTube.

So for me, my iPhone, I go to my purple podcast icon, I click on it and then I search whoever I want to listen to. You can look through podcasts and see like what, what podcasts might look interesting to you. You can search a certain person, you can search, you know, Winey Palooza, and there are, I believe, like 530, something like 538 episodes, and you can look through those and see what interests you. But I didn't realize, I forget that people don't know how to listen to a podcast because I listen to podcasts. So tell me if there is something that you don't know how to do. Seth taught me everything. He taught me all this. If there are technological things, Seth has probably taught them to me.

Thank you.

And I'm sure there will be more. I'm sure that the next idea will be like, oh honey, you can do this, I'll teach you, right?

That sounds familiar.

So we did have Megan Blake win the— too many M's. We had Megan Blake win the March Winey Plus a Mom challenge. If you go to Facebook, there is a Winey Plus a Mom support group and it's free and supportive, so come join us. And I did drop off her prize. And what else do we want to share, honey?

Do you happen to know who's on the show on Friday?

Yes, um, Patty Freudenberg. Hopefully I'm saying that right. She gave me a new spin on mourning. So my producer sent this woman to me because she knew that I needed her. And Adrienne is wonderful and takes care of me, and sometimes she sends me guests that she knows that I need. So anyone can benefit from her. It was Amazing to talk to her. I just loved her.

When you say new perspective on mourning, is that M-O-R-N-I-N-G or mourning as in grief?

A new spin on mourning, meaning grief.

Okay, just checking to see which one you meant.

And she—

that's the right time.

You know, she is someone like, if I was grieving hard, I feel like I would want to talk to her, you know. I don't know that Patty will see this, she friended me on Facebook so she might see this. Patty, I loved talking to you and I don't know if you have this service but you would be amazing to touch base with every day when somebody is like deep in their mourning because her positive attitude about life and after death and all the things that she shared was just so uplifting. Wow, she was awesome. She is awesome. So thank you for sending her to me, Adrian. And what else do you want to share?

Go to whinypalooza.com, sign up for the free email newsletter that will have links to all of amazing Rebecca Greene's wonderful free resources, and binge them all and share them with a friend.

That is so sweet. So I hope this was helpful. Thank you for joining us. And we will be back next week.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

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