Episode 534: Helping our Kids feel Less Pressure

No need to whine, it's whiny palooza. Have some wine and join us on the whiny palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the whiny palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood.

You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever.

I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone.

Happy Winey Baloozer Wednesday!

Um, we are deep into Night Agent. Is anybody else watching it? And I was so into the show that I had no idea that it was 9 o'clock. Seth was like, uh, are you ready?

Do we— we kind of need to go live.

And, and I was like, oh, but I want to see what happens next. So we are on season 3 and we will finish soon, and then we will wait for season 4. But if you haven't watched it, we recommend it. It's really good.

Yes, if you like suspense, thriller, mystery type stuff.

Yes. So we are almost done with our show. So I know you're all watching Netflix, so tell us what to watch next.

Yep.

We go live every week with a new topic, if you don't know this. And when I was driving my daughter to school, she suggested this topic.

Yeah.

Which I love when people give me topics. I will always do topics that people ask for, but I'm kind of sad that she wanted this topic, which means that she's feeling pressure.

Yes.

So helping our kids feel less pressure, how can we do that? As I was writing this, you can read the full blog at whinyplaza.com. It is all written out. We will highlight stuff, but you can read all the specifics if you want. Go check it out. And Ella did not do a Teenage Tuesday this week. So if you don't see it, it's because she skipped this week, which is fine.

She was very busy.

I don't expect her to do every week. I told her whatever weeks you do are welcome. And there's no pressure.

See, no pressure.

Oh, no pressure. So as I was writing this, I realized there is a delicate balance. There's a little dance that we have to do as parents because we want our kids to work hard. We want them to have a strong work ethic. We want them to feel a little bit of pressure. We want them— you know, Seth and I have very big expectations for our kids. I realize that. I realize that I'm— that we are part of the problem.

Yeah, they're very high expectations.

We're part— so we're part of the problem, but we're also part of the motivation. And now we want our kids to be intrinsically motivated, which means that it comes from within.

I just had this conversation with Lily last week.

Oh, tell us about your conversation.

Well, we were talking about intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation, and remember I had told you that she had talked about listening to a podcast and talking about how it's better to work out to be like fit and in shape than— and for your health— than it is to work out because of how you want to look.

Yes.

And that segued into the intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation conversation.

So we want— we— I love that our kids want to make us proud. I mean, as parents, that's kind of special that they care there, but I always tell them, I want you to do it for you. I want you to be proud of yourself, and I want it to come from within. So I do see our kids— this is normal in every house, so this is not to make Seth feel bad— our kids know that it's pretty easy to make mom happy. It's pretty easy to make mom proud, right? Kids strive harder I, I think from my observations in general, not just with you, kids strive harder to make their dads proud.

I did not know this.

You didn't know this? Kids want their father's approval.

I've never withheld it. Like, I'm very emotionally available and expressive.

I, I, I think, I think that it's harder for them to impress you than to impress me. And I think that when you are proud and impressed, it means And I'm not putting myself down, but I think it means a lot more to all 3 of them than when I'm proud and impressed.

Okay, yeah, I guess I could see, I could see some of that.

And that's not just in our house, it's in every house, it's in most houses. Um, that's one of the— yes, Dad's approval. Lots of children are striving for their father's approval. So anyways, back to how do they feel less pressure. So Seth and I are good at giving pressure. How do we help them feel less pressure? So it begins with us, and I saw— we watch how our parents treat themselves. I saw how hard my parents were on themselves. Our kids see how hard we are on ourselves. So it starts with us. If we want them to feel less pressure, How are we treating pressure, right? What are we saying? Do we not think that what we're doing is good enough? Do they hear us say that? You know, I have heard Seth say, "I'm working on it." Well, how about, "I succeed every day and I'm so proud of myself," right?

That's a good point about the language.

Yes, language is so important and I'm talking about myself too because I will say a perfect example is I didn't get to X, Y, and Z today. Well, why aren't I telling them how proud I am of everything that I did do?

Yep.

And why is our worth tied to what we got done in a day?

To-do list.

It's really interesting that we all feel more important the more we get done in a day. How about the fact that we're just important? We're just important people and we don't have to get stuff done to be important. So just watch how you're treating yourself and what you're saying because they're just gonna model us. They're not gonna listen to what we're saying. And we gotta walk, we gotta walk the walk. We gotta walk the walk that we want to see them walk. Does that make sense?

It does.

We have to teach realistic expectations. What do I expect of myself? What do they see me— what are my expectations of the day? What do I expect from them? Am I having realistic expectations for them? Do I expect them— I expect my kids to get all A's. Is that realistic? Is that healthy? Does it really matter? So, I think that Seth and I have really, really high expectations, and I think we just need to watch because our kids are really successful. But what I love— that they're successful, but I care more about their mental health than their success. Does that make sense to you?

Makes total sense. I agree 100%.

So I don't want my kids to think that they have to get 100 on every— everything. In fact, I need to talk to Lily because she was all upset that, you know, what happens is they get a good grade. Okay, so she got a 95 on her math test, and I was like, woohoo, that's amazing, I'm so proud of you. Well, then she got the math test back and she was like, oh, I made the dumbest mistakes, I'm so annoyed with myself, I could have easily gotten 100. Okay, why does everybody expect themselves to be perfect and get 100? Can you— where did that stem from?

I can see her trying to copy her brother, but we certainly did not tell her to do that.

A 95 is Amazing.

Yes, it is.

Okay, so you made stupid mistakes. It happens.

I feel like, hey, I'd rather get a 95 with a couple stupid mistakes than a 70 with some stupid mistakes. Yes, I mean, she works so hard.

Yes. Well, and I have said this before, if I see them working hard— okay, I have chocolate all over me. Ella and I were just baking. So what was I saying? Oh, if I see them working hard and I see them studying and I see them doing their homework and I see them prepping for a test and they— let's say they get an 80 on that test, but I'm not upset because I saw them put in the effort. If they got an 80 and I didn't see any studying, right, they're slacking off, then I'm upset.

So because we know what they're capable of.

Yes. So, "Will this matter?" is like the best question that we can teach ourselves and our kids. One of the best questions. So, you know, a perfect example is that Lily didn't get Web Leader. And for those of you who don't know, the 8th graders, they have a homeroom that's all the Web Leaders, and these leaders help the 5th graders acclimate to middle school. Now, for those of you who know Lily, You know that Lily would be like the perfect web leader. She is so smart, so sweet, so engaging, so outgoing. She would have made the 5th graders feel so—

Oh, they would have all been her new best friends.

She would have made them feel so comfortable. They would have been able to ask her any questions.

They'd come up to her in the hall. She'd have a whole new additional little posse.

She would be, you know, and my kids all have different strengths. A new mother. Yeah, they all have different strengths, but I will say that it's really sad to me because Max and Ella were asked to be web leaders and Lily's the one who would be the best of the three of them.

Yep, and she actually wanted to be.

And she is the one of the three who wanted it the most and didn't get it. So she really got screwed, if I'm honest with you. And she was upset. She still— I mean, she still brings it up. She's still upset about it. So this was in August and we're in March and she's still upset about it. However, in a few years, she'll joke about it, she won't care.

And in 20, she probably won't remember.

So, I mean, in 20 years she might be like, "They didn't give me Web Leader." I hope not.

I hope she's moved on from that.

It's not gonna be important. So, they might think that their world is gonna— teenagers always—

Oh my God, it's so dramatic.

Teenagers always think their world is gonna end.

This is everything.

So, you know, will this matter to you in a few months? Will this matter to you in a few years? Will this matter to you in 10 years? How big a deal— how big a deal is this that you don't need to feel this pressure about something that in a year you're not going to care about? So I think how much does this really matter helps put things in perspective. And we have to watch our words as parents. A perfect example is you know, let's say that Ella gets a 92 on a test, which would be a nightmare for Ella. And if I said, oh really? Because, okay, so I'm guilty. I'm using this as an example because I don't watch everything I say. I, I have gained a lot of control over the years. Yeah, I used to be so reactive Now I am much more responsive than reactive, and I'm telling you from experience that that takes daily practice. So I'm still practicing and I'm still working on it and I'm still improving. Sometimes I say things wrong and I can't expect myself to be perfect. Ella keeps reminding me of that, which is so sweet. See, I shouldn't— she shouldn't have to tell me that. So if Ella were to say, I got a 92 on this test, Now Ella tends to be like a 98, 99, 100 type of student. I might come out with, oh really, what happened? People, a 92 is not bad. You know, what if she got a 90? Like, just say good job, you worked hard for that, I'm proud of you. Just watch the things that you say. And I read—

Can I ask you something about that?

Yeah.

So I think And I don't know if this is true at all. I need your expertise on this one. I think that part of the reason why they think dad's approval is harder to get than mom's—

you're still there—

is because you say good job to almost everything, which is why Max is like, well, I don't believe you, mom, because you told me I did so good for everything. Everything I did you said was good. And if she got a 90 and I know she's not happy with it, I wouldn't say way to go. So I know she's not gonna buy it. She's gonna be like, I'm not happy with it. Why are you telling me I did good?

I understand, Ella, that you think that a high 90 is what you're capable of, which is true, but you studied hard for this, and that is why I am proud of this grade. I saw how hard you worked for this.

So coming back to the lesson you have taught me before, we're focusing on the emphasis on the effort, not necessarily the achievement.

Oh yeah, right.

She put the time in, the 90 or the 98 was out.

Okay.

So I didn't mean to tangent you.

No, no, no, no. I'm going, I'm trying to flip the page and it's not cooperating. Hold on. Cause I want to tell you the actual label. Okay. Remind them who they are beyond achievements. So what I was going to say about that is we talk so much about their grades. And their awards and, you know, getting National Honor Society and all the stuff that they want to achieve. And I love that they're overachievers, and I love that they work so hard. But what's more important, you know, the goal is to raise human beings that we're proud of. And while success and achievement is part of that, their qualities are even more important. So we care that they have a good heart. We care that they care about other people. Like, we have to remind them of what we love about them and not focus on the achievements all the time. So like, I, I will tell you, Lily and I have had so many conversations about this because Lily says what I used to say in school, and she's like, I'm not going to use this. Why are they teaching me this? I used to say that before too. When I was in school, I would be like, I never want to be a therapist. I don't need one more day of math. I don't need one more day of science. I just want to go help people and talk about problems and learn how to— learn how to help guide them to, you know, and ask the right questions. I want to do that. I don't want to do all this other stuff. You're wasting my time. And she says the same stuff. And so what I explained to her is that school teaches us really good skills that we're going to take to every job. So we're learning how to study, we're learning how to remember things, we're learning how to take tests. I, you know, I still, you know, you take tests, you have to do continuing ed, right? And does your continuing ed require you that you pass a test to get the certificate? So Even though I might not use math in my job, I definitely use skills that I learned in my math class.

Yes.

So we talk about that. Their study skills, their hard work, their ethics, all of that they're learning in school. So yes. So not just the achievement, they're learning how to learn. Yes. When I sent Max to preschool, we've talked about this before. So forgive me if you've heard this already. I had taught him everything, like he was a sponge. He was like, give me more. We went over numbers, colors, letters, like you name it. And he was like, okay, what else can you teach me? And I was like, I taught him this, this, and this. What are you going to teach him? And the teacher looked at me like I was crazy. You know, it's my first kid. I don't know what I'm doing. And she's like, we're going to teach him to wait in line. We're going to teach him to sit on the carpet. We're going to teach him to share with other students. Like, she's like, we're going to teach him how to be in school. And I was like, okay, so they're not gonna teach him anything past what I've taught him. They're not gonna teach him academically any— academically anything else than what I've taught him in preschool. But he's going to learn how to be with teachers and be with students. And anyways, where was I? I still remember that when you came home that day and I was like, they're not gonna teach him anything.

What are we paying for? He could just stay home with me.

I— well, yeah, yeah, it was a good learning experience.

There you go.

So check the schedule. So we are really good at over-scheduling our kids. Do you know that? I have one child who— well, no, I have two children. Two of the— both of the girls. Yes, join everything.

Yes, Max was way less over-scheduled.

Max was way less over-scheduled.

It was school and a sport.

Max, no, he joined clubs. He joined clubs.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, he started a club. Yup, yup, that's true.

He had multiple clubs that he was in.

You are right. Just, they seem to be busier than he seemed to be.

Um, the girls joined more than Max joined.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

And the girls are busier.

Yes.

And Lily especially, she just added volleyball.

Yeah, we didn't even get, I didn't even get asked about that, by the way. Not that you ever need my permission.

I am going to tell you something.

I just said, what's this Dick's receipt? Oh, she got knee pads. For what? For volleyball. What's about— what, what about— what is volleyball going on? Oh yeah, Lily signed up for that.

Seth doesn't need to know everything.

Apparently not. It's like we're watching Night Agent. I'm on a need-to-know basis, uh, right? And Rebecca has all the classified information.

Let's just say Seth likes to say no to things and I like yes to things. We're just going to keep that theme going in our life. Maybe we could do an episode on that and work on Seth's nos to everything.

Fabulous.

So not everything. So check the schedule because we overschedule our kids. And what I was realizing when I was writing this is— I have told Seth this before— I have to protect my kids from themselves. Yes. So So they think that they can go nonstop, but I'm gonna tell you from experience that they need downtime.

I thought that was really smart of you to tell Ella she needed to come home tomorrow for a little bit in between her things.

I mean, I don't even know that it's needed. I don't know that it's important.

Um, I think the mental space of a school break for even if it's half an hour, 40 minutes before the next thing is probably a good idea.

I mean, my thought is come home and change, get something to eat and go back to Yeah. So, I just feel like we as parents have to pay attention to what's working and what's not working. I know from experience, Lily and I still fight about this. I know that Lily needs to eat and drink water. And I know it's important that I make sure that that's happening. Because she doesn't always make sure that that's happening. She will disappear. To her friend's house for 12 hours, and I will text and be like, did you eat dinner? Did you eat lunch?

Did you drink?

Did you have anything to drink? Did you have anything to eat? I have to stay on top of that stuff. I have to protect her from herself. So she can't have a non-stop schedule. She has to be home sometimes. She has to take a dinner break. She has to, you know, reset. So just protect your kids. And boredom is not a terrible thing. Good things happen. Well, I will say creative things can happen. I want my kids to have boredom to be creative. I will also tell you that we want our kids in activities because the research shows that after school with no activities is when trouble happens. So I do appreciate that they want to join things. I just want them to go to the activity and then I want them to come home and reset. I don't want them to go nonstop all day and all night. Do you agree with that?

I agree with that.

Create a home that feels safe. So I will say that we don't want our kids to feel judged and evaluated at home. I don't think that I always succeed at that, but I try to make this a nice place to land for them. We don't want to compare them to their friends or their pe— or their siblings. We want them to just feel safe and secure with their parents at home. And I will say I want them to let their hair down. I just want them to be respectful when they let their hair down. So I want them to just— they hold it together so much at school all day It's okay to come home and kind of like let it all hang out. Just remember, we want them to be respectful. So yes, you can vent. Yes, you can unwind. Yes, you can fall apart. Just don't lash out at me in the process.

There you go.

Right, right. So create a home that feels safe. It helps them feel less pressure. They know that they can come home, they can land and they're not gonna be judged. So, normalize mistakes. So, when Ella was making— Ella's learning to drive. When Ella was making a right turn, she was upset. Now, mind you, we've practiced a lot lately.

So, she's getting a lot better.

So, she's getting a lot better. But when she was upset with herself for making the right turn and not liking the right turn, I said, Ella, I'm not used to driving Max's car. I've been driving for 33 years and I made a bad right turn because I'm not used to his car. So it takes practice, and 33 years later you still might make a mistake.

Sure.

So just normalize it. It's not a big deal. Sometimes we make mistakes seem like such a big deal.

Amen.

It's part of life.

It's how you learn.

It's how you learn.

There's no failure, just feedback.

Ah, I like that line.

Thank you.

Compare to yourself. We teach them that all the time. We don't want them to compare to their peers, their siblings, their parents. We want them to compare to themselves. If you want to lift more weight, compare it to yourself. If you want to do more sit-ups, what did you do yesterday? Focus on yourself and what you can do and what you can do better. Don't focus on what Joe Schmo is doing. And we can show them this by not trying to keep up with the Joneses. Who cares what they're doing? Worry about your own four walls and what's going on here. So I don't care that so-and-so got a BMW. Worry about what car you're getting. I'm not getting a BMW.

Me neither.

I don't know what I'm getting, but I'm taking recommendations.

Her lease is up soon, that's why we're talking cars.

So I am going to get a 3-row SUV.

Yeah, you need a 3-row.

So if you love your 3-row SUV, we are taking suggestions.

Yes, please tell her.

Yes. So anyways, those are some tips for your children to feel less pressure We want them to feel pressure. We want them to be successful. We want them to be high achievers. We just don't want them to feel so pressured that their mental health is suffering, right? So if my child is asking how we can help our kids feel less pressure, my kids obviously need less pressure.

Yes.

So maybe Seth and I can take notes on my blog and walk the walk of all these tips.

I think that was an excellent idea. I also think these are also helpful in the business world. As I told you when you sent me the proof of this, We can use this at work.

Okay, so can you give me an example?

Sure. I don't want them to feel so much pressure that they get unresourceful, they get stressed out, they get overwhelmed, and then they don't function as well. I want them to feel enough pressure to do a good job, but I don't want it to cost them their mental health either.

That's really good. That's being a good boss.

Thanks, I try.

So just remember that with your kids.

I will be an excellent boss of the children, but that's really your job.

I think, no, I think that you expect a lot of them. And I don't dislike that. I'm just telling you, I think they feel a lot of pressure.

Okay. I don't think I've ever said, all right. It's very rare that I would say that wasn't good enough. You need to, like, even I know they're going to beat themselves up. Like when Lily was upset about the grade the other day, not the 95, when she was upset about the one before that, I didn't give her a hard time. I just said, I just empathized. There was never criticism.

I never said, "You suck at that, go work harder." I think it's hysterical if she gets a grade that she doesn't like when she says, "Please don't tell Dad." Oh, I didn't know that. I know.

Oh, I didn't know that. But I never criticized her for this.

I know.

Seriously, where is this coming from?

They just really—

How did I not, I didn't do it, so how did I do it to my kids without doing it?

They just really wanna make you proud.

Well, that's very sweet. I am proud of them. I tell them this a lot.

So just keep telling them.

I will tell them even more.

Yeah, I think they just wanna make their dad proud. Their mom is easy to make proud. I will tell you that my son will be like, oh God, don't, like Lily tells me not to glaze her.

Yeah.

Max will—

Which apparently is teenager for praise.

I'm sure Max is feeling like, oh God, she's glazing me again.

Like— We did not have this issue. I don't know if you did as kids. Like I would've soaked that up. I would've never been like, don't give me another compliment. Now granted, my parents weren't— parents were like non-stop with the praise, but still I never would have been like, no, you can't tell me I did a good job. That doesn't feel good. Of course it does.

I think they think it's easy to make me proud. Too easy.

Okay, well then maybe you need to raise your own bar there. Maybe you need to get harder on them.

I need to tell Max, you, you got an A on everything? That's not good enough, right?

How come you didn't get an A+? Max, where's the— you missed 5 points.

Oh my God, he's so funny. So, okay, so let's—

you wouldn't know what to do if you were like, really?

I think we should do an experiment. We only got a 98, and we should tell Max, where are the 2 points, Max? I'm very disappointed in you.

Don't use those words, but I think you should say, where are the 2 points?

Okay, so anyways, what's wrong, Max? We take topic requests, so I will tell you first of all that there are like 540 podcasts for you to look through with a ton of topics that you can probably find any topic you want. There's blogs from for 12 years, so you could probably find any topic you want. But I still will take all of your topic requests, so feel free to share a topic request, a guest you want me to have on the podcast. If you want to be a guest, if you have a topic that you think that our audience would love, let me know. It's parenting and marriage, so let us know. I have a few people I'm going after. We have people asking, thankfully, to be on the podcast.

Um, you are in demand.

Well, I think that people have asked me, like, how do people find you? Well, after like 5 or 6 years, people know about your podcast, right?

It didn't take you that long, but yes.

So this Friday is Elena Love, and yes, Love is her last name. I am so jealous. I told her she has the best last name I have ever heard. I had to read it over a few times because I thought I was reading it wrong, and I was like, and I was like, is your last name really Love? Because that's so cool. And we talked about finding your purpose and your passions. So how cool is that? The guests that I get are amazing. The woman today that I talked to was so fabulous, all about moms. Her whole platform is about like a no guilt for moms. So I love that. And what else do we need to tell them?

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Share stuff with people who you think would benefit. Yes, that's the goal. And hopefully this was a good topic, and I will be back— we will be back next week with another topic. And, and I wanted to report back to you. I told you, uh, some of my goals when the new year was starting, and one of my goals was to get a facial. So I am 49 years old and I have had one facial. So my goal was to this year to have my second facial, and that might sound like an easy goal, but you see that I don't go get facials, right? So I'm very proud of myself for doing it.

Monday, she got it Monday.

So Seth's birthday was Monday.

Happy birthday to me. She got a facial.

You got a massage.

I got a lovely massage.

I think the massages are better. I'm gonna stick to massages. I'm reporting back to you that I didn't love getting a facial.

And that's a you thing.

And that's a me thing. I think that's okay. I think the facials are relaxing and wonderful. I just would rather get a massage. So now I know I tried it. I'm gonna go back to getting massages and pedicures and manicures. That's my jam.

All right. Congratulations on achieving your goal.

So I achieved one of my goals for the year. Seth's birthday was Monday and I forgot I was going to do a topic about Seth. Oops.

You didn't. That's okay. Oh well, this is better.

But happy birthday to Seth.

Thank you.

And we will be back next week with hopefully another good topic.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

Have a good week.

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