Staying Calm Through Chaos

Everybody wait.

What are we waiting for? For me to fix my necklace.

You gotta fix your necklace.

It's gotta be straight. It's driving me crazy because I— because the camera, I can't adjust to which way to move it, right?

Because you're backwards in the camera.

Yeah, it's very uncomfortable, awkward. What's the word?

You're just not used to—

complicated.

Okay, anyways, there's a show about to happen.

Hello everyone! Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

You need some wine.

No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday. Have some wine and join us on Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green family. Do you remember my request for you to actually look at the camera when you sing?

Eh. Cha cha chicken.

I'm just lucky that you're here at all, correct?

Right. Yeah.

Okay, well, will you stay close in case your sister doesn't close us out? I love your new shirt. Um, Uncle Cory and Aunt Vivian, we love her new shirts that you sent her. Yes, and the necklaces that you sent Seth and I today.

They're awesome. Tony Robbins necklaces, live with passion.

Awesome presents, so thoughtful.

Yes.

Um, yes, the Greens are still celebrating Hanukkah.

We're celebrating Hanukkah for a while, right?

Well, the reason—

like a month.

But part of the reason is and they said it at the soccer banquet tonight, is that everything is taking forever to ship.

Yes. So delays in the supplies.

So you get it when you get it.

Presents show up when they show up.

Yes, exactly. So here, do you need this? So our topic tonight, yes, is staying calm through chaos.

You know a little something about that.

And I like to write about my challenges and how I either overcome them or am planning to overcome them and do better the following time.

Yes.

But I also like to write about successes. So sometimes I get it right.

Yeah, you get it right a lot.

So sometimes I get it wrong and I share that with you. And today I'm going to share with you something, some stuff that I did right.

And we can all learn from it.

We can all— the, the way that we learn from successes is that I look back and I say, okay, well, how did I handle that? How was I able to do a good job so that I know for next time so that I can repeat it?

Yes. You model what works.

Model what works. Plan for what doesn't work. So it's Saturday and we have—

when this is occurring.

So it was Saturday.

Yes.

And we had warnings from National Grid and from multiple friends and family members that we were going to have some major wind and to expect possible power outages. So we appreciated the warning. Warnings are good. We can plan and prep for those. So Seth was fabulous and got everything ready.

Got the candles out, got the flashlights out, charged the backup chargers, had those ready to go.

So you'll appreciate that my whole family was like, do you have all the backup chargers ready?

They weren't worried about the light— flashlights, candles, heat. They just wanted— do we have backup batteries ready for our phones?

Oh my gosh, God forbid our phones die. So we were all prepared, and I woke up and it was my mom's birthday. And my mom waits on us all the time. She cooks for us, she brings us stuff. And for once, um, I don't do this often enough, I need to do this more, she wanted a homemade meal that she didn't cook. That she didn't have to cook. You don't cook on your birthday, women, all of you. We do not cook on our birthday. I'm just saying, that's what takeout is for. So I'm like, okay, I got out of her that she wanted a vanilla cake. So I go to the bakery— we won't name names because I'm very nice— and I'm done with this bakery. They've struck out way too many times. And I call and I'm like, I need a vanilla cake. Oh, we have lots of vanilla cakes. I come in, there's no vanilla cakes. It's half chocolate, half vanilla. They wrote on it, they wrote in green. She doesn't like green. I can't read the writing. And I'm like, Bree, it's just a cake. Relax. You can get another cake. And I was like, oh, did I just say that to myself? So I'll tell you, I wasn't— I mean, I wasn't freaking out. It's all right. I'll take the cake. I don't know why I took the cake. I should have left the cake. And I was like, I have to go to Wegmans. I'll get a cake at Wegmans. So yes, we had 2 cakes. Got a delicious vanilla cake at Wegmans. Got all my supplies. Could barely walk at Wegmans. Don't go to Wegmans on the weekend if you can help it. That's our grocery store. Go home with all the supplies. The power is going off and on. And off and on.

And I look at Seth and I'm like, uh-oh, maybe you should cook it now. And if it doesn't finish, if the power doesn't last long enough, you could take it to your mother's and cook it there because they have a generator.

So he's finishing my sentences.

I'm sorry.

So I was like, okay, we're gonna prep this as quickly as you possibly can because who knows how long you're going to have power, and you're going to get this stuff ready and in the oven and cooked and get it done before you can't get it done. And I was like, stay calm because you have a backup plan. Backup plans help. And if you lose power, you know your parents have a generator, you know your neighbors across the street have a generator, you know your parents have a generator. And Seth We need a generator.

Yes, we'll put that on the list.

Okay, so I have 2 cakes and I'm cooking up a storm and I have a backup plan. Every time the power goes off, Lily is running into the kitchen and freaking out. I'm scared, I'm upset, and the dog's upset. The dog doesn't like the wind, the dog doesn't like the chaos. Lily doesn't like the power going out. There's lots of stuff happening in the greenhouse.

Yes.

And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, it's okay, she's scared, she's having a hard time, it's okay, she just needs you to comfort her. So I didn't like dismiss her, I didn't tell her to go away, I didn't get annoyed.

I, I felt all of those things.

Um, Seth was getting annoyed. I don't know. So how— so I was telling myself— I had positive self-talk.

You did.

That is the crux of the success.

Yes.

Is that in every situation that I'm telling you from Saturday, I was having positive self-talk, which I don't always have. Now I was telling myself, she's just scared, she just needs you to comfort her. She's having a hard time. What were you telling yourself?

Not those nice things. I was probably telling myself things like, she's being annoying, it's not a big deal, it's gonna keep happening, so stop reacting to it and just calm down and go have fun and leave us alone.

So you were like dismissing her feelings, minimizing her feelings, and I was understanding her feelings.

Yes.

Now this is not always how it is. Sometimes it's the other way around. Sometimes, I mean, sometimes I have successes and sometimes I don't. I was having successes with Lily that day. I was able to stay calm and remind myself that she was just having a hard time. I think it's because— Seth, tell me if I'm right— I can empathize with the fact that when I was her age, it would have freaked me out. So maybe it wouldn't have freaked you out.

No.

So I knew as a kid that I would have been acting the same way, so I understood.

Very nice of you.

So I think that's the difference.

Yes.

So then the groomer shows up—

dog groomer—

which I had forgotten about, by the way. It was on my calendar. You have to look at your calendar to actually know what's going on.

It helps to write it— if you write it down, to actually look at it, right?

So the dog groomer shows up and I'm like, this is good. Go with it. She's going to take Tanner out of your house and groom him in the driveway in her van, and he will be out of the way, and you can vacuum and clean without the dog bothering you. He hates the vacuum. He hates the wind.

He hates the vacuum.

Oh, and guess what? He hates the hair dryer too, so he doesn't even want to go in her van.

Mobile grooming center, whatever you want to call it. It's more than a—

it's a spa.

It's a spa.

He went to the spa. So, oh, they should have a mobile spa for women.

They should. And a mobile massage truck. Hop in the van and get massaged or something on a table.

Oh my God, I love that idea. And then they should serve margaritas too.

You gotta have the margarita.

So, okay, so Tanner's in the van and I'm vacuuming, and I'm like, it's okay, your parents don't expect your house to be perfect. Whatever you get cleaned, you get cleaned. Now that is not the old me.

No, definitely not.

So the new me has lowered my standards. The new me does not expect a perfect house. And the old me, when we had people over—

oh my God, you binge cleaned forever—

and expect the house to be perfect.

And you yelled at me, you gotta go clean, you're not cleaning enough, so hurry up. The queen is coming.

My parents showed up with Hanukkah presents. We couldn't celebrate Hanukkah because Ella had the stomach bug the day that we were supposed to celebrate. So they show up with Hanukkah presents. We do Hanukkah, we do birthday, we have two cakes. It was wonderful. And it worked out. And through all the chaos, I stayed calm.

Very impressive.

So how did I do that? I have— I really looked back at this because I want to do this again. I want to repeat this over and over and over. I kept my sense of humor. We were laughing. Do you remember? Like, we were, we were laughing our way through the day. I was like, we have two cakes, we might have power, the meatloaf might cook, it might not. I was just laughing. I wasn't getting angry. I wasn't getting frustrated. I was trying to have a good sense of humor about the day. I was super motivated to give my mom a good birthday. I think that was like the under— big enough reason why I had a I wanted to keep a good attitude and I wanted to be calm for her, partly. I wanted to be in a good state for my mom and for my family, and I wanted to give us all a good day. Um, my mom is always cooking for us, and damn it, I wanted to cook for her.

Yes.

And I was like, please, for the love of God, let me cook for my mother. Power, stay on.

She was saying that, talking out loud to the power all day.

I literally did.

Come on, power.

I was like, come on, power, work for my mother, she deserves this dinner.

Yes, the power was all about you.

Um, I prepared myself mentally to lose power and have to pack up everything and go to my parents' house. So I had a worst-case scenario plan, and really it's not that bad. So what, so you pack everything up and you go and you go cook at your parents' house.

That's awesome progress for you.

Prep it, go and cook it, right?

Yeah.

You're impressed.

I was impressed that day. Yes.

You're seeing the progress.

I am seeing massive progress. 15 years ago, you would have been in tears and you would have been yelling at me.

I would have been in tears and I would have been like, this is terrible.

There might have been occasional some other words. It's interspersed in there that we won't say on air.

I think that we went from— maybe, maybe I'm wrong, but I think we went from maybe not being able to work, to know how to work well together, to 17 years later knowing how to work well together that day.

We have definitely improved our relating and communication.

I think that you've— I've communicated more what I need, and you know more.

Yes.

What I need in those kind of situations. And I didn't— I felt supported. I didn't feel alone.

Yes.

I felt like I had a partner to help me through the, the craziness going on.

Yeah, because a long time ago, I, I might have told you you were being ridiculous. I might have minimized and dismissed your feelings and made it worse.

Well, I don't like when the power goes out and you're not home. That's just my own—

I have magical control over the power.

Well, yes. Well, no, because, um, I don't know, we've lost power when you haven't been home, you've been at work.

Yeah.

And it just felt— I felt more comforted and supported because you were home. Well, thank you. So I would rather lose power with you home than with you at work. And you have lost power at work and texted me at home and said, do you have power?

Yes, there are times I have run home to continue working.

Yes. So it was nice to have you home and feel supported.

I'm glad that—

yes, the chaos.

Yes, I'm glad I did it right.

So we were lucky, our power kept flickering on and off all day, and some people just like lost their power.

Yes, it pretty much— I mean, other than being off for 5 minutes and then back on a bunch of times, which is annoying, it did not— we didn't like lose it like for days or the whole day, right?

I was—

you were able to make the meatloaf and the mashed potatoes. Everything was delicious.

The vegetables and whatever else. I was like, cook quickly, go, go, quick, quick. We talked about the fact that I had positive self-talk. If I take control of my self-talk, I have such a better day. And when I start to hear myself going to a negative place, if I let myself go there, I feel like a totally different person in a bad way. So I have to pay attention to what I'm telling myself, and I train myself every day how to talk to myself. So we can change it. I mean, 17 years later, my self-talk is completely different.

Yes.

And my, and my expectations of myself are completely different.

Yes.

So I knew Lily was having a hard time. I said to myself, she's having a hard time, she's scared, she's nervous, just comfort her. And I didn't get annoyed, and that made everything go smoother. And it also rubs off on him. Yes. Like, you'll see if your partner is going to a negative place, we don't want to go with them. We want to be the one bringing them back to the other way. We don't want to go with them to the negative place.

No, we definitely do not. That makes it worse.

And sometimes I'm going to the negative place and you bring me back.

Yes.

So we do— we try to do it for each other.

Yes.

Not always successfully, but sometimes we are.

Yes.

Um, we talked about Seth supporting me. I think there was more. I didn't expect perfection in the day. I didn't expect the food or the, the food to be perfect. I didn't expect the house to be perfect. There was no perfection expectations.

That is awesome progress.

Um, COVID has done a lot of crap for all of us, but it's done some good stuff too. And it has made me— and I don't know if Seth realizes this— but it has made me appreciate celebrations more than I ever have. And I took them for granted. I took birthdays for granted. I took bat mitzvahs for granted. I took it all for granted. And now when I get to do things, um, there's more appreciation. And just getting together in general with anyone feels more like a privilege now because we were locked down, we were shut down.

It's a great way to look at it.

So COVID has given me a new appreciation for being able to do things like celebrate my mom's birthday.

Yep.

So that has put me in a much more positive state. And a lot of times instead of like, dreading things like, oh God, I gotta do this. The new message that I tend to tell myself is I get to do this. So not I have to do this.

Yep.

Or I need to do this. It's more I want to do this, or I get to do this. And those helped me. Those two things helped me so much. So I pulled it off.

You did.

I stayed calm among some chaos.

You did.

It was, it was amusing. I had the meatloaf in the oven and the oven went off and I was like, it's okay, it's gonna be okay. So I want to celebrate successes and I wanna learn from them and I wanted to share them. So hopefully you can take something away from this too.

Yes.

And I would love to hear from you something you did successful this week because we can learn from your successes too.

Absolutely.

So I do wanna tell you that I believe Dana McNeil is my podcast this Friday. I forgot to look it up. That's what my memory is telling me. And she is awesome because she's certified by Gottman. And if you're in my world of social work, you probably know who John Gottman is. He— I have brought him up several times. He is quite the guru with marriage, and I need to do some of his trainings. He is awesome, and he provides certifications to therapists, and Dana has one of them. Um, she's one of few. There aren't a ton of people, so it was awesome getting to talk to her about marriage. So you're gonna love it. That's Friday's podcast. And I just finished the December challenge, and, um, it was the Light Up the World Challenge, and I delivered all of my gifts. I have one more going out and then I'm done. So that was fun. And, um, anything else?

I think you covered it.

We just need a child. Yes, Ella, we just, we just need you to close us out, sweetie. Oh, now they're gonna, now they're gonna fight over who's closing us out.

What if they don't?

Somebody better be here in 2 seconds.

Why are you always rushing me?

She's, she's here from dance class, all nice and clean from the shower. Close this out, Cookie. Thank you for watching Winey Blues Wednesday with the Green Family. Thank you everyone, have a wonderful week.