The Whinypaluza Podcast Episode 122 Valentine’s Day Special with Seth and Rebecca Greene

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone. This is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast, and I have my favorite guest on today. This is our Valentine's Day special, and who better to have on than my sweetheart Seth Green. Honey, thank you for doing this with me today.

Well, thank you so much. It is an honor to be asked. I am thrilled to be your most repeated guest. I believe I am one episode ahead of your Golden Girls, so we're gonna have to have some— me on some more so they can't catch up.

That is so cute. Well, Seth is a fantastic person. I have interviewed introduced him several times. So I'm going to try again. If you don't know, he has several businesses, and I'm sure I will forget some of them when I introduce him. He is the CEO of Market Domination, a fabulous marketing company, BMD Publishing, Silver Spoon Financial, Save Money for College, How to find money for college.

But you got 4 out of 4, so that's pretty good.

You need to give me a list next time we do this so that I can just say boom, boom, boom.

I'll get you a list, honey.

Um, Seth does so much, I don't know half of what he does. The other day he said, oh, I should probably tell you that I have more podcasts. Um, I had no idea. Do you want to tell them all the podcasts you're running?

I co-host the Sharkpreneur Podcast with Kevin Harrington from Shark Tank. I am the host of the IMO Insurance Marketing Organization's podcast. I am the co-host of the Local Business Show, and I am the co-host of the College and Career Counselor Show.

Well, in the spare time that he doesn't have, he's also a fantastic husband and father. And we are going to focus on our marriage today because this is for Valentine's Day. And I believe that Valentine's Day is for everybody that you love. And I think that you don't have to have a partner for Valentine's Day. You can show love to your parents, your kids, your friends, yourself. Yourself. Oh, Seth, that was so good. So show love to whoever you love in your life. Seth and I want to go on a date. We love when we make time for dates with each other. So we will plan something for Valentine's Day as an excuse to go on a date. And before we jump into the topic that we have today, I want to publicly appreciate my husband. We were talking about this on our walk today. I had a really rough morning. It was a rough morning today. I did not get myself moving quick enough. Um, we had to get Ella to her voice recital. Then right after the voice recital, which went too long, I had to run to Girl Scouts for Lily and had mothers texting me this morning and was just feeling I hate that chaotic state that I get in, and Seth and I have talked about it so many times because he has learned to be a better partner to me through my chaotic moments.

Yes, I, I no longer make it worse.

I think that he used to follow me and go down the chaotic path with me.

Yes, and get mad at you for being chaotic.

And now I think after 17 years together, he's learned that I need him to be the calm force to help me get calmer, which he did. He said, how can I help? Which I love when he asks me that question. He said, remember to stay calm for Ella. Ella is excited for her recital. So he instantly took me out of being selfish about me and how I was feeling and made it about Ella and that it was Ella's special day. So Seth did so much right as my husband today.

So I want Thank you so much. I did not know that was coming. I really appreciate that, honey.

One of the things we learned from the Holderness family— the Holderness family wrote a book. Seth, do you want to hold up their book? It's called Everybody Fights.

So why not get good at it?

It's all about marriage and fighting and being better at fighting.

Conflict resolution is probably a better way to phrase that.

And I said to Seth, you know, we're going to do this special together. What do you think of reading this book? And Mr. Speed Reader was like, ah, give me a couple of days. I'll I'll read it and we can talk about it.

I said I would love to read a book on relationships and marriage and was waiting for you to be done with the book so I could get a chance to read it.

I did not know that, and I did finish the book and pass it on, and he did read it in 2 days, and we are ready to talk about it. But one of the things that—

be the honorary 5th member of your book club.

You really are. They call you Stan, but I'm Rose in, in book club. I'm Rose, so I don't know how you're Stan. It's just funny. So, so, um, one of the things that Ken and Kim talk about is that you can never appreciate your spouse enough, and public appreciation is one of the ways that you can appreciate them. So I like to tell Seth a lot that I appreciate him, but I want to tell all of you too.

Well, thank you very much. I greatly appreciate that. I will never get tired of, of public or private appreciation. So can I go first?

Yeah.

So from my notes, one of the things I thought that was really interesting, and I'd love to get your take on it, they would— their way of phrasing it was, your crap follows you. And I have said that to you over the years as when we have a conflict, and it seems to me in my amateur assessment that your reaction does not equal what's actually happening. It might be greater than what is actually happening. And I say, honey, you're reacting to someone or something who's not even in the room and not here. Like, we get triggered, right? You do something that reminds me of somebody, and that— I get more upset at you than I should, should be, because it's not you, it's bringing back other memories. And you do the same thing. So, so talk about that.

Um, I was not always assertive. I was not always able to stick up for myself and have had men in my life before me, before Seth, who have not treated me so well. So if Seth pushes a button that makes me think of one of them or something someone in my life has done to upset me, I most definitely am not reacting to Seth. Seth just might be acting just a tiny bit like the other person, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, like my wall comes up quickly and I'm like, stop, I have to protect myself and not let a man walk all over me. Boom, the wall is up, which is not what I was trying to do. But I mean, my past— our past influences our relationship. Absolutely right. And I chose Seth for so many reasons, and he's a lot of things that I was looking for in a partner, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't ever trigger a button of how I was treated in the past. Right, right.

Absolutely.

What about you?

I, yes, there are times that you trigger me and times that I realize that I'm being triggered and times that I don't know it and I'm just pure reaction.

Yeah. Well, and we, okay, let's talk about the sympathetic nervous system. They talk about that and I love that they talk about that because when we're in a certain state, you know, if, if my heart is racing, if I'm feeling tense, if I'm seeing red, I'm aware of the fact that that is not a good time to talk to Seth, right? I mean, are you aware of your sympathetic nervous system and when is a good or not good time to talk to me?

About half the time. I get it right half the time. Yes, I'm improving. It used to be 0%. I used to think, oh man, I'm pissed off, we're not stopping this now, as opposed going, this probably is going to go worse if you continue. You should probably shut up and wait till you're both calmer.

So I want to tell you what Seth and I have gotten better at. He used to— we used to— we both used to do things wrong in the fight. He would badger me to keep fighting when I, I knew that I was not going to say anything good, and I would go to stonewalling. Which is one of the Four Horsemen of marriage. You do not want to stonewall your partner, which they also talk about in the book. Um, I would go to stonewall because I was like, it was like a defense mechanism, like, I can't talk, I'm shutting down, I'm going in my shell. So what Seth and I are doing better now is he has learned to back off and wait, and I have learned to communicate that I need space so Seth doesn't think that I'm stonewalling him, so that he knows that I'm just cooling down.

Yeah, and I never— I— you were the one who taught me the term. It wasn't that I thought you were stonewalling me, it was she's shutting down, going into her shell. Oh no, I can't let her do that, we have to finish this first. Bad things will happen if a woman goes off and thinks without me. Like, oh no, she's gonna think bad things, I gotta stop it.

Right, but you've changed.

Yes, I have matured very much, thank you.

They talk about their rules to fighting. Do we have rules to our fighting?

We don't, but we should. At least if we do have rules, I'm unaware of them.

I think that there are unspoken rules, and I think that all of us, everyone listening and Seth and I, need to actually write down rules to fighting.

That would be the Ten Commandments. That'd be a good idea.

Right? Like, number one is no name-calling.

Yeah.

Number two is, you know what's gonna hurt your partner, don't do it. Okay? You know the buttons to push, don't push the buttons. Um, number—

so you're saying I shouldn't say during a fight, honey, would you as a social worker act like this? Would you tell a client to do that? My God, at the beginning of our marriage, I am so sorry, I used to throw that crap in your face, and that was totally unfair, and thank God you put up with it, and I learned to stop doing it a long time ago.

Well, I think what Seth has learned is that there's always a therapist voice in my head, but the wife and mother don't always listen to the therapist, right?

I've had a financial advisor voice and a marketer voice, and there are times that you could have very easily, you know, when I made dumb decisions, you could have thrown that in my face and said, is this the advice you would give a client? I would have been like, ooh, that's below the belt, but damn, you're right.

Yep. I also think that we can't bring in our parents into our fight because, because we don't, we don't want to say you're acting like your father, you're acting like your mother. Like, that just, that, that's like trying to hurt each other.

That is inflammatory language, right?

Our parents are wonderful people. We're not putting down our parents, but I'm saying that's one of the rules that we should establish in our marriage. And we've talked about rules, but we've never like written them down and like agreed to them.

Yes, that would, that would be awesome. And then we should add another rule that you won't throw the rules in the other person's face and say, hey, we agreed you wouldn't do this and you're doing this right now, because that would just piss you off more.

I think that you could have a code word for rules, like, right? Like if you said banana, that could be a reminder to follow the rules instead of saying follow the rules.

Yes, because we know that you do not like to be told what to do and you don't like rules. So We'll work on that.

I think I've gotten better.

Yes, you have. I will freely give you all the credit.

I think we, as we, as we're together longer, we grow more towards each other versus away from each other.

So like, if I'm super neat and anyways, you could throw me under the bus. I freely admit that stuff.

I just think that Seth has gotten neater and I've loosened up is what you've gotten messier.

I've gotten neater. We've, we're averaging out.

I don't know that I've gotten messy. I just think I've loosened up.

I didn't say messy. I said messier in comparison to the crazy anal lady that I fell in love with.

Yeah, you did. You, you picked, you picked me.

Yes. And then figured, eh, I'll spend the rest of my life mellowing her out a little bit.

Ah, yes. That is definitely part of your job description. So Seth, you, because you're married to a therapist, this was not like new for you. They talk about the word metacommunication. And for those of you who don't know, um, it's talking after a fight or discussion about how you communicate. It's couples talking about how they communicate as a couple.

Yeah. Like postmortem, Monday morning quarterback. Hey, let's go analyze what we just went through with each other and see how we can do it better.

So that was like the cornerstone of therapy. I would go into a house, they would be telling me all about a fight, and I would be there to help them analyze the fight, go through the fight, talk about what they did right, what they did wrong, what they were gonna do different next time. Do you feel like we do that?

I feel like we could do it. I feel like we do it, but we don't do it all the time, and we could definitely do it more often and improve that process.

Well, and I think we've gotten better at cooling down and coming to each other and being like, oh, I really screwed that up. Like, let's talk about this.

Absolutely.

Yes, yes, we're improving.

Yes. Um, it's funny that you brought up metacommunication. That was number 2 on my note list. Okay, so, um, number 3 on mine would be— and, and I, I freely admit my, my own challenges in this in terms of asking for what you actually want.

Oh my goodness. Oh, I thought about you in that chapter. I thought about Seth a lot, of course, through the book, but that's a good one. Um, tell— talk to us about that. Why is that hard for you?

That's a good— I don't know that I figured that out yet. I don't— why— maybe if I'm analyzing, if I'm trying to come up with an answer to your question on the spot, I would probably say it's challenging for me. I have let it be challenging for me because I'm afraid that you'll say no.

Right, but that's like— they do a chart in the book, and the chart is if you ask, you could get what you want.

Correct.

If you don't ask, you'll never get what you want. I, I agree with that. So what is the fear of rejection? Like, what's the worst that could happen? I say no and be mad about it.

So did I ask?

Okay, so how do we get you better at asking for what you want or need.

I should practice, right? I should practice asking for things.

I'm trying to remember that chapter. It didn't speak to me as much as it would speak to you.

Not your issue. You are very good at being very clear about what you want, which is really helpful because I'm not a mind reader, and I love it when you tell me what I want because then I can go do it and be sure I'm doing what you want.

Well, it started with ladies It started with me not getting what I want for like my birthday or for Mother's Day. And I realized my family is not gonna give me what I want if I don't ask for it. So now I've learned, I spell it out, like, we're gonna go on a family adventure. You're gonna like it. You're gonna deal with it. You're gonna have dinner with me. And this is what I want for dessert. And this is what I want for my gift.

And this is the kind of cake I want. Yep.

Right. So like, if I don't ask for the cake I want, I don't get the cake I want. If I don't ask for the gift I want, I don't get the gift I want. I love when Seth surprises me. I don't want to always say like, these are the earrings I want. I love when he surprises me, but I quickly learned that I was expecting my family to read my mind and I was constantly disappointed. So I got really good at asking for what I wanted.

Yes.

So now we need to work on Seth.

Yes, we, yes, we do need to work on me. I agree.

Well, which is the other point that made me think of Seth. They did a really good job explaining understanding our partner's needs. Because I use conferences as an example in my head as I was reading this chapter, because Seth loves going to conferences. He hasn't because of COVID but before COVID he was going to a lot of conferences and I hated it. I was like, oh my God, he's traveling again. I can barely keep up with these kids while he's here. How am I going to keep up with them when he's gone? And I miss him. And I would like get resentful and cranky. And, and then they started talking about Penn playing tennis and Kim getting cranky about it. But Penn had to explain to Kim why he needed that. And they got me thinking about Seth and that Seth needs to go on conferences for himself. It's his growth. It's his— I mean, you can say what your needs are, but it made me think of you.

Absolutely. I would agree with that. Conference needs I get met at conference, all of them: growth, significance, variety, socialization, contribution.

So I don't like it for my own selfish reasons but support it for Seth's reasons.

Yes, absolutely.

Although you've been off the hook for a couple years because of COVID And I think that when our partners are doing something that we don't understand, we have to try to get to why are they doing what they're doing. Like, why do I need to go to Starbucks by myself? Why do I need—

please go get some space.

But do you know what I mean? Like, yes, they can't, they can't, they have to understand what we need, and they don't understand what we need if we don't explain it to them.

Very true.

Yes. So do you want to do yours, your list, or my list?

I thought we were going back and forth.

Okay, is it my turn?

It is your turn.

Okay, so staying in the airport. I love that. That's how they refer to it. Staying in the airport means staying on topic during a fight. And, um, I like that term, stay in the airport. Don't wander off to Denver. Like, what do you think about that? How are, how are we doing with staying in the airport?

I think we're doing pretty good with it. It used to be a bigger issue. When something would happen that we had a conflict over and I would call it, you would kitchen sink it and throw in a whole bunch of other stuff. And I was like, and some of it I knew about, some of it you had not mentioned and were saving up for a rainy day and said, hey, and you did this. I was like, I did? I don't even remember that. You never told me you were mad. Well, I'm telling you now. So I think we've gotten much, much better at staying in the airport. We have succumbed temptation tangent every once in a while, but I think we're pretty good at it.

Well, and I think that if we store things up is when it comes out in a fight because you're pissed about something and then everything else that you're pissed about comes out too. So if we communicate more regularly, it's easier not— it's easier not to kitchen sink something.

Absolutely.

Okay, what do you got?

Um, I really resonated. I like the third chapter on perfection, declaring bankruptcy on perfection.

Yeah, yeah.

Saying, hey, it's not gonna be perfect, it doesn't have to be perfect, it's okay that it's not perfect. We need to lower our expectations to be realistic and human so that we don't beat ourselves up, uh, more than we're already doing.

We've talked about this a ton, Seth, because I was a perfectionist and I really don't think I am anymore.

I would agree.

And I think that I realized that putting all that pressure on myself was setting myself up to be upset all the time. And it also made me realize it was spilling over to me expecting perfection from everybody else in my life. So lowering expectations of ourselves then leads to lowering expectations of everybody else, which makes for much more harmonious relationships with yourself and with everybody else.

Yes. Yes, we expect everybody to know our rules for ourselves and our standards for ourselves and to measure up to them, and they never— they don't— they're unaware and didn't agree to those terms.

Exactly. And you taught me that. You were a very good teacher of that. You're like, they don't know your rules and expectations, right?

Because you— I would still watch you get mad at people. How could that person do that? I'm like, did, did they really do it to you, or did they just happen to do it and you saw it? It was near you. And do they even know you're upset? Were they trying to upset you? And do they even know that that violates one of your rules that doesn't— they don't know exists?

All very true. Now, this next one is so important to you. Um, you wouldn't have agreed to this at the beginning of our relationship, but why do you think it's important to fight?

Hmm, that's a— I think in any relationship between two people for a significant length of time, you're going to have conflict. You're different people. You had different lives before you met each other. You were raised differently. So you're going to have disagreements. And I think obviously it's important to learn a healthy, constructive way to resolve them that ends up bringing you closer together as opposed to pulling you apart.

Right. And I think that the— what I explained to Seth when we got together is that the couples who don't fight are the couples that I worry about because they've like disengaged. They don't care.

I still think it is possible. So to me, fight is a negatively emotionally charged word in the context of a relationship. And I would tell you I'm still being naive and unrealistic But I think you could have a lot of conflict resolution without having to have it rise to the level where it's, we had a fight, right? Like today, this morning. Yeah, this morning you talked about could have easily— a couple years ago, I could have easily made it worse, upset you to the point of tears, made— had Ella crying, and ruined it for everybody, and then we would all have had to overcome that before her performance to be, you know, so that she could be happy and perform on stage. And I had done that before. I had made those situations worse, and that turns into a fight. However, me saying, hey, how can I help? Hey, can we stay calm for Ella? It's about Ella. No fight.

Because you were right.

Yes, you heard it here, folks, on air. It's recorded forever.

Well, and I think that maybe if we label it as disagreements, it's less emotionally fueled, right?

I mean, Tony Robbins would tell you it's transformational vocabulary. Once he took the word depressed out of his vocabulary, he never got depressed again. You know, there are cultures, Aboriginal cultures in Australia, that don't have a word for conflict, fight, or war, and they've never had a war and never fought another tribe because the concept doesn't exist.

But I think that if you are having feelings that you are not communicating, that is not going to help your relationship. And you have to, you have to communicate. It doesn't have to be a huge fight, but you have to try to talk about it, even if it's uncomfortable.

Yes, especially because it's uncomfortable. If it's uncomfortable, that's a sign you need to do it.

Well, and I think we're afraid of being rejected like we're afraid of how our partner is going to respond to a lot of things, like asking for things, telling them our needs. But your partner loves you and most likely won't reject you. And if your partner does say no, you can handle it.

Very true. And I think that segues great into, um, the next thing I wanted to talk about, which is our emotional patterns. Yeah, I think learning to recognize what the other person's emotional patterns are so we can be supportive of them, like we did this morning, is really helpful. Recognize, oh, she's stressed, she's overwhelmed, she's trying to do too much, we're trying to get to too many places at once, she's worried about the time and everything else going on that I don't know about that I found out about later. And me telling her to stop feeling that way is just going to make it worse and piss her off, and me arguing with her isn't going to help. But me offering to help and be supportive of her calms her down. Everybody ends up happy. Everybody wins.

Well, so we have learned in our marriage that it's kind of like taking turns. So like if Seth is going hot and red and chaotic, I have to keep myself in check to help him. And if I'm going in that direction, he needs to help calm me and we have to stop following each other. Like, we don't need to go down into the dumps with them.

Yes, it— if you both— misery does love company. However, that doesn't get you out of the negative state. You need one person to stay in a more resourceful state to help lift the other per— pull the other person back up.

So we have to take turns because, like, it can't always be you, it can't always be me. Sometimes, you know, it depends on who's having a rough moment.

Absolutely.

So I was having a rough morning and you did a good job.

Thank you again.

Secret contracts. Do we have secret contracts? Would you be comfortable asking to change a secret contract if it didn't work for you?

Um, yes and yes. Would you like to tell people what secret contracts are first?

It's things that you do without your partner, like knowing, asking. You know, cooking dinner is an example for me.

Yes. I clean the litter. I take the garbage out if I'm home. I, you know, do dishes to try and get to them before you get a chance to get to them. Stuff like that. Yes.

Yeah. Like Seth knows I'm going to do the laundry. He knows that I'm going to do the dishes if he didn't. He knows I'm going to cook him dinner and go to the grocery store. Like he knows the things that I'm going to do. If something wasn't working for me, I would be comfortable saying, for example, this isn't true for today, Seth, but if I were to say, I really don't feel up to going to Wegmans, can I give you the list? Are you feeling up to it? He would go.

I would happily go for you every time if you let me. But you like to look at things on the shelves and get inspired and pull stuff off. So you don't always put everything on the list because it will pop into your head. But if I go, I'm not pulling anything off the shelves except maybe junk food. I am only buying what's on the list, which doesn't necessarily always work for you.

So I tend— I have a really poor meal planning method, but it is spontaneous inspiration. It has worked for us for many, many years. I literally go to Wegmans, our grocery store, see what they have out, see what looks good, and put it in the cart for dinner. I'm like, oh, those ribs look good. Oh, those those chicken thighs look good and I just throw them all in the cart. Tends to be the same stuff every week, which by the way really helps to do like the same rotation. Yes. Okay.

You also, you did change a secret. Um, I'll, can I bring up one example of a secret contract you've changed? We have one early in our relationship where at one point you were doing the finances, right? You were paying all the bills, you were writing in the checkbook and no, no, no, that was, you wanted to do it. And then I said, okay. So that was your— that you took that on, and then you got too stressed out because in the beginning of our relationship, when my career— when my business was just starting, my paycheck fluctuated dramatically every month, and you never knew how much money was in the checking account or when it was coming. So you got stressed out and overwhelmed going, how am I supposed to do this if I don't know how much money we really have? And you threw the checkbook back, literally threw it back at me and said, I'm done, you do this. So you rewrote the secret contract, which I have happily taken over ever since. And obviously our life has gotten a whole lot more abundant financially since then. So theoretically you probably could do it now, but I think we're both happier with me doing it because then you don't have to worry about it.

I'm sorry about throwing the checkbook at you.

It's okay. Listen, it was my fault anyway.

It's an example of a secret contract changing and not the best way of asking for it.

Yes. Had you said, honey, I just can't handle this, can you do it? Would've been much nicer than take this, beep. Yeah.

Oh my gosh.

But you have grown a lot since then. I mean, that was our first couple years of marriage.

I would hope so. Growth every year, right? Every day.

Every day.

What do you got next?

I did emotional— oh, you did secret contracts. Um, so I don't know if this is on your list. I don't want to necessarily steal your thunder, but, um, treat your spouse like you would treat a stranger.

That is okay. So they stole this line. This is a very common line that therapists use, and it's one of my— it's my favorite line in the book.

Well, they didn't steal it. They quoted their therapist.

Okay. Well, I'm saying that—

yes, sorry—

they said to treat your partner like a stranger, and I'm saying that is like the best line that you could take away from this for your marriage.

Why, why do you think it's the best line?

I will say that you will go into a store, you will smile at strangers, you will give them eye contact, you will go to the checkout lady, you will say please and thank you. I mean, not everybody, I'm just giving you examples. These are all strangers. Like, are you giving your partner eye contact when he walks in the room? Are you smiling at him? Are you saying please and thank you? Like, these are all things we do for strangers, and if we did them for our husband or wife, we would have better marriages, right?

And there's also things you wouldn't do to a stranger that you do do to your spouse that we shouldn't do. Like, you wouldn't yell at a stranger, you wouldn't swear at a stranger, you wouldn't— you know, there, there's things that you would— because someone, a stranger, would be like, who is this crazy lady yelling at me? Like, you might get punched in the face, you don't know. So you wouldn't treat a stranger like that, but for some reason we feel safe with the person we love the most having these negative emotions expressed in a negative way when they should get the best of us, not the worst of us.

Well, and we're deciding every day to stay with that person. I mean, we're committed. I'm not scaring you. Like, I'm committed. I've committed my life to Seth, but we decide every day to be with that person.

So you stay married every day.

Yeah. So we need to think about the fact that we want our partner to be feel grateful for being married to us every day. We don't want to swear at them and make them want to like leave the house. And I also— there's two things that I like in relation to this. Number one is I tell you that I like to treat you like my boyfriend. And number two is I like to try to think that there's a camera in my house, a video camera.

And I'm going to interrupt you and put a caveat on the video camera. In say 20 years ago, saying there's a video camera in my house might make you behave better. I've watched the Housewives shows with you. Putting video cameras in their house doesn't seem to have improved their behavior at all. In some cases has made it worse. So I would say in our reality show, hopefully someone watching would make our behavior like on your best behavior, like people are coming over as opposed to throwing drinks in people's faces.

For sure. I mean, I'm talking about the fact that would I want people to see how I'm acting right now?

Yes, or would you want your grandmother watching?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, that's a really good line. Um, let— they talked about sex a lot. I'm surprised you haven't brought that up. Um, they said so much about sex. Their relationship was kind of in the pits when they weren't having sex. And I think that you and I know that regular sex makes us nicer, nicer to each other.

It makes everything better.

Absolutely. So So two things. Why do you think it gets pushed to the bottom? Maybe not for you.

It doesn't for me, but that's okay.

So why do you think it gets— it doesn't get prioritized enough?

Am I throwing you under the bus here?

Yeah, go for it.

You let life get in the way.

Yeah.

You let too much activity with the kids, too much logistics, driving them around, too much going, too many balls in the air. Um, you, you let it get in the way, tire you out, drain your emotions so that you think you have nothing left.

And they talked about the fact that you need to be able to relax to have sex. You're like, your brain needs to be able to—

right, which is it— I, I think your biggest obstacle, right? We got— I used to have this mistaken belief that you corrected, that I'm like, Lily has to be sweet to her and she has to get everything done on her list and she has to get some sleep the night before, and she has to like have gotten everything accomplished and feel good and get Lily to bed easily. And, and then I got a prayer, um, and you were like, then it's never gonna happen.

And I had to—

I had to let go of that attachment and go, okay, I can still try and initiate sex even if everything didn't go smoothly. I don't own that 100%. I will freely admit that. However, I have gotten better at it and realized, hey, if you do something to help her feel good or relax first, your odds improve dramatically, which increase your frequency of your, you know, live-in masseuse suddenly spontaneously massaging you.

Beth will say, my hands are dry.

Yeah, I got to get some cream on them. Can I use your body for this? And she'll be like, oh, all right.

Can I rub your feet? Can I rub your back?

That is one of her favorite lines of mine. I need some cream on my hands. Can I rub it on you?

Um, what do you think about scheduled sex days?

We're, we're kind of working on that.

We— oh yeah, that's true. That's right.

We are kind of making it— it's not a guarantee, but we are scheduling some dates so that—

so we're, we're working on that. But I think that what you're saying, which is exactly what they said, is that when we have regular sex Everything else in our marriage is better.

Yes. And magically both our businesses improve too when we're happy.

Bom bom bom.

So see, honey, when you say I want my podcast to make me more money, you should just take me upstairs. That's the problem. It would make more money if you just took me upstairs.

Oh my gosh. Okay. Your turn.

The last one I had on my list, we started to allude to earlier, but Under Secret Contracts. But I thought their chapter on money was really interesting.

Yeah, that was next.

And I, I thought their analogy of— it's not of where you spend your money, is what you value. I thought that was really, really fascinating, and I'm actually going to use that with my financial planning clients.

Really, really good chapter. One of my favorite chapters, um, when she spent $750 on cream.

Oh, on face cream. Oh my God, I couldn't— but I could just picture you doing that and Oh my God.

Yeah, see, but what I said to Seth, like, I have business expenses that I'm not using for business expenses yet, but like, I'm on camera. Like, I was joking with Seth that my makeup, like, I'm not pay— I'm not making anything a business expense. Like, I'm buying more makeup. I just bought something to do my hair. Like, I'm on camera, I want to look nice. Like, Kim was like, I want cream. I want to look good.

I didn't know face cream could cost $750, and I'm glad for Penn that she returned that.

I, I loved how honest they were. I was so impressed with their honesty in their book.

Yeah, they were very transparent about all the good, the bad, and the ugly in their relationship, which was very helpful. You have a line that you use a lot when you see something like that or when we watch it on TV, or when a friend says something and you laugh and you say every marriage is the same. And I thought it was really interesting that, you know, when you have a male and a female energy, gender aside, and you have that polarity, which is what attracts you in the first place, you also have similar issues in every relationship.

Yeah, I do, because we're two different species, right? Right. It's so true. That is so, so true. What do you think about money? Do you think we fight a lot about money?

I think it's gotten— I think we fight a lot less. I've— well, one, so you used to get mad at me if I said no. You used to get mad at me if you felt I was coming from a scarcity place or acting cheap. And what— I don't know, I'm assuming we've talked about, or you realize the only reason I've ever— I ever acted cheap was because I was in a scarcity place and thought we didn't have the money or was stressed about money. And I think as our businesses have gotten more and more successful, the scarcity fights have dramatically decreased because we're not scared, thankfully. We're not financially necessarily scarce. So I'm not restricting, hey, you can't buy that $60 hair thing because I'm not worried about the money because we're good. Now, I think we had a lot more fights in the beginning because we were learning how to communicate with each other and I was fighting with you a lot more because I felt like I didn't have any money to spend.

Well, and I laugh at myself how I sometimes communicate to you, because the other day, this is what I said. This is what I said to him. I said, so I really want a $600 hair thing, but I paid for the knockoff for $60 because I thought if I told him it was really $600—

right, but you know I'm on to you, right? You know that doesn't work. And you're like, look, I saved $90. It's just like Kim did it in the thing. Look, I saved 90%, right? I'd save $500. It's like it's free. And I'm like, no, I wasn't spending the $500. You don't get any credit for that. That doesn't count. Seth is like, I wasn't even spending the $60. I know you have a hair dryer and a hair curler and a hair straightener upstairs that all work because I've used them.

Yeah, well, yes, but hopefully this is better.

I hope I see 10 times the improvement in your hair.

We're gonna find out. And it was only $60.

Right, but if it's supposed to be 600, this better be like— your hair better like do itself and better like pop off the side of your head. I mean, see, this is spoken like an ignorant guy.

Oh my God.

Although as my hair gets longer, I will learn about some of this stuff.

Oh my God, but we're not going to curl your hair.

Oh no, it's too curly. It's curly as it is. We're not curling my hair.

What, what do you think is your biggest takeaway to improve your marriage from the There's so—

I mean, I don't know that I've got one. There's— I think we didn't even talk— I think the biggest writer downer for me that I will implement is the line, "Tell me more," which was, hey, if someone's upset about something, you know, don't mansplain. Don't tell her why she shouldn't feel that way. Don't tell her why she's wrong. Ask a question. Um, so, or it— I, I think the tell me more line will probably be the most useful to me. What about you?

I think the book made me less selfish. And I know that you think— yeah, I know that you think I'm such a giver, um, which I, which I am. But I think that with the children, I think that women can be really good at paying attention to the kids and what the kids need and I think we forget about our spouses and yourself. It, well, yes, but we're talking about marriage. So let's talk about you. What I learned about my husband is that I'm not always in tune to the fact that he's having a hard time, or I'm not always in tune to the fact that he needs something that I don't understand. So I think that, you know, them explaining that Penn was in a negative spot and Kim totally missed it. Like, that's me. Totally me. I have looked over at him at Seth after work and I've realized I've been in such a tailspin with the kids that I didn't even notice that it looks like he had a hard day. We didn't talk about it. So I think for me, it helped me be a better wife because I will pay attention more to Seth. Like, what kind of state is he in? Is he okay? And are his needs getting met? Um, you know, Penn uses tennis. Tennis is not one of Seth's needs, but when he goes in the basement to play his guitar, Krav— Krav Maga. Yep, he does martial arts. So martial arts, playing the guitar, um, I'm sure playing the piano. I'm trying to think of other things I've caught you doing. Meditating, like I need to not be selfish and be thinking about like maybe what I would rather him be doing and be happy that he's taking care of himself.

Yeah. And it's interesting, you brought up something else that I noticed in the money chapter when they talked about where you spend it is what you value. I've told you a lot of the times you need to spend more on yourself because I look at the checkbook and like all the money you spend is on the kids. And I'll be like, go get yourself a purse, go get yourself some shoes. Like you're only— you're spending money on the kids. Like, take care of yourself too, please. Because it makes you a better mother and wife.

Yes, yes. Um, well, I read this book, I picked this book for book club, so my lovely book club recorded a podcast on this book that you will hear probably in March, I'm guessing. Um, so I'm happy that I could talk about it with Seth too. It's such a good book, they did a great job. I'm shocked they did a marriage book. Um, I would love for them to write another book just like about their life in general. And, um, I'm gonna share this podcast with them. I don't know if they're gonna listen to it, but I'm gonna share it with them. And, um, let's just share a few things with them about Winey Palooza before we wrap up. Um, Seth created an awesome Winey Palooza app, um, which I would love for you to go and get. It's free.

In both the Google or Apple Play, Apple, Apple App Stores.

Yes. I have a Whiny Palooza Mom group that's free in Facebook. Another way for me to be supportive and for us to help each other. And you can find me on Facebook at Whiny Palooza. You can find me at, on Instagram at Whiny Palooza Mom. And I have joined TikTok, so you can come find me at Whiny Palooza Mom on TikTok. TikTok. Um, I release a new topic every Wednesday morning, a blog, and then Seth and I go live at 9 o'clock on Wednesday nights to talk about the topic in a vlog. And 9 PM Eastern time, 9 PM Eastern time, uh, live on Facebook and TikTok. And I believe that you then put it on YouTube too, right, Seth? Correct. So anything you want to share about where they can find you? What about the— talk about the college savings.

Okay, I'll give a howtofindmoneyforcollege.com if you'd like to cut the cost of your child's college tuition, $19,077 per year. And if you own a business or work in sales and want to grow your business, marketdominationllc.com.

Honey, thank you for doing this with me.

Thank you so much for having me.

This was a lot of fun. I love you very much.

Always is. I love you too.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Have a wonderful Valentine's Day. This is Rebecca Green reminding you to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.