The Whinypaluza Podcast Episode 128 Birthday/Bat Mitzvah Special With My Daughter Ella Greene

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone. This is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast. And today's episode is so special to me because we have my daughter, Ella Rae Green, with us. Hi, Ella. Hi, Mama. Thank you for doing this with me.

Of course.

I had a request, and I don't know if Ellen knows this, but I had a request to have my children on my podcast. So, so we aren't doing all three at the same time. We are going to start with Ella because this is going to be airing on the day between her 13th birthday and her bat mitzvah. So this episode is all about Ella, and it's going to be awesome, and it's going to be helpful. And I want to, I want to celebrate Ella and her turning 13 and having her bat mitzvah. So let me introduce you to my fabulous child. She is Ella Green, is an actress, singer, dancer, author, and student. She has been Annie in Annie, Marty in Madagascar, The Candyman in Willy Wonka, Jane in Descendants, Pinocchio in Shrek, Chip in Beauty and the Beast. She is about to be the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz. I'm sure that's not all of her parts. Those are just some of her parts. Ella has written a few books, including The Fastest Raindrop, Super Ella. She wrote I Remember Heaven with Me. Ella is a wonderful student who receives high honor grades. And she is about to complete her bat mitzvah. As her mother, I couldn't be more proud of her. I am most proud of her amazing heart, and you can find Ella at ellaraygreen.com, and you can buy her books on Amazon. So that is, that is a little introduction to my fabulous daughter.

You are so nice.

Um, I only speak the truth. Let's jump into questions, and let's start with acting. Any idea what inspired you to become an actress?

Well, I know that I wanted to try it because my dad did, and that's about all I remember, because when I started acting, I was extremely young. So you probably would remember more than I do about why I started.

Did, did you fall in love with it?

Yes.

Yes. What do you like most about acting?

Um, getting to learn and grow with your character over the course of the time you're playing them. It's just really— I can't find the words to describe it. It's just awesome.

I wonder what you're learning from becoming a character. What do you think?

A lot of empathy.

Oh my gosh, that's an amazing—

Theater most certainly teaches empathy.

That's amazing. What is your favorite subject in school? Um, social studies, because she has an amazing teacher. Yeah, and you like learning about history?

Yes, history is extremely interesting.

Okay, what is the hardest part of school?

I feel like social situations when trying to interact with your other students in a way that is allowed and mixing personalities and overall social situations are the hardest part of school.

Do you think that social situations in general are difficult?

Oh yeah, for sure.

So do you think that COVID made it harder or do you think that social situations are just hard?

I mean, I feel like it made it harder. Yeah, COVID has certainly played a role, but I feel like it's not the only reason they're hard.

Okay, well, how did COVID make it harder?

I forgot how to socialize in the many months that we were home.

Oh, I think so many kids would say that. So how are you dealing with that?

I deal with that by trying to relearn certain things by experiencing them again. I feel like that's the best way to put it.

So how come I don't feel like I lost my social skills? What is the difference?

Because you had so much time in your life before— most of you had so much time before COVID that it— what, a few months didn't really change your life.

Well, you are the sweetest kid that I know, so thank you. If anyone can relearn how to socialize, it's you. And you know I'm here to support you through it.

You are great at support. You are very supportive, and I give you all the credit for that.

Well, maybe school needs to have more social skills groups.

Eh, I feel like it's so hard to socialize at school. It's just already so hard 'cause you can't talk in class. You can only talk at certain periods. It's just very hard to socialize in school, and I feel like that wouldn't really help.

So how do you think school could help kids relearn their social skills? What could they do?

I— maybe via guidance, maybe a meeting with guidance, I feel like.

Yeah. I mean, how do you think you can practice your social skills outside of school?

Well, extracurricular activities and go— getting out of the house outside of school. Yeah, because at school there's so many rules about socialization that I feel like school isn't really the place to learn something like that.

Um, Ella is— if you're watching this on YouTube, Ella is sporting a Whiny Palooza sweatshirt. You look so cute. All right, okay, what do you think your greatest coping skill is?

It changes, but I feel like going like this and thinking about something else really helps.

So Ella is touching her fingertips to her thumb. She's going index finger, middle finger, ring finger, pinky to her thumb. So if you're not watching this, I'm trying to describe this to you. Where did you learn that? Spanish. Oh, because we learned—

because it was a way to remember the verb conjugation endings. And it just works in distracting my mind. If I just think about "oh, ah, ah, almost, on" while doing it, I think about that instead of whatever's worrying me, and I learned that from Spanish class.

Okay, because we learned it at yoga, and the yoga teacher said to say, I think it was "peace be with you." I mean, I remember learning that at yoga as well, but I like "oh, ah, ah, almost, on" better. And what does it— it's quicker to think about and it distracts your brain.

Yes.

And calms you. Yes. What do you think the hardest thing is to cope with?

Anxiety.

Oh, honey, what do you get anxiety about? Share what you're comfortable with.

Most things.

Most things. How— why do you think you're having anxiety?

I don't know. I couldn't tell you.

You— I think you used to be more carefree.

Yeah, when I was younger.

When you were younger, you were more carefree. So was Maddie.

I feel like that's something everyone experiences. Like, you're kind of young and carefree as a child, and then you grow up and realize certain things about the world you're living in, and it just causes you more anxiety.

How do you manage your anxiety?

Distracting my brain really helps, just distracting my brain, because correcting it always just makes it worse. So I feel like distraction works best for me.

I think we all have to learn what works best for us, for sure.

Yeah.

Um, I think that for me, and you can tell me if this fits for you, but for me, my anxiety stemmed from a lack of confidence in myself. When I was your age. Do you think that relates to you?

Yes, most certainly.

So do you think if you had more confidence in yourself to handle things that you would have less anxiety?

I feel like it would, it wouldn't, it would make, it would certainly make a difference but not a monumental difference, if that makes sense.

I mean, things that I say to myself that help are things like, I can do hard things. I can handle this. Do you think that would help? Do you think that would help at all?

Kind of.

Kind of. I mean, I, I certainly don't want you experiencing anxiety every day.

Right. But I mean, distraction works best. It's just distraction.

Yeah. It's just— What, what do you think teenagers are struggling with right now?

Yeah, um, well, at the time of recording this, I'm not even a teenager yet, but I'm gonna say my two sons. And certainly COVID and certain ways the world is treating certain people are certain— are certainly causing stress.

So what would you— what advice do you have for parents for them to help their kids with these stresses?

Just listen. I feel like sometimes you shouldn't always be jumping to help. You should probably try listening first, and then if they ask for help, help them. I feel like listening, listening is the most important thing you can do as a parent.

That is such good advice, such good advice. Am I echoing at all to you when I talk? Okay, wonderful. Just checking. Okay, how do you deal with sibling conflict without rolling your eyes?

Walk away.

Walk away. Yeah, get space.

Yes.

How do your parents help you? And, and how do your parents help you with life? And how could your parents help you more?

Well, I really like it when they listen to me talk about things and when you ask me about certain things. I like it when you ask me about my day because that shows you care. And ways you can help me more is just listening. I feel like that, that's just, that's really the only advice I have and ways you can help me more.

Well, and this is really Good for me to hear because I always want to fix everything for you.

Yeah, don't, don't immediately jump to fix everything. Don't jump to fix it.

So I need to listen more, and my advice to parents is we can't jump to fix everything because then our kids don't learn how to fix things.

And certain things they might not want to fix in that moment. Okay, certain things you don't want to fix in the moment, you just want to talk about them.

Okay, can you tell me more about that so that I understand? I mean, I'm happy to listen more, I appreciate the advice, um, but what do you mean about not fixing it?

If I'm talking about like a conflict at school or something, and I most of the time that I don't want that fixed because sometimes fixing it just makes it worse, especially at school. With things at school, fixing it makes it worse. So certain things are not meant to be fixed.

Okay, so why would fixing it make it worse?

Well, I can't really give an example, and I don't really know how to explain it.

That's interesting.

It would drag it on. It would drag it on. That's how to explain it. It would just drag it on because you want to move forward. Yes.

We talked about the pandemic a little bit. What has been challenging for you with the pandemic? Because it's been a couple years.

Um, I feel like not being able— I can read people a lot less now.

Oh.

I can't really read people anymore.

Is it because of the mask?

Yeah.

Is it because of the in and out of school, like hybrid, remote.

Yes, oh my God, thank you for reminding me of that. The wave, the wave just really stresses me out. Like, I know you always say we're just gonna ride the wave of things, it just stresses me out. That whole part of the pandemic just stresses me out a lot.

Right, but my concern with that is life is not always constant. It doesn't always stay the same. I think the only thing we're guaranteed is for change.

I feel like just thinking about that.

So thinking about the going back and forth?

Yes, so that is the most stressful.

How has it been being in school all year?

I mean, knocking on wood, COVID-wise, it's stressful because nobody's taking it seriously enough.

Okay, but you I'm saying being in school and not being in school and not being remote or hybrid. Has that been better?

Yes, in a sense. Yes, I'm, uh, yeah, the answer is yes.

We talked about a little bit about advice for parents. Um, anything that you think parents need to know?

I feel like we already covered listening. I think with you, like, school, I just feel like you need to learn that you're not going to understand some things. Parents need to learn that they're not going to understand everything, and that's okay. It's okay to not understand.

That's good advice. Why do you, why do you think we need to know that?

I mean, you guys were our age a long time ago. Not, not supposed, not meant to be calling you old, but I'm just saying it's been a long time since you were our age, and the world has changed a lot. And as much as you are experiencing the world as much as we are, it's not the same to someone your age to ours. And you're just not going to understand how people our age are experiencing it rather than people your age. And you're just not going to understand that, and that's okay.

I don't think that I would have done a good job with remote school. I could be wrong.

That's interesting.

I mean, I could be wrong. Maybe I would have loved it, but I gave you so much credit for sitting there all day at a computer looking at your teachers. That was hard.

It was annoying. It wasn't hard, it was annoying.

Was it annoying because you were just sitting still staring at a screen all day?

Yes, I was destimulated, understimulated.

Ah, now you're kind of overstimulated. So how do we get in the middle, Ella? Okay, so you were sitting at your dining room table like you are now, staring at the computer all day, and you were understimulated.

Now, and now at school everyone's around me and there's so much to be thinking about, and then the teacher comes in and there's even more to think about, and it's just like, now it's over.

I feel like, yeah, we need to get—

I certainly did not miss passing time. That was a past.

I'm gonna guess that you're always worried about being late and that you're always early.

Oh yeah, 100%.

Okay, so maybe you could worry less because you know you're gonna get there on time.

Because there's 10,000 people, you don't know if you're gonna get there on time.

You don't know. Oh my gosh, so there's so many kids to get through to get to your class. Uh-huh.

I'm like Jumping through people.

Oh my gosh.

Weaving through people.

My sweet girl.

Hoping I don't drop my stuff.

Is, is everybody doing that?

Small people like myself are.

Yeah, I understand. So it's challenging not being as tall as everybody?

No, it's just challenging. It's just challenging to make it to the hallway.

Um, everybody— not everybody. I was telling my friend what I got teased about when I was your age. So we haven't talked about this, but kids will find a way, a reason to tease you.

Oh yeah, 100%.

Whether you're short or tall or whatever. Okay, um, I My issue at your age was that I was developing and the boys—

Oh yeah, you told me this.

Yes. So the boys would drive me nuts and you're— and you have a different issue.

I feel like it's not physical.

Mine isn't or yours is?

No, nowadays it isn't physical. Nobody's actually doing anything. It's very rare that someone's actually physically fighting someone.

No, but there's words that are exchanged.

There's words and social media.

Okay, so how are you handling the words that are not so nice all the time?

I just ignore them.

Okay, but does it bother you?

For like 5 seconds.

And then how do you move past it?

I forget about it.

Okay, so if somebody—

I usually am pretty able because I have so much other stuff to think about that I don't even have time to think about it. I have so much other stuff to think about.

So if somebody's being teased right now about whatever it is, what advice can you give them to handle it better? Ah, um, because, because you seem to have a thicker skin than I did at your age.

No, I just have more to think about. It's not thick skin, it's I had more to think— I have more to think about. I have 10,000 other things I can be thinking about. I don't have time to think about whatever the stupid kid in front of me in Spanish said.

Oh boy, I, I understand. So I think that the advice to your children is spend your mental energy on things that deserve it.

Other things. Yeah, they don't deserve it. You have other things to think about. They what? You have other things to think about. Go think about those.

I love you. How do you feel?

Good. You better love me.

I love you a lot.

You better love me.

How do you feel about having a bat mitzvah tomorrow? When this airs, when this airs, when this airs, it will be Tomorrow.

Right, right, right.

Um, ah, how do you feel about it?

Ah, that's the only way to describe it.

Well, how were you able to prepare for it with all of your other responsibilities?

It's— and I am very, I am very grateful that I'm not doing a lot.

What?

I'm It doesn't take me very long to practice. I just decided, okay, there are 2 days in the week where I have 3 hours of theater. I'm just gonna cut myself a break and not expect myself to practice on those days. The rest of the days I'll try my best to practice, and if I don't, I don't.

Are you excited?

Yes, nervouscited.

Nervouscited, that's our family word that we created.

No, we didn't. I think I found it on YouTube. I think someone on YouTube used it.

You don't think that our family created that?

Because I could have sworn I heard it from YouTube.

Okay, what did he say?

He said we made it up.

I think that our family made it up. Nervous plus— nervous plus excited.

Nervous.

Nervous-cited. What is important to you about having a bat mitzvah?

I will finally be officially— sorry, I'm trying to think.

Take your time.

Well, I feel like it's that I will— well, about mitzvot means that I'm responsible for my own mitzvot, and I just feel like it's acknowledging my responsibilities, and I'm finally proving to myself that I can do things like this.

I love that you're proving to yourself that you can do it. I think every time—

it's more proving it to myself than to the Jewish community. It's more proving stuff to myself.

I think that's wonderful, and I think I was talking to Max about that in the car. Every time we tackle something, it improves our confidence and we grow as a person.

Exactly, exactly.

What is something other than your bat mitzvah that you are looking forward to?

Wizard of Oz.

Okay, what about after Wizard of Oz?

Uh, May Showcase.

Maybe a vacation.

Are we on a vacation?

I hope so. I hope—

well, you should probably plan it. It's coming up.

I should probably get on that.

I'm not a—

I'm not a very good travel agent.

No, you are not. You are good at a lot of other things.

Why do you say that? I agree with you, but why do you say that?

I don't remember the last time we planned vacation. I know you planned Disney and Universal, but like, I don't remember when you were planning that.

You know how you said you're out of practice with social skills? I'm out of practice with planning vacations because COVID made us not want to go anywhere.

Yeah.

Um, what is your dream?

To be on Broadway.

Well, you're saying it like everybody listening knows that. I'm sure that there's going to be listeners that do not know that your dream is to be on Broadway.

Well, that's— well, I feel like Broadway is too specific. I want to perform professionally and get paid to perform professionally. Broadway is the ultimate goal, but if I end up doing something else, I will not— something else with musical theater, I will not be surprised. The goal is live theater professionally. The dream is Broadway. The goal is live theater professionally. The ultimate dream is Broadway.

Awesome. How do you think you're going to— what, like, what are you doing to achieve that? What is the plan?

Every single Broadway actor that I have talked about has said that training is the most important thing, so I'm going to keep training until I get there. Awesome.

Your determination and talent will get you there, right? I hope that, I hope that all your dreams come true. I really, really do. Even though I don't want you to move to New York City, I will still support it. I will still support your dream. What do you think that I do right as your mother?

You're a really good cheerleader. You're really good at cheering us on and supporting. You're very good at supporting us.

Okay, so what—

and I'm sure you're, you're awesome at supporting your friend. You are your friend. You are just a very supportive person.

Oh, what do you think that your dad is doing right?

Let me think for a second because so much he's doing so much right. You both are doing so much right. He's very good at making you feel certain emotions. He's very good at making me feel better.

Oh, he, he really is. Why do you think that is?

I don't know. Hmm. It's just your two personalities.

What do you think that mom and dad could work on?

What could you work on? Understanding that you're not always going to understand. I feel like that is the first thing that comes to my head.

So Ella, I think that what I'm learning from you today is that I can be supportive even if I don't understand.

Yes.

Which I don't think I knew.

Everyone can support everyone. Everyone's capable of supporting every single person in their life. You just have to accept that you're not going to understand their perspective.

Well, I can try to get in your shoes, but I don't always succeed.

Exactly. I feel like everyone in society needs to get better at accepting that you are not always going to understand and just accepting that. It's not just parents.

You're right. I think, I think you're a really smart kid. Thank you. What do you think you are doing right?

Uh, well, my grades. Um, I'm sure I'm doing something right at school.

Your grades are awesome.

Oh, I have an amazing memory.

You have an amazing memory. What it— what about your, like, Qualities. Qualities. Yeah.

Um, like if I asked you, I'm very empathetic.

Yes, yes. What do you think that you could work on?

Enjoying life, enjoying stuff, not just trying to get through the day but actually trying to enjoy it.

Ah, I love that. So you're not really being present, you're just kind of rushing it.

I'm There's— it is very rare that I am present at school.

So how can we get you more present and enjoying life?

I don't know.

I think you and I can work on that. Um, you know, you know, I get the luxury of interviewing therapists every week. You know that, yes, right? You know that I'm, I'm in— I'm talking to— and I have psychology Well, I have a social work master's degree. I have a psychology undergraduate degree and a social work master's degree. So what I have learned from all these therapists that I've talked to is part of how we can be more present is to start thinking about our body, like our feet touching the floor.

Oh my God, that's why I'm more present at theater than at school. I'm thinking about my body more.

Oh, okay, so we need to transfer those skills to the classroom because I think—

really good at that theater.

Okay, well, we're going to transfer those skills. Do you know that if we have a skill in one area of our life, we can work on generalizing that to another area of our life?

Right, so it's just hard because working on that mental health is hard. It's hard.

It is. Why is it hard?

It's just, it's just a lot of work and it's very draining. So that's why I always, something about me is I always like to shy away from doing that when I really shouldn't because it's hard and draining.

I know. I mean, I think that we can do hard things.

Right. It's just, it's just very draining and makes me not want to do it.

The other thing that I have learned is that just because something is hard the first couple times, the more that I do it, the easier that it gets. Right? So like my, so like one of the changes in me, which you can relate to, you know me, I'm always rushing in the car, which isn't good. So one of the things that I have started doing is at red lights, taking deep breaths to slow myself down.

That's a good idea.

So like, I think you and I could talk about things within your body that we can do to make us both be more present in our days. Like when I'm walking Tanner and I'm like looking at the clock and I'm like, okay, I have 30 minutes until I have to get Max, I will say, okay, stop, look at the trees, look at the birds, take a deep breath, be present with Tanner.

Don't look away because you want to focus on the road.

Well, no, I'm walking with Tanner.

Oh, oh, oh, I thought we were still talking about this. I'm sorry.

No, no, I'm talking about like, I'm giving you an example. I'm walking with the dog, I look at the clock, I see that I have 30 minutes until I have to get Max, so I start rushing. And then I'm like, no, Be present. Enjoy this walk. Enjoy the scenery. Take some deep breaths. Slow yourself down. So I'm having similar struggles as you. You just don't know it.

Oh, okay. So like at school, I'm really just in the hallways rushing to get something done.

I think, I think that you and I are a lot alike, and I think we both rush too much, and I think we both need to slow ourselves down.

Well, I do spend a lot of time with you, so it makes sense.

Yeah, some of it's learned and some of it is innate, right? You did rush your way into the world. Okay, um, we, um, Ella and I joke around about the fact that she was almost 6 weeks early when she was born. And I— and she was even rushing back then, wanting to get to Earth. She told me that she couldn't wait to come and was even rushing back then. She's like, oh my God, how many times in my lifetime am I going to hear this story? So Ella, is there anything else that you want to share that we didn't talk about today?

Um, just that I have nothing but respect for good parents because it is so hard to be a good parent and it is so easy to mess up. And the— and you're gonna mess up, but I feel like it's so easy to tragically mess up and it's just not easy. And you're doing great to all the parents listening. I appreciate you because what you're doing is not easy.

When we were in the kitchen yesterday, you said to me, parenting isn't easy. You're doing, you're doing a good job. You're, you're working really hard and you're doing a good job. Why do you think that?

Well, obvious— well, wait, I'm sorry, you're asking why I think you're doing a good job as a parent? Right.

You noticed that yesterday. Yesterday you said parenting is really hard and you're doing a good job. So I'm wondering what made you think that at that moment when you said that.

Well, at the moment I was realizing about how bad certain people have it, and I was realizing how good I truly have it and how awesome my parents are doing. And then I thought about how easy it is to to mess up and end up messing up your child. And how it's, it's just— and you're just doing a really good job at not doing that.

I hope so. I think it's really, um, remarkable that you can see that parenting isn't easy, and I can see that being a kid isn't easy.

It's just empathy.

Empathy. You're really good at empathy.

You That stems from acting.

You have an amazing heart, Ella. You have an amazing brain, an amazing heart.

Thank you.

I am so thankful for you. I can't even express to you how thankful I am for you. Um, we had Max, and Daddy and I were like dreaming up our little girl, and I feel like we dreamt you up and made our dream come true. Do you know that? Well, I, I don't know that this was something that you were excited to do, so I appreciate you taking time out of your day to do this with me.

Of course.

So when this airs, you will have turned 13 and will be about to have your bat mitzvah, and I can't tell you how excited I am.

Thank you.

I am so excited for you to have your bat mitzvah, and I'm so excited to see you as the wicked witch. So let us all be healthy and enjoy these mitzvahs, and thank you so much for being on today, honey.

Of course.

This is Rebecca Green reminding everybody to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, Please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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