The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 025 Raising a Tween

No need to whine, it's whiny palooza. Have some wine and join us on the whiny palooza podcast with Rebecca Green. Welcome to the whiny palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family. Happy Whiny Palooza Wednesday.

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza Wednesday. Have some wine and join us on the Winey Blues on Wednesday with the Green Family. Cha-cha-chicken! Happy birthday to me!

It is a very special day. We are wrapping up Ella's 12th birthday with my live vlog. Is this a good way to end your birthday? Yeah. Did you have a good birthday?

I had the best birthday.

We're going to talk about your birthday real quick. Is that okay?

Of course.

Um, we started with a scavenger hunt and my kids— I— oh no, no, no, no, no, we're not there yet. Do not show that yet. Spoiler alert. We have a tradition in my house that I make scavenger hunts for my kids to find their presents. So Ella had 12 clues and found— she's 12 because she's 12 and she ran around the house and found a big stack of presents that we're going to talk about. And she asked for pancakes, so I made her pancakes. And she asked for Starbucks, so I got her Starbucks. And she asked for lunch. She asked for Chick-fil-A, so I went and got Chick-fil-A.

She's the best mom in the whole wide world.

Unfortunately, the closest Chick-fil-A is not the closest. But anyways, what I wanted to tell you was the nice girl who took my order. I was like, my daughter doesn't like pickles on her sandwich. And my son just wants this and this. And I'm giving her all these directions. And she's like, you are the best mom. Yeah. And this straight— this like stranger who doesn't know me said this to me and just like brightened my day. I was rushing around.

And you are the best Mom.

Thanks, babe. So it just like made me take a nice deep breath and slow down and remind me that saying something sweet to a stranger can just make someone's day. So I got you Chick-fil-A, I ran home, and then we went bowling with a few of your friends, which is wonderful. One year ago, we rented a limo and took Ella and her friends to Chick-fil-A and Starbucks. Surprise!

I got a I'm so shocked.

And we went to the mall and we had the best time. And then everything shut down. So Ella really lucked out that stuff is open. And everyone wore masks, but we did go bowling. And then we came home and had dinner and cake. And now we're wrapping up her birthday.

What did you get for dinner? And where did your cake come from?

I got her— she asked for Zoe's for dinner. She loves their French toast. And she asked for lemon cheesecake from Genevieve's Cheesecake Place. So we recommend all of this stuff that we're talking about, but we really want to tell you about something very special. So Ella is very into Squishmallows, and if you don't know what they are, they are a squishy stuffed animal. I should have brought one downstairs to show you. They are so cute and so hard to find right now. And so I went on a hunt around town looking for Squishmallows for Ella's birthday and only found one. I did order one that will hopefully be here soon. And, um, in all of my posting asking friends to help me, we have special friends that helped us. And I'll show them what I special ordered. So Ella really wanted Archie the Squishmallow. This is Archie. And my friend Lauren messaged me and said that her daughter Marlo makes them. She crocheted this. I don't know if you can see this. You can't really see this very well.

I can see it.

It is gorgeous. She did an amazing job. We cannot recommend her enough. Marlo, if you're watching— I don't know if you're watching, but Lily wants a cow, a brown and white cow. So another order is definitely coming from us, and probably many more. And she is being seen all over Instagram and is already getting a bunch of orders. But you can go find Marlo at Crochet by Mar— Crochet by Marls. I didn't say that very well. C-R-O-C-H-E-T-B-Y-M-A-R-L-S. Crochet by Marls. Go find her on Instagram and order some awesome stuff from her. We are so impressed by her. Blows me away with her talents. And like I said, Marla, we have more orders coming your way. So thank you for making Ella's birthday so special and for making her something so original and unique and you can't find Archie anywhere. So that was her special surprise and you loved it. Yes. So we're doing something new tonight. We are going to start repurposing the vlog. So if you are listening to this on my Wednesday podcast, the Wednesday vlog is now going to be a Wednesday podcast the following week.

An audio podcast.

An audio podcast.

So if you can't watch the video, you can listen.

If you're more of a podcast person and you just happen to be listening to me, this is going to be available to you on my podcast on Wednesdays. So there will be a Wednesday podcast and there will be a Friday podcast that I have been doing with interviewing guests. So let's move on to my topic. Sorry for the long rant about Ella's fabulous day, but I'm so glad that you had a good birthday.

Yeah, and I'm very thankful I'm very thankful for you and I'm very thankful for Daddy for making today so special and being the best parents for 12 years.

Oh, gonna make me cry. Let's talk about raising a tween. That's the topic for today, inspired by Ella. Seth, do you want to try to squeeze in here and talk with me?

Sure.

Ella, you don't have to leave, baby. Why don't you sit on Daddy? So, oh boy. So we're going to start with What are we doing right? And the reason we're starting with that is because I did interview, interview in quotes, Max and Ella before I started this blog. I did write a blog on this that is available today. And I said, tell me what Daddy and I are doing right. And Max said, you guys are just always there for me, which makes me so happy that he feels that way. With whatever he's going through, we're really making a point to be there for him and tell him that we're there for him. And it doesn't matter what time of day, he does come and find us when he is ready to talk about something. So that was Max's feedback. Ella's feedback was that she loves when we give her hugs. She feels— she told me that she feels very cared about, and she loves when we give her hugs, and she loves all the words of affirmation. And what I mean by words of affirmation is telling you that we love you, telling you how awesome you are, telling you how proud how proud we are of you. And she said she loves the notes that I leave in her lunch. So all the little things add up to something big, right? Yeah. So that was— so that was your feedback to me. So I'm happy to hear that Seth and I are doing some stuff right. You're doing a lot right.

Marlo's mom says thanks for the shout out, heart, heart, heart.

Aww. You're doing a lot right. Our pleasure, Lauren and Marlo. We love what Marlo does. She's a talented young lady. Are excited to see what else she comes up with. She's making bracelets, she's making rings, she's crocheting plushies. She is on a roll, on an awesome roll. So let's talk about an open door policy. I am really trying to— and Seth, jump in and interrupt me and I will try my best to include you. We are really focusing on an open door policy, open communication with our kids, and we keep emphasizing that we are open to any sort of conversations, no matter what the topic is. They can always come to us. It doesn't matter what time it is. It doesn't matter where we are. Um, they love to talk to us in the car. And I have told them that I have talked about so many quote unquote uncomfortable topics that nothing is really uncomfortable at this point.

And that was in your career as a social worker?

Yes. I mean, you're talking about, uh, drugs, abortion, sex.

Don't do any of those things.

Um, all of those things. I mean, I've had conversations about so many things. Divorce. It just kind of has opened me up to being comfortable with uncomfortable topics. Does that make sense, Ella?

Yes.

Yes. So I am just trying to encourage my kids that they can really talk to us about anything. It doesn't mean that— a lot of times they don't want to talk to us. They're 12 and 14 and they need a lot of space and they don't always want want to talk to us, but you never know. And sometimes they do come knocking. So that's number one. And I also find that if we really listen to small things and we listen to what they're telling us, that sometimes the conversation leads to something bigger. And they also see that we're going to listen and be there for them for the small things. So they know that we will listen to the big thing. If that makes sense. Seth, you're nodding in agreement.

Absolutely. Sorry, I am not not paying attention. I am monitoring Facebook comments.

Okay, thank you, honey.

You're welcome.

I know you're busy. I know you're busy back there. I want to talk about friends. Friends get so much more complicated in middle school, so much more complicated as a 12-year-old. I don't miss that stage at all.

Sorry, Ella, but you just don't miss being 12.

I don't miss being 12. That is what I am saying. People say to me that they want to go back to the school years and I look at them and I am like, no, not me. No, no, no. I do not feel that way. I think about friends as a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Is this friend in my life for a reason? Is this friend in my life for a season? Or is this a friend who is going to stick around for a lifetime? There are all different different types of friends, and especially when you're 12. When you're 12, you don't— you're finding your friends and things are changing. And I understand that everyone has different interests, everyone's finding their way. People tend to gravitate towards friends who are interested in the same things as them. So it's just an kind of an awkward stage for friendship is what I'm seeing and what I'm remembering. Seth, do you remember this?

Oh, all too well, yes.

And you agree? Yes. So I guess as a parent, I'm really trying to encourage good friendships. And what that means is that our friends— our children's friends' behavior is one of the biggest predictors of our kids' behaviors. So if I see that a friend is getting involved in bad things, or they maybe don't behave the best way, then that's not really a friendship that I should encourage. So I encourage friends who are into pro-social activities like sports, theater, music, kids who are doing good things, kids who are behaving, kids who are lifting my children up.

We talk about that in business all the time. I've been taught for years that you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. So you want to hang out with people who are even more successful than you so you get lifted up by the average. And just like it's the same with kids, whoever they're going to spend the most time with is who they're going to reflect. And you always want to be in a group that is inspiring you and lifting you up as opposed to pulling you down into doing, as Rebecca said, technically bad things.

Yeah. And bad things is a multitude of things. Yes. So we could list what that is.

Yes.

But you have a greater influence over who your kids hang out with than you think you do. I make suggestions all the time, like, why don't you call so-and-so? Why Don't you have so-and-so over? Things like that. Let's move on to emotions, hormones, and a changing body. I don't wanna— I see the look on your face. Ella is like— Ella just left. She just took off and said—

That was enough for her.

Ella bella boo. I was not going to embarrass her. I was just going to talk about the stage of hormones.

You think it's not embarrassing. Doesn't mean she doesn't think it's embarrassing.

Well, she's gone, so she doesn't like this topic.

Well, now you can embarrass her because she's not here.

Ella, maybe you can come back for Be True to You. Why don't you listen from afar? Bye! So emotions. Emotions are all over the place. I will find Ella crying and she will say, "I don't know why I'm crying." I don't know. I can't tell you. I'm just crying. I'm just emotional. And the other word that we could use and plug in and teach her is hormonal. And sometimes my mother, sometimes I'll say to my mom, like, Ella's kind of cranky today. And she'll be like, oh, that poor girl and her hormones. And I'm like, oh, I keep forgetting. I keep forgetting how old she is. And that it's like that time. And I have, I am very, very open with my girls because I want them to know what to expect. So I talk to them about my period. I talk to them about how long it is. I talk to them—

all of us loudly about your period. Rebecca Cronin says hi.

Hi, hi, Rebecca. I don't call her Rebecca Cronin. I said, oh, you said Becca. Okay, so I have prepared my girls about what's coming, especially, especially for Ella. I was 13 and she's 12, so It could happen any day. In fact, one of the things that I have to talk to her about is I don't have anything in her bag. She doesn't have any pads or anything. Like, if it happens at school, I want her to know that there's something in her backpack and she can go to the bathroom. And I have to teach her, like, how to put it in her underwear. Like, there's so many things that I still have to talk to her about.

I'm a dumb guy, but then she probably needs an an extra pair of underwear too.

Oh yeah, right.

Because if you weren't prepared and it showed up—

yeah, yeah, my— I think mine showed up at school. That's why I said at school.

You would— I'm not— I know nothing about this topic.

No, I did not know you in 8th grade, that's for sure. Nope. So their bodies are changing, they're hormonal, and I think that the greatest thing that we can do as their parents is to tell them what to expect what is coming. I don't want them to be shocked when, you know, like something like this happens at school or, you know, I want them, you know, their body is changing. They're going to want to shave their legs eventually. And what are you laughing at back there?

Becca Cronin says, I can relate to this topic. And she's got like a confused puzzle emoji. That's the right emoji.

Well, and I think that one of the things that I need to talk to Ella about more that I don't don't talk to her about is that this is all normal. It is all developmentally appropriate, developmentally normal. This is what girls go through. It is what boys go through. Thankfully, Seth handles—

We don't go through some of that.

No, but you go through other things. You go through a lot of things and I want to take a moment to say a huge thank you to my husband because Seth has been handling all of Max's questions for the last several years and as much as I want to be there for my son, I do not want you to be there for him on this topic. Okay, first of all, he doesn't want me, which is— I'm good with that. First of all, Max doesn't want me. Second of all, I am not the pro on this topic. I haven't even done— listen, if you're a single mother, I'm, I'm blessing you and giving you strength. And if I was a single mother, which thankfully I'm not, I would be doing a ton of reading and researching so that I would know what to tell my son, because honestly, I really I only know a little bit and am glad that he has Seth to talk to.

Erin Mitchell says hi.

Hi, Erin. So moving on from the embarrassing topic that my daughter ran away from. Be true to you. That is something that I am trying so hard to embed into my children to be confident in who they are and their, their true authentic self. What, what do they want to be? What do they want to do? What makes them comfortable? What doesn't make them comfortable? Not letting friends push them into doing something that they don't want to do. Feeling confident in the person that they are. You know, I hear so many comments about feeling different, feeling, um, not confident in their skin, not comfortable in their skin. I'm trying to think of the words that I'm looking for, but I tell my children, you know, for Ella, for example, who is the tween, that she's Ella and that makes her special. Just being who she is, just the fact that she was created to be Ella Rae Green and she doesn't have to be like anyone else. And being different and being her and liking what she likes is what works for her. And she doesn't really have to answer to anyone else. Is she doing things that are appropriate? Yes. Is she, you know, doing bad things? No. As long as she's being safe and she's not doing drugs or alcohol or anything else bad, I mean, I want her to be her true self. And Ella loves to act and she loves to pretend and she loves to sing and she loves to dance. To be herself. And I know that there are so many times that I hear her questioning herself to me, and if I can do anything, I hope that I can help her feel more comfortable in her own skin. And I have talked to her about the fact that the truer she is to herself and the more that she allows herself to just be who she wants to be, the less the less anxious that we feel and the less stress that we feel and the happier that we feel. You're nodding, so you agree.

Yes, I agree. I wish I had felt more comfortable in my own skin at her age. I think everybody does. So any help we can— we are, I think, certainly more conscious of it now than my parents certainly were and yours were, I'm assuming. So I would hope each generation gets better. Margaret Paulzak says hi, and Margarita Elboris, if I'm pronouncing that correctly, says hi.

Huh, do I know— wait, I wonder if you're not pronouncing the last name.

I may not be.

Okay, well, hi, Mrs. Paulzak. Mrs. Paulzak is in the middle school teaching middle school kids, and my heart goes out to all those teachers. They are in the thick of children feeling uncomfortable. It is like the awkward stage of life. Do any of you remember loving middle school or loving being 12? I did not like being 12. I did not like middle school. And I just feel like it's this awkward stage of trying to find friends and trying to find who you are. And I see Ella going through it. I, like, I lived it. I know what she's going through. So the more we can, like, share these stories with our kids, the more normal they can feel. And they can also find amazing teachers at school and counselors and other people, because I think one of the things that helped me was my 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Mestriner, who I'm actually friends with on Facebook, which is amazing to me because she, like, is one of my all-time favorite teachers. And just being able to see her and being in her class was so helpful to me. So teachers are definitely making a difference. I'm 44 and I'm still talking about my 6th grade teacher.

I remember Mr. Verity used to give us gumballs if you did stuff right.

I love it. That is something that Max would say.

Yeah.

He would say, you know, I get popcorn. Yeah. So let's move on to being calm and casual, which which sounds so natural, but is so hard. And Seth is— Seth has an acting degree. Seth has an acting degree from Syracuse and is a really good actor. This is where Ella gets it from. And if he is feeling frantic, anxious, upset when his kids are talking to him about something really intense or emotional, He does a really good job. I don't know if you're pretending, acting, or really that calm and cool.

Depends on what we're talking about. I'll give you a, it depends.

So I have learned a lot about acting in these last 14 years of parenting because I can't be completely reactive like I might want to be. I can't freak out because they shut down. And I'm not going to tell you that I don't do that because Seth knows that I do that. And you can see my kids completely shut down if I get reactive. So if I can keep myself calm, if I can be casual about the conversation, then the conversation goes so much further than if I get upset or intense. Are you— you're agreeing with me?

Yes. Joette Sharky says hi.

Hi, Joette.

Kazuko says mine is only 10.

That's Kate.

Okay, just— mine is only 10, but I've shown her how to apply a pad, have her carry one in her extra. Undies are a great idea.

You're so much— you're ahead of me, Kate. I have to get on that. I will go have that conversation after this vlog. So I was gonna be like, okay, how about not on her birthday? Yeah, I'll do it, I'll do it tomorrow. I'll put it on the list for tomorrow.

Uh, and Susan Geidinger says hi.

Okay, I think Seth is—

Susan Mathis.

I think Seth is butchering names.

I apologize.

I will check when I—

Rebecca knows who you are.

I will check when I'm done. So I think of myself as— Seth and I are like the guardians parents who were granted these 3 children. We were like blessed with these 3 kids and we were blessed with them to do the best that we can and to guide them through life. And I am just thinking of myself as the guardian who is trying to guide them in the right direction and help keep them safe and help make them feel more secure. And I think giving myself that, that title.

Yeah, I like that. That makes me think about it kind of differently.

Yes, it kind of helps. It just kind of helps me know what I'm here for, for them. And we've been through it. We've, we've all been through all of these stages and we know how hard they are. And I think if I could tell you anything, it is to always try to put yourself in their shoes, whether it's, you know, a marital conflict with your husband or a situation with your child. Try to remember being 12. Try to remember what it was like. And how difficult it may have felt for you. If 12 was easy for you, I'm gonna give you— yeah, I'm gonna give you a huge round of applause because 12 was not easy for me, and I do remember being uncomfortable, and I'm just happy that Seth and I can be here for our kids through all of the stages. I remember that 12 was tough for Max. I remember him grunting a lot at me. Like, it was like I couldn't really get him to say a sentence. It would be like, eh. And now I think he talks more. I don't know if you agree, but I think at 14 he talks more than when he was 12.

It depends on the situation. So yes, yes, yes, maybe.

Okay, well, um, I just, I want you to know that the purpose this, but why I set out to do Winey Palooza is because I wanted all of the parents to know that they are not alone in what they are going through. We are all going through it together. You may think that one family looks greener, happier, rosier on the other side, but we're all going through the same stuff and we can go through it together. And hopefully we said something that can maybe help you or your child. And I am always open to topic requests. I love topic requests, and I'm loving providing my podcast for you too. And I believe this Friday is my book club, which was so fun. One of, um, Jamie picked Shalom in the Home, which was an excellent book. I strongly recommend it. Excellent parenting advice. So we talked about the stuff that we learned from the book. So I hope you will listen. And if you want to be on my podcast or know someone someone who would like to be, please let me know. So thank you, everyone. Thanks for watching. And Ella Bella, are you going to close out your birthday?

Coming!

Closing out Ella's 12th birthday. Sorry I made you uncomfortable. It's fine.

Thank you for watching Winey Foods on Wednesday with the Green Family.

Cha-cha-chicken!

Yeah, happy birthday.

Thank you.