The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 054 Father’s Day Special

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone. This is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast, and I am very excited to have my favorite guest on today. Hello, honey. I have— sweetheart, I should say your name— Seth Green is here.

Yes, your wonderful husband.

My wonderful husband is here for our Father's Day special, and I'm going to tell you a little bit about Seth before I jump into my questions. Um, Seth is a very, very busy man. He has multiple businesses. He runs, uh, Silver Spoon Financial, and for those of you listening, he does a fantastic job helping parents to afford college. Um, so you all have children who want to go to college, so talking to him would be super beneficial. He also has a marketing business, Market Domination, a publishing business, BMD Publishing. Am I covering it all?

You're doing a pretty good job.

Um, he is fantastic, the best multitasker. I guess multitasking isn't great, Seth, but you're good at it.

One thing at a time. I just do a lot of things.

You do a lot of things, and Seth has 3 children with me who he makes a ton of time for, so we're going to talk about that too. Um, I did do a Mother's Day special with my mom, so you might be looking for my dad. And the reason why I bring this up is because my dad was not comfortable being on a podcast, and as I ask people in my life to be on my podcast, I'm finding that some people are like, yes, let's do do it. And some people are like, I am not comfortable. So, the reason I am bringing this up is if you want to be on my podcast, reach out to me. I may not have asked you because I don't think that you want to. And if I do ask you, I would love for you to say yes, but do not hesitate to tell me if you are not comfortable because I realize this isn't for everyone. But I want to thank you, Seth, because my birthday is coming up and we recorded my first podcast on my birthday last year.

Oh my God, I didn't know that. I hadn't looked. You looked back? That is awesome. Well, happy almost birthday.

Well, we didn't, we didn't start, we didn't start airing them. Yes, but we recorded my first one with my book club on my birthday. So thank you.

That's awesome. It's been 12 months.

It's been a long time.

Congratulations.

You pushed me to do this and I did not see it. You saw it, and I love it so much, and I am so thankful that you pushed me on this adventure. So thank you.

And you recorded that, so I have proof that you said that. That is awesome.

I really do love it, and I think you can tell that I love it. Yes, yes. So this is my Father's Day special with my husband, who is the best father. I'm gonna cry. You're the best father I could have picked for our children.

Oh wow, thank you, honey. You're gonna make me cry.

Yeah, I'm, I'm definitely tearing up. So I'm gonna start with, why did you want to become a father?

Wow, where there's no, no lead-in, we're just, you know, um, jumping in right off the deep end. Why did I want to become a father? There's so many answers to that question. I would say I wanted to raise children. I wanted to lead my children. I wanted to teach them things I wish I had known. I would want— you know, when you're growing up, no matter how wonderful your parents are, I'm sure our kids would say the same thing. There's always things that they wish their parents had done or not done differently. So I wanted to parent the way I wish I had been parented, which you taught me as a therapist. How would you— you know, with our kids, you say, how would you have wanted to be parented in that situation? I'm usually not doing it when we're having— when you're bringing that up. I, I think those are all probably factors. I'm sure there are more if I took more time to think about it. I've joked with you that, um, in my dating life before you, um, well before you, I had dated a number of girls who I thought ignorantly had daddy issues. And I said, one day I'm gonna raise a daughter where the only issue she will ever have with me is finding a guy who measures up. That was my goal. I think if you ask Elder Lily, I'm doing a pretty good job at that one. Hopefully that answers part of your question.

It's a great answer. It's a lot of great answers to the question. See, I'm going to learn a lot about you. That's selfishly— some of these questions are for me to learn about you.

I'm sure others will learn as well.

What do you like best about being a dad?

I did not know how much love I had to give. I think at various points of our life you have shown me, and this is in our wedding, the wedding vows I wrote to you, you have shown me that my capacity for love is infinite and just keeps growing. When I met you, I thought I knew what love was, and then you came into my life and took it to a whole nother level I never could have imagined. And then I thought this was as good as it got, and then we had kids And I realized it just kept getting better and my capacity to give love just kept growing. And so I enjoy that immensely. Obviously, there's some love we get back. There's— if we look at the Tony Robbins 6 human needs, they give us— all right, so this is about me. So they give me significance, they give me variety for sure, they give me certainty, they give me growth, they give me contribution, they give me love. They meet all 6 needs at a super high level.

Aww. Well, and selfishly, I hope that you love me more because I, um—

Yes, yes, made them with me. Yes. And you're— not only did you give birth to them, but you were also in the parenting with me every single day.

Very true, very true.

Yes, and you do more of the heavy lifting than I do.

I couldn't do it without you, as you saw proof of today.

Amen to that. That's a whole other episode.

What is the most challenging part about being a dad?

I would say realizing that whatever unresourceful state they might be in at a particular point in time, or that you or I might be— that I might be in, they're doing whatever they're doing for a reason. They're doing the best they can with what they have. It might not— they might not measure up to our standards of how they should act in that situation. They might not be treating us or each other the way we think they should, right?

Right.

Try, try. The most challenging part is remember, is not getting so obsessed with this is how I think you should act and you're not doing that, so I'm angry. And trying to stay resourceful enough to help them through to the other side of whatever negative emotion they're experiencing.

And not following them.

Right. And not going down with them, but being able to stay up here and get them to come up with you.

I've been working on that a lot this year.

Yep.

Yeah, I have. I've made progress, and I think you have too. What did you learn from your dad, um, about being a dad?

You got to show up. You got to be there. Yeah, there's not necessarily quality— quality time is like this myth. There's time, and you just got to put it in. It isn't, I can't squeeze it in in 7 minutes and then poof, I'm covered. You just got to do it. I think being a really good listener Being patient, not being judgmental. I think those, um, expressing how you feel, making sure the kids feel safe, making sure they feel loved. That would be the start of my list.

Awesome list. Awesome list. What is most important for you to teach to your children?

I think we just covered it. I think that's the list. I think that, you know what, I think the most important thing is they're enough. They're good enough. It doesn't matter if you forget your lines on stage. It doesn't matter if you let the penalty— the shot go in, or you forget your dance step, or whatever. You gotta bet you don't get the grade you thought you should have at school. Like, you're enough. We love you no matter what. It's not based on your accomplishments. It's not based— it's on who you are, not what you're doing.

Oh yeah, love it. We need to tell them that after we're done recording. Because that's beautiful. What was one of your hardest parenting moments and how did you get through it?

One, one, something.

Does anything stand out in your head?

We, we've had a number of challenges. I mean, how far back do you want to go? Um, two of their births were not what we expected. Um, and technically that's parenting, right?

So I won't go back to hardest challenging You can totally use that if that's what sticks out in your head.

I mean, thankfully, I think those were— I think those are more challenging marital moments because I wasn't parenting yet because they weren't out into the world and interacting yet. So let's label those marital moments. Then if I've got to find parenting ones, I don't know if there's a most challenging one. There could be, I mean, there have been, there were times when many years ago when, you know, I'm not proud of myself when I was the coach of the soccer team and Max, my goalie, didn't want to play. And I got in a fight with him and was literally trying to physically drag him out of the house at the top of the stairs. And you were freaking out going, oh my God, you're going to, he's going to fall down the stairs and hurt himself. Just, it's okay. It's not that big a deal. I thankfully haven't had a trying to drag her out of the house moment with Ellen. I've had that with Lily.

Yeah.

I think those are some of the— when they're not doing what we think they should at an intense level. And one person is more guilty of escalating this than others. And I think those— get through it. I don't always get through it the way I would like to looking back. I'm working on that every single day. I think that it's important to try and stay calm, try and stay patient, go count to 10, do something to change your state. Even if you're going to be late somewhere, it's more important that you arrive safely because you shouldn't drive when you're that upset. Hopefully there's an answer in there somewhere.

Well, and I think that the two of us do a good job of looking at each other and saying like, you need a timeout, or you need to, you need to go. Like you're not, you're not doing well right now. Just go, go breathe, go away for a little while.

Yes.

If you could go back to the beginning, what would you change about your parenting?

Every time I didn't do it the way I wanted, right? I would have made myself more patient, more tolerant, more flexible, let lower my standards.

Well, this goes along the same lines.

Okay.

So let's go back to when I was pregnant with Max. Our first child, what would you tell yourself then?

It's gonna be okay. She will— the two of them will survive the birth that's about to happen. They will end up healthy and happy and fine. You're going to be okay. You're gonna do a great job as being a dad. You're gonna enjoy it. You were made for this. You are enough.

Mm, I love it. Very, very good advice. If only we could have talked to ourselves that day, right?

Well, that day the most important thing for me to tell myself was the two of you were gonna be okay.

The two of us?

Yes.

That me and Max, or you and me?

No, you and Max.

Oh, oh, you're saying because that was the biggest stress of the birth.

Birth story. It wasn't, uh, worried about being a father that 24 hours. It was, you know, worrying, you know, that you and Max were going to be alive and healthy and well.

I know it would have been nice if they would have just paused and spoken to you for 2 seconds, but they seemed to be way too—

you were kind of an emergency. It's all good.

They were focused on getting him out, so, and keeping you both healthy. Yes, well, they did a good job.

They did. We're here to talk about it.

We're here to talk about it. If only I— if you are listening, okay, let's pause for a moment. If you— I want you all to just kind of let go of your story in your head that you're creating if you haven't given birth yet, because I had a story in my head about how it was going to go, and it didn't go at all like I had envisioned. And then I went down into Um, oh my gosh, what is it called?

Negative spiral.

Postpartum. I don't know if it was postpartum depression, but could have been for sure.

Yeah, you certainly had some.

And I think it had a lot to do with me being so attached to the story that I had about how the birth was supposed to look, and it turned into, um, 25 hours of labor, 3 hours of pushing and an emergency C-section.

Yes. And you, I mean, and you beat yourself up so much and gave yourself so much guilt that it, like, you labeled, you said, oh, I'm a failure. I failed. I didn't do what I was supposed to do. And you made yourself very upset about that many, many, many times. And all my cheerleading didn't do you any good. You had to come out of that on your own. It was realize all that mattered was the end result that you have 3 wonderful, healthy children. Doesn't matter how they got here.

It's so true. Um, at the time, you know, they gave me the mirror and I could see Max's head. So it was so frustrating that he— that I couldn't push him out. He was very wedged in, um, and they just could not get him out. And I was so focused on the fact that I didn't push him out. And it took me how many years, Seth? How many years? 10? 10 years. I'm just throwing that out there. It might have been 12. It took me so much time to wrap my mind around the fact that all that matters is that you get a healthy baby and a healthy mother, and it doesn't matter how it happens, and that I am enough, and it— the performance of the labor is not the important part. And so I just wanted to pause and tell you, if I can help anyone let go of that or go into your birth without a story. Like, have an idea of what you want, but realize that we have to be flexible.

No expectations. It's not up to you.

It's—

sometimes God rips up your typed birth plan.

It's so funny because I listen to these mothers who are pregnant, and one, one person said, what is your birth plan? And she said, I don't have a birth plan. It's gonna go how it's gonna go. And I said, yes! How come no one told me that?

Right? That would have been good advice to give you back on your Mother's Day special.

Okay, so on our Father's Day special, I— that, that is our advice to you. Just roll with it and know that all that matters is that you both come out healthy.

Yep. There is no birth plan.

Oh my goodness. What is your most important advice that you want to tell your children right now?

You are enough.

You are enough. That seems to be our motto lately. It does, doesn't it? That was my June challenge. If you are not part of my Whiny Palooza Mom group on Facebook, go join. Join us. It's a supportive community, and I do challenges every month, and my June challenge was you are enough.

And she gives away prizes if you win.

It's the theme of the month. It's the theme of June, Seth.

You are enough.

How are you balancing fatherhood and working multiple businesses? How are you doing it?

I think balance is the wrong word. Balance implies like it's even and it's not. It's totally lopsided. So I don't think I'm balancing it. I think I've got great— I think I have fuzzy boundaries. I think that you just got to make the time, right? I have to say, okay, I've got to come straight home from work and pull in the driveway, and Max has to come jump in the car, and I got to get him to soccer. So, or I gotta skip something in the morning to get him to wherever he's going, or take off of work to get him to wherever he's— wherever they're going. So I think it's just priorities, right? You make time, and I happen to be fortunate enough to have started several successful companies. So I create the schedule so I can make it work around what I need to. However, that also means those lines are blurry. I'm the one who answers the emails and the phone when it rings at 8 o'clock or 9 o'clock at night. So there's a price to be paid with that, with that freedom. But it also benefits me as a dad because I can most of the time— I mean, I do meetings in the parking lot outside of soccer. I will take my laptop and my router and work. So you just make it work.

I was just going to say that, that you get to be present at soccer and watch his practice or, you know, watch whatever's going on, but you can still take a work call or you could still be on your laptop. So you've really made it work. And I like that you changed it. I need to change the word. It's not balance, it's boundaries and priorities.

Right. I literally read that. I was listening to a book in audiobook in the car on the way to the soccer game yesterday. And Bijouros Koulian, the book Man Up, literally said there is no balance because balance, if you literally look at the dictionary, it's even. And none of our lives as parents are even at all. So I would never take a work call or work on my laptop during a game, but during practice I'm okay with that.

Yes, yes. I interviewed a mother who said she pictured Balance is a tightrope. And, and I loved when she was talking because she was like, family, work, right?

Takes turns.

I'm like surfing. You can't see me if you're listening, but I'm surfing.

She's pretending to surf.

I'm pretending to be on a hula girl motions with her arms. Okay, let's look ahead. What do you hope to see for all 3 of your children in the future?

Ah, that they're strong, they're successful, they're confident, they're self-reliant, and they have someone wonderful to share that with.

And how do you think you're accomplishing all of that? What are you doing?

Okay, so strong, successful, confident— I think I'm doing a better job with 2 out of 3. I, I think 2 have most of that already. I think they will both be wonderful spouses someday to whomever that is. I had this conversation with Max last night. I came down, you were upstairs, you had gone upstairs to put Lily to bed, or you were in bed. You were in bed and I came back downstairs to Max because he had said something to you. And I said, you are very smart. I said, you have learned by watching me and watching what I have screwed up. And you've learned not to make that mistake. And I'm really proud of you. And I'm really impressed. And he laughed at me and smiled at me and knew exactly what I was talking about.

Are you gonna share with me?

I don't, um, anyway, so you're not gonna share it? I did. So I need to work on that more with Lily. Um, she's got the strong part down. She's got very— she is very, very—

in quotes—

yes, yes, in quotes— she is not shy about asserting what she wants.

With us.

With us. True. I can't speak to anybody else. So I've got some more, we've got some more work to do in that department, but I think we're making good progress. It's a little early to tell, but I think we're making good progress.

Well, and you're modeling a lot of it for them, which I think is most important. I think that I see parents who say, do this, like I laugh when I yell, Stop yelling at me!

Yes.

Like, hello, like, if you don't want your kids to yell, don't yell. If you don't want your kids to swear, don't swear. If you want your kids to be successful, show them how to be successful. You know, I have very hardworking parents, so they showed me to be hardworking. And I think that you're modeling all of it for them. And, um, I just You know, I knew when I met you, you know, when I fell in love with you, I fell in love with you for me, okay? But part of wanting to marry you is that I knew there was no doubt in my heart that you were going to be a fantastic father, and I didn't have any clue how fantastic. So, um, I, I chose such a good husband and such a good father. And I think that what we can teach our children is that who you marry is the most important decision of your life. Second, other than your career.

No, Tony would tell you he has changed it. He used to say the most important decision was who you married. He's since changed it in the last year or two to be— it's the most important factor is the emotional state you live in the majority of the time Ah, he said marriage is now number 2 in his book.

Okay, so we're deciding our state every day.

That's all day, all day, every day.

And I even thought about that today, Seth, because I was in such a bad mood.

Yes.

Like, and I got in the car and I was like, change your state. I was like, you have fantastic things going on today. You might be overwhelmed, but it's all fantastic stuff and you will get through it. And Seth will help you through it, and it's all gonna be okay.

Yes, and I would like to change your word choice. Stop using the word overwhelmed. Yeah, you're not overwhelmed. You get it all done every single time. You are physically capable. You say it's too much, it's not too much, or it wouldn't get done, and you got it done. We never end the day going, oh crap, we forgot to take Ella to theater, we didn't get it done. Like, it all gets done. So you're no longer allowed to say that you're overwhelmed, and then magically you can't feel overwhelmed.

You're such a smart man. Okay, so we'll take balance and overwhelmed out of my—

out of the vocabulary. They're gone.

This is supposed to be about you today. How did this become about me?

You asked a question.

Um, well, I think that you are a fantastic father, and I think that what is most important to me is how you make time for them and make them feel important. And even though you have So much going on at work. Um, you definitely show me that your family is number one and you spend quality time with all three of them, which I think is so important. And if I say that I need quality time, you jump through hoops to make that happen for me.

I would rather you be first, but you gotta let me make quality time for you. The only reason there's not more quality time for you is because you won't take it.

I know. Okay, we'll work on that, right?

That's on you.

It's on me. I know.

I would take you on a date every day if you wanted.

Oh, well, I so appreciate you doing this Father's Day special with me. I hope that someone took something away from this. And, um, if you are listening, you are someone who I'm sure puts a lot of effort into your life, and I'm sure that you are doing a fantastic job. So please listen to us and know that you really truly are enough. And, um, I'm trying to think of information that I want to give them. I told them about the Whiny Palooza Mom Group.

What about the vlog and blog?

I'm gonna do all of that. I'm gonna tell you quickly about the Whiny Palooza schedule while I have you all here. Uh, Family Friday podcast releases every Friday morning at 9 AM. On Wednesday, um, we release a Winey Palooza blog with a topic every week, so please feel free to make any sort of topic requests or podcast requests for me. I'm happy to have you on, and I'm happy to have on guests that you recommend for me. I've gotten so many recommendations, and I really truly appreciate it. Wednesday night at 9 o'clock PM We go live for my vlog on Facebook and YouTube to talk about the blog. And if you don't like watching a vlog every Wednesday, the podcast is released the following week. Nope, the vlog is released every Wednesday as a podcast because some of you would rather just listen to a podcast like I do while I'm walking my dog, folding the laundry, doing the dishes. So I understand your life. And thank you everyone for listening. Thank you, Seth, for being here.

Thank you for having me on as a repeat guest.

I'm going to have you on many more times, honey. This is Rebecca Green reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, Please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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